Today was another long day, and it is so weird. I keep having flashbacks to when I was back in my old apartment 20 years ago when I went through this the last time. I actually woke up this morning and walked into the wall because I was walking in the dark using the path to the bathroom in my old apartment I lived in two place previous to this. I hit the wall and was “wtf” and realized what had happened.
I guess what I want most to say (other than thanks for the well wishes) is that if you are currently on anti-depressants and decide that you want to raw-dog life and get off them because you are feeling better, don’t. Unless a doctor comes to you and says “I really think you need to go off this” and then you check with a couple other doctors, STAY ON YOUR FUCKING MEDS. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. You fucking moron (and this is directed at me).
For those of you who have gone through this or are going through it, you know what it feels like- to some extent. I’m sure it manifests in different ways in different people, but for me it’s just a number of different things- a general sense of twitchiness and nervousness. Sometimes I’m reading something and notice my hands or as I am typing this I feel like someone else looking through my eyes- “there’s someone in my head but it’s not me.”
Anything that presents a minor cognitive challenge can almost bring me to tears. I wanted to check my email but could not remember my password because my password manager was locked and I would need to find my phone to authorize the account and it was all just too much- “Welp, that’s not going to happen.”
Rolling waves of fear. You know how sometimes when you sneeze or you get asmr from music and the hairs on your arms and legs stand up and you get a tingling pleasant feeling roll over your body- like that, but it feels cancerous and rotting and evil.
Heightened awareness of anything going on with your body- this hurts, is it a heart attack? I coughed- do I have lung cancer?
The fear that this is never going to go away. You know it is, because you have been here before, but will it end this time? Can I go on like this? What if the meds do not work? What if this isn’t my head but some horrible disease that is undiagnosed and there is poison running through my veins.
For me, a loss of appetite. I’ve eaten a can of soup in the can, a couple bananas, and a bowl of cereal in the past 48 hours. I wasn’t even hungry to eat that, but made myself.
Just a horrifying sense of fragility. Just the whole sense of “I can not do this today” whenever the idea of an interaction with another person not in my close circle tries to interact or talk with me. The fear I am forgetting something important. And on and on.
For those of you who have gone through this, does any of this sound familiar? I didn’t really talk about this much the first time it happened because I was ashamed and felt weak and that I was letting the people who counted on me down. This time around my attitude is fuck them they can all wait I’ll be there when I am well.
Light sensitivity.
Baud
Your testimony is certainly helping someone out there.
TBone
Back in the 2010s I threw away my pain meds one day and went cold turkey through opioid withdrawal. While working full time. This sounds like that without the diarrhea. It’s horrible and I hope it doesn’t last long for you.
Convert
Tai chi really helped me.
Lyrebird
You’re a good man, JC.
plus what @Baud: said.
ETA: and it takes incredible strength to ask for help, and I know you know that already, but I thought I would type it out again. Screw the “letting people down” voice, eff that, you DID call the doc, you did eat, and you are letting your rather pushy fan base know how you are doing.
Mr. Bemused Senior
I love that song.
I wish I had some way to help you. I’m sending best wishes for whatever that’s worth. I’m so grateful to you for creating this community.
Chetan Murthy
John, I certainly have experienced “I was ashamed and felt weak” for …. weeks on end. And (too goddamn) regularly for a few days at a time for decades. The debilitating shame is sumthin’ alright. And that feeling of “your will is lying in a small heap over by the door, and you’re lying in bed; if you could walk over and pick it up, everything would be fine, but without your will, you can’t really do that now, can you?” For days and days.
Take care of yourself, man. Lots of us have been there, will be there again.
Anne Laurie
What helped me, apart from the meds, was reminding myself ‘There is a robot in my brain that is trying to kill me.’
I refused to give that little biochemical f*cker the satisfaction!
TBone
I think Senator Fetterman went through a bit of this maybe too.
West of the Rockies
Your experience sounds beyond wretched. My sincere and useless sympathy.
John Cole
@Anne Laurie:
I honestly was saying this to myself yesterday “why is my brain trying to kill me”
cain
@TBone: wow, respect.
cain
Maybe we should have a feature like this where we could weigh on other people like John who have mental health issues.
The election is coming up – a lot of us are going to go through some shit – especially if you’re LBGTQ+ and/or have a uterus.
karen marie
“Light sensitivity.” And I think yesterday (?) you mentioned some other symptoms that make me think at least some of what you’re experiencing is a migraine. I experience light sensitivity, nausea, tunnel vision, a painful sensation that someone is using their finger to try to pry out one of my eyeballs – not always all at once or even all in the same episode – but, as it turns out, that is a migraine as much as the “omg, my head will explode if I’m exposed to light” type.
I just take aspirin and wait. That usually works for me.
Having major depression and anxiety for my entire life, and having been on antidepressants for periods of time, I’d suggest that stopping your medication didn’t cause your current feelings. Your trip to Arizona and all that it involved was a huge life event. That’s reason enough for you to feel the way you do. Going back on the meds may help but antidepressants don’t stop change from happening, and change is stressful. Keep breathing and know that this too shall pass.
Eolirin
Yeah those are all things I’ve either experienced, or know people who’ve experienced. Very common set of symptoms for depression and anxiety, though some of that sounds like PTSD to me too.
But I’m not a clinician, just spend a lot of time around other people who also are struggling with stuff.
Also because it’s a little ambiguous I just want to add a little PSA to anyone on psych meds of any kind; don’t cold turkey your meds, ever. That’s not just a bad idea because your symptoms may come back, it’s incredibly dangerous in its own right and can lead to very nasty withdrawal symptoms.
JPL
@John Cole: Fifteen or sixteen years ago, you recognized my pain. I was starting a new life at 60 after going through a divorce. I can’t even remember what you said, but I’m not sure that’s important. You are good people and sometimes it’s important to remind yourself of that.
