Just a glorious day here- a touch of humidity for a spell but other than that 70-80 degrees, clear blue skies and pillowy clouds. Just perfect, and Shawn and I got a lot of yard stuff done and I got half the garden in. As always, I underestimated the amount of mulch and plants I needed, so we are headed out to the greenery tomorrow to get some more supplies.
A bunch of the fraternity boys are living here over the summer doing internships and working for Building and Grounds, so I have a couple of them down tonight and we are watching some hockey, then maybe a movie, and cooking fajitas. Quick Sidebar- five of the seven guys staying here are black, and all of them are working for B&G. I don’t know if this is just my delicate liberal sensitivity at work, but a number of times during the day all of them will be piled into the back of a pickup truck driving through town to go somewhere else on campus to weed-eat or mow or mulch, etc., but for some reason the sight of six black men (five of whom are my brothers) being driven around in a pick-up truck in my lily white town by their white boss just makes me stop and pause every time it happens. I was talking to Christion and asked him about the whole plantation vibe it gives me, and just told me “I feel you. We’ve talked about it.”
I know I showed you the picture of Christion getting loved on by Rosie, but he is one of my favorite kids and he spends a lot of time here because he is a lot like me. He can’t handle a lot of people talking all the time and sometimes just needs to be left the hell alone, so he comes down a lot and hangs out in the living room while I am working or out doing things. At any rate, whenever the fraternity boys are coming down for dinner for the last year or so, he comes down early and helps me with prep work and I have been teaching him how to cook. He’s a frighteningly quick study- I show him something once, and he can do it the very next time we cook it again -“I got this.”
He still doesn’t have a command of flavors and really doesn’t know how to handle vegetables and season them, but he is fine with most everything else. The one thing that is killing me is his knife skills. It’s just painful to watch. I have really heavy Viking knives and I have showed him how to just use his shoulder with them and use a rocking motion, and I have some Santoku knives and demonstrated how to use them and how you want more of a sawing motion, but every time he grabs any knife and starts to use it it’s like watching a Republican try to be funny or culturally hip. The only way I can accurately describe it is that every time he holds a knife, he holds it in contempt and fear, like the biggest homophobe on the planet being forced at gunpoint to grab another man’s erect penis. It’s just painful to watch.
I ask him why he is like that, and he tells me it is because the knives are so sharp, so they scare him, and I try to point out that dull knives are the dangerous ones, but it falls on deaf ears. Do any of you have any idea how I can teach him how to be comfortable with a knife in the kitchen?
At any rate, just a great day, plus when I went to the Post Office this morning, one of you generous souls had sent me a hand-crafted throw pillow- and that just made the day even though it was only 11:30. It’s beautiful, and thank you!
Hope you all have a good one. Off to watch the final period of the Kings and Blackhawks.
Mnemosyne (iPhone)
Mostly, he needs practice with the knives. Also, make sure he’s keeping his other fingers curled back out of the way of the blade. When I took a cooking class, my pinky finger kept eating to creep into the danger zone, for some reason.
We’re at the 21st century LA version of a drive-in movie at the Autry museum in Griffith Park. “The Big Lebowski” starts on an inflatable screen as soon as it gets dark enough.
jl
Dang it. I just cut my thumb with a knife right now. Probably as bad as any of Cole’s frat boys at it, but I think I can hide it better.
Anyone know any good knife lessons, let me know.
” He still doesn’t have a command of flavors and really doesn’t know how to handle vegetables and season them, but he is fine with most everything else. ”
Give Christion a break, it’s WV, there is only so much you can do with ramps and cabbage.
raven
Got through my annual trek to LZ Friendly, our local Vietnam Vets Memorial Weekend reunion. I’ve been going since it was founded way back in 1985. It’s a bit depressing since it is totally booze centered but I like to go for a few hours, see a couple of brothers that I care about and pay my annual dues. They had a scout troop disposing of American flags by burning them. Pretty strange that one of this things that pisses these guys off so much is also the correct way to dispose of old flags. Anyway it’s over for another year so back to building the garden sidewalk and enjoying a couple of days just dickin around.
