I was back in NYC the first week of May because it was time to say a formal goodbye. My mother passed away on April 25th, probably around 5 am PST. I seem to only get to return to the city after some major change and, in a small personal way, this was as big as returning after 9/11. Just like that time, things are now permanently different than my memories.
We all start from somewhere and someone. For me that’s NYC and my mother. Granted, there was a brief stop in Jamaica but let’s go with what we can remember, shall we? Leaving NYC was a grand adventure for me, but I had no idea that it was going to be this long or that each time I returned, time kept changing the city and the woman. As discomfiting as change is, it also reveals. We grow more into ourselves as we age and some of the aura of infallible authority parents have drops as they age. NYC, with all it’s grimy magic, became more vulnerable in my eyes after 9/11 and much the same, when I returned in 2012, I realized my parents had somehow grown old too.
The NYC that is gone has revealed a NYC that is more crowded, even more split between the haves & have-nots but still teeming with energy and a diverse population that makes me proud and soothes. My mother that is gone revealed that she had a nickname to her friends and my stepfather; she was an active, busy beaver of a street minister and she even had plans of traveling next year to minister in South America. She had a large group of friends who are reeling from her loss, sisters that loved her and that she looked out for, mothering all of them in her own way. She adopted women as bonus daughters and my brothers’ friends knew her as a second mother as well. Which infuses me with pride and joy. The personhood we leave behind reveals our lives because death drops every barrier. It’s a good end when people mourn you.
My mother left me once as a toddler, to come to America and build a future for us both after she became a widower. She found my stepfather, bore 2 sons, had a long secretarial career and a retirement where she got to serve her faith. This time she’s left me in a different way. We get to see each other either again either as the flashing memories of my dying spark or when the spark of my spirit joins the fire that animates life. I don’t know which one it is. That’s the last mystery to uncover.
The loss of a parent brings a finality to your childhood that even growing your first set of greys doesn’t. Parents are permanent, right? Not so fast, says time. It’s not just the transition from care receiver to caregiver. It’s not explaining their cellphones and time zone differentials to them. You’re still their kid, even with your fancy expertise. Saying that last goodbye, though. That’s it. That’s when you aren’t a child any more. You are now changed into an actual adult. Not because of power, experience or your own money. Just that sense of loss of where you came from. That home is now just a memory because that parental presence is gone. Adulthood is where you have to be your own reassuring presence. I worry about my stepfather, who misses his best friend and partner of 50 years. I worry about my brothers who’ve never lived without their mom. Luckily, all the relationships my mother had have bound together to carry them. Church family reach out to them and pray with them, our blood & found family visit, our tenant drops off homecooked food. On top of that we also have each other. Like NYC, though, we are all changed. Hopefully, we will all live as mom lived, faithful, enjoying her Marvel movies and happily working to make the world a better world. After all, it’s not so bad to go if you leave them wanting more.
Open thread & obligatory cat pic.
Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)
Condolences for your mom, ruemara. She sounds like an amazing person who touched many people’s lives
HinTN
Yes, just yes. Congratulations for your strength and clarity, blessings for you and your family, and sorrow for your loss.
Sister Golden Bear
Condolences to you, your family and all those who knew your mother.
Hugs, if hugs are OK.
Zelma
A beautiful tribute to an amazing woman who raised a fine daughter. She must have been so proud. Did you get your beautiful way with words from her? My condolences. I lost my mom almost 39 years ago and I still think of her every day. She lives in the lives she touched.
Gitana
Thank you for this reflection on passages and crossings. You and your mom, both in motion, time too as well as all the images (except for the cat who is not having any of it). Such a beautiful meditation on enduring connection despite impermanence. Peace to you and your family.
?BillinGlendaleCA
Condolences on the passing of your mom.
Anne Laurie
Condolences, RueMara — this is a beautiful tribute to the woman (and the city) you remember.
P.S. I’m sorry about (temporarily) bigfooting — I swear your post didn’t show up on my dashboard until after I hit ‘publish’…
(Note to readers: I moved my post down ‘earlier’, which seemed more appropriate than rescheduling for later.)
Mary G
Deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. Mine has been gone ten years and I still catch myself looking forward to telling her what the crazy neighbors did today.
ruemara
I feel kinda bad about the bigfooting, but I too swear I didn’t see any other posts.
Felanius Kootea
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Wyatt Salamanca
Ruemara,
My condolences for the loss of your mother and thanks for this beautiful, eloquent, and deeply moving post.
The two most depressing days of my life were the the funeral services for my parents and I think of them often.
ruemara
@Wyatt Salamanca:
It was very surreal to spend mother’s day at my mother’s fresh grave when 2 weeks prior I was wondering if I was going to send sugar-free treats or flowers.
Lyrebird
There is probably some kind of emoji for flowers on here, but I haven’t figured it out.
