Open Threads

Rant of the Year Nominee from Andrea Harris:

“It’s hard to remember that this is just one giant hissyfit of a class of people — an international class, or at least transatlantic — who have had their moment in the sun pass them by. I try to remember that as I come across that idiotic c#nt Germaine Greer (I’m just taking back the word, darling, don’t get your knickers in a twist) bleating about how she stopped wearing colors in order to “protest the Gulf War” and is now urging all women to wear veils to protest the warmongering USA, or maybe she just wants all women to cover themselves so she won’t have any competition, god knows that’s what it would take… (I hate this woman. Can you tell?)”

Go read the rest.

Rant of the Year NomineePost + Comments

MSNBC ran a poll all day long titled:

“Attack on Iraq: Can Bush Make His Case?”

Apparently they are unaware that he has already made his case with the majority of Americans, and that it is just a few slimy pols who are out for political posturing and partisan gain.

And Donahue sucks, too. Pull the plug on MSNBC.

MSNBC ran a poll allPost + Comments

Not Sure If It was a Repeat or Not,

but if it was not then tonight’s Law and Order was the start of what I am sure will be two weeks of capitalizing by major media on 9/11. The show was syrupy and stupid, full of silly platitudes.

The closing line, the always smug D.A. stating:

“Give us your tired, your poor, your terrorists.”

I don’t think I can take a week of this.

Not Sure If It wasPost + Comments

Nelson Mandela, Please Shut the Hell Up

“We are really appalled by any country, whether a superpower or a small country, that goes outside the U.N. and attacks independent countries,” Mandela said before meeting with French President Jacques Chirac at his Johannesburg home.

Was he serious, or just trying to make Chirac feel at home by setting a nice anti-American climate?

According to Mandela, “What they are saying is introducing chaos in international affairs, and we condemn that in the strongest terms.”

Better that we have stability with thugs and murderers in control than chaos and regime change. Explains why his neighbor, Mugabe, is still in control.

Nelson Mandela, Please Shut thePost + Comments

I just love this headline:

Pregnant Bjork is burgled

I just love this headline:Post + Comments

Funny Experience, Part Two

On Friday before the wedding, I had to head out to Adelphia Cable to pay my bill before they sent some mustachioed goon named Guido to break my legs and steal my internet connection. Adelphia is on the other side of town, which is only about 5 minutes on a normal day. On a day during the school year, it takes 40 minutes. My car air conditioner is on the blink, and it was hot as hell, so by the time I get there I am in a foul mood.

I then wait in line for 30 minutes to pay my bill (apparently all the deadbeats pay in person on Friday), and I am nearing a volatile explosion from impatience when a car pulls up and a woman comes rushing into the store.

The woman embodied every negative stereotype you have ever heard about West Virginians (as a West Virginian, I feel allowed to pick on us- if you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at). She is short and fat, about 5 feet tall and nearly as wide. She is wearing lavender stretch pants, the kind you only see at wall mart, and she has a huge gut that isn’t quite where her stomache should be but still above where her nether regions should be. She is wearing what was once a white ‘Tweetie” bird t-shirt, but now it is a yellowy/dirty beige. She has thick glasses, the kind that make your eyes look 3 times the real size, and they have the ear pieces that extend from the bottom of the lense (the kind that went out of style 20 years ago).

And. She stinks. Really bad. She has that musty odor that is a combination of 1 part not bathing, 1 part dumpster grunge (you know what I mean- that juicy bile that stays in the dumpster after they dump it, where it just sits and ferments), and 1 part 40 packs of cigarettes without a change of clothing. Essentially, she smells like a popular nightclub bathroom floor on Sunday morning.

She charges to the front of the line, which startled me and infuriated me at the same time. She then looked at the lady behind the counter, and blurted out, “I got’s the diarrhea, I’m gonna dirty my pants.”

You could hear everyone in the room breathe in, and at the same time, everyone took a step away from where the woman was standing. Also note that there is NO public bathroom, and the only doors are to leave or to go into the employee area behind the counter. The lady behind the counter looked like she had been shot, and before she could respond, the woman this time yelled out:

“I GOT’S THE DIARRHEA, I’M GONNA DIRTY MY PANTS.”

At this point, I lost complete control. I laughed so hard I almost shot stuff out my nose, and I had tears streaming down my face. Not only did the woman look the way she did, had announced to everyone she had ‘the diarrhea’ (like there is just one case of diarrhea that gets passed along- like fruitcake at Christmas), but now she was standing here threatening this women with a bowel movement.

The lady behind the counter was far more composed than I was, and said politely “I am sorry ma’am, we do not have a public bathroom.”

The woman did not take this well, and then shouted, “I gots the diarrhea, you don’t want me to dirty my pants,” after which she proceeded to try to open the employee door.

At this point, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I just looked at the saleslady and asked if we were on Spy TV or some spin-off of Candid Camera. She glanced at me nervously, when the woman yelled out again about her condition. At that point, people were getting noticeably unravelled, and I just looked at the woman behind the counter and said, “For the love of God would you please let that woman into your bathroom.”

And they did, thank God.

Funny Experience, Part Two OnPost + Comments

This is off-color, but the funniest thing my strange ranger best friend has ever said. He was a member of the wedding party for the wedding I went to on Saturday, and he proceeded to drink (by all accounts) all the champagne in the limo and then every glass at his table. After getting sufficiently plowed, he went outside for a smoke. We were all standing there, a group of people our age, and off tot he left of us were several members of both families of the bride and groom. My friend, in a drunken stupor, then asks loudly for all to hear,

“Who likes blow jobs and speaks some French?”

We all look at him, stunned and frightened at what he might say next, and mortified that he has already said what he has.

He then belts out “Moi!”

I almost choked to death on a vodka tonic.

This is off-color, but thePost + Comments