Schlemizel
It will just take time to get used to the knives. I was scared of them when I was a kid but after a lot of use (at 14-15 I had to clean and chop a 50 lb bag of onions so a lot of experience) you get used to it.
RSA
If you sharpen your own knives, you might consider giving Christion a lesson. I think that’s one very traditional way to learn about hand tools–have the apprentice get to know how to maintain or even construct a tool before actually using it.
It was a perfect day here in North Carolina. My wife and I sat on the front porch for most of the afternoon, with me working on my laptop and with her looking through picture books. She doesn’t walk very well these days, and so it was a minor success having her go down the steps with me and walk up the driveway to the mailbox, then back again. Good all around.
Danton
Get him a good Chinese vegetable cleaver. It’s slender enough to do cutting you’d do with a knife and it has an edge you can get razor sharp, but it’s not scary pointy like a knife.
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
Gophers at the #1
OregonNike Ducks for the first game of Minnesota’s first ever softball Super Regional. The game’s tied at 1 in the 2nd inning. At least Team Nike’s uniforms aren’t as hideous as what the football team comes out in.I don’t have a TV so I’m at Buffalo Wild Wings to watch and, unfortunately, all of the big screens are showing UFC. God, I hate combat sports.
Hawes
Have him watch a video of a real chef with knives. It’s great to watch artistry before you attempt competency.
And it’s nice that you found Shawn to settle down with.
Gin & Tonic
@RSA: Just wanted to say I read your article. I’d like to think I’d be as good as you have been if I were in similar circumstances, but I worry that maybe I wouldn’t.
chopper
there are some metal doodads out there you can buy that cover your non-chopping fingers kinda like a mini gauntlet.
kinda goofy but the sort of thing might help build some knifing self-confidence.
Culture of Truth
Well he’s not wrong. Sharp knives are more dangerous. He just needs more practice.
scav
Could borrowing a set of different ones, of different qualities and styles and letting him experiment with them help? People do seem to have different styles so different blades might be better for him and getting good blades in close conjunction with bad ones should make the differences really obvious.
maeve
Get a kevlar glove (for non-knife hand)
schrodinger's cat
Start him off with a paring knife instead of a chef’s knife.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
I have never heard of these chopping gauntlets, never thought of anything like it, but now that I know they exist, I want one.
The only cooking show I watch is “Chopped”, and they often talk about “layers of flavors”. Anybody know what the hell that means?
Glocksman
This.
When I was younger I worked as a prep/line cook at a local buffet and it took a month or two for me to get totally comfortable using the knives (really nice Henckels, btw).
I did cut myself a few times the first week, though.
schrodinger's cat
@Jim, Foolish Literalist: Another example of experts using jargon to intimidate the lay people.
hilts
Happy Birthday Bob Dylan!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYnE6Fpkw98
Corner Stone
It’s like grabbing a peni$?
What the fuck? I’m glad you and Shawn found each other and all, but I don’t think everything in life equates to male genitalia.
Ms. Skink in GF Arizona
John Cole, give him one knife and one vegetable. When it has been mastered, move on to another vegetable, not another knife. It is easier to adapt to another vegetable than it is another knife. Start with french onion soup for cry out loud, onion rings, that sort of thing, then move on to peppers, you get the drift. Took me years to become the zen master of all things knifes, and I there are many things I still have to learn. Good luck and also let him find things recipes he wants to make too, THEN he is invested…
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
Ugh. The Gophers are outclassed badly enough that they just can’t commit defensive mistakes that allow two runs to score.
Glocksman
@Culture of Truth:
Dull blades mean you have to exert more force, hence the greater chance of the blade slipping to where you don’t want it to go.
