Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

You know it’s bad when the Project 2025 people have to create training videos on “How To Be Normal”.

People identifying as christian while ignoring christ and his teachings is a strange thing indeed.

If you are still in the gop, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

Those who are easily outraged are easily manipulated.

Nothing says ‘pro-life’ like letting children go hungry.

We will not go quietly into the night; we will not vanish without a fight.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

Hey hey, RFK, how many kids did you kill today?

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Not loving this new fraud based economy.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

These days, even the boring Republicans are nuts.

Of course you can have champagne before noon. That’s why orange juice was invented.

Conservatism: there are people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

The desire to stay informed is directly at odds with the need to not be constantly enraged.

Mediocre white men think RFK Jr’s pathetic midlife crisis is inspirational. The bar is set so low for them, it’s subterranean.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

America is going up in flames. The NYTimes fawns over MAGA celebrities. No longer a real newspaper.

Republicans seem to think life begins at the candlelight dinner the night before.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

“In this country American means white. everybody else has to hyphenate.”

Fight for a just cause, love your fellow man, live a good life.

All hail the time of the bunny!

You are here: Home / Mission Unpossible- The Toothening

Mission Unpossible- The Toothening

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Today was the longest god damned day ever. Left the house to take Christion to a dental appointment at 7 am, 2 1/12 hours later learned they couldn’t do anything, so we came home before driving to the urgent care clinic at WVU 90 minutes away. Get halfway home and find out the entire town of Bethany is basically shut down because there was apparently a hostage situation at the fraternity house 150 yards away from me:

Police are investigating after initial reports of a possible hostage crisis at a frat house at Bethany College early Tuesday morning.

That report turned out to be incorrect and police say they were looking into an armed invasion, which proved to be the case. Calls came in to the Brooke County Sheriff’s Office around 7 o’clock of a suspicious individual with a shotgun. The person is said to have been seen on two different floors of the Sigma Nu fraternity house and fleeing the scene in a white Acura sedan.

Bethany, where even our hostage situations turn out to be boring as fuck.

So we got the animals ready for us to be gone for the day and beat a hasty retreat to the WVU dental clinic in Morgantown, which, by the way, starts TOMORROW, so traffic was fucking miserable. Christion was in agony, I was ready to kill someone, AND NO ONE ANYWHERE KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING USE TURN SIGNALS. Three hours later we got back on the road with Christion looking like the elephant man, spitting blood into a cup and sounding like Slingblade because he couldn’t talk. Drove through a driving rainstorm at 30mph the whole way home, and Steve had for some reason or another pissed on the bathroom mat and the entire house smelled horrible. I’m guessing his royal goddamned highness, who doesn’t use a litter box, didn’t want to go outside in the rain.

Came to come get some work done and my fucking computer chair’s hydraulics apparently have given up the ghost and I am now sitting somewhat underneath my desk looking up at my monitor.

I’m still sober though and Lily gave me a kiss, so it’s not all bad.

Reader Interactions

122Comments

  3. 3.

    Big R

    Assuming this is an open thread, can somebody please point out to valued commenter Ultraviolet Thunder that there is a juicer in Tuscaloosa who would be happy to play genial host this weekend? He mentioned being here this weekend, but I haven’t been on at the same time he has yet.

  5. 5.

    Trollhattan

    Time to break out the power tools? With that kind of day you should take advantage of your roll.

  7. 7.

    Virgil The Pure

    Dang! Sorry to hear about your miserable day! On the bright side, it looks like Old Dkkk Donald is turning over a new leaf:

    “This is my pledge to the American people: as your President I will be your greatest champion. I will fight to ensure that every American is treated equally, protected equally, and honored equally.
    We will reject bigotry and hatred and oppression in all its forms, and seek a new future built on our common culture and values as one American people.”

    AND

    “Just as we won the Cold War, in part, by exposing the evils of communism and the virtues of free markets, so too must we take on the ideology of Radical Islam.
    While my opponent accepted millions of dollars in Foundation donations from countries where being gay is an offense punishable by prison or death, my Administration will speak out against the oppression of women, gays and people of different beliefs.”

    Source:
    https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/

    *scratches head*

  9. 9.

    germy shoemangler

    There is a crooked “roofer” in my neighborhood. He rings my doorbell and says “The [mumble mumble] on your roof fell off. You probably have rain getting into your roof. I can fix it real cheap.” I told him no thanks, then had a real roofer take a look at it. Of course there was nothing wrong; no water damage, no leaks.

