When @fakedansavage started a sex & love advice column, he thought it would last 6 months to a year. It’s been 30 years. Had the pleasure of speaking with him recently:https://t.co/3NmUjLx6Eg
— Lisa Bonos (@lisabonos) September 8, 2021
… It was going to be a joke, Savage said in a recent interview. “I was going to give sex advice to straight people with the same contempt that straight people had occasionally given sex advice to gay people,” Savage says. He thought he’d have the job for six months to a year.
Thirty years later, the column is still going strong, running in newspapers all over the world — plus he hosts a podcast and has written several books. Savage has become a cultural force in the world of LGBT rights, sex, love and relationships. He has coined new words and ideas for how to be intimate and adventurous, and how to redefine commitment as relationships evolve. The Post spoke to him about this accidental career he loves…
Q: A lot has changed in the world of sex, love and relationships in 30 years. What changes would you still like to see?
A: Oh my God. No one’s asked me that question. I used to hammer away at wanting to see marriage equality. I have been hammering away at the need for comprehensive sex education, and we still don’t have it. If there’s anything that would benefit everyone, it would be comprehensive sex education that talks about consent, that talks about the existence of queer people, and talks in a smart way about gender. Even what a lot of progressives or liberals look at and think “this is good sex education” is usually just reproductive biology. That’s easy. You can cover that in an hour. And most parents do: with their children, because children are curious about how they came to exist.
What trips people up about sex is: negotiation, pleasure, confusing desires that you didn’t ask for. Or you’re attracted to the kind of person you’re not “supposed” to be attracted to. And that’s not just about being gay or straight or bi. That can be about being attracted to larger people when the culture tells you that you should only be attracted to thin people, or whatever it might be…
Q: So you’re saying that comprehensive sex education is more controversial than marriage equality.
A: And more controversial than ever! One of the tools you would come out of the sex ed program that I would design is: Part of talking about sex with someone is telling them that they can say no to you. Not only can someone say no, you should ask someone if they would like to — in case they want to and don’t feel comfortable saying that. You don’t want to realize like a week later that something happened that the other person felt violated.
I write about the four magic words, which are: “What are you into?” That is the question that I, as a young gay man, was asked by my first sex partner. It was incredibly empowering, because I could rule anything in and anything out. Straight people should steal “What are you into?” from gay people the way we stole marriage from them…
Q: It’s been over a decade since you and your husband, Terry Miller, recorded that video telling LGBT teens that “it gets better” beyond high school. If you were to give a new message to young people that relates to their mental health or sexuality, would it be “it gets better,” or something else?
A: Post-Trump and world-on-fire, it feels crazy to say “it gets better,” right? But I still believe it. “It gets better” is never passive. It gets better because you do something about it…
I see people who are traumatized by getting grief online, and my advice is always: “Turn off the computer and wait two days,” and there will be a different storm. If two days later, there’s something that you feel you need to apologize for, then you can do it…
mrmoshpotato
This is good – The balls harden.
Baud
@mrmoshpotato:
I thought that was going to be a clip of Joe’s presser.
Darkrose
Dan Savage is a racist, biphobic, transphobic asshole. Fuck him.
Darkrose
JanieM
@Darkrose: I’m not fond of him either. Too long a story, but he does love the sound of his own voice, metaphorically speaking.
Spanky
@mrmoshpotato: Fun!
But the interesting thing … You know how Youtube recommends videos at the end of a play? This was #1 for me after your video played.
kindness
I used to read Dan’s weekly column for humor and societal queues. He isn’t as funny any more. I still read him though.
Fair Economist
Is there a place to read Dan Savage online? The local alternative paper I used to read him in died.
Starfish
@Darkrose: I think a lot of people have blamed Black homophobia for a lot of failures in LGBTQ legislation. The white folks who dominate media trot out this narrative all the time. They need to sit down forever because 70% of them voted for Trump. Some of them voted for Trump for the lulz.
White people in every age group voted for Trump more than Clinton. The only reason that Trump barely lost the younger age groups is that the demographic shift where most people are not white is happening.
NotMax
Respite recipe of the day.
:)
VeniceRiley
Just admitting that I also cancelled Dan Savage.
mrmoshpotato
@Spanky: Ok… 1. Why would anyone want to wear that? 2. The algorithm is weird. :)
Starfish
Here is the recent Judith Butler interview to cleanse the comments of anti-trans bigotry.
mrmoshpotato
@NotMax: Where can I buy the main ingredient, or could I just have it piped into my house?
SiubhanDuinne
@NotMax:
You remind me that I have a cupboard full of powdered and freeze-dried H2O. If you find more recipes for water, please send them along.
:-)
Roger Moore
@mrmoshpotato:
I don’t think it’s intended as a practical garment, more as a proof that you can do it. That said, I could totally see something like that as part of a cosplay outfit. FWIW, the same person tried to make a bulletproof ball gown out of kevlar and carbon fiber.
Alison Rose
@Darkrose: Seconded.
Steeplejack (phone)
@Fair Economist:
It’s at The Stranger.
MomSense
Hard pass for me.
NotMax
@SiubhanDuinne
Lyrics G&S never wrote:
When not imbibing tonic with a healthy splash of gineral
I sip a merry bottle of a Perrier that’s mineral
.
:)
Baud
Well this isn’t respite-y at all.
WaterGirl
@Baud: Threads don’t always go where you think they will go.
SiubhanDuinne
@NotMax:
?
Starfish
Minna woke up!
Felanius Kootea
@Starfish:
That is wonderful news! The updates seemed grim.
MomSense
@Starfish:
????
Mike in Oly
I’ve been a fan of Dan’s since I moved to the PNW in the mid 90s and found his column in The Stranger. He has been such a positive voice for not only the LGBTQ+ community but for sex positivity in general. He has occasionally stumbled over the years, as any human being does as they progress in life, but he has a good heart that eventually overcomes his stubbornness, and, IMO, the world is a better place for his life’s work. My life certainly has been improved with his perspectives on relationships and the vast exposure to the spectrum of human sexuality of the people that write to him. And I love that he has Ann Landers’ desk.
Fiona
Even in that interview his male privilege and tone deafness comes through.
For a lot of women and members of marginalised communities the online grief ALSO comes with offline grief. Real world harassment is a thing and can’t be stopped simply by turning off the computer. It also feels very victim blamey somehow.
Back in the late 90s I pissed off some jerk online and she started harassing me and my boss and my boss’ husband both at work and at home. “Turning off the computer” didn’t work as the harassment wasn’t coming from the computer. It was phone calls and threats. That was in the 90s. It’s so much worse today.
I’m not a giant fan of Dan and even this laudatory article doesn’t actually do anything to improve my opinion of him.
Ramalama
I’m a fan of Dan Savage despite many things I object to, like his pro-war stance (back when W was shitting the country’s bed) and also the very public fight he had with Lindy West on fat shaming. Lindy West’s writing is hilarious and poignant.
I did not know about his racist statements, re: Prop 8.
I don’t know what to think now.
As part of the alphabet community (LGBTQ+), I experienced a little bit of respite from untoward comments, actions, policies by Democrats, Republicans, conservatives, certain Christians, etc – by reading Dan Savage. By reveling in his attacks towards these groups meant to do us harm.
I think I will write him a letter.