Jacqueline Squid Onassis
Cognitive challenges causing a full, crying meltdown? Check.
Rolling waves of fear? Check.
Fear that this will never end? Check.
These are all the things that led me to ** unmentioned for triggers ** and an intensive outpatient program last fall. The effects of trauma are pervasive and it’s almost impossible for anyone without that experience to understand how it feels. We develop strategies to cope with and get us through that trauma and those strategies hurt us when we’ve escaped. As one therapist told me, “Our brain wants to keep us safe, it doesn’t care about our happiness.” That – aside from cultural taboos – is why it’s so hard to ask for help.
All I can say is do your best to keep going, this will pass – no matter how much it feels like it won’t. None of this is your fault.
Josie
I appreciate your courage in describing your experience so well. As Baud pointed out, it will definitely help someone who is going through it for the first time. We may not experience every detail, but many of us will think about one thing or another, “Yes, I have felt that way, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.” Keep posting and taking good care of yourself.
Lee H
John, I have those feelings – “Just a horrifying sense of fragility. Just the whole sense of “I can not do this today” and it is difficult, very hard, as we get older.
But then you find out, when you have to, that you can do it.
My best to you, fellow human.
Brachiator
A very close friend would go through something like this. I felt worse than useless that I couldn’t do anything to help.
Much sympathy and respect to you, John.
Almost Retired
This is a powerful piece of writing. You really helped those of us who haven’t been through this to understand what it is like. I’ve never read anything before on depression and anxiety that made me get it like this does.
Cat radio
Beautifully said, John, plus wonderful comments. I speak only for myself, but as much as I love my creativity, it sometimes comes with demon-like teeth.
Anne Laurie
@John Cole: I had the advance warning, growing up, of knowing family history on both sides predisposed me.
Curse you, biochemically challenged ancestors!
zhena gogolia
@Almost Retired: I was just going to say that. John is one of the best writers I know of, on any subject.
weasel
Does music help? I sometimes go for days in a funk and realize I’ve not been listening to anything. Nothing like what you’re going through, but figured it was worth mentioning anyhow.
We’re all here for you and appreciate you sharing with us about these difficult times. You’re good people! Hope the fog clears soon and you can take your brain back from the chemical monsters.
brantl
I had a pathology as a 5-16 year old kid, that I would be struck in the head, be aphasic, have blind spots or moire’ patterns in my sight, and horrible impatience with all of it, never being sure how long or if, it would go away. I feel you, JC, and wish you every opportunity to get better.
Wapiti
@karen marie: Your trip to Arizona and all that it involved was a huge life event.
:nods: One of my loved ones got seriously depressed (more than their usual) after getting engaged. It was like their mind went on a “you’ll fuck this up” bender. They went on meds for several years but eventually got weaned off of them. But staying on the drugs is worth it if they’re needed.
Eolirin
@Brachiator: I can’t speak to your friend, but I will say for many of us at least, even though it fixes nothing in the moment, having people willing to bear witness, who are able to see us without pulling away or becoming obsessed with trying to find some way to make the difficult things we’re experiencing stop when they won’t, not right that minute anyway, matters so much.
These are inherently lonely disorders, not just because they tend to push us towards isolation, but also because what we’re dealing with is hidden inside our heads and bodies pretty darn well.
When you layer on the societal tendency to pull away from or try to fix pain so it’ll go away as fast as possible, and the general discomfort a lot of people still have about mental health disorders, it’s very easy for us to be rendered completely invisible. It’s so easy to pull back because we don’t want to hurt people with problems they can’t do anything about anyway. Or because we’re afraid of being judged. Or too exhausted to deal with the ignorance of others.
Just having people who will sit with you and let you hurt for as long as you need to hurt until you get to the other side of it is such a big thing.
LauraToo
I can’t add much that is useful, just want to let you know how valuable it is to have you put into words things I can’t. Hugs.
realbtl
One of the best simple explanation I’ve heard re depression. It’s like being in a hole. The meds don’t get you out but they do provide a ladder for you.
Joy in FL
John, thanks for your honesty and vivid expressing of your experience.
I hope your time in the difficult space you described resolves soon.
hells littlest angel
Respect.
TaxesMyCredulity
“Anything that presents a minor cognitive challenge can almost bring me to tears. “
There were times I would try to wash the dishes but couldn’t remember how to do it or what to do first. I’d just stand there and stare until I finally gave up and went back to bed. Even something as simple as brushing my teeth could become overwhelming and too damn hard to do!
I like that you’re staring it down and describing what it’s like. I’m thinking it’ll help shorten the cycle. Best wishes it does!
TaMara
I cannot emphasize this enough – I did this kind of living in two places commute for many years and the re-entry into my old life was ALWAYS rough after weeks of being away, so it does not surprise me it triggered your symptoms. I wish it didn’t and I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but glad you’re taking care of yourself.
You’re important to all of us.
J_A
Bipolar disorder runs in my family. tI’s very light in my case and it’s been like 15 years since my last episode (if I recall correctly, a manic one), but both my older brothers, and some cousins and members of the older generation haven’t been as lucky as I am. It is a deadly serious disease that has taken the lives of people close to me.
it doesn’t go away by force of will, toughening up, or pulling yourself by your bootstraps, nor by calming down or taking a breath. I urge all that are affected to warn their loved ones and circle of friends to be aware of abnormal behavior, to not take my actions as aggression, and to get help for me if I need it
For instance, I become very mean and nasty in a manic episode. I can hear myself. I know it’s not right, I know I’m in a crisis, but there’s nothing I can do that will control it. It is, as others describe, like there’s two people in my brain: the one who is cowering in panic in the phone rings, and the one screaming at the top of its lungs that’s all just a lithium imbalance. But the panicked one is the one calling the shots, the one that feels like the real me, the one that’s in control, no matter what rational explanations are given.