    Today I saw him ringing another doorbell down the street.

  12. 12.

    germy shoemangler

    What would chairs look like if human knees bent backwards like birds’ knees?

    (And I wish I could remember who first asked that question)

  15. 15.

    Libby's Person

    I’ve had a very energetic (i.e., exhausting) day, but for a fun reason. We got a second dog! Bo (short for Boyd, his shelter name) is ~2.5 years old, probably an aussie-mix; he was pulled from a shelter about 3 weeks ago by a rescue group. He’s adorable! And very sweet and friendly. He’s got a LOT more energy than his big sister, which is going to take some getting used to, but this means that he’s going to be a blast to train!

  17. 17.

    Original Lee

    I was similarly caught in the rain and after being stuck with a choice between two really sucky radio stations, I grabbed my co-ax cable and plugged in my phone so I could listen to my Spotify playlist. I have the free Spotify, which means ads, and by golly, Hilz had two great ads on during the 2 hours it took me to get home. Her internet/social media people are really on the ball.

  20. 20.

    Bobby D

    I’m glad you’re still sober. Life is trying that way, and a little escape can look pretty good, I say that as someone with 6yrs, 5months off the booze. It ain’t been easy at times, and I’m not a joiner, so did it without any AA or other support. Had a lot of deaths among my family and close friends during that period too, which was trying. And I still enjoy the hippie lettuce (hey, it’s “medical”, keeps me off the anxiety meds and SSRIs). But good riddance to that other poison.

    Now git in thar and whup up some mustard biscuits for that boy, mmm hmmm.

  23. 23.

    Bobby D

    I’m glad you’re still sober. Life is trying that way, and a little escape can look pretty good, I say that as someone with 6yrs, 5months off the booze. It ain’t been easy at times, and I’m not a joiner, so did it without any AA or other support. Had a lot of deaths among my family and close friends during that period too, which was trying. And I still enjoy the hippie lettuce (hey, it’s “medical”, keeps me off the anxiety meds and SSRIs). But good riddance to that other poison.

    Now git in thar and whup up some mustard biscuits for that boy, mmm hmmm.

  24. 24.

    Corner Stone

    @germy shoemangler: We’ve had a rash of “City Contractors” around here knocking on doors saying they need to come in and check [mumble mumble].
    They get the popes called on them rikki tik.

  25. 25.

    raven

    @germy shoemangler: He might be one of those “Irish travelers”

    “Det. Lt. Ed Blair said these Travelers move around from county to county and are usually gone by the time complaints are reported to local authorities.

    “They target older homeowners who tend to be more trusting,” he said. “They have been known to actually damage a home in some way in order to create a need for repairs, and then offer a cheap solution to the problem.”

    He reported that “they offer to work as house and barn painters, driveway pavers, lightning rod installers, roofers and so on. These con artists will offer to prune your trees, seal your roof and exterminate your termites (usually by spraying nothing more than water). Often, one of them will keep you engaged in a conversation while a cohort goes inside your home and steals anything of value, especially silverware and jewelry.””

  27. 27.

    germy shoemangler

    @Corner Stone: Last summer I had two different young men (I later saw them down the street together) ring my doorbell and ask me if I was getting my “discount” from my gas and electricity utility. They sort of tried to pass themselves off as representatives of that utility. They said they’d wait while I went to look for my latest bill. I told them I wasn’t interested and closed my door. Assholes.

  31. 31.

    MobiusKlein

    I could rant for hours about drivers not bothering with turn signals getting pissy at the bicyclist they almost creamed.

    And when you get to the big city, you can also rant at the asswholes who enter the intersection when there is a clog on the other side, and end up blocking cross traffic when they’re stuck in the middle. And flippin uber drivers, worse than taxis. Bah ghrmble

  32. 32.

    germy shoemangler

    @raven:

    He might be one of those “Irish travelers”

    That’d be a nice name for a folksinging duo, circa 1961.

    I’ve become so suspicious that I ignored an actual legitimate letter from my utility. They subcontracted the inspection of inside gas lines to a private company. When I got the letter I tore it up. Then I got a second one, registered mail (of course the mailman didn’t bother ringing my doorbell, just left a note in my box to pick up the letter at the post office). I went and got the second letter. I called my utility and they said it was on the level. Guy came to check for gas leaks.

    I honestly thought it was another scam.

  33. 33.

