Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Never give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

The gop is a fucking disgrace.

One of our two political parties is a cult whose leader admires Vladimir Putin.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

Fucking consultants! (of the political variety)

You know he’s going to shit a cat.

Authoritarian republicans are opposed to freedom for the rest of us.

Republicans do not trust women.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

The real work of an opposition party is to oppose.

Democracy is not a spectator sport.

Disagreements are healthy; personal attacks are not.

Hey hey, RFK, how many kids did you kill today?

American history and black history cannot be separated.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

They love authoritarianism, but only when they get to be the authoritarians.

Hell hath no fury like a farmer bankrupted.

They don’t have outfits that big. nor codpieces that small.

Those who are easily outraged are easily manipulated.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Friday Night Open Thread

Friday Night Open Thread

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I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but it is 10:30 and I am absolutely fucking guttered. I’m like a pint away from streaking. Some really close friends of mine are going through the death knell of their marriage, and I had one half of the couple over here for a couple hours and we had cocktails and cranked music and ate some BLT’s and there were tears. The whole thing is sad but has been going on for several years, so it’s not like this was unexpected, but when you love both of them you feel bad.

I hate to destroy an illusion I have created over ten years because I know you all think I’m just a loud mouthed prick and an insensitive dick, but I’m actually pretty empathic and really ok at providing solace and comfort (I spend a lot of time worrying about people and trying to fix things beyond my control and then feeling bad because I simply can’t. A lot more time than I feel comfortable admitting, actually…). I’m not so bad at just shutting the fuck up and listening and, well, just being there when someone needs you to be there, and more often than not, people in their worst moments of crisis don’t want your solutions, they just want to be heard and maybe a hug. I learned a long time ago that a lot of time I can’t solve shit, so offering suggestions in these situations is worthless. Just shut up and be supportive, and I may have a non-clinical approach, in that I not only listen, but I pour big drinks and cook and play music, but it works for me. I mean. They are your friends and you love them. Sometimes just being there is enough.

At any rate, I’m shitty, two of my friends are sad, and I am now listening to the Parliament.

*** Update ***

I heard a request for Lily pics, and I answer. Yes, it is fuzzy. But here she is two mins ago:

lilyboo

I have moved on to OMD. For some reason I am craving Green Day and the Nine Inch Nails, so I think they are next.

Reader Interactions

154Comments

  1. 1.

    Riley's enabler

    Awwww, John. Good on you. Being the friend in the middle can’t be easy. The ex and I split the friends up, which happened sort of naturally but I still feel the loss of the “old group”.

    Bah to divorce. Hurrah to you for listening and being a good egg.

  2. 2.

    YellowJournalism

    It’s always tough when you’re caught in the middle of a situation like that. You love them both, but you know eventually they’re going to have to decide who gets custody of the friends.

    I have two people close to me going through some marital issues that I pray they work out because I love them both and actually think they’re so good for each other when things are going well.

  3. 3.

    Lavocat

    Sounds like you’re just being a great friend.

    Choose a year and rock out. I’m stuck in 1976 this evening. Queen, Foghat, Thin Lizzy, BOC, Frampton, Kiss. Loud and proud.

  4. 4.

    donnah

    You’re a good guy, John, and a good friend. They know you can’t fix things and they don’t expect you to. What you do is give them a safe place to to cope. That’s what friends do.

    Never apologize for being a good guy.

  5. 5.

    Jinx

    I’ve recently been the wife/ex- wife in that situation. We’re both pretty awesome but just lost the thread together. I feel for them both. I lost our dog in all of it, but for all the right reasons for the dog. My heart’s hurting a bit for the obvious reasons but can I get a picture of Lily? I really love seeing that little one. Ex and I don’t trade pics of our fella.

  6. 6.

    ulee

    Sometimes the only thing to do is get drunk and listen to music and cry. And tell your pups, it’s OK, Papa is just sad.

  7. 7.

    PsiFighter37

    The LA BJ meetup has commenced. Drinking has started, but I don’t think we’re going to imbibe to streak-worthy levels.

  8. 8.

    Weasel

    This is why I love yer blog. Snackered myself, and just got the chops off the grill. Settling down to stuff face and soak up the bloggy goodness. Yum yum!

  11. 11.