This holds true both in the kitchen and in the warehouse I work at now where I open hundreds of cartons a day for inspection.
ulee
@Corner Stone: It’s on your mind, obviously.
Malovich
Former professional cook here.
First step is holding the knife. You have to hold the knife by the nape of the neck (on the back, near the handle on the steel part) between the thumb and forefinger curled into a pinch. This gives you amazing control of the knife and where it is pointed and where it will cut. That’s one hand down.
The other hand: it serves as a guide, to either hold whatever you’re cutting in place so it doesn’t move (thus throwing your knife off course and possibly cutting something you don’t want cut) or to act as a guide for the knife itself by placing the knuckle against the side of the knife *and never letting the edge come up above the knuckle*.
This takes some getting used to, but it is well worth learning. Start slow, get used to the motions, watch professionals do it on TV, see how often they cut themselves: answer is, damn little. Out of a sixteen year career, I cut myself maybe four times worth mentioning and only one that sent me to the hospital (considering that I handled a knife everyday for over a decade? That’s a safety record worth noting…). The technique and speed builds up with use and practice. Start with crisp veggies and mushrooms, they’re known quantites. You can move onto more complex cuts after your basic skills have improved.
Also, a sharp knife cuts cleaner and less painfully than a dull one. You *do not* want to be cut by a dull knife. It hurts ten times worse and bleeds twice as much.
pseudonymous in nc
French onion soup. Needs a shitload of onions; onions are cheap; messily-chopped onions will still cook well. Or onion rings, if you like. But get him to pick a chef’s knife that he feels comfortable with in terms of weight and balance.
Sharp knives can be more dangerous in certain circumstances (i.e. if you’re cooking in sandals and drop one, so don’t do that) but dull knives encourage you to put force where it’s not needed.
wooflikeabear
There’s a difference between dull, sharp and obscenely sharp. My honesuki knife is just crazy sharp and I have a healthy respect for it because about the second or third time I was using it to debone a chicken I almost sliced my thumb so badly that I would have had six fingers. A lot of knife skills is about being familiar with the knife and after using regular paring knives and santokus, using something different like a honesuki which as a more prominent heel can totally throw you for a loop if u handle it like some other knife.
So give the guy some time to get used to it. Handling strange knives isn’t that easy. Also, it’s quite possible ur knives are too sharp. If ur too scared to brush a finger against the blade because it will slice it open without you feeling it, it’s probably too sharp and you can afford to go down a few degrees.
Malovich
@Mnemosyne (iPhone): Definitely keep the fingers holding whatever you’re cutting out of the damned way. Splaying your fingers out is asking to be cut. My non-cutting hand looks like an eagle claw when I have a knife in the other one.
wooflikeabear
@Corner Stone: Knives are a lot like penises. They all feel different and take some familiarity to handle well ;)
Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN)
@efgoldman: No, I didn’t. It was on earlier. I just don’t care about it as much. More than the basketball game, though.
NotMax
Designate one, and only one, knife to be ‘his’ knife.
If you have a label maker, label it with his name.
Serious about this, it will help.
Also stress that there is NO RUSH when slicing, chopping, dicing, etc..
J.Ty
I, for one, am still reading Whitman. Might play some Katamari later. Maybe make some maps.
Arthur
Allow me to share a tweet from the Baltimore Ravens re: wife beater Ray Rice and his little press conference apology:
Made me want to puke.
RSA
@Gin & Tonic: Thanks, G&T. I’m pretty sure that someone who cares enough to think about such a situation would do the same. I might have mentioned this last week, but I got a couple of dozen email messages from people who shared stories with me about their own lives. They were heartbreaking. There were no happy endings. But people wrote about doing the right thing for their loved ones, and that was good to know.
MikeJ
@NotMax:
This. When people watch food network and see pros moving through bushels of produce in a minute they think they should judge themselves by that scale. Those people have decades of experience. Cut correctly. Speed will come as you do it more.
