Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

I have other things to bitch about but those will have to wait.

The republican caucus is covering themselves with something, and it’s not glory.

Democrats have delivered the Square Deal, the New Deal, the Fair Deal, and now… the Big Joe Biden Deal.

In short, I come down firmly on all sides of the issue.

There is one struggling party in US right now, and it’s not the Democrats.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

There are consequences to being an arrogant, sullen prick.

If you are still in the gop, you are either an extremist yourself, or in bed with those who are.

They think we are photo bombing their nice little lives.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

I’d hate to be the candidate who lost to this guy.

Fight them, without becoming them!

There are no moderate republicans – only extremists and cowards.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

Books are my comfort food!

“When somebody takes the time to draw up a playbook, they’re gonna use it.”

T R E 4 5 O N

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Israel is using food as a weapon of war. Unforgivable.

“Just close your eyes and kiss the girl and go where the tilt-a-whirl takes you.” ~OzarkHillbilly

We need to vote them all out and restore sane Democratic government.

They were going to turn on one another at some point. It was inevitable.

We cannot abandon the truth and remain a free nation.

You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / And Some Details

And Some Details

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Reading the comments to my post last night it appears I haven’t been clear with what is going on in the next couple momths. A year ago I asked my boss if I could work remotely from Arizona for a couple months and she said yes, so I am picking up Joelle on Christmas Eve in Pittsburgh, going to her mothers in Poland, Ohio on Christmas Day, and on the 26th packing up the truckster and driving, with Thurston Howl, to Tempe. We’re going to take our time and break it up over five to six days, and I am still debating the wisdom of telling you fuckers our exact itinerary.

So I have a ton of little tasks, like picking up prescriptions for several months, getting a copy of my birth certificate in case we decide to say fuck it and elope, proof of my military service, getting new spark plugs and having the oil changed and tires rotated and alignment, stocking up on food for the boys and arranging their caretakers, etc.

Also, today, I got my medical power of attorney that gives Joelle decision making status if I am unable (my sister if Joelle can not), and my will making her and Devon executors. That kind of shit. I’m telling you this so as to leave a bread crumb trail in case I die prematurely so they can fill up the entire Dateline hour with my story (and I would like Josh Mankiewicz to be the host). It goes without saying that Joelle did it.

Speaking of Joelle, she sent me this and said “this dog is sending big Cole energy”:

And Some Details

She keeps that shit up she might have her own Dateline special. Also buy your Pet Calendar.

Reader Interactions

116Comments

  1. 1.

    Poe Larity

    Albert Brooks just called me and would like to secure the rights to this adventure. Please advise.

  2. 2.

    satby

    Honestly, you were pretty clear the first time. Most of this bunch has the attention span and memory of a gnat.

    Joelle is correct about the doggy pic too. Well played, girlfriend!

  3. 3.

    Alison Rose

    I am still debating the wisdom of telling you fuckers our exact itinerary.

    Lucky for you I can’t go anywhere, otherwise I’d waylay you both on the highway somewhere and take 100 photos of you and send them all to WaterGirl to post for an On the Road.

  4. 4.

    Scout211

    @satby: Honestly, you were pretty clear the first time. Most of this bunch has the attention span and memory of a gnat.

    Maybe, but I think most of this bunch doesn’t read every post so this is news to many of us.  We gnats may have short memories but this gnat read about his plans just now for the first time.  😉

    Have great road trip and wonderful visit in Tempe, Cole.

  6. 6.

    HinTN

    I bought my calendars. Two, to be precise. The pix are fine. The paper is lovely. The calendars, however, leave something to be desired. There is not one fucking special day labeled, as they were in the past. No holidays. No colloquial days (Groundhog Day, etc.). No Passover. No Eid. Da Nada. Not even the fucking year called out at the top along with the month. I have complained to CafePress, to no avail. You’re abandoning your cats? FFS, have a great trip!

  8. 8.

    HinTN

    Not to pry or nothing, Cole, but did you get your mellow mix made? You can still get Sirius XM and listen to mellow pop/rock on channel 27. It’s pretty good. Beatles are on 18, Dwight Yoakam is on 349. Dead on 23. Jazz on 67. Choices, man

    ETA: Willie’s Roadhouse on 61. And BB King’s Bluesville on 74.

  9. 9.

    Suzanne

    Winter is the best time to go. If I might suggest, find some time to go hike Camelback. The Cholla trail is easy, and you get great views of the city. Also, maybe drive south to Saguaro National Park. They’re majestic AF and I miss them.

