On the Road is a weekday feature spotlighting reader photo submissions.
From the exotic to the familiar, whether you’re traveling or in your own backyard, we would love to see the world through your eyes.
I am invariably asked “What’s your favorite bird?” whenever I give talks to elementary or middle school students, so I posed that question to a few fascists. Here are their responses!
Donald J. Trump: I SEE A LOT OF BIRDS, BIGLY NUMBERS, WHEN I AM GOLFING OR DRIVING TO MY GOLF COURSES TO BURY MY EX-WIVES. SO LOTS OF PEOPLE COME UP AND ASK ME, “SIR, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BIRD?”. THAT’S A REALLY HARD QUESTION, AND IT WASN’T EVEN ON THE DEMENTIA TEST THAT I ACED THAT ONE TIME! IS IT THE COVFEFE CANOODLER? OR THE SHARPIE-TAILED CISTICOLA? NO, THOSE ARE BOTH TOO WOKE!!!!!! IT IS THE GREAT FLIGHTLESS GRIFTER, WHICH MANY PEOPLE SAY IS THEIR FAVORITE BIRD TOO!
Melania Trump: When I was girl growing up in old country, dreaming of getting a genius visa so that I could come to America, the greatest country in world, I loved to watch the Slovenian Fig-tosser bird. My parents had fig tree, and lots of Fig-tossers came to see it. Tossing the figs was favorite pastime of all my friends as well. Both of them! You probably have never seen one, or even been to Slovenia. I really don’t care, do you?
Donald J. Trump, Jr.: Believe me, I have seen lots of birds, and some of them are not even hallucinations! My father has shown me many of them, on our many camping and fishing outings together back in my perfect childhood, and that’s what makes him a great dad, even if he is flushing my inheritance down his goddamn golden toilet. But he and I have a different favorite bird, and mine is the White-nosed Jailbird. Only found around Leavenworth Kansas, for some reason. If they could cover the whole country, that would really MAGA!
Jared Kushner: In my travels to the Middle East to jury-rig (pun not intended) a new plan for World Peace, as well as to hobnob with my BFF Mohammed Bonesaw, I came across a bird which is my new favorite. It’s the Pencil-necked Weaselbird, which unfortunately lives on beautiful beaches in Gaza and might soon be extincted by my brilliant plans for resort hotels there. I certainly hope so, anyway!
Lara Trump: I’m so busy siphoning money from the RNC these days that I barely have time for birding! But when I do, I long for a sighting of my favorite, the Shit-headed Cowbird. Some say it looks a lot like Ronna Romney, but I think it is beautiful!
Justice Samuel Alito: The Leaking Limpdick is my favorite bird, because it comes in my favorite judicial colors! And its name is so evocative of what well-meaning White Christian Nationalists stand for! If there are dissenting opinions, well, those folks can just go suck eggs. In Alabama. Or wherever. Unfortunately, if we ban mifepristone and other sexual aids from interstate shipping, its favorite food, Viagra, might also be banned, and would have to be smuggled in from China. It’s getting harder and harder to be a Limpdick these days!
Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk: Here in the panhandle, where tumbleweeds are lawn art and dust is a condiment, we have one of the prettiest birds in the world. The Bump-chested Slutjay, which can only be found here in the great state of Texas. There are oodles of them on the campus of Texas Tech University, just down the road from my watchtower in Amarillo. I visit there often, just to watch Slutjays preen and strut and show off their bumps. But I can’t follow them to their favorite spring-break habitat, the beaches at South Padre Island. Even though I approve of that great patriarchal name, it’s just too much to see them go wild there. I have to stay in the watchtower, or I might be tempted to install that porn-watching nanny software that Pastor Mike Johnson recommended to me.
Mike Lindell: You might think that I would be into very soft fluffy birds, just like my over-priced pillows, but actually I am allergic to feathers. So I pay good money, which I made by being a great capitalist in the greatest country in the world, to travel to Antarctica to see my favorite bird, the Feckless Puffbird, which don’t let people get close enough for allergies. Beautiful feckless birds, kin to the Flightless Grifter, the favorite bird of the greatest president ever, who had his great election ripped out of his tiny feckless hands. And who needs Feck? Not me! Not you! Not anyone! Of course, it makes zero sense to be a tiny and nearly featherless bird in that wretched climate, but that’s why it’s my favorite bird. I love lots of things that make no sense at all!
WaterGirl
We wanted to do something fun and political for OTR on April Fools Day. I thought Albatrossity could supply the bird pics and we could enlist Tony Jay for the blurbs, but Albatrossity ran with it and totally hit it out of the park! Take a bow, Albatrossity!
Donatellonerd
many thanks to Albatrossity (and WaterGirl) for this. i was briefly confused but …
a
Don
Nicely done.
Scuffletuffle
Love it!
Jay
Thank you Albatrossy, wonderful.
eclare
OMG this is brilliant. Bravo, Albatrossity!
Tony Jay
Excellent work, love it.
Rob
This is awesome!
frosty
Nicely done! The first two looked enough like real birds that I thought there might be a key at the end. Good job channeling Tony Jay!
SteveinPHX
This is great! Makes for a happy Monday morning! Thanks.
Spanish Moss
Hilarious!
Argiope
This is the perfect way to start a Monday. I had to put down my covfefe at pencil-necked weasel-bird, especially for “extincted.” How does the shit-headed cowbird actually look like Lara Trump’s Indignation face? Brilliant.
Planetjanet
Spoiler! Yes, the first couple had me thinks they were real birds with comic write-ups. The weaselbird started the doubt. Great work by Albatrossity.
lashonharangue
Well done!
Wag
Perfect!
Eunicecycle
Hilarious! And I had forgotten about April Fool’s Day!
who postef this?
Always good to begin a day with uplifting visions. The birds look fantastic!
cope
Fabulous and fun, thank you.
Wanderer
Most excellent
StringOnAStick
That brought the first laugh of the day, then many more! Thank you!
BigJimSlade
Bravo!
Yutsano
I didn’t know Albatrossity was also the ghost writer for Alexandra Petri! Well done good sir!
suilebhan
Excellent! Great way to start my day. Thanks.
Albatrossity
Thanks, all. Making fun of these bozos is really shooting fish in a barrel, but enjoyable at the same time!
stinger
Well… this was… unexpected.
And hilarious!
Baud
👍
Dorothy A. Winsor
The birds are a hilarious match to the quotes.
SiubhanDuinne
Terrific, and thank you for reposting! Great stuff!
TBone
Good job 🤣 Albatrossity! Apparently there was another Lords Prayer incident. “You will be shocked to learn that he doesn’t know the words.”
https://crooksandliars.com/2024/04/watch-bible-salesman-donald-trump-try-say
HumboldtBlue
The Fig-tosser! Hahahahahahahahahahaha
One of the Many Jens
Nicely done! I’m not sure which I like most – the realish ones like the first two or the phoebe-ish “cowbird” or Alito!
way2blue
Love the first bird. But would hate to see it in the wild. Oof.
Andrya
Love it! The Trump message is even Trumpier than Trump’s actual Easter message, which I would not have thought possible! Truly a work of art!
currawong
OK! Who forgot Eric?
WaterGirl
@currawong: Everyone? :-)
Jim Appleton
@WaterGirl: test reply