Mnemosyne (iPhone)
@Malovich:
It was funny, though — I really had to watch my hand because all of the other fingers were fine staying curled, but my pinky kept wanting to see what was going on.
Movie starts soon. BJers would be going crazy because it’s dog central. A puppy named Toby is very interested in getting at the leftovers of my chicken.
Dave
He needs more practice with the knife; preferably in a more relaxed environment. Take him to a seedier part of your area, find a loner alcoholic or some other invisible and let him go to town. Let him work at his own pace, just give him some basic guidelines, like “try not to score any bones”. He’ll get there in his own time.
Hal
Someone’s been reading Lindsey Graham’s diary again.
Also, I taught myself how to cook watching cooking shows. I’m not a great cook, and I suck at baking, but there are a few dishes I can make really well, and that my family and friends have liked. Also taught me how to dice an onion. Thanks Anne Burrell!
greennotGreen
When I was a kid, I had a terrible nightmare about disembodied arms that floated around a mansion and stabbed people to death. When I awoke in terror, I was so scared I couldn’t even call for my mother because I couldn’t make any sound. Finally, I made enough noise to call her, she came in and comforted me enough that I could go to sleep again, and the fucking dream continued where it had left off! Until I was in college I looked behind doors to make sure there were no disembodied arms with knives there. In my mid-twenties I once walked out of the kitchen at night because I didn’t want to be alone with the knives.
I eventually got over it and quite like knives now although I’m not especially skilled (I mean, how much skill do you need, really, to cut a few slits in the top of a microwave dinner?)
So, cut Christion some slack – compared to me when I was his age, he’s doing great.
goblue72
@Malovich: Do what this Malovich guy here says.
Only thing I’d add is, my general impression is the average home cook buys a chef’s knife that is too narrow, particularly at the heel. (6 years in pro kitchens myself) Makes it more difficult to keep the knife edge below the knuckle when using the knife. I have a 45+ year old knife from Chicago Cutlery from the late 1960s (back when they were sold only to butchers and professional kitchens) from my father’s CIA days (retired chef). Nice heavy steel with a heel 2 1/4 ” across. Easy peasy to keep the blade down with it. Holds a nice edge too for longer than my newer stuff.
? Martin
Interesting choice of imagery…
MikeJ
@MikeJ
I’ll reply to myself here. It’s sometimes disheartening to think that it may take years to get to the skill level you want. Cooking is special though. You are going to eat every day for the rest of your life. It’s not something you have to go out of your way to practice. You don’t have to go to a gym, you don’t have to join a club. Cook for yourself and your friends and family and keep doing it.
Stay at it and you’ll get better if you pay attention to what you are doing.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@RSA: ZOMG I read it also and I’m honored to post here with you. I’m glad you could offer an electronic/virtual ear to the folks who emailed you.
Malovich
@goblue72: The only additional thing I could possibly add in the training aspect is to practice the motions without cutting anything at all. Just learn the feel of holding the knife, placing the side against the knuckle of the other hand and carefully raising and lowering the knife, keeping the edge below knuckle height, get used to that rocking motion, practice, put a mushroom under there, adjust, go through the motions slowly to figure out how you’re going to take on that bad boy, and keep going.
Once you have a feel for where the edge is in relation to your guiding knuckle, you’re set to learn how to manage all sorts of things. Set your pace, learn carefully.
Trinity
Be patient.
greennotGreen
@Gin & Tonic: What article by RSA? Link, please.
schrodinger's cat
@? Martin: Sometimes a knife is not a knife.
RSA
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q): Thanks. I think it helps people to tell their stories–not in a misery-loves-company way, but just to make a connection. That’s the way it works for me, at least. BJ is a good community.
JaneE
He will get better with practice. Show him proper technique – how to hold food and keep your fingers out of the way. Keep the knives sharp. I am 67 and still scared of knives. But I have learned how to use them reasonably well. You would probably cringe to see me with them, but I manage to get dinner on the table most days. Unless he is using them dangerously, just let him figure it out.
wasabi gasp
Be robed.