But the reality is that’s really all biochemistry. You are not a bad person for going through this. You are not weak, you are not evil, you are not selfish, you are not a coward. You are a person with a lithium imbalance in what is otherwise a normal world.
Again, let others be aware, so they know how to react, how to keep an eye, and how to intervene if necessary. It will save friendships, relationships, your family. It might save your life.
You’ll get well soon, John.
ra2phoenix
I’ve been on meds since I was diagnosed with MS something like 18 years ago and I’ve only stopped taking them if I messed up a refill. The two or so times that’s happened it’s been a barrel of yikes – feeling like you’re not in control of your life, being easily frustrated and just plain *angry* about things, which turns into a spiral of not being able to fix a thing because you keep fucking it up and just smashing the thing in the garbage can in the end (if it’s an object) when it literally drives you to tears. The way I put it to people is, I still get upset by things (because the world is a dumpster fire) but it’s intellectually upset/angry, not a physical/emotional response. All of that comes rushing in with extra helpings if the meds run out. As with many meds, if you feel fine it’s *because they’re working* so it’s hard to know if it’s ok to stop.
Yutsano
Oh John. I know there isn’t anything much I can say. Just know we’re all behind you.
And yes TAKE YOUR DAMN MEDS! That’s why you have them.
NoraLenderbee
I’ve been on antidepressants for 30 years. Some years back, my psychiatrist suggested trying a new antidepressant that has fewer side effects. After a few months I decided to switch back to the old one. One day during the transition I woke up feeling *anguish*. Over nothing specific, just anguish and pain of existing. Everything hurt, everything gave me pain, every act was unbearably hard. I upped the dose back to my normal amount and after a few days, the terrible pain went away and I felt normal again.
It is like being in a howling windstorm for hours. It fills your ears. You can’t think, can’t function, your whole mind is desperately screaming to get out of the wind. The medications give you shelter from the wind so you can start to calm down and think.
Or like old photos. You can’t tell any colors because everything is sepia. Everything in the world has this tint of pain. Everything is an awful shade of yellow-brown. Food tastes sepia. Music is sepia. Sunshine is sepia.
Meds for life here.
prostratedragon
@Anne Laurie, @John Cole:
Years ago I “installed” a Bullwinkle filter for noncontributors to use. Surprisingly, it works over time. Who would pay attention to Bullwinkle speaking out of turn?
Heidi Mom
What rang a bell for me, John, was the phrase “minor cognitive challenge.” There have been times when I used the last paper towel, knew where the new rolls of paper towels are kept, but just couldn’t bestir myself to get a new one and put it on the holder. My lifelong depression seems to manifest not as extreme sadness but as extreme inability to do much of anything. I’ve taken Prozac (now the generic form, fluoxetine) for decades and probably will stay on it for the rest of my life. Most days are good. I’ve learned that on a bad day the only thing I can rouse myself to accomplish is to read a novel–not too highbrow, not too demanding, but not total crap. A Tony Hillerman or John Sandford mystery fits the bill. Anything more demanding becomes a chore that I’m just not up for. Maybe you can identify something similar in your life that you like to do and that, even if not on your list of “shoulds,” will allow you to say “at least I did that.” Wishing you all the best.
twbrandt
John, again, I’m so awfully sorry you are dealing with this, and hope you get through this really soon.
As others have said, thank you so much for being open about it. Our culture treats this like some kind of weakness, and it’s not. So people suffer in silence, instead of getting the help they need. Being open about it helps to remove the stigma surrounding these problems. Blessings on you for talking about it.
frosty
To John and everyone else opening up here: Your experiences sound terrifying. I had no idea. Nothing of this sort has ever happened to me so I have nothing to share, and no words. Just deep sympathy and hope that things turn around for all of you and you find the right doctors, therapists, and meds. If you haven’t already.
Librarian
I am going to HR Block to do my taxes tomorrow, and now I am wondering if John has done his taxes.
Pika
Oh Cole, this all reads/feels as so much truth. I am here, and I am glad you are
different-church-lady
Well, I can say that lately I’ve experienced a lot of what you’ve described, and I’ve never been on any meds. Especially the “least little thing going wrong completely rattles” experience.
different-church-lady
@JPL:
Seconded, thirded, fourded, infinitydid.
Manyakitty
@Heidi Mom: ‘extreme inability to do much of anything’ is the perfect description of my challenge. It’s all meh-nah-who cares until one of my cats forces me to take care of them. It’s no joke to say they’ve kept me alive more than once. I’m willing to bet more than one of us understands this on a personal level.
This group is a treasure, John, and none of it would exist without you.
different-church-lady
I know you’ve got enough fortitude to get through this, but just remember, and keep reminding yourself: depression is a LIAR, and it will tell you horrible things about yourself that ARE NOT TRUE.
p.a.
John don’t forget, depression is a bigger liar than tRump.
karen marie
@Wapiti: Agreed. I like to caution people against thinking antidepressants “cure” anything. They can nudge brain chemistry but they cannot eliminate stressful life events that drop us into depression. We have to recognize and deal with situations that affect our feelings with the help of friends, family and professionals.
Grumpy Old Railroader
John,
You were in Gulf War One, right? PTSD. Ask Prof Google to list the symptoms and then write down each that you have. Then contact a local County Veteran Service Officer to get you on the path to VA help.