    Corner Stone

    @MobiusKlein: If you do not want to go fast, get out of the fast lane.
    *grumbles a driver on I-10 on the two lane stretches of highway between actual towns*.

  34. 34.

    TriassicSands

    John, do you have a litter box available for Steve to use, even though he prefers to go outdoors? If you don’t, you could provide one and Steve, despite his preference, might choose a litter box over a bathroom mat. (Being a cat, Steve is exempt from all rules of rationality, so you may well already have a box available and Steve is contrary enough to avoid using it.)

  36. 36.

    germy shoemangler

    @Corner Stone: My hands seize up sometimes and I can’t type shoemangler. Doctor says it’s to be expected at my age. Told me to just use the first nym.

  38. 38.

    JPL

    As bad as John’s day was it was nothing in compared to the way Walter suffered. I think he knows that though.

  39. 39.

    aimai

    Only you, John, only you. I think I held it together until the description of you looking up at your monitor. I hope Cristion feels better soon.

  40. 40.

    Shana

    I spent a good portion of the day taking our campaign staffer to an auto auction place about 50 minutes away from home so she could buy a car for $1,000 since her beater of a Civic died yesterday. She’d put about 40,000 miles on it driving from New Hampshire to Louisiana, back to New Hampshire, out to Iowa, on to California and then to Virginia. We tried jumping it yesterday but it didn’t take so she figured it was really truly dead, or would cost more to fix than it was worth so she needed a new one. She found a 1984 Mercedes on their web site for $1,000 but when we got there they couldn’t get it started so she got a 1995 one instead. The turn signals don’t work, and the brakes will probably have to be done relatively soon, but the body’s in good shape as is the interior so all in all it’s an improvement.

  41. 41.

    redshirt

    @PaulWartenberg2016: Indeed. The actor of one my favorite characters from my favorite shows (Lorne, from Angel) died at a very young age when his tooth infection spread to his bloodstream and suddenly it was too late. Shit’s serious.

  42. 42.

    Ultraviolet Thunder

    @Big R:
    Thanks. That’s very kind. Tuscaloosa is a cool town.
    I’m in San Diego, going to San Jose tomorrow and possibly going on to Tuscaloosa Friday. Because my manager is insane.
    If I actually end up going (will be decided the moment it’s too late to prepare properly) I will try to get in touch.
    ETA: more complicated because a colleague who came along to assist is sick in bed. And I have the car. So I can’t leave him. This is the second time in a row that someone I was supposed to train ended up ill instead of training.
    I’m carrying something apparently.

  45. 45.

    laura

    Christion, has had a lesson in “don’t fek around with a bad tooth” and I hope he never has to repeat the misery that is abscess in need of endo & what follows. And you Mr. Cole, a seeming Job/Noah that only the GSM could imagine, has provided a real-time window into the world of a curmudgeonly mensch who seems to be adding layers to his life in the responsibilities he’s managing and adding.
    Thanks. Really, thank you.

  49. 49.

    raven

    @Libby’s Person: I saw the picture of your pup but then I looked back and couldn’t find the post? I had a buddy with an english setter with a face like that, his name was “Deadeye”!

  52. 52.

    Mike E

    Pictures of a young Richard Nixon frighten me…what’s the odds on a Repub candidate for president graduating in the top 5 of his/her class (RMN went to Duke)?

  53. 53.

    debbie

    @germy shoemangler:

    I saw his show last week, his last. Apparently it was the first one he’d missed in 34 years. He wasn’t on the set, but he narrated a couple of lead-ins. They shouldn’t have let him. He was slurring so badly they used subtitles. I never agreed with him, but it was very sad.

  54. 54.

    Mary G

    Poor John. That is a truly sucky day. We’ve got a terrible fire in the Cajon Pass, which is on the way from SoCal to Las Vegas. I am yelling at idiots on the news who’ve been ordered to evacuate and refusing.

    Have some Lily time and you’ll feel better.

  56. 56.

    Arclite

    You should be able to order a new hydraulic post for your chair. Probably 10 or 20 bucks to fix it.

  58. 58.

    germy shoemangler

    @KS in MA:

    Ugh. In my area, at least they only use the phone (and are they ever persistent). So far.

    One reason we gave up our landline. The calls became more than a nuisance. Downright abusive. The “do not call” registry didn’t deter them.

