So last week, I ripped my last pair of cargo shorts. I had worn them until they were so thread bare that when I caught a pocket on a doorknob stumbling around in my usual ogre-like fashion, it ripped them all the way down the side. I went to the store, picked up some more, but also picked up a pair of the same shorts but only 7″ instead of 9″ leg or whatever it is called. Why am I telling you this? Stay with me.
Today, I traveled to go to some meetings, and during a break I sat outside for a while on a bench watching people walk by and just generally enjoying the day. It was kind of hot and humid, but I was in the shade and had on my new shorts, and they were quite comfortable. Sat there for a good bit, checking my email, reading the news online, etc. After about a half hour, I went to scratch my thigh, and to my horror, discovered a testicle protruding from the left side of my shorts. I should probably be more specific. It wasn’t just a testicle, as if some strange testicle was in my pants, it was MY testicle sticking out. I don’t even know how the logistics for someone else’s testicle sticking out of my shorts would work, but it’s probably the only thing more horrifying than discovering your own sticking out after about 500 people have walked by the bench while you were sitting there. All I’ve done since is retrace from memory (or try to) the facial expressions of people as they walked by to see if I remember anyone giggling or looking traumatized, and I’ve had a mortified shame feeling all day since.
In unrelated news, later on, I had a work related pot luck sort of thing for veterans, and I went with a colleague. We sat down, and some people we did not know joined us. One of them was a young woman about 25-30 or so, and she was just super sweet and super nice (she has a boyfriend so that is not where I am going with this), and she smiled at the right times and was effortlessly graceful and pleasant and just was one of those people whose mere presence make you feel good about everything, my miserable self-loathing self included. And when I say nice, I don’t mean that stilted fake nice that you see a lot at work events, or the really forced jittery nervous nice you see from people who hate to be in crowds and are overcompensating while the whole time keeping an internal count on how long they have been there and how long before they can leave through a side door when no one is looking, or the sacchariney sweet nice you get from religious nutters when you know they are foul-mouthed judgmental “FUCK THE GAYS” hypocrites in private. Just a genuinely nice person. I realized then that I don’t quite know how to deal with people like her. I’m so cynical and jaded that I was mostly silent the entire time because I just didn’t want to fuck up the moment with some dyspeptic or inappropriate remark. But it was really nice to know that those people still exist out in the wild.
I guess that’s it. I paid no attention to politics at all today, but I did step in Thurston shit when I got home, so I feel like I am up to date on the news.
DougJ
Great post!
biscuits
I walked around the office all day with my zipper down. In a law office. The derp is strong!
Wallis Lane
The Adventures of John Cole, Inadvertent Sex Offender. This week’s episode; “Balls Out”
geg6
You’re killing me, Cole. I almost choked on my Pinot.
And sorry I haven’t emailed Lovey pics. Absolutely swamped at work and home. At work, move-in week. At home, one word: Lovey.
Roger Moore
But Thurston isn’t a bull.
Anne Laurie
Look on the bright side, Cole — if it wasn’t your home turf, you won’t have to worry about colleagues/students/neighbors spreading the news about you spreading your thighs…
MomSense
We’re you going commando?
Aaron
I was really expecting this story to turn into bands of sunburn.
beltane
This makes me happy I don’t have testicles.
Gin & Tonic
I think there’s less of a chance of a testicle hanging out of your shorts all day if you wear underwear. But your choice, of course.
The Other Bob
When people are that nice, its simple. Ask them open ended questions about themselves and then listen. You will be equally nice.
Felonius Monk
That’s just nutz, John.
Omnes Omnibus
Dese nuts?*
*Someone had to go there.
GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)
Well, I can tell you for certain that my balls don’t hang seven inches.
So….compression shorts are your friend.
SiubhanDuinne
This is probably, no, for sure, the most awesome sentence I have ever read in my life. And I’ve read straight through Finnegans Wake, twice, so I know from awesome sentences.
Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA
Okay, I can post now that I’ve stopped laughing.
