Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

Just because you believe it, that doesn’t make it true.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

The next time the wall street journal editorial board speaks the truth will be the first.

Roe isn’t about choice, it’s about freedom.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

You can’t love your country only when you win.

“Squeaker” McCarthy

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

I did not have this on my fuck 2022 bingo card.

The GOP is a fucking disgrace.

Optimism opens the door to great things.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

The revolution will be supervised.

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

Let’s finish the job.

It’s time for the GOP to dust off that post-2012 autopsy, completely ignore it, and light the party on fire again.

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

Prediction: the GOP will rethink its strategy of boycotting future committees.

You are here: Home / Food & Recipes / Crock Pot Craziness / Black Lady Making Sammiches for the Cranky Man

Black Lady Making Sammiches for the Cranky Man

by | 162 Comments

This post is in: ,

Cole (or JG as his friends and family call him) lovingly dotes on his tomatoes, and it shows. They are delicious. He packed a cooler of snacks so we don’t have to eat fast food. He’s full of good ideas.

20120902-145507.jpg

He is being a big baby about “unauthorized photos,” but that isn’t going to stop us from trying:

20120902-150813.jpg

I scolded him and said that the people paid for our trip, so we should give the people what they want. His response? “Fuck the people.” And people** say, I’m the angry one:

20120902-150644.jpg

You’re welcome.

**Yeah, I know. Self-titled and all that. Just go with it.

[cross-posted at ABLC]

Reader Interactions

162Comments

  1. 1.

    Alexandra

    Love it. Am looking forward to this series and hope you all have a fab time. More like this, please. :)

  2. 2.

    Corner Stone

    I predict that 6 months from now the official song of this ill-fated trip will be Jar of Hearts.

  4. 4.

    General Stuck

    by Traveling cross country with John Cole steering the car, you will never have to prove your courage in any other way, ABL.

    And if you run across Steph Cutter, please say hi for me.

  6. 6.

    Trentrunner

    Somebody needs to load that awesome gif of Obama, Hillary, and Michelle in the jeep dancing away and looking awesome. ‘Cuz that looks like what youse guys are doin now.

  7. 7.

    Corner Stone

    The remnants of what looks like a pimento cheese sandwich in one hand, and a towel over his head driving down the freeway of love.
    Yep, he’s from WV.

  8. 8.

    Ms. D. Ranged in AZ (formerly IrishGirl)

    I think a paper bag would have been even better, but certainly not safer. Cole, pretty please give us a photo of you with a genuine smile…. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssssseeee? /bats eyelashes with pouty lips

    Ok that’s all the begging I have in me for next 20 years. I hope you are happy in your non-smiling kind of way.

  9. 9.

    Ash Can

    ABL, I don’t know if you and Heather want to be riding in a car whose driver has wrapped a towel around his head.

    And WTF? Cole keeps crabbing about his girth, yet he insists upon wearing shirts with horizontal stripes?

  10. 10.

    gogol's wife

    God, I have to get some work done some of the time. How can I tear myself away from this saga? And they aren’t even at the convention yet! This coming week is the first week of school. I can’t afford to be reading Balloon Juice all day.

  18. 18.

    Corner Stone

    I can’t tell you how much I hate that Bud Light commercial with the “The Hound”, “Mr. Easy” and “The Fixer” in it.

  21. 21.

    khead

    Tomorrow’s headline in WV papers:

    “17 mile back up on I-77 after man flips car while eating sandwich.”

  25. 25.

    Corner Stone

    @khead: “The tomato slipped outta my sandwich, hit the floorboard and rolled under my seat. I…I couldn’t just leave it there.”

  26. 26.

    arguingwithsignposts

    @General Stuck:

    by Traveling cross country with John Cole steering the car, you will never have to prove your courage in any other way, ABL.

    Okay, let’s get this out of the way right now, WV to NC is not cross-country. It’s around a six-hour drive, which will get you halfway across Texas.

  28. 28.

    danah gaz

    @Ash Can: “ABL, I don’t know if you and Heather want to be riding in a car whose driver has wrapped a towel around his head.”

