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You are here: Home / Open Threads / How Did We Miss This?

How Did We Miss This?

by | 82 Comments

This post is in: 

Via Sullivan, apparently Slate held a write like Sarah Palin contest, and we missed it. Some of the entries are truly excellent:

“The campaign path once led me into the homey kitchen of June Asbel, where the aroma of toasted almonds and nutmeg mixed with a sense of American perseverance and optimism.”

I am sure you all can do better. I’m going to think about my entry for a while, but you all can start in the comments.

Reader Interactions

82Comments

  2. 2.

    inkadu

    Replace “toasted almond and nutmeg” with “Cain’s mayonnaise and Kraft American Cheese.”

    Psuedo Sarah Palin writes a lot like Garrison Keilor.

  4. 4.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Wow, it is like the Bulwer-Lytton contest for political types.

    “Commonsense conservatives know that if government just gets out of the way and lets honest-to-God Americans have their freedom without the interference of people who don’t understand our ways like the people in New York and Washington don’t, we can get this country on the right path back to real freedom where honest hard-working Americans aren’t taxed to death so that some bureaucrat can decide if your grandma gets a hip replacement.”

  5. 5.

    ThatLeftTurnInABQ

    OT, but I just loved this droll little anti-birther dig from James Fallows:

    ..Tai Shan, the much-beloved young panda at Washington’s National Zoo, will soon be heading back to the birthplace of his parents. Tai Shan, having been born on American soil at the Zoo, is eligible to become president.

  6. 6.

    inkadu

    More on nutmeg:
    —

    In low doses, nutmeg produces no noticeable physiological or neurological response.
    —
    Nutmeg contains myristicin, a weak monoamine oxidase inhibitor. Myristicin poisoning can induce convulsions, palpitations, nausea, eventual dehydration, and generalized body pain[4]. It is also reputed to be a strong deliriant.[5]
    —
    Fatal myristicin poisonings in humans are very rare, but two have been reported, in an 8-year-old child[6] and a 55-year-old adult[7].
    —
    Myristicin poisoning is also potentially deadly to pets and livestock even in culinary quantities. For this reason, for example, it is recommended not to feed eggnog to dogs[8].

    —
    More Absinthe with extra nutmeg, bartender! And just a beer for my dog.

  7. 7.

    debit

    Amusing, but judging by the excerpts I’ve seen, her ghost writer never truly captured Palin’s breathless, breakneck flibbertigibbet speaking voice. Also, too.

  10. 10.

    machine

    “As I watched the little fella below through the scope it occurred to me that this helicopter was much like the gotcha media, it might throw off your aim at times but was still useful and keeping American jobs here in the states and encouraging small business growth also, too. The trigger broke cleanly, sending the majestic creature to the tundra and then it hit me like God had touched me with a truth wand: the pilot and me had become a death panel”

  11. 11.

    Hugh

    On this rainy day when the sun still shines so beautifully across America I have been tracking the molecules of discontent from either coast to here, the center of America where real Americans stand for all that is good and for sure not blaming Amercia as many unfortunately do.

  12. 12.

    JenJen

    This is a message from the Emergency Football Broadcasting System.

    If you are not watching the UC-Pitt game on ABC, you are missing one of the greatest college games, like, evuh. Please tune your televisions to the appropriate channel and await further instructions.

    Thank you. This has been a message from the Emergency Football Broadcasting System.

  14. 14.

    Seanly

    “One evening when Todd was up north, I was home alone. Then the doorbell rang. Geewillikers, who could that be I wondered also.

    “Well who should it be at the door, but Levi, Bristol’s beau. My robe fell open too.”

    Oops, I’m sorry – I thought you said Penthouse, not Slate.

  15. 15.

    licensed to kill time

    “Up there in Alaska as we all have those values that Americans hold so dear and respect, also, we have appreciation for the true spirit of reform and getting back to that original intent there of the Founding Fathers that wrote all those values back in the days of the Founding times. It is very dangerous to those values to have death panels as proposed by that President who we all should be fearful of in these times of great fear and such.

