Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Baby steps, because the Republican Party is full of angry babies.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

Russian mouthpiece, go fuck yourself.

Fani Willis claps back at Trump chihuahua, Jim Jordan.

“In the future, this lab will be a museum. don’t touch it.”

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

No Justins, No Peace

You are so fucked. Still, I wish you the best of luck.

Stamping your little feets and demanding that they see how important you are? Not working anymore.

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

No one could have predicted…

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Yeah, with this crowd one never knows.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

I know this must be bad for Joe Biden, I just don’t know how.

New McCarthy, same old McCarthyism.

We’ll be taking my thoughts and prayers to the ballot box.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

The republican caucus is already covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

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Folks like us

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Do we really live in a world where bloggers can allege having had affairs with politicians and suddenly become national celebrities? Is this something we at Balloon-Juice should consider as a traffic maximization strategy? And who would be a good politician to claim I’ve had an affair with?

Reader Interactions

194Comments

  2. 2.

    Scuffletuffle

    I’m not averse to affairs personally, but I’m unable to think of a single elected official who I would be willing to admit to an affair with. My standards are low, certainly, but not that low.

    Dammit, wanted to be first…

    Dammit…whom…dammit

  8. 8.

    Tonybrown74

    Yeah … that story has been bothering me. Not that I want to come to the defense of Family Values hypocrite, but o far, I really haven’t seen any real evidence of an affair.

    Hours of phone calls and texts sound salacious until you find out that the blogger worked for Hailey during that time (so you would expect significant contact. Now you are hearing that there are photos to follow. I almost don’t believe it.

  11. 11.

    licensed to kill time

    DougJ and Scott ‘Cosmo’ Brown. Guaranteed headlines, traffic stampede like a rabid elephant.

  15. 15.

    fourlegsgood

    Sarah Palin, obviously!!

    Or how about Sue Lowden? you can spin tales about how she loved for you to wear a plushy chicken suit in the boudoir. Your clucking drove her to ecstasy!!!

    Clearly this would be traffic gold. The underpants gnomes would gnash their teefies in rage and envy.

  17. 17.

    fourlegsgood

    Feh. Alex beat me to it. But he didn’t give the salacious details, so I should get points for that.

  20. 20.

    Bruce (formerly Steve S.)

    Palin, of course. To give your story cred you might want to mention the Alaska-shaped mole on her left buttock.

  27. 27.

    Xenos

    @Bruce (formerly Steve S.):

    Palin, of course. To give your story cred you might want to mention the Alaska-shaped mole on her left buttock

    Or you could declare that you know her ‘distinguishing characteristic’, such as the fact the she is, you know, female.

  28. 28.

    Belafon (formerly anonevent)

    Elana Kagen. It would probably help her with some of the media types.

  34. 34.

    fucen tarmal

    sarah palin’s husband would be better.

    or john boehner, you just have to bath in a hot tub full of cheetoes before your tearful presser. that sort of visual makes things credible.

    michelle bachmann would be a fun choice, you can make up any kind of kinky sex stuff and it would be believable, the only thing that wouldn’t is that she likes it anvil-missionary.

  35. 35.

    frankdawg

    How about a manage-o-3 with the Maine team, Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins?

  45. 45.

    Steve

    I had what I thought was a good suggestion, but Larry Sinclair got there first.

  47. 47.

    Joseph Nobles

    It can’t be too big a name, because people will think it’s too good to be true. But it has to be plausible.

    So my vote is Patrick McHenry from North Carolina’s 10th District. He just screams “What happens at Webelos camp stays at Webelos camp” to me.

  49. 49.

    fucen tarmal

    scott brown’s wife with the curious hand, or mrs. brown’s lovely daughters, to put a musical twist on things.

  51. 51.

    Morzer

    Lindsay Graham. Claim you and Charlie Crist had a threesome and the teabaggers will explode in an orgy of gratified suspicion.

