Apparently I missed my sobriety anniversary, again, as it was sometime last week three years ago, but three years ago yesterday that I was sprung from rehab. I guess I don’t have much to say about it other than I don’t miss drinking at all and everything is better without it (for me, at least).
Actually, I do have something to say about it. This is something I have said to several people in private conversations, but I don’t recall if I have ever blogged about it. So here goes.
At any rate, a dear friend of mine is going through a nasty divorce as that friend’s significant other has a very serious drinking problem with some personality and behavioral changes, and the person has tried but just can not, as of yet, stay sober. My friend remarked that I must just have amazing willpower to just be able to quit like that. I just laughed, thinking back to what life was like before.
You know what takes willpower? Drinking a liter or more of vodka/scotch every night and waking up in the morning and pretending to be a somewhat functional human being while feeling like utter dog shit every day. It takes willpower to make sure you have enough booze to drink once you have started because you know damned sure you aren’t going to be able to drive. It takes willpower to keep yourself somewhat composed once the dizziness and sweating has begun because it is 7pm and you are in a situation where you can’t drink. It takes willpower to compose and remember all the lies.
But quitting drinking? For me, that didn’t take much willpower. I just needed to dry out, and once I did, everything started to get better. Every single day it got better. It took me quite a while to get my head right and deal with who I actually was as a person, and to look at the world with sober eyes, but now I would never go back. You couldn’t pay me to. And I’m more social than I EVER was when I was drinking.
But all of this misses the point. Quitting drinking isn’t about willpower, and saying people who have tried to quit and can’t don’t have the willpower is nuts. It’s an addiction. What you need is not willpower. What you need is help and a support system and the time to take care of yourself. And that can be hard, and it can be hard and humbling to ask for help. But you know what? You can do it. And you will be surprised by how many people you are surrounded by who will help you.
And you know how I know that? Because I did it. And if quitting drinking was all about willpower, I’d have failed because I don’t have any. Anyone who has seen me near ice cream or a taco will tell you that. So do yourself a favor and take the first step and ask for help. But if you’re in deep, don’t even think about trying to detox yourself. Get help.
If you have a problem or think you have a problem, do the best thing you could ever do for yourself and take that first step. Give a friend a call. Tell your significant other. Hell, email me and I will give you my phone number. Take that step. It’s so worth it, I swear, and there is nothing to be ashamed about and no reason not to. Trust me on this.
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.
*** Update ***
PS- ABC and I are safe and sound in CT. I was supposed to drive home tomorrow but I am staying until Sunday because the drive sucked the life out of me. All in all I give the whole concept of vacations a thumbs up. I want to go again next week but ABC says that is not how it works.
TaMara (HFG)
You. Are. An. Amazing. Person.
Emma
You are truly one of the mensches of the world, John Cole.
Omnes Omnibus
The fact that you don’t really notice the anniversary seems to indicate that you really have taken care of the issue. Good for you.
The Very Reverend Crimson Fire of Compassion
And a greater light in the darkness than you may ever be able to credit. Here’s to the good guys.
gene108
Good for you John. Good post to encourage others to seek help.
Millard Filmore
Alcohol tastes foul, makes you dizzy, and gives you a headache. What is the attraction?
I don’t get it. Really. I do not understand.
mattH
^_^
delk
Congrats John.
Today is four years for me.
Omnes Omnibus
@Millard Filmore: Cilantro tastes like soap to some. People differ.
SiubhanDuinne
I love you, John Cole. I really do. (And so say all of us.)
Gin & Tonic
@Millard Filmore: There are some of us who enjoy it in moderation, for the taste, for the conviviality, for the history of certain varieties, the reasons are varied. I try never to pass judgment either way. But fermented or distilled beverages are as old as humankind.
Exurban Mom
So happy for you! Glad vacation was agreeable… it’s healthy to take a break and get out of town for a bit. Drive safe on Sunday.
Nicole
This was so inspiring to read. My dad quit drinking cold turkey a year before he died. It sucked we didn’t have longer with him sober, because my dad sober was a wonderful person, but I still was able to forgive so, so much in that one golden year. I will always be grateful.
I wish you many, many golden years.
