Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Conservatism: there are people the law protects but does not bind and others who the law binds but does not protect.

“Can i answer the question? No you can not!”

Dear Washington Post, you are the darkness now.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

Let there be snark.

Since we are repeating ourselves, let me just say fuck that.

Russian mouthpiece, go fuck yourself.

The real work of an opposition party is to oppose.

She burned that motherfucker down, and I am so here for it. Thank you, Caroline Kennedy.

Fear or fury? The choice is ours.

Oppose, oppose, oppose. do not congratulate. this is not business as usual.

The “burn-it-down” people are good with that until they become part of the kindling.

President Musk and Trump are both poorly raised, coddled 8 year old boys.

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

I’m more christian than these people and i’m an atheist.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Nothing worth doing is easy.

“But what about the lurkers?”

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

A thin legal pretext to veneer over their personal religious and political desires.

All hail the time of the bunny!

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Seems like a complicated subject, have you tried yelling at it?

Never give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / Living the Dream

Living the Dream

by | 108 Comments

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So last week, I ripped my last pair of cargo shorts. I had worn them until they were so thread bare that when I caught a pocket on a doorknob stumbling around in my usual ogre-like fashion, it ripped them all the way down the side. I went to the store, picked up some more, but also picked up a pair of the same shorts but only 7″ instead of 9″ leg or whatever it is called. Why am I telling you this? Stay with me.

Today, I traveled to go to some meetings, and during a break I sat outside for a while on a bench watching people walk by and just generally enjoying the day. It was kind of hot and humid, but I was in the shade and had on my new shorts, and they were quite comfortable. Sat there for a good bit, checking my email, reading the news online, etc. After about a half hour, I went to scratch my thigh, and to my horror, discovered a testicle protruding from the left side of my shorts. I should probably be more specific. It wasn’t just a testicle, as if some strange testicle was in my pants, it was MY testicle sticking out. I don’t even know how the logistics for someone else’s testicle sticking out of my shorts would work, but it’s probably the only thing more horrifying than discovering your own sticking out after about 500 people have walked by the bench while you were sitting there. All I’ve done since is retrace from memory (or try to) the facial expressions of people as they walked by to see if I remember anyone giggling or looking traumatized, and I’ve had a mortified shame feeling all day since.

In unrelated news, later on, I had a work related pot luck sort of thing for veterans, and I went with a colleague. We sat down, and some people we did not know joined us. One of them was a young woman about 25-30 or so, and she was just super sweet and super nice (she has a boyfriend so that is not where I am going with this), and she smiled at the right times and was effortlessly graceful and pleasant and just was one of those people whose mere presence make you feel good about everything, my miserable self-loathing self included. And when I say nice, I don’t mean that stilted fake nice that you see a lot at work events, or the really forced jittery nervous nice you see from people who hate to be in crowds and are overcompensating while the whole time keeping an internal count on how long they have been there and how long before they can leave through a side door when no one is looking, or the sacchariney sweet nice you get from religious nutters when you know they are foul-mouthed judgmental “FUCK THE GAYS” hypocrites in private. Just a genuinely nice person. I realized then that I don’t quite know how to deal with people like her. I’m so cynical and jaded that I was mostly silent the entire time because I just didn’t want to fuck up the moment with some dyspeptic or inappropriate remark. But it was really nice to know that those people still exist out in the wild.

I guess that’s it. I paid no attention to politics at all today, but I did step in Thurston shit when I got home, so I feel like I am up to date on the news.

Reader Interactions

108Comments

  2. 2.

    biscuits

    I walked around the office all day with my zipper down. In a law office. The derp is strong!

  3. 3.

    Wallis Lane

    The Adventures of John Cole, Inadvertent Sex Offender. This week’s episode; “Balls Out”

  4. 4.

    geg6

    You’re killing me, Cole. I almost choked on my Pinot.