    If this was the metric I used it would be a lot more difficult for me to catch a cab in seattle. Just sayin’

    To their credit, the cabbies don’t obscure their vision with them, so I think John’s just doing it wrong.

  30. 30.

    quannlace

    :

    OT: The king is dead.

    One of the weirdest things I heard about him is that he was the largest owner of sushi restaurants in the US.

  34. 34.

    khead

    @dance around in your bones:

    Weird. Really OT, but “The Unknown Terrorist” reminded me – I watched the Gong Show Movie for the first time last week. Damn them folks did some serious drugs.

    Also, if ABL and Cole make it past Wytheville before the car flip, make it a 25 mile back up. That part of I-77 blows.

  36. 36.

    Libby

    So glad there will be photographic evidence of this epic trip. And packing food is wise. If memory serves, there aren’t a whole lot of easy on/off fast food places on that highway until you’re about an hour out from Charlotte.

  39. 39.

    Elizabelle

    @raven:

    Heather would be in the passenger seat. ABL had the sense to insist on sitting in back.**

    Is it a rental vehicle? Keys look like that …

    ** ETA: Although she can sit anywhere she damn pleases, in this blog and in real life.

    I hope you guys have a toy dog strapped to the roof. With a banner of some sort.

  41. 41.

    Comrade Mary

    Ha! When I first looked at that photo, I thought ABL had a lollipop in her mouth, but she’s holding a knife instead. Hard.Core.

    I’m just catching up with the blog (Le Guy was back in town last night after weeks away, so I was fully occupied and AFK), but I love, love, love the photos and the fun (and the arrival of Heather — hi, Heather!). And I think I’m developing a bit of a fetish for John’s forearms. John, do not underestimate the effect on women when they encounter a tall, cranky but funny animal lover, especially when backed up by forearms like those. /fans self

  42. 42.

    dance around in your bones

    @raven:

    Put ’em through a sifter and suck ’em up.

    Well, back in the day. Now, there’s the Volcano!

  45. 45.

    Allan

    As far as distracted driving is concerned, I think the bigger danger for JG is Imani’s cleavage in the rear view mirror.

    Eyes front, young man!

  46. 46.

    General Stuck

    @arguingwithsignposts:

    ‘Cross country’ means driving from point a to b in America. Across country, would be driving across country. It is why long distance running is called ‘cross country running’ even though it isn’t coast to coast and is a few miles.

  47. 47.

    raven

    @khead: Especially in a blizzard! I’ll have to dig around for the pix of 2 years ago at Xmas when we lit out from Blacksburg against all advice and made it to Athens. If the new bypass around Charlotte hadn’t been there we would have been screwed.

  49. 49.

    dance around in your bones

    @khead:

    Weird. Really OT, but “The Unknown Terrorist” reminded me – I watched the Gong Show Movie for the first time last week. Damn them folks did some serious drugs.

    It was even better if you were on serious drugs whilst watching.

    ETA: The original Gong Show. (shoulda been called the Bong Show).

  51. 51.

    Libby

    Just occurred to me if I was more ambitious, I could make a big old Balloon Juice banner and hang it off an overpass to cheer you all on… Sadly I’m too lazy to do that.

  53. 53.

    NonyNony

    @RP:

    I’m pretty sure “f**k the people” is the new slogan Obama’s going to roll out this week.

    The Romney/Ryan campaign are already using that one, so Obama’s going to have to come up with something else.

  57. 57.

    Ann Rynd

    Just as I was getting used to John having an actual face, now comes ABL in a tubetop. Stop this trip right now. Too much to retain. Not fair. There will be blood.! Gagh!
    (Takes a modest Shirley Maclain bow. Exunt stage left)

  58. 58.

    Libby

    @raven: Ha! I don’t think they have fast food there yet. But I bet the diner is good.

    And seriously, there’s some little diner on the Virginia border that is world famous for its pork chop sandwiches. I’m told they bring tour buses there. But it closes at 2:00pm.