For many years I had these weird thoughts and fears and bouts of depression. I just thought I was really weird and so never talked about it with anyone, not even Ms Grumpy. Until one day I talked with a fellow combat veteran who was in my outfit and he managed to get through my defenses. It was enlightening to realize what was going on in my head had a name and there were actual treatments for it. Two years of therapy and I now have the tools to deal with it whenever the demon in my head tries to take control
Ohio Mom
Oh dear, that’s a lot. Props to you Cole for forcing yourself to eat and otherwise taking care of yourself despite it being a fight all the way. In particular, low blood sugar does not make anything better.
I’m encouraged that you are able to step outside yourself and report — metacognotion is a powerful tool to have.
Keep being good to yourself. Sending good thoughts your way.
Eric S.
“there’s someone in my head but it’s not me.”
I named the fucker. I named him Rocco. When Rocco starts talking to me I do my best to tell him to fuck right off. Obviously, it is not that easy. I see my therapist every 6 weeks. Naming him was her idea. Making it not you, depersonalizing it, was a useful tactic.
Juliet
John, thank you for your words. Having been on meds for anxiety and depression for many years I frequently have well meaning people in my life tell me I should try managing without the meds. To see if I can do it. Therapist and psychiatrist both told me I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. If I’m better off using meds I’m not weak for staying on them.
The doctors have been more convincing than the possible alternatives my own mind created.
CaseyL
I love you (like a friend, don’t worry) and am very thankful you are able to be in this storm and feel how awful it is and still recognize it will pass. I think the medical word for that is you “retain insight.”
My depression is situational, and comparatively mild – but there have been times I would experience the kind of spatial disassociation you’re experiencing, waking up and not realizing which particular dwelling I’m in, seeing the door and closet in the “wrong ” place. Those were always times I was relocating, whether across the country or across town, sometimes just months apart.
You just finished spending months away, not to mention a marathon drive back home, not to mention you’re now far away from Joelle. Those are a lot of shocks to the system in less than a week.
Besides getting back on the meds pronto, please check with your doctor about dosage: they might want you to start out at a lower dosage and work your way up to a standard dose.
raven
Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness William Styron
la caterina
@weasel: Music (classical) is a great help to me. Also reading about Cole’s funny escapades and the comments thereto. I find I can’t be anxious when I’m laughing.
ETA: along with my MEDS and TONS of therapy
FastEdD
Nah, man, you’re not weak. Not in the least.
Villago Delenda Est
Keep driving on, Cole. You’ve got this crazy collection of support peeps to help. Those of us who have been there are more than sympathetic. Those who have not, can feel the pain and want to do what they can to comfort and help mend.
Villago Delenda Est
@Juliet: Yeah, the $cientologists can all just FOAD.
coin operated
Every goddamn word Cole. Every goddamn word.
Zelma
I am so sorry you are facing this. And I appreciate your openness because it can help folks who may not understand what depression is like. I’m blessed to have escaped the pain but my husband was a sufferer and thus I have more than a little in my family. (Damn genes!) I’ve rarely seen a better description of what it feels like to be on the inside of depression. I hope you find your way out of the hole soon.
MazeDancer
What is good to hear is your saying – several times – you know this will pass. You know it will not last forever.
Hold tight to that recognition. That is reality. When nothing feels real, just know that you do have a grasp on reality. That you know your will make it out the other side.
The meds will kick in. You will be as happy as your were in AZ.
Must have been hard to drive across country alone. And then be with no sun. And no beloved.
(No Thurston might be a plus, however.)
Pet the cats. Weep. Do whatever you can do, And know you will make it through.
Villago Delenda Est
Oh, hell I’ve been there. One of my raters wrote that I never flustered under pressure. That was then, this is now, and dealing with the VA “phone care system” drives me bonkers, but also inspires me to list all the things they’re doing wrong. I was involved with helping to test and develop the early Maneuver Control System (MCS) of the Army back in the mid 80s at Fort Lewis, and I never hesitated to tell the people in charge how the system had to get less user surly if it wanted to penetrate the haze surrounding the heads of E4s, who should be doing the keyboarding, not O3s like me or, heaven forefend, O6s several of whom I worked for who could not resist tinkering with it and wasting time that should have devoted to doing paygrade appropriate things.
SomeRandomGuy
There’s a lot that could be going on. One thing I have learned is, if you have PTSD, it will sneak in when you’re feeling pain or stresses similar to your traumatizing experiences.
Next, remember to open your eyes, focus on something, and think about how you feel in your body – *NOTHING ELSE*. This helps unpeel the PTSD parts. It also helps some (i.e., me) break free from the flashback, if one is going on.
It also helps you recognize which if your pains helps trigger the effects – then, when you’re feeling the pain, you can remember it’s not the traumatic memory, it’s just your body. It helps me.
delphinium
@Eolirin: All of this-very insightful and well put.
Please continue to take care of yourself John and know that we are here for you.
something fabulous
Yep. I can’t even go back and pull-quote (too much effort!) how much of these details resonate with me. But for the does anyone feel this way part, yes, sign me on too. And while drinking is not my addiction, i do think our brains get extra-vengeful when denied their self-destructive soothing of choice. And when coming back from a positive trip/big positive lifestage change: I get those little doses of punishment, like “that’s just about enough of that, little missy.” I’m so grateful you’re choosing to share on this, not only for the help to others but also for the breaking out of isolation part– for me choosing to hide is so so much easier in the moment, even when I know better. And I’m glad you know intellectually that this will pass, and hope the rest of you catches up to that soon.
something fabulous
@Jacqueline Squid Onassis: Thank you for the whole thing, but especially this: “As one therapist told me, “Our brain wants to keep us safe, it doesn’t care about our happiness.” I’ve heard it expressed– and thought it myself!– in various ways but none quite so apt as this I think. Hope you are doing well now! You also helped at least one someone today.
