I’ve been under the radar (well, here) the past two days, because I have a lot of stuff going on and everything political moves so fast that by the time I get to a computer to write about it someone else already has. Not to mention, I think we will all survive without my hot takes on the Nazi Keebler elf perjuring himself in front of the Senate and the Scalise shooting, although I will note that Scalise is fond of speaking in front of groups whose raison d’etre is political violence.
Sooo, what all is going on (I know you are all just riveted to your screens now)? Yesterday I drove to my dentist and had my temporary crown replaced. It’s about an hour away and as I was driving down I called (I have hands free and voice activation so no bitching) my electrician to check in about an outlet that has not been working in my bedroom since I moved in. They had checked it before and there was no risk of fire or anything, and we had discussed fixing it this summer. I had been calling them for two weeks and got no response (yes I left messages), but I tried again anyway, they answered, and the guy told me “Oh hey, they are on their way out,” to which I responded “that’s awesome, I am not there.”
So I called dad, he went over, let them in and watched, and as I sat in a dentist chair I got periodic (every ten minutes) phone calls telling me how I was a slob, was doing something wrong, needed to do something, etc. On the upside, he did clean my kitchen.
On my way back home (it’s a 75 minute drive), dad called to tell me I need to take my trash out more often, and that he had taken it out for me and put it on the deck. That is not, in my book, taking out the trash, that is taking the trash and throwing it on the deck. I immediately told him that he can’t do that, Thurston will get into it, and he said “don’t worry, I put it up off the ground on your recycling bins.” We all know how this ends, right?
I found Thurston in the middle of that. I didn’t even yell at him, because he looked guilty and I knew it was a honey trap and not his fault, really. The upside is that I just got the bins the other day, so the trash that was thrown everywhere had not been sorted and cleaned, and the flowers hand not been composted, and now it is. Recycling around here isn’t mandated, so I am just doing this on my own. I still need a bin for paper products.
Moving along, I had just absorbed the information about the Scalise shooting this morning and was taking a shower when my crown fell out. And I mean that- it just fell out. There was no chewing motion or anything that precipitated it, it was just in place and suddenly it was not. So I called up the dentist, and she had me come down immediately to have it fixed. This time, I had myself numbed up and they used some super cement (yesterday I went without novocaine) and then ground it down so it was all smooth and what not. I am a grinder, and according to my dentist I can move my jaw in directions that 99% of people can’t, so she thinks I caught it at an odd angle in my sleep and loosened it. At any rate, I am back in tip top shape and she didn’t charge me anything.
It’s hot as hell here and humid to boot, and on the ride home I drove through a rain storm, and it was really weird watching my in car thermometer go from 89 degrees to 73 in a matter of minutes and then jack back up to 89 when I drove out of the store. I mean, I know this is how it works, but I never had witnessed it like that before.
I have decided that I want to take a course in floral design, and I don’t know how to go about it. Should I look at local universities? Should I do it online? My preferred way of going about it would be to talk to an independently run flower shop and tell the owner that I will work for free on weekends if they teach me, but who knows. Do any of you have any experience with this?
Watched the Worricker Trilogy on Amazon Prime the past few days, and am now engrossed in the Tunnel, which is just great and stars Stannis Baratheon. I have a hard time watching the news for any extended period because it just sends me into fits of rage. Today’s volcanic eruption from yours truly came when I heard reporters talking about how the Congressional Baseball game will continue on tomorrow, as if this was some great act of bravery and defiance against all odd. I may or may not have yelled “YOU FUCKING PUSSIES YOU KNOW WHO ELSE GOES ABOUT BUSINESS AS USUAL THE DAY AFTER A SHOOTING? EVERY FUCKING KID IN AMERICA WENT TO SCHOOL THE DAY AFTER NEWTOWN, AND WITHOUT 10,000 ARMED GUARDS LIKE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WILL HAVE. YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG PIECES OF SHIT, GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES.”
Ok. I did yell that. And the only reason I felt slightly bad was because it startled Lily, who is an angel. Thurston, man, fuck him.
khead
“Democrats should vote for the AHCA. Because that’s what Tip and Ronnie would’ve wanted if they had been shot on the baseball field.”
You can laugh, but it’s coming. In some version. I can’t believe Doug hasn’t tweeted it already.
khead
Guess my comment was saved before the previous deletion. Heh. This is the badass part I alluded to in the other thread.
