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These are not very smart people, and things got out of hand.

It’s all just conspiracy shit beamed down from the mothership.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Boeing: repeatedly making the case for high speed rail.

I have other things to bitch about but those will have to wait.

With all due respect and assumptions of good faith, please fuck off into the sun.

How stupid are these people?

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

If you can’t control your emotions, someone else will.

All hail the time of the bunny!

Every reporter and pundit should have to declare if they ever vacationed with a billionaire.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

Let’s bury these fuckers at the polls 2 years from now.

This chaos was totally avoidable.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

Is it negotiation when the other party actually wants to shoot the hostage?

Democracy cannot function without a free press.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

Speaker Mike Johnson is a vile traitor to the House and the Constitution.

Someone should tell Republicans that violence is the last refuge of the incompetent, or possibly the first.

“Just close your eyes and kiss the girl and go where the tilt-a-whirl takes you.” ~OzarkHillbilly

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You are here: Home / It’s Just a Flesh Wound

It’s Just a Flesh Wound

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Noshing on primanti brothers late night after a night on the town in Pittsburgh after a memorial service for an old advisor.

I really wish I could say that Pittsburgh was a party town, but, you know, after you have been to Austin and Madison and San Fran and NYC, you just sort of realize it ain’t.

On the upside, the Omni Westin William Penn has no dollar dispensers on their soda machines, which means that the entire hotel was treated with me stumbling around the reception desk asking for quarters while wearing a Steelers T, boxer shorts, and socks and flip flops.

That’s just how I roll these days. It’s 2 am, I’m 42 drunk and grossly indifferent to your delicate sensibilities, your fucking soda machines don’t take ones, and I have Primanti’s to eat. Deal with it bitches.

I will note that it dos make me deeply sad that so many of you will never experience the sheer joy of a 2 am Primanti brothers sandwich. Other than Drover’s Inn wings, there is nothing better.

Reader Interactions

66Comments

  1. 1.

    TheOtherWa

    Have to say, I’ve never heard of a Primanti brothers sandwich, so I have no idea what I’m missing. If you’re posting about them late at night, they must be damn good.

    And why the hell are there pop machines that don’t take $1 dollar bills? Did you go through a time warp to get there?

  5. 5.

    Thor Heyerdahl

    Now if the US would just accept dollar coins like other countries…you wouldn’t have this issue…(pedantic Canuck)

  8. 8.

    Yutsano

    @Thor Heyerdahl: Fie on thee and your cursed loonies. Although I will say the demise of the Sacajawea dollar did break my heart some. It was a really beautiful coin and they were even modifying vending machines to take them. Oh wells. We iz slow learners down this way.

  9. 9.

    Linkmeister

    @Wag: Here’s the home page with a picture of one such sandwich.

    Here’s the menu from the Oakland store.

    $6.29 for a sandwich isn’t outrageous, but it’s not inexpensive either, at least in Hawai’i. Is that about the right price where you are, Mainlanders?

  10. 10.

    max

    which means that the entire hotel was treated with me stumbling around the reception desk asking for quarters while wearing a Steelers T, boxer shorts, and socks and flip flops. That’s just how I roll these days.

    In future days, hushed youngsters with listen with awed reverence to the tales of mighty John Cole, stunned by the concluding crescendo: ‘That is the true story of the man who could never find his fucking pants.’

    max
    [“‘When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail. And the receipt is in my pants.””]

  12. 12.

    Jim, Foolish Literalist

    @max: That is the true story of the man who could never find his fucking pants.’

    “Are you wearing a shopping bag?”
    “I have misplaced my pants.”

  13. 13.

    Random J. Nerd

    Does hitting up Primanti’s for a work day lunch while visiting the Pittsburgh office come close to same at 2am? (lunch taken with co-workers carefully NOT cluing you in on the nature of the beast that is going to be in front of you shortly)

  14. 14.

    Kris Collins

    I will never give in on this. If you are wearing them with socks and there is no divider between your toes THEY ARE NOT FLIP FLOPS THEY ARE SLIDES LOOK IT UP DAMMIT!!!! Thank you.

  16. 16.

    MikeJ

    @Yutsano: Subway makes a point of advertising $5 footlongs, the implication being that $5 is cheap for a sammich. That being the case, $6.50 doesn’t sound outrageous.