Yutsano
@Librarian: Before you
waste your moneydo that, you should check the IRS website to see if you qualify for the new free filing pilot. I was dumb and forgot to do that, but I want to see how it works for people.artem1s
@weasel:
Oh my, this is so important. When I go thru depression periods I sometimes forget the things that give me joy. I get to a point where I suddenly realize that I have coping mechanisms that I’ve developed over the years and that I’ve forgotten them. And sometimes just that little memory trigger will get me up and going forward again. It’s so easy to think you don’t deserve joy but almost by accident you find that reserve to say that yes, you do deserve it and it’s OK to sit still and wait and let it happen instead of trying to force it. It’s hard sometimes to remember that ‘being’ is not a competition. You can’t fail at it.
Yutsano
@Villago Delenda Est: L. Ron Hubbard admitted he created Scientology to get out of paying taxes. It’s a bunch of horseshit.
Nicholas Gibbs
Hey man, long time reader. Never posted before, at least I don’t think I have. I read this blog every day, which is more than you do!
This is not exactly how I have felt, but similar. It happened for about 6 months last year, I am finally on the other side of it, and for whatever reason, this is the first time reading about someone else’s experience with mental health that hasn’t made me want to crawl up in a ball and disappear. It’s not easy, and even harder is admitting you made a mistake with the meds. I have been there also. Stopped meds, life worsened, am back on them, life getting better. I hate them, but can’t live without them. It’s hard to admit the fragility that comes with this. Hard to accept I need someone else to do this for me. I also used to drink, stopped, and now have to learn new coping mechanisms like a two year old without language skills. Life is an adventure when you are a middle aged man and you never learned the right lessons through it all. Trying hard to learn them now.
Michigander
I have been reading your blog since the Bush administration. I’ve never commented but have found it to be invaluable source of information and understanding. Especially with the community that has built up. I have used it to help my friends understand the affordable care act, keep myself informed on Covid, and keep up with events in Ukraine.
It sounds super familiar. About 5 years ago food was tasteless and felt like I didn’t need it. I lost a third of my body weight and I was super skinny to start with. Years before that I became so light sensitive I even had to wear polarized sunglasses inside. Each time it feels like everything that happened before just gets added to it and it rebounds. I am clearly preaching to choir and you have a lot of awesome people around you. But for what it’s worth I hope you recover as quickly as possible. Because this feeling is the worst and can go back to whatever hell it believes in.
ellie
Yes, it sounds all too familiar to me. I’ve had three episodes in my life where I had to go to the hospital for extreme anxiety. It was like I wasn’t even in my body. I have been on meds for over 20 years now and have no intention of going off them.
I wouldn’t wish depression and anxiety on my worst enemy, it’s that bad.
WaterGirl
@Nicholas Gibbs: I hope you will continue to comment here.
comrade scotts agenda of rage
John:
Dunno if you saw my reference to “The Noonday Demon” yesterday. You don’t need to read it because you experience it.
My wife has been on prozac for 30 years. I read the book and the lightbulbs went off and her level of depression is *nothing* compared to yours, which is basically the level of what’s described in the book.
First 4-5 years on prozac, she’d occasionally go off…and the worst of the symptoms would return. Took her that long to figure out, as you put it, stay on your meds.
Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps, the sharing.
And for those of you longtime readers, first time commenters, thanks for sharing as well. Those of us who’ve been around here for a godawful long amount of time always like to know there are others still around after all these years. And I hope your sharing tonight brings you some comfort because you have a very supportive and attentive audience.
BeautifulPlumage
I describe the “cognitive” aspect as being easily frustrated when any block comes up, and crying in frustration was common. I don’t experience much of the physical discomfort, but my brain is full of “why bother” & other negative internal conversations.
Haven’t read all the comments yet but agree that you’re helping someone somewhere by talking about this.
Odie Hugh Manatee
Hold in there, John. Please take care of yourself! I hope you can wrestle your demons into submission soon. It sounds like hell and I’m sure it is to you.
@TBone:
I quit my opioids a couple of months ago without consulting with my doc and was careful to taper off. I had been on them for about three years at a very low dose while I was deciding what to do about my lower back (L3/L4). I opted to try and slowly work up movement and exercise routines to try and avoid surgery. While I still have issues I have improved enough that I wanted to try and go it without the pain med.
I still have half of my last prescription left and have not used any since quitting in early January. I still take one Advil three times a day to help deal with pain but I have been holding my own. Kudos to you for getting off them though the abrupt way isn’t the best way to do it.
I hated the leg cramps I would get when I first started on it, that led me to cut back my dose to less that 1/2 of what the doc prescribed. The doc was very pleased that I quit it but would have preferred I had consulted him first.
oldster
Take care of yourself, John. You will make it through, and your journaling it will help others.
In other words, just tweet through it.
BeautifulPlumage
@BeautifulPlumage: going to add self-care becomes difficult – showering etc.
My long experience with antidepressants is that, for me, they become ineffective after 5-7 years & my doctor helps me find a new one or combination. It’s apparently not common, but I finally learned to recognize when I need to adjust my rx.
satby
@MazeDancer: @John Cole: What Maze says John. Hang on to the knowing it will get better.
And if you need to holler at somebody, call.
ronno2018
hang in there and see your doctor soon
being a widower i definitely have grief episodes (even after six years) that happen because i forget where i put something or trying to catch a flight, so i can relate
you will get better, thank you for the fine writing
debit
I can only echo what others have said, and say that you do what you have to in order to get through the day. You don’t have to do anything except make it from this minute until the next. Hang tough. This too shall pass.
Manyakitty
@BeautifulPlumage: FWIW, that’s discussed in The Noonday Demon. Tough book, but absolutely worth the read.
stinger
Been there, done that, with slightly different symptoms. And I would never tell someone experiencing depressive illness to “cheer up”. However, I might suggest that a glance over at the thermometers, and knowing that you created this community that has raised more than a HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for Ukraine and this year alone more than TWENTY-FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS to support good AZ candidates — well, it can’t hurt. The world is a better place because you are in it, John Cole.