Happily, I have no testicles myself. However:
I didn’t realize Muppet had figured out how to chew holes in clothes while I was wearing them. I’d go out at night in shorts and a t-shirt to walk her, not realizing there was a gaping hole in the back of the shorts. And here I thought she was just bonding with me when she was cuddling up behind me while I napped.
And I too have stepped in Muppet shit. Barefoot. Last night. She’s supposed to be more or less housetrained.
Shakes one’s confidence, it does.
SiubhanDuinne
@GHayduke (formerly lojasmo):
Can you tie ’em in a knot?
Can you tie ’em in a bow?
NotMax
Quasi-obligatory music cue:
Let It All Hang Out
SteveinSC
I was in a rush to get to Walmart this afternoon, changed shorts, bought my shit, headed home and then remembered to zip my shorts up. Went Commando and no one noticed is the bad part.
P.S. In Kabuki News (aka pay no mind to the man behind the curtain) French quotidien “Le Point” is reporting that non other than “They are going to Kill the Joos” Netanyahu is in back-stairs negotiations with Hamas on a separate peace agreement in Iran-backed, Hamas owned Gaza. Uh yeah that’s Iran-backed Hamas. Linkage anyone? Only the rubes like Hagee, the Repukes, Bible-thumpers, and Boner are stupid enough to think the Kabuki is the real show.
Omnes Omnibus
@SiubhanDuinne: Oh dear god. The whole song came back to me in a rush.
TaMara (BHF)
OMG, posts like these need a warning. No drinks near the keyboard and have a good explanation to anyone nearby why you are laughing hysterically.
ETA: Because “John’s Testicles” probably not a good thing to say aloud.
Emma
Damn it,John! I’m just getting over the flu and hysterical laughter just triggered a coughing fit.
AliceBlue
@NotMax:
I had completely forgotten that song existed and now I have an earworm.
p.a.
Fortunate you were in the shade, although a little sun on the scroat might’ve warned you sooner.
@SiubhanDuinne: Nice comparison. I was thinking Faulkner, but then the consciousness-stream would need to be more self-referential.
Benw
@Gin & Tonic: I’m with JC on this one: I loathe underwear of any kind and resist it at every opportunity. I don’t care if my ball hangs out and I end up a registered sex offender in 13 counties.
Ruckus
John Cole
I’d say we’ve all been there, but that would be a lie. Letting the boys air out in pubic should be restrained to places like a nude beach. At which time the only people who care are the one’s on top of the cliffs with binoculars.
Time Travelin'
Two things.
First, I recently was in a meeting with a woman exactly like the one you described and I also was thrown off by the light she brought to the room every time she spoke.
Second, HOW LOW ARE YOUR BALLS HANGING THAT THEY COME OUT OF CARGO SHORTS? Get to a doctor, man.
Iowa Old Lady
See, your mother was right when she told you to always wear clean underwear.
rea
Since this is an open thread, can I scream in excitement over Tiger pitcher Daniel Norris homering off John Lester in his first professional at-bat?
Steve
John your kinda in between middle age and the next tier. Thing like this still bother you but you’ll get over it. At this stage in your life, teenage girls will begin opening doors for you at the local convenience store. As soon as 25 to 30 year old males start holding the door for you’ll know you graduated.
SiubhanDuinne
@Omnes Omnibus:
I know. I have given myself an earworm that will take me straight through until tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m., when the Foxtrot from Threepenny Opera takes over.
Zippity
@Omnes Omnibus: Too many rugby sing-a-longs!
SteverinoCT
@Aaron:
I was thinking sunburn, too: I just had knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus, and have been able to ditch the brace I’ve been wearing since spring. First day outside: sunburn city.
Omnes Omnibus
@Zippity: Childhood. That one never came up in my years of playing rugby. Swing low, Sweet Chariot did though.
El Caganer
@SteveinSC: I read somewhere (and I don’t remember where) a couple weeks ago that Hamas had offered Israel a 99-year cease-fire.