I was worried that I was the only one who had this reaction earlier.
Trentrunner
RIP your inbox.
Omnes Omnibus
It’s Newtown. Just saying,
Mezz
Sorry about the crown, man. Genuinely shitty feeling when a thing falls out of a tooth; is it worse when you bite and out it goes, it or when you just feel the cement lose grip and **zop** it’s out? Opinions differ.
jl
thanks for update and petmesspic. I’ve been wondering how Cole’s pets have betrayed him recently.
Thurston is an enterprising dog who seizes opportunities. He will go far in his chosen line of endeavor, whatever it may be.
Set your sites high, Thurston!
Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (Formerly Mumphrey, et al.)
Yeah, but kids? Fuck ’em. If they aren’t smart enough to be born rich enough to have their own squad of armed police trailing them everywhere, why should we give a shit? They’re losers. I like winners. Winners like Steve Scalise, who gives talks to neo nazis. He’s a winner, and he’s going to help our Dear Leader win so bigly. So much winning. Newtown kids were losers. Fuck them.
Morzer
And people wonder where the next generation of looters and moochers is coming from!
eclare
@Mezz: I think it’s worse when you bite into food, but that’s me. One came out when I was eating tacos at a restaurant, and I remember thinking, please let that be a crown and not something in the “chicken”.
jl
After examining the trash, I have to say that measly strew of garbage is pretty slim pickings for hearty active dog like Thurston.
Cole really needs to put ou better and more filling garbage for his pets to dig into.
Doesn’t look like there was anything at all left in that package of meat for the poor dog.
Morzer
@jl:
Those tins in the picture look suspiciously neatly arranged. #fakenews
Keith P.
@khead: I must be jaded, because my reaction was, “Newtown ISD didn’t get the next day off?”
stinger
My local community college offers a degree in Floral Careers, which includes three courses in Floral Design — probably much more than you want. And their Saturday and evening/continuing ed/leisure ed department occasionally offers classes like that. Or, I like your idea of Will Work for Training. Good luck!
Kay
Betty Cracker posted the other day that something like 35,000 US kids have received school shooting trauma counseling after an incident. I suppose that includes the college students- the campus shootings.
Ladyraxterinok
Crown falling out happened to me. Came out some years later in massive investigation of the dentist that he often just put in what was available and fiddled with it until ìt’ ‘worked ‘! I would think this was impossible. I don’t like to remember this because the whole investigation was set off by his assistants who began to suspect that he was molesting some of his young female patients. My initial reaction was why wasn’t a parent in with them? All a big scandal. I heard from my new dentist that he was killed in ptison.
Gin & Tonic
Do you mean floral design like in ikebana, or floral design like in landscape architecture? My sister did the latter, taking courses at a university, before she started her own business. But she was already quite good at that stuff before she started.
debbie
Get a mouth guard.
Olivia
I am also a grinder. I have cracked both teeth and fillings while sleeping. About 30 years ago I got a splint to wear when I sleep. It saved my teeth and fillings and I highly recommend one if this is your problem.
About 12 years ago, it was discovered that I have sleep apnea. I couldn’t imagine sleeping with a machine with hoses attached to my head so I asked if I could get a dental appliance to solve the issue. Fortunately, it was a fantastic solution and an easy one for me having used a splint for so many years.
jl
@Morzer: Dayum. You’re on to something. Too bad we don’t hold good old fashioned blog scandals anymore. This one would have been big. Would take the heat off of Trump, maybe.
Edit: IIRC, not the first time Cole has framed, impeached and convicted, his pets for supposedly heinous high crimes and misdemeanors.
Charlie
He is not a Keebler elf, he is garden gnome
FlyingToaster
Check if there are any local estates that do this. Some years Gore Place or the Lyman Estate (both next door in Waltham) have classes — not this year because roadwork.
The other thing to check is if any nearby florists run classes. When I typed into google “floral design classes near me” I found two: one in Cambridge and one in Back Bay. Since you’re in West by God Virginia, you’ll likely have to go further afield.
khead
Immediately? I once waited 18 months after losing a crown during a Thanksgiving dinner before getting it fixed.
Aleta
Once I heard a lecture by a wolf researcher. What he said may be outdated now. (But at least he was studying them in the Arctic not in captivity, which was how some erroneous ideas about dominance originated, it’s said.)