    In Alaska where the snow is white and pure and gives off the smell of goodness and True America with red, white and blue tones in there, we want to drill for our precious resources so as to have self-reliance like everyone should. I am calling for a resurgence back to those times of pioneer can-do optimism and not the scary government takeover times which are so bad for us in America these days, also.

    As such I will be quitting my job as Governor to better serve the Real Spirit of America and and go on the road to smell the green green rectangles of American optimism that will flow into the pockets of my kickass fishing overalls of pioneer women everywhere that I wear also, riding on that Bus of Freedom if the cameras are looking, which is a total invasion of me and Trig’s privacy on the part of those gotcha journalists who I am so not going to talk to anymore.”

  17. 17.

    Michael D.

    “As I think of America, while standing on my front porch with my retarded baby looking for Putin, I am reminded, of the Iraqis, who, like, don’t have maps. Also, South Africa.”

  21. 21.

    Bort

    I think she has a way of capturing that freedom loving spirit what with the way that she’s always taking on the special interests and how she hopes that America will preserve the values that we all cherish like the capitalist system and the way that the entrepreneurial spirit just really helps our God given freedoms except she thinks we need to really think about how our taxes are really placing a burden on the system that our troops are fighting the terrorists to keep safe because she’s had that experience of taking on the oil companies in Alaska and really showed that can-do spirit as a mom and as a governor who’s had to balance a budget and negotiate with the Russians while taking care of her Downs Syndrome baby that she could have aborted had she wanted to except for the fact that it makes a darn good book tour prop! You betcha!

  22. 22.

    licensed to kill time

    @JenJen: @Michael D.:

    I so wish that I had known about that contest because I would have given my Real American Best Shot at winning such a prusti….pressty…prestigusssssss…oh, hell! such a You’re Number One! contest as that would make me as happy as a dead fish floating with that current there, instead of swimming upstream like in Alaska, which is too hard.

  23. 23.

    Sly

    @Punchy

    Gads, that’s pretty horrendous.

    My sympathies to Prof. Barr, as I tend to undergo feelings of seething rage every time a leftist of the clueless variety goes on and on about health-related quackery like homeopathy, or the New Agers post about how theoretical physics proves psychic phenomena because Deepak Chopra says it does and he uses the word “quantum” a lot.

  24. 24.

    JenJen

    Once while Todd and I were walkin’ in the beautiful Mirror Lake portion of the great state of Alaska which is like none other in this country of ours, we heard these things which I can only describe as whimpering-like puppy sounds. At first I was afraid but then I remembered that the red blood of Alaskans was spilled upon this land here, for freedom, and I held onto Todd until he figured it out and all.

    Well wouldn’t you know it, we had found ourselves a grey wolf den, and from as far as we could tell, the momma wolf had left her cubs to go out and get them some food and such. I have to tell ya, it was magical, the wilderness and the wolf cubs and Todd’s strong arms around me, and liberty. And when Todd lit the dynamite sticks he’d brought and threw them down there into that den that the wolves had built, well, for a minute I felt bad for that momma wolf because she was gonna have one heckuva surprise when she came back. So I thought about tourism, and the moose and caribou which populate Alaska and which the mainlanders fly here to shoot, and I understood. Courage.

  28. 28.

    Boots Day

    “I thought Katie, as a working mom, would understand me and be my friend, but then she asked what newspapers I read, and I thought: MSM. New York City. Elite. She’s going in for the kill. Who could possibly answer such a gotcha question with any sort of reasonableness and common sense that would calm down the blood-seeking liberals in the media? My first thought was of Todd’s ‘Secessionist Times,’ which was the last newspaper I had seen lying around the living room of our modest lakeside mansion, but I knew the bloggers would have a field day with that one, not understanding how truly patriotic it is to want to irrevocably leave the United States, especially for such a beautiful, God-blessed region such as my own Alaska, with its endless blue skies and the deafening roar of snowmobiles in the air.

    “So I froze. The real Americans will understand why, but the Ivy Leaguers in the media could never forgive me for not having a ready answer to such an impossible question, and that is what cost me the election, as well as for my running mate Seantor John McCain, known as the Maverick. Katie, I won’t forget this.”

  29. 29.