    And sorry I haven’t emailed Lovey pics. Absolutely swamped at work and home. At work, move-in week. At home, one word: Lovey.

  6. 6.

    Anne Laurie

    Look on the bright side, Cole — if it wasn’t your home turf, you won’t have to worry about colleagues/students/neighbors spreading the news about you spreading your thighs…

  10. 10.

    Gin & Tonic

    I think there’s less of a chance of a testicle hanging out of your shorts all day if you wear underwear. But your choice, of course.

  11. 11.

    The Other Bob

    When people are that nice, its simple. Ask them open ended questions about themselves and then listen. You will be equally nice.

  14. 14.

    GHayduke (formerly lojasmo)

    Well, I can tell you for certain that my balls don’t hang seven inches.

    So….compression shorts are your friend.

  15. 15.

    SiubhanDuinne

    This is probably, no, for sure, the most awesome sentence I have ever read in my life. And I’ve read straight through Finnegans Wake, twice, so I know from awesome sentences.

    And when I say nice, I don’t mean that stilted fake nice that you see a lot atw rok events, or the really forced jittery nervous nice you see from people who hate to be in crowds and are overcompensating while the whole time keeping an internal count one how long they have been there and how long before they can leave through a side door when no one is looking, or the sacchariney sweet nice you get from religious nutters when you know they are foul-mouthed judgmental “FUCK THE GAYS” hypocrites in private.

  16. 16.

    Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA

    Okay, I can post now that I’ve stopped laughing.

    Happily, I have no testicles myself. However:

    I didn’t realize Muppet had figured out how to chew holes in clothes while I was wearing them. I’d go out at night in shorts and a t-shirt to walk her, not realizing there was a gaping hole in the back of the shorts. And here I thought she was just bonding with me when she was cuddling up behind me while I napped.

    And I too have stepped in Muppet shit. Barefoot. Last night. She’s supposed to be more or less housetrained.

    Shakes one’s confidence, it does.

  19. 19.

    SteveinSC

    I was in a rush to get to Walmart this afternoon, changed shorts, bought my shit, headed home and then remembered to zip my shorts up. Went Commando and no one noticed is the bad part.

    P.S. In Kabuki News (aka pay no mind to the man behind the curtain) French quotidien “Le Point” is reporting that non other than “They are going to Kill the Joos” Netanyahu is in back-stairs negotiations with Hamas on a separate peace agreement in Iran-backed, Hamas owned Gaza. Uh yeah that’s Iran-backed Hamas. Linkage anyone? Only the rubes like Hagee, the Repukes, Bible-thumpers, and Boner are stupid enough to think the Kabuki is the real show.

  21. 21.

    TaMara (BHF)

    OMG, posts like these need a warning. No drinks near the keyboard and have a good explanation to anyone nearby why you are laughing hysterically.

    ETA: Because “John’s Testicles” probably not a good thing to say aloud.

  22. 22.

    Emma

    Damn it,John! I’m just getting over the flu and hysterical laughter just triggered a coughing fit.

  24. 24.

    p.a.

    Fortunate you were in the shade, although a little sun on the scroat might’ve warned you sooner.

    @SiubhanDuinne: Nice comparison. I was thinking Faulkner, but then the consciousness-stream would need to be more self-referential.

  25. 25.

    Benw

    @Gin & Tonic: I’m with JC on this one: I loathe underwear of any kind and resist it at every opportunity. I don’t care if my ball hangs out and I end up a registered sex offender in 13 counties.

  26. 26.

    Ruckus

    John Cole
    I’d say we’ve all been there, but that would be a lie. Letting the boys air out in pubic should be restrained to places like a nude beach. At which time the only people who care are the one’s on top of the cliffs with binoculars.

  27. 27.

    Time Travelin'

    Two things.

    First, I recently was in a meeting with a woman exactly like the one you described and I also was thrown off by the light she brought to the room every time she spoke.