    Dead Ernest

    At Top John:

    John, I believe the listening, the ‘Being There’ that you do is what the best physicians aspire to. It may only be the Pouring of the Big Drinks that is non-clinical, but the listening, the hugs, the cooking for them and the tonic of music, all that is indeed a pathway to diminishing dis-ease and promoting health.

    Good on ya Doc.

  12. 12.

    Roger Moore

    LA meetup in progress at Golden Road Brewing. We have a group sitting outside under the green balloons.

  13. 13.

    ulee

    Rosie and Tunch and Lily streak all the time. Nothing wrong with it. Just don’t run into traffic.

  14. 14.

    Hal

    On my way home from work to get crunked! My local liquor store had a brand of vodka on clearance called Rokk for 6.99. I know, wino level, but, damn, it’s pretty good for cheap Vodka. Pretty smooth, no aftertaste. I guess the liquor store had 46 crates of the stuff and had to get rid of it.

    Normally I’m more refined and get the top shelf stuff. i.e. whatever is on sale and less than 20 bucks.

    Could be worse:

    nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/brigitte-nielsen-haggard-disoriented-bizarre-appearance-public-…

  16. 16.

    TG Chicago

    I hate to destroy an illusion I have created over ten years because I know you all think I’m just a loud mouthed prick and an insensitive dick, but I’m actually pretty empathic and really ok at providing solace and comfort

    Oh, come on. Nobody actually bought that. It’s pretty clear that you’re a swell guy.

    Now Tunch, on the other hand — I figured he was a legit bruiser until you pulled back the curtain.

  17. 17.

    Zam

    It could be worse man, I’ve got a funeral tomorrow for a friends fathers funeral who was one of the best people I have ever met in my life and one of my family’s closest friends. So I’m hittin the scotch pretty hard right now.

  18. 18.

    Poopyman

    I hate to destroy an illusion I have created over ten years because I know you all think I’m just a loud mouthed prick and an insensitive dick, but I’m actually pretty empathic and really ok at providing solace and comfort (I spend a lot of time worrying about people and trying to fix things beyond my control and then feeling bad because I simply can’t. A lot more time than I feel comfortable admitting, actually…).

    Color none of us shocked. You might want to rethink your idea of the illusion you think you’ve created.

    Which, of course, is why you have the people around you you do. Of that you should be happy and proud. Even when they’re sad and it seems life is going to shit.

  21. 21.

    ulee

    @Hal: And halfway through the bottle you’re slurring, “This isnd half bad. No aftertaste and cheap and cheap too.”

  22. 22.

    Poopyman

    I was looking for a particular quote. Here it is:

    … When you get to my age, if you get to my age, and if you have reproduced, you will find yourself asking your own children, who are themselves middle-aged: “What is life all about?’” I have seven kids, three of them orphaned nephews.

    I put my big question about life to my son the pediatrician. Dr Vonnegut said this to his doddering old dad: “Father, we are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.”

    -Kurt Vonnegut

  25. 25.

    JCT

    Good listeners are rare. Good on ya.

    And Lily looks like an angel.

    And I’m on call so I can’t drink a fucking thing. Brutal.

  27. 27.

    Weasel

    @JCT: Have always thought being on call outta pay like being on the clock for exactly that reason.

  29. 29.

    ulee

    David Foster Wallace said, “Dogs are so much easier. You don’t get laid but you also don’t get the feeling you’re hurting their feelings all the time.” He was right. I am much happier with my two dogs now that my girlfriend has left me. And Wallace killed himself so…what was I saying? Oh yea, I’m not getting laid and where the fuck did I put my beer?

  32. 32.

    Laura C

    Dude, no one as goofy over their pets as you are is the dick you imagine you come off as.

    Thank you for the Lily picture.

    Oh, while I’m here, my cat is suddenly getting knots in his fur on his hind legs. Never happened before — he’d get one or two a year under his chin, but now he has a whole bunch in the back end. He’s around 8 years old; could it be age-related? This is our first year in a new apartment but I can’t think what that would change.

  34. 34.

    John Cole

    @PsiFighter37: You see where it says “CONTACT” over to the right and a bunch of names including “JOHN COLE?”

    I’m pretty sure you can find my email address there.

    I thought I was the drunk one.

  35. 35.

    MikeJ

    @John Cole:

    I thought I was the drunk one.

    He is obviously busy defending himself from psionic attack. Mind flayers are everywhere these days.

  36. 36.