RSA
@greennotGreen: The story of my life.
Walker
Maybe I have too sheltered an upbringing to comprehend this, but why on Earth does anyone do an internship with Building & Grounds? A summer job or work study I understand. But an internship implies some sort of educational credit for a major program.
Are they getting an architecture or landscaping degree?
Anoniminous
Teach him to hold the vegetable being cut with his fingernails parallel to the knife like this. It’s called “the claw.” Dang near impossible to cut yourself that way. Here’s a short introductory video.
Gin & Tonic
@greennotGreen: It was a week or two ago, not sure. I’ve been traveling and pretty preoccupied with other issues, so I haven’t been around much. Maybe it’d be best for him to chime in.
BruinKid
This is what now passes for libertarian thought now. This screed about the UCSB killer is from Christopher Cantwell, one of the regular contributors to Lew Rockwell’s site (you know, the guy who actually wrote all those incredibly racist Ron Paul newsletters):
Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cantwell.
Anoniminous
@goblue72:
And the average home cook buys cheap knives that are ill-balanced and won’t hold an edge thus making the task awkward and more difficult.
John (MCCARTHY) Cole
@WalkerOne is working an internship. The others are working.
jl
Thanks for the tips on knife skills, commenters. I see kitchen knife skills is a major sub-genre on youtube. I guess I should watch some. But why lie, I am clumsy and careless and always rushing the chopping, because I see famous chefs chop it up all quick on the TV! So, that is the way you’re supposed to do it,right?
Of course.
I bought some tofurkey at the store because it was half off. Italian sausage flavored. Now I understand tofurkey humor. I don’t remember an specific jokes, but am chuckling anyway, since they must be good. I guess I’ll crumble up the rest of the crud and put in beans or something, since the flavor isn’t to bad if gussied up with some other stuff.
jl
@Anoniminous: I didn’t notice that video until now. Thanks. It’s good.
Joseph Nobles
Never try to catch a falling penis.
Steeplejack
@Danton at #6 (link omitted to allow three links below):
A santoku would answer that too—not scary pointy.
Another idea, Cole, is to get Christion his own knife—maybe a starter chef’s knife like this (with a blade case for portability). He might want to practice on his own time, when he’s not under the watchful eye of Cole the master. And tell him when he comes over to bring his knife if you’re going to be cooking. Ownership of tools is an important thing, too.
The Victorinox knives are inexpensive but good quality, and the Fibrox handles are comfortable and non-slippery.
Also, Cole, it’s bad luck to give a gift of knives—so sell it to him for a quarter.
greennotGreen
@RSA: Thank you for the link and for the article.
Ruckus
@Anoniminous:
After learning to hold the chopped item that way the next step is to take time to be smooth. Go slow, let the knife cut. With a sharp knife you don’t need a lot of pressure, drawing the knife back will slice through most veg. Speed is never an issue for home cooking. Chiefs working a kitchen sure, but at home? Cut slowly, with a sharp knife, pulling back and learning will be easier because control will be easier. Practice and muscle memory will win the day.
Little Boots
I am so sorry, buddy. I was a dick, sorry boddy.
Anoniminous
@jl:
You’re welcome.
@Ruckus:
Agree. Time consuming to learn, proper technique makes things easier and, eventually, faster. The first time I minced the Holy Trinity* for etouffee I think it took me 45 minutes, now I can do it in under 15. Still not restaurant speed but I’m not running a restaurant.
* onion, bell pepper, celery
Suzanne
So on Monday night, my mom called and told me, “Uh, my house got foreclosed on. I’m moving in with you for the summer. This weekend.” So today was all about moving out as much of her stuff as we could and loading it into our house. As it so happens, my office is also moving this week, and I have to be done packing on Tuesday, and then I have to work from home for the rest of the week because I will have no workstation (but still have two major deadlines). And Mr. Suzanne’s school got closed and they are moving to a new campus, and he has to bring everything home. It is just chaos around here.
jl
@Anoniminous: I think I use knives that are too small. All the videos show them using these big whomping knives for dicing and stuff. I figure, if the chopee is limp and or little, then the chopper should be little too.
