Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Battle won, war still ongoing.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

Today’s GOP: why go just far enough when too far is right there?

Russian mouthpiece, go fuck yourself.

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Republicans in disarray!

Peak wingnut was a lie.

Everybody saw this coming.

The republican caucus is already covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

This has so much WTF written all over it that it is hard to comprehend.

You cannot shame the shameless.

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

T R E 4 5 O N

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

The words do not have to be perfect.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / I Deserved That

I Deserved That

by | 93 Comments

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Watching Lockout on Netflix, and I made a sandwich, ate half of it, and decided I had to go to the bathroom. Stood up, lit a candle and some lavender essential oil, and went to the bathroom.

Came back and saw both dogs on different sides of the room eating the half that remained of my sandwich. I yelled out a quick and ineffectual “Goddamnitbitches!” But in fairness, I can’t be mad this time. I left it on an end table, both of them were on my lap, they saw me head down the hallway to the bathroom, which is right near the bedroom, so I basically own this one. I forgot to even point at it and say “NO” to the girls.

I mean, in cop drama parlance, this was basically a clean kill by Rosie and Lily. I can’t get mad about it.

*** Update ***

In response to some of the early comments, I just forgot to put the damned sandwich up. It happens.

The real point of this update is that I am friends with JSF on Zuckerberg’s voluntary data mining project, and I had a dream last night that I totally forgot about until now, in which JSF and I were talking and he told me that Cornerstone was actually a 20 year old woman. I didn’t believe JSF, so he sent us all ventrilo information, and we all logged on and Cornerstone was indeed a woman who sounded like Kristen Chenoweth.

You can talk about that all you want while I figure out how put the right number of coils on a noose (13 is bad luck, yo!), because you FUCKERS are now in my dreams.

Reader Interactions

93Comments

  4. 4.

    Steeplejack

    This is reaching the point of Darwinian selection at work. How hard is it to put the sandwich plate on a bookshelf or someplace where they can’t get at it?

  8. 8.

    Calming Influence

    “…lit a candle and some lavender essential oil…

    Good God, do you even bother to read what you’ve written before you post it? Pull yourself together, man!

  10. 10.

    Corner Stone

    Shit. This whole thing is just performance art now. That kind of takes the fun out of it.

  12. 12.

    Calming Influence

    Say, wait a minute…the site looks a little different. Was “lit a candle and some lavender essential oil” just a head fake to sneak in some more heinous “site improvements”?

  14. 14.

    Elizabelle

    Would rather talk about cute dogs, but WTF is up with the DOJ and AP?

    RE IRS: do we need to give tax exemptions to any of the 501(c)4s?

  15. 15.

    Ted & Hellen

    This is weird.

    Didn’t we just get basically the same lame-ass, I can’t be bothered to train my dogs story a few weeks ago, regarding food stolen when you left the room?

    And what’s with the pause to light candles and essential oils…?

    Cole, you are losing it, I fear.

    Of course, there’s the distinct possibility you just make this shit up and you forgot you already told this one.

  16. 16.

    BarbCat

    From “I’m A Jackass” to “You People Are Morons” to “I Deserved That”. The Collected Concrete Poetry of John Cole.

  17. 17.

    BGinCHI

    I’m seriously getting worried about Cole. Even people with dementia protect their food.

    I think the solution is to have a Battle of the Bands type concert in his back yard this summer (maybe 4th of July weekend). We’ll all travel there and have a great time with the music and food and booze. Cole will cook for us and find us places to sleep and it will restore him.

    I’m not sure how that last thing will work but I do know it will be a hell of a lot of fun.

    Who’s with me?

  18. 18.

    Redshift

    RE IRS: do we need to give tax exemptions to any of the 501(c)4s?

    The ones who are engaging in blatantly partisan “social welfare” activity? No, none of the should get tax exemptions, but since Congress has steadfastly refused to do anything about defining what’s allowed and what isn’t, the IRS is rather limited, and can’t just decide to do what should be done.

  20. 20.

    jl

    Cole should be glad I’m not in his damn house. I would have finished it off (or at least the half he hadn’t bit into yet), and been to the fridge and would be halfway through another before he got whatever the eff weird lavender candle bathroom ritual he does.