    Petorado

    I’m not so bad at just shutting the fuck up and listening and, well, just being there when someone needs you to be there, and more often than not, people in their worst moments of crisis don’t want your solutions, they just want to be heard and maybe a hug.

    That why we’re here John. (Pats you on the back) If you start playing Keef Hartley, however, then we know you’re REALLY in the dumps.

  37. 37.

    Nicole

    @Punchy: I’m wondering if he means Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. Which does not, to me, lead naturally into Green Day, but then I have never had a very good ear for music.

  38. 38.

    Fave

    John, its your empathy that disqualified you from being a wingtard. You’re sometimes still a tard, just a lefty version, somewhere between a hippy asshole and elitist prick.

  39. 39.

    Fine Swine

    @John Cole Even those of us who mostly just lurk realize that the “get off my lawn” curmudgeon is just a front, although it’s nice to see you admitting it more. I’m sorry that your friends (and you) are going through that pain. Having experienced both sides of that dynamic, I’m afraid it will be difficult to keep the closeness with both friends..

  42. 42.

    Poopyman

    @John Cole: I’m not seeing the contact info on the mobile version, but then I haven’t used it much.

    ETA: I’m sitting in front of a desktop with a Galaxy 3 in my hand, so I can go either way.

  43. 43.

    El Cid

    My government, in my name, backed, funded, protected, armed, defended, paid, directed, and assisted an actual genocidalist, in the name of crushing independent reformist elected government, crushing Communism — by which my government meant anything it fucking wanted it to mean — and massacring poor Mayan Guatemalan Indian peoples of all ages.

    And we celebrate the man who funded and gleefully — yes, happily and energetically and passionately — endorsed this wild murder, Ronald Reagan, and his client the evangelical genocidalist Rios Montt.

    And at the moment we are ‘investigating’ this “Benghazi” thing.

    My government, in my name, wildly and gleefully demands the slaughter of anyone who might stand in the way of some shitty, anti-New Deal, racist, ‘evangelical’ government of mean-ass turds in Guatemala.

    And years later, when the local turd in charge during the bloodiest of times finally faces justice, my government is subsumed in investigations of whether of not the President blamed Muslims quickly enough when 4 of our personnel were shot.

  44. 44.

    dance around in your bones

    You know what they say about good advice – costs nothing and it’s worth the price.

    An ear to hear, a shoulder to lean on, a good meal and some music? Priceless.

    I hope they don’t have kids. That’s what always gets me, is the kids. “Why is Daddy/Mommy leaving?” Fuck.

  46. 46.

    Punchy

    @John Cole: you do know the mobile version of BallJews is mas diff than yer desky vers,right? Im on a Gal S trey and see nada on my phizzone.

  47. 47.

    eastriver

    It’s just “Parliament”. Not “the Parliament”. KK?

    If you still intend to foster a child, and perhaps adopt, you need to stop the drinking. Seriously. If you can moderate, sure, great, but you sound like an all-or-nuttin kinda guy. Right? I used to be one, too. Before my first kid got here, almost 11 years ago. When I stopped drinking altogether.

    THIS IS ALL IN SUPPORT, DUDE. NOT HATING. helping.

  48. 48.

    WaterGIrl

    Cole, please tell me it’s not the “ills” who are splitting up. That would be the end of an era.

  55. 55.

    Hill Dweller

    Does anyone here still watch Bill Maher’s show?

    Apparently Greenwald was on; and judging from the twitter machine, was saying all sorts of stupid shit.

  57. 57.

    Redshift

    @efgoldman:

    Well, one thing for sure. Being hammered does nothing for your musical taste.

    Feh. Old people…

    Mostly kidding, but I’m liking John’s musical taste better tonight than most times. OMD is a fine taste of my college days, and I’m now a major Green Day fan and like a good dose of NiN.

    “American Idiot” is the best song ever written about right-wing media. I was slam-dancing to it less than a month ago.

  60. 60.

    Suffern ACE

    I think there was a thread here one night about the problems of watching a movie months after everyone else and then not being able to talk about it because everyone had moved on. I guess that’s the same way with news stories.

    I’m finally catching up on the Amanda Knox case after reading about Chris Cuomos appalling interview this week. I honestly hadn’t been following it much before. I hope the press start covering it more…

  61. 61.

    Violet

    John, you’re a good guy. Like someone said upthread, your empathy prevented you from being a true wingnut. Lack of it is their defining characteristic.