Thank you for this beautiful tribute, and may you receive much comfort in this painful time.
lol chikinburd
Condolences. I believe you’ve done right by her.
jnfr
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Steeplejack
Aw, forget it.
Steeplejack
Ruemara, deep condolences to you and your family on the death of your mother. ?
Steeplejack
@Lyrebird:
Flowers for ruemara: ?.
eddie blake
sorry for your loss. it’s very hard to put your parents in the ground
i’m still reeling from the death of my father and it’s been two years.
Another Scott
A beautiful remembrance. Thank you for sharing this with us. Condolences to you and to everyone who knew her.
Best wishes,
Scott.
FelonyGovt
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother, Ruemara.
And as another former New Yorker-now-Californian, NYC always seems a little strange, and a lot changed, to me when I return.
Jay
I am so sorry for your loss, Ruemera
Ms. Deranged in AZ
Lovely tribute. Thank you for sharing it with us. And condolences on your loss.
Ukai
Condolences on your loss, ruemara.
My parents are getting old themselves, and I’ll soon be heading back to Brooklyn to help them pack the house that they’ve lived in for over 30 years in preparation of their move to Texas. While I’m thankful that we’ve all survived the pandemic and that I’ll get to see them for the first time since winter 2019, and that my job allows me the flexibility to work remotely for a month or two, once they move I’ll lose a large part of my connection to New York. I’m sure there will be much sentimentality when I leave that house for the final time, though it won’t be as much as when it’s my parents’ time to go.
(Said sentimentality won’t apply to LaGuardia Airport, however. That place is an armpit, it has always been an armpit, and it will always be an armpit, no matter how many renovations occur. It’s to JFK what the NY Post is to the Daily News; the former’s existence embellishes the latter’s by comparison.)
ruemara
@Ukai: Gonna push back and say it was actually very nice. Surprisingly.
Fair Economist
Condolences on your mother. You seem to have found a sweet way to remember and honor her.
Kent
My wife is kind of going through the same thing.
Her parents are declining rapidly. Dad is getting dementia and mom is increasingly fragile and suffering from arthritis and osteoporosis so falling and breaking bones. They are both in their late 80s.
What makes it complicated is that my wife in Chilean and her parents live in Chile. She just took a month of personal leave to fly down to Chile. Except with Covid, Chile is now on lockdown and quarantine and even though my wife got the Pfizer in Dec and Jan she has to go through 5-day quarantine before she can even see her parents. They commandeered various hotels in Santiago to use as traveler quarantines and she is locked into the Holiday Inn Express in Las Condes, Santiago until Thursday watching Netflix and eating room service which she has to pay for. Armed military police are there to make sure no one escapes quarantine. At least the quarantine hotel is nice. This is it:
https://goo.gl/maps/EmsArWXzpYE3sCiV6
Meanwhile, while she is locked up, dad is fading fast and mom is laid up with broken ribs from her latest fall and they refuse to accommodate the nurse that my wife hired and sent to take care of them. So they are getting buy with their elderly maid I guess
She will be missing our daughter’s HS graduation and isn’t sure when she’ll be back. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ruckus
ruemara
Sorry about your mom. You really are right about becoming an adult with this loss, no matter your age.
For me it was more my dad, but only just and mom was a big deal as well. It’s a strange feeling to be the top of the heap of all the cousins in the extended family but with all of the previous adults gone it’s up to us to take that lead and be what life leaves us.
J R in WV
Condolences for your loss, but glad you could be there with your family to support one another.
Take care, stay safe, and keep in touch with your people in New York.
opiejeanne
Ruemara, my sincere condolence on the loss of your mom. Your words are wonderfully expressive of the joy as well as the deep sense of loss of both her and your city.
My mom left us in 2003, and I still catch myself wanting to call her up and tell her something funny, but that is rare now. Recently I have realized that she had a sly sense of humor that I didn’t recognize at the time, when a memory bubbles up. I try to remember to tell my kids and nieces these funny little stories, so that they can laugh and remember when I’m gone.
Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant)
Ruemara, I’m so sorry for your loss. Dad’s been gone a little over four years now; Mom and I spend hours talking about him, his sense of humor a pathway to spend more time laughing than crying. Still hurts that he’s gone through.
As a fellow NYC expat (Queens represent!), I alone among my family have never been back since leaving in early 1973. Perhaps I will yet get a chance to come full circle and return to where I began. Thank you for sharing this.
Amir Khalid
A beautiful tribute to your mother.
Odie Hugh Manatee
Beautiful writing about a beautiful person and the beautiful people her life touched.
My deepest condolences, ruemara.
Kathleen
My deepest condolences, ruemara. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt and elegant tribute.
prostratedragon
My condolences, ruemara, and thank you for sharing the loveliness.
sab
My deepest condolences, Ruemara.
Losing parents suddenly and losing parents after along serious decline are very different experiences, with totally different mourning.