  52. 52.

    Michael

    @Kennedy:

    Michelle Bachmann

    Yup. Everybody knows that sex with crazy women is teh awesome. Its just the aftereffects and stalking afterward that sucks. You’d generate some degree of envy for the maximization of getting the freak on, with the pity that comes from the knowledge that you can never have a beloved pet live with you, ever.

  54. 54.

    zmulls

    Joe Sestak. Obviously. That will create an irresistable Mobius strip of a story.

  55. 55.

    Michael D.

    I would like to see DougJ do the nasty with Kay Bailey Hutchison.

    No. Wait. I would like to select Kay Bailey Hutchison as Doug’s “affair” but I would NEVER want to hear or see anything about it.

  61. 61.

    Corner Stone

    @zmulls:

    Joe Sestak. Obviously. That will create an irresistable Mobius strip of a story.

    Quick! Have a reporter ask Sestak if he was offered sex with DougJ in return for him not snuff filming him and Specter.

  62. 62.

    fucen tarmal

    you could also flatter boehner by saying it was exactly like jerking off a can of beefaroni.

  63. 63.

    Mike Kay

    Liz cheney begged me to tie her up and to “waterboard” her (wink, wink).

  68. 68.

    liberty60

    Wait, I change my vote to Rep. Virginia Foxx…produce a string of emails in which you refer to her as “Representative Foxxxy”, or how she was a Foxx in the Rooster house” or something.

    Ok, now I need a shower.

  69. 69.

    Leonard Stiltskin

    @Tonybrown74:

    Folks was a consultant to Haley for two years and was paid less than $5000, yet phone records show 34 hours of phone calls, many of them after midnight, including one for hours until 5 am.

    Several witnesses are on record as seeing Haley’s Cadillac parked for months at Folks’ townhouse during the time in question.

    What exactly are you bothered by? The stupidity of thinking that Haley paid $5000 for 100s of hours of “political consulting”?

  71. 71.

    fucen tarmal

    in order to make real money, you have to film the exploits, and in today’s porn market, title is everything….

    colon pow! with colin powell! or how i learned to stop worrying and retired the general.

  75. 75.

    frankdawg

    @fucen tarmal:

    in order to make real money, you have to film the exploits, and in today’s porn market, title is everything….

    colon pow! with colin powell! or how i learned to stop worrying and retired the general.

    We have a new leader there!
    On the other hand, that title makes it sound like you have spent waaaaaayyy too much time thinking about it!

  77. 77.

    Comrade Dread

    Liz Cheney, but I’m not sure people would believe you since it’s well known that the Cheneys eat their mates after the act is completed.

  78. 78.

    Steve

    @Leonard Stiltskin:

    Several witnesses are on record as seeing Haley’s Cadillac parked for months at Folks’ townhouse during the time in question.

    I think “on record” means something different to me than it does to you.

  79. 79.

    Urza

    I’m late to the thread, but I vote you say you had an orgy with Obama. Anything to get this stupid Sestak stuff off the air. How many millions could they waste on that investigation when its standard business in Washington.

  81. 81.

    Mako

    Threesome back in the day. Me, Henry Kissinger and a quaalude-rattled barely-legal Tricia Nixon.

  83. 83.

    Trinity

    This thread is so full of win. You Juicers have made my boring afternoon teh lulz!

  84. 84.

    Zifnab

    @Mako: Tricia was pretty hot in her day. I’d do her.

    But I was thinking something more along the line of a C-Street Orgy with David Vitter as power bottom.

  86. 86.

    Morzer

    @Todd: @Todd:

    Only if you make clear that Grover Norquist supplied the crack and participated in a five day binge of drug-fuelled heathen perversity in a king-size bathtub filled with champagne and the corpse of the Bush administration.

  87. 87.

    PeakVT

    And who would be a good politician to claim I’ve had an affair with?

    Good for what: the country, or you? For the former, I’d say Inhofe.

