Walt is having a party and I cooked up an orzo salad, dropped it off, and then went to my parent’s house to drop some things off. Walked in, and they were both in the living room, he on his kindle fire, mom on her kindle, both watching a little ESPN. This conversation, which could be an SNL skit, happened:
Dad: Do you know what qwerking is?
Me: I have no idea.
Mom: You know, that dance that girl did at the awards show the other night.
Me: Oh, twerking. It’s just shaking your ass suggestively to the music. It’s kind of weird.
Mom: It’s vulgar.
Dad, having googled “twerking”: “Twerking is a dance move that involves a person, usually a woman, shaking her hips in an up-and-down bouncing motion, causing the dancer to shake, “wobble” and “jiggle.””
Mom: It’s just disgusting.
Me: I assure, you, I have never twerked. At least not intentionally.
Dad: And what is wrong with her tongue?
Me: I have no idea, but she could catch flies with that thing, couldn’t she?
Dad: I thought it might be a prosthetic tongue for a while.
Me: You do know this is going to make an awesome post on Balloon Juice?
Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader
Sounds like they are the life of the nursing home.
Jim C
Quick, for the love of Mike, someone invent a dance called Qwerking!
The world needs this!
(Plus it reminds me when my dear mother misremembers movie titles. “Dumb Ass” [Kick Ass] and The Exporter [The Transporter] were two of the best.)
JPL
Since twerking is in the OED, it must be okay. We need a new word for the tongue and fly thing though.
? Martin
Good to see dad can still operate teh googles missing half of his digits. A good son would have offered up a transplant.
Alexandra
Think there will be twerking at Walt’s party?
TaMara (BHF)
I’m surprised they let you in the house.
You should come with your own disclaimer: “Anything you say can and will be used against you on my so very popular blog.”
Corner Stone
I can’t believe they haven’t disavowed your Griftwald/Snowjob loving ass yet.
SiubhanDuinne
I’m just testing here, since it seems I am once afuckingGAIN banned (blacklisted) — as opposed to being in moderation. Have written to mister mix, but he’s pretty diurnal and I’m not sure he’ll see my plea for help.
Redshirt
I’m less disturbed by the twerking and more by the tongue. What’s up with the tongue? Is that her “thing”? It’s a sizable tongue.
SiubhanDuinne
@SiubhanDuinne: Okay, this is promising.
Corner Stone
IMO, pretty soon when people ask if they are the parents of a semi-famous former Republican blogger they’ll answer, “Well, yes, yes we are Charles Johnson’s parents! Thanks for asking!”
Yatsuno
@SiubhanDuinne: I hope you’re not getting the same curse on your nym that FYWP did on mine. If this reply evaporates that might be a clue.
Redshirt
@Corner Stone: There’s a man who knows how to run a blog. Literally.
Belafon
@Corner Stone: LOL
soylentH
The tongue thing was pretty funny. It’s like someone pranked her on what adults do during sexytime. “Yeah, just like that, work that giraffe tongue! That’s how we all do it . . . yeah.” Like, I don’t think that happens anywhere, even in porn.
That said, I think Robin Thicke and Bruno Mars are pretty amusing caricatures of sexuality as well. Gorillas are the first thing I think of when I think of romance after all. Gorillas and Alan Thicke.
Jax6655
My grandmother once accused a salesclerk of being a Lisbon because she kept peeking into her dressing room to see if she needed help!
Villago Delenda Est
ZOMG! ELVIS PRESLEY IS SWIVELING HIS HIPS! IT’S A COMMIE PLOT TO SEDUCE OUR YOUTH!
raven
@Corner Stone: Where were you last night? I told them you’d be back.
jon
Qwerking is when you do it on a keyboard.
As for Twerking, just do yourself a favor and use a NON WORK COMPUTER and look for Eric Wareheim’s amazing directorial amazingness in the amazing video for “Bubble Butt” by some guy named Major Lazer. You will be amazed.
(Then, to cure you of those images, you can relive–in a fun way–the circle of Hell that is high school pep rallies with Beach House’s “Wishes”. The Devil himself runs the show.)
raven
@soylentH: Yea, Kiss and the Maori’s never thought of that.
shelly
First I thought it was ‘Qwerty’, you know, the letter layout on a keyboard.
