Channeling Scott Ott:
(2005-08-05) -- Taking a cue from the NCAA's decision to ban all Native American mascots during tournament play but allowing the mascots otherwise, the Pentagon today stated that all military hardware with Native American monikers will be immediately removed from combat operations or provided less offensive alternate names. The hardware would remain available under their current monikers for day-to-day training.
"What we are trying to say is that we find these nicknames unacceptable for use in combat, as it portrays a negative image of our military,' Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Air Force General Richard B. Myers in a press conference. "After all, the Army does have a checkered past when it comes to its relations with Native Americans."
As the removal of this hardware from combat operations could have a dramatic impact on the combat capabilities of numerous units, several staff aides worked round-the-clock to find an alternate solution. After hours of brainstorming, consensus was reached to provide the offending hardware with alternate nicknames when in theatre. Non-threatening animal names were deemed most appropriate.
For example, the AH-64A/D Apache Attack Helicopter, when deployed to combat operations, will now be known as the "Freedom Bird." Apaches equipped with LONGBOW fire control RADAR will be called the "Freedom Bird with Bird Droppings." The CH-47 Series Chinook cargo helicopter will be known as "Big Bird," while the RAH-66 Comanche will be known as "The Chicklet."
Additionally, the 82nd and 101st Airborne troops are under orders not to say ‘Geronimo’ during airdrop operations. Paratroopers will now say “I’m Sorry” as they leave the aircraft.*
A joint panel of service leaders was expected to be immediately convened to work on acceptable nicknames for all other hardware and to develop training courses for the transition. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was unwilling to comment.
See also Protein Wisdom, Macho Nachos, and Red State.
Laurence Simon
*applause*
Don Surber
I look forward to the changing of the name of Milwaukee, Logan County, and the states of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Soth Dakota, North Dakota, Iowa … (OK, my knowledge of the origins of the names of states seem to be stuck here) HAWAII!
Oh wait, Polynesian-American
Does that count?
Unum e pluribus, as Gore used to say
William Meyer
Is there no limit that the politically correct can recognize as being over the top? And do we really, as a society, have nothing better to do?
I can think of many more worthwhile things, like properly monitoring our borders, deporting however many millions of illegal aliens are now her, and torturing without end any extremist in our custody who has played any role in acting for the harm of this country.
Mr.Ortiz
Is this a joke? I can’t tell anymore.
Don: you can add Massachusettes and Connecticut to that list, and about a thousand small towns in the area. But those places have their names for historically valid reasons, not because some white guy thought it sounded cool. Otherwise we’d have to change the names of all the towns in California that have Spanish names but no hispanic residents other than “the help”.
Mike
Well, if we rename the War On Terra to the Glo…whatever-the-hell-the-name-is-War…oh struggle then OF COURSE we have to rename the systems used to fight it. Geez….
BumperStickerist
demimondian
You left out the interesting part: James Dobson has asked that pilots make sure that all names assigned to aircraft respect American values. In recognition of this, the Enola Gae has been renamed the “Enola Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”
ppGaz
Why in the world would anyone give a crap about the nickname of an athletic team one way or the other?
Mind you, I’m a sports fan. Do I care if the Seminoles become the Citrus Zest? Or not? Nooo.
All I care about is that the Giants beat the Dodgers, the Raiders beat Chiefs, the Red Sox beat the Yankees, the Niners beat the Cowboys.
I don’t care what they call the teams, as long as the right ones win.
John Cole
I added that BumperSticker. Too Funny.
ppGaz
… and the Wolverines beat the Buckeyes.
Call ’em the Michiganders and the Tiremakers, I don’t care.
Go Big Blue.
BoZ the Rider
This has to be bogus… I think it’s just someone venting their confusion as to why political correctness is so important?
Sure, I won’t call a black guy a nigger because it’s very derogatory, dating back to pre-civil war days. My boss is black, and even when I’m pissed at him I wouldn’t say he’s a nigger! But I would call him black, and he actually prefers that over “African-American.” Why? BECAUSE HE’S NOT FROM AFRICA! You don’t run around calling all those white folks “Anglo-Americans” do you? NO! Besides, I’m of German ancestry, and I’d be pretty upset if someone called me an Anglo. (kidding!)
My point is political correctness is a horrible thing when taken too far.
