Soooo…. I was just at the general store getting a sandwich for a late lunch, and as I walked out, I saw a sign that said “Ham Shoot- two dollars.” I looked at the cashier and said “They’re going to shoot pigs? That hardly seems very sporting.” She looked at me and said “What are you, stupid? They shoot at targets and whoever wins gets a ham.”
I had been operating under the impression that every time I saw a turkey shoot sign, they were actually selling tickets to shoot live turkeys, and that always disgusted me because real animal lovers such as myself don’t shoot turkeys for sport, we buy them at Kroger after they have been tortured for a year in cramped quarters at a turkey farm. At any rate, I was very relieved to learn that they will not be shooting pigs around here any time soon.
Hard to believe I actually grew up in WV, but I guess now you know what I think of any and all gun/hunting culture. I swear, though, I thought they still shot animals like that. I guess I read Bless the Beasts and the Children too many times.
Joseph Nobles
Cole, a brief word about Eskimo Pies…
GregB
I’d be interested in what your definition of cow-poke is.
me
I hear you. I have lived my entire life in Wisconsin and have never nor ever wanted to hunt despite deer hunting being the state sport.
cathyx
I will admit thinking the same thing. I always thought turkey shoots were actually shooting turkeys.
Joseph Nobles
@GregB: Studies show that causes penile cancer.
jeffreyw
I was talking to a fellow yesterday, a deer hunter setting up his camp, and he mentioned that feral hogs are starting to be a bother in the area. The state game folks are letting people know that there is no closed season on them and no bag limit. I don’t know if the pigs are local escapees or whether the hogs from more southern climes are finding climate change enables an expansion of their range to the north.
Betty Cracker
I used to think “turkey shoots” meant shooting live turkeys too. My dad laughed his ass off when I expressed disgust at the idea, then he told me about the targets…
Chris Gerrib
Meat shoots, where you get processed meat (AKA, “stuff bought at the supermarket”) are pretty common. Target shooters don’t like to clean game.
The only live Turkey shoot I ever saw was at a frontier-days re-enactment. Contestants shot black-powder muzzleloaders at turkeys standing behind a log, leaving only their heads showing.
Result = a lot of smoke, not a lot of dead turkey.
Martin
Fucking idioms, how do they work!?
Loneoak
In fairness to your misconceptions, that is how Dick Cheney hunts.
dedc79
Speaking of turkeys
cathyx
I know this is OT but I just saw this:
The rest of the Sandusky-Costas interview. Very damning to Sandusky. Why did they edit this part out?
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/jerry-sandusky-i-seeking-young-person-sexual-helped-article-1.977730
Hunter Gathers
Hell, I’ve been living in this small town of 9000 people for going on 6 years now, and I still don’t know what the fuck ‘basket binga’ is. Is it some sort of basket-based bingo for people who can’t spell?
Guster
My biggest disappointment: pot roast.
Martin
Oh, and it’s cute you have a general store. Around here we just refer to it as Costco.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
Read “The Omnivores Dilemma” about wild pig hunting.
I can’t speak to turkey hunting but I have no qualms about deer hunting. Even here in Misery, it’s the only way to control the population since we’ve exterminated all their warm-blooded prey. And right around now, the herds need to be thinned, otherwise, it’s brutal on all the windy country roads out here in East Bumblefuck when 6 deer decide they need to leap in front of your car.
harokin
Is this why they call you Wrong Again Cole?
Guster
@Hunter Gathers: When I moved to Maine, I thought ‘redemption centers’ were churches.
birthmarker
OT–saw this comment over at RumpRoast (linked in the hippie thread below here) where they are trying to find a home for Strange’s three cats due to his serious illness. JC, guess you’ve got the internet rep for at risk animals.
Threadkiller
@jeffreyw: I’m betting it’s ours (meaning from the South). Our ferals breed like crazy, and with no natural predators, the growing population has to go somewhere.
Also too, with the drought this year, northward migration makes sense.
It’s a problem, albeit a potentially tasty one.
trollhattan
@Joseph Nobles:
Day-umn, the thread won on the very first post. My salute, sir!
tamied
I thought you were going to say, I swear, I thought turkeys could fly.
Quaker in a Basement
Man, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me…I’d have several nickels!
daize
@birthmarker: Same thoughts, wishes, prayers here. So incredibly sad.
John Cole
@birthmarker: Oh, no. What is wrong with him?