    I’m just hearing the first thunder from the next round of storms. Got over 2 inches of rain already today. Expected at least another inch out of this next round.

  62. 62.

    TG Chicago

    BTW – Cole: On some sunny day, take a pic of the girls out in your yard. Lily deserves better lighting.

  63. 63.

    The prophet Nostradumbass

    So I was watching the local news, and there was mention that Eric Holder will be addressing the graduates of the UC Berkeley Law School, and that he will be facing a bunch of protestors because the Obama Administration hasn’t closed Guantanamo Bay.

  66. 66.

    James E Powell

    At LA meetup, which is actually in Glendale. People are not nearly as obnoxious as I had hoped.

  67. 67.

    ulee

    @eastriver: ‘eastriver. live your life. You’re eleven years sober and it shows. Have a drink. Cole is honest and owns up to any mistake he might make. And his name is John, not DUDE.

  68. 68.

    dance around in your bones

    @Fine Swine:

    Yeah, that’s the worst. Especially when the poor kids are young enough to think it’s somehow their fault.

    And they always do think it’s their fault, somehow. Even when Mommy and Daddy sit them down and say “It has nothing to do with you, it’s just Mommy and Daddy can’t fucking get it together!” like that’s gonna help.

    Kids’ll always think it’s because they didn’t clean their room up enough or eat their goddamn okra.

  69. 69.

    The Other Chuck

    This is the “I lurve yah, ah relly do” stage of your drunkenness. Let’s wait around for the “Fuggalluvyuhazzhols” stage inevitably coming up before we get you a trashcan to hurl into. At least we don’t have to hold your hair.

  72. 72.

    Suffern ACE

    @Punchy: it is Orchestral Manouevers in the Dark. If you leave…don’t look back…

    It’s a breakup song. But I’ve never figured out why it was part of pretty in pink, since that was a get together movie.

  74. 74.

    eemom

    Fine Swine

    Is that a ref to the song from the Charlotte’s Web movie?

    If so, will you marry me? (I’m already married, but whatev.)

  75. 75.

    John O

    Good luck, John, and way to go.

    I lost my best friend of 35 years in a divorce about 3-4 years ago, “got” the ex-wife because everyone in the extended family abandoned her even though the divorce was all his doing, and it’s still really weird. I’m sure you’ve been through it before at your age (if not, get used to it) but if you have not, be prepared for a bumpy ride.

    There are risks to love. Mostly that the loss of it is Teh Suck.

  77. 77.

    Punchy

    @Nicole: I saw your comment and thought it was a joke. People actually listen to them drunk on a Friday nite? What happed to NWA or Ice Cube or Rage or, if needing to grove, some Cornmeal?

  78. 78.

    Nicole

    @Suffern ACE: It’s not a breakup song. It’s a please for the love of god don’t break up with me song. It’s a song born out of the desperation that can make a person say utterly incomprehensible things, like “seven years went under the bridge like time was standing still.” Uh wut?

  79. 79.

    ulee

    @The Other Chuck: It’s all part of life. I love you, I hate you, I’m angry at you. I don’t like myself. I’m drunk. I’m unhappy. I’m happy. Stay sober Chuck, it suits whitebread chucks like you.

  80. 80.

    Corner Stone

    I hate to destroy an illusion I have created over ten years because I know you all think I’m just a loud mouthed prick and an insensitive dick

    Only a dense motherfucker like yourself could ever possibly believe this illusion existed.
    Do you know how many times you’ve posted love blogs to a dog?

  81. 81.

    Fine Swine

    I have no idea what OMD and NIN have in common, but for those of us in the 40-something crowd, drinking and 80s music are a natural combination. Lately, I’ve found red wine and “Hysteria”-era Def Leppard to be a winning combination…

  84. 84.

    hildebrand

    Hate to horn in – but my father-in-law is not doing well. He is on a respirator, and his oxygen is still dropping. Likely as not, he will not make it through the night. My wife and mother-in-law have started the vigil that nobody looks forward to. Keep them in your thoughts.

  88. 88.

    brendancalling

    Last August, my 7-year relationship crashed and burned, along with those of at least 7 other couples. We all spent a lot of time comforting each other.

    In retrospect, almost all of us (myself included) are glad to be rid of the piece of shit we called “partner”. Yeah, maybe that’s a rough way to put it, and no one set out to be a piece of shit. But that’s how it generally turned out.

