Sorry for the delay in doing a convention write-up. I didn’t get back to LA until late Monday night — I ended up kicking it in New York for a couple days after leaving West Virginia — and I’ve spent all week recuperating and getting back in gear. Here’s the first of at least two (probably) write-ups about Driving Miss Crazy 2012.
The DNC was a blast, and for all his crankiness and disdain for humanity, Cole is actually quite a caring and concerned individual. He needs to face it already: he’s a softie on the inside. (Plus, he grows a mean tomato.)
I must admit that when I told my mom – who is white for all of you have been trapped under something heavy for the past year and a half – that I would be going to West Virginia, my mom said, “What the fuck do you want to go to West Virginia for?”
After I explained that the Balloon Juice community had been so kind as to donate money (and buttons and one very peculiar bumper sticker) in order to get John and me to the convention, mom was on board. I also explained that when I agreed to go late that whatever-night-it-was, I was 100% convinced that Cole would call me the next morning and sheepishly say in his best Lumbergh voice, “Um, yeah about that trip to the DNC…,” and I would say, “I knew it!” and then we’d have a big laugh.
But no.
By the time that I woke up the following morning, I saw that Cole had already posted a fundraiser – even though he said that he would probably be waiting until the morning to post about our slapdash plan. (I’m fairly certain that had he not put up that post while drunk, we would not have gone.)
I know there was some concern about a white man and a black woman traveling in the south, but realistically, Charlotte is not particularly deep South, and having grown up the daughter of mixed race couple, and having been in several mixed-race relationships myself, I was not at all concerned. I never once felt that, “oh dang!” moment that black folks sometimes feel when they look around and realize they’re in West fucking Virginia.
My total comfort in my surroundings notwithstanding, I was going to get a couple jokes in. As I waited for Cole and Heather to pick me up outside of baggage claim, I fired off a text message to Cole: “Look for the black person!” There really were no other black people waiting for anyone to pick them up, but that’s neither here nor there.
A few hours later after I’d paid homage to Tunch, I was sitting in Cole’s (or “JG” as his friends and family call him) living room with a group of his friends. I looked around and I was one of three black people in his house. Three! Right there in his house! (or “hizzy,” if you like.) It was me, his friend Donna, and her bouncy and adorable little girl. And, as a bonus, a couple of his closest friends who are gay (and live on a farm) were also there, and I don’t know about you, but I sort of consider gay people to be a little bit black, insofar as black is a zeitgeist, and not just a racial description. More often than not, there’s a fine line between gay and black. Laugh if you must, but when you’re finished laughing, exclaim “girrrrrl!” with a modicum of attitude, and you might start picking up what I’m putting down.
As for Cole’s family, his mom and dad literally live around the corner from his house, and frankly, his family’s closeness makes me wish I lived around the corner from my parents. I was pretty jazzed about meeting his mom and dad, and Cole had informed me that the feeling was mutual. He had remarked to me about a week before my arrival that he felt like he was preparing for a visit from Prince Harry, because, apparently, his dad forced him to clean his rug (not a euphemism!), and his mom bought him new towels for my arrival because his towels weren’t up to code. (I do love a good towel!)
I chatted with his parents for only a short while before, alas, they had to return home to take care of several dogs. (Cole’s father returned the next morning with a plate full of warm cinnamon rolls – I wanted to hug him but it seemed inappropriate, since bringing over breakfast cinnamon roll seems like something that routinely occurs in the Cole family. It’s all cinnamon rolls and shenanigans. For example, as we were on our way to Charlotte and driving by Cole’s parents house, Cole honked the car horn with gusto and then immediately called his mom to ask if she had heard him. Like I said, they’re close.) Oh, and I briefly met his sister Devon. She was super nice, really pretty, and looked like she could outrun Paul Ryan in a marathon.
All in all, Cole’s got a nice life set up for himself out there in Bethany. It’s country/college professor living, and reminded me somewhat of Oberlin. My dad was a professor, too, but at UPenn, which isn’t exactly conducive to country livin’. Still, the collegiality Cole shares with his friends, a couple of whom are also colleagues, is familiar.