NCSteve
Yes, feral hogs are a huge problem in rural areas. They’re insanely smart, they’re incredibly dangerous, they’re meaner than Dick Cheney with a fifth of rotgut tequila and a hutch full of defenseless small animals to torture, and they’re more destructive than an F2 tornado.
I’m not a big fan of hunting. At it’s best, it’s a highly artificial attempt to try to reenter and reengage in the circle of life and death that is nature, a circle that we invented civilization to try to get out of (then we invented war–joke’s on us!) At it’s worst, it’s just stupid drunken nature-hating bloodlust. But be that as it may, I’m glad some folks disagree with me enough to keep the Bambi population in check.
But the wild hogs? Shooting them isn’t “sport.” It’s self-defense. And even with guns and a human brain and all our technology, there’s a decent chance you’ll end up getting hurt yourself.
MikeJ
The last time I participated in a turkey shoot was in high school, and those outside the south may be shocked to know it was actually *at* the high school, passing out weapons and live rounds to 16 year olds. Which didn’t seem the least bit strange at the time, because everybody who was interested already knew how to shoot and we weren’t dumb enough to point a gun at somebody even in jest.
It was also shooting paper targets, but I insisted on doing the Sgt York “gobble gobble” sound. Yes, I was odd even as a kid.
David Koch
Was the cashier a drunk, ugly chick, desperately trying to give the pig away?
daize
John —
Here’s the info from Mrs. Polly re Strange:
http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/urgent_message_to_the_rumproast_community_concerning_strangeappar8us/
DMcK
Well, at least the nickname for the Battle of the Philippine Sea, “The Great Marianas Turkey Shoot”, makes more sense now.
David Koch
Cole’s bumper sticker reads: No Pigs
Mike Goetz
“What are you, stupid?”
You and your damn metaphors against the differently-intelligenced.
MariedeGournay
When I was a reporter in rural Connecticut (I know, laugh), I used to cover the annual turkey shoots. They had bright green targets stuck to hay stacks for the locals to shoot with crossbows and rifles. All the turkeys came from local farms, half of which were donated to the local food shelf. Most of the participants were hunters. They cheered and regal me with stories of being outwitted by a crafty turkey. Fun times. And there is something adorable about a little girl being held up by her grandpa as she shoots a crossbow.
Paul in KY
@NCSteve: I wouldn’t shoot one with anything less than a .308 (maybe a 25.06).
Culture of Truth
Turkey shoots never work because they can fly. I think they can, anyway.
smintheus
@comrade scott’s agenda of rage: Plus deer will starve to death in winter unless the herds are thinned.
Culture of Truth
@Joseph Nobles: and Girl Scout cookies. (via the Addams family)
JasperL
@jeffreyw:
They are a big problem in the Smokies as well. They have an eradication team that kills dozens/hundreds per year, lots of them shot and left for the other critters to eat. I’ve hiked through areas destroyed by the hogs, so the harsh attitude of park personnel towards them is justified.
Most of the wild hogs are descendants of animals from Europe imported for hunting and that escaped from hunting preserves.
El Cid
Why not actually shoot hams?
Or for cost savings, use a variety of canned pressed pork and whole canned chickens.
kindness
Enter the contest John. Make us proud.
We’ll give you the two dollars but you have to bring your own .22.
Litlebritdifrnt
@John Cole: John
Kevin K is at the hospital with Strange, I believe he said he was going to e-mail you later perhaps you could e-mail him. They are respecting Strange’s privacy when it comes to the actual illness but it does not look good.
Paul in KY
@Culture of Truth: Not if you staple their wings to the target.
cathyx
There’s a Discovery Channel show about pigs gone wild.
Villago Delenda Est
@Culture of Truth:
Famous words of caution:
“As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!”
BGinCHI
When Sharia goes into effect you won’t be able to have a pig shoot.
/wingnut
Ben Cisco
@Joseph Nobles:
Also, moon pies…
Kevin K.
Litlebritdifrnt, actually, I’m back in NYC. Mrs. Polly and marindenver are in PA with Strange now.
The Snarxist Formerly Known as Kryptik
Hahahah, Stupid John, how could you ma-wait, what? You mean that’s not what Turkey/Ham/etc. Shoots really are?!
(joking on the ‘Stupid John’ part, not joking on the Shoots part. I’m apparently as bad a West Virginian as you are, John)
Litlebritdifrnt
@Kevin K.:
Okay thanks for the clarification Kevin.