    Second, HOW LOW ARE YOUR BALLS HANGING THAT THEY COME OUT OF CARGO SHORTS? Get to a doctor, man.

  29. 29.

    rea

    Since this is an open thread, can I scream in excitement over Tiger pitcher Daniel Norris homering off John Lester in his first professional at-bat?

  30. 30.

    Steve

    John your kinda in between middle age and the next tier. Thing like this still bother you but you’ll get over it. At this stage in your life, teenage girls will begin opening doors for you at the local convenience store. As soon as 25 to 30 year old males start holding the door for you’ll know you graduated.

  31. 31.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    I know. I have given myself an earworm that will take me straight through until tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m., when the Foxtrot from Threepenny Opera takes over.

  33. 33.

    SteverinoCT

    @Aaron:
    I was thinking sunburn, too: I just had knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus, and have been able to ditch the brace I’ve been wearing since spring. First day outside: sunburn city.

  36. 36.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @p.a.:

    I love sentences that just go on and on and on. I’m sure there are better comparisons than Joyce, but FW was the first thing that came to mind.

  37. 37.

    Mnemosyne (tablet)

    G and I both thought of the same classic line from “Friends”:

    Hey, pal, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.

    I concur that this post needed a warning, because I was eating a salad and almost needed the Heimlich maneuver.

  38. 38.

    NotMax

    In Mr. Cole’s neck of the woods:

    One of the last executives charged in a chemical spill that left 300,000 West Virginians without clean tap water for days pleaded guilty to federal pollution violations Tuesday.
     
    Former Freedom Industries executive Dennis Farrell entered his guilty plea in federal court in Charleston, joining the bankrupt company itself and four other former Freedom officials who have already pleaded guilty.
     
    The deal calls for a sentence of 30 days to two years in prison, as well as a maximum $200,000 fine.
     
    Former company President Gary Southern, the final and highest-profile executive targeted for the spill, is expected to follow with a guilty plea on Wednesday.
    [snip]
    Southern could be dealt the harshest sentence. He faces federal pollution and bankruptcy charges, accused in court documents of lying to protect his worth from legal action after the spill. He faces up to 93 years in prison. Source

  39. 39.

    RSA

    @Benw:

    I don’t care if my ball hangs out and I end up a registered sex offender in 13 counties.

    “What’s one more?”

    :-)

  40. 40.

    kc

    If you’re that impressed by someone being nice, you should probably get out more.

    I mean you should, not your testicle.

  42. 42.

    Luci

    I SO needed this tonight. I’m just home from a long day at work, I slept badly last night, stepped in a wet and nasty hairball in my stocking feet as I got dressed for work this morning, and the only saving grace is that the day finally ended and nothing went too badly to hell… That’s not saying much, but it IS something. So, a good laugh about John’s balls and someone else stepping in something was just what I needed. I feel ever so much better now. Thanks!

  48. 48.

    dskasak

    I don’t even know how the logistics for someone else’s testicle sticking out of my shorts would work, but it’s probably the only thing more horrifying than discovering your own sticking out after about 500 people have walked by the bench while you were sitting there.

    As we learned from This Is Spinal Tap, you can’t dust vomit testicles for fingerprints.

  49. 49.

    Suzanne

    LMMFAOOOOO. God, I love this site.

    In other LMMFAOOOOOOO news, I cannot stop laughing about Josh Duggar having two Ashley Madison accounts.

    Almost as funny: my ex-husband has one, too. He and I broke up before Ashley Madison was a thing, so he must have been looking to cheat on his second ex-wife.

    I am trying to decide if or how I should inform his current girlfriend of this news.

  50. 50.

    Goblue72

    Didn’t you once say you wanted Mickey Avalon’s My Dick played at your funeral or will reading?

  53. 53.

    ET

    Testicles and dog shot. We do come here for the edifying conversation. … Not.

    Personally, I come for the laughs.

  54. 54.

    PhoenixRising

    Cole, I have never been happier to possess internal gonads than I am right now.