I’m still calling that damn helicopter an Apache… And really, who the hell says Geromino when they jump out of planes?
Hector
I look forward to the University of Southern California’s renaming its team. Too long have my brave, heroic, yet tragically doomed people been appropriated for a ridiculously bloodless pastime, fit only for slaves.
Next goal: our assault upon the Church & Dwight Company. Great warriors scatter their seed with abandon!
John S.
I”m not sure if all the snarking over this is entirely valid (or if this is even the same issue as sports mascots), since the General does have a point regarding military history with Native Americans.
After all, would anyone here seriously suggest that it would be a good idea to name troops in Iraq Towelhead Battalion or Camel Jockey Squadron?
demimondian
I’m looking forward to the renaming of Lake Winnepesaukee. I’ll finally be able to spell it without having to look it up.
John S.
And before you all start freaking out, I am kidding.
BoZ the Rider
Thats crazy. Everyone knows Camel Jockey isn’t a squadron.. It’s a humvee platoon!
Zifnab
I don’t know what they’re complaining about. If I had a major league basketball team named after me, or a twenty-million dollar attack helicopter for that matter, I’d be pissing myself with pride. I mean, the whole reason they give out these names is to make the namesake sound badass. You don’t see anyone naming their sports teams “The Jamestown Tobacco Farmers” much less their mechanized weapon divisions “Redneck A-100s”
OU
The common sense in me agrees with the consensus here, although it does seem kind of weird to keep racist mascots and sayings and such. I guess I don’t really care either way though, so…yeah.
Andrei
Agreed. Having teams named things the Washington Redskins is more like naming a team the San Antonio Wetbacks, Nashville Niggers or the Chicago Chinks. Just because we have years of history separating our sensitivity to the word “redskin” doesn’t mean it should be allowed to be used in the high profile way it is in the marketing-driven sports world.
The question of whether using any Native American tribes names in general is simply more of a policy issue for the military, and given the nature of the war machine, seems reasonable to exclude them in that context.
Obviously, there’s a line that is drawn about names and terms that are accpetable in every day use in our culture. Would anyone think it’s acceptable to call a team the Louisville Cocksuckers. Or maybe call a battelship the USS Cunt? Given that there is obviosuly a line that is drawn over what’s decent in naming something, the fact that some people in charge have decided to move that line to also include names that point to a period in our history that is a bit more questionable in terms of how our anscetors treated an entire population of people seems fine.
Don’t forget, the line is arbitrary anyways.
It really is about time this country did even the smallest part about recognizing just what it did to entire culture and people. Or at least not using those terms in high-profile marketing campaigns for things like a sports team. I personally think the NCAA made the right decision here in self-policing themselves. (I would vehemently oppose the issue if it was handed down by the government. I don’t think the issue warrants any attempts at legislation without obviously trampling on the first ammendment.) I think the Military following the NCAA’s lead is fine and probably even comendable. I still wait for the NFL to also do the right thing someday.
Why Cole decided to file this under General Studipity is beyond me though. It’s not about being politically correct or enforcing political correctness on the general masses, and nor is it stupid for the people in charge of of things like marketing mascots and sports teams to naming military hardware to show a little more respect for history.
I mean really… Would we respect German teams if they had decided to glorify an aspect of their past that was a bit questionable? Can we see marketing a soccer team called the Nuremberg Nazis? Or if they had a guy dressed in a Nazi officers uniform doing the San Diego Chicken dances at the World Cup? Maybe the Germans should start naming the military hardware after concentration camps?
Mr.Ortiz
I am reminded of a song:
Midshipman Enfield
I’m on HMS Cunt right now, what. You fookin’ septics can name another scow after President Carter if need be, but leave “the coont” alone. Worthless, biting cunts.
Steve
Are there teams that still have offensive names, though? Miami changed their name a while back. St. John’s changed their name. It seems like the NCAA is about 20 years behind the curve on this issue.
Kimmitt
Man, I hate those brown people, the way they’re always complaining that we committed genocide on them, and now use their names as shorthand for barbaric violence. Where the hell do they get off?
“Apache” is a really stupid and rather offensive name for an attack helipcopter, just like “Irish” would be a lousy name for, say, an artillery piece, or “Chicago Polock” really wouldn’t get the job done for a class of destroyers. We should show some basic courtesy. Since military hardware gets obsolete quickly, there’s no particular reason not to simply change our naming schemes.