  89. 89.

    Emma

    Y’all want to make me lose my delicious cream of broccoli soup, right? Straight into the monitor, right?

    Ick, Ick, Ick.

  90. 90.

    licensed to kill time

    Has anybody mentioned DougJ and Hillary? In the Oval Office if possible, and if Doug could wear a blue dress it would be teh awesome. Leave the cigar, take the dress.

  92. 92.

    slag

    Being a liberal, I don’t really care who you sleep with. Just please be sure to use protection. We don’t need any more accidents.

  94. 94.

    Morzer

    @Emma:

    Please. I don’t mind discussing Grover Norquist, DougJ, Jane Hamsher and Andrew Sullivan’s beagles locked in erotic congress, but there must be some limits.

  96. 96.

    Bill Murray

    Ilona Staller — that is a capital eye followed by an “el”.

    “In 1991, Staller was among the founders of the political movement Partito dell’Amore (Love Party), spearheaded by her friend and fellow porn star Moana Pozzi. She has advocated absolute sexual freedom – “Love for All!”

    She renewed her offer to have sex with Saddam Hussein in October 2002, when Iraq was resisting international pressure to allow inspections for weapons of mass destruction, and in April 2006 made the same offer to Osama bin Laden. To this day, none of the above have accepted her offer.”

  97. 97.

    ruemara

    @Bill Murray:

    She renewed her offer to have sex with Saddam Hussein in October 2002, when Iraq was resisting international pressure to allow inspections for weapons of mass destruction, and in April 2006 made the same offer to Osama bin Laden. To this day, none of the above have accepted her offer for health reasons“.

    Fixed

  98. 98.

    LGRooney

    @Morzer: And Grover had to lick off some of the crack to show you how much you would lose if Uncle Sam got into the legalization biz. It was a discussion into the abusiveness of our drug wars, really! I paid him for his… er, he paid me for… er, no money exchanged hands. Wouldn’t want Uncle Sam swooping in to lick off some of that.

  99. 99.

    Zifnab

    @PeakVT: You think he’d stop getting ridden around by the oil industry so much if someone just said his safe word?

  100. 100.

    eric

    teh good: Mrs. Kucinich

    teh bad: Ms. bachmann

    teh ugly: Liz Cheney, so i can make off-color political commentary about how she made more sense while [fill in the blank]

    eric

  104. 104.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    Larry Craig.

    Best choice to torpedo any denial, since as far as he knows it might be true. Not having seen any faces, that is.

    Come to think of it, though, we don’t see yours either. The Internet is a lot like an airport bathroom when you think about it, except the tapping is on keyboards.

  108. 108.

    LGRooney

    @Bill Murray: But, per the CIA, Saddam and Osama are teh gey and it was their conjugal bid to force gay marriage rights into the Shariah that meant we had to invade! Poor Ilona would have been so bored as they would have had no time for her.

  110. 110.

    Dinah

    Ann Coulter, please Ann Coulter! She’s not a politician, but I guarantee an affair with her is a traffic maximization strategy. Especially if you give us the details.

  111. 111.

    Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan

    Another for Bachmann. Something about those houndstooth jackets does it for me.

    But I’d have a lawyer standing by to serve the restraining order afterwards. ‘Cos the crazy is too much.

    Nobody mentioned Vitter yet? Even if you made him buy his own Depends?

  112. 112.

    LGRooney

    Do us some good down here in Virginia and make it Cuccinelli. Coochie- coochie-coo, indeed!

  114. 114.

    LGRooney

    @Dinah: Problem is that Lady Gaga has already shown us that woman with penis doesn’t sell that well.

  115. 115.

    Bobby Thomson

    Just make sure it’s a woman. Men can’t help bragging afterwards. That was Nikki Haley’s (alleged) mistake.

  119. 119.

    LikeableInMyOwnWay

    Is this something we at Balloon-Juice should consider as a traffic maximization strategy?