  62. 62.

    me

    @raven:

    “Words cannot convey my heart at this time,” said Thomas P. McDevitt, president of The Washington Times. “Rev. Sun Myung Moon has long loved America, and he believed in the need for a powerful free press to convey accurate information and moral values to people in a free world. The Washington Times stands as a tangible expression of those two loves.”

    His employees genuflect…

  64. 64.

    YellowJournalism

    This looks like promo pics for the strangest episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives ever.

  67. 67.

    JPL

    Does this mean that ABL and BJ are not going to be on the campaign conference call with the President this afternoon?
    I sent in a question. I think you probably get the invite randomly although I did send in one nice check.

  69. 69.

    khead

    @raven:

    My brother and sister both lived in Charlotte when I was @ Va Tech. I would set that road on fire some weekends. Just a miracle I never got a ticket in Wythe Co.

    A lot of weekends, though, that road will back up around Wytheville due to all the fine WV folks doing their best to help 77 live up to its “Hillbilly Highway” nickname.

  70. 70.

    Corner Stone

    @Dennis SGMM: The only thing that scene proves is that we should stop killing innovation in the long haul trucker industry, and deregulate asap to help the true job creators.

  72. 72.

    lamh35

    Man, now I wanna join the damn roadtrip.

    ya’ll look like ya’ll having too much fun. When do ya’ll get to Charlotte?

  75. 75.

    Ann Rynd

    Just saw a video of ABL. A total fucking star is born (and borne to conventionland.) She will be on Chris Matthews within a year. As soon as she learns to look at the cam’ra. Girl, please.

  76. 76.

    dewzke

    http://oneteachersperspective.blogspot.com/2012/08/a-tale-of-two-janesvillians-paul-ryan-me.html

    This is a comparison by someone roughly the same age as Paul Ryan who
    grew up in
    Janesville with a quite similar background to Ryan who came to an opposite view
    of the helping hand government and public services provide. It is well written
    with informed source citations. It describes their similarities –strong
    Catholic upbringings, the death of their fathers– and their differences
    –wealth and poverty, private schools and public schools. I found the blog
    referenced on the WEAC Facebook page.

    —
    “When you ignore the pain of others, you diminish your own humanity.”

    …Billy Hayes, Author of Midnight Express and Midnight Return

    “It was once said that the moral test of government is how that
    government treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children;
    those who are in the twilight of life, the elderly; and those who are
    in the shadows of life, the sick, the needy and the handicapped. ”

    …Hubert H. Humphrey

  83. 83.

    Comrade Mary

    OMG, I love the video, ABL! I think a cap taken from one of the sections where you WIDEN YOUR EYES could be at risk of turning into a variation of Overly Attached Girlfriend. Not that I’m doing that or advising anyone to do that.

  84. 84.

    Libby

    @raven: Been stuck in Wytheville a few times. It’s a pretty place when you get off the highway but find it hard to get around in that town. Don’t think I’ve seen the Log Cabin. The highway interchange is deadly through that stretch. I’m always glad to either get through it or get off it for the night.

  88. 88.

    raven

    @Libby: We were at Smith Mountain Lake when it got shit down between Blacksburg and Roanoke and all those people were stranded. On the upside Bohdi loves to bark at all those cows around there!

  89. 89.

    Randy P

    @dance around in your bones: I used to watch it as a kid. No drugs. As a young curmudgeon-in-training, I remember often I would grouse that no matter how good and truly original the novelty acts were, 9 times out of 10 a lounge singer would win.

    Edited to Add: The banner ad is for a dating site with the tag line “We don’t like younger men, we want men like you.” What exactly triggers these ads? This is a little scary.

  91. 91.

    dance around in your bones

    @Dennis SGMM:

    That was hysterical. I sorta forgot about Tom Lehrer so thanks for reminding me.

    “drink the wine, chew the wafer
    2-4-6-8 time to transubstantiate”

    ::disappears down the YouTube hole for a while::

  93. 93.

    The Dangerman

    If you see any stray Jack Russell’s while driving down the road, try not to lock up the brakes while stopping.