  11. 11.

    SteveinPHX

    Cash only on the road and they won’t be able to trace you! Show ID sparingly. Have fun!

    Welcome to Arizona!

  12. 12.

    Suzanne

    @HinTN: The things to do in the Valley of the Sun are:

    1) Hang out by the pool (alternate: tube Rio Salado)

    2) Hike something

    3) Golf

    4) Go shopping

    The second one is the only thing that sounds even remotely Cole-adjacent.

  16. 16.

    eclare

    I would choose Keith Morrison, Josh always sounds so nasally.  But to each his or her own.

    Drive safe!

  17. 17.

    WaterGirl

    At first I wondered why you were making Joelle and your sister executioners, but I didn’t ponder it long, and then got up to clean my glasses.

  18. 18.

    The Up and Up

    A relative recently came down with Covid postponing another’s 90th birthday party. No one is going anyplace as far as I know so hopefully you enjoy the trip to your presumably future home state of Arizona. I had a family member who lived in Tucson. Another in Quartzsite.

  19. 19.

    TaMara

    Well, you’d better be sharing your itinerary with a certain someone, lest she decides to spend her holidays with some hunk on a beach in CA.

    Just saying….

  20. 20.

    Joelle

    If this is an Albert Brooks production I think it would be foolish to consider anyone but Bette Midler and John Goodman (even though they are a tad senior by comparison).

  27. 27.

    Barbara

    Be safe!  Not quite 10 years ago my family drove from here in the East to New Mexico and then north into Utah, via Arizona.  We did many memorable things, but the two things that really endure in my memory were driving south from Colorado into New Mexico, and watching a veritable fireworks of meteor showers in the sky.

    And then driving north through Arizona into Utah and finding the road closed — I think it was actually called “The Mexican Water Road” — because a storm had washed mud onto the road and made it impassable.  A family of French tourists had got caught in the storm and been pushed off the road and stuck in a ditch full of mud and their car was totally ruined.  It was 11:00 pm and everyone was stranded so we had an impromptu gathering of truck drivers and tourists as we waited around for a front end loader to dig out the mud.  Sheriff said it happened at least twice a year.  They have a construction firm on speed dial.  Trucker said that the French family was lucky their car hadn’t been overturned by the force of the flood because it is actually possible to drown in the desert that way. My thought was, well, they got an authentic glimpse of the American Southwest and at least it was a rental car and not their own vehicle.

    I hope you have safe and memorable adventures!

  31. 31.

    Poe Larity

    @RSA: Christian Bale and Joaquin Phoenix must share an agent as they just started arguing about mustard at Polo Lounge and then went through a window onto the patio.

    Russell Crowe is staying out of it so far but has ordered the entire dessert menu so he may be a dark horse.

  33. 33.

    frosty

    @Suzanne: Um, yeah. Probably why desert isn’t my favorite type of habitat. What’s the phrase? “Everything in the desert sticks, stings, or stinks.”

  34. 34.

    Suzanne

    Cole: Make a trip to north Phoenix (as terrible as it is) and go to the Chino Bandito.

    Also can recommend Barrio Cafe, which is hip AF but the food is next level.

  36. 36.

    azlib

    @Suzanne:

    Yes, winter is the best time to be here. And the Saguaro Park is magnificent. We also have several really good museums. The Hurd Museum with its native artifacts is great. And we also have the Musical Instrument Museum. And get by Taliesen West in Scottsdale.

    Look me up when you get here. I’d love to meet you in person. I have enjoyed your site for many years with its intelligent, yet at times, snarky commentary on our current political environment.

  37. 37.

    Hidalgo de Arizona

    Well holy crap, John Cole is going to be spending a few months in my humble home town.  Let me know if you want any tips for good food or good coffee.  We have an amazing selection of both.

  41. 41.

    frosty

    @Suzanne: Thinking back, all we’ve had in PA is mice and ants. Oh, and the bats, that was fun, flying around the living room. I think it got in through the eaves, came down through the walls and out the hole in the foyer wall that the electrician left and I didn’t get around to patching. And still haven’t patched.

  44. 44.

    Suzanne

    @azlib: I absolutely second the recommendations for the Heard and the MIM, for people who are into museums. Taliesin West is fantastic for people who are architecture fans, but I took some normies on the tour and they were bored. The AZ Biltmore is not by Wright, but it is by one of his apprentices (MacArthur), and dinner there is a great if expensive way to spend an evening.