Emily B.
Our brains can be very uncomfortable places to live sometimes. Please be kind to yourself. I wish that I could send back to you even a tiny fraction of the good feelings I have experienced from reading your posts and following this community over the past decade or more.
dirge
Yes, all of it.
Every. Fucking. Day.
For decades.
Somewhere along the way, I must have forgotten how to give up. But oh my god I am so tired.
JML
Cole, props to you for writing that down and putting it out there. Someone is going to read it and it will help them get over their fear and shame and get help. It’ll help someone keep taking their meds. Thank you.
NotoriousJRT
John, I am sorry you are experiencing this difficulty but relieved you recognize it for what it is. Go easy on yourself as long as you need and keep getting the help you know you need. Your honesty is helping someone who has faced your challenges and helping those who have not to important understanding of what it is like. Best of all possible wishes to you. I know it will get better.
Chacal Charles Calthrop
@Manyakitty: yeah, I remember the description of how Andrew Solomon knew he had to take a shower but couldn’t because it was just too, too much. Scary stuff.
All I can add is, try to eat healthy and sleep if you can, and feel free to call someone you trust to talk whenever you need to. And yeah meds! They exist for a reason, this is the reason.
Villago Delenda Est
Totally OT, but might bring some smiles.
NYC taxi drivers are now referring to Trump Tower as “the Tish Mahal.”
mrmoshpotato
@twbrandt:
Echoing this as well. The attitude and stigma in this country about mental health is atrocious.
Talking about it slowly improves the general attitude about mental health.
Ruckus
@realbtl:
This is still a trip that one has to take on their own. You are the captain of your life. But. That does not mean that no one can help you, and that you shouldn’t ask for it. If you don’t know which way to go, what to do, you need help.
Get help.
It helps.
But yes it takes time and at least some effort.
Quadrillipede
If I’ve gained anything from reaching near-middle age, it’s the opportunity to make the same mistakes so many times over that I was able to start seeing patterns and generalities in my mistakes. If nothing else, my coping strategies are mine and if they seem silly to others, that’s because other people aren’t me. Glad to hear you seem to be turning the corner. 👍
Gemina13
I’ve known, and been with, my SO for about 14 years now. When we met, he was on Prozac, and it was losing its effectiveness. In 2015, his doctor prescribed Celexa. If he’s so much as 2 hours late on the dose, he goes through the symptoms you describe. No possible executive function. Fragility and fear. An inability to deal with the slightest obstacle. The dread that things are never, ever going to get better for him. And if he goes into a rage spiral, he’ll pound his fists against his head to keep from shattering objects around him. (Thankfully, we cut the rage spirals by removing caffeine from his diet.)
His doctor has urged him to try CBT, but thanks to his short-term memory issues, SO hasn’t done well with it. He wants off the Celexa, and so is determined to get a psychiatric referral once he’s back from work this summer. But he’s dealing with major depressive disorder & major anxiety disorder, along with dyscalculia, dysgraphia, and damaged short-term memory function – we don’t know if there’s anything out there that can help him if the Celexa no longer cuts it.
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through, John. You’ve been through a hell of a lot.
Manyakitty
@Chacal Charles Calthrop: might be time to dig that book out again. Times have been challenging.
Manyakitty
@Villago Delenda Est: and he is don poorleone
Quadrillipede
Bears repetition. Some medications have life-threatening withdrawal symptoms. (I’m not a medical professional, but I am an enthusiastic reader of medical literature…)
Ohio Mom
@Librarian: AARP does people’s taxes for free. They focus on seniors and low-income people but they don’t turn anyone away. Their volunteers are incredibly well-trained:
https://www.aarp.org/money/taxes/aarp_taxaide/locations/
mrmoshpotato
@Villago Delenda Est: Hopefully Dump Tower gets torn down in New York. Same for the shitstain here in Chicago.
Ohio Mom
@Nicholas Gibbs: There are two types of language skills: expressive, meaning you can express yourself, and receptive, meaning you can understand what others are saying.
It’s okay if a two year doesn’t have many words IF they clearly understand what other people are saying to them, like simple commands.
If your child does not have receptive language, run, do not walk to the pediatrician and demand testing. Do not take No for an answer. If this two year dues not point to share interesting things (a doggie across the street for example, or an airplane in the sky, etc.) run even faster.
Quadrillipede
I sometimes find it helpful to sit or lie quietly in a low light environment, breathing slowly in and out. (Paying attention to breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth until that feels automatic.)
Then you can just gently acknowledge and sit with any aches, pains, emotions, etc. Try to understand each sensation in and of itself, what it feels like. It doesn’t matter if it’s “good” or “bad”, it just is what it is, and over time other sensations will emerge, which can be similarly examined. Nothing is permanent.
This technique tends to work better if you have an early alert of incoming badness, but like most things, it gets easier the more times you do it.
jame
I said this some time past, and I will say it again now: You have never let me down, John Cole, and thanks for that.
Nora Lenderbee
@Ohio Mom:
I think he’s comparing himself to a two-year-old, not referring to an actual child.
Jacqueline Squid Onassis
@something fabulous: I’m happy to read that you found that phrase to be helpful. It sure changed how I look at things.
I’ll be doing an intensive DBT program when I get back home in June and I’m very hopeful that will give me the tools I need to avoid repeatedly going into crisis.
@something fabulous:
gene108
I went through a level of mental fatigue where everything felt like a challenge. I was burned from working, didn’t really care about doing my job, and then dealt with physical health problems to suck up any remaining energy.