WereBear
@daize: I tweeted it to my “cat fans list.”
JasperL
@MariedeGournay:
Turkey shoots are easier around here – they use shotguns loaded with bird shot. If you can aim a shotgun well enough to hit a paper target at 20 yards, you have as good a chance as anyone.
It’s actually pretty fun. The few times I’ve done it invariably a woman or young girl will go up against a Great White Hunter and “win” the round, with much laughter and needling of the beaten brave warrior.
Thoughtcrime
Thanksgiving at Cole’s neighbors’ in WV:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOBqGEfhHKw
I keep a-lightin’ the matches and he keeps a-blowin’ them out!
gordon schumway
Needs more lipstick…
Old Dan and Little Ann
@cathyx: I’ve watched the Pig Bomb video several times. Creepy, creep stuff. Some of those suckers fill up entire flatbeds.
Someguy
@Martin:
For the record, Martin is not referring to having sexual intercourse with figures of speech, or making a serious inquiry into the workplace activities of figures of speech.
Napoleon
@Ben Cisco:
And Little Debbies
maya
My rural home in Nor Cal is also home for quite a few, so called, wild turkeys. Nobody in the neighborhood ever bothers to hunt them and they are virtually tame. Even the dogs don’t pay any attention to them when they come troting through the front yard. I couldn’t even think about shooting them. Not very sporting though probably fair game to Cheney and Scalia.
Poopyman
I’m glad I wasn’t around when you tried cornholing.
Jager
@NCSteve: Feral pigs are a problem in California. At Pinnacles National
Monument, we were sitting around the campfire having a cocktail or two and one of the big bastards walked right through our campsite. The next morning he was rooting around a few sites down from us and we saw him again that night. He met his maker when a Ranger dropped him the next day. The Ranger told me, Mr Pig would end up in a barbeque pit at the Ranger station. I have heard they are tasty!
Phylllis
Or baby donuts. Hat tip Shakesville
DFS
On the one hand, I don’t think I personally have the nerve to go out and shoot deer and the like.
On the other hand, I’m not so optimistic about the prospects of our supermarket-centered civilization that I don’t think hunting could someday become more of a necessity than a form of recreation. So I appreciate the fact that folks out there are preserving and passing on those skills.
On a third hand, have you ever had chili made with ground venison? Holy shit is it good.
maya
@Villago Delenda Est: Wild turkeys can fly well enough. I watch groups of them climb the hill behind me in the late afternoon so that they can get an easy glide up into the trees parallel to them below for the night. When something chases them they can lift off the ground and up into any tree very quickly. They sometimes get blown out of trees they roost in during heavy wind storms. Have found several carcasses near the base of trees.
bjacques
When I was a kid, on a road trip from Houston to Lookout Mountain, TN, we stopped at a tourist trap called The Georgia Game Room. It was off the interstate where it clips off the northesatern corner of GA south of Chattanooga. The front counter had stuffed deformed animals, like a two-headed lamb and a puppy with two fused legs coming out of its butt. For five bucks you could go into the back.
My dad was too cheap to spring for the five bucks (this was 1976), so I never got to see. I imagined a yard filled with living examples of the animals on the counter, hobbling (in vain) to escape guys paying five bucks to shoot them. I mean, I knew about Deliverance and Frogs and The Legend of Boggy Creek, but this was a bit much.
Many years later, I drove past and it was gone, to the great Stuckey’s in the sky. So I never found out.
But.
A few years after that, I told a coworker about it, and he *had* gone there and paid his five bucks. No live freaks of nature, but shelves of stuffed one. Nothing to write home about. But to get to the back room you had to go through a dark and narrow hall. Most of the way along, reported my friend, a red light flashed and a deadly snake leaped at him. And bounced off the glass of the terrarium it was in.
So now you know…the rest of the story!
Villago Delenda Est
@maya:
Unfortunately, Les Nesman wasn’t tossing wild turkeys out of the helicopter…
Rihilism
Feh. I have lived in Iowa my whole life and visited my cousins farms frequently growing up. When we were in high school and read The Sound and Fury, I asked out loud, in class, what a gelding was. I’m quite certain that at least part of my classmate’s uproarious amusement was my propensity to ask frequent questions of my instructors as well as my teacher’s-pet status. Fucking jealous bastards…
Great. Now I feel all depressed about how shitty high school was. Thanks for opening up an old wound, Cole. Fucking bastard….