    On the OPEN THREAD aspect: How you know SOS John Kerry is as serious as a heart attack about the Iran deal is that he’s sending Joe Wilson to my reform congregation to make the pitch to the elders. I’m thinking of attending, assuming that the chemo (for my mom) and the litigation (for my business) permit. Because it’s like that around here.

  57. 57.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @p.a.:

    Gotta admit, the title alone is enough to send me straight into the loving embrace of Morpheus. If it were available cheap on Kindle, I’d probably download it just for the lulz.

  58. 58.

    p.a.

    @SiubhanDuinne: btw, can you post a phonetic guide to your screen name? If it’s Celtic I assume pronounciation is only passingly associated with the actual letters.

  61. 61.

    pacem appellant

    Oh dear gods. You resurrected a repressed memory of when I was in seventh grade at a summer sports camp (I don’t do sports, so I *really* didn’t belong), and my new turquoise shorts let my testicle descent outside my underwear for the full view of the whole basketball court. The eighth-grade girls at the camp mocked me relentlessly (they already were, but this was some potent ammo) for my prepubescent slippage. For the rest of the camp, I sat in the bleachers and read the novelization of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I quit on sports until after college. I had three pairs of those shorts. I hated them and switched to pants for the next fifteen years.

  65. 65.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    I’m always real nice to the testicle flaunters on the public benches. Some times I’ll even shake their ball sweat soaked hand.

  66. 66.

    jibeaux

    John, much laughter, thanks, and a modest proposal.
    Today PPP released a report that independent candidate Deez Nuts was polling at 9%. That’s higher than half of the candidates at the Republican debate. Well, some spoil sport had to go and find out that it was actually some incredibly bored fifteen year old kid from a tiny town in Iowa or something, who isn’t even legally named. Deez Nuts. BUT! You can totally coattail this thing. You’re over 35, right? Change your name and ride the fame. If the Donald doesn’t get the nom, join forces as the Trump Deez Nuts ticket. This is foolproof.

  67. 67.

    Just Some Fuckhead

    I think the takeaway here is treat John Cole right and he’ll feature you in a story headlined by his genitals. Tell me what purdy lady ain’t gonna reach for that brass cock ring.

  69. 69.

    GregB

    This post should get nominated for The Golden Ball Pouch Award at the next Nut Root Nation convention.

  70. 70.

    Jay C

    So this is prestigious blogger John Cole’s day: 1) Tore his pants and had to buy new ones; 2) inadvertently sunned his testicle for the edification of his townfellows; 3) met a really nice person, and is still blown away that there even ARE really nice people in the world; 4) stepped in dogshit.

    Even with the dog-poop, that’s still better than a lot of folks’ days: I love Balloon Juice….

    @Dr.McCoy:

    What store still has cargo shorts this late in the season?

    Must be a modern retail thing: my wife bought me five pairs of cargo shorts for my birthday (6/22), which just arrived yesterday. Three out of the five actually fit; which isn’t a bad percentage for online…

  76. 76.

    seaboogie

    Hah! I knew where this might be headed as soon as you mentioned the inseam measurement of your shorts. My late husband was a total shorts guy – we lived in Vancouver, so shorts season there is pretty long, even if his shorts were not.

    I remember a brunch with his parents and his Aunt visiting from Ireland. He had his legs crossed in manly fashion, and I glanced to my side to see one of his “boys” lolling below the hem. Ahem! said I discreetly, and he tucked the fellow back in, but probably not before Aunt Drusilla got a good look at the hairy ball in question.

    On his last day he had done some clothes shopping, including a few pairs of shorts and I found his purchases on the kitchen table before I ultimately discovered him dead from a heart attack on the floor of our bedroom.

    I had him dressed in his new shorts and T-shirt before he was cremated, and on whatever level he was still around, I think that he probably dug that.