    You’re being a good friend.

  89. 89.

    Suzanne

    @ulee:

    “Dogs are so much easier. You don’t get laid

    Uh, I read a story today about a Pekingese that contradicts this statement.

  92. 92.

    hildebrand

    @dance around in your bones: My thanks. We have been watching the decline for a number of months, but it took a significantly dire turn eight days ago – they admitted him to ICU, did everything they could, and now are making him comfortable, which is what all involved wanted.

  93. 93.

    Scamp Dog

    Breaking news: while walking Miss Biscuit ON LEASH, she caught a bird and is now eating it. She suddenly ran forward, the bird flew up but Biscuit must have caught it by the tail feathers because it failed to gain speed or altitude. I, um, let her go and she managed to get a better hold and she “completed the predatory sequence” as the animal behaviorists say.

    Poor bird! But dogs aren’t just pals for humans, they’re still predators. Biscuit the mighty hunter!

  94. 94.

    Scott Alloway

    @John Cole: Hell, half of us are drunk at midnight on Friday, John. When you’re in Philly, we’ll keep you drunk til noon.

  95. 95.

    Suzanne

    I know you all think I’m just a loud mouthed prick and an insensitive dick, but I’m actually pretty empathic and really ok at providing solace and comfort

    We know this, Cole. This is a “both/and” kinda blog around here. Most of us are both/and people ourselves.

  98. 98.

    Suzanne

    @ulee: If you find that story, please send it to me. That sounds sick and therefore fascinating.

    Did y’all see the story about the guy who received a “threatening dildo” in the mail?! So hilarious. I know a few people who deserve to be on the receiving end of a threatening dildo. So to speak.

  99. 99.

    Jinx

    Thanks for the pic. Sincerely! I love all your scoundrels no end. Should have asked for pics of ’em all.

    Divorce is just the weirdest damn thing, a dumb club you don’t want to join and didn’t know a thing about. I’ve compared it to climbing Everest (something that terrifies me) and being dropped off at Camp 4, just below the summit and told that you have to climb to the top and descend (the most dangerous part). I think I’m still ascending (just putting one foot in front of the other) but I also think i see the summit as well as the descent.

    John, please tell your friends not to decide what they should feel or put a timeline on it. Just realize that there will be some “laugh/crying, anger/laughing, etc;” it’s just damned complex but worth the time to sort it out on their own IMO. Once my now Ex-husband and I stopped talking things actually got better for us (we talked monthly for about six months, i think it afforded us time to rebuild/ build our friend structure in order to move forward). It’s super hard in a divorce because you’ve likely become each others touchstone. That’s a hard thing to lose but it is not remotely insurmountable. It just feels like it is. Please, give yourselves time and appreciate the good/bad (‘cuz there’s plenty of both mos likely). Process it. Sorry this was a flog and a half but, in short, BE KIND TO YOURSELVES.

  100. 100.

    dance around in your bones

    @hildebrand:

    Being surrounded by people who want to keep you comfortable in your last days is a blessing. Think of it that way – you are helping a life depart in a very kind way. I hope I will be so lucky when my time comes.

  102. 102.

    Suzanne

    Can I just say how annoying I find Green Day? I mean, Dookie is some childish, puerile shit, but yes, I enjoyed it in junior high. Then that goddamn “Good Riddance” song came out while I was in high school, and OF COURSE the damn senior speeches and video quoted that saccharine shit.

    AND THEN, when “American Idiot” came out, I read some interview with those whiny, entitled fucks, bitching about how they worked sooooo hard and totally deserved the Grammy for Best Corporate-Approved Album or something, because they had the revolutionary, groundbreaking idea to write a PUNK ALBUM about POLITICS. Because they felt PASSIONATE and got MAD. That had apparently NEVER been done in punk before. TOOLS.

    I was listening to Rise Against earlier today. They are fifty times the punk band that Green Day could ever hope to be.

  106. 106.

    NotMax

    Fridays are for Vivaldi, segueing into Shostakovich as the hours pass.

    @Fine Swine

    and “Hysteria”-era Def Leppard

    Might find this story about re-records for bigger bucks of some interest (mentions that band, among other artists).

  107. 107.

    hildebrand

    @dance around in your bones: The nurses have been magnificent – they have clearly understood (from the beginning – far more so than the doctors) that the goal has been to ease suffering.