SiubhanDuinne
@p.a.:
I love sentences that just go on and on and on. I’m sure there are better comparisons than Joyce, but FW was the first thing that came to mind.
Mnemosyne (tablet)
G and I both thought of the same classic line from “Friends”:
I concur that this post needed a warning, because I was eating a salad and almost needed the Heimlich maneuver.
NotMax
In Mr. Cole’s neck of the woods:
RSA
@Benw:
“What’s one more?”
:-)
kc
If you’re that impressed by someone being nice, you should probably get out more.
I mean you should, not your testicle.
rikyrah
LOL Cole.
you have odd adventures.
Luci
I SO needed this tonight. I’m just home from a long day at work, I slept badly last night, stepped in a wet and nasty hairball in my stocking feet as I got dressed for work this morning, and the only saving grace is that the day finally ended and nothing went too badly to hell… That’s not saying much, but it IS something. So, a good laugh about John’s balls and someone else stepping in something was just what I needed. I feel ever so much better now. Thanks!
Luci
@Aaron… Yup… I thought it would be bands of sunburn at first too…
TaMara (BHF)
@Gin & Tonic: I think we’re just lucky he remembered the pants (shorts).
different-church-lady
@rea: Sometimes it can seem like pitchers are actual baseball players.
gogol's wife
@beltane:
Me too! But I often feel that way.
redshirt
Jesus you’re a sad sack!
dskasak
As we learned from This Is Spinal Tap, you can’t dust
vomittesticles for fingerprints.Suzanne
LMMFAOOOOO. God, I love this site.
In other LMMFAOOOOOOO news, I cannot stop laughing about Josh Duggar having two Ashley Madison accounts.
Almost as funny: my ex-husband has one, too. He and I broke up before Ashley Madison was a thing, so he must have been looking to cheat on his second ex-wife.
I am trying to decide if or how I should inform his current girlfriend of this news.
Goblue72
Didn’t you once say you wanted Mickey Avalon’s My Dick played at your funeral or will reading?
redshirt
If it were possible to step on one’s dick, Cole would find a way.
Suzanne
@Ruckus:
LMMFAO oh Christ.
ET
Testicles and dog shot. We do come here for the edifying conversation. … Not.
Personally, I come for the laughs.
PhoenixRising
Cole, I have never been happier to possess internal gonads than I am right now.
On the OPEN THREAD aspect: How you know SOS John Kerry is as serious as a heart attack about the Iran deal is that he’s sending Joe Wilson to my reform congregation to make the pitch to the elders. I’m thinking of attending, assuming that the chemo (for my mom) and the litigation (for my business) permit. Because it’s like that around here.
p.a.
@SiubhanDuinne: Here’s one that will test you. Not lit., it’s econ history
About 150 pages, with (seemingly) 4 paragraphs total. I never finished. Recommended for insomniacs.
p.a.
@redshirt: I see what you did there.
SiubhanDuinne
@p.a.:
Gotta admit, the title alone is enough to send me straight into the loving embrace of Morpheus. If it were available cheap on Kindle, I’d probably download it just for the lulz.
p.a.
@SiubhanDuinne: btw, can you post a phonetic guide to your screen name? If it’s Celtic I assume pronounciation is only passingly associated with the actual letters.
Dr.McCoy
What store?
What store still has cargo shorts this late in the season?
redshirt
@efgoldman: Who knows? Some random dick that just happened to be on the front steps? Anything’s possible with Cole.
pacem appellant
Oh dear gods. You resurrected a repressed memory of when I was in seventh grade at a summer sports camp (I don’t do sports, so I *really* didn’t belong), and my new turquoise shorts let my testicle descent outside my underwear for the full view of the whole basketball court. The eighth-grade girls at the camp mocked me relentlessly (they already were, but this was some potent ammo) for my prepubescent slippage. For the rest of the camp, I sat in the bleachers and read the novelization of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I quit on sports until after college. I had three pairs of those shorts. I hated them and switched to pants for the next fifteen years.
Dr.McCoy
@Omnes Omnibus: Deez Nuts has 9% of the vote in N. Carolina.