    Edit: Guess next time I am West By God Virginny way, I can kiss off an invite.

  22. 22.

    NotMax

    Would that even more positive progress could be wrung from a horrible disaster, but a fast-track start appears in place.

    …On Monday, the [Bangladesh] government agreed to allow the country’s garment workers to form trade unions without permission from factory owners as part of growing concessions for industry reform.
    [snip]
    The Cabinet decision to allow trade unions came a day after the government announced a plan to raise the minimum wage for garment workers. Both moves are seen as a direct response to the collapse of the building, which housed five garment factories.

    Government spokesman Mosharraf Hossain Bhuiyan said the Cabinet approved an amendment to the 2006 Labor Act lifting restrictions on forming trade unions in most industries. The old law required workers to obtain permission before they could unionize.

    “No such permission from owners is now needed,” Bhuiyan told reporters after the Cabinet meeting presided over by Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina. “The government is doing it for the welfare of the workers.”

    Local and international trade unions have long campaigned for such changes.
    [snip]
    Bangladesh’s government has in recent years cracked down on trade unions attempting to organize garment workers. In 2010 Hasina’s government launched an Industrial Police force to crush street protests by thousands of workers demanding better pay and working conditions.
    [snip]
    On Sunday, the Bangladesh government set up a new minimum wage board that will issue recommendations for pay raises within three months, Textiles Minister Abdul Latif Siddiky said. The Cabinet will then decide whether to accept those proposals.  Source

  23. 23.

    Suffern ACE

    @Redshift: let’s see. Congress is unwilling to cut off groups that help fund the election of congressmen. I’m shocked!

  24. 24.

    dance around in your bones

    @BGinCHI: I’m with you! I’ll bring the brown acid and Cole will provide the Dead music.

    And a trippy time will be had by all. Bring your ankle bells and fringed jackets!

  26. 26.

    Spaghetti Lee

    in which JSF and I were talking and he told me that Cornerstone was actually a 20 year old woman

    (Puts on Freud glasses). Zo, tell me more.

  27. 27.

    TaMara (BHF)

    I think the dream was brought on by a comment JSF made the other night, saying something about Corner Stone being a woman, in jest and some believed him.

    JSF would have to confirm, but that’s my memory of the events.

    So there you go, seed planted, nightmare ensues.

  29. 29.

    YellowJournalism

    @Ted & Hellen:

    And what’s with the pause to light candles and essential oils…?

    If it takes that much to freshen the bathroom, it seems the more urgent question would be about what’s in his sandwiches.

  30. 30.

    jl

    @NotMax:

    OMG. Bangladesh will deludedly respond to a hideous and avoidable industrial tragedy with labor and safety reforms that will impede its progress.

    Immiseration awaits.

    Look what happened to the United States!

    Yglesias will weep.

  31. 31.

    Spaghetti Lee

    You know I once said your life is like a sitcom, I thinking it’s more like a Wile E Coyote cartoon.

  34. 34.

    The Dangerman

    …while I figure out how put the right number of coils on a noose…

    I don’t think the number of coils is all that important; it’s the length of the drop. Too short and death takes too long; too long and the head separates from the body (although your pets could play with your head like a ball, I suppose, so it’s kinda lose/win).

  35. 35.

    Spaghetti Lee

    @NotMax:

    This is more Doug’s territory, but I predict that someone from the WSJ or Reason will have a column within a few days about how the Bangladeshis are reacting in a short-term, overly emotional way, and will harm their competitiveness in the long run. They’ll also explicitly say that “while tragic” these sorts of things are the price you pay if you want to be competitive.

  36. 36.

    trollhattan

    We only have lavender optional oil at the house, so I think we’re doin’ it rong.

  37. 37.

    BGinCHI

    @Spaghetti Lee: That’s Friedman territory if I’ve ever heard it.

    “On the way to my hotel the taxi driver lamented the dead while wondering whether in the long run the economy….”

  38. 38.