**********
I only saw the dance number on cable news. My first thought, ‘What the heck is she wearing. Looks like giant Band-Aids.”
Corner Stone
@Redshirt: The tongue wasn’t an issue for me, as I…kind of…never mind.
It was the fucking buggy goggle eyes face she made everytime she stuck that fucker out there.
ranchandsyrup
Life in the fast lane?
MikeJ
@Jim C:
Yes, please.
Everything you do should be for the love of Mike.
The Dangerman
“Qwerking” joins “The Comma” in BJ lore.
Corner Stone
@raven: Things to do.
GO COCKS!
Suffern ACE
The hair seems to go unmentioned in these rambles. And the makeup. Perhaps we just like our Replicants to smile and dance the polka.
Corner Stone
@The Dangerman: Don’t you dare fucking diss the Oxford comma, The Dangerman.
khead
You kids get off the Cole family lawn.
Pockmark
The tongue thing is easily explainable.
Miley Cyrus has an extreme case of Halitosis. The tongue is merely attempting to get as far away from the mouth as possible.
Keith G
Amazon delivered my Chrome Cast just a bit ago. I must say, I am impressed. Just finished an episode of Inspector Lewis (he never twerks) since it was next on my queue. Fantastic.
raven
@Corner Stone: The fucking genius is trying to sandbag us with this “Clowney” isn’t that good bullshit but it ain’t working. GO DAWGS!
Roger Moore
I was going to suggest that would cause problems with her singing, until I remembered that the whole performance was probably lip synched anyway.
SiubhanDuinne
@TaMara (BHF): You think John’s parents haven’t figured that out yet? Personally, I think they’re just trolling him IRL 24/7.
soylentH
@raven: And who outside of Kiss and the Maori’s thinks that’s sexy?
kbuttle
Cole, how fucking proud of you, and kind of befuddled, are your parents that you have this massive community of people around the world who log into your little website to see what you think about stuff. Yes, obviously it’s more than that, but from your parents’ perspective doesn’t that just about capture it?
raven
@soylentH: Utu!
http://www.nzvideos.org/utuCD.JPG
SiubhanDuinne
@Yatsuno: I was wondering about that. Were you getting frequent messages saying that your IP was blacklisted? So far, what I do is take a screenshot of the message and send it in an email to mistermix, and so far, he’s been able to get me whitelisted each time. But it’s annoying for me and for him, and it happens much too often.
I can’t think how I would change my nym except by blowing my cover altogether and just using my real meatspace name. Now that I’ve retired, it’s probably not that risky.
different-church-lady
Really offensive to people who have lost their tongues.
different-church-lady
@Villago Delenda Est: Yeah, but he was wearing clothes at the time.
Roger Moore
@kbuttle:
I think most of the people are more interested in his pets and amusing personal accidents than they are in his opinions. We all know that Mr. Cole is no higher than the middle of the front pagers when it comes to the intellectual content of his posts.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
OT, but I couldn’t resist these consecutive headlines from TPM
SiubhanDuinne
@Corner Stone:
Signed, My parents, Jesus, and Ayn Rand.
Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader
OMG Corner Stone. I thought you were dead. I’ve been emailing John begging him to contact all the funeral homes in Houston and ask them if they have a corner stone somewhere in the building.
SiubhanDuinne
@different-church-lady: The Ellen Jamesians are on the case.
Roger Moore
@SiubhanDuinne:
You could always get a Unitarian Jihad name, add (formerly SiubhanDuinne) to the end for a few weeks, and get on with your life. Or add a weird non-ASCII symbol like ? Martin.
beltane
Are we engaging in slut-shaming here?
Keith G
@Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader: He’s undead, doncha know.
Corner Stone
@raven: That dude is gonna clown all over y’alls collective asses.
Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader
@Keith G: I know that now.
Corner Stone
@Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader: Ummm…you mean that was not YOU I just spent the most amazing time with at the mountaintop!?!
The drugs, the sex, the sex, the laughing at people here using LGF as cert?
That can only mean…God Damn you Griftwald!!
raven
@Corner Stone: Too bad he doesn’t play d-back cuz they suck big time.
Corner Stone
@beltane: Shouldn’t she be ashamed? I mean, shouldn’t she?
