Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

You can’t love your country only when you win.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

I did not have this on my fuck 2022 bingo card.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

I did not have telepathic declassification on my 2022 bingo card.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Everybody saw this coming.

“Jesus paying for the sins of everyone is an insult to those who paid for their own sins.”

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

Damn right I heard that as a threat.

We are builders in a constant struggle with destroyers. let’s win this.

We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires

Consistently wrong since 2002

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

Optimism opens the door to great things.

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Dog Blogging / Speaking of Snow

Speaking of Snow

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It’s kind of a hot mess outside the Cole abode. We don’t have too much accumulation (two-three inches, maybe), but it was another one of those perfect situations to make the roads treacherous, because it was moist and rainy before the cold, so there is a slickness underneath the snow, as well as whipping winds and a really cold temp, plus those little snowflakes that seem to always fall forever.

At any rate, Lily went out to potty early this morning, but because she absolutely loathes having cold feet (that’s how the shoulder injury happened, if you remember), she has started to go outside five times, walked out onto the porch, said screw that, and turned around and gone back inside. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore had to go out, grudgingly walked out into what she considers Antarctica, and was underneath the pine tree doing number two when the most awesome thing (for me) happened. The wind picked up, and a giant clump of snow was knocked off the pine tree branches, right smack onto Lily’s back as she was in her indelicate and uncomfortable #2 position. Mid-poo, she raced the length of the yard, ran around in circles as if she was under attack, squatted and finished her business after thirty seconds of frantically looking for the snowman who assaulted her, finished her business, and ran inside with a very wounded look on her face.

I was in hysterics. I still am. I hope this does not make me an awful person, but I did wipe down her tootsies and she’s on my lap underneath my bathrobe and on top of my pj’s.

Reader Interactions

104Comments

  3. 3.

    maximiliano furtive, formerly known as dr. bloor

    I hope this does not make me an awful person,

    It does, but what would make you a really awful person is not getting it on video and posting it for your readers.

  4. 4.

    Aji

    Poor girl. You should be ashamed for laughing at her.

    Says the person who laughed at her own elderly dog last night when he turned around, lost his footing, and landed ass-first in the dogs’ water bucket. Poor guy; I felt so bad for him, and it was so funny I couldn’t help myself.

    Fortunately, they forgive us.

  5. 5.

    mai naem

    You are an awful pet servant not to have a heated concrete pad that she could do her #1 and #2 on. Lily should have red carpet rolled to the heated concrete pad.

  7. 7.

    Elizabelle

    What a sweet girl. You have to get the video ready next time Miss Lily has to go outside.

    She deserves an extra treat tonight.

  9. 9.

    dmsilev

    I’m in Boston visiting my parents, and we took the dog for a walk this morning when the storm was just beginning. He was not a happy camper. Took him out again in the afternoon and put on those little rubber booties for his paws, and life was much better. Even though his paws were cold, they were dry and salt-free. Might want to think about trying a set for Lily.

  10. 10.

    Anne Laurie

    Our twelve-year-old, fifteen-pound rescue papillon Zevon loves this powder — he was super-excited last night, barking & prancing, as the snow started to come down. Let all three dogs out the back door first thing this morning, and Zevon raced into the fluff, making snow angels, came in with his face frosted. He’s getting a little arthritic (and his knees were always problematic) so it was great to see him enjoying himself!

    Twenty-pound, eight-year-old alpha-bitch Gloria isn’t nearly as excited to get her feet cold, but when Zevon patrols the fenceline she feels required to go out and ‘supervise’. Skinny young Sydney was content to huddle under the roofed patio to take care of business… TBH, Sydney would be just as happy using the inside doormat, or at least the back stoop, but I’m sooooo unreasonable about such things…

  12. 12.

    Higgs Boson's Mate

    @dmsilev:

    Took him out again in the afternoon and put on those little rubber booties for his paws…

    If I had to choose between trying to put rubber booties on my dog’s paws and teaching him Calculus I’d be taking down my old textbooks.