  47. 47.

    Yutsano

    @Suzanne: I was visiting a friend from college who was from Peoria AZ. One morning I woke up and saw a small white scorpion on the wall. She immediately killed it then said Iwas lucky. Apparently according to her the smaller they are the more deadly. I was fully scared out of my wits from that moment on.

    OT: I just had some Indian food in the hotel tonight and I had a revelation. I tried an appetizer called aloo tikki chaat. That was AMAZING. It’s potato fritters in the most delicious sauce I have ever had. If y’all see it on a menu GET IT! It’s absolutely delicious.

  49. 49.

    devore

    greetings in advance from the East Valley.  At least you picked a great time to come.  Since given your luck, I’m surprised you didn’t get to Tempe just before the 2 month stretch of 110+F days this past summer

    Although you probably have them scoped out already.  But if not, please feel free to hit us locals up for suggestions of some of the great places to eat and things to do near Tempe

  50. 50.

    jimmiraybob

    Don’t keep clothes on the floor and always shake out the shoes.  Carry lots of water when checking out the terrain. Lots. Havalina aren’t necessarily a death sentence.  Do not get within 10 feet of cholla cactus.  Do not stick your hand into hidey holes to see what’s in there.  Water.  This should help.

    Oh yeah, if you drive through Santa Rosa NM I recommend the Silver Moon Cafe.

  51. 51.

    CaseyL

    It sounds like a fabulous trip, and good on you for taking your time.

    Will the Kitty Caretaker be sending you proofs of life photos of the boys? I know of people who Skype and Facetime with their critters (with the pet-sitters’ assistance) when they’re gone for extended periods.  I can’t decide if that’s a good idea or not.  Seems to me the cats and dogs would be very confused, seeing and hearing their humans, but unable to touch or smell them.

    Speaking of which, Thurston will go out of his tiny little mind.  So many entirely new smells!

  58. 58.

    Suzanne

    @Betty: OMG, one of my more embarrassing teenage moments was taking a math test and my nose just started pouring blood. The dry air is no joke.

    I ruined multiple pairs of shoes when my foot skin got so dry that it split and I bled into the soles of my shoes.

  60. 60.

    Arclite

    Who plays Cole in the movie? I guess John Goodman too old? John C. Reilly is closer in age. Joelle will be played by Jessica Chastain of course (no idea what she looks like IRL but I’m sure she’s glamorous). Also, who directs? I’m thinking Lars von Trier. 😄

  61. 61.

    Ruckus

    I’ve driven cross this country more times than I care to mention. In cars, in a van hauling a trailer, in a diesel truck hauling a 50ft trailer and a motorcycle. I’ve driven the 10, 20, 70, 80. Flown it so many times I’ve lost count.

    The biggest issue is staying awake. That’s a lot easier with 2 drivers. I found I like driving long distance at night better than day time.

    50+ years ago saw a guy driving a Chrysler 300 (a FULL sized car with a 440 cubic inch V8 that got such good milage at somewhere around 8-9 (at best) at the speed he drove that he’d pass me at speed, likey at 3 digit speed, I’d see him at a gas station filling up, he’d pass me at speed, I’d see him in a gas station…. This went on for about 1200 miles. Then the next time I saw him there was a state trooper, foot on the bumper writing him a ticket, right in front of the next state line sign. That had to be an expensive ticket. For all the gas and the ticket he could have flown, likely for less.

  65. 65.

    Ruckus

    @SFBayAreaGal:

    I did Navy. So while I did a bit of marching, some running at boot camp, most of the time it was more the motion than the distance. Ladders in a heavy sea can break bones. We had to transfer at sea, by cable with him in a body basket, one of the cooks who went down a staircase at just the wrong time and the ship’s sudden upward movement broke his leg. We once crossed the Atlantic in 50 ft seas. Days on end UP and Down. The front goes up and down a LOT farther than the back, which is where it pivots over waves. I doubt the guys who lived up front got any sleep, the back of the ship wasn’t bad.

  66. 66.

    Leto

    @SFBayAreaGal: np; I have my DD214 stored on several cloud services, as well as several hard drives. Doing my best to ensure I can retrieve it wherever I am.
    @TaMara: oh man, that’s really sad; loved him in Brooklyn 99, but he was always so good in whatever he was in.​

  69. 69.

    Brachiator

    I am seeing the terrible news that actor Andre Braugher has died at the age of 61.