Her dad sang Achy Brachy Hart fer FSM’s sake!
SiubhanDuinne
@John Cole:
For some reason, the idea of your mother, who regularly reads your blog, weighing in on, well, much of anything being “vulgar,” cracks me up.
Corner Stone
@raven: That’s why they have him eating up turf up front. Dude’s a monster and top 10 pick if he stays healthy.
gbear
This is my only possible response to this post: Cheap Trick – Surrender
Corner Stone
Oh, NFLTV…How could I ever quit you?
Replay that shit where Case Keenum drops bombs all over the pathetic-missing-the-playoffs-again-this-season Dallas Cowboys.
gogol's wife
My husband saw the picture of Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke in the NYTimes and said, “What’s going on there?” I told him he didn’t want to know. He hasn’t asked again.
Kat
Stay tuned for the double D breast implants, coming soon.
p.a.
@Roger Moore: driftglass attacked Cole for his Greenwald/Snowden opinions and called him a ‘big time blogger’. Snark, or not? What say ye?
SiubhanDuinne
@Roger Moore:
Mother Cat-o-nine-tails of Compassion?? I really don’t think so.
Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader
@p.a.:
what’s a time blogger?
Corner Stone
@p.a.: I thought driftglass did cartoony picture mashup type things?
Is that the right blogger?
beltane
@Corner Stone: Shame is underrated.
SiubhanDuinne
@Roger Moore:
@SiubhanDuinne:
The only alternative seems to be Sister Mutual Assured Destruction of Lovingkindness, which really isn’t much better.
Keith G
@Roger Moore:
A you including all the FPers? Because there are a few….
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader: something to do with Dr Who, I think.
Corner Stone
@beltane: Oh, I agree. I agree.
JPL
@SiubhanDuinne: If it continues, just drop a letter from your name and sign it as a new person. You could be SiubhaDuinne or whatever.
Jay S
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: I thought it was a Swamplander.
Time Swampland blog.
Felonius Monk
Steve the Cat disavows any knowledge of this post and is not responsible for the inane ramblings of his human.
Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
That doesn’t make a lot of sense. I thought Driftglass was supposed to be smart and sassy.
Redshirt
@Kat: Miley’s already well put together. I hope she doesn’t get implants.
Now, a bisexual hookup, that’s likely! Also, some more drug photos. What’s cool these days? Crystal Pepsi? Yeah, she’ll be smoking that.
Gian
I guess no one told her “no thanks I use toilet paper” in junior high
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@SiubhanDuinne: Sister Claymore of Enlightenment?
Have you tried the name generator at Whump?
LT
That funny.
The tongue thing – wtf? Is that a thing of hers? Does she do this regularly?
I’m with Dad.
JPL
@gbear: Was Scott Brown there? I’m afraid to link since I knew they invited him on stage. Maybe Brown will tour with Sarah Palin next.
SiubhanDuinne
@JPL: Or SDfromtheATL.
Corner Stone
@Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader: “Hi. My name is John Cole, how are you? Good, good. Listen,…uh…I have a little experience doing this so to make it a little bit easier I thought I’d just ask this straight out. Do you have any dead white guys in your house? No, no! Not exactly in *your* house. I mean…fuck, I thought this would get easier the next time around….Ok, listen. He’s white, but some of his best friends are black. He loves HRC but is probably also a misogynist. Probably more people there smiling than crying. What? No, no I do not know how that description would help you. Ok, he loves Thai food and makes kick ass nachos. Drinks a lot, and I mean *a lot*, so maybe the insides were already pre-pickled? Maybe there’s a wheelchair involved? Maybe with an inline holster? Awww, fuck this. Fuckhead will just have to hate on me for a while. What? No, not calling you a fuckhead. Goodbye. Aarrrgghhh…click…”
jacy
@kbuttle:
I imagine them printing out his posts and attaching them to the fridge with little magnets in the shape of smiling baked goods myself.
Trinity
Greatest.Post.Ever.
p.a.
@Corner Stone: yes
max
Dad: I thought it might be a prosthetic tongue for a while.