  14. 14.

    Elie

    Stay cozy everyone and Happy New Year to all BJ-ers. Thanks for being you!

    John, glad you are enjoying all your friends — we cant have enough of them, right?

    Over the holidays, we babysat my next door neighbor’s cat, two toads and a boa constrictor for a few days. The boa is beautiful and thankfully really small still (about a foot long). Just changed its water once as it had been fed before our friends left town..

    Have been adding dried meal worms to my bird feed and some of the birds seem to really dig…

    That’s all for now…

  15. 15.

    CaseyL

    @dmsilev:

    Might want to think about trying a set for Lily.

    Booties for Lily were discussed in the aftermath of “John Cole: The Falling and Dislocating of Shoulders and Shattering of Shoulderblades into a Million Pieces While Walking Lily in the Snow” episode our host refers to.

    I don’t remember if we reached any consensus regarding booties; however, IIRC, we did all agree that John needed a professional keeper.

  20. 20.

    Roger Moore

    My cat growing up always had the same reaction to snow. He would ask to be let out, only to be startled by all the white stuff. He’d paw at it a couple of times, remember what snow was, and accept that it was going to be cold. Once he got over the initial shock, he seemed OK with snow, but the startled behavior was always the same.

  26. 26.

    Elizabelle

    We have snow in Northern Virginia. Don’t get it that often, so enjoying the sparkle.

    Gonna make some hot cocoa in a few.

  28. 28.

    ET

    John thank you for that story. I laughed until I had tears and wasn’t even there to witness it.

  30. 30.

    Hill Dweller

    Alabama’s pass rush has sucked all year. They have to blitz and/or run stunts to get any sort of pressure on the QB, which leaves them vulnerable.

    Saban can recruit/buy almost any defensive lineman he wants, but they never seem to have a dominant pass rusher.

    When at LSU Saban had several dominant D-lineman. I guess they pay better in Baton Rouge.

  31. 31.

    Joseph Nobles

    At least it wasn’t Rosie. JRTs are smart enough to know you’re laughing at them.

  32. 32.

    Poopyman

    It doesn’t make you an awful person, but you’ll be the one who has to clean up now that she will never try to #2 again, will blow up like a Macy’s balloon, and explode in your living room, spraying shit everywhere.

    Poor girl.

  34. 34.

    RepubAnon

    Robert Heinlein wrote a book called “The Door Into Summer” – the plot was contrived, but the title came from the hero’s cat. Seems as though when the weather was bad outside, the cat decided that the problem was that its human minion was opening the wrong door (after all, the cat reasoned, I’ve gone outside before – and it was nice and warm). The cat then ordered its primate servant to open every door and window in the house, one by one, looking for the door into Summer…

    Don’t let Lily read that book.

  37. 37.

    Bruuuuce

    @Raven: I’m sure it is (I haven’t had a dog since I was a boy, but even then, he pointed himself in all different directions to poop). But it’s entertaining, and if I can’t share it here, what good is it? :-)

  38. 38.

    Raven

    @Bruuuuce: True dat! I walk two every day and I can tell you one cocker spaniel will poop anywhere, anytime in any direction. Bohdi, on the other hand, always looks for high grass or somewhere it is hidden.

    eta I will be sharing it.

  43. 43.

    atlliberal

    In Atlanta we don’t get snow very often. The first time Lucky (My little rat terrier) saw snow, I let her out to pee and she ran all over the yard looking for a free space (without snow) to go. Of course there wasn’t one, so she ran up the driveway, and continued on up the hill looking for a place to go. After I got her back, she would not go out for hours, so I made my husband shovel a space in the front yard with a path leading to it, so she wouldn’t hold it for the ten days it took to melt. It worked .

  47. 47.

    Drunken hausfrau

    We’ve had more than a foot of snow, and temps are going to the single digits…our pug is NOT happy. Snow that tickles his pin is snow friend of his.