    West of the Cascades

    @JenJen: Thank you EFBC, thank you, thank you — after the Civil War on Thursday I’d forgotten that there was more football before the bowl season. What I managed to catch of UC-Pitt was great.

  30. 30.

    West of the Cascades

    @JenJen: Thank you EFBS, thank you, thank you — after the Civil War on Thursday I’d forgotten that there was more football before the bowl season. What I managed to catch of UC-Pitt was great.

  32. 32.

    asiangrrlMN

    @JenJen: Yes. It was amazing.

    @Sly: Gee, you know, alternative medicine has been around for a hell of a lot longer than Western medicine, so try to not paint with such a broad brush, all righty then?

    As for Palin, give me a minute to channel my inner batshitcraziness.

    P.S. And, I still haz edit. Google Chrome.

  33. 33.

    JenJen

    It’s already clear that this will be one of the funniest threads in Balloon Juice history. You guys are incredible!! LMAO!

    @Napoleon: @West of the Cascades: UC has a real chance at playing in the National Championship now. Holy shit, I can’t believe it! I’m rooting for the Nebraska tonight!!

  36. 36.

    You Don't Say

    @JenJen: I was rooting for Pittsburgh, but still an incredible game.

    Turned to CBS in time to hear the commentators proclaim Tebow the greatest football player ever! Pfffffffft.

    Go Alabama!

  37. 37.

    JenJen

    @You Don’t Say: Cincinnati sure has been sticking it to Pittsburgh all football season, in oh so many ways (ducks to miss flying object thrown by Cole, et al).

    Oh, and, re: Tebow-lurve, there was actually a pretty funny segment on Morning Joe the other day, making fun of the Tebow-bromance football commentators have exhibited this season. I hate to recommend anything about that shitty show, but I did have a chuckle.

  39. 39.

    smiley

    OT but this is funny. From kos’ hate mail-apalooza:

    Do you believe in the first amendment or you just keep messages that you agree with. I am going to get your facist site shut down.

    And who is so stupid to do this so openly? Never mind. Tedd Petruna is.

  40. 40.

    JK

    @asiangrrlMN:

    You know, alternative medicine has been around for a hell of a lot longer than Western medicine, so try to not paint with such a broad brush, all righty then?

    Second that emotion

  42. 42.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    Seanly has already won the contest, the Internets and $50,000 (Soros) but what the hell:

    As I listened to the lapping of the lake, the sound of the loons summoning their mates to their nests and the blue of the Alaskan state flower the forget-me-not, I was reminded that only a country truly blessed by God could boast of such beautiful vistas, also. I thought, surely He wants more from me, more than just commitment to my family, more than tireless service to the proud descendants of the valiant pioneers who first journeyed so far north to make a future for their families with little more than a determination to make their mark on this the last great free land in this the great land of the free.

  43. 43.

    Mark S.

    @Punchy:

    Is this Bethell character just some crank, or is this the new conservative meme? Whatever he is, Mr. Bethell is a first rate troll, and I think it’s safe to say that the muons are not laughing.

  44. 44.

    asiangrrlMN

    My fellow Americans, as we near the sacred holiday of Jesus’s birth, which we all hold dear to our hearts as the very foundation of our wonderful country, also, except for the president who is Muslim and refuses to provide his birth certificate even though it’s a valid question as I should know because the crazy conspiracists repeatedly asked me for Trig’s birth certificate, and I did not provide it, so the president should be asked as well. Also.

    Let us give thanks for the wolf which was shot from a helicopter and then someone skinned but not me because I was wearing a Versace dress that couldn’t be bloodied so maybe it was Willow or Piper or Bristol or whatever, but it was a family member as I am a devout believer in family values which can be celebrated by buying my book, Going Rogue, for all your beloved family members as a way to fight the sockulist agenda of the president and his known associate, Bill Ayers, whom we, on the Palin/McCain ticket, did not mention enough during the campaign season so if I were to run, also, for president I would make sure that my platform shoes would include healthcare without death panels because who wants to kill their grandmothers? Also.