Anyway, he said that after a kill, the wolves who are lower in the hierarchy wait to eat until the higher up ones have finished and moved away.
So I like to think that if the dog gets into the trash when no one is around, he’s actually politely obeying the proper pack rules of order. We’ve eaten, we’re moved off and left the carcass of the trash can to curl up and lick our fur in front of the TV. His turn.
Morzer
@jl:
I am still trying to work out just how a “honey trap” was set for Thurston using the garbage. Either that critter has some very peculiar fetishes, or Cole doesn’t know how to spell heffalump.
J R in WV
When I was a little kid, my Grandmother (Dad’s mom) was big into flower beds and flower arranging both. I think the Garden Club actually had regular meetings where “formal” flower arranging and planting beds was taught.
I see others have community colleges with such classes, as well. Even more formal! We’ve started buying cut flowers at Krogers and just fooling with them in a vase until it looks good. I remember going with my mom to garden club shows, where members brought in arrangements, which were judged, with blue ribbons, etc. Maybe even trophies, I don’t recall.
It was in the old Hotel Ballroom, which was actually a ballroom on occasion. Hardwood floor, bandstand, portable bar for depending upon which group was using the hall, some were dry, some were NOT. This was at least 50+ years ago. Maybe closer to 60….??
Mary G
Pinterest is full of flower design advice. My mom was a genius at it, but never took any classes.
randal sexton
I read this blog quite a bit – but am a barely articulate person, so rarely comment, but I skimmed this while caltrain-ing from SF to palo alto – and a couple parts stood out – ‘Nazi Keebler Elf’ which is now pretty much the sesh, and “I want to take a course in floral design”. These things somehow go together somehow sorta. kinda. like totally.
eemom
I like you, John Cole.
Omnes Omnibus
@eemom: Who are you and what have you done with eemom?
Morzer
@Omnes Omnibus:
Next up: the new, cheerful, reasonable matoko-chan redemption tour!
KS in MA
I bet you could ask a local florist to let you observe, or work for free, or some such thing. Seems way more interesting than taking a course.
eemom
@Omnes Omnibus:
You’re behind the times.
@Morzer:
You, as I recall, are just a pompous ass.
Morzer
@eemom:
I’ve missed you too, Pooky Bear.
mai naem mobile
Our Parks and Rec division of the city run Floral Design classes. They run other artsy crafty classes like jewelry making and ceramics. I know your town is small but maybe Pittsburgh. I don’t remember how far you live from Pittsburgh so I don’t know if it’s worth it.
cain
John – do you grind your teeth at night? I would get a night guard. My (ex) wife made one for me. I get all my dental work for free even now. She’s such a cool person. While I’m glad it ended, our relationship hasn’t so to speak, just morphed into something else.
CaseyL
Set your sights high John: study plant genetics and really design some flora.
Worst tooth thing that has happened to me so far: a few weeks after a tooth cracked and had to be pulled, I broke the one next to it while eating salad (!). Panicky tearful phone call to my dentist, “Please save this tooth oh please oh please I do not want to lose another one.” And she did! She had me come in right away, ground the tooth down enough to put in a temporary crown, and then installed the permanent one about a week later. My dentist ROCKS.
mai naem mobile
The Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Gardens in Pittsburgh has some pretty cool classes.
https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/ASP/main_enroll.asp?studioid=39170&tg=&vt=8&lvl=&stype=-8&view=day&trn=0&page=&catid=&prodid=&date=6%2f14%2f2017&classid=0&prodGroupId=&sSU=&optForwardingLink=&qParam=&justloggedin=&nLgIn=&pMode=0&loc=1
TriassicSands
John, for god’s sake read up on hands-free and voice-activation while driving. You can’ t really be that out of touch, can you?
Omnes Omnibus
@TriassicSands: What has he done wrong now?
debit
McDonald’s, John? I thought you only ate real food.
thalarctosMaritimus
“I have decided that I want to take a course in floral design, and I don’t know how to go about it. Should I look at local universities? Should I do it online? My preferred way of going about it would be to talk to an independently run flower shop and tell the owner that I will work for free on weekends if they teach me, but who knows. Do any of you have any experience with this?”
You may have some more specific knowledge about your county than I was able to find with a quick Google search, but this article (http://www.weirtondailytimes.com/news/community/2016/02/wvu-extension-opens-up-master-gardener-applications/) sounds as though the Hancock County West Virginia Extension office at (304) 564-3805 handles both counties’ Master Gardener programs.