  94. 94.

    raven

    @khead: I’m an honorary Hokie. While my father-in-law was alive he would give me $100 for my birthday and I had to buy a Hokie Club Membership with the dough so he got points! That man loved his Hokies with an incredible passion. Even took the entire family to the Easy for the National Championship.

  95. 95.

    Corner Stone

    @raven:

    when it got shit down between Blacksburg and Roanoke and all those people were stranded.

    That sounds truly offal.

  98. 98.

    JPL

    I don’t know where the picture was taken but I do have to say the trees are definitely not the right height. They aren’t even.

  99. 99.

    Dennis SGMM

    @dance around in your bones:

    Jesus Fuck – how many cars did they have to kill to film that scene?

    Lots. Digital Dimension did the log bouncing scene and everyone swears that there were no CG cars in the film. I would add that I look just like Cary Grant in his touch-of-grey years.

  100. 100.

    raven

    @dance around in your bones: The Vatican Rag, almost as funny as Send the Marines

    When someone makes a move
    Of which we don’t approve,
    Who is it that always intervenes?
    U.N. and O.A.S.,
    They have their place, I guess,
    But first send the Marines!

    We’ll send them all we’ve got,
    John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
    Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
    To the shores of Tripoli,
    But not to Mississippoli,

    What do we do? We send the Marines!
    For might makes right,
    And till they’ve seen the light,
    They’ve got to be protected,
    All their rights respected,
    ‘Till somebody we like can be elected.

    Members of the corps
    All hate the thought of war,
    They’d rather kill them off by peaceful means.
    Stop calling it aggression,
    O we hate that expression.
    We only want the world to know
    That we support the status quo.
    They love us everywhere we go,
    So when in doubt,
    Send the Marines!

  106. 106.

    dance around in your bones

    @Dennis SGMM:

    I would add that I look just like Cary Grant in his touch-of-grey years.

    And I look just like Morgan Fairchild! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

  107. 107.

    Heather

    Ya’ll are hilarious.

    “How shall we fuck off, O Lord?”

    Alright, I can’t get away with too much backtalk. I’m in the side-seat. He can reach me.

  109. 109.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Comrade Mary:

    Ha! When I first looked at that photo, I thought ABL had a lollipop in her mouth, but she’s holding a knife instead. Hard.Core.

    I thought it was a cigarette.

  110. 110.

    Seanly

    Won’t we all see John when he’s giving the speech right before Obama’s? I suggest he ditch the cranky guy yelling at an empty chair schtick though – apparently it’s been done.

  115. 115.

    Randy P

    @Violet: I love it just for the “discahvered/Hahverd” rhyme at the end.

    Tom Lehrer is my hero.

    “All the world is in tune, on a spring afternoon, as we’re poisoning pigeons in the park…”

  117. 117.

    JPL

    OT.. This afternoon a friend who leans republican at first decided not to vote but after listening to Romney’s acceptance speech is voting for Obama because she wants her vote to count. She lives in FL but it wasn’t about Medicare it was about his lack of specifics.

  118. 118.

    khead

    @Heather:

    Position yourself in an upper corner of the back seat where he can’t reach you. Like Spiderman in the corner of a building. It used to work for me on family roadtrips because we had a crappy ’68 Cadillac that was as big as a small boat. Dad just hit air.

    Of course if he stops the car, well, you are on your own then.

  119. 119.

    Libby

    @raven: You get stranded on that stretch and there’s really no where to go. Beautiful mountains, but a bitch to drive. Back roads are worse than the highway. Prettier and no traffic but so slow and curvy. Just about blew my brakes coming down the switchbacks off the mountains into Roanoke.

  120. 120.

    Dennis SGMM

    Just one note of caution. Unless things have changed, there are some hard, dangerous, fucks down in the American South. Keep your eyes open, kids, and know when to keep your mouths shut.

  124. 124.

    Violet

    @Randy P: Any Daniel Radcliffe/Harry Potter fans out there? Here’s Daniel Radcliffe singing “The Elements”. Link. Apparently he loves Tom Lehrer. My estimation of Mr. Radcliffe has gone up quite a bit, finding that out.