    Yes. We want to see you slipping into a hotel with Michelle Bachmann. I promise you more page views if you do this.

    Also, too, I will take back every shitty thing I have said to you in the last five years. I swear.

  124. 124.

    Michael

    The elephant in the room that everybody is afraid to mention:

    Married right wing chicks out on the prowl for men really do know how to get their freak on – its like they’re frenzied or something. If I was still into that sort of thing, I could run in those circles and get laid constantly by really depraved yet physically, um, talented and appreciative (even if batshit crazy) women just by going to wingnut events. I’m serious.

    If you really want to get laid, go to a wingnut conference or event and pick off 35-45 year olds who have traveled without their husbands. I’ve suspected that their husbands, being wingnuts themselves, tend to be completely selfish assholes in all facets of life.

  128. 128.

    libarbarian

    @Dina

    I agree.

    Personally, I’ll bet that she likes to be spit on and called a “dirty liberal whore” before getting facialed.

  129. 129.

    williamc

    It would have to be a Dem so that people think, “why would he kneecap one of his own like that if it weren’t true?”

    I’m going to stake my claim to Jack Conway, Dem Senate nominee in Kentucky; he’s attractive, well-spoken, and hates Rand Paul like you do (means you have stuff in common), plus the media would run with it because it puts crazy-ass back in the game (Rand might be insane, but he’s not queer!), and you know how they love a good horserace/dogfight…

  131. 131.

    LikeableInMyOwnWay

    If you really want to get laid, go to a wingnut conference or event and pick off 35-45 year olds who have traveled without their husbands.

    What a chickenshit. Pick ’em off right in front of their husbands, if you have a hair on your ass.

  133. 133.

    Corner Stone

    @Michael:

    Married right wing chicks out on the prowl for men really do know how to get their freak on – its like they’re frenzied or something. If I was still into that sort of thing

    Sooo…what’s the date on your death certificate then?

  135. 135.

    Martin

    @Sentient Puddle: I think Dougj should recount the escapades across McCain’s numerous homes, which walnuts always found exciting as he often felt he was seeing many of them for the first time.

  136. 136.

    Corner Stone

    @Persia:

    Aim high: Michelle Obama. Talk about how she called you ‘whitey’ in bed.

    Oh, I can guarantee you there would absolutely be a “I hate whitey” tape after that episode.

  138. 138.

    Mark S.

    How desperate do you have to be to have an affair with this guy? Were there no ex-cons available?

    Sarah Palin (who has endorsed Haley) weighs in:

    Well, whaddya know?

  140. 140.

    Corner Stone

    Honestly, as was mentioned earlier, you need a really good title to sell.
    That’s why, IMO, the only answer here is:
    The Ladies of Maine

  144. 144.

    Alain

    134 posts and no one stumbles onto the obvious choice:

    Massa

    I mean you already have a “history” with him, and lord knows, he likes snorkeling and ticklefights, so he’s easy prey…..

  146. 146.

    jibeaux

    I’m going to vote for Scott Brown, in the bed of a pickup truck, with a candlestick.

  148. 148.

    Emma

    Zifnab: You know, I knew, the moment the “edit” button went away, someone would mention that….. The minds around here…. LOL

  149. 149.

    Michael

    @Corner Stone:

    Sooo…what’s the date on your death certificate then?

    Oh, I wouldn’t turn down an escapade. I meant if I was still into wingnut political events.

  152. 152.

    JohnR

    116 to get Holy Joe? How disappointing – he was my first thought; the mental image of Droopy being brutalized (and loving it) made my day in a sort of perverse and horible way.

  154. 154.

    daverave

    sandwiched between Bachmann and Pelosi, trying to get to each other, if you know what I mean.

  155. 155.

    sukabi

    Maximum Impact — a four-banger with Inhofe, Coburn and Lieberman… just because they complain about a lack of bipartisanship.