This started in 2020 when my job situation became precarious. After I got laid off, in January 2021, I could no longer concentrate on anything much, and lost interest in most activities.
I’m still dealing with recovering from the stress of the last few years.
Below is a link to Dr. Scott Eiler’s YouTube channel. I find he has helpful ways to analyze and deal with various mental health challenges.
https://m.youtube.com/results?sp=mAEA&search_query=Scott+eilers
eversor
For Coles orginal OP join the club.
Years ago I was responsible for a couple of deaths. I didn’t directly cause it. Though I could have stopped it. I knew it would happen. But things were batshit then and I just rode with it. It hit me. Hard.
So I hung out with some other people who had been through the same sort of situation and started drinking. There is Navy drinking, and then there is NAVY DRINKING. So I hit downing a liter of vodka a night quickly. It did make things better. But it came with a host of other problems. It lead to a series of what could have been career and life ending moves that I only got through due to an idiotic amount of family wealth and people who cared for me and realized I was hurting and in deep shit.
The funny thing about alcohol abuse is it’s one of the few things that can just kill you outright if you try to quit it cold turkey. I realized that one I tried and landed in full delrium termenes and having seizures. But I also had to keep drinking to not land there again. That’s when you are fucked.
I went to the doctors and the VA and got a list of things to get. I’d had basic medical training so I knew what benzos are and what had just happened but this needed to end. Shit worked great and I was completely fine and didn’t drink anymore. Then they cut me off the benzos. HOLY FUCK.
Fever for a while, I couldn’t even operate a keyboard the shakes were so bad. I barely slept and pretty much not went to work for a month and the nightmares were out of the world. Closing my eyes resulted in full blown halucinations. I had a heart attack at one point and drooled out of the left side of my face. I was in my 30s at the time. I spasmed so hard I tore a few things and that’s still an issue to this day.
I got through it because some of my friends are your friend localy street pharmacists So I rang them up and was all “zanax, diazepam, all of it now” and then got a load of funny brownies. So I gradualy reduced my benzo amount and got through it.
It does get better. But not completely. My hands still shake off and on for random reasons. My heart is damaged for life and it turns out I also had a minor stroke. I’ve got permanent external nerve damage that makes odd portions of me go limb. Odd shit like lips going numb or toes tingling. Nothing that major. I’ll get odd random whack ass nightmares that are so real I forget the past day and thing the dream was real.
The doctors who got me hospitalized via this had the genius idea to put me on benzos for life and I don’t take them now. So I have enough diazepam to kill a herd of elephants here. I just do not take it unless I lose motor control so badly I can’t type out “not coming in today” onto my iPhone and even then I’m senior enough I can do what I want now and nobody is checking in on me because I’m damn good at IT. Those same smart asses wanted me to take opiods for the pain the benzos they scripted me for caused when my body tried to rip itself to pieces after they took them away. So I’m done with that shit. All of it.
If I want benzos or opiods I’ll take them out of my now stock pile of them as I don’t take them. But I am not getting on magic pills only to go back through that whole mess. IT FUCKING SUCKED.
And while I can’t “officially” due it because of the contracts I deal with, I’ve found the weed gummies they sell in Georgetown right next to the cup cake shop work better. The pain stops faster, I don’t have bat shit dreams, I get a good nights sleep, it’s magical! Had I known this was an option years ago I would have done it. I went through all that hell to do it “the right way” and it made everything worse. Or I can go buy Jolly Rancher Grape, Cherry, or Sour Apple (that’s my jam!) flavored gummies and go scarf a red velvet cup cap.
I’m not saying everyone should get on THC but it’s out there and legal most places. I have no doubt it saved my life and I kick myself in the ass for putting a job ahead of that. The other thing that saved my life! My fur daughter knew what was up before I did and sat on me very upset. So I know something is about to happen when she sits on me and stares into my eyes.
To this day at times my voice will seize up and I’ll white knuckle the chairs infront of people you should not do this with. So I am disabled.
I’m aware benzos have a use and I don’t want to see them banned. But… don’t hand this out as a solution to things. Unless it’s truly needed. My mom needs them for life but I didn’t need that.
A good addiction and recovery thread would be a nice thing. I’m sure many of us have gone through this. I get ritalin as a kid so I spent the first several years high of my life on meth being told I had ADHD when the church was kiddy fucking me and I don’t think that solved shit either.
Ann Marie
John, I’m so sorry you are going through this, but I deeply appreciate your telling us about it. I have had bouts of depression in the past and, reading your post, I now am forced to accept that I am having it again and need to talk to my doctor. Thank you, and take good care of yourself. I don’t comment often, but this blog means a lot to me.
ColoradoGuy
John, it took a hell of a lot of courage to write what you just did. It took a lot of courage to find a new life companion, and now you’re feeling withdrawal pangs from the glimpse of Heaven you experienced in Arizona.
Just take care of yourself. Your psyche has been through a tremendous shock after the glorious high of Arizona. The folks here at BJ dearly love you, crankiness and all, and this little blog you created has been a ray of sunshine in a very dark time. NEVER FORGET THAT. I would not be surprised if there are people who are alive now because of this blog … that YOU created.
Juliet
@Villago Delenda Est: i absolutely agree with your sentiment.
Ms. Deranged in AZ
John, I have experienced many of the same things since I was 6 years old. I have tried so many antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds over the years, it’s ridiculous. Some had horrible side effects, some just didn’t work at all, and the ones that did work usually stopped working around the five year mark. I don’t know if it helps you to know this, but you are definitely not alone.
Debbie(Aussie)
thank you John. I too, understand what you describe. Please take of yourself. As many others have said, you are loved, both for yourself and for this community. Deb
Quaker in a Basement
Familiar like my own fucking name.
