You know how most microwaves have that roller thing that the glass plate sits on, but the plate also has to be aligned with the center thingee that rotates everything?
I FUCKING HATE THAT.
It does not matter what I do, the damned thing comes off track half way through microwaving anything and then I hear it knocking against the glass door, yell god damnit, put it back on its track, and hope it makes the next three minutes without more surgery. It doesn’t matter what I do- I could use balance that would impress the Flying Wallendas while arranging food on a plate so that nothing will upset the balance of my delicate god damned microwave.
So that is where you come in. I want a microwave that will not have this sort of archaic fucking contraption that does nothing but add stress to my life. All I fucking wanted was a bowl of Progresso Heart Healthy Wedding Soup before I had my tea, and I’ve spent the last ten minutes soaking up broth out of a god damned microwave.
Redshirt
You’re cursed. Any appliance anyone recommends you will soon enough start torturing you.
Also, I’ve got a “Whirlpool Gold” microwave, and it’s nice – it’s got that track, but it works.
Keith
Remove the rotating shelf, place a low bowl upside down over the rotating thingee and then put your food-to-be-heated onto the upside down bowl.
cathyx
Huh, I never have that problem. It must be you.
zmulls
Put wax paper over the bowl to avoid spills
And weight the bowl down with a stone. Big one.
schrodinger's cat
Canned soups have too much sodium.
Keith P.
Use a stove.
cathyx
It sounds like you’re missing the ring that has wheels on it that the glass plate sits on when it rotates.
Jamey
Wedding Soup goes best with Honeymoon Salad. Here’s the recipe:” Lettuce alone.”
The Pale Scot
Couldn’t you just ask Steve to do it for you?
FoxinSocks
Actually, the same darn thing happens with my microwave. I know that knocking sound all too well. (sigh)
Mojotron
OT: “If elected your representative, I will stop stealing cars and burning buildings down and will instead devote my time to posting pics of lolcats on the taxpayer dime.”
– Darryl Issa
Sir Nose'D
John Cole–Generation X’s very own Andy Rooney.
(+1)
jeffreyw
Must be a new invention. My Amana RadarRange manual says to turn foods a quarter turn every few minutes. The old ways are best.
cathyx
This is what you’re missing.
Valdivia
@Keith P.:
a man after my own heart.
Snarki, child of Loki
Guess what, “drawer microwaves” don’t have a turntable. (Think of a kitchen drawer, under a counter). They have a motorized gizmo to open and close the drawer. Supposedly, they have a better mechanism for distributing the microwaves evenly, so that you don’t need a turntable.
And cost $$$. So you’d hate it even more than what you have now, so just use the stove until you’re sick of *that* and buy a new microwave.
Violet
Mine works fine. It’s a Whirlpool, I think. It’s one of those built-in types, not the kind that sits on the counter. Sometimes the glass plate gets off the track and I hear the knocking sound, but I just go put it back properly and it works. No problem heating up a bowl or soup or other small item. It doesn’t get off balance. Sounds like you might be missing a part.
Suggestion: download the manual for your microwave–manuals all seem to be online these days–and glance through the parts list. If you are missing something either replace it or replace the whole microwave. My old one had that problem more. This newer one doesn’t. The plastic thing with the wheels seems to be lower down–there’s a circle it sits in–rather than being flat on the bottom of the inside of the microwave and thus wobblier.
Redshirt
Your Foodie rep just took a major hit with the admission of microwaved canned soup. PLEBE!
ellennelle
um, my rotating plate has a kind of knob in the center bottom that has three indentions that fit perfectly into a nub in the center of the microwave floor. if the indentions on the plate are not set perfectly into the nob sections of the microwave floor, it falls off track and the plate tilts and everything spills and there is a huge mess.
that’s how mine works. the connecting mechanism between microwave floor and rotating plate may differ, but the principle is likely the same.
good luck, good eatin’.
(except yeah, canned soup has too much salt, dude!)
NotMax
Kenmore model 66339.
Been loving it since I got it last year.
Interior compartment has a rounded back, so oblong pans can fit and rotate with ease.
No ‘push to open’ button/latch, something that too often breaks on other microwaves.
Also has an option to turn off the clock (saving power).