CWD
“As god is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly”
Arthur Carlson, Station Manager, WKRP
Somone else also pointed out that attacking Imperial Japanese Navy aircraft have been acceptable targets in past turkey shoots.
Napoleon
@Villago Delenda Est:
My favorite Thanksgiving memory.
Ben Cisco
@Napoleon: Pigs in a blanket, even.
Carnacki
@Joseph Nobles: You almost made me pee my pants with laughter
gttim
Won on the first comment.
Actually, in Virginia, we used to refer to all those types of shoots as “Turkey Shoot” regardless of what you got for winning. They frequently mixed up what they awarded. I did get some killer bacon one time.
Turkeys can fly. Have you ever seen the mountain bike video of the guy getting knocked over by the Impala, or whatever deer type thing it was? I was on a road ride and had a flying turkey just miss my head while I was going about 25 miles an hour. Turkey, duck, holy sh*t!
slag
@Napoleon: And whoopie pies…
That said, I had no idea what a ham shoot was and probably would have assumed it involved shooting hams had I given the question even a moment’s thought. At least you went straight for live pigs, JC.
Rihilism
@John Cole: Cole, please ignore my profanity-laced discussions of your lineage (I kid, I kid), and allow me to second the desire to see something on the front page regarding StrangeAppar8us’s cats.
I am at a loss for what to say because I thoroughly enjoy Rumproast and SA’s posts. While I am in no position to help (distance-wise, money-wise), I was hoping you could draw attention to this. I. can. not. imagine what it would be like to be in this situation and have to admit that even thinking about it is tearing me up inside.
I hope SA’s cats find a good home (together, ideally) and sincerely hope that SA recovers from this…
Woodrowfan
actually I think turkey shoots DID originally use live ones.
Can’t help about the ham shoot though…
Daize
@WereBear: Thanks, WereBear.
xian
@harokin: they as in “the multiple sockpuppets I post with as the old ones are successively banned”? because your written tics are unique enough that you could leave the name field blank and we’d still know it was the same malfunctioning persona.
kindness
@maya: Yea, we have the wild turkeys here in the Bay Area (the real ones, not the bottled one). They’re mean if they want to be. I know dogs that give ’em wide berth. I guess the only predator that really goes after the adults are mountain lions.
Why hunt ’em? Who likes to spit out shot while you’re eating? No, I hunt the domestic variety several times over the winter holidays.
Anne Laurie
@Hunter Gathers:
Here in New England, “beano” is what churches & other non-profits call the-game-of-chance-legislated-against-by-puritans. And the “basket” you win is full of random whatevers — usually regifted tchotchkes donated by the organizers, sometimes with extra goodies like scratch tickets.
Ruckus
@maya:
Growing up in SoCal we often had peacocks roaming the neighborhood. For some reason they liked our front yard a lot. Drove our golden retriever nuts.
Peacocks came from the arboretum about 5-6 miles away, crossed several major roads to get to our neighborhood. I’m pretty sure we weren’t the only stop on their freedom trail.
Southern Beale
Yeah we have turkey shoots around here. The first time I heard of one up in the rural hollers of Kentucky where I lived (and where there is a wild turkey season so give me a fucking break) I needed to have it clarified as well. That gave all the local yokels a good chance to laugh at the city slicker. Well hardee har har glad I could provide some entertainment for you folks.
xian
@Woodrowfan: right, the term originally applied to an unfairly easy hunt, something like shooting fish in a barrel, or shooting drugged quails and your lawyer friend with Dick Cheney.
Southern Beale
@Ruckus:
My friends who have a farm in Kentucky kept peacocks for a while. They are great for eating ticks and other bugs but man they are LOUD. And the sound they make is like a woman being strangled by a thousand demons!
However, when the males shed their tail feathers we all got to collect them, which was quite lovely.
I think some asshole hunter eventually shot the last one, thinking it was s turkey or something.
Chuck Butcher
If you want heart failure, kick up a wild turkey. Grouse make a hell of a racket when they take off, turkeys have the same technique on a much larger scale – feathers flying around from wings beating at a furious rate.
They certainly do fly but it isn’t very eagle-like or anything remotely graceful. I’ve seen them standing on a branch twenty feet up a tree – that’s a lot of bird perched there. It seems it is a toss-up whether a startled turkey will run or launch.
It is a lot easier and cheaper to get the plastic wrapped version, but…
HeartlandLiberal
Well, Cole, $DEITY forbid you ever get invited to a Snipe Hunt.