    I would spread freedom and democracy to all the other countries like Africa and all the ‘ghans because they are freedom-loving Christians, also, and I would look the Iranian president right in the eye and say, “Golly, Mr. Achmed, you know, we Americans, we have grit and gumption, and we’re going to get ‘er done.” Then, I would look Putin in the eye and say, “Hey, there. We got our eye on you in Alaska, so don’t be thinking that you can, you know, rear your ugly head over America without us seeing ya. And, our troops, too. Also. Fighting for freedom-lovin’, Christian people everywhere around the world, and why does the president hate our troops? Also.

    I am so blessed to be an American with the American opportunity to lead this great country of ours in times of trouble by freezing taxes and drill, baby, drill. God bless us all and our troops and my family and traditional values. Also.

  45. 45.

    freelancer (itouch)

    @JenJen:

    One of the things I will miss about the BCS is the way it gets everyone to cheer for Nebraska every few years because the Huskers end up in a unique position to completely fuck up the BCS.

    Good times.

  46. 46.

    cleek

    “To serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America’s security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional ‘politics as usual’.”

    actually, that’s a real quote.

  50. 50.

    j

    I think this was the best from the Slate entries (and it won 1st place):

    First place: “One night after a long day of campaigning, when the haters had made my spirits reach a nadir, I looked into Todd’s eyes, which were as blue as the stripes on Old Glory, and too representing truth and loyalty, and he looked back at me with a twinkle of determination which I hadn’t seen since I told him my goal of having another baby in my fifties and naming it Tron, then did I know for sure that I could carry on, like he, and we, have done together all of these years on this long, Iron Dog race of a marriage that is at once grueling and celestial, onerous and majestic.”

    —Ann Sensenbrenner

  51. 51.

    freelancer

    @j:

    I told him my goal of having another baby in my fifties and naming it Tron, then did I know for sure that I could carry on

    This is why she wins. Oh man that made me cry.

  52. 52.

    Elizabelle

    Love the theme of this thread, and already there are some “cannot overcome these” efforts by other aspiring parodists.

    The top Slate entries were excellent. Baby Tron from the win and whatever was in the 2nd entry had me laughing out loud.

  54. 54.

    licensed to kill time

    @cleek:

    She’s a tough act to follow. Hard to outPalin the Original WordSalad Generator(R), now with extra attachments and yours for only 6 easy monthly payments of $29.99 plus S&H. (Not available in all markets, special discount for Alaskans and teabaggers – no sales Tax!)

  55. 55.

    Sly

    @asiangrrlMN

    Not sure what you mean by “alternative medicine” since, in my experience, that can be a pretty loaded phrase. You can fit a lot under that tent, from vitamin supplements to “biofield” nonsense that involves magnets and crystals, and the nonsense factor involved ranges from “potentially helpful if used in concert with the advice of a doctor” to “flagrant bullshit”.

    For the record, I specifically referenced homeopathy, which is fully in the latter category. So I’m not sure why you think I’m painting anything with a broad brush.

    And longevity isn’t necessarily an indicator of efficacy. If it was, medicine would still be based upon the precepts of humorism.

  56. 56.

    Elizabelle

    I think Asian grrrl has taken the early lead, but strong competition from Boots Day with the Secessionist Times and MichaelD (maybe it gets the “pithy Palin” award?, extra points for the mind meld with Miss South Carolina), and machine at 10.

    They’re ALL good. Get ’em done!

    (PS: Liked JenJen’s too but squeamish about the wolf pups.)

  57. 57.

    JenJen

    @smiley: The comprehensive debunking put out by the airline was the funniest part of the entire story. You could almost read the snark in between the lines.

    Wingnuts are weird. Debbie Schlussel’s comment section is hysterical; I love the dude who says that anybody who doesn’t believe this story is a COMMIE and that is FINAL!

  59. 59.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Sly: Just because you state something is nonsense such as homeopathy, it doesn’t make it so, either. I would say much of any medicine is best guess and constant reevaluation, including Western medicine. I don’t have the blind faith in science that many people have, and I have tried homeopathic remedies with varying success. Just as I have taken Western medication with varying success.

  60. 60.

    freelancer

    @JenJen:

    I was going to ask for links but I found them, this comment and the pure meta of its context just killed me:

    yes, troll seek out true stories because they are so difficult and challenging to mock.
    …
    -Bongo the dancing elephant on December 5, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Now there are some absurd handles here, but concern troll gets seven layers of butthurt about serious things being mocked, then signs out as “Bongo, the dancing elephant“.