    I absolutely loved his performance as Detective Frank Pembleton on “Homicide: Life on Street.” My sister and I would have weekly conversations just about the latest episode, and about how great the cast was, both the cops and robbers.

    I think that Sherlock Holmes, Frank Pembleton, Detective Chief Superintendent Christopher Foyle, Detective Chief Inspector Jane Tennison and spymaster George Smiley are my favorite sleuths, because of their furious intelligence and depth of character.

    He is survived by his wife Ami Brabson, who also appeared in “Homicide: Life on the Street,” and three children.

  70. 70.

    piratedan

    I think that outside of the weather it should be a great trip, I agree if there’s no set playlist, surfing on XM should suffice, loads of channels to pick depending upon your mood (my favorites are 33- first wave and 21 – Little Steven’s Underground Garage).  I find that a lot of my favorite times are those spent on the road with my better half playing navigator, just sharing the journey (insert marriage metaphor here).  Hope you can enjoy the trip, take your time and see stuff (pets allowing).

  71. 71.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    The dog/Cole vibes would be stronger if the dog was in a recliner. ;)

    Taking your time on a road trip is the only way to do it right. No hurry, no worry. See some new stuff and enjoy yourself despite John’s grumping about (insert whatever here), Joelle.

    Today our sunset was one minute later than yesterday (the earliest sunset of the year) and on the 17th it’ll be two minutes later. I can already feel summer!

    It could be the edible I ate a bit ago making me feel a bit warmer but who knows…

  72. 72.

    Yutsano

    @Barbara: ​I had this nice long comment l was writing that completely disappeared. I’m amazingly happy to be back and there will be a welcome back meet-up as soon as I get settled.

  77. 77.

    Doc Sardonic

    Wife and I almost moved to Arizona, until one of her coworkers bought a new house and mentioned having to get the snake fencing done. Then she was on the phone one day and another AZ coworker had to leave a conference call because their dog was raising hell because there was a snake in the house.  At that point I told her AZ was out…. don’t want to spend time patching .44 snake round damage and cleaning up snake remains.

  78. 78.

    Jackie

    Speaking of cat kritters, how is Steve? Last time you mentioned him, he wasn’t doing well. Hopefully he’s doing much better!

  79. 79.

    Sure Lurkalot

    @TaMara: Hope the traveling troupe is taking you up on your offer.

    How often do you get a b&b experience with wonderful food, ginormous dogs, cats and ducks?

  80. 80.

    karen marie

    Dare we  hope that some time there might be a Tempe meetup?

    I’m not going to hold my breathe but I’d actually leave my house for that.

    In the event there will never be such an event, let me welcome you (early) to Arizona and tell you about some delightful places that you might like to visit for a bite of this or a bite of that.

    Farmers market in Old Town Scottsdale on Saturday mornings.  There’s a woman who sells home made pasta (and sauces) – Pasta Rea.  Really good.  You can also buy local honey, Syrian bread and desserts, regular white people bread (including Brioche), and other home made food items.  Bring your kitchen knives and have the knife guy sharpen them.

    Every other store is called “Ranch Market” but there are truly only three worth bothering about.  Los Altos Ranch Market (Mesa and Phoenix) is absolutely gigantic and has every kind of Mexican food – from individual ingredients to prepared foods, including a butcher section that runs the length of the store from front to back.  Their veg department is brilliant.

    The second is 99 Ranch Market (Chandler) – all Southeast Asian, with different aisles for different countries.  Lee Lee International Market is thought by some to be superior but the size of 99 Ranch is something to behold.

    The third is probably not somewhere you’ll visit but it’s a personal favorite – Superstition Ranch Market (Mesa) – a vegetable store with excellent prices, plus an array of store-made sauces, dressings, etc.

    For tortillas on the regular without going to Ranch Market, I recommend Lala’s.  They’re gorgeous, thin, proper tortillas.  All the chain grocery stores carry them.  Far superior to national brands like Mission.

    It would be lovely to be able to gawp at you in person but I’ll understand if you decline.

    Oh, yeah – and forget about those stupid fish tacos.  Go to any Filiberto’s and get yourself a fish burrito.  It’s the only way to go.  Nom!  Nom!

  83. 83.

    karen marie

    @Yutsano:   When I first moved out here 12 years ago, I was living on the north side of Cave Creek, in a casita on a street behind Harold’s.  My next door neighbor was bit on the thigh one night, while in his bed, by a bark scorpion.  He was on crutches for a week.  I moved down to the more civilized Scottsdale where there is grass and trees instead of rattlesnakes, scorpions and javelinas.