  18. 18.

    Todd

    Had the Primanti sammich, found it way too sweet. The slaw should be totally sour via a lemon-olive oil base. Do that, and you’ve got something great.

  21. 21.

    Steeplejack (tablet)

    Just going to bed after watching the whole season of Justified. The housecat, the DVR and I are all frazzled. We may have overdone it a bit.

  22. 22.

    scav

    I don’t know, working late nights at a downtown large hotel, prone to conferences, wouldn’t a floofy barely panted guy stumbling about for quarters to feed the drink machines while raving about a sandwich be rather a welcome element of the floor show? Probably is just me, imagining long tedious hours of nothing punctuated by much much worse. Or, maybe I’m thinking of the Westin down the street labelled Conference Center, whereas John is at the famously decorous one?

  23. 23.

    Elizabelle

    Princess Sparkle Pony weighs in on that creepy intern from the Paul Ryan and Gingrich campaigns who cyberstalked young women and occasionally dressed up as “Ellis the Elephant”:

    You’ve got to love the Gingriches: even the fictional characters they create for children end up having sex scandals.

  24. 24.

    raven

    Geeze, I just changed my reservations in Providence and book the Downtown Omni on Hotwire. Now I have to worry about the coke machines!

  26. 26.

    Amir Khalid

    I will note that it dos make me deeply sad …

    Goodness gracious me. The correct spelling is doth.
    Plus, when you Americans can get nasi lemak with cuttlefish sambal and ginger tea for your 2am snack, then you can talk.

  29. 29.

    raven

    The Broun for Senate campaign today released the following statement after receiving a strong endorsement and maximum contribution from former Presidential candidate and Congressman Ron Paul and his Liberty PAC.

    Broun said, “I am honored by my good friend’s endorsement, and I thank him for his continued support and encouragement. When I first came to Congress in 2007, Dr. Paul and I were the two most consistent and outspoken constitutional conservatives serving in Washington. As Dr. Paul knows, it’s often a lonely fight when you’re one of the few Members in Congress with the courage and principles to say no to the out-of-control spending being done by both political parties.

    “When Dr. Paul retired, I picked up the mantle right where he left off by reintroducing his Audit the Fed bill. I also have continued to hold the line on restoring our Constitution, to cut government spending, and to fully repeal Obamacare.

    “I’m ready to take that kind of leadership along with my beliefs about limited government to the United States Senate. With support from Dr. Paul and the grassroots community, this is a race that I know we can win.”

    In his endorsement of Paul Broun, Ron Paul noted Congressman Broun worked hard to get spending under control and said, “Paul Broun and I worked together in the House to bring some necessary oversight to the Federal Reserve. I endorse Paul Broun on his candidacy to the U.S. Senate.”

  30. 30.

    TheMightyTrowel

    @Debbie(aussie): a decent living wage… that explains why my lenovo laptop cost $1200 more in australia than in the US. Clearly we were paying the living wage of the chinese factory workers who made it. Sigh.

    I’ll give you good aussie wages for the service industry/foods but there’s definitely an australia tax on imports that have nothing at all to do with superb labour unions.

  31. 31.

    John S.

    I will note that it dos make me deeply sad that so many of you will never experience the sheer joy of a 2 am Primanti brothers sandwich.

    Don’t cry for me, John Cole. There’s been a Primanti Bros. (same owners) here in South Florida since I was a kid. Going there for pizza at 3am after a night of debauchery is pretty much a mainstay around here.

    I will note that it does make me deeply sad that you are stuck enjoying their food in Pittsburgh, while I get to enjoy their excellent food on a beach in Ft. Lauderdale.

  33. 33.

    Schlemizel

    where the hell did yo put the room key? You were just wondering around with no clothes on carrying cash and key & who knows what else in your hands? Put some pants on boy!

  34. 34.

    Schlemizel

    @Amir Khalid:

    I only know one place in town to get nasi lemak and its just OK. I really want (and I have asked them for) nasi gorang but there is no place here on the frozen tundra that does that.