    No words.

  61. 61.

    Comrade Darkness

    I am sadly disappointed to have missed this. Can we have our own contest?

    I think Buckland had the best entry over there. Scatter-brained in a properly earnest fashion. The others are random in a calculated manner.

  64. 64.

    Sly

    @asiangrrlMN

    I think any treatment that is based upon theories of chemistry and physics that run completely opposite of basic principles of science is, by nature, nonsensical. That it consistently fails double-blind studies is really just icing on the cake.

    It’s no more a question of “faith” or “belief” than the irrefutable fact that the human species shares a common ancestor with other modern simians is a question of “faith” or belief”. If homeopathy works, the entire body of modern chemistry doesn’t make sense. Showing a solution of water that “remembers” its contents would be like finding a copper arrowhead lodged inside the fossilized skull of a velociraptor.

    So no, this isn’t blind faith in science. At least not on my end. It’s calculating the odds that everything we’ve learned in the past few centuries, based on empirical research, is absolutely wrong because of anecdotes. Especially when those anecdotes can be explained by a proven, if as yet unexplained, phenomenon.

  65. 65.

    freelancer

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Just because you state something is nonsense such as homeopathy, it doesn’t make it so, either.

    I don’t think sly’s trolling here, as I, too, feel very strongly on the subject. He’s not just a priori stating homeopathy is a bunk modality, he’s secure in his position because that’s what the science tells us. There are many parts of Alternative Medicine through out history that have eventually become recognized as valid and incorporated into Western Medicine. This is because of an underlying efficacy inherent in the treatment or substance that has shown to have a beneficial effect outside the bounds of the placebo effect.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSKxz1BNU6s

    Alternative Medicine that works is called Medicine. The rest is perpetually outside the bounds of empirical science. You may ask, What’s the harm? This is the treatment that I’m looking into, and it’s not inherently dangerous, and I’m just doing what I feel is best for my health. All of those things might be true, but there have been billions of dollars spent, and many lives adversely effected due to people seeking out alternative treatment in place of evidence-based medicine.

    http://whatstheharm.net/homeopathy.html

    Again, I’m not trolling, and I don’t want to spike some thread and veer it into the ditch by way of true believer vs. skeptic flame war. I value your presence here, and you always have a way of cracking me up. If we differ on this, that’s fine, but I just wanted to give you a different perspective from someone who you know isn’t likely to be speaking from a place of irrationality, or can be accused of being in the pocket of “Big Pharma” or “Big Hospital”, as many proponents of alternative medicine suspect vocal skeptics of being. That said, hope your weekend’s going well, and

    Go Big RED!

  67. 67.

    Comrade Darkness

    Here goes: (deep breath, someone pull me up for air if I don’t re-emerge from this in 10 minutes, please)…

    Years before I entered into politics, once at the State Fair, I was digging into a baby moose burger, and thinking how it’s so great in America with our Trans-Alaska Pipeline that we can enjoy these fruits of our labors like this. Meanwhile, I had been thinking to myself that I should not be thinking about these infernal political machines, as I had been doing since I was a babe in arms and had an interest, and instead should be enjoying the rare golden rays of sunshine which was spreading like fireweed on a fine Alaska morning.

  70. 70.

    Carwin

    “What would this nation be without this great land of ours!”

    Whoops! Ronald Reagan already said this . . . .

  71. 71.

    YellowJournalism

    “As our plane flew over the mountains of Purple Majesty, I thought back on the go-to spirit of the day that gave us members of the electorate, pursuing justice in the face of dark times ahead for the people of the voting public. Their voices raised high above in praise of values, morality, and goodness against badness, God smiled down and gave us a clear path toward victory. Also a memorable picture of warmth and family values with flags held high.”

    Edited to add: If someone had told me that licensed to kill’s entry was actually a chunk from Palin’s book, I would not have doubted it. Kudos to you.

  72. 72.

    JenJen

    I just had a hallucination that the Edit Function in this here freedom-lovin’ website was producing an unexpected pop-up window.