It’s days like this that I’m kind of glad we ended up cancelling the Crusader, just because it was particularly poorly named for this particular day and age.
Name the weapons systems after specific great generals or warriors; name them after political leaders or fortiutous acronyms; name them after places which are part of our mighty empire. Just show some respect to those we’ve massacred by not lending their names to tools of war.
JL Mould
Heh. ppGaz is a Michigan fan?
Figures.
Cassidy
“After all, would anyone here seriously suggest that it would be a good idea to name troops in Iraq Towelhead Battalion or Camel Jockey Squadron?”
Those would be an improvement. We have some rather choice words for the Iraqui “Army”.
“Apache” is a really stupid and rather offensive name for an attack helipcopter”
That’s funny, because the Apache is the most feared attack helicopter on the planet. Which is kind of the point, actually. Using Native-American names should be seen as a sign of respect. Those guys could fight and wage war with the best of them.
ed in texas
Hey Kimmitt: simple fact is the EVERY model of army helicopters is named for indian tribes (I refuse to go PC in this explanation) i.e. Chinooks, Kiowa, Blackhawk, and Apache are current models, Commanche is the replacement for Apache. The previous models of ‘Huey’ and ‘Huey Cobra’ were actually the Iroquois series. (The designator was Utility Helicopter-Iroquois, with initials UHI which of course is pronounced ‘Huey’.)
ppGaz
Figures? Figures?
Half of my relatives live there, most of them in rural areas. Gun-totin’, ice-fishin’, sons and daughters of farmers and at least one lineman for the county who spent his adult Michigan winters freezing his ass off on telephone poles, and another who — as we speak — operates a small crane and spends his winters feezing his ass off dropping heavy equipment precisely into place on jobsites. Working class folk and farm folk. We also like car races and pig races and green bean casseroles. We like our Michigan football, and we deplore the fact that they took away Tiger Stadium.
What exactly did you “figure” for yourself, there, Mr. Mould?
Stormy70
You’ve gone too far this time.
ppGaz
I put that in there just for you.
Montana to Clark. Eat your heart out forever.
Some might say that the Immaculate Reception was a great and memorable play. It was, if a ricocheting football is your idea of a great play. But Montana to Clark — that was no accident. That was a great play.
Stormy70
Arghhh!
ppGaz
Sorry. You know that fandom is a roller coaster of big ups and bigger downs. The Niners were floormats for years. They were the latter-day Cardinals of their time, at times during their pre-Montana days. I think they won 2 or 3 games the year before Joe came on board. Their radio play by play man once said, during a game, that the only time the Niners were in real trouble was when they had the ball. They stunk.
So, you know, it comes and goes.
Montana to Clark — “The Catch” as it is known in the Bay Area. Great moments in sports history.
Steve
Kordell Stewart to Michael Westbrook. Now THAT was a great play.
mac Buckets
So let me get this straight: According to the whining mini-minority of Native Americans, sports teams name themselves after Native Americans out of derision, hostility and abuse? Brilliant. So for a couple centuries now, Illinois alumni have been insulting themselves by calling its teams “Illini?” Makes perfect sense.
I don’t want to deride the mental health of this mini-minority of native American people, but it will take teams of psychiatrists working around the clock to get these whiners to work through their inferiority issues.
Only the NCAA is so full of dunderheads and pantywaists as to buy such a patently ridiculous notion. They’ve kept their record perfect as far as doing whatever it takes to make the wrong decision.
Barbaric violence? Yeah, that’s why the Atlanta Braves are called that. They’re so blood-thirsty, those baseball players! And forget about Marquette’s basketball team — opponents are lucky to get out of there alive after a conference game!
I may be cynical, but perhaps the tribes are just pissed that North Dakota sells a few hundred shirts with Sioux on it, and don’t kick the tribe a few bucks.
Kimmitt
mac Buckets, you’ll note that I was referring to a weapons system in particular.
JL Mould
ppGaz–
My folks are regular hard-working folk too. Ohio born and bred.
You just seem pissed off a lot, and now I know why.
Nothing more than that.
JL Mould
(ppGaz, no offense. It’s not often I get to take a swipe at a Michigan fan while we are on an upswing…so. All in good love and hope?)