If I can find an excuse, I reach for the paring knife. But the videos show paring knives only for sissy stuff like peeling and coring, which I never do. I guess I need to throw away my paring knife. But I am too cheap to by a good big knife.
What I’ll do is figure out how to cook and eat without using any damn knives. Tofurky might come in handy even if it is weird. That is my natural approach to solving household problems.
Steeplejack
@Suzanne:
So sorry to hear that. Didn’t you have this problem (homelessness and depression) with your mother before, or am I thinking of someone else? And how/why did she let it get to the point of imminent foreclosure without saying anything (assuming that’s what she did)?
Sorry if this sounds querulous and judgmental. I have a semi-crazy friend who’s always getting into self-inflicted scrapes, and I found that I really needed to vent somewhere so that I could be smiling and supportive while actually helping him. So vent away! Er, if that’s what you need.
Steeplejack
@jl:
Check out the 6" chef’s knife I mentioned above. It can handle most manly “chef’s knife” tasks, but it’s small enough to go down into the utility/paring knife zone for, uh, paring and making sandwiches, etc. I got one for a friend with small hands, and she likes it a lot.
jl
@Steeplejack: Thanks, I’ll check it out. I’m so effing lazy about kitchen stuff. I was complaining once about how a ‘bad knife’ was squashing the tomatoes when I tried to slice them. And was told “Uh, hello!, it isn’t a ‘bad knife’, it’s just dull’
Add lazy, and that knife was just like me.
Steeplejack
Couldn’t resist—Bryan Adams, “Cuts Like a Knife.”
Corner Stone
Why is everyone acting like Christion is too slow to understand not cutting his own fingers off?
I see a lot of advice that makes me wonder if we are talking about Blair’s cousin from Facts of Life.
Suzanne
@Steeplejack: Yes, last year she almost lost her house, threatened suicide, so I had to commit her to a behavioral health facility. She came and lived with me for a couple of months. She’s been clinically depressed since I was a young teenager. Ever since her stay at the hospital last year, she’s been getting medical care and taking her meds, and the difference has been remarkable (the ACA had been an absolute godsend). However, she’s still lost a lot of the ability to run her life, and she’s got lots of issues of shame and pride wrapped up in it. I think in the long run it’s for the best, since she doesn’t really have the energy or skills to manage the house anymore—depression and the after-effects of a bout of encephalitis have kicked her around the block. I just wish my house had one more bedroom/bath. There’s now five people, two dogs, three cats, and a fish. And it is SO MESSY and I have SO MUCH DIRTY LAUNDRY.
Steeplejack
@Corner Stone:
No one’s acting like he’s too slow. They are reacting to:
Anoniminous
@jl:
If you are small I’ll bet the basic problem is your work surface is too high. It should be at roughly belly-button height or maybe even a couple of inches below that. Get higher than your belly button and it is physically impossible to properly hold the knife, properly use an 8″ or 10″ knife, keep the food stable on the cutting board, and be comfortable doing all that.
Corner Stone
@Steeplejack: No, sorry. People are telling Cole to label a “special” knife just for him.
“Now, here Christion. This is your knife. There are many like it, but this one is yours.”
Steeplejack
@Suzanne:
Could you ask the fish to move out? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
Okay, I’m going to break that rule and give advice on what to do instead of honoring your space and sympathizing with your emotions, but you hit a nerve with laundry. I don’t know how old your kids are—or your husband, for that matter—but can they take over some/all of the laundry chores? These days it’s dead easy: load the washer, throw in one of those detergent “pods”—you don’t even have to measure!—mash a couple of buttons, and boom! Same/similar for the dryer. Folding, ironing (if any) and redistribution are a bit gnarlier, but any help is help, right?