Woodrowfan
when he heard truck drivers refer to beaver shooting, he was REALLY confused..
RSA
I thought the same thing, years after having moved to Carolina.
Of course, the south doesn’t have a monopoly on odd animal-themed events. The little town I used to live in, in western Mass, held a cow plop bingo contest each year on the town commons.
taylormattd
@David Koch: No, it was a half-wit troll on the internet.
300baud
Just for the record, turkey shoots did indeed used to work like John Cole thought. At least if James Fennimore Cooper is any guide. See the opening of Chapter XVII of “The Pioneers”:
http://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/2275/pg2275.html
I presume it’s that quaint custom that gives rise to the military term. John, is that perhaps where you picked up the notion?
Joel
Either way, the turkey gets tortured, right? ETA for idiocy
soonergrunt
So, what DID you do in the Army? You did notice the guns, right?
Keith G
Sometimes it’s hard to believe you actually made it out of the military without getting blown up.
edit
@ Soonergrunt: Great minds…..
kc
LMAO, I used to think the same thing when I was a kid.
David Koch
@taylormattd: Oh please. Cole has being making these disparaging sexual comments about women for 10 years. Only now is getting called out. If Cole was invoking tired old stereotypes about any other group, you wouldn’t be so cool with it.
Roy G.
I think the WKRP Turkey Drop needs to be seen to be truly appreciated, so here’s a linky:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST01bZJPuE0
Oh, the humanity!
Culture of Truth
Also “Green Shoots” are not what you think.
I hope.
Yutsano
When I was in Atlanta visiting my friend for her wedding, we got lost trying to get to the wedding resort outside Dahlonega. While driving the back highways, we saw something crossing the road. It was a flock of wild turkeys! As we got closer, they did NOT move. Brave shits took their time crossing. I even bumped one and he still just stood there. Brave birds there. I think Benjamin Franklin had the right idea making them our national bird.
Anne Laurie
@Chuck Butcher:
Don’t even try that on the guvmint-protected self-entitled dinosaur remnants here in the greater Boston area! The local ‘wild’ turkeys, who stand chest-high to an average adult, stalk down suburban streets terrorizing children, small dogs & postal carriers. They saunter just out of kicking reach, if you look big enough to be a threat, but their eyes have the mindless-predator look of a shark or a komodo dragon…
Anne Laurie
@soonergrunt:
Tanks have guns? I thought they were just extremely pimped rides with cool blow-shit-up-at-a-distance accessories!
Chuck Butcher
@Anne Laurie:
Well, these guys did have the idea that somebody might try to make a meal of them…
Now the damn bobwhites and mule deer in town petty much think they’re gods of the universe…
Sadly, even in the middle of nowhere in NE ID the damn bobwhite momma and chicks didn’t think that 110CID Harley at 65mph was anything to be concerned about … results – prying three of them out of frame, exhaust, transmission a quarter mile later. not really sure about the extent of carnage. I did use a good sized chunk of two lane road trying for a miss – oh well, there’s a lot of them.
GeneJockey
Wild turkeys are apparently quite a challenge to hunt. They see in full color, unlike many other game animals, and they become very wary. They’re generally hunted from a blind, with decoys, and calling – and it better be GOOD calling.
Like most prey animals, if they’re not hunted by people, they tend not to much care about our presence. The local Blacktail deer are so nonchalant that I’ve stood <10 yards from them – almost 'reach out and stab' distance. But in areas where they're hunted, you won't get within 50 yards unless you're a good stalker.
BTW, another reason to hunt deer is that they're very tasty. Much leaner than beef, too, not to mention if you are interested in natural foods, it doesn’t get a lot more natural than that.
Hunting isn’t for everyone, but most folks who don’t hunt don’t really understand it. Hunters are not drunken louts, wildly shooting anything that moves, as portrayed in Bambi. The feelings you get when you kill an animal are complex, and all the hunters I know have more respect for, and knowledge of the animals they hunt than anyone I’ve met who doesn’t hunt.
Joseph Nobles
Hey, thanks for all the kind words, folks! Glad you got a chuckle out of it! And thanks for Cole setting himself up as the straight guy.
Citizen_X
@Napoleon:
So I was right to be suspicious of “Ho-Hos,” eh?
Paul in KY
@Chuck Butcher: Last winter I was out in woods walking & I came around a bend & startled a flock of about 40 wild turkeys. They all took off together and it was an impressive sight.