Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

I was promised a recession.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

The worst democrat is better than the best republican.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

A sufficient plurality of insane, greedy people can tank any democratic system ever devised, apparently.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

When your entire life is steeped in white supremacy, equality feels like discrimination.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

A democracy can’t function when people can’t distinguish facts from lies.

Pessimism assures that nothing of any importance will change.

Accused of treason; bitches about the ratings. I am in awe.

This really is a full service blog.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Good lord, these people are nuts.

Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

We still have time to mess this up!

The GOP couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.

You are here: Home / Look Out of Any Window

Look Out of Any Window

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Here’s the trailer for “Harmless”, an indy Christian horror film, featuring the nightmare that ensues after Dad busts out his giant box of porn. Unfortunately, judging from the $12,500 budget (of which only $225 is now funded on Kickstarter), this trailer may be all we see of Harmless, even though it’s supposed to get a theatrical release in October.

I’ll admit that it looks a hell of a lot more interesting than Atlas Shrugged, but who the hell keeps their porn in a giant cardboard box? Also, too: don’t miss the grade schooler Tebowing after making a basket.

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63Comments

  3. 3.

    Downpuppy

    $225 can at least buy a big box full of old magazines at Midnight Market, although I suspect that they already have a full stock.

  4. 4.

    Cris (without an H)

    Speaking of Atlas Shrugged, I just now got an ad (on Accuweather.com) linking to whoisjohngalt.com, claiming that Part II is due in theaters this October. I guess they found another angel investor!

  5. 5.

    David Fud

    My buddy bought a “giant box of porn” for cheap off of craigslist quite awhile back before he moved to Azerbaijan. It was made of cardboard. (He didn’t take the porn with him and sold it the exact same way.)

    Would you keep your porn in a great big golden box or something? Am I missing something about containers here?

  6. 6.

    Drunken hausfrau

    Seriously? A “horror” film? Should we all watch it on our fainting couches, just in case?

  7. 7.

    Schlemizel

    I took all my porn out of the cardboard box it came in. But I kept the disks that came with it in case I have to reload my porn accessing machine 8-{D

  9. 9.

    Southern Beale

    Where are you supposed to keep your porn?

    Don’t underestimate the willingness of Fundiegelical types to finance this stuff. There’s that indie Christian movie about the girl who survived her own abortion.

  12. 12.

    Persia

    @MB: Seriously, this could be the comedy hit of the fall.

    ETA:

    From the kickstarter:

    Remember Paranormal Activity? That was made for $10,000 and went on to be one of the most successful films of all time.

    Well, I knew you guys remembered Paranormal Activity, considering how much of the concept you ripped off in just the trailer.

  13. 13.

    Hawes

    I used to keep my pron in a mahogany, glass doored bookcase, ensconced in finest Corinthian leather.

    Then I got the internet.

    I do applaud the filmmakers for tackling these important issues from the late ’80s and early ’90s.

  15. 15.

    billiecat

    From the website: “It’s the story about a husband and father and his battle with a box of porn that is found in the closet. Once opened, the box of porn begins to torment the family, much like a poltergeist.”

    This. Could. Be. Hilarious.

    “Imma Box of Porn! Arrgh! Argh!”

  16. 16.

    Comrade Dread

    This is like a 70’s Jack Chick tract brought to life.

    The kind of stuff that made me afraid of God as a child, like an abusive stepparent. Step outta line and God’s gonna let the devil torture ya, muahahahah.

    I’m only now, some thirty years later rediscovering Jesus through the gospels and His message thus far has been calling his disciples to live fully, in harmony with God and with their fellow man and that to fail to do that is to live life in a haze, a darkness where there is misery. When He calls us to live in holiness and to live in love, He is doing so because He wants us to truly and fully live our lives.

    Porn demons have yet to be mentioned, but I’ll keep my eye out.

  17. 17.

    MoeLarryAndJesus

    They could probably boost funding if they changed the title to “The Bare Bitch Project” and hired Amy Fisher to play the wife.

  19. 19.

    Enhanced Voting Techniques

    A horror movie based on masturbation. What does the kid devolve an obsessive Oedipus complex for his mother?

  20. 20.

    Tonybrown74

    BLINK BLINK

    Ha ..

    Ha HA ha …

    Ha HAHA ha ..

    HahaHAhahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAhahahaHA …

  23. 23.