    MattR

    @Ted & Hellen: No, no, no. The last one was the pets were sneaky and got his food despite his efforts. Tonight was the pets got his food because he is stupid. Very different stories even if the ending is the same.

  39. 39.

    jl

    @BGinCHI:

    I forgot Cole was a dead head. That explains a lot.

    I remember I was in grad school and the Grateful Dead gave a concert nearby. Maybe at the university stadium, not sure I remember. I was sharing a flat with a grad student newly arrived from Africa. He came back worried about what the hell was happening. Who were all these weird people driving in in all these weird buses and trucks?

    Was there some kind of civil unrest? Was there some calamity in the hinterlands that drove these weird primitive ‘mountain people’ into the city? Was it safe?

    I am exaggerating a little at my room mate’s expense. But, it is true, he had ‘questions’ about who these weirdos were.

    And so, I sat down and tried to explain to him about the Grateful Dead and their fans. I hope I was successful.

    I was a bit surprised myself. I thought all those people had OD’d years ago. And I am older than young Cole.

  40. 40.

    NotMax

    @

    I don’t think the number of coils is all that important

    For strict traditionalists, the hangman’s knot has 13 coils.

  41. 41.

    trollhattan

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    If it were up to Henry Ford he’s double their wages, make sure there were no Jews employed and bingo, there go your union problems.

    What’s below Bangladesh on the economic scale? I’d think we’ve about hit ground level at this point, but I suppose there’s someone more compliantdesperate. Hey, Abramoff is out of the big house, maybe he can help?

  42. 42.

    danimal

    Coming soon to a theater near you: I Blame Obama; the Impeachment Story.

    When liberals see a story and think, “Wow, that’s a scandal that might have legs,” conservatives have already test-marketed impeachment lines of attack.

    But don’t despair. Just remember danimal’s Golden Rule of Politics: Republicans ALWAYS over-reach.

  43. 43.

    dance around in your bones

    @BGinCHI: Awww, you gonna give Cole a sad.

    This reminds me that after the discussion of Newsmax ads posing as a real part of the site? I had a dream last night that my computer was taken over by ads, nothing but ads, couldn’t even get to the desktop. It was horrifying.

    Thank gawd I woke up and realized ’twas but a dream. Whew.

    I still say we spike the punch with brown acid and just see where it takes us. We’ll all be free-dancing to Sugar Magnolia, hands waving in the air and watching the trails our hands make. Lavender-oil scented, of course.

  44. 44.

    Corner Stone

    @Corner Stone: Wow. Sooo…now not only are you too stupid to put food up in a house with three animals, but you’re also losing it to the point where JSF is mindfucking you in both dreams and real life.
    If, in fact, anyone can claim what you currently exhibit to be any form of actual life at all.
    Personally, I blame your obsession of Glenn Greenwald. And the Kenyan, also, too.

  46. 46.

    Roger Moore

    Next time, John, you should douse the sandwich in ghost chili sauce so the dogs get a lesson about the inadvisability of stealing food from their human.

  47. 47.

    Belafon (formerly anonevent)

    @Elizabelle:

    DOJ and AP

    Short version (we can debate merits some other time):
    1. AP released story about thwarted terrorism thingy.
    3. DOJ gav a subpoena to phone company to get the phone records of calls to and from AP people to find leak. DOJ required to tell AP about subpoena, though it can be after acquiring records.
    3. AP releases story saying that government secretly obtained information about phone calls.

  48. 48.

    Jay in Oregon

    You can talk about that all you want while I figure out how put the right number of coils on a noose (13 is bad luck, yo!), because you FUCKERS are now in my dreams.

    This brings a tear to my eye.

  49. 49.

    jl

    @NotMax: I like a few Grateful Dead songs, and a few Garcia solos. But the dead heads, too much for me. I don’t get the same uncomfortable vibe from the permanent Burners around the Reno area, though there must be a lot of overlap.

  50. 50.

    Corner Stone

    Oh, and btw, I am totes a svelte 20-something.
    But you ain’t got the numbers to get with this.

  52. 52.

    Hal

    Watched the daily show and man Stewart pissed be off. He seemed to be implying that the ap and IRS “scandals” only help cement right winger paranoia. As if conspiracy theorists needed justification. Plus pbo doesn’t fucking oversee the IRS directly but what the hell.