Shock and sorrow v. relief and sorrow.
Rusty
This a beautiful remembrance of your mother and New York City. People and places exist together. My condolences and prayers for you, your extended family and all the people your mother so meaningfully touched. May you find grace as you move through this difficult time.
Debbie(Aussie)
That was truly beautiful. Rumera, I am so sorry for your loss, you have my deepest condolences.
what you written here is a testament to your mother and to you. Thank you for sharing your love for your Mum. She sounds like a really amazing woman. May the memories bring you joy to soothe the sadness.
WereBear
My condolences, Ruemara. It was wonderful you shared in her life, well-lived.
OzarkHillbilly
I don’t care how old you are, becoming an orphan sucks.
Sorry for your loss, ruemara.
AJ
So sorry for your loss.
Thank you for letting us glimpse a few small fragments of her life and impact.
Sending good energy your way.
satby
For a few minutes, I met your mom in your words and felt honored to know her even that wee bit. Deepest condolences to you and all who knew her; her memory is already a blessing.
Cermet
So very sorry for that loss; I too understand having loss both my as well – as we grow older this is a part of life we know will occur but until it does, there is no real way to understand the deep impact. Again, sorry for that loss.
As a note to all – life is dangerous and such events can occur at any time to anyone we love or know. So treat everyone you value with this understanding – your life will be the better regardless.
Mel
My heart goes out to you, Ruemara. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like one of those rare and precious people who, as my grandmother used to say, “takes the hard edges off of the world” for everyone lucky enough to know her.
If it is any small comfort during such a terrible loss, she is still in a way with you every day – she is present in the kindness and strength and humor that are so evident in you, and her spark is alive in every loving memory that your family holds of her, and in every remembered kindness that she did for all the many people she knew and loved through her friendships, her community, and her ministry.
grandmaBear
This was a lovely tribute to your mother, a fine and good person. May she live always in your memory.
Aimai
Ruemara, thank you for this wonderful, clear eyed, meditation on loss. A beautiful, delicate, blessing on your mother’s memory. I will come back to it again and again. It speaks to us all so profoundly because you have spoken for us all while simply telling your mother’s truth. I am so sorry for your loss.
debbie
I was orphaned at 50, and despite my difficult relationship with my mother, it still felt wrong. We have, however, come to an understanding since then. I don’t blame her for anything (I never did, but try and tell her that), and now we both know that.
Ruemara, I am sorry for your loss.
Laura Too
What a beautiful testament to her life, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing a little part of her with us, she sounds like an amazing woman.
randy khan
I am so sorry. As you say, the death of a parent is a profound change – one of the few people you’ve known your whole life is now gone.
O. Felix Culpa
Beautiful. Thank you.
PST
My condolences also. Your writing made your mother vivid. Mine died two years ago at age 89. It is always hard, but her final illness was certainly easier for her and the family because it came before the pandemic.
WaterGirl
Such a beautiful, wise and loving tribute. I am so sorry you lost your mom, rue, and it sounds like it was sudden. That’s hard in its own way. love and hugs
MazeDancer
Many, many condolences on the loss of your mom.
Thank you for sharing her with us.
H.E.Wolf
Deepest sympathies, and thank you for the eloquent and reflective essay. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
Denali
Thank you for sharing your memories, Ruemara. Losing a parent is indeed a passage in life, and your beautful tribute comforted many of us. You will always have your memories of your wonderful mother. Be kind to yourself as you grieve.
TaMara (HFG)
After my dad’s health scare last summer and my mom’s quickly declining health, I have had these thoughts. I am one of the few of my friends whose parents are still with me. And I imagine a day when that will not be true…and how dramatically that will change my worldview.
Deepest condolences on the loss of your mother. She sounds like a wonderful woman I would have loved to have met. [[[hugs]]]
Miss Bianca
Condolences, ruemara. Sounds like your mother was a truly beautiful soul.
Elizabelle
What a wonderful mom. She lived a really full life, and raised a highly independent daughter. That says a lot. My condolences, because it sounds like your mom left you all sooner than you had anticipated. That makes it extra hard.
Anyway, I can promise, you will not ever have a day when you don’t think of your mother, at least once or twice. May that bring you comfort.
Elizabelle
PS: It’s always a good time to bigfoot on Ted Cruz.
Also: very good photographs.
TheflipPsyD
My condolences to you for your loss of your mother. She sounds like a wonderful person and mother. I hope your memories provide you strength and comfort.
But I also want to thank you for your beautiful words and wisdom. I lost my mom in April 2020 and have struggled in a different way than after losing my father in 2008. You captured it so beautifully — that the loss of a parent is the final end to one’s childhood. Reading your words brought me such comfort and I just wanted you to know how sincerely thankful I am for you sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Betty Cracker
I love that. It feels true. Condolences on the loss of your mom.