The Rezillos – Can’t Stand The Rezillos (1978) – Flying Saucer Attack (2:52)
max
[‘Tell everybody to run and hide / Because the end is near at hand’]
Corner Stone
@p.a.: Thank goodness. For a second there I thought it was someone with real moral authority and righteousness…like maybe Charles Johnson at LGF.
The absolute best part of that driftglass post was that among the six comments, former commenter here Pinkamena Panic admitted to completely disavowing BJ. So now we no longer have to reflect inward on our souls when Pinkamena Panic demands we all stop posting and/or commenting on something s/he did not want us to.
Litlebritdifrnt
WTF? Comments are screwed.
Elizabelle
I thought Miley’s antics were tacky.
That tongue deserves its own zip code.
Grow up, Miley. You don’t have to be a Disney person, but must you be a clown?
Glocksman
God, I am so out of touch with popular culture.
The only person mentioned in these posts I’ve even heard of was Miley Cyrus, and when I hear her name that goddamned ‘Achy Breaky Song’* pops into my head and just won’t go away.
Then again these days the XM radio in the car is either on MSNBC, Classic Vinyl, or the 40’s channel.
I’m 46 going on 76. :)
*the BRC one, not the one that’s ™ Weird Al Yankovic.
NotMax
“I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate” (1919)
When I looked at Kate, she was in a trance,
And then I knew it was in her dance;
All the boys are going wild
Over sister Katie’s style.
Oh, I wish I could I shimmy like my sister Kate;
She shimmies like a jelly on a plate.
My mama wanted to know last night,
What makes the boys think Kate’s so nice.
johio
This is really disturbing.
I may be Cole’s parents.
Baud
What’s a fast line?
gogol's wife
@Baud:
It’s the one where you leave the mustard you just bought.
Roger Moore
@Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader:
Somebody who blogs about Dr. Who.
Roger Moore
@Keith G:
I’ll admit that I was only considering regulars, i.e. not Randinho, DeBoer, etc.
Just Some Fuckhead
Thanks for ruining other good discussion, Corner Stone.
Asshole.
Starfish
Since Sarah, Proud & Tall is MIA, I bring you WERQ (The Labor Day Song).
Corner Stone
@kbuttle:
Good God but have you massively missed the point. You’re either posting from a prison library, or are a sock puppet of Cole’s sister.
Corner Stone
@Just Some Fuckhead: Shit. I apologize. What deep topic were the denizens here about to engage in and resolve until I interfered…AGAIN?
My sins…are unforgivable.
Narcissus
I can hook your dad up with some good totally nude twerking if he’s into it
cuz I notice he never took a stand on whether or not it was disgusting
RobertB
I think my next fantasy football league team’s name will be “Miley’s Prosthetic Tongue”.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Corner Stone:
They are, yes they are.
TrishB
When my parents asked me the same question this week, I just said that it was a recentish dance move and left them to the tender mercies of Google after I left the room.
Just Some Fuckhead
@TrishB: I just squat and start twerking like I got a hornet in my ass. I never miss an opportunity to shake my moneymaker.
Yatsuno
@TrishB: You are a mean cruel child, you is. I like you.
Just Some Fuckhead
Are we human or are we dancers?
Corner Stone
I think we all missed the lede here. What is Walt celebrating with this party?
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@Just Some Fuckhead: Are we not men?
TrishB
@Yatsuno: I’m 46 and am currently living with them. Cruel is the only amusement I get these days.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@Just Some Fuckhead: You can dance like no one’s watching, but the NSA sees you twerk.
Just Some Fuckhead
@Corner Stone: Coming out party for John. You have some catching up to do.
Baud
@Corner Stone:
There’s orzo salad, so it must be off the hook.
Corner Stone
@Just Some Fuckhead: Coming out as sober?
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
joes527
@Kat: on Cyrus or Thicke? … or on Cole’s mom?
Corner Stone
@Baud: I know. That totes threw me right the fuck off the trail.
I honestly have no clue what kind of party has orzo salad. Family gatherings with grandmoms? Yes, definitely. Other Friday Night Lights parties? No clue.
Corner Stone
@TrishB:
Damn. I think after that I’m gonna go back to playing Smurf Village on my iPad.
p.a.
@Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism: we are devo. D. E. V. O.