As for Charlotte, I didn’t have as much of a profound experience in terms of being surrounded by a diverse crowd, since I am black (surprise!), half my family is white (seriously, you should know this by now), and where I live in LA is very mixed (as is my group of friends). Cole seemed very much in his element at Murder Hotel, currying favor with our neighbors by offering them red cups full of rum and loud opinions about the relative merits of the Pittsburgh Steelers. His joviality and booze generosity worked in our favor, too, because the next night after partying at a bar with Rebecca Schoenkopf and Jim Newell of Wonkette, we ran into our neighbor Craig — to whom we had given a large red cup of rum the previous night — right as we were drunkenly trying to find a cab to take us back to the Murder Hotel. Craig had taken off time from work to volunteer at the convention, and he was kind enough to drive us home from the bar after stopping at McDonald’s first. In all likelihood, Craig would have given us a ride even if we hadn’t shown up at the Murder Hotel the night before with boxes of booze, nonetheless I think as between forgetting pants and booze, it was a good thing that Cole forgot his pants.
Aside from the speeches and the road trip itself, my favorite bits were meeting bloggers, media folk, and Twitter denizens; people with whom I have traded barbs, laughs, and quips over the past couple years since I crashed into the political blogosphere like a lost and somewhat inebriated Kool-Aid man. I spent a lot of time networking, talking to people about Team Uterati and lady-business, hanging out with Team Blackness, and contemplating lighting myself on fire in the hopes that Cory Booker would see me and put me out. I also did my first on-air segment for HuffPost Live, which was pretty damn fun.
None of it would have happened without you people (not in the racist sense.) To those of you who donated to get us to the DNC, I cannot thank you enough. It was an experience I will never forget. And generally speaking, although I’ve had my ups and downs here, I have grown to love this place.
It is safe to say we had a great time in Charlotte.
And by “we,” I mean me and my girls, obvs.
Oh, and John, too. I guess.
***Here’s a link to a Storify of my tweets (most of them anyway.)
[cross-posted at ABLC]
Yutsano
DID. YOU. GET. HIS. NUMBER. OR. NOT?? Am I typing English here?
taylormattd
awesome, I need to go to one of those some day
Just Some Fuckhead
John who?
ABL
@Yutsano: What? Whose number?
asiangrrlMN
This is hilarious and I haz a jelus! Next time, I’m crashing on Cole’s couch*!
*My nefarious plan to meet and kidnap Tunch.
@Yutsano: Hi, hon. Your obsession with Cory Booker is a tad intense.
Yutsano
@asiangrrlMN: Less with Cory, more with getting Imani hitched. Imani knows what I’m up to. It’s a Jewish thang. :)
asiangrrlMN
@Yutsano: Ah! Gotcha. Carry on my good man. Though, I’m not quite buying the brother and sister line Cole threw out last night.
trollhattan
Those twitter-twat tracks are hilarious, and quite the adventure. I’d missed the part where you met Jesse. Dayum, you packed a lot into a few days,.
ruemara
I still say negro clusters seem like a delicious candy. In fact, if it’s chocolate covered, I’d like a few negro clusters, please.
Edited to add that these negro clusters need caramel. half dozen caramel hazelnut negro clusters please.
trollhattan
@ruemara:
They’re arrestingly good.
/cop, anytown, USA
The Dude Abides
“apparently, his dad forced him to clean his rug”
That rug really tied the room together.
amk
Ok, now that I have seen’em, cole was right.
And he is one lucky dude to have to such lovely parents.
300baud
One minor correction. My friends who are Steelers fans inform me that none of their merits are relative. ALL STEELERS MERITS ARE ABSOLUTE.
? Martin
Indeed it is.
I’m black, and I’m proud.
I just learned tonight that Hawaii is a religious minority-majority state. I knew Utah was (Mormon) and Rhode Island (Catholic) but Hawaii is 50% atheist/agnostic. What a good fucking choice for the homeland. I must make regular pilgrimages now.
? Martin
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
FYWP! There’s nothing wrong in that post!
(And when I read this post, I saw the above and thought this too was in moderation and nearly wrote another. I’m a retard.)
Narcissus
“Son, I know you’re a man now, and I should have done this a long time ago, but we really need to talk about how big boys clean their pubes. People are starting to talk.”
Redshift
Lovely. I read the Storify when you posted it earlier; it was hilarious. Sorry we didn’t get to meet, but conventions are, y’know, BIG!