    But in Chicago, it’s just winter. Not some fancy named storm system! Ha!

  49. 49.

    Warren Terra

    I don’t know what you’re going on about. I haven’t seen a bit of snow, here in the greater Los Angeles area.

  50. 50.

    Anne Laurie

    @Bruuuuce:

    I just hope she gets the courage up to go out if this is a four-feet-of-snow winter, or John’s going to have all sorts of unhappy stories to tell us.

    Small-dog owners get to shovel ‘potty paths’ when the stuff gets too deep. (Which is approximately groin-deep, around six inches, for our guys.) One reason we added a four-foot ‘porch’ overhang with the roof replacement ten years ago was to cut down on the number of times we’d have to do this. The snow still drifts up onto the patio/stoop, especially since it’s a northern exposure, but even after last year’s two-foot Snowmageddon we could force the back door open & shovel/stomp a bathroom area for them without killing ourselves.

    Fun times is when we get repeated freeze/thaw cycles… we can tell how much the crust is refreezing by how far the dogs can skitter along the top without breaking through. Sydney’s only a pound or two lighter than the others, but most winters he gets at least one chance to ‘skate’ when the others are miserably chest-plowing or crust-punching behind him.

    The bad thing is, if the snowdrifts against the side-yard fence get too deep, we have to keep an eye on our escape-artist Zevon, who will take any opportunity to climb over & out. (Of course last time that happened, several years ago, he scrambled over the fence & fell into a two-foot-deep drift we had to excavate him from, but that wouldn’t stop him from trying again!)

  52. 52.

    Bruuuuce

    @Anne Laurie: I wouldn’t know about small dogs; the dog I raised was an Afghan hound, and my friend’s family raised Saint Bernards (plus the puppy they kept from the litter where one got out and was apparently bred by a German Shepherd). Gee, I wonder why I like larger breeds…

    Sounds like winter with small dogs (especially up in the Great White North of New England) takes a lot of effort. I applaud small dog owners who go to the lengths they do to ensure their dogs can do what they need under those conditions.

  53. 53.

    LT

    The wind picked up, and a giant clump of snow was knocked off the pine tree branches, right smack onto Lily’s back as she was in her indelicate and uncomfortable #2 position. Mid-poo, she raced the length of the yard, ran around in circles as if she was under attack, squatted and finished her business after thirty seconds of frantically looking for the snowman who assaulted her, finished her business, and ran inside with a very wounded look on her face.

    Holy snowy crap, that made me wobble with laughter.

    Our dogs, as a kid in Buffalo – not making this up – were not allowed inside. Summer or winter. In winter our German shephard mutt would go to sleep in the open (even though there was plenty of cover), and the snow would cover her body in the night. She get up in the AM and shake it off. Lily needs to dog up!

  54. 54.

    Pogonip

    @CaseyL: John needs Yak Trax ice treads. He should probably get the high-end models worn by mailmen, traffic cops, ambulance personnel–people who MUST go out no matter how slippery it is. Then, if he survives putting on the Yak Trax, maybe we can ponder how to actually get him outside in one piece.

  56. 56.

    gelfling545

    Snarla has declined to go outside for the last 24 hours (temps in 0-10 range & snow up to her belly) so the back hall is carpeted with doggie pee pads. Mewtant the cat puts out a paw occasionally when he forgets about the snow, shakes it to remove all traces of the foul stuff & gives me a look to let me know that he knows it’s all my fault.

  57. 57.

    Jay C

    I hope this does not make me an awful person, but I did wipe down her tootsies and she’s on my lap underneath my bathrobe and on top of my pj’s.

    AFAICT, the latter part of your quote more than negates the former. Happy Dog is it’s own reward…..

  59. 59.

    WereBear

    My mother’s Pom didn’t like his booties; until he grokked that it made his tootsies feel better. Then he would go to the door and throw himself on his back, feet in the air.