  85. 85.

    RaflW

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Somehow the sunset in Dillon, CO (just starting my 29th season of snowboarding. Need moar snow, though) is 4:40pm from Nov. 29th every single day until Dec. 15th (this can vary by one minute, depending on which web site one consults).

    Like, really. The same time for 17 days. Huh. (The sunrises and solar noons move later).

    Still, it’s 9 whole minutes later than Minneapolis. And the day length is a moderately s.a.d.-busting 35 minutes longer. And, most of all, the mountains offer about 2,000 feet more vertical drop. :)

  87. 87.

    mrmoshpotato

    @wjca:

    Wow! 85 comments, and still nobody has suggested casting Baud. What am I missing…? 

    I think you’re missing Baud. :)

  95. 95.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    @RaflW:

    Our sunset is at 4:46 from 12/2 thru 12/6, 4:45 from 12/7 thru 12/11 and then back to 4:46 from 12/12 thru 12/16. So it transitions here in Brookings, OR over a 15 day period. By the end of the month sunset will be at 4:54, so we will have gained back 9 minutes of sunset.

    We hit our earliest mornings at 7:46 on January 2, 3 & 4th but who gives a shit about mornings, right? ;)

  96. 96.

    Ruckus

    @frosty:

    It actually gets better….

    After the last time he passed me, I’m in the slow lane and my speed limit is 75 and there is a  truck is doing 60 in front of me. Chrysler had passed about 30 seconds earlier so I check my mirror, can see back about 2 miles and no cars. Signal, check again and pull out and get to about the back of the truck, look in my mirror and there is a cop on my rear bumper and he looks pissed in the mirror. So I step up my speed a tad and signal and pull over asap. He looks at me going by, accelerates hard and stops the Chrysler just in front of the welcome to the next state sign. As I go by he’s got his foot on the bumper writing the ticket, and he stops and looks at me like I’m the criminal. I did not wave bye-bye.

  97. 97.

    sab

    @HinTN: Somebody should organize a post listing all the holidays that we want on the calendars and what day  date they are.

    Then we can all sit down and write them onto our own calendars.

  98. 98.

    sab

    I don’t want to fat shame, but that pug is too plump to be healthy.  Needs to lose a couple of ounces.

  101. 101.

    Nancy

    Best wishes for happiness in this new phase of your life.

    I can’t achieve the magnificent level of snark on display so I’ll offer sincerity.

  102. 102.

    lee

    Dallas may or may not be on your itinerary.

    If it is and you need a home cooked meal and/or a pet friendly place to stay for a night. Drop me an email. We have plenty of room to put you and your crew up.

  107. 107.

    Paul in KY

    @Ruckus: An old dude I met years ago while on vacay was on the USS Pennsylvania when it went thru a terrible typhoon off coast of Okinawa at end of WW II. he said you could walk on the walls of the ship (for a sec or two)…and then the other wall and so on.

  108. 108.

    Joelle

    @prostratedragon: JG said, “Bette Midler would play you in a film.  You’re SO FLAMBOYANT!”  I have been called many things.  I usually get “you have so much personality.”  But flamboyant was a new and strangely accurate one.  And much like the divine Miss M, I was honored and delighted to be associated with an adjective that is almost exclusive to the crème de La crème of gay society.

  109. 109.

    Joelle

    @Yarrow: oooh I’m a huge PSH fan.  I watch his films over and over again. He’s the only actor I would be selfish enough to bring back to life Pet Semitary style.

  110. 110.

    Joelle

    @Arclite: JG and I both crush hard on Jessica Chastain.  She has a face of an angel.  She’s so gorgeous, graceful and intelligent.  Her playing my Hobbitzes self would be quite the stretch!  But I believe in her acting abilities.  Go for it Jess!

  114. 114.

    Joelle

    @satby: awww Candy would be endearing as JG Cole.  He’s on my list of Top 3 Favorite Fat Funny Dead Guys:  John Candy, Chris Farley, Louie Anderson.

  115. 115.

    Greg Ferguson

    Delightful thread. No wonder you are Cole’s match, Joelle!
    —-
    I live in Tucson, and don’t get up there often, but I had a layover on a longer trip that I spent in Tempe and it was *fabulous* –  it was also a Taco Tuesday,, so…
    Once established, I hope you guys have a Jackal Confab there – I would absolutely make the trip, just for that. You are so much loved.
    Tell us, please, how Thurston Does Travel…..😈😈😈🌵❤🤠

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