I actually like doing laundry. I think it’s the biggest bang for the least effort of all household chores. Unless you have to go out to do it. ::shudder::
jl
@Anoniminous: I’m basically a John G. Cole type, on a good day, except I go to the gym and run. Thanks for the advice. I just use the counter top and slice on a big plate. I been thinking about setting up something better for cooking. My cutting board thing disappeared somehow. You are working with the rawest clay here.
Suzanne
@Steeplejack: Oh, we all pitch in. It’s just been a hard couple of weeks (finishing school year for husband and kids, big work projects for me), and I could use a clone.
Steeplejack
@Corner Stone:
Balderdash. There is a well-known kitchen tradition that a chef’s knife is (or should be) his own. Just mentioned again in Jon Favreau’s new movie Chef (worth seeing, by the way).
And it is worthwhile to get comfortable with one tool while you’re learning the techniques. It’s probably easier to learn to drive using the same car all the time than using a different car at each lesson.
Anoniminous
@Anoniminous:
This has a good example of proper work surface height. Go to :30 and pause. See how her elbows are close to her sides and the slight downward angle of her forearms? That’s what you want.
Corner Stone
@Steeplejack: You sound stupid.
jl
@Corner Stone:
“Now, here Christion. This is your knife. There are many like it, but this one is yours.”
Sounds too sensitive for Cole. He could try a mix of drill sarge and WV mountain man. “OK, you kid, today we are knifing up, this is your kitchen adapted K-bar x-90 knife. There’s the manual, be able to name the parts and display the basic grips tomorrow by 1400 or you will wish you were never born. This is YOUR knife, it is your life, it will stand by you through kitchen strife. You’ll sing that and like it. I am requisitioning it to you for a quarter, that’s the tradition. It’ll really be yorin’ when we go away ip the holler yawwlll kill and skin a bar with it.”
bago
Sexy knife play worked for my friend. Nothing like having a gay man draw his blade backwards across your chest. /Things you type at a 40th birthday party.
Corner Stone
@jl: That was the Old Cole. The pre- New Era of Civility Cole.
Corner Stone
@bago: Zorro?
? Martin
@jl: I think Cole should carry it over to him, trip, jam it into the kid’s leg as he falls, and tell him ‘When you yank that out, it’s yours. Wash it off before you start using it though.’
JR
Go buy a 10 lb sack of potatoes, then tell him to slice them into potato chips.
Steeplejack
@Corner Stone:
That’s easy to understand, since you are notoriously tone-deaf.
bago
In other words, this is how Comcast sucks. http://1drv.ms/1nGTfNH
Ruckus
@jl:
One of those plastic cutting boards with what looks like rubber bumps on the backside works much better than a plate. Cheap at most stores that sell any kind of housewares. Ralph’s(a CA Kroger brand) here has a decent selection. You want a flat, stable surface that the knife won’t hurt and that won’t dull the knife, which a plate will do. There are lots of knife sharpening dodads out there, I’m old school and use sharpening stones because I’ve got them and learned to use them decades ago. But never mind the hard way get a dodad and follow the instructions, most of the ones I’ve seen do an adequate job. Look at the pic @Anoniminous: posted, that’s how to safely hold what you are cutting, place the knife about one third of the way from the handle onto the object and gently pull back with slight pressure on the knife. Sliced whatever, fingers should be intact.
YellowJournalism
OT and sorry if someone else mentioned it but anyone who is on Twitter should heck out #YesAllWomen. Powerful.
jl
@? Martin: That kind of crap could happen, you know. It would with me, for sure. I would bury the knife into a big block of styrofoam, like it was Marths Stweart excalibur, and push it over to the kitchen carefully before anyone else got there. Then tell the kid to watch some youtubes on how the knife worked, and then he could pull it out and try it. I would explain to him that if I had anything to do with it, something would go wrong.
I guess I should stick to teaching statistics.