    Her next dog, a Papillon, did that one better. He was raised with booties and a sweater and such in the Frozen North, but then my mother moved back to Florida and thought she could dispense with the suiting up.

    Nope. He was such a ham, and enjoyed the attention his outfits got him, that he had to get a whole new wardrobe…

  62. 62.

    seefleur

    THIS is why I lurk here – y’alls stories do more to keep my blood pressure from topping out than any meds would. Living in Maine and having a short-legged dog (Beagle-Boston Terrier mix with the worst attributes of both breeds – bless her heart) I feel for Lily, but mostly I totally concur with John’s reaction… Just be forewarned John, Karma will get you for laughing at Lily. Fortunately for your avid readers, this will mean more stories of woe and mayhem. (The youngest of the felines in my family is named Mayhem – it was totally the perfect name for him. So I know Mayhem in all it’s forms. Your household definitely fits the mayhem vibe as I know it…)

    Thanks for the laughs, and I hope that 2014 is a banner year for the Cole household – you deserve it!

  64. 64.

    Hill Dweller

    @Socoolsofresh: Snowden will never get clemency. No country is going to allow someone to steal thousands of classified documents and flee to another country like Russia without paying a price. The NYT can write a hundred op-eds, but it won’t change a thing.

  65. 65.

    MomSense

    John Cole, I love how much you love your pets!

    We are holed up in the house. Outside it is -10 and the wind is howling. So it would be quite the idyllic scene here-dog, cats and me sitting by the fireplace were it not for the fact that the dog has wicked gas. I have no idea what the kids might have fed him today–but he is stinking me out!

    I am supposed to go snowshoeing with friends tomorrow but it is supposed to be -29 with the windchill. I’m afraid I may chicken out.

  66. 66.

    Yatsuno

    @Hill Dweller: The only way Snowden gets any kind of consideration here is if he gives information that he did indeed conspire with Greenwald and Poitras to take that job just to get whatever he could. And that goes against his hero narrative.

  67. 67.

    Baud

    still am. I hope this does not make me an awful person, but I did wipe down her tootsies and she’s on my lap underneath my bathrobe and on top of my pj’s.

    Dogs are very forgiving, even to awful people.

  69. 69.

    PsiFighter37

    Been snowing for a couple hours in Manhattan. It’s sticking quite well, which is surprising – usually it’s warm enough to not stick. I like it, because if it’s going to be as cold as a witch’s tit, it may as well be dumping some fun white stuff on the ground.

    Had a couple of friends from New Orleans in town; although both grew up in NY, one has become a bit terrified of cold weather. You want to be in the greatest city in the world, you accept some of the adversity.

    PF37 +5 (last one was a Sixpoint Sweet Action…Meatball Shop needs to carry better beers on tap)

  70. 70.

    Cacti

    @Socoolsofresh:

    So, no one wants to talk about the Snowden clemency editorial in the NYTimes

    Would that be the same august editorial board that supported Dubya’s invasion of Iraq?

  72. 72.

    Schlemizel

    My cat is funny. She likes to go out in the back yard but now that the weather has turned to crap she can’t stand to go out. So every night when I get home from work she runs to the back door & yowls at me until I open the door. She then looks outside, turns and gives me a dirty look and complains loudly then sulks for the next 20 minutes, occasionally going back to the door and hollering to be let out again.

    I think she believes it is my fault that I won’t open the door into summer.

  74. 74.

    Mnemosyne (iPhone)

    @Hill Dweller:

    One of the many differences between civil rights workers and civil libertarians: civil rights workers were willing to go to jail after deliberately breaking unjust laws, but civil libertarians think they should get a ticker-tape parade and a hearty handshake instead.

  75. 75.

    Jim, Foolish LIteralist

    @GHayduke (formerly lojasmo): Well, you do, evidently. So..no.