  59. 59.

    ruemara

    Well, the sole other employee in my office wants to leave. Not only are we understaffed by 50% right now, but he handles administration for a program that’s nearly a third of our income. Why, one might wonder. Our new boss has no experience in a media company or an international business and has not let that be an obstacle to charging into things we have to fix. Daily. Literally. Oi vey. I don’t know what to do.

  61. 61.

    Calming Influence

    I don’t care about people not using turn signals, because it seems that 90% of drivers in Washington state believe the speed limit is the absolute upper end of the velocity spectrum, only to be approached in extreme emergencies. I have never lived in a state where people routinely drive so slowly. Using turn signals would probably slow them down even more. I’m a patient man, and I don’t want people to start driving like maniacs, but for God’s sake, I would be thrilled to spend just one day running errands behind people who drove at the speed limit.

    It’s them, right? It’s not me…

  66. 66.

    Origuy

    Turn signals. One of my pet peeves. I live in an area with a lot of multi-lane roads and dedicated left turn lanes. I see people crossing four lanes of traffic with no signal to get into the left turn lane. When the green arrow comes on, they turn on their signal, now that it’s unnecessary, before they start to move. Entirely unclear on the concept of why the signals are there. Probably Trump voters.

  69. 69.

    Origuy

    I used to watch the McLaughlin Group. Extremely shouty, but actual conversations between people with different points of view. He probably figured it was easier to die than to decide for whom to vote this fall.

  70. 70.

    Adam L Silverman

    @TaMara (HFG): He had to see the dentist, not the vet. I don’t think that even in that much pain Christion would agree to let Cole have him fixed. Though if he doesn’t ever want to have kids, its probably an option at some point.

  72. 72.

    delk

    Because of some track problems with the CTA this morning, my 25 minute commute home from a doctor’s appointment took almost two hours.

    I tried to work myself up to some sort of outrage but honestly the car had great AC and excellent wi-fi. Besides, enough people around me were in various states of upset. Only thing I was going to be late for was my nap.

    Got home and made a donation to Hillary. That always makes me feel better.

  73. 73.

    Brachiator

    @germy shoemangler:

    . There is a crooked “roofer” in my neighborhood. He rings my doorbell and says “The [mumble mumble] on your roof fell off. You probably have rain getting into your roof. I can fix it real cheap.”

    A roof whisperer.

    And that’s the tooth.

  80. 80.

    Schlemazel

    @raven:
    It seems to me the crowds have been pitiful at every event I have seen. Nobody is talking about it but event the so-called premier events like womens gymnastics have been poorly attended.

  85. 85.

    Ajabu

    @Big R:
    The three categories of elephants:
    1) African elephant – distinguishable by his large ears and tusks.
    2) Asian elephant – more delicate, smaller ears and tusks.
    3) Alabama elephant – skin is tighter & Tuscaloosa.
    (Sorry, couldn’t resist…)

  89. 89.

    Ultraviolet Thunder

    @Adam L Silverman:
    Yo!

    Turn signals: I do not care. I drive defensively and expect everyone to be texting or swatting a brat instead of paying attention.
    In the last 3 weeks: Atlanta, Chicago, Boston, Chicago (again), San Jose, San Diego. With a lot of Detroit thrown in in between.
    I trust nobody and I get along fine.

  93. 93.

    ruemara

    @redshirt: I need IT/DP/Billing/BusinessAdmin/CustomerCare consultant. That’s just for what he does. I really need a bottle of rum, a ticket to Mallorca and Bill Gates’ housing budget plus Keanu Reeves with massage certification. This damned day. This bloody year.

  97. 97.

    Shana

    @Ultraviolet Thunder: “I trust nobody and I get along fine” was exactly what I tried to teach my girls when they were learning to drive. “I know you know the rules of the road, but you have to think that everyone else on the road is an idiot and will behave accordingly.” I hope it sunk in.

  98. 98.

    Mike in NC

    FYI, drivers in South Carolina don’t use turn signals, nor do they look before backing up.

  99. 99.

    Adam L Silverman

    @Ultraviolet Thunder: I’m assuming that the “Yo!” and only the “Yo!” was directed towards me. So unless I hear otherwise, I’ll do a test message to introduce you and Big R in case you do need to link up.

  100. 100.

    joel hanes

    @ruemara:

    I don’t know what to do.

    Sounds like it’s time to start updating your resume,
    and talking to former co-workers who are now happily employed elsewhere.

    You owe your boss nothing except integrity.

  101. 101.