    ETA: Well, hang fire! It wasn’t a dream!

  74. 74.

    Sly

    @freelancer

    ll of those things might be true, but there have been billions of dollars spent, and many lives adversely effected due to people seeking out alternative treatment in place of evidence-based medicine.

    While that does happen, and it is unfortunate, I find solace in the fact that a majority of people who pursue untested claims do so in conjunction with those that are tested. You’re less likely to find a person who goes through an unproven treatment and doesn’t engage in anything thats proven effective than a person who utilizes both. The facts surrounding stories like this are, thankfully, rarer than most believe.

    My fundamental problem with all of it is that it tends to prop up hucksterism, which I detest on principle no matter what political ideology it claims to support. That, and it distracts people from the genuine problems with modern medicine, which are almost always problems of ethics and not of science.

    But, as for the topic, this is my favorite of the finalists merely because I could have sworn I saw her actually say something like this:

    “Nothing inspired me more on the campaign trail than the metaphoric people who tended it—the mighty logger who cleared the brush, the farmer who planted rows of golden corn alongside it, the hunters in the misty distance who kept the wildlife at bay—all hardworking, loyal Americans who, woven together like the fabric of our flag, shone a light that illuminated the darkest shadows on that harrowing trail.”

    Playing into Rural Americana tropes. Strained metaphors. Misuse of words with more than four syllables.

    It’s like Governor Ritchie and Bob Roberts had a baby. And named it Tron.

  76. 76.

    Free At Last

    I have never been one not to deny that there is a scintilla of evidence that not all of the warming of our planet is due to America’s energy and industrial practices, but to solve these problems also requires a leader like me who is not without a lack of talent.

  78. 78.

    birthmarker

    To me, while reading that section of the bill, it became so evident that there would be a panel of bureaucrats who would decide on levels of health care, decide on those who are worthy or not worthy of receiving some government-controlled coverage…Since health care would have to be rationed if it were promised to everyone, it would therefore lead to harm for many individuals not able to receive the government care. That leads, of course, to death.

    The term I used to describe the panel making these decisions should not be taken literally. (The phrase is) a lot like when President Reagan used to refer to the Soviet Union as the ‘evil empire.’ He got his point across. He got people thinking and researching what he was talking about. It was quite effective. Same thing with the ‘death panels.’ I would characterize them like that again, in a heartbeat.

    Actual Palin quote from Barbara Walters interview. (Bold face mine)

    Someone please explain to me how rationing health care if we PROMISE it to everyone is any different than what we are doing now by DENYING it to some. Aren’t those who don’t have it now actually being rationed?

    Also, if it is promised to all, how can there be many who are not able to receive it?

    Trying to parse her words gives me a headache…

  79. 79.

    gil mann

    I don’t have the blind faith in science that many people have

    Are we talking about the fruits of science or the methodology? Because I’d argue that it’s okay to be a knee-jerk supporter of testing hypotheses with data and observation.

    Maybe I’m just bitter because that crystal pendant I bought hasn’t done shit for my jerky knee.

  80. 80.

    SFAW

    “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain snow fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London Wasilla that our scene lies), rattling along the igloo housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. Also”

  81. 81.

    Wile E. Quixote

    @asiangrrlMN

    Gee, you know, alternative medicine has been around for a hell of a lot longer than Western medicine, so try to not paint with such a broad brush, all righty then?

    And everyone’s favorite Irish comedian has an answer to that sort of nonsensical argument from authority.

    Some money quotes:

    “Just because science doesn’t know everything doesn’t mean you can fill in the gaps with whatever fairy tale bullshit that appeals to you.”

    “Herbal medicine has been around for thousands of years. Indeed it has, and we tested it all and the stuff that worked became medicine, and the rest of it is a nice bowl of soup and some potpourri”

  82. 82.

    Paul L.

    How about this entry.

    “The apartment was small, with slanting floors and irregular heat and a buzzer downstairs that didn’t work, so that visitors had to call ahead from a pay phone at the corner gas station, where a black Doberman the size of a wolf paced through the night in vigilant patrol, its jaws clamped around an empty beer bottle.”

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