Culture of Truth
That’s pretty mortifying. But probably nobody noticed.
Probably.
redshirt
@Culture of Truth: Have you seen Cole? No one was looking. No one saw a thing.
Just Some Fuckhead
I’m always real nice to the testicle flaunters on the public benches. Some times I’ll even shake their ball sweat soaked hand.
jibeaux
John, much laughter, thanks, and a modest proposal.
Today PPP released a report that independent candidate Deez Nuts was polling at 9%. That’s higher than half of the candidates at the Republican debate. Well, some spoil sport had to go and find out that it was actually some incredibly bored fifteen year old kid from a tiny town in Iowa or something, who isn’t even legally named. Deez Nuts. BUT! You can totally coattail this thing. You’re over 35, right? Change your name and ride the fame. If the Donald doesn’t get the nom, join forces as the Trump Deez Nuts ticket. This is foolproof.
Just Some Fuckhead
I think the takeaway here is treat John Cole right and he’ll feature you in a story headlined by his genitals. Tell me what purdy lady ain’t gonna reach for that brass cock ring.
Omnes Omnibus
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Sensible ones.
GregB
This post should get nominated for The Golden Ball Pouch Award at the next Nut Root Nation convention.
Jay C
So this is prestigious blogger John Cole’s day: 1) Tore his pants and had to buy new ones; 2) inadvertently sunned his testicle for the edification of his townfellows; 3) met a really nice person, and is still blown away that there even ARE really nice people in the world; 4) stepped in dogshit.
Even with the dog-poop, that’s still better than a lot of folks’ days: I love Balloon Juice….
@Dr.McCoy:
Must be a modern retail thing: my wife bought me five pairs of cargo shorts for my birthday (6/22), which just arrived yesterday. Three out of the five actually fit; which isn’t a bad percentage for online…
Suzanne
@Jay C: Doesn’t Old Navy have cargo shorts almost year-round?
Omnes Omnibus
@Suzanne: You live in Arizona.
redshirt
I’ve been meaning to pick up some cargo shorts.
Now I’ll go with cargo jorts.
Suzanne
@Omnes Omnibus: Oh my God, it’s been like 117 (no exaggeration) for the last week and I contemplate suicide when I go outside.
Omnes Omnibus
@Suzanne: We hit a max of about 66 here today. I welcome your hatred.
seaboogie
Hah! I knew where this might be headed as soon as you mentioned the inseam measurement of your shorts. My late husband was a total shorts guy – we lived in Vancouver, so shorts season there is pretty long, even if his shorts were not.
I remember a brunch with his parents and his Aunt visiting from Ireland. He had his legs crossed in manly fashion, and I glanced to my side to see one of his “boys” lolling below the hem. Ahem! said I discreetly, and he tucked the fellow back in, but probably not before Aunt Drusilla got a good look at the hairy ball in question.
On his last day he had done some clothes shopping, including a few pairs of shorts and I found his purchases on the kitchen table before I ultimately discovered him dead from a heart attack on the floor of our bedroom.
I had him dressed in his new shorts and T-shirt before he was cremated, and on whatever level he was still around, I think that he probably dug that.
I threw a rocking memorial garden party in our back yard because he was such an avid gardener. He worked props in film and television, so I had his favorite craft services company cater the event, and hired a bunch of session musicians to play blues music. Most of his film friends showed up in shorts too. It was pretty cool, and remembered by all as being surpisingly fun, considering the nature of the occasion. Ironically, it was probably the best party I’ve ever thrown.
Suzanne
@Omnes Omnibus: I don’t have enough energy for hatred—I’m just trying to make it from drive-thru to drive-thru to keep hydrated.
redshirt
@seaboogie: wow.