    I have to use the recipe my mom taught me 50 years ago. Fortunately shrimp paste & sambal are no easily obtainable around here now. I admit though that I am not wild about the shrimp paste & don’t use it for any other thing I make so, unless I am making for a crowd some goes to waste with every batch of gorang

  35. 35.

    Rosalita

    I think the Adidas sandals are West Virginia Birkenstocks.

    Would it have killed ya to post a food pic? Oh right, drunk.

  36. 36.

    gene108

    @Thor Heyerdahl:

    Now if the US would just accept dollar coins like other countries…you wouldn’t have this issue…(pedantic Canuck)

    American currency is confusing and for some reason we refuse to change.

    After a trip to Europe – Austria and Hungary – with coinage stamped with numbers “50 cents (Euro)” and “200 (Forints)”, for example, and then looking at American coinage I pity the tourist to this country.

    Our second most valuable coin is denoted as “one dime” and is the smallest coin we have.

    Also, too all our bills are the same size, so the blind really get screwed when dealing with cash, whereas other countries have larger bills for larger denominations.

  37. 37.

    Mardam

    @TheOtherWa: Nothing like a Primanti Bros. cheesesteak or hot sausage sandwich!! Piled with french fries (fresh cut) and cole slaw all on the sandwich.

    And it’s Pittsburgh! A little slow on the technology transfer stuff, even with CMU nearby.

    Great town! My home too, Cole.

  40. 40.

    kentropic

    @kentropic:
    …And by “there,” I mean “here” — nobody runs the place down half as well as the natives. Drover’s is another classic throwback, just over the state line in West By God etc. A dozen Atomics with Yuengling draft chaser(s) in the basement bar are a summer ritual — but if you’re over 6’3″, watch your head.

  42. 42.

    Poopyman

    Well, it’s 8 AM. How is that Primanti sandwich sitting in that 40+ year old gut now, Mr. Cole?

  44. 44.

    NotMax

    @gene108

    Also, too all our bills are the same size, so the blind really get screwed when dealing with cash,

    There’s an app for that (.pdf file from U.S. Mint)

    Also too, raised numerals on bills are mandated for the next redesign rollout. Should have been done earlier, yes.

  45. 45.

    Omnes Omnibus

    Meh, I had a 2-3am Primanti sandwich following a Prince concert in Pittsburgh. The concert was far, far better than the sandwich.

  46. 46.

    gene108

    @NotMax:

    Looks like the U.S. Treasury lost its appeal, after being sued by blind folks for making currency hard to handle for them.

    Washington — May 20, 2008 — The U.S. Treasury Department discriminates because it has failed to design and issue paper currency that is readily distinguishable by people who are blind, a federal appeals court ruled on Tuesday. By a 2-1 vote, the court upheld a ruling by U.S. District Judge James Robertson in a lawsuit filed by The American Council of the Blind (ACB) against the U.S. Treasury Department. ACB accused the department and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson of violating the Rehabilitation Act, which was meant to ensure that people with disabilities can live independently and fully participate in society. The appeals court rejected the Treasury Department’s arguments that making currency accessible would impose an undue burden on the government, and sent the case back to Robertson to address the group’s request for relief.

    acb.org/node/224

    Hadn’t realized the ACB lawsuit against the government started around 10 years ago. Takes a long time to for government to get its act together.

  47. 47.

    NotMax

    @gene108

    Thus the use of “mandated” above.

    (troll bait follows)

    Case was contested and dragged out under Bush.

    Obama administration has been at work on it.

    On May 31, 2011, Secretary of the Treasury Timothy F. Geithner approved the methods that the Department of the Treasury will use to provide blind and visually impaired individuals with meaningful access to U.S. currency.…

    The new note features will be introduced together in the next currency redesign following the redesigned $100 note. BEP intends to implement the currency reader program as soon as possible to provide some immediate relief to the blind and visually impaired population, while addressing the transition that will occur during the co-circulation of notes with and without tactile and high contrast features. Source

    The wheels of bureaucracy move too often frustrating slowly, but they do move.

    A comprehensive study analyzing options for the blind and visually impaired community to denominate U.S. currency was submitted to BEP in July 2009. The study’s findings were considered by BEP in evaluating potential accommodations as to the best method(s) for allowing those who are blind and visually impaired to denominate U.S. paper currency.