    I remember something said about my Mom at her wake (20 years ago – she died at a too young 58) – she was a RN (third shift supervisor) at a very good nursing home, and she would always bring her charts and other various paperwork into the rooms of those dying, her coworkers said that she always wanted to make certain that nobody ever died alone or in pain.

  108. 108.

    hildebrand

    My wife just texted me – he is gone. Keep my family in your thoughts (or prayers, should you be so inclined.) She said it was very peaceful, and without pain.

  109. 109.

    Suzanne

    @hildebrand: Hugs to you and yours. It sounds like it was a dignified passing with loved ones near, and we can hope for nothing better. I hope you all find comfort in each other.

  110. 110.

    dance around in your bones

    @hildebrand: I hope your father-in-law has a peaceful and pain-free passing.

    Nurses generally DO understand this more than doctors, who are probably afraid of getting sued. Such is our ‘health care’ system.

    Anyway, take care of yourself and your family.

    ETA: Just saw your update on his passing. I am glad that it was peaceful and painless. What more could we ask for?

  111. 111.

    PsiFighter37

    Beer is tasty. Unfortunately, as I am driving, I have to limit myself to +3

  118. 118.

    dance around in your bones

    @PsiFighter37:

    Well, we are still waiting for the pictorial representation of the event. Black out the eyes if you have to. That will make it extra spicy.

  119. 119.

    ulee

    I think there is something wrong with me. I am sorry to Hear about Hildebrand’s loss but I shouldn’t be weeping. I did not know the man. This happens to me all the time. I’m tired of it. I am on meds but I am scared to death if I tell my doctor how desperate my thoughts are they will hospitalize me. I worked in a psychiatric hospital for three years. It’s not going to help me. I don’t know what to do. This sucks.

  120. 120.

    noodler

    JC,
    Listen, understand, empathize and counsel. That’s the definition of friendship. I’ve been there, as an ear, and I know it sux, and then I was one of the parties in the events you described as well, and my divorce was intense as well. I had a friends marriage collapse that ended in the worst way, a suicide. I was there for him as best as I could be, but never saw that coming. Be all you can be in those situations, and all that we know you to be. You are who you are.

  121. 121.

    ulee

    I’m scared of everything. I’ve lost my job. I’m going to lose my house and my dogs if this keeps up. Sorry to be such a wet blanket but just Hildebrand telling of his loss throws me into despair. This is not normal. I can’t stop crying. Fuck this shit.

  122. 122.

    Anne Laurie

    @Laura C:

    my cat is suddenly getting knots in his fur on his hind legs. Never happened before — he’d get one or two a year under his chin, but now he has a whole bunch in the back end. He’s around 8 years old; could it be age-related? This is our first year in a new apartment but I can’t think what that would change.

    Well, eight is only “middle aged” for most cats, but yeah, derriere matts are frequently a sign that your fluffy-britched pet is no longer limber enough to groom that area thoroughly. (You remember the old joke about “middle age is when putting on pantyhose is aerobic exercise”? Cat equivalent would be, how you say, “playing the cello”.)

    You already know to be careful about cutting away those mats, since cat skin so easy to hack accidentally — the Spousal Unit prefers to use a beard groomer when our pets need trimming.

    Depending on how long-haired your cat is, and how tolerant, professional pet groomers (or sometimes vet techs) can do what’s called a “geezer cut” where they shave the area around base of the tail, the groin, up under the belly/armpits if those areas start to be a problem. Done right, a casual observer won’t notice the trimmed bits unless your pet rolls over on his back. You probably don’t need to go that far, yet, but it helps to know the situation is common & does not indicate #petownerfail or #defectivecat.

  123. 123.

    trollhattan

    @hildebrand:

    Very sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences for your family and especially your wife. Losing a parent is a very tall mountain to climb, the more ropes, the better.

  124. 124.

    hildebrand

    The hardest bit was talking to my kids about it – but even they had a good bit of an inkling of understanding about what it meant that he died without pain and suffering. “He didn’t hurt, he wasn’t scared.” That was my daughter’s takeaway (she is 10). Yep.

    My thanks, everyone. I am deeply appreciative. This is a good community. No doubt about it.

  126. 126.

    dance around in your bones

    @ulee: Oh,ulee – that totally sucks.