    I threw a rocking memorial garden party in our back yard because he was such an avid gardener. He worked props in film and television, so I had his favorite craft services company cater the event, and hired a bunch of session musicians to play blues music. Most of his film friends showed up in shorts too. It was pretty cool, and remembered by all as being surpisingly fun, considering the nature of the occasion. Ironically, it was probably the best party I’ve ever thrown.

  79. 79.

    Ruckus

    @seaboogie:
    That does sound like a good party. I think we should always celebrate the life led. That’s the part we have some say in. Everything else is chance. My sisters party was a Quaker circle, of about 80-100 people total, maybe 5-6 were Quakers, most had no idea. But it’s great, people stand up and tell something about the person, funny, sad, happy, personal, professional, how you met, whatever. There is no order to it, when someone is done, someone else stands up and speaks. No time limit, no subject limitations. When no one is up and talking, silence. If you don’t have the whatever to stand up, no problem, if you aren’t ready, no problem.

  83. 83.

    Lee Barron

    I must thank you, John. Tonight was very challenging at work and the laughing this post led to was much needed. The Thurston poop almost killed me…I could not catch my breath! I love Balloon-juice!

  88. 88.

    leeleeFl

    BTW-I think “John’sTesticles”would be a great name for an indy band. However, I am really tired and somewhat punchy.

  91. 91.

    mclaren

    Cole, you’re lucky you didn’t get arrested for public indecency, charged with a sex crime, and forced to register as a sex offender for life. That’s the way it’s going in today’s crazy society…

  92. 92.

    patrick II

    If your balls are hanging below a pair of 7″ shorts you may want to consider a scrotum-lift. Sean Connery claimed the operation was his secret to being named People’s Sexiest man alive a few years back.

  96. 96.

    Arclite

    After about a half hour, I went to scratch my thigh, and to my horror, discovered a testicle protruding from the left side of my shorts.

    What you’re telling us is that since a 9″ short is sufficient to cover you, but a 7″ short is not, that your testicles have sagged to the 8″ mark.

  97. 97.

    Arclite

    @leeleeFl:

    BTW-I think “John’sTesticles”would be a great name for an indy band. However, I am really tired and somewhat punchy.

    I think it should be “The TestiColes.”

  98. 98.

    Sam Dobermann

    No words.

    Just chortles. And a few snorts.

    And yes THAT song is looping through my mind especially “Can you throw them over your shoulder” but then I thought of Thurston. Does he fetch balls when you throw them?

    I vote “The TestiColes.”

  99. 99.

    low-tech cyclist

    Well, now we all know what John Cole’s answer to “Do Your Balls Hang Low” would be!

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Can you tie ’em in a knot?
    Can you tie ’em in a bow?

    And can he sling ’em over his shoulder like a Continental soldier?

  100. 100.

    Mobile RoonieRoo

    Reading this in the morning when I have low blood sugar was dangerous. I nearly passed out from laughing. Grumpy says that you need a tattoo saying “Born to be a lesson to others. “

  102. 102.

    WaterGirl

    Just reading this great thread now, I’m gonna have to hang out at BJ more in the evenings!

    I worked at a pizza place in college – a popular pan pizza by the slice place – and our weekend manager wore denim shorts that were frayed at the bottom where he had cut them off. He liked to stand at the end of the counter with one leg up on the rung of the stool next to him. You could, of course, see the boys hanging out of the bottom of his shorts, night after night after night. No one had the heart to tell him.

  103. 103.

    stardus614

    Guys in my office wear shorts to work on hot days. Passed this around as a cautionary tale.

  105. 105.

    Paul in KY

    I walked around at a rock festival for about 3 hours with my fly unzipped (not on purpose). Shit happens.

  107. 107.

    tk

    I once ran outside to help a neighbor catch her runaway bull mastiffs. Having caught one I proudly carried him back to his mom whereupon the 50ish old woman said “put it away son”. I looked down to see my dick hanging out of my pants. I was 15 at the time.

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