    Jennifer

    Ok, maybe it was the use of the name. Has someone recently been banned and I don’t know about it? Say, someone whose screenname is synonomous with the scary girl from The Ring? Someone with the initials SM? Is that why my comment won’t post?

    Anyway, it looks like SM (the original, from The Ring, has at least a cameo role in this. Which is AWESOME.

  26. 26.

    Jennifer

    … who the hell keeps their porn in a giant cardboard box?

    People who LIVE IN GIANT CARDBOARD BOXES, that’s who!

    Also, too: change the title to Gormless.

  29. 29.

    WJS

    So, his box of porn is bigger than her box of porn? Or did he borrow her Brazilian Tranny Gang Bang DVD without asking? I’m confused as to what the problem is here.

  30. 30.

    Cassidy

    You know, 5 minutes a day fixes all the problems in the world. She should be happy he has his big box of wank.

  32. 32.

    Dave

    @Comrade Dread: I loved the Chick tracts. I saw my first one at a campground . Someone had left it on a picnic table. It foretold of a future when heathens created a one-world government, ate other people’s pets for food and killed Christians.

    I couldn’t have been more than 10, and even then I knew it was over-the-top bullshit.

  34. 34.

    EdTheRed

    It’s just a box of porn
    I don’t know who put it there
    Believe it if you need it
    or leave it if you dare
    But it’s just a box of porn
    or a ribbon for your hair
    Such a long long time to be gone
    and a short time to be there

  37. 37.

    Calming Influence

    I recommend a large number of smaller boxes, of uniform size for easy stacking. And get a label maker.

  38. 38.

    Calming Influence

    @EdTheRed:
    sittin’ and starin’ at my giant box of porn
    God I think they’re gonna kick the door in again

  40. 40.

    Anita

    Kirk Cameron is scurrying furtively in a walk-in closet, concealing a box. A box full of what? Hair? Pictures of Rachel Maddow in blue jeans? Is the Octomom in there? What does it contain, this large cardboard box that he tucks behind his golf clubs and life-size cut out of Ray Comfort? No one knows, but he hides it, carefully, making sure the evils of the world do not come out of the box. He is the one protecting us from the Penthouse on Haunted Hill. He is all that stands between us and lots of people having sex outside of marriage on film and other people possibly masturbating.

    Satisfied that the box is hidden, he logs onto his computer and realizes that 90% of what he sees involves naked people. Not naked like the Garden of Eden. Sweat beads on his forehead. He races back to the closet and sees the box is open, boobies spilling out, shaved balls hurtling from the cardboard flaps, sex demons rushing toward him. He is a modern Pandora and he has failed. But Jesus! Jesus and stuff! The evils are averted, Kirk hugs his wife, their genitals careful not to touch underneath layers of clothing. They are safe again. Because Jesus. And stuff.

    That was the movie they wanted to make but after the ridiculous failure of “The Life Zone,” all anyone could afford was a cardboard box full of raunchy 70s porn, an iPhone to film, and someone to say “CCCCKKKKKXXXSSS” in between takes to emulate “Paranormal Activity.”

  43. 43.

    Waco Johnnie Dean

    Not to spoil the film, but my guess is the “monsters” are women who were raped by men addicted to porn. Porn is not Harmless, after all.

  45. 45.

    Liberty60

    A little OT, but the comment about the child Tebowing made me think of the alternate reality in which the right inhabits.
    I had occasion to talk with a kindly older white gentleman from my church this Sunday; he told me matter of factly about how he was worried about the “assault on Christianity” that is happening in America.
    He relayed a story in which a child was reading the Bible at recess; another child wandered by, and said it looked ery interesting, and could he have a copy? The first child agreed, and brought a copy the next day.
    Immediately the teacher swooped in and confiscated the Bibles, and both students were expelled.

    Yeah, I know. This guy was not shitting me, he actually believed this.

    On Planet Wingut, little children prefer to read the Bible at recess, unlike those other weirdo kids who prefer to run and play. And other kids find the Bible so fascinating they beg for their own copy. And teachers (obviously leftwing, union, and maybe even- y’know, hairylegged and braless) snatch the Bible from innocent young fingers.

    So yes, I do think there will be plenty of older, rural, white hands writing out checks to support a movie that shows the horrors of cardboard boxes full of stero-opticon slides 8MM VCR tapes DVD porn.

  47. 47.

    RalfW

    Right wing “christians” got another scalp: Grenell Resigns From Romney Campaign (h/t Foolish Literalist)

    Of course the toady blames “hyperpartisanship.” Only this time, it’s the far right launching the most effective bombs.