Applejinx
@trollhattan:
*SNRK*
Ow. Curse you, trollhattan, I hurt myself with snrk.
raven
Hmm, so he’s not in Morgantown? I’ve told some stories about my time at Oglebay Park and Wheeling but he never let on.
c u n d gulag
That trip sounds like more fun than humans should be allowed to have.
No wonder the righties were all so pissed-off during the DNC – some people were having fun without hatin’ on other people(s).
And some might actually have gotten… LAID!
OH NO’S!
And getting laid is something that didn’t happen at the RNC without a ton of little colored pills, a loaded pistol, and some Sado/Maso and snuff p*rn – and the wives wondering when their much worse half was getting back to the hotel room from what he said was ‘having a few drinks with the boys from the neighboring state’s delegation, so don’t wait up for me, I might be back late.’
I just hope they tipped the tranny hookers.
Mystical Chick
What a great adventure! I haz a jellus too! (Mostly about the tomatoes! Nom Nom indeed!)
Thanks for sharing it all, ABL. You and JG make such a cute couple. hehe
JPL
Thanks ABL for the post and tweets. My favorite picture was the one of you and the future Governor of New Jersey.
Bethany sounds like a wonderful place to visit and John appeared to be the perfect host. I’d stop by just for the tomatoes.
Schlemizel
All these posts from you guys that went and I still have heard almost nothing about the convention. I know you guys had a good time, did a lot of drinking and partying. Met/saw a bunch of other bloggers and took some pictures so I guess you actually were there. Other than that, not much about being there.
low-tech cyclist
Loved the tweets!
Also, I think we should demand that John host a Balloon Juice cookout sometime. We tell him to pick a date, we send him a big pile of cash for food, liquid refreshments, and paper plates, and make him cook for all of us that can get up to his corner of West By God Virginia.
geg6
@low-tech cyclist:
I very much like that idea. I can be there in an hour or less. He’s always teasing us with his food pics. It’s only fair that some of us get to taste test the meals that make such pretty pics.
Mustang Bobby
I can’t wait until the movie version of this comes out starring Beyonce and Seth Rogan.
J.
@ABL, wait a minute. You’re black?! I had no idea.
Btw, next time you and JG hold a love-in in WV and need a token snarky liberal Jewish girl who grew up in Manhattan, the daughter of two Republicans, and celebrated Christmas, I’m your gal.
hep kitty
For the love of God, most of us aren’t that bad! Some of us (gasp!) went to school with black peoples with pretty even ratios of black to white. Shocking as it may seem, we are somewhat used to seeing mixed couples, romantically linked or otherwise.
Anyway, just had to get that out.
(Though, I don’t really know about WV, to be completely honest) :)
John S.
@ruemara:
They already have such a thing in Spain. Both delicious AND super fucking racist. Behold, Conguitos!
Donut
ABL, that pic of you wielding a tomato slice is pure badassery, personified.
Dimmic Rat
Man I wish I could party with the Editrix.
RoonieRoo
Thank you for the great write-up. You really should come to Austin some time.
1badbaba3
This is so awesome that words fail me. All I can say is, I really love this community.
The Other Bob
Imani- My wife and I both have relatives in W. Virginia (yeah, we are probably related) We have black kids. We are not visiting the kin, despite your great visit to W.V.
gnomedad
Thanks for the awesome Storify, ABL.
You and “JG” should hold Fantasy Blogger Camps to give dweebs like me a chance to hang out with y’all. You’d clean up.
Citizen_X
Bestest tweet of all:
Nutella
That line made me laugh out loud.
amorphous
Glorious.
dance around in your bones
THIS killed me….you have a way with words, Miss Crazy :)
Ash Can
Fabulous write-up. Great fun. I’ll say it again: I’m so glad you guys did this.
Mnemosyne
@Schlemizel:
I suspect you’ve never been to a convention. :-) That is what they’re mostly about — meeting people and drinking with them.
Countme-In
Anticipating this quest was like getting ready to open a new Cormac McCarthy novel about the last road trip wherein the cast of characters are traveling against traffic into the darkening horizon of the Apocalypse and seeking a decent burial for Hunter Thompson, whose body is in the trunk of the car.
It sounds like fun. Wish I’d been along.
Thank you.
amorphous
@raven: I also thought he lived in Morgantown.