    I’m lucky I have family to shepherd me through a similar situation – sometimes I think they are getting tired of my sadness (my husband died and then I broke my hip and it still hurts like heck – both things). I don’t know what I would do without them.

    I hope things get better for you. Somehow it always gets better – I think. I hope. Hang in there.

  127. 127.

    ulee

    @dance around in your bones: Thank you dance. I just walked the dogs around the block. That always helps since it’s terrible to feel so housebound. But I just have this fear that they are going to get killed or I’m going to be attacked. I never used to lock my doors but now I can’t wait to get inside and lock up and be safe. It’s really screwed up. Hopefully things will improve.

  128. 128.

    Suzanne

    @ulee: Hugs. We are always here to share a listening….ear? Even if it’s just to share silly stories about threatening dildos.

  129. 129.

    dance around in your bones

    @ulee:

    I am currently watching a Hoarders episode. Somehow it makes me feel better (also, Intervention) because I think “Hey, I’m not THAT fucked up!”

    So, try to remind yourself that you’re not THAT fucked up. If you can get up the energy to walk your dogs, that’s a good thing. Small steps, one at a time.

    Did you read the Allie Brosh post about Depression, Part Two? Maybe you need to find that piece of corn under your fridge.

    Not making light of your situation. Or trying to spray a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. You never know what will be the turning point. So keep looking for it. Or waiting for it.

    Gawd knows I am.

  130. 130.

    hildebrand

    @ulee: The best part about this community is the way in which they are always reaching out. I hope that you have a better day tomorrow – but do know that people care, and while that doesn’t fix anything concretely, it certainly helps knowing that there are folks out there thinking of you and hoping that you will feel even a smidgeon bit better tomorrow.

  131. 131.

    ulee

    @dance around in your bones: hey Dance. I did read Allie Brosh’s post. I immediately got in bed and cried and asked why is this happening to me. She is a great writer and I completely relate to her experience, but it scared me because it made me realize just out of control this depression and anxiety is. Thank you for writing to me about this. The isolation is bad, and that’s why the Balloon Juice community is so great.

  133. 133.

    peggy

    @TG Chicago: Disagree.
    That is the loveliest pic of Lily. She looks just like I imagine John was this evening, face up, fuzzy and radiating sympathy.

  134. 134.

    ulee

    @Suzanne: And she shows you where to look among the garbage and the flowers. There are heroes in the seaweed…Thank you Suzanne.

  136. 136.

    ulee

    @sfinny: Jeez,you all are amazing. Two dogs, Jack Russell/Whippet mixes adopted sisters from the local humane society. Poor Joplin has been skunked three times in two weeks. Perhaps in time she’ll learn that skunks aren’t cats. It rained yesterday, and though she’s had a bath she smells like a skunk. Cassady is smarter. She thinks before barrelling forward. They are both sweethearts.

  137. 137.

    sfinny

    @ulee: Two JRT mixes? you are a saint. Though the skunk comment reminds me that someone local had an encounter, thankfully the scent has reduced over the last two weeks. This is why I only have a cat.

  138. 138.

    dance around in your bones

    @ulee: I agree, the BJ community is very supportive.

    I hope you will continue to reach out and soak up that support. It might make all the difference – just knowing that people you know only through nyms and pixels care about you and your situation. That’s pretty cool, no?

    Gawd knows, I have a hard time explaining it to people who don’t hang out here and wonder why I do (hang out here so much).

  139. 139.

    ulee

    @sfinny: I had a cat, Alice, but she disapeared and I’m afraid she got eaten when I was living at my ex-girlfriends house in the country. I walked the roads for days,calling Alice! Put an ad in the paper, put up posters. I’d ask why God hates me, but I’m an athiest and it’s just a dangerous world.

  140. 140.

    peggy

    @ulee:
    Sometimes tears can just be a phase. I live in Boston and after the Marathon bombing I was crying over every newspaper article, just because it was my city. Hug your dogs, even the skunky one and I hope you feel better and that you find some solutions.

  141. 141.

    sfinny

    @ulee: Which is why my cat is not allowed outside. Well, except for the patio which is totally safe. Except for that time that the cat jumped for the bird and fell into the garden apartment below. Oops.

    ETA: cat was fine, although it was unpleasant getting him back because he was a pain in the ass about being picked up.

  142. 142.