    Ultraviolet Thunder

    @Shana:
    Driving since 1976, I have had one moving violation, 24 years ago. I am paranoid of everything on the road.
    Driving is by far the most dangerous thing that I do. And I work on lasers and robots in factories, and fly 100,000 miles a year. Driving is where the hazard is, and you acknowledge that and deal with it or there will be consequences.

  105. 105.

    NotMax

    Replaced the ceiling light fixture* in landlady’s living room. Plaster ceiling. Even worse, plaster applied over beaverboard.

    Did whoever installed the original one use screws, or screws and anchors, or even bolts?

    No-o-o-o.

    They used flat head roofing nails.

    *Ugly thing that used bare circular ring-type fluorescent bulbs.

  106. 106.

    redshirt

    @Mike in NC: I assume by now everyone thinks their local drivers are the worst.

    For example, I had to navigate Boston rush hours for 6 years by car. Pure hell. I moved to Maine and thought it would be driving heaven. Nope. They’re just as bad, just a lot slower and there’s not as many cars most of the time, so you can escape more quickly. But the fundamentals are just as bad.

  108. 108.

    Technocrat

    @ruemara:

    Never let an IT guy learn about “outside”. Especially if they’re mission-critical. They get ideas.

    You could hire a recent grad replacement, then pay your soon-to-be-ex employee a consultant fee to train the new person.

    ETA: Or you could pay him to train Keanu Reeves.

  110. 110.

    Renie

    Tomorrow Trump receives his first classified national security briefing. What’s the bet on how many days it will be before he blurts something out in public?

  113. 113.

    Mike in NC

    @redshirt: Yup. Got my Learner’s Permit in Boston and am scared as hell whenever I visit relatives. Have suffered through traffic jams in L.A. and Manhattan. Survived 20 years fighting on the D.C. Beltway. But my wife has much better horror stories of being in Cairo and Mumbai.

  115. 115.

    NotMax

    @raven

    Yeah, there was a recessed shallow box wedged between two joists. Upside is she now has a flush to the ceiling LED fixture which gives enough light to actually read by and doesn’t just dimly flicker whenever the weather is damp, for not much more cost than purchasing a new ballast would have been.

    Whatever company built her house cut every corner possible. Each time I do work for her it take at least3 times as long as it should. Nothing is square, nothing is plumb.

    Several years ago I replaced her stove hood and discovered the power came from a Romex cable that came out out the wall, ran across the inside bottom shelf of the over the stove cabinet, not even stapled in place, and snaked through a hole drilled into the bottom of the cabinet. Oy.

    Don’t mind doing repairs and such for her but draw the line at touching the disaster that is the plumbing and insist she call a professional for that. Several years ago tore out and rebuilt a termite eaten interior wall in the garage. New one is aluminum studs and vinyl covering – not a termite in the world gonna attack that sucker. Liberal amounts of boric acid sprinkled on the framing to deal with cockroaches, centipedes, etc.. Exceeds local codes and anchored into the concrete slab.

  116. 116.

    Brachiator

    @Renie:

    . What’s the bet on how many days it will be before he blurts something out in public?

    Days?

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  117. 117.

    KlareCole

    As a former Brooke Co. native, I am still trying to absorb the phrase ‘possible hostage situation at Bethany College.’ Everything else & a drive to Morgantown? Shazam! What a day. I sure hope Christian feels better. I hope by now you are off the floor, I’m sorry, I cracked up at that one. But anyway, hang in there Cole. Your blog and all the good people here help me keep in mind that there are many like minded souls all around.

  119. 119.

    workworkwork

    @Shana: I had a high school co-op job at a local corporation and they made us take a defensive driving course. (I don’t remember why. I was a lab assistant.)
    Anyway, the only lesson I remember from it was “assume everyone else on the road is trying to kill you.”

    Still serves me well, forty years on.

  120. 120.

    Mnemosyne

    @germy shoemangler:

    Somewhere in my collection of photos, I have pictures of a lion at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas doing the same thing on top of a transparent walkway through his enclosure.

    He was pretty clearly not neutered.

  121. 121.

    ruemara

    @Technocrat: it’s more of a “why did you hire the walking Dunning-Kruger Effect and why won’t you listen when we warn she will destroy the company?” situation. This is a ragequit to preserve sanity. I wish him the best, if he fully goes through with it.

  122. 122.

    Theodore Wirth

    Hang in there John Cole. You are doing the best that you can. Meanwhile, I am sucking on a pint of Smirnoff 100 because everything has gone to hell in a handbasket. You are a better man than me.

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