The Other Chuck
@SiubhanDuinne:
Indeed, just remember this blog is still the #1 google hit for “skull fuck a kitten”
rikyrah
The entire exchange brought a smile to my face. You are so lucky to have your parents still with you
Ash Can
Who farted?
IowaOldLady
I’ve generally not thought much about Miley Cyrus. That’s worked out pretty well so far.
SiubhanDuinne
@The Other Chuck:
t
:: waves to John’s mom ::
TrishB
@Corner Stone: That’s about how I feel most days. It’s temporary, I swear. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
ruemara
My only post on the Miley Cyrus nonsense was to post a picture of her with her tongue out and a giraffe. Most sided with the giraffe for copyright infringement.
Anne Laurie
@kbuttle:
Do you read this blog? I assume his parents just tell each other, “Anything doesn’t require us to go bail him out of the police station, the VFW hall, or the ER has got to be an improvement!”
Pogonip
“Twerking” is what it’s called when someone with no sense of rhythm or propriety does it. Done correctly, and in a manner appropriate for the venue, we call it “belly dancing.”
Anne Laurie
@Corner Stone: Welcome back, dude.
MikeJ
@IowaOldLady:
I’m with you. I’ve been amazed by how many people give more than a 16th of a shit about it.
Heliopause
Goddamit, Cole, shutup. You’re making me horny.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@MikeJ: It is very strange. I know the MTV awards often feature stuff intended to make Rush LImbaugh, Peggy Noonan and Juan WIlliams clutch their pearls, but I don’t ever remember anything getting this much discussion. Not even when Madonna kissed another woman!– can’t remember who.
Wally Ballou
Me: I assure, you, I have never twerked. At least not intentionally.
That sure, is, an odd vocal cadence to employ.
p.a.
@Wally Ballou: Shatner.
manyakitty
@gbear: Best. Response. Ever.
TrishB
@gbear: That’s the tune my parents hear when they call my cell. Make of that what you will.
Steeplejack
I yield to no one in my elderly white shut-in cluelessness, so maybe someone can straighten me out here. But I finally got around to watching the actual Miley Cyrus VMA clip, and I don’t see the twerking. She does a few seconds of a side-to-side ass shake, but I don’t see anything remotely approaching the classic up-and-down twerk motion seen in such classics as “Big Booty Strippers Twerking 2.” What am I missing?
FlyingToaster
@Glocksman:
I was solemnly informed by my 5 3/4-year-old daughter that her favorite singer is Warren Zevon.
When I passed this on to my husband, he noted that this is a vast improvement from the Tinkerbell soundtracks, so shut up. She then spent her bathtime singing “Frank and Jesse James”.
I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined her life, and I haven’t even started playing Rick Wakeman for her yet. And her Grandma will probably whip out the Beatles or Elton John for her next visit to Florida.
How will these auto-tune artists ever compete?
Corner Stone
@Steeplejack: Fuck you. Why weren’t you relentlessly hunting me down? Jerk.
I trusted you!
beergoggles
Oh please, like your parents have never been to a KISS concert…
eemom
@Anne Laurie:
@Corner Stone:
just for y’all.
kc
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
Liz Cheney is such a dick.
Omnes Omnibus
@beergoggles: My dad prefers REM and Wilco. Mom is an Elvis person.
ETA: Dad has been going in big for Eric Satie lately though.
beergoggles
@Omnes Omnibus: So he’s an insufferable hipster. I guess it’s an improvement over my folks who wouldn’t be caught dead listening to anything other than some orchestra playing something long dead.
Omnes Omnibus
@beergoggles: What’s funny is that, when I see pics of my dad from the early 60s, it’s pretty clear that he was a Mod, scooter and all.
Corner Stone
@Heliopause: I’m not sure there’s a hospital in PA or WV who would be quite prepared to deal with the kind of hammy pull Cole would present when he went to the ER for injuries related to “twerking”.
Omnes Omnibus
@Corner Stone: Fuck you (and Heliopause) for putting that image in my mind. I shan’t sleep again.
Anne Laurie
@Corner Stone: You could google ‘Big Freedia’ but be warned — things seen can never be un-seen…
Fluke bucket
Prosthetic tongue….LOL!
Corner Stone
@Omnes Omnibus: Don’t act like you weren’t already there.