MazeDancer
Congratulations on 3 Years, John. It is wonderful to see your happiness now.
Very generous of you to offer help to others.
A Ghost to Most
Goodonya, John. Alcoholism is a bitch; both of my parents were, and one son. Me? Used to drink, but gave it up (mostly), so it wouldn’t be around my son. That shit will kill you.
CaseyL
I think it’s great that you didn’t remember the anniversary. Just another thing you did to be the person you are now. (That sounds sappier than I meant it to.) One of many things, though probably the most drastic.
I’ve internet-known you for, JFC, 12 years? that long? – and you are truly one of my favorite people. So glad that sobriety worked out, and so happy you have a great life.
Congrats, and much love.
SiubhanDuinne
@delk:
Well done. Congratulations on a milestone! Now on to tomorrow.
MazeDancer
@delk:
Congratulations to you on 4 years. That’s a college degree’s worth!
NotMax
Is there such an organization as Vacations Anonymous?
mai naem mobile
I think the fact that Dolt 45 has not led you to drink may mean you’re over it. Seriously, congrats on your continued sobriety .
Omnes Omnibus
@mai naem mobile: Ha!
stinger
Only this afternoon I was mentally listing my favorite categories of posts on this blog — cat/dog stuff, Betty’s hilarious writings and drawings, recipes, writers helping writers, Silverman, Mayhew, Levenson, Rofer, Laurie, music… the list goes on. But the absolute best are these seemingly offhand but deeply personal and moving posts from John Cole.
Elizabelle
@NotMax:
I love this sentence. The sign of a good vacation.
Good words, John. Interesting perspective. Very honestly, I don’t think most of us who only followed you in cyberspace picked up on the alcoholism and its effects. You seem to be a very high functioning individual (more so now that you’ve seen the light about Republicans AND met up with Ms. ABC).
Lizzy L
Thanks for this, John, and congratulations on four sober years. You shine a light.
Omnes Omnibus
@Elizabelle: Just to reassure me that I am not losing my wits, was there a tiny little edit in your comment? Subject of edit not to be mentioned.
Gretchen
This is going to help some people and you won’t even know it. Bless you. And I love ABC’s “that’s not how it works.” Glad you had a good vacation.
Villago Delenda Est
John, the fact that you did forget the anniversary means so much…that you’ve put that phase of your life to rest and are living a much better life now.
Congratulations, I wish you and ABC and the boys and Steve and Lilly and Rosie and EVEN Thurston all the best!
SiubhanDuinne
@Elizabelle:
FTFY, E’belle.
Villago Delenda Est
@delk: Congratulations to you too, delk! Keep the faith!
?BillinGlendaleCA
@delk: Congrats, 7 years for me next month.
Cole@top: Amen.
Omnes Omnibus
@delk: Good for you.
MomSense
@delk:
Congratulations, delk!!
Thank you for this inspiring post, John. I’m really happy for you.
efgoldman
Different people do things for different reasons.
I was once an excessive social drinker, Sometime in the late 1960s/early 70s, I was driving, lost, in Springfield MA. A guy with a station wagon full of kids saw me coming and stopped as I ran the stop sign, preventing one of us (doesn’t matter which) from T-boning the other. Scared the living shit out of me – I remember sitting there shaking.
That was it – no more.
The thing that amazed me more. is that I also quit smoking (1.5 packs/day) right around the same time while I was dating women who smoked.
As things turned out, if I’d kept going the same way, I’d have been long dead.
So: Good on you John.When I met you and we talked, you didn’t seem any worse for wear; and now, as I do, it appears you have someone else to live for. If that isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.
Thank you for all the good wishes to me and my daughter by so many Juicers. Most of us will never meet IRL, but I know, like the ones I have met, you’re all good jackals.
She is doing just fine – everything is just the way it should be the day after gall bladder surgery. I just did my first home dialysis without adult nurse supervision. We’re all going to be OK.
SiubhanDuinne
@NotMax:
Not casting any nasturtiums here, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there is a “Twelve-Steps Anonymous.”
(Seriously, no offence at all to those who have found 12-step programs helpful.)
SiubhanDuinne
@efgoldman:
❤️?❤️?❤️?❤️?❤️?❤️?❤️?❤️?❤️?