Anoniminous
@jl:
Even Paul Prudhomme started out knowing nothing. When I started I could, on a good day, quarter tomatoes without turning them into smoosh. It’s just deciding to learn and taking it slow, concentrating on doing it right, while you build muscle memory.
jl
@Anoniminous:
@Ruckus:
Thanks for the advice. I will try knifing up like a proper cooksperson. Maybe slicing a dime size slice of skin off my thumb earlier this evening inspires me to try.It finally stopped oozing blood, which is good.
Ruckus
@jl:
I have a major scar with many stitches from misusing a razor knife in an industrial setting, no food was involved. Not to get you too excited but food is much easier to safely slice than what I had to do and you can make the conditions much better than where I was at the time. Taught me two things, both learned the hard way. First, always keep body parts away from the sharp edge of the knife, even an unexpected trajectory, which is what got me. Second, the surface that you cut on should not be smooth and hard, like a plate or a piece of steel, also what got me. When the knife touches the cutting surface it should never be deflected. That’s why you want a cutting board and you slice slowly and hold the object like the picture. As one of those english chiefs has been heard to say, easy, peasy, lemon squeezy .
Anoniminous
@jl:
Hope I was of service.
Louis
My head chef used to threaten to cut me and save me the trouble of doing it myself. I believed him.@jl:
sm*t cl*de
Teh daughter gets annoyed when I am chopping veges. Apparently it winds her up when I cut zucchinis and every slice is exactly 6.5 mm thick.
Keith G
@Steeplejack: Your Victorinox guidance is spot on.
I cook, bake, and therefore, chop & cut for a living. In fact I am leaving for work in a few. Victorinox chef’s knifes are what I buy for work and home.
Victorinox knifes are as fully functional and easy to use as any priced at multiple times higher. Their design of grip, weight, balance, and blade make them feel part of one’s hand. And since they start at $25, they do not intimidate a new user.
gogol's wife
What a beautiful essay. Sorry I missed it overnight.
gogol's wife
Plus — I’m much older than Christion, but I have the same attitude toward knives. Always will.
Just Some Fuckhead
Thanks for preventing us from having the conversation we needed to have, Corner Stone.
Asshole.
J R in WV
I learned to chop vegs in a Navy Galley. It was typical to get a sheet of paper with an order for one dish, 10 pounds of celery diced, 25 pounds of onions sliced, 15 pounds of green peppers diced. One dish… there were usually 5 or 6 dishes with veges in them. 3 meals a day, plus the grill line which did burgers/dogs/fish sandwiches/fries.
After a couple of days, I went to the Chief who ran the kitchen, asked for actual peelers to save money, sharpeners for knives to save money. He got them for us. I got the ideas from looking up the books to test for rating as cooks, the USN’s own textbooks.
Not too long ago we were going to go next door for the annual winter solstice dinner. I had roasted a bunch of Jalapenos, and was mincing them. Cut the end of my left ring finger off~!!!! Wow, the pepper juice really helped that! As others have written up above, even pro cooks get cut from time to time. I didn’t go to the hospital, just put ice on it, a pressure bandage, and held it up above my head for several hours. As someone said, it quit oozing after a while.
I healed up OK. It was tender for a while, but never got to smelling bad, so I know it wasn’t infected. We spent a week with friends at a beach house, one was a DVM, and they would smell it twice a day to be sure infection had not set in. Probably illegal for them to smell a human finger, even tho infection smells the same for all mammals.
I’m a little more careful now, but that was the worst injury in 50 years of cooking. My Mom wasn’t a breakfast person, coffee and a cig was all she wanted in the am. So I was cooking breakfast standing on a box, or going next door to grandparents if the weather was OK. Green eggs and Ham? Sure! I knew where the food coloring was…
Christian will do OK, the advice on here is pretty good. Watching youtube is OK, too bad you can’t slow that down to see what they’re doing in detail. He should take his time. Don’t hurry.