    Debbie(aussie)

    Can’t be said enough, you are a real sweetie John Cole. Oh and, I love this place.
    (Now to read comments)

  143. 143.

    ulee

    I am overwhelmed by you all for your good and kind thoughts. Thank you, everyone.

  144. 144.

    Bubba Dave

    @ulee:

    I shouldn’t be weeping. I did not know the man. This happens to me all the time. I’m tired of it. I am on meds but I am scared to death if I tell my doctor how desperate my thoughts are they will hospitalize me.

    That could very well be the meds causing the problem. Any sort of medication for depression (or other psychiatric) issues is very much a trial and error process, because we’re all special snowflakes between the ears. I would encourage you in the strongest possible terms to tell your doctor; it may be that because you’re not complaining to them they’re persisting with Medicine A when if they had known you were still having major problems they would have already switched you to Medicine B.

    And no matter what, know that we’re out here and we’re concerned for you and we wish you better health because you deserve better health.

  145. 145.

    cckids

    @dance around in your bones:

    I am glad that it was peaceful and painless. What more could we ask for?

    Ain’t that the truth. My dad is fighting lymphoma; his doctor told us this week that they’ve done everything possible & treatments aren’t working anymore, he & Mom have to decide “how far they want to take things”. Not that he will be gone tomorrow or anything, but it is a major shift in life.

    My best to you, hildebrand, and yours.

  146. 146.

    ulee

    @Bubba Dave: I tried Zoloft, Lamictal, Lorazepam, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Clonazepam, and a host of others, too many to remember. I quit them all after awhile because they seemed to take away my personality (as stellar as it is) Now I am on Prozac, Propanolol, and Hydroxizine Pamoate. It is endless. I keep going off of the meds because they make me feel zombified. It’s a drag, a disruption. I have good hours and then fall into hell. And hell is perseverating on every fuck up you have committed without any of the decent shit you’ve done.I’m tired of complainng, just a little relief would be welcome. I’m 47 and this has been going on for decades.I guess some people are just sick and there is nothing to be done about it.

  147. 147.

    ulee

    I’ll stop complaining and naming off my meds. You all have been more than supportive and there is nothing you can do but hear me out, and you’ve done that. I hope I don’t lose my house or my dogs but it’s not looking good when I can’t work. As I’ve said, you guys are amazing but despite your good and kind intentions, I seem to be on a downward spiral that is only getting worse. Again, you all are great.

  148. 148.

    dance around in your bones

    @cckids: Jeez, I’m sorry to hear that. At least the docs are being truthful with you. There really does come a point when you realize that nothing more can be done, and then the BIG decision has to be made.

    Hopefully, we can put ourselves in the other’s shoes, and choose what they might have wanted.

    In my case, my husband was diagnosed and then dead in weeks. I tend to think that was a blessing, including him insisting on being taken home from the hospital on the day he died. He got to die at home in our own bed, with the sound of the ocean and waves outside our windows, not beeping machines. I think he wanted it that way, and I am glad for him. RIP, El Rey!

  149. 149.

    rajH

    I hate to destroy an illusion I have created over ten years because I know you all think I’m just a loud mouthed prick

    I hate to destroy an illusion that *you* might have, John Cole, that we somehow don’t see through that transparent facade of pretending to be a curmudgeon, and that we don’t see that you’re basically a big softie inside. :)

  150. 150.

    Bobby Thomson

    All I can tell your friend is, the pain never really goes away, but you get much more adept at avoiding and not wallowing in it. You learn that there are memories that are best just to keep locked in a chest and bring out only once in a great while.

    Healthy obsessions are good, too.

  151. 151.

    Gex

    John,

    Being there isn’t simply “enough.” It it exactly what’s needed. People need to, and heal from, connecting and sharing their feelings. If he listener spends more time suggesting solutions than empathizing and listening, it doesn’t work the same.

    Case in point. Yesterday I thought the cat escaped from the new apartment. I was super upset. Many of my friends offered sympathy. My om asked me if I looked in small spaces.

    Really mom? “Did I look?” is your super helpful response to my pain? Gee, great idea.

    When people talk about their feelings, they rarely want solutions.

  152. 152.

    The Other Chuck

    @ulee:

    So you expouse how other people should live and then turn around and do the same thing yourself. -33

    Lighten up Francis, I was joking.

  154. 154.

    JR

    Jesus, OMD? What the hell were you thinking?

    Injecting OMD into that situation is like playing James Taylor on the PA system at a hospice.

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