Major Major Major Major
Go Cole! Thanks for being so willing to share this all with the world. Voices like yours are too few and far between.
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: I thought you had just finished training. I guess the next step is doing it. Kick ass and take names.
A Ghost to Most
Ike Garst, snowboarding pioneer
Not a skier or a boarder, but probably of interest to boarder s.
SiubhanDuinne
@?BillinGlendaleCA:
Seven years is an important number. Congratulations, BiGCA!
Cheryl Rofer
Congratulations, John, and thanks for giving us something positive to end the week.
SiubhanDuinne
@stinger:
I wonder how many of us do this. I have a notebook full of pages lists of what I love and value about BJ.
geg6
I am lucky that I didn’t inherit the alcoholic gene that hits a lot of my family. I love my wine but I don’t have to have it. So many of my relatives don’t have that same luxury. Good on you, Cole. I’m glad you feel better. I glad you live your life better. I’m glad you can feel happy, break out of your shell. I’m glad you found ABC and seem so content. You have good karma.
Elizabelle
@Omnes Omnibus: Yup. An R went missing.
And happy belated birthday.
Omnes Omnibus
@A Ghost to Most: Skier, not a boarder. RIP
Lizzy L
@Lizzy L: Oops. Three years. And congratulations to delk as well. efg, best to you and to your daughter. May we all be OK.
Many years ago I drove drunk across the Bay Bridge at night from Oakland to San Francisco. I knew I was drunk. I knew I was a danger to everyone on the road. I got home, got sick, got sober, and vowed by all I held holy that I would never drink and drive again, and that I would never, ever, allow myself to ignore that vow. It’s been 40 years or more, and I have kept that promise.
Omnes Omnibus
@Elizabelle: Phew… And thank you.
Elizabelle
@efgoldman: Lovely post. Good to hear.
Elizabelle
@Omnes Omnibus: You’ve got those proofreader eyes …
Flanders' Other Neighbor
Still have another week on my vacation at Donner Lake in CA. I’d live here all summer if I got the opportunity. But having grown up in Wisconsin, first sign of snow and I’d be outta here..
Villago Delenda Est
@NotMax: The Duffel Blog discussed a paratrooper afraid of jumping joining Airborne Anonymous
efgoldman
@geg6:
It made it easy for me to stop that I inherited the “smell the cork and pass out” gene from my father’s/grandfather’s family, and not the “hollow leg drink you under the table” from mom’s side.
[e.g. I was/would be a really cheap drunk]
efgoldman
@Lizzy L:
We ought to go driving together; total of ~80+ years
Omnes Omnibus
@Elizabelle: Law review editor coming to the surface.
@Villago Delenda Est: I love Duffle Blog. Also too, I Ioved jumping. God, what a thrill.
Morzer
Good job, John. You’ve gone through a lot the last three years. That took some willpower – and you did it without sliding back to alcohol. You deserve more credit than you give yourself.
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: So if I need a designated driver…?
MomSense
@efgoldman:
So happy to hear you and your daughter are doing well.
stinger
@SiubhanDuinne: I should write it down, too — part of that daily gratitude thingy.
Gin & Tonic
@efgoldman:
Somebody should contact efgoldman and tell him that somebody has hijacked his B-J account.
smintheus
Way OT, but this Friday dump at the Dallas Morning News needs to be flagged. Tangled web connects Russian oligarch money to GOP campaigns.
Shows that McConnell, Rubio, Walker, Graham, Kasich, and McCain have all accepted large donations from a Ukrainian-born business partner of Putin’s top oligarchs.
MobiusKlein
@Millard Filmore: It would be in bad taste to extol booze on a sobriety thread, so I won’t start.
efgoldman
@Omnes Omnibus:
Be glad to, if you can get to where I am.
randy khan
Congratulations, John. My dad was an alcoholic, and I think you’re totally right that the real first step is asking for help. It’s really hard, but also essential.