    Ha! I was already chuckling, cause flipping through the channels I just caught Rudi 9/11 working as a pitchman for some dot com or other. Man made thirty million reminding us he was Mayor of 9/11 and it wasn’t enough? He must be dating again.

  76. 76.

    Cacti

    @Mnemosyne (iPhone):

    One of the many differences between civil rights workers and civil libertarians: civil rights workers were willing to go to jail after deliberately breaking unjust laws, but civil libertarians think they should get a ticker-tape parade and a hearty handshake instead.

    Moscow Ed Snowden practices the civil disobedience of the “trophies for participation” generation.

  77. 77.

    MattR

    The problem with working from home is that you don’t get snow days. Though I guess it could be worse. I could have a job that requires me to be out on the roads no matter what the conditions are.

  79. 79.

    JoyfulA

    @Anne Laurie: I had a wonderful little alley cat whose first snow was the greatest thing ever. It was two feet of snow, a day of melt, and then a hard freeze. He went flying across the top of it and enjoyed the new look at the trees and garage door from a much taller perspective. Jumping on the wall took no effort.

    His second snowfall was disgusting. He sailed off the step and, instead of gliding along, wound up in cold, damp stuff up to his shoulders. The disgust was obvious on his face, but I wondered about his deeper thoughts. I ate too much and now I’m too heavy? Is this yet another season of the year—what’s next? Is this where frozen fish come from?

  81. 81.

    Elie

    @Hill Dweller:

    I think the NYT is crazy for even suggesting. That creep (and whether he did or did not ultimately inadvertently bring something good about),deserves a long time to think about the rights and obligations of US citizenship… as he sits his worthless ass in Russia. May he enjoy his stay and learn the joys of vodka. He made his choice and his choice was Putin. Let him own that. Let him want to be an American first and own and say that… loudly and with pride — FIRST. He owes us that pledge to want the best for us more than trying to show up a current President or lick GGs — whatever. Otherwise, he can stay there forever. Amen

  82. 82.

    hitchhiker

    The shoulder story was the very first thing I read here, and the reason I stayed. Cole = awesome writer + real human being. Not a common combination, in my experience.

  83. 83.

    Mike in NC

    @PsiFighter37: My buddy from Hoboken got married and settled in New Orleans. We visited about 15 years ago and thought it was a miserable shithole. You couldn’t pay us to go back there in 50 years, but I’d like to see the Big Frickin Apple again.

  84. 84.

    Yatsuno

    @Elie:

    Otherwise, he can stay there forever

    Russia has already said he gets to stay one year. After that his visa is expired and he gets kicked out. Plus his passport was revoked, so going anywhere will be a monstrous pain for him. Oh wells, consequences and all that.

  85. 85.

    PsiFighter37

    @Mike in NC: The last time I was in NO was in June 2004 (pre-Katrina) in high school…so I’d like to go experience it once as an adult. And in February, hopefully the weather won’t suck as bad as it did then.

  86. 86.

    Elie

    @Yatsuno:

    True dat — consequences etc.

    Again — if he wants to own his affiliation with America — he needs to say that he wishes that first. Obama is a side bar who will be gone in two years. What he has done will have impacts beyond that good and bad. To be in our midst, to have OUR trust… he needs to show something beyond his bullshit self serving comments. Frankly, for me I could care less if he ever returns. For all his hand wringing advocates, let them eat snow…

  87. 87.

    MikeInSewickley

    It was just Nature’s way of telling her – “Hey, do you know how good you have it? Don’t you dare bitch at the Caretaker.”

    Now if only I could convince my cats of that – but they don’t go outside. So I’m still just the staff.

  88. 88.

    J R in WV

    Love New Orleans. Love it.

    Visited it as a youth on liberty in the USN – my ship visited the city annually to pay a courtesy call on the widow of the hero the ship was named for. First trip, 19 y o went into a bar, walked to the bar and ordered a beer, drank some, turned around and looked at the dance floor.