Maxim
@Jacqueline Squid Onassis:
This is such an important point. Our brains can lead us toward all sorts of unhealthy and even self-destructive behaviors because, in the short run, they translate into something that passes for a sense of safety. Self-medicating with various substances or behaviors can help short-term but be deleterious in the long run, and it can be extremely difficult to take a step back and determine what will actually make us happier / improve our quality of life.
John, I’ve experienced several of your symptoms. Lifelong anxiety here, plus ADHD and probably CPTSD. I am sending you all possible good wishes for getting back on whatever meds work for you, and getting any other help you need.
Antonius
Not as severely, but a lot of what you describe I’ve gone through frequently when I’ve been depressed, especially the part about being overwhelmed by ordinarily annoying but trivial tasks. Hang in there, man. It will not last.
Antonius
@Juliet: You might want to tell those folks to try toughing it out without their allergy medicine or insulin, just to see if they can go without.
Deborah
John, you are so important to me, and my heart, like that of many many others, is with you. I’ve been through that kind of depression myself and am now dealing with family tragedy. Thank you so much for sharing this.
lowtechcyclist
@Quadrillipede:
I don’t have depression issues, but I can totally relate to this.
Frank Wilhoit
Many years ago, there was a family conflict of sudden eruption and vast bitterness. I was prescribed an SSRI for anger management. Of course it didn’t work — how could it? it didn’t have any context. So they just kept upping the dose.
The side effect was that I started having the same dream every night: the exact same long sequence of quasi-realistic vignettes, with just enough points of contact with past experiences. It was months before I realized what was happening and by that time, my ability to distinguish between dream and reality had been durably degraded.
Of course I stopped the drug at once, withdrawal be damned. The alternative was a total loss of self. In the event, the dreams stopped rather quickly and if there was any withdrawal, it was not enough to be memorable.
But to this day, for example, I cannot stand to backtrack if I take a wrong turn — seeing the same things twice makes me unable to tell whether they are real.
(Every experience is unique and I am not advocating stopping any medication without advice and strict tapering.)
Soprano2
I took Prozac for depression in the mid 80’s, when it first came out. After about 3 weeks it felt like some kind of cloud lifted, and I could enjoy things again. I was able to taper off it after about two years, and I was fine, but my depression was situational, and the situation had gotten better. Kind of like now, I don’t think any antidepressant would help me because I’m depressed due to what’s going on with my husband, and there is no antidepressant that can fix that. I am seeing a therapist, it’s helping to keep me sane to have her to talk to about it all. Keep on keeping on, John, as you can see there are a lot of people who care about you.
BellyCat
Been there, Cole. Being open about it is difficult. Thanks for sharing. Be selfish and know we’re here when and if you need us.
Paul in KY
@Gemina13: Hope it gets better for him!
Paul in KY
Best wishes on you getting better and feeling your best, ASAP!
wonkie
Yes. Not as persistently or as frequently as you but yes. Days when every damn thing makes me cry. Days when I can’t cope with opening a cupboard door, getting dressed, or drinking a glass of water. Do not add to it by feeling guilty. Best wishes.
tmulcaire
“For those of you who have gone through this, does any of this sound familiar?” Yes, absolutely. As odd as it may sound, what you’re experiencing now is normal, under the circumstances. It’s really encouraging that you’re communicating to the BJ community. Make sure you communicate all the same stuff to your doctor and therapist. They will recognize the stuff you’re experiencing and know how to help you. You’ve been through stuff like this before and you know that it will pass and you will feel better. Have faith in that. Good luck and god bless.
Nancy
My sympathies to you, John Cole.
I’ve gone through the efforts to stop taking an SSRI suddenly, and I’ve managed it slowly, using a tablet splitter to cut the dose in half each week. It’s easier to do it slowly. What you describe happened to me when I tried the cold turkey method. It took a while for the medication to completely clear from my system so by the time the symptoms landed on me, I’d forgotten why it was happening. I wasn’t functioning and I was confused.
The final decision: I will continue on the meds. I see my doc every six months and get regular blood tests.
I’ve lowered the dose–slowly–and still feel like myself. I like who I am. That’s the key point for me. I didn’t before and when I went off meds, I really struggled.
I think of my life as a chemistry experiment; on SSRIs since 1990. I’m much more functional on the med than off though it took a while to find the right formulation.
Whatever you ultimately decide is up to you. For me, chemistry works well enough. I wish you well on your journey.
I admire you and respect what I know about you. Balloon-Juice is a reflection of you and your values. You’ve created something that matters, and you haven’t stopped tending to it.
You’re OK.
mac
Like a lot of others, this sounds so familiar. My anxiety ramped up until literally even making a phone call to schedule a plumbing appointment was a task I stressed about and had to spend a couple days prepping for. The SSRI I take just nudges everything back to manageable levels.
Ruthless
I’m 49. I don’t know anyone over age 30 who doesn’t deal with some level of depression/anxiety. 5 1/2 years ago, after being trapped in an abusive marriage for 20 years + a toxic work environment for 12 of the same years, I finally had a nervous breakdown. My senses stopped working right, my body had been destroying itself for years with doctors stumped by what seemed like an array of autoimmune issues (I assumed I had lupus.) I couldn’t function. I found out if you go to the doctor for mental health problems and mark “yes” for all the things on their questionnaire (like “thinking about imminently killing yourself”) they put you at the front of the line. They showed me techniques for dealing with a panic attack, at the time I was dissociating from reality. Long story short: I’m not weak for being brought low. I’m strong for having taken on constant abuse from others dealing with their issues by bringing other people low…and coming out the other side. I’m still here, you’re still here. You’ll be whole again.
Johannes
@la caterina: Without La caterina, I’m bad, mad, and dangerous to know.