I also wanted to comment on the comments about how it’s good that JC doesn’t remember the exact day he stopped drinking. Truthfully, I don’t think it’s either good or bad. For some people, knowledge of the exact date is an important marker (and if you’re in a twelve step program, it’s also a sign to other people that they can succeed); for others, the significance of the date is overwhelmed by the significance of not drinking (or smoking or whatever). The date was important to my dad, but it doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone.
psychobroad
Thanks, John.
NotMax
@Villago Delenda Est
Jumping not a problem W. C. Fields had.
:)
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: I will bear that in mind.
ETA: Tiny possibility that I will be in the Boston/Cambridge area for a few months next year. Updates will happen if warranted.
Jeffro
Saved as “ColeWisdom” for future ref, seriously – great writing and great advice, John. And congrats!
Damien
I have a friend who means the world to me, and today she called me because she was sweating, shaking, and going from hot to cold. She didn’t have a fever.
This girl had the DTs, and I didn’t even realize that she drank that much. Ever since I’ve known her she’s enjoyed drinking and being drunk (me too, which I guess is why I never noticed), but I guess something changed in the last few weeks, because it’s become something really out of her control, I think. Barely eating, chain smoking, she’s gone down a bad road, and it scares me that I might lose her to this thing.
I lurk a lot, and make occasionally snarky, shitty comments here, but I’ve been coming to Balloon Juice for so long that I remember reading the first post John made about wanting to get sober and being utterly shocked that it was a problem I had never suspected. I remember the slipping on ice story plus aftermath.
It’s weird how much of my life I can mark with memories of this website.
These posts mean a lot, John.
lollipopguild
Thank you for creating this blog for all of us to hang out at. Thank you for your honesty and your willingness to share your personal stories. You are a good man John.
Lyrebird
@Elizabelle: Hmm…
I was an inconsistent reader but had on the other hand started to fear that all my favorite bloggers were too dependent on their heavy heavy fuel (Dire Straits lyric) to avoid harming themselves. Political bloggers, culture bloggers… RIP Steve Gilliard, who had different struggles but what a voice of insight and good ranting.
GO GO GO KEEP LIVING THE LIFE JOHN COLE!
geg6
@efgoldman:
I pretty much only drink wine. And rarely in excess. A few glasses, a shared bottle and that’s it for me when I do, maybe two or three times a week or less. My grandfather on my mother’s side was a terrible drunk and it eventually killed him when he was walking home from a bar one night and got hit by a car. My oldest brother had bipolar disorder and was an alcoholic, which made his mental illness exponentially worse and helped lead to his death. One of my sisters will openly admit she is a functioning alcoholic. She’s great and won’t hurt anyone (she rarely drives and never when drinking) but I couldn’t deal with the amount of alcohol she puts away. I have other siblings who have quit drinking completely because they realized that they could easily fall into that drunken hole. I am lucky, lucky, lucky and I admire like hell people who take on the battle and persist.
Steeplejack
@delk, @?BillinGlendaleCA:
Congratulations to both of you.
smintheus
@Omnes Omnibus: I use dish soap as a surfactant in all my garden/orchard sprays, so all our produce tastes like soap. It’s a feature not a bug. People don’t come around asking for our ‘spare’ veggies and fruit anymore.
chris
John Cole, Delk and BillinGlendaleCa, congratulations to all! Keep it up, it gets better every day and every year.
efgoldman
@Omnes Omnibus:
That would be good. For some reason, we Boston area jackals need the motivation of a visitor – John Cole last time, and SiubhanDuinne a couple of times.
ETA: Kennedy School? Harvard Law?
Vidya Pradhan (Nixon's Wraith on Twitter)
Congratulations! And thanks for sharing. My 21 year old Aspie son recently dealt with his gaming addiction by smashing his gaming computer. Extreme step, but this was after I told him that he shouldn’t count on willpower, and that the only way alcoholics have even a chance of overcoming their addiction is by not having any booze around to be tempted.
I think he shocked even himself by his action and the first couple of weeks were rough, but since he is still in school he doesn’t have the money for a new computer. In a way this is a relief for him, since the decision is out of his hands.
We are slowly seeing the nice person he could become emerge after fighting this battle for 9 horrid years. I’m trying so hard not to hope too much but we’ve had such a lovely week.
Addiction sucks. For the addicts, and for everyone who loves them and has to see them suffer.