    On May 20, 2010, the Department of the Treasury and BEP issued a notice in the Federal Register. The purposes of the notice was to inform the public of the features that BEP intends to propose to the Secretary of the Treasury to accommodate people who are blind and visually impaired in denominating U.S. currency and to solicit public comment on the proposed accommodations. The public comment period closed on August 18, 2010. Comments may still be viewed at http://www.regulations.gov.
    [snip]

    The IDEAL Currency Identifier is a free downloadable app that operates on the Android platform. It follows BEP’s development and 2010 launch of the free EyeNote® app which operates on the Apple iOS.

  48. 48.

    NotMax

    Oh, one more thing to add to #47:

    Just this week (April 24) it was announced that the redesigned $100 bill will be put into circulation in October of this year; other denominations to follow, which include as much color differentiation per denomination as allowed by law (the $1 bill is exempt from many of the changes made to other denominations, also by law.)

  49. 49.

    flukebucket

    Cole I just saw that the Steelers got Jarvis Jones. You ought to be dancing naked wherever you are.

  50. 50.

    YellowJournalism

    Cole must have initially scared the clerk at the front desk, as there’s a certain creepiness factor to a drunken middle-aged man in that getup wandering down the hall while waving money at you. “Hey, there! I gotta dollar here!”

  51. 51.

    Honus

    All of you supposed Pittsburgh aficionados have failed to note that the oldest and most storied sports franchise in the city has, in the past two weeks, swept the Reds, taken 3 out of 4 from the Braves and Phillies and split with the Cardinals, who they will play tonight for the division lead.

  52. 52.

    JR in WV

    IN your BOXER shorts???

    That’s just…. odd.

    Why didn’t you just call the front desk and have a 6-pack of Pilsner delivered?

  54. 54.

    jake the snake

    @max:

    [“‘When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail. And the receipt is in my pants.””]

    Ah ha, a rare “Big Trouble in Little China” reference.
    Other than a couple of instances, John Carpenter’s timing was a atrocious. BTILC was a genre mashup ahead of its time.

  55. 55.

    Maude

    @NotMax:
    #48
    If the size of the bills were changed, cash registers and wallets would have to change and that would be a mess.
    I like our currency.

    ETA also ATM cash slots

  56. 56.

    jake the snake

    Never heard of Primanti Bros.
    Can’t beat the tenderloin biscuits from the Rich Pond Market. However, you can’t get one at 2 AM

  57. 57.

    NotMax

    @Maude

    All true, but not insurmountable (size of bills was reduced last century, for example). I was primarily addressing the use of color to differentiate denominations.

    Then again, change machines tend to reject every dang bill I feed them already.

  58. 58.

    Gin & Tonic

    @raven: At 2:00 am in PVD, you don’t look for a soda machine in the hotel, you go outside and eat at Haven Bros. Trust me on this.

  59. 59.

    Poopyman

    @Honus: Everybody knows the new, improved Pirates play like real contenders until the day after the all-star break. Then it’s back to “normal”.

  60. 60.

    Craig

    @Honus: Yeah, but we’ve heard this story before. Talk to me after the All Star break and we’ll see where Bucs are then.

  61. 61.

    muddy

    I have arrived here too late I guess, but I just wanted to note that John’s on the road costume is similar to the home costume, only sans robe. In own home = robe, semi-public = no robe needed!

  62. 62.

    Redshirt

    Seriously Brah – you went down to the lobby in boxer shorts only?

    Why not at least throw on the sweet hotel robe?

    Are you some kind of pervert or sumpin?

  63. 63.

    JGabriel

    John Cole @ Top:

    I really wish I could say that Pittsburgh was a party town, but, you know, after you have been to Austin and Madison and San Fran and NYC, you just sort of realize it ain’t.

    It’s hard to be a real party town unless your bars are open till 4 am (at least) and your subways run all night.

  66. 66.

    TMinSJ

    I will pre-appologize for this, but I can’t help myself:

    No one from the SF Bay Area would call San Francisco “San Fran”. Acceptable choices are “the city” (relative and only works when you’re local, I know), “SF” and “San Francisco”. “San Fran” is fine if you want to self-identify as a tourist…if somehow that’s not already clear to everyone.

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