  128. 128.

    Violet

    @PurpleGirl: Never. Ever. Heh.

    Also, be sure to ask him about the shoulder surgery that was required after he carried his dear, sweet Lily and her delicate paws over the mean, cold, fierce snow on the front stoop so she could complete her nightly piddle.

  129. 129.

    khead

    @raven:

    Wow. That reference brings back some memories.

    I used to drive that road with a nice college girl(s) on a fall weekend….

  131. 131.

    JPL

    @raven: When I first moved here, my neighbor was black. We got lost in Forsyth County and I had to go ask for directions. I locked her in the car and told her under no circumstances was she to unlock it. Of course, the KKK had a parade their the year before. You are right that times are changing but Etowah County doesn’t exactly have open arms to outsiders.

  133. 133.

    Dennis SGMM

    @raven:
    Please don’t get me wrong; I love Southerners. They are the best story tellers in the world. Most of the folks I met were good and hospitable beyond the imagining of people who haven’t been there. That said, there were some lines that you just didn’t cross back in the day. Those nice folks would put you down and dispose of you just as easily as they made biscuits and gravy for breakfast. This was in the interior of Luzianne so maybe the places where Cole and company are headed are more mellow.

  134. 134.

    RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist

    @Dennis SGMM:

    Just one note of caution. Unless things have changed, there are some hard, dangerous, fucks down in the American South. Keep your eyes open, kids, and know when to keep your mouths shut.

    Not Charlotte, in my experience. People still N-bombed, but only when it was just us white folks. The city is pretty cosmopolitan and as a Yankee I had no problems there. Now Georgia, on the other hand…

  136. 136.

    Libby

    @raven: Don’t know that road. Had to look it up. Never been on it. But we’re talking about I-81 and I would think our intrepid travelers would be taking 77 down. Nicer drive and probably more direct from the middle of nowhere in WVA.

  137. 137.

    Schlemizel

    @dance around in your bones: TL is GOD!
    “We’ll try to stay serene and calm
    when Alabama gets the bomb”
    – Whos next?

    “Just step out for a breath of air
    and you’ll be ready for medicare”
    – Don’t drink the water aka the environment song

    I have his box set, best money I spent outside of the engagement ring I gave Mrs. S

  139. 139.

    Violet

    @Libby: I just drove I-77 from WV south a month ago or so. Perfectly nice road. Plenty of places to stop off for refueling, etc. The Angry/Cranky tour should get to Charlotte without any troubles.

  141. 141.

    RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist

    I’m sort of with Cole on the photography. I don’t like having my picture taken. I know it’s a minority opinion but I feel you should ask first and honor people’s wishes.
    This road trip however is History in the Making and it would short change future generations if there wasn’t full documentation.

  142. 142.

    RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist

    I had to drive from Detroit to Charlotte for my regular commute on 9/12/01 because I couldn’t fly. Paid $50 for 10 gals of gas in WV and that stung. Pretty easy trip, though.

  143. 143.

    Chuck Butcher

    good grief, the way some of you act you’d think they were taking a trip to the dark side of the moon. Maybe that’s just the reaction of somebody like me who has been all over the damn place on a Harley… but for pete’s sake – it isn’t even a day’s drive.

  144. 144.

    dance around in your bones

    @Schlemizel:

    Oh, gawd, I remember the Pollution song from when I was a kid!

    “Pollution, pollution, you can use the latest toothpaste…

    Then rinse your mouth with industrial waste”

    Cracked me up then.

  146. 146.

    khead

    @RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:

    Not Charlotte, in my experience. People still N-bombed, but only when it was just us white folks. The city is pretty cosmopolitan and as a Yankee I had no problems there. Now Georgia, on the other hand…

    Well sure. I mean, nothing says “cosmopolitan” more than N-bombing around only the white folks.

  147. 147.