Gex
I find your comments on gays and blacks really interesting. The main thing I have considered on that topic, is that I fear society will get over the gay thing long before they get over the black thing. I hope not. But I suspect so.
mzrad
My favorite tweet you tweeted was about un-sarcastically chanting U-S-A with the whole crowd and the hashtag #firsttimeforeverything. You both did a great job helping us feel a bit closer to being at the convention even if we were at home: thanks!
Porco Rosso
@amorphous:
Why that’s just silly
youtu.be/8aeWdXK6iLY
YellowDog
When I was in grad school in the late 70’s, a friend of mine got married. He was Chinese, from Hong Kong, and she was German. For their honeymoon, they drove from California to Florida. Nothing we could say would shake his belief that he would be lynched somewhere in Mississippi or Alabama. He wasn’t, and there were no incidents, but he came back believing that he had escaped death. Perceptions are a powerful thing. Fast forward. I am white and my wife is black; we have been married for 10 years. We travel all over, including foreign travel, and there have never been any situations. We don’t even think about it. However, three years ago I went to West Virginia for my nephew’s wedding. I didn’t take my wife because the last time I visited West Virginia, it was four days before I saw anyone of color. They were clearly from out of state. I wasn’t sure what to expect, especially since his new in-laws were described as very conservative Christians and we didn’t want to spoil his day nor have to deal with any crap. If we were going for a visit, we would have gone without a second thought. But perceptions are a powerful thing.
TaMara (BHF)
Imani, that post was a thing of beauty. Love the way you write. Glad you had fun. Thanks for making me laugh. Ok, laugh so hard I scared the cats.
Uncle Ebeneezer
ABL when are you gonna put together a BJ meetup in the city of angels?
Yutsano
@? Martin: Hawai’i is such a mixed population of just about every nationality that it makes sense there is some religious confusion. So they just don’t bother with it.
gogol's wife
This is fantastic. You are the only person who makes me think I should find out what this Twitter nonsense is all about. I am really enjoying both of your postmortems on the convention. You and Cole should write a novel together.
Dr. Squid
@amorphous: I gotta admit, I kind of knew he was out of Morgantown. When I heard he got a house in a tiny town nearby with a few hundred people, the only town I could think of was, well, Hundred. (Yes, it exists, I’ve driven through it just before their 4th of July parade.)
When I heard Bethany, I thought that was a bit of a haul for a commute (70 miles each way).
A Humble Lurker
@low-tech cyclist:
I’m totally for this if you can find a way to make jeffreyw do it too. Payback for all the delicious non-edible pictures.
ABL
@hep kitty: I know! But several commenters mentioned it — like we were driving through Mississippi in the South.
ABL
@Schlemizel: It was mostly drinking and partying. My storify tells the story of me being there and what the speeches were like. Is there anything in particular you want to know about?
RaflW
Love. This.
Mart
ABL: I fired off a text message to Cole: “Look for the black person!” Few years ago an old friend was coming down from Chicago. Plan was for wife and I to meet him at an Italian restaurant near his hotel. He came in the crowded lobby full of white people decked out in his finest Shaq attire. Blue jean jacket over his massive arms, and a Superman cap over his 6’4″ frame. Seemed like the lobby all turned to stare at him, and it suddenly got quiet. I thought I would break the ice, and as I reached to shake his hand I loudly said we better go, I don’t think they serve black people here. Without missing a beat, he said, that’s alright, I don’t eat black people.
cocktailhag
Great after action report. I laughed. I cried. It was better than “Cats.” The chiffonade tweet, unfortunately, did make me wet myself slightly, but I’m not complaining.
Glad y’all had a good time; it was fun to follow.
(and you also looked awfully hot…. that Cory Booker missed his chance.)
Violet
So late to the thread but thanks for this and all the updates during the trip. It was big fun to live vicariously through your experience.
not motorik
You’re a really good writer when you leave out the bolding and the neologisms and the references to ten-year-old Internet memes and the exclamation points.
Can’t you blog this way?
You’re…readable!
Patricia Kayden
“and for all his crankiness and disdain for humanity, Cole is actually quite a caring and concerned individual. He needs to face it already: he’s a softie on the inside.”
You can thank Tunchie for that!
4jkb4ia
You absolutely sounded like you were having a blast, and it was infectious.