    Also wondering how many articles Ron fornier is going to write on the unprecedented government power. Maybe he can consult his idol Karl Rove.

  53. 53.

    NotMax

    @dance around in your bones

    As enticing as spiked punch sounds, I’ll take a pass on the acid.

    Each and every time I dropped acid back in the day, all it did was put me to sleep.

    Woke up refreshed and all, but there are easier and cheaper ways to do that.

  54. 54.

    Narcissus

    Stood up, lit a candle and some lavender essential oil, and went to the bathroom

    Whattayou put in your sandwiches dude

  55. 55.

    jl

    @Belafon (formerly anonevent):

    And the AP decides now is a good time to write a misleading story.

    I think the Bush security state that Obama is continuing stinks, and hold Obama responsible for what he has done to normalize it. Obama does not get a passing grade in my book (for whatever that is worth, which is close to nada) in that area for timidity or hypocrisy, or just being hideously mistaken.

    But, do you really want to trust that the AP is totally disinterested in this story?

  56. 56.

    Bruce S

    I read the first several lines of this post and, honestly, I’m never going to read another John Cole post again in my life. It’s too fucking short to read some guy ruminating on eating half a sandwich, going to the bathroom and then…something…where his dogs eat the sandwich.

    God I hate myself for even commenting on this…probably better off just deleting Balloon Juice from my bookmarks and fugeddaboudit.

  58. 58.

    Corner Stone

    Personally, I agree with our president 100%. The IRS acted in a completely outrageous and indefensible manner!

  61. 61.

    BGinCHI

    @Bruce S: Now that you have unpacked your Concern Troll kit, you are going to need to practice more before you go out in public with it.

    We recommend 5 years of trolling family and friends via Facebook.

    Some suggestions:

    “Should I wash my hands after I pee?”

    “Will my parents like my new girlfriend even though we did it on the first date?”

    “Do I masturbate too much?”

    See you on the flip side.

  64. 64.

    dance around in your bones

    @NotMax: It never put me to sleep – rather, I stayed up for at least 24 hours.

    Ok, true story. The last time I dropped acid was in Nepal with the Hog Farm commune. The acid was clear window pane that the Grateful Dead had sent through the mail (I swear this is a true story!) At one point my husband-to-be and I wandered into this little temple and Wavy Gravy was sitting on this bronze tablet in front of a statue and chanting. We sat back against the wall and the whole universe started to breathe in and out, in and out with his chanting. Then we focused on the leeches that were crawling toward us from all directions. (There was actually a leech inspection station set up on one of the buses, and a leech repair station just after it, because so many people were coming back from wandering around in the forest with leeches stuck all over them).

    On that trip I remember thinking “I know this already, I KNOW this already” (you know, like Life, The Universe, and Everything ?) and I never dropped acid again after that. That was in 1971? I think.

    Because I already knew everything.

  65. 65.

    Corner Stone

    @BGinCHI: What’s the matter?
    You won’t give her half of your sandwich?
    You’re one greedy sonofabitch, I gotta tell you that.

  67. 67.

    Seanly

    I believe it is 8 or 9 loops in the noose. And the length of rope was determined to break the neck based on the weight of the person being hanged.

  69. 69.

    seehear

    The real crime here is that you were watching Lockout. Good God, man. That movie is unforgivably bad.

  70. 70.

    Corner Stone

    @Seanly:

    I believe it is 8 or 9 loops in the noose.

    Hmmm. But what if the noose needed to be made on the Sabbath? Do they have a noose making committee where each member makes two loops, and only two loops, in order to accommodate the fated prisoner?

  71. 71.

    Corner Stone

    @seehear: No, sorry. The real crime here is that he placed food in the face of a JRT and Rosie and somehow didn’t expect exactly what he got.

  72. 72.

    Joseph Nobles

    Angelina Jolie has a genetic predisposition to breast and ovarian cancer. So she’s had a double mastectomy and her op-ed about it is in today’s New York Times.