Hint: Buy it a K-mart (owned by Sears) – it will be $30 less (or even lower) than at the Sears store.
LAC
Oh my god. Heat it up in a pan, you stunt queen.
Hey people in Haiti – real issues are happening here.!
jeffreyw
Italian Wedding Soup
Yatsuno
@Valdivia: Only because he beat me to it. :P
Hi darlin’!
JGabriel
John Cole:
That never happens to me*. I blame the victim.
What are you doing to that microwave to make it hate you so, John Cole?
(*Sharp Carousel)
Botsplainer
We always buy the cheapest, crappiest microwaves this side of a Lagos flea market, and never have problems – they stay on track, and do what they’re supposed to. We use them until the Klystron breaks down.
Omnes Omnibus
@Keith P.: Yeah, that would end well.
Warren Terra
@Keith:
This. Put a plate on top of the rotating component, and forget about it, if this really is a problem for you.
@cathyx:
Also, this. I’m a cheapskate, so I didn’t spring for any luxe never-tips feature in a fancy model, and I don’t have this problem at all. Must be you.
Helen
Wait – didn’t you just say in the last thread that you made chicken, mashed potatoes and peas? What’s with the soup?
jl
I don’t know whether Cole is talking about the microwaves with the center whatchamcallit or the center doodad. Sorry, I need more info.
Until that arrives I suggest with commenter above that pot and stove top might work. Watch out for the center glowy whatsit, though.That thing is really hot.
TG Chicago
My microwave has one of those and it’s like 20 years old. Still works fine.
Omnes Omnibus
@JGabriel: Well, it appears that he is microwaving soup for six minutes. That seems a bit excessive.
Bill E Pilgrim
@cathyx: I think that’s what “that roller thing that the glass plate sits on” was referring to. Could be wrong, but I’m assuming from that that it’s there, but just doesn’t work very well.
Bill E Pilgrim
Somewhere in this site is a solution, more likely than not having to do with duct tape.
Valdivia
@Yatsuno:
but of course!
and hi back. how be you?
Felonius Monk
The SAD light must be on the fuckin’ blink.
Redshirt
@Felonius Monk: SAD light is sad. Also too, concerned.
There’s like, so much stuff to make fun of in Cole’s post of microwave woe.
Pete Mack
That’s not a 1st world OR a White Person problem. That’s a John Cole problem. Sure, those rotisseries fall out of alignment if you knock it off the track or if you put in too big a pan. But they don’t fall off all by themselves: in short, it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!!
And cover your bowls. They splatter when they boil, even if they don’t fall off the track.
Boudica
I have never had the plate go off track in any microwave I’ve ever used. And I’ve never heated soup in a microwave at home. That’s what stoves and saucepans are for.
eemom
Teh machines are out to get you, Cole — might as well face it.
And here I thought it was just me.
Omnes Omnibus
@Boudica: The upside of heating soup in the microwave is that one dirties fewer dishes. Of course, one could eat out of the saucepan, but one isn’t an animal, is one?
Yatsuno
@Valdivia: I’m checking out late night dining options. A friend just flew into town for training (in my building no less!) tonight and we’re looking at food options since I’m not too far away to her hotel right now. The fog in Seattle right now is making pea soup look runny and the ferries are barely running. It’s a fun night but apparently the airport is still open.
Heard tell about your dad. :: hug :: for that.
Liberty60
I suggest emailing Megan McArdle to see if she has any ideas.
Sure, it might cost as much as your house, but reallly, can one put a price on quality?
Yatsuno
@Omnes Omnibus: Uneven heating and if the soup is chunky it actually will take longer in a microwave than a stovetop. Plus the dish differential isn’t that excessive.
(Yes I think about these things.)
Redshirt
FYWP
Use anger to heat your soup.
Omnes Omnibus
@Yatsuno: I am not at my peak at the moment so I heated clam chowder in the microwave for dinner. Two and a half minutes and it was done. Heated throughout. The microwave is a nine year old GE turntable. It works well.
Felonius Monk
@Redshirt:
The SAD Litany of John Cole (or alternatively Woe is Cole):
Woe #5873 — Microwave hates me.
Valdivia
@Yatsuno:
I am jealous–food options, the fog of Seattle…all very alluring! (ETA–as you can see I need that vacation since your description actually sounded romantic to me!)
And many thanks. It has been rocky on this end but getting through it, even if not as elegantly or sanely as I wanted to ;)
It’s good to be back ’round these parts though, missed you guys.
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: Sanity is vastly overrated. Sacrifice it rather than elegance if you have a choice.
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
Get one of these. It’s a proven design and works fine for years and years.
Hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.
Cheers,
Scott.
satby
Clean the wheels on the “roller thing” and hit them with a little wd40. Let the stuff dry before microwaving. They should stop sticking and disclosing the turntable.
Violet
@Valdivia: Missed seeing you. Sorry to hear about your dad.
satby
@satby: dislodging the turntable. FW Kindle autocorrect.
Heliopause
What brand is your microwave? A few months ago we replaced a microwave from the late 70s with a cheapo Whirlpool, and goddamned if we don’t have the exact problem you describe.
BruceFromOhio
Then use a sauce pan on the stove.
Unless you are concerned about setting yourself, your pets, your house on fire.
In which case, I suggest eating your soup cold, like a gazpacho or vichyssouise. You can even extend your pinky while you are eating it, like you are some big shot cheese-eating surrender monkey, or a hobo living under a bridge.
Valdivia
@Omnes Omnibus:
biggest. grin. I am right there with you my friend.
Sincerely at this point I have no idea which suffered the most? Though I think it is kind of hard to not sacrifice elegance when you are freaking out so much in front of the ambulance people at 3 am in yoga pants, the EMS guy had to hold my hands and tell me to take a deep deep breath!
Felonius Monk
More to the point here though, is who the hell eats Italian Wedding Soup that comes in a can?
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: On a serious note, good thoughts to you. Make sure you take care of yourself too. Even the occasional glass of red helps.
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: Goddamn it, I said I wasn’t feeling well. I can make the stuff from scratch – might be the time in CT or my Puritan ancestry.
Yatsuno
@Valdivia: Ifn you need a getaway you can always head out this way. Even though the weather is always atrocious here in winter it’s still a really neat place to visit plus we will have one helluva get-together that could involve much Brazilian steak and vino until we puke then drink some more. Plus MikeJ is hilarious when he’s wasted.
(He won’t be around, the BoSox are on, so he can’t kick me for that yet.)
Yatsuno
@Valdivia:
Was he at least cute? :)
Valdivia
@Violet:
Thanks so much! I really missed being here. I truly felt like I have been more or less disconnected from the world. Sorta keeping my head down waiting for the storm to pass, but if I keep waiting I am going to miss out on living at this rate because it’s one thing after another. I think we finally have made it through this particular crisis (he was having seizures after his brain surgeries) so hopefully now it’s just tinkering some more with the meds. Fingers crossed. :)
Betty Cracker
I rarely use the microwave, but my stupid rotating plate tends to jump the tracks too. Luckily, our microwave is so small that the vessell it contains doesn’t have room to turn over. Moral of the story? Get a smaller microwave.
Valdivia
@Omnes Omnibus:
It is the biggest challenge but I am working on that–the taking care of me, not the having a glass of red, that comes easy! ;)
Thanks omnes.
@Yatsuno:
I’d love to come! I need to get over to the West coast some time for sure and if I do I will let you know for sure. I have never been to Seattle and it really did sound lovely the fog and all. :)
I must confess that I can’t remember if this particular EMS guy was cute. There was another one (see they come often!) that was very very cute. That was when I realized I had to start wearing make up to bed., to be prepared….Kidding. Sort of!
Cliff in NH
put the bowl in the middle, not off center, why else would it skip off the tripod?
Use a stove, faster anyhow.
Yatsuno
@Valdivia: I think it’s a discussion worth having once things calm down with your dad. I’d recommend after the holidays for several reasons, one of which is I will not be around much that time of year. I’m taking the whole of Thanksgiving week off plus my surgery is scheduled for December 17th. After a couple weeks in rehab I’ll be recouping with my folks just in time for the next shutdown scare. Fun. Stuff!
Omnes Omnibus
@Yatsuno: Not to jinx you, but my wedding anniversary is/was December 17. Of course, if you postpone it two days you will hit the anniversary of my getting mugged. I guess you should just go with it.
Valdivia
@Yatsuno:
I was going to ask–how are you doing with that btw?
If there are no terrible setbacks I may be in Milan for thanksgiving with my architect trying to figure out if there is a future. Because you know, I don’t have enough on my plate! :)
But I definitely want to come out there and after the holidays sounds perfect–thanks again.
@Omnes Omnibus: omg. I think we need to repeal that week of dec for you.
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: It wasn’t all in the same year. And the marriage was awesome until it wasn’t and the it quickly ended. Also the mugging ended up with me getting free Greek food. Silver linings.
Valdivia
@Omnes Omnibus:
See that is the best attitude, to see silver linings. Also, who can argue with free greek food. That sounds like a story to be told over vino. :)
priscianus jr
I do not use a microwave oven. I have never used a microwave oven. That is all.
Davebo
Reduce the entire rant down to 140 characters and put it on Twitter where I guess it could belong…
Depending on the 140 characters of course.
RAM
Clean the circular piece with the little wheels the glass plate sits on, and clean the track inside the oven in which the little wheels rotate. Make sure the wheels freely rotate. And double check the track they run in on the bottom of the oven. Little dessicated bits of food can get in there and stop the circular thingy from rotating. Then put the glass plate back in and make sure it engages the indents in the rotating mechanism in the center of the oven.
Steeplejack
What ellennelle said. It’s not just a matter of throwing the glass plate on the roller thing. You have to line up all the things in the center.
Regarding microwaves, I have a problem that is so First World that it should be classified upward into some elite “Hamptons” subset—the 0.01% of First World problems.
The problem is that my current microwave, unlike my two previous ones, is not set up so that a timer minute gets you an exact number of revolutions of the glass plate thing. So when I am heating my water for coffee, or reheating my coffee, the handle of the mug or measuring cup does not end up in the same position where it started, i.e., pointing straight out at me. So sometimes I am forced to reach in and grope around for the handle before I can pull out the potentially dangerous container of very hot water.
I now this is incredibly trivial, but it is mildly irritating on a daily basis. It’s not something I ever would have thought of until it started happening. My previous microwaves spoiled me. I wonder if there’s a way to check a microwave’s “revolutions per minute” when shopping.
You may now feel free to mock and deride me.
max
It does not matter what I do, the damned thing comes off track half way through microwaving anything and then I hear it knocking against the glass door, yell god damnit, put it back on its track, and hope it makes the next three minutes without more surgery.
Well, in theory, the track could be dinged or the microwave itself could have a crappy turntable design (I have a Panasonic, works great), however, they intend for you to remove the rotating plate to clean it, which mandates some kind of free-floating bearing design.
A free-floating bearing design like that will always go off the tracks if the microwave isn’t fucking level.
max
[‘So if you don’t have a carpenter’s level, you get a glass one pint measuring cup and fill it with one cup of water and set it inside the microwave and check to see if the thing is level.’]
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: Looking for silver linings? I do that; it’s why I am a liberal. And in your academic area, it is why, despite a through academic grounding in Realism, I tend toward Wilsonian liberal interventionism.
Redshirt
@priscianus jr: Are you afraid of microwaves?
Omnes Omnibus
@Redshirt: My great-greatmother was afraid of them. Of course, she was born in the 1880s and had a pacemaker.
Valdivia
@Omnes Omnibus:
a proud tradition that. And a good combination actually.
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: Well, I am fucking brilliant. Or a bit feverish and having a couple of brandies before bed. I defy you to tell the difference.
Jay S
@Yatsuno: Seattle late night dining. Is the 13 Coins still an option?
chopper, interrupted
i went to kenmore’s website to shop for a new microwave and the website isn’t working right! NYAAAARGGH
BruceFromOhio
@Steeplejack:
Mock!
Deride!
There, you have been mocked and derided. And try using a mug with no handle. After a while you won’t even notice the scars.
Sonora
From an engineer…It’s a system. One of the components is not performing within specs, most likely the moving part…the wheels on the ring are gummed up. A little hot water and detergent will fix ‘me. Good luck.
FlipYrWhig
@Steeplejack: I was laughing and laughing about this. I told my wife, “OK, this is something that’s the _way_ I’m crazy, but, listen to how crazy this is.” I read her your post. She says, not “Man, that IS crazy,” but “Oh, on ours it makes a full revolution every 10 seconds. It IS annoying to have to reach to the back!”
Omnes Omnibus
@FlipYrWhig: I just reach around to the back of the microwave and grab the fucking handle. Have I done something wrong?
FlipYrWhig
@Omnes Omnibus: it never occurred to me to experience it as a problem.
Now, on the other hand, when the spoon is in my cereal bowl before I pour the cereal, god almighty is that annoying.
Steeplejack
@FlipYrWhig:
Vindication is mine!
In my crazier moments I have actually thought about figuring out what my microwave’s RPM rate is and then pressing, e.g., 3:12 instead of 3 minutes to get the handle to come out “right” at the end. But so far I have been too lazy. Plus I know that when you look into the microwave with that level of intensity the microwave is looking into you, as Nietzsche’s housekeeper noted.
Steeplejack
@Omnes Omnibus:
My current microwave is relatively small, so reaching around to the back is a fraught operation.
Omnes Omnibus
@Steeplejack: I don’t look into it. I just wait for it to beep and listen to The Hold Steady.
FlipYrWhig
@Steeplejack: Her advice to you was to watch it revolve 360 degrees, note the time it took, then extrapolate. What can I say, she used to work for the Fed.
Steeplejack
@FlipYrWhig:
Good idea. The main thing contributing to my laziness is that on this microwave you can just press the number 3 for three minutes, 4 for four minutes, etc. Or press the Start button with no time selected for 30 seconds.
I have half-assedly experimented with starting the handle at different angles left or right to see if I can end up with the handle pointing straight out at me. Results inconclusive.
Still think there should be an ISO standard for microwave RPMs.
Death Panel Truck
@Redshirt: Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. It’s good soup even with reduced sodium. Campbell’s version of wedding soup sucks, because it lacks navy beans.
Mary
@cathyx: I was wondering the same thing.
Montarvillois
Get rid of the damn thing. Life can go on without a microwave.
p.a.
@Bill E Pilgrim: that’s it! J.C. isn’t really that technically obtuse; he’s just been auditioning for the Red Green show.
Mardam
Holy crap, John. I hope you thank whatever deity or inanimate object you pray to every day that this is what consumes your daily energy. Hell, for a small retainer, I’ll come to your house and fix it for you every time it manages to raise your blood pressure instead of the temperature of that burrito.
Aimai
@Felonius Monk: its actually soupy cat food but dont tell him.
Thymezone
On Facebook, I said, just take out the carousel and don’t use it, it’s no big deal.
But really, if you don’t like the machine, you can buy one for under fifty bucks at any discount retailer.
What’s next, a post about your squeaky screen door?
Thymezone
Did I mention that I bought some paper towels, and they really aren’t absorbent enough?
Howard Beale IV
John needs a microwave with a rotating dish that’s flush with the rest of the microwave bottom. Most newer microwaves also have a sensor that causes the dish to change direction if the dish can’t move.
Thymezone
@Howard Beale IV:
Made moot if you just take out the dish. Or take out the track and lay the dish in there to give you a flat floor to put your meth beaker on.
The Other Chuck
I used to microwave my soup til I got myself a nice DeBuyer Prima Matera for my induction top. Heats up instantly and I can stir while it heats so it’s even.
Goodness I sound like McMegan.
Howard Beale IV
@The Other Chuck: Induction is quick and consumes less power than the conventional coil/radiant flaptop cooktops. Too bad ranges using induction are insanely high-priced.
Thymezone
Maybe we can take up a collection and get him a wood burning stove.
Anna in PDX
@cathyx: This was my thought. My glass plate does not come off the roller thing because it really can’t.
Anna in PDX
@Botsplainer: Hey, don’t knock Lagos flea markets until you have tried ’em! They were actually great places. I love their indigo dyed fabrics.
dr. luba
I have an ancient microwave (1980) that rotates beautifully. But it’s too big for the kitchen. The only small enough microwave I could find a few years ago was a Sunbeam. It did this too–jumping the track–and then died really quickly. It was for the best.
I replaced it with a small GE–works like a charm. Would highly recommend.
And, as I noted in a previous thread, Whirlpool has really crappy quality now, and has bought out and ruined other firms like Maytag. Beware.