    Most all women dancing to Creedence Clearwater. I thought to myself that I had found the bar where all the girls with no date for Mardi Gras came. Then I noticed that most of them were moving carefully, so as not to jar anything loose. 19 y o hillbilly in a bar full of drag queens. So glad I wasn’t in a navy uniform!

    A real learning experience. Been back many time to experience the music, of every type. Great tunes all over the town. And food! My FSM the food!

    Haven’t been back since Katrina – several times just before that, all great trips.

  89. 89.

    Mnemosyne (iPhone)

    So, a paranoid question for cat people — at the advanced age of 4, Charlotte has suddenly decided she likes sitting in my lap. Otherwise, she seems to be acting normally (for Charlotte). Should I worry?

  90. 90.

    OldDave

    All this talk about letting ones dogs out in winter reminded me of an old Loudon Wainwright III song about a winter storm hitting London, where he lived at the time:

    “I took my dog for a walk, she took a crap, you won’t smell it until April or May”

  91. 91.

    jl

    Funny Lily story. Thanks Cole.

    Glad it was about one of the pets. I was afraid Cole maybe made a resolution to take up high class fine quality hookers and blow.

    Edit: Well, hell, the thought just crossed my mind for a second, Cole doesn’t have that old rattle trap car wringing him dry anymore. He has a little cash to spare and he’s a YOLO kind of guy, right?

  93. 93.

    Steeplejack

    @Mnemosyne (iPhone):

    After careful consideration, she has decided you’re a keeper.

    ETA: TCM in an orgy of silents and pre-Code until 8:00 p.m. EST tomorrow. Heavy on Joan Crawford.

  94. 94.

    Roger Moore

    @Elie:

    I think the NYT is crazy for even suggesting.

    The NY Times is scarcely an uninterested party. They have a very strong interest in making it as easy as possible for government officials to leak information to the press, whether that information serves the public good or is only valuable for generating headlines. That’s a big reason they’re so eager to mislabel indiscriminate leakers like Snowden “whistleblowers”.

  96. 96.

    Roger Moore

    @Mnemosyne (iPhone):

    I wouldn’t worry. Cats are just idiosyncratic, and they change their habits for no obvious reason. They’ll decide something is out of bounds and refuse to go there, only to change their minds. As long as her behavior is otherwise normal, it’s most likely a sign that she’s just gotten over some idiosyncratic reason for avoiding your lap.

  98. 98.

    John Cole

    @Mnemosyne (iPhone): No, that’s just about when they start to decide the furless monkey is not too threatening and really hasn’t harshed my lifestyle too much other than those vet visists, and what the hell, it is cuffing season, and it’s cold outside, it’s been a while since I left and that does look like a really warm lap, plus, I have claws and I can cut a bitch if she gets too aggressive and…

  100. 100.

    Mnemosyne (iPhone)

    @Steeplejack:
    @Roger Moore:
    @John Cole:

    Her previous lap times have usually involved her feeling sick, so I worry. But I was also home for most of the past week since I had some time off from work, so I guess I was sitting still long enough for her to perch.

    She also seems to be chasing Keaton off the bed if he tries to sleep there with the rest of us, though that may also be because I moved his pillow off the bed after he puked on it at 2 am one magical evening.

  101. 101.

    Roger Moore

    @Mnemosyne (iPhone):

    Her previous lap times have usually involved her feeling sick, so I worry.

    That may just mean she seeks your lap for comfort. Or it may be that her previous sicknesses have given her a bad association with your lap that’s taken a while for her to overcome.

  102. 102.

    Montarvillois

    It’s 4:30 am, -8 here with blowing snow. I’ve already opened the front door several times – heating costs! – on the cat’s demand, but no go, he’s instantly turns around and re-enters the house. Has done his business in the litter box so I guess he figures weather conditions can drastically improve within 10 minutes.

  103. 103.

    fidelio

    Inasmuch as she’s to blame for that whole shoulder thing, I’d say you were owed that laugh.

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