I’d recommend calling them to ask if they know what options are available, and who might be good info sources that you could ask. Master Gardeners are good people, and they’ll probably be helpful.
Morzer
@debit:
It contains all the major food groups necessary for a real American diet: salt, sugar, fat, white flour.
Mnemosyne
@Ladyraxterinok:
My friend’s dentist went to prison for bank robbery. Apparently he got heavily into drugs and his dental practice wasn’t generating enough income to support it.
Not surprisingly, he wasn’t a very good dentist for the couple of years before he decided to try and rob a bank.
ETA: LA Times story in case it sounds too outlandish to be believed.
MoxieM
@FlyingToaster: Oh, Hi you must be local. I used to work in that biz (museums) around here. Yes, Gore Place (fat!) has some of the best. For Cole, I would suggest perhaps historical societies (often have garden tours for fundraisers, leading a curious person to local garden-obsessed folk); houses of local important (read: rich) folk that have been turned into museums–always needing to raise money, they may offer such things. Finally botanical gardens, either independent or at a local college or Uni; my sis did an all-but-finished graduate level program at the New York Botanical Garden. Not only is she a maniacal gardener (she distinguishes by whether you work with a shovel or a little itty bitty tool), she’s incredibly knowledgeable at a root level, ahem. No seriously. And it’s led to some really interesting environmental advocacy work, too.
debit
@Morzer: And some form of crack. When Ellie had pneumonia and wouldn’t eat anything and I was in a panic, I researched some pet blogs and they all agreed: plain McDonalds cheeseburgers. She had turned down all other foods (even canned food and other people food) but she inhaled the cheeseburgers.
Steve in the ATL
@Morzer: growing up in the South I was taught that the three major food groups are meat, flour, and grease. Hence the beauty of chicken fried steak, which combines all three.
Bennett
John, when you have a moment off from cleaning up after Thurston or shopping Craigslist for old wicker, will you please put your eloquent and loud, pushy voice to the task of whipping up West Virginians and everyone else into a telephone/email jihad on your Sen. Shelley Capito? She is wavering on AHCA & may well turn into the votes that kills it. But her phones have to be jammed that she feels & hears & smells the tidal wave. You are in a position to help make that happen. Will you do it? Here on BJ or anywhere—now and in the next two weeks? Forget the clouds. You know how to speak well. Yell at her and yell at everyone else to yell at her. Please? Respectfully….
cain
@debit:
I know! Right?! Jeezus…
Amir Khalid
@Morzer:
Oh yeah. Then we can all get re-acquainted with the word “maftoon”, whatever it may mean.
Omnes Omnibus
@Bennett: This site has done a shit load of that. Back off Cole personally with that.
Morzer
@Amir Khalid:
I always assumed it was a type of cookie or biscuit dunkable in coffee.
Mike S
I hope you’re watching Downward Dog. The episode last night was about trash dog and why he loves trash so much.
Lahke
My crown came out on Memorial Day weekend while eating salt water taffy (I know, people with crowns have no business eating taffy), and I stuck it back in with the temp filling material they sell in the drugstore. I did such a good job that the dentist can’t get it off again to do it right. Maybe I need to eat some more taffy.
Morzer
@Mike S:
Y’know a TV show based on Cole’s naked mopping and Thurston’s yoga routine really could be a winner,. Call it… Pear and Balanced, maybe.
Mike S
@Morzer:
He sometimes does read more like a sitcom script than a real person. They’d need a physical comedian to get his self inflicted injuries right though.
Elizabelle
I love your essays.
artem1s
“YOU FUCKING PUSSIES YOU KNOW WHO ELSE GOES ABOUT BUSINESS AS USUAL THE DAY AFTER A SHOOTING? EVERY FUCKING KID IN AMERICA WENT TO SCHOOL THE DAY AFTER NEWTOWN, AND WITHOUT 10,000 ARMED GUARDS LIKE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WILL HAVE. YOU FUCKING SCUMBAG PIECES OF SHIT, GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES.”
workworkwork
@Morzer: I’ve always liked the food groups described by Terry Pratchett: sugar, starch, grease and burnt, crunchy bits.
Doug!
@khead:
Who writes it, Josh Kraushaar or Matthew Dowd?
Doug!
@khead:
Could post-shooting bipartisan spirit revive hopes for Bowles-Simpson?