    Grenell’s protestation that Romney didn’t have a problem with teh ghey is simply not credible.

  48. 48.

    JGabriel

    mistermix @ Top:

    … who the hell keeps their porn in a giant cardboard box?

    [JGabriel surreptitiously kicks box under bed when no one is looking.]

    [Pause]

    [Whistles as innocently as he does tunelessly]

    .

  49. 49.

    JGabriel

    __
    __
    @EdTheRed:

    This Is Just To Say

    I have watched
    the porn
    that was in
    the cardboard box

    and which
    you were probably
    saving
    for breakfast

    Forgive me
    it was delicious
    so sweet
    and at just the right room temperature.

    .

  51. 51.

    Citizen_X

    What, does dad find a copy of The Wankronomicon?

    And I assume Santa is involved, too, because apparently part of the movie takes place at the North Pole.

    Hmm. North Pole. Maybe Peter North plays Evil Santa.

  52. 52.

    meadrus

    Please tell me the first thing out of the box is Paul Rudd’s homemade VHS compilation “Boner Jams ’03” from 40 Year Old Virgin, followed by “Harry Twatter” and “School of C-ck.”

  53. 53.

    Marcellus Shale, Public Dick

    i guess a big cardboard box of prawn is fine, but if you are committed to it, you keep your best stuff in a temperature and humidity controlled cumidor.

    i also make them and sell them, size and capacity to order. funny that my prawn hobby led me to woodworking of another sort?

  54. 54.

    28 Percent

    @JGabriel:

    William Carlos Williams FTW. I was put in mind of doing something similar with Yeats, but when I looked at it, I realized that it already reads like a review of this trailer:

    I HAVE heard that hysterical women say
    They are sick of the palette and fiddle-bow.
    Of poets that are always gay,
    For everybody knows or else should know
    That if nothing drastic is done
    Aeroplane and Zeppelin will come out.
    Pitch like King Billy bomb-balls in
    Until the town lie beaten flat.

    How silly can you get?

  55. 55.

    LanceThruster

    I’d never use a ‘giant’ cardboard box…it’d be as big as a cargo container. You use many smaller ones in order to break it down by genres and such.

  57. 57.

    The Other Chuck

    @Liberty60:

    I find that just sowing some doubt in the mind of the story-teller helps out a lot. “Really, wow, let me google for some details on that. Know where you read about this? What school was that? Okay, what state? Okay, ballpark for the year this happened?”

    After a while, you say “Hm, maybe someone told you a tall tale? Just saying that’s possible…”

    Took this gradual approach with one family acquaintance, and before you know it she switched from chain-mail-forwarding me the latest rumors to being the first one to reply-all them with snopes.com links. I was so proud. Credulity does appear to be curable sometimes.

  58. 58.

    KevinNYC

    Yes, it’s a paranormal activity ripoff. Yes, a Christian horror-film about a evil box of supernatural porn is kooky. (It’s called sub-text for a reason!). However, it seems like a good little indie film. I particularly liked the ice visuals.

    But Tebowing after making a basket is a terrible way to play basketball and should get you bench….when you score in football, play stops, but not in basketball.

  59. 59.

    porlob

    This trailer taught me an important moral lesson. That lesson is that if you press the arrow keys while a youtube video is loading, you get to play a game of Snake.

  60. 60.

    debg

    @TBogg: TBogg, you must have known I was praying that you’d jump on this bandwagon. Please please pretty-please lampoon this shite on your page! I could use the laughs as I’m grading college papers tonight.

  62. 62.

    Death Panel Truck

    I still have my original copy of the April 1978 Playboy, featuring Playmate of the Month Pamela Jean Bryant.

    Who was OHMYMOTHERFUCKINGGODHOTTERTHANHELL. I was saddened to learn of her untimely death a year and a half ago. She helped get me through puberty.

    Oh, Jeebus…did I just say that out loud? ;)

  63. 63.

    Uncle Ebeneezer

    I just wanna see what’s in the box. What do Christians consider threatening porn? And how will they show it visually? Will it be some old Marilyn Monroe era Playboys? Maybe some soft-core skinemax videos? Girl-girl action? I have to guess that they will keep it relatively mellow to leave room for the sequel when 10 years later the wife finds gay porn on the home computer. Harmless 2: This Time It’s Viral!!!

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