Ruckus
@seaboogie:
That does sound like a good party. I think we should always celebrate the life led. That’s the part we have some say in. Everything else is chance. My sisters party was a Quaker circle, of about 80-100 people total, maybe 5-6 were Quakers, most had no idea. But it’s great, people stand up and tell something about the person, funny, sad, happy, personal, professional, how you met, whatever. There is no order to it, when someone is done, someone else stands up and speaks. No time limit, no subject limitations. When no one is up and talking, silence. If you don’t have the whatever to stand up, no problem, if you aren’t ready, no problem.
redshirt
@Ruckus: What happens if multiple people stand up at the same time?
redshirt
@seaboogie: I meant “wow” in an amazing way, by the way.
Mnemosyne (tablet)
@Ruckus:
That sounds like a traditional Irish wake, but with less booze and fewer fistfights.
Lee Barron
I must thank you, John. Tonight was very challenging at work and the laughing this post led to was much needed. The Thurston poop almost killed me…I could not catch my breath! I love Balloon-juice!
seaboogie
@redshirt: I got that.
Steve Alcott
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cALMqlFUebI
JohnM
The struggle is real.
Steeplejack (tablet)
@seaboogie:
That is an awesome story. Sarah Proud and Tall level. Thank you for sharing it.
leeleeFl
BTW-I think “John’sTesticles”would be a great name for an indy band. However, I am really tired and somewhat punchy.
seaboogie
@Steeplejack (tablet): Best compliment I have ever received – blowing kisses to you…!!!
Frivolous
I am aghast and horrified. But glad no one made a big deal about poor John.
mclaren
Cole, you’re lucky you didn’t get arrested for public indecency, charged with a sex crime, and forced to register as a sex offender for life. That’s the way it’s going in today’s crazy society…
patrick II
If your balls are hanging below a pair of 7″ shorts you may want to consider a scrotum-lift. Sean Connery claimed the operation was his secret to being named People’s Sexiest man alive a few years back.
NotMax
@patrick II
But then one has to comb the hairs a la Trump.
:)
redshirt
Are there no ball bras out there for the discerning gentleman?
dm
Always go for the longer shorts, John. They ride up when you sit down.
Arclite
What you’re telling us is that since a 9″ short is sufficient to cover you, but a 7″ short is not, that your testicles have sagged to the 8″ mark.
Arclite
@leeleeFl:
I think it should be “The TestiColes.”
Sam Dobermann
No words.
Just chortles. And a few snorts.
And yes THAT song is looping through my mind especially “Can you throw them over your shoulder” but then I thought of Thurston. Does he fetch balls when you throw them?
I vote “The TestiColes.”
low-tech cyclist
Well, now we all know what John Cole’s answer to “Do Your Balls Hang Low” would be!
@SiubhanDuinne:
And can he sling ’em over his shoulder like a Continental soldier?
Mobile RoonieRoo
Reading this in the morning when I have low blood sugar was dangerous. I nearly passed out from laughing. Grumpy says that you need a tattoo saying “Born to be a lesson to others. “
Trinity
Seriously John. Thank you for posts like this. I need them to ground me.
Carry on Sir.
WaterGirl
Just reading this great thread now, I’m gonna have to hang out at BJ more in the evenings!
I worked at a pizza place in college – a popular pan pizza by the slice place – and our weekend manager wore denim shorts that were frayed at the bottom where he had cut them off. He liked to stand at the end of the counter with one leg up on the rung of the stool next to him. You could, of course, see the boys hanging out of the bottom of his shorts, night after night after night. No one had the heart to tell him.
stardus614
Guys in my office wear shorts to work on hot days. Passed this around as a cautionary tale.
gogol's wife
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Reading up from the bottom, I got to this comment and realized I have to read the whole thread. Comedy gold.
Paul in KY
I walked around at a rock festival for about 3 hours with my fly unzipped (not on purpose). Shit happens.
tk
Posts like this are why I have read BJ everyday for the past several years.
tk
I once ran outside to help a neighbor catch her runaway bull mastiffs. Having caught one I proudly carried him back to his mom whereupon the 50ish old woman said “put it away son”. I looked down to see my dick hanging out of my pants. I was 15 at the time.
Alex
John, this prank was already done by Jackass: