Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

Giving up is unforgivable. ~Joe Biden

Dear media: perhaps we ought to let Donald Trump speak for himself!

You can’t love your country only when you win.

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

I’m starting to think Jesus may have made a mistake saving people with no questions asked.

The republican caucus is covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

“When somebody takes the time to draw up a playbook, they’re gonna use it.”

This fight is for everything.

Relentless negativity is not a sign that you are more realistic.

The party of Reagan has become the party of Putin.

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

Conservatism: there are people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

Dear Washington Post, you are the darkness now.

Maybe you would prefer that we take Joelle’s side in ALL CAPS?

Washington Post’s Catch and Kill, not noticeably better than the Enquirer’s.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

Quote tweet friends, screenshot enemies.

“That’s what the insurrection act is for!”

This really is a full service blog.

We won’t go back.

If you voted for Trump, you don’t get to speak about ethics, morals, or rule of law.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / My First Personal Covid Disaster

My First Personal Covid Disaster

by | 130 Comments

This post is in: , ,

So, it had been a couple weeks since I last gave myself a haircut, and it was getting long, so I got in front of the sink, plugged the clippers in, and went at it. One problem. I had forgotten that I had left the shortest attachment on it the other day. I had it on because I had planned to shave Steve, but I could never find him. Since I never found him, I never put the other attachment back on.

Even with my glasses off I knew I had fucked up because large clumps of hair fell in front of my face and I could see a strip down the center of my head. I tried to fix it, but because I have surgically replaced shoulders I can not reach my entire head. So now I look like a cancer patient with a mostly shaved head and select clumps of unreachable hair.

My First Personal Covid Disaster

How is your Saturday night going.

Reader Interactions

130Comments

  4. 4.

    Mary G

    OMG I’M LAUGHING SO HARD! Thanks, John. I was dreading this post after seeing its title. The relief makes it even funnier. Good thing you can stay home while it grows back.

  8. 8.

    JeanneT

    Ah!  I’m sitting here giggling – but I gave myself a haircut yesterday, so I shouldn’t.  Not my best look ever, so I really can empathize, John!

  9. 9.

    crosspalms

    My wife gave me a haircut the other day with the beard-trimmer attachment on my shaver. No blood, no tears, looks pretty good, first haircut she’s ever given me in almost 30 years together. Luckily, I was mostly bald (but getting scraggly) before she did it. No way I could do the same for her! I wish I could but I’d need a) skills and b) the tools. No got. We’re all going to be an interesting looking bunch when we get out of this …

  10. 10.

    laura

    So you look like the late John Prine and my spouse in the pate- and I’m planning and end of career/retirement Mohawk and then let my hair be what it will be. If I could shave it right now, I’d do it faster than a fart. But theres a really good reason you shouldn’t cut your own hair….

  11. 11.

    Gin & Tonic

    Which is why I’m not going to touch my hair with anything sharp until I can go back to a licensed professional.

  12. 12.

    cmorenc

    This is exactly why:

    1. I won’t cut my own hair
    2. I long ago found a hair stylist who does it exactly right to my tastes, but his business is closed for the duration of the shutdown.
    3. Ergo, I’m letting my hair grow long – he did a good job when last I had it cut in mid-February, and it’s growing out more or less gracefully, despite being two-three weeks past my COV-19 cancelled appointment.  We tentatively rescheduled for May 1, but obviously that’s going to be off, too, so I’m going to be a hippie until some time at least into mid-summer it appears, and that’s fine with me.
  15. 15.

    cmorenc

    @Gin & Tonic:

    Which is why I’m not going to touch my hair with anything sharp until I can go back to a licensed professional.

    Well, Kim Jong-Un is head of an entire country, and he cuts his own hair, and his subjects absolutely love him.  If it’s good enough for Kim, why isn’t it good enough for you?

  17. 17.

    HRA

    I am glad it was not what I thought it may be as I read your intro. It quickly switched to my first and much needed good laugh in many days.

    Stay safe John!

  19. 19.

    Enzymer

    Excellent job at minimizing the maintenance. Now get one of your parents to cross the alley & trim up the rest. You could go for having top & sides short & ponytail in back? Could be a good low maintenance look, no?

  22. 22.

    mad citizen

    @Gin & Tonic: I have no hair up there and agree the man bun is atrocious, but does it surpass the mullet?  Thankfully it’s not as popular at least in the world I’m in.  There was a young guy at industry meetings with the man bun, and we of course referred to him as “man bun”.

    From the previous thread, I had no idea exactly how old Neil Young’s pump organ was–the 1885 Etsey made in Brattleboro Vermont: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OARf_NrM_vE.  It does have a magnificent sound.

  23. 23.

    Jackie

    Thank you, John, for the liquids spewing from my nose all over my keyboard and monitor!!!♥️?

  26. 26.

    Mike S

    I realized today that my hairstyle looks like Shaun Cassidy circa The Hardy Boys. I can live with that.

  27. 27.

    E

    GET A FLOBEE !!!! Seriously. Got one in 1990 and have not used anything on my hair since. Literally a perfect hair cut every time. People always goof on it, but I will go to my grave asserting it is one of the finest inventions ever developed by man.

  29. 29.

    frosty

    Not cutting my hair, not buying clippers, don’t care if I end up with the “hair melted off my head and ran down my back” ponytail.

    I’ll probably shave the beard in a couple of days. I trim it by dry shaving it and it’s staring to look weird  – too many bare spots.

  30. 30.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @cmorenc: I second this wholeheartedly.  I haven’t arranged a tentative time to get my hair cut, but fuck if I am going to do it on my own.

    OTOH, my brother let my nephew cut his hair today.  Took a clippers to it and buzzed him.  It doesn’t look any worse in photos than usual one he pays for.

  31. 31.

    zhena gogolia

    Just finished Phantom of the Opera and now to bed. Fantastic singing. Love the music. Totally ridiculous show! I’m still amazed that it has been a long-running hit on Broadway. I don’t get it. Usually kitsch that I like has no popular appeal.

  36. 36.

    Juice Box

    My husband is convinced he’s going to cut his own. He has a clipper on order.

    We’ve had poodles for nearly twenty years and I’ve cut a lot of hair. I have shears, clippers, brand new clipper combs and I’ll go to Petco to buy him his very own blade, but no, he’s a rugged man who’s going to go it alone. I can’t wait to see the results.

  38. 38.

    trollhattan

    People have paid big bucks for just that sort of look. Trust me.*

    *Nobody trusts me and I would not start now.

    Hair grows, right up until it no longer does. Know hope. And don’t scare the animals.

  40. 40.

    danielx

    Steve, of course, is no doubt laughing his ass off and thinking “now you know how I feel about you doing that shit to me“.

    Seriously, if that’s the worst that happens…just wear an Eers ball cap and nobody will notice a thing. It works for me, aside from not having an Eers hat. I’m just letting it grow and avoiding mirrors a lot.

  45. 45.

    Anne Laurie

    Now you know why trucker / baseball / gimme* caps are so popular, Cole.

    *I learned the phrase ‘gimme cap’ some 40 years ago, in Michigan — was told it came from guys test-driving farm / lawn / boating equipment, and saying I’ll think about your model, but meanwhile, gimme a (promotional) cap. Since the primary non-hair-involved reason for these caps now seems to be advertising retrograde political philosophy, well… Imagine greeting your MAGA-hat wearing neighbor by saying Nice gimme cap ya got there, buddy!

  48. 48.

    CaseyL

    Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. As the hair grows out, it’ll be longer in the back since you couldn’t reach that, and what you’ll be sporting is a sort-of hippie shag. Happily, that doesn’t get the kind of scorn mullets do.

    My hair and I long ago agreed to a mutual non-aggression pact. I don’t try to cut it or style it at all, just comb it out with a pick now and then, and in return it doesn’t turn into a big ol’ frizz poof.

    I completely missed the One World In Our PJs concert. I think most of the sets will be uploaded to YouTube. I’d like to see the Stones. Not only was I a complete Stones fanatic back in the day, I see on Twitter that Charlie played air drums the whole time, and that would be hilarious to watch.

  53. 53.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    I was going to be due about now for a hair trim, but obviously that’s not happening. No way I’m going to try to do anything on my own. If I don’t feel safe going for a haircut for the next 6 months, and I doubt I will, then I guess it’s going to be ponytail time.

    I’ve gotten used to also letting the hair people trim my beard, and not bothering much with it otherwise. About the time I’m due for a haircut, my beard is approaching the Jeremiah Johnson / Civil War General stage, so I have them trim it all way back till the next time. I decided it’s time to be a big boy and trim my own beard like the other kids, and bought a clipper for that.

    I’m more concerned about eye and dental appointments. I have some issues in both departments, and my ophthalmologist has a very elderly patient population. She’s also a hard-core right-winger unfortunately. I hope that doesn’t influence her safety procedures, but who knows?

  54. 54.

    tomtofa

    I did the same thing back when I was self-trimming with clippers. Didn’t notice I had no attachment rather than the longest one, and did a swath right down the middle. Now I’m married and my wife clips me with scissors. Though she says it’s too far gone now after 6 weeks of sheltering . . .

  55. 55.

    SWMBO

    @danielx: Bwhahaha.  There was an ad for “personal clippers” showing someone shaving a barnyard animal. Showed it to the Spousal Unit and he said, “ya gotta be careful.”

  57. 57.

    cain

    @schrodingers_cat:

    I’m working on the man bun! :-) I’m also going to put in some extra money for the haircut place I go to. They are really awesome and take care of their workers.

    Of course that means at some time I’m going to have to cut my own hair :P

  58. 58.

    Kdaug

    Done a similar thing. Got a fairly good cut (5 on the top, 3 on the sides, properly  chosen angled ear guards). Took the guard off to trim up the sideburns and neck, and then got in the shower to rinse off the of bits of hair. Got back to the mirror, noticed a bit of a tuff on the top of my head, and proceeded  to remedy the situation.

    Notice the missing step?

    Full-on inversed mohawk. Kojak stripe right down the middle. And I noticed the same way you did – I was looking down, in the sink, and thought “that’s an unusual amount of hair falling of a minor clean up.”

    No going back. No other choice. I shaved the whole thing. Took a few months to get back to “normal”.

  59. 59.

    mvr

    @CaseyL: Had tickets for this tour. Postponed at best. i just hope they all survive this pandemic. I don’t need to go if that helps.

  65. 65.

    Jinchi

    This is the best time to make screwups like that John. You’ll be looking like a hippy again when quarantine is over.

  67. 67.

    Benw

    Rad! Just tell everyone you’re going for a hardcore punk look :)

    I tried clipping my hair tonight and Mrs Benw just laughed at me. Oh well the only people who are going to see it are the people I’m battling for the last roll of TP at the store so it doesn’t matter!

  71. 71.

    joel hanes

     

    Those that have the money can perform a mitzvah by writing a check for the cost of a haircut, or maybe two haircuts, and sending it to the business that usually cuts your hair.

    I’m not one for mani/pedi, but I know Cole is;  I imagine those people are hurting too.

  74. 74.

    CaseyL

    @Mary G: Uh huh. What about the rest of the drumset?  “Man does not live by high hat alone”… or something like that.

    (He may well have used other available surfaces.  Obviously I’ll have to watch to know!)

  79. 79.

    smedley the uncertain

    @Gin & Tonic: …and mine.  and I’m older than you. I used to think the mullet was weird.  But then, now I have a pony tail at 80+ years.

  83. 83.

    Patricia Kayden

    The one time my Dad allowed my Mom to cut his hair, he ended up wearing a hat for weeks. Perhaps you have some, John.

  84. 84.

    Chetan Murthy

    John, you’re not alone.  For a few years now, I’ve had a permanent *knot* in my pony-tail, from swimming.  B/c I bunch up my (remaining) (long) hair and stuff it under the cap, so it knots up.  Every now and then, I’d just cut off a good bit of the knot, but it never came un-kinked, and I never had the energy to do it manually.  Well, since I’m “in the house” for the last 2mos and the next N months, I decided to just cut the damn knot off.

     

    Looks funny, with the back short and the sides long (and of course, nothing on top).  But hey, not gonna exactly be meeting other people ….

  86. 86.

    Jinchi

    My boys hair is starting to reach their shoulders. I kind of like it, but their mother is getting itchy fingers and threatening to try cutting it herself, soon. So they’ll either end quarantine looking like extras from the 1973 cast of Jesus Christ Superstar or a couple of draftees just out of boot camp.

  88. 88.

    CaseyL

    @Patricia Kayden:  Since John isn’t going to be socially butterflying his way around Bethany for the next few weeks, I’m not sure how much he needs to worry.

    Also, he is far from the only person who’s had an Unfortunate Series of Events in Home Hairstyling, judging from the other comments here, and comments on social media.  They should really all get together and post photos: solidarity in misfortune.

  89. 89.

    Mai naem mobile

    You don’t start a COVID post with a negative unless it’s a life or death thing John. Apart from that, well, my Saturday is going at least a little better than yours since I didn’t decide to become my own hair stylist today. You should have gotten Steve to do your hair.

  90. 90.

    randal m sexton

    So actually, this is a pretty good reason to pay attention to this blog.  Many other reasons as well.

  91. 91.

    ThresherK

    Around the ears I have a lot of fluff, which threatens to creep down into muttonchop territory if I don’t shave enough.

    Up top there’s a brooding, old-school tousledness, not like any hippie or steampunk thing, but more like a portrait of Beethoven.

    Contrarily, my wife looks great with longish, and outright long, hair. She has scrunchies, clips, and headbands, and they all favor her.

  93. 93.

    Ninedragonspot

    Slightly similar dilemma: learn to tune my own piano – or wait until SF declares piano tuning an “essential service”?  Schumann is turning increasingly sour.

  98. 98.

    Doc Sardonic

    I am headed to the Cousin It zone. My hair is currently chest length, so who knows how long it is going to get……but who cares at this point, I damn sure am not going to attempt to trim it.

  100. 100.

    Fair Economist

    I learned to cut men’s hair by length in college. Measure by fingerwidths, grab what’s beyond with your other hand, cut off with scissors. I do longer on top than on sides and back and blending is a little tricky but not all that much. (I hold my hand vertically, using the shorter part at the bottom to know how far out to hold it, tilt it out a bit and cut off what’s outside.

    Not the height of fashion, but it looks OK and is disaster-resistant compared to clippers. Just cut my husband’s hair and he thinks it’s pretty good.

  101. 101.

    Scott Alloway

    Son, you still have more hair than I had at 25.  I’m now 70 (this week). Yours will grow back. I haven’t had a haircut in 19 years. My beard, however, flows full since 1972. Much love to you and all you do.

  105. 105.

    LesGS

    I… don’t use the same clipper that I use on my cat’s ass for my or my husband’s head…

  106. 106.

    LeftCoastYankee

    You ignored rule 1 of self-haircuts:  there are no mistakes, just opportunities for reduced cranial insulation.

    Seriously, why stop?  Buzz-cut is terrible, but better than zombie mange.

  109. 109.

    petesh

    Been there, done that, on my beard. One square inch down to stubble. It all grew back!

  110. 110.

    Ruckus

    Pffffffft.

    I cut my hair every week. Of course I’m rather bald on the top and just buzz the rest of it short.

    Accept your lot in life, be what you can, do what you can, realize that few of us ever set the world on fire, figuratively. Life is too short to worry about a lack of hair. Besides as you age it grows in places it never used to do and you get to worry and be annoyed about that.

  112. 112.

    Ruckus

    @Scott Alloway:

    Have a cousin like that. I HAD hair below my shoulders and a really full beard after I got out of the navy. Cousin didn’t have any of that, but he also didn’t lose any more hair and I’m bald on top now. If life was fair…..

  113. 113.

    Amir Khalid

    @John Revolta:

    If you’re learning how to do it, like ninedragonspot, you probably do need a strobe. Plus, I’d be willing to bet that a lot of pianos tuned by ear are measurably out of tune when checked by a strobe.

  114. 114.

    opiejeanne

    @Mary G: Why is it that the girls in the Bourne movies can just whack away at their hair and it comes out really cute on them?

  117. 117.

    John Revolta

    @Amir Khalid: Well, now we’re talking about tempering…………..you probably know this, but a piano that’s perfectly in tune in one key will sound “out” when you play in other keys, so you gotta stretch some octaves and fudge some intervals to make it sound right all up and down the keyboard. Hence the “Well-Tempered” piano! You used to have to apprentice for years to learn how to do it. Electric tuners have made it easier but it still takes technique.

  121. 121.

    Amir Khalid

    @John Revolta:

    Ah, guitars with microtonal frets. I’ve seen quite a few of them on the YouTubes, actually, but only in demonstrations; I’ve never seen a video where one was used in a performance.  Never met one in person, either.

  122. 122.

    John Revolta

    @Amir Khalid: I only just found out about these recently…….but I think it’s very interesting how our ears sort of compensate for the shortcomings of the guitar neck. You get used to it…………then again it may be that we compensate with our fingers somewhat as well, unconsciously!

  124. 124.

    Bo

    John, you could always do what I did (and I think has been mentioned above):   Grow a ponytail.

    I used to sport a #3 buzzcut because it was cooler (temp-wise, not hip-wise) and much lower maintenance (only a drop of shampoo and wave a towel at it when I got out of the shower).

    That all ended about three (four?) years ago when this exchange occurred when I was attempting to grow a full beard –

    Younger Coworkers:  “When are you gonna shave that shit off?”

    Me:  “Not. In fact, I’m thinking about growing my hair out and putting it in a ponytail.”

    Coworkers:  “You’re too old to grow a ponytail!”

    The full beard is gone (I still have a goatee) but I now have hair below my shoulders.  Yes, it’s a pain-in-the-ass, it’s hot, and it adds to my morning routine but the sheer enjoyment I get out of knowing that a 55-year old man having a ponytail irritates hell out of my younger coworkers is priceless.

    ;>)

  125. 125.

    AnnaN

    I love to cut hair and I am in no way qualified.  I would have PPEed up and gone at you with the dog razor if I was in the neighborhood.  :)

    (Shelter-in-place has left me with Manic Panic Vampire Red Hair).

  126. 126.

    Another Scott

    @John Revolta: Once before one of our high school musicals in the late ’70s a cast member had her nearly blind father come in to tune the piano.  It was fascinating to see and hear him work.  He was a magician, and the beat up old piano sounded perfect when he was done.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  127. 127.

    Chris Johnson

    @Amir Khalid: More relevantly, if you screw up and a string snaps it can take parts of your body off. Piano tuning is NOT for amateurs. Many many tons of string tension on those things.

    I think you could tune a Rhodes safely at home, but that doesn’t make it easy: there, the danger is you break a tine and then so much for that note.

    I’m stickin’ to my guitars ;)

  130. 130.

    LongHairedWeirdo

    On the plus side, you won’t have nearly as many people see you as you would in other circumstances.

    On the minus side… um. Well, you can cover the mirrors.

    (Just kidding, seriously, and I do sympathize.)

Comments are closed.