  73. 73.

    jl

    @Corner Stone:

    Well, no, I suggested you were a fat middle age farted out dude, bald, around 5 foot eight, around 280 pounds or so.

    And what does that have to do with a young lady, or her name?

    I was hoping you would insult my manhood so I could brag about my list of smokin’ hot girl friends that I have survived.

    But… life is so unfair.

  74. 74.

    Corner Stone

    It’s like me putting an MP-5 in front of my toddler (won’t fucking do that again!) and expecting him to not shoot some shit up.

  76. 76.

    NotMax

    @dance around in your bones

    Both neat-o and groovy.

    Yeah, most everyone else is awake and bopping around for a long time. After about an hour, could barely keep the eyes open and would head back to my bed and fall asleep. 8 to 10 hours of sleep, and that was the sum of it.

    Have always had a staggeringly high tolerance to any types of drugs (legal or not), also to alcohol.

    Poor dentist once just gave up when I still wasn’t numb after three shots of Novocain and two shots of procaine, and started right in on doing a root canal. Not a fun afternoon.

  77. 77.

    Corner Stone

    @jl: Well, that is..completely…inaccurate.
    God damn it! Who told on me!
    **SOBS**

    And the only lady you ever tangoed with is Rosie! Rosie Palms!
    So GFY!

  79. 79.

    Corner Stone

    @HinTN: You mean he’s going to adopt a child by forgetting he has animals in the house and leaving God only knows what kind of sandwiches at end table level for them so that he doesn’t enfatten himself any more than he already he is?

  82. 82.

    Spaghetti Lee

    Also, the Senate decides whether a president gets impeached, right? So…I mean, the House can rant and foam all they want, that’s all they’re good at. Nothing will come of this.

  83. 83.

    Mnemosyne

    @NotMax:

    I used to work with someone whose whole family had that same quirk. I think the worst story was when her brother broke his leg in three places but they couldn’t get him under anesthesia to fix it. I think they ended up doing the good old-fashioned “bite down on this and we’ll work as fast as we can.”

  87. 87.

    Burnspbesq

    @Elizabelle:

    RE IRS: do we need to give tax exemptions to any of the 501(c)4s?

    Is that a policy question or a rules question?

    If it’s a policy question, no, there’s no logically inevitable policy reason why we have to allow any kind of religious, charitable, social welfare organization a tax exemption. It’s the functional equivalent of a subsidy, but more economically efficient because the government doesn’t incur the administrative costs associated with collecting revenue and redistributing it on an annual basis; instead, the IRS does a one-time, up-front determination of whether an organization qualifies for the exemption as Congress has defined it.

    If it’s a rules question, yes, the IRS has to issue a determination letter to any organization that files Form 1024 and demonstrates to the satisfaction of the IRS that its proposed activities are within the rules. It’s an interesting question how an applicant that is turned down as a 501(c)(4) would challenge that determination. Prior to 2011, I would have said that the only way to challenge the adverse determination was to file a return, pay the tax, and claim a refund. Now that the Supreme Court has belatedly realized that the IRS is an “agency” for purposes of the Administrative Procedure Act, it remains to be seen how the courts will resolve the tension between the APA and the Anti-Injunction Act.

  88. 88.

    Burnspbesq

    @trollhattan:

    What’s below Bangladesh on the economic scale?

    Myanmar, Papua New Guinea, and most of sub-Saharan Africa. That’s about it.

  89. 89.

    andy

    I dunno if you noticed, but it’s been a super bad day for the Forces of Evil here in Minnesota. The okay for same sex marriage passed the state senate today, and when Governor Dayton signs the bill tomorrow, Minnesota will be the 12th state in the union to allow such unions. August 1st we’ll have a TON of weddings, and I know several same sex couples who most already be making plans!

    http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2013/05/13/politics/photos-same-sex-marriage-senate

  91. 91.

    Fred

    My mom said it is a sin to leave temptation laying out in front of anyone.
    In over 25 years living with golden retrievers I’ve never had a dog try to take food off of a table and still I won’t leave a room where food is on the table. I’m sure Cesar Melan could get away with it but not me. Put that grub up out of reach!

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