  156. 156.

    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    @Morzer:

    Damn, I should have searched for “Lindsay” before I posted. That’ll teach me to spell correctly.

  157. 157.

    robertdsc

    Teh Gillibrand iz no fair! Leeaaavvvvvvve herrrr alooooooone! /cry

    I vote for Blanche Lincoln with a side of Laura Bush, non-drugged edition.

  160. 160.

    scav

    Benedictus XVI, Episcopus Romae a.k.a. Joseph Alois Ratzinger. This is BJ: we can multi-task.

  165. 165.

    scav

    @Patriot 3: oh noez, incidents overload and scandal miscegenation! I’m now watching the world being taken out by the Haley-BoP and the plunging Nikki marketz!
    @Tonal Crow: indeed. :)

  167. 167.

    QuaintIrene

    In other romantic news…

    Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh is set to marry his longtime girlfriend, Kathryn Rogers, next week in an intimate ceremony at his beachfront home in Palm Beach, Fla.

    Has she thought about interviewing any of the three previoius Mrs. Limbaughs?

  170. 170.

    jibeaux

    @Wile E. Quixote:

    I’ve got enough faith in DougJ not to script the whole thing for him. I’m sure he’ll find good use(s). Afterwards, maybe he can reward himself with Miss Scarlet, in the parlor, with the rope. Although I understand the original model for Miss Scarlet in the board game is James Lipton’s wife, so might want to be careful there.

  172. 172.

    jibeaux

    @Tonal Crow:

    It also could result in santorum. For those unaware of the internet tradition this is referring to, I recommend not googling Dan Savage’s definition if you have already had lunch.

  173. 173.

    YellowJournalism

    Kim Jong-Il

    I bet he’d call you “Mr. Clinton” in the throes of passion.

  174. 174.

    Corner Stone

    @sukabi:

    there is no “non-drugged” version of Laura Bush.

    And if there were, why would anyone want anything to do with her?

  176. 176.

    Corner Stone

    @jibeaux:

    That’s so winny, it ought to be in the House at Pooh Corner.

    I’ve been shamelessly giggling about this for a while now. For more than one reason.
    Which I will not go into here. At least until the WH releases their report on it first.

  181. 181.

    RedKitten

    Jesus Christ, I really should not have read this thread after eating lunch. I’m just picturing WAY too many unappealing people naked right now.

  182. 182.

    sukabi

    @QuaintIrene: whatever happened to Darryl Kagan, the CNN hostess that he was diddling a while back… she seems to have disappeared.

  184. 184.

    Randy P

    Somebody somewhere is getting a journal paper out of this thread. “Sexual pathologies in the modern liberal”, something like that.

  185. 185.

    poledancer

    3 options…

    1) Watching Coulter burying the wood in Cantor’s ass and listening to him scream with pleasure…

    2) banging Michelle Malkin while wearing a Fidel Castro mask…

    or 3) Bachman, Palin, a roll of duct tape a carry on bag full of meth and disposable cameras.

  187. 187.

    Patriot 3

    @brendancalling: for the best Ann Coulter article ever… “Soon she sat on my couch naked, gently pulling at her untrimmed pubic hair…” which for lack of bleach did not match the drapes…

  188. 188.

    Ash Can

    This thread has been up for just two hours, and it’s attracted over 180 little pieces of sheer depravity. ::sigh:: I love this community. ::wipes tear::

  192. 192.

    Patriot 3

    @sacman701: and whatever you do, don’t forget to (a) substitute Nick’s super hot wife for Nick, and (b) massage Angela’s shoulders…to most her reaction may say ‘no’ but she really means ‘yes’ unless you’re W. and then it means ‘get the f**k away from me, asshole!’

  193. 193.

    RedKitten

    @Corner Stone: Well, I usually assume that three-quarters of the commenters here are sans pants. But I certainly don’t need to imagine politicians that way.

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