    Libby

    @Violet: I’ve only been on it above Wytheville a couple of times and its been a while. Lat time I think I picked it up all the way up at Rt 70 at around Columbus OH. Gorgeous road and not a lot of traffic. But I seem to recall long stretches with pretty much nothing. I do recall there being several bigger towns with gas but when I’m highway driving, I want a really easy off and on. Try to hit the travel plazas above or below the big towns so I’m not driving for 15 minutes through traffic just to get gas. Don’t recall there being many of those. Of course, I also am fussy about which brand of gas I use so maybe it was just there weren’t many Shell stations.

    Sadly don’t often have a reason to drive that stretch. Generally heading north to go to Connecticut and it’s just too far out of the way, so I battle the traffic on 81.

  148. 148.

    Citizen_X

    @Ash Can:

    Cole keeps crabbing about his girth, yet he insists upon wearing shirts with horizontal stripes?

    Fucking ruggers, what can you do?

    OK, he’s a LAXer. That’s much better: American Indian insanity and violence, instead of drunken Brit insanity and violence.

    But–like a rugger/LAXer–Cole’s got a lot more meat on his bones than he lets on. Which is why Comrade Mary can go on about his forearms. Nobody’s gonna say that about a guy who’s all fat.

    ETA: That Tunch guy is another matter.

  150. 150.

    PurpleGirl

    @RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: One must watch out for karma, though. I know a guy in science fiction fandom who walks around with several cameras and takes pictures constantly but who never wanted a picture taken of himself. He found ways to ruin any picture someone tried to take. However, comes the day his mother wins a Nobel prize and the NYTimes insists on a family shot of him with both his parents. (It’s also on the front page of the paper.) Several months later another friend in fandom gifts him with a 6×4 foot enlargement of the Times picture for his birthday.

  152. 152.

    Libby

    @khead: Charlotte is fine. Big enough city to have resident freaks and hippies. They even elect Democrats to office there. Up here, about an hour north, there is not a single Democrat in any elected office in my county. They don’t shoot hippies here either, but the good church-going folks do have a habit of dropping the ni-clang pretty damn casually among themselves.

  153. 153.

    RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist

    @PurpleGirl:

    Yeah, publishing was what nailed me. I wrote some articles and got photo-ed at Maker Faire Detroit. Next thing I know I’m in Boing Boing. Rats.

  154. 154.

    khead

    @Libby:

    I agree that Charlotte is fine.

    But…

    I’m not the one that said Charlotte was cosmopolitan even though there are white folks running around droppping N-bombs. That was pretty bad.

    In addition, I’m gonna guess that even Lenny Bruce wouldn’t be so stupid as to think that because some folks have good enough sense to not drop the N-word in mixed company that this is a compliment to the city of Charlotte.

  158. 158.

    Heather

    @Linda Featheringill: I asked. He told me. During most of the story, I was all:

    Oh noes! That’s awful! Poor you! :(

    Until the end. Then it was like this:

    o.O … sigh.

    That’s how it’s been for a lot of this trip, actually. Cole and I have an amusing dynamic. Cole will say something cynical and cranky, and I’m all, “CHEERFUL CHEERY CHEER!” He mutters something that I probably am happier not hearing clearly. Then I poke him and say “Beep!”

    I expect he’ll murder me soon.

  159. 159.

    Ronzoni Rigatoni

    I always thought NC was relatively “progressive” fo’ a southern state. IIRC, Terry Sanford was gov back in the civil rights era and he was definitely not an Orville Faubus or George Wallace type. I think he guided the state through a pretty radical change as an anti-segregationist, and did quite well. I had friends up in the Ashville area, and I never heard the n-CLANG word. Funny how things changed for the worse. Must be the influx of all them tha’r Damn Yankees over the years. LOL

  160. 160.

    Tuesday Night Success

    Black Lady Making Sammiches for the Cranky Man sounds like a gender reversed remake of Driving Miss Daisy.

  162. 162.

    Another Halocene Human

    @Violet: Oh god, I just realized y’all were talking about Tim LEHRER, and here I was thinking it was a link to Tim MINCHIN with his Pope song. Profane but appropriate.

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