Yarrow
Congratulations on your sober anniversary. Glad you are doing so well.
Omnes Omnibus
@smintheus: Shit. I need to go look up a word. I don’t garden.
Chitown Kev
Congrats, John.
With me, I don’t think that willpower came into it all; the day I quit, I had a pocket full of money and (for a change) ABSOULTELY no desire to touch it…I had relapsed twice before but it was never as devastating as the last time I drank…had plenty of support around me on that day and on a number of days since that day I quit…and like you, I lack so much willpower in other areas…
smintheus
@Omnes Omnibus: Surfactants for breakfast again, kids!
It’s something you add to a spray to make it cling to foliage etc. rather than just running off.
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: Like I said… tiny. But I wanted to give you something to live for. :P
Kristine
So very happy for you, JC.
Happy Forgotaversary. ?
Schlemazel
@efgoldman:
That is nice to hear, I hope you both have many happy years still to come.
John, I am lucky to never have had the thirst. My dads family were all alcoholics & my dad was an asshole when he drank (which was every day). I love good beer, limoncello, good bourbon but I can and do go for weeks at a time without them. I like them so much though that I think if I couldn’t have them I would really struggle. Also, my depression would probably drag me down pretty hard. I can’t imagine how hard it is to give it all up. COngrats to you and everyone here that has battled the beast and won.
SiubhanDuinne
@efgoldman:
Have just, like 30 seconds ago, committed to being in Boston for Passover 2018 (wife of our mutual friend is Jewish and does a killer Seder every year).
J R in WV
EFG, best wishes for you, your daughter, your whole family had a better time going forward than you have had the past year or two!
Cole, take your time getting back to WV. I have got it covered awaiting your return!! Whut, wait, what are we gonna do about Jimbob Justice??!? Hurry home!
;-) Vacations anonymous…. hawhawhaw!!
Omnes Omnibus
@efgoldman: Nah. If it happens, I’ll say.
magurakurin
Good on you, John. And as someone who has also quit drinking (sober since April 12, 1988) the advice you offered is excellent. It’s not about willpower as much as drying out…if needed…and then arriving at the rational realization that drinking is bad…for me. Once you get to there, as you said, you don’t need willpower because you simply don’t want to drink. Obviously getting to that point of awareness isn’t the same for everyone, so your advice to seek out help is totally excellent.
newdealfarmgrrrlll
Congratulations, John!
I happened to remember my anniversary this spring on the date, which I rarely do, because I was having to deal with my hardcore alcoholic sister. Blergh. She’s a good reminder that every problem I have in life could be made a whole lot worse by starting to drink again.
SiubhanDuinne
@Kristine:
LOĽ. This Has to Be a Thing.
Trinity
Thank you for this John. So much. You just don’t know.
I really needed to read this tonight.
Much love.
Villago Delenda Est
@smintheus: Lock ALL OF THEM UP!
debit
John, I really am so proud of you and I love you for your kindness and generosity of spirit.
BTW, today is your one year anniversary of home ownership so congratulations on that too.
frosty
@Emma:
2nd comment and Emma said what I would have, only better. So I’ll let her say it again.
Omnes Omnibus
John Cole is a good guy. He has done a lot of good things. Pets, frat boys, etc. I met Cole in Madison in 2013; He wasn’t really friendly. After a little while he wandered away to play video golf. That was when he was drinking. Still, I think we disagree on a lot of things, and I doubt that we would be be friends in meat space (at least as much on me as him). The Dead, Greenwald, the Steelers…
That being said, I really appreciate this community that John Cole has created. It means a lot to me.
Manyakitty
Peace, love, and happiness to you and to us all.
Laura
@efgoldman: Best and warm regards Mr. EFGoldman.
https://youtu.be/ORMp9mHDsqc
JJ
Hey man, really nice post. Thank you for sharing. Grateful.
satby
@SiubhanDuinne: that was my first reaction too, to say “I love you John”.
And your generous spirit that reached out to encourage my son when he was having issues with drinking. That made a huge impression on the kid, that some unknown person would care enough about a stranger in need. And that helped him.
Omnes Omnibus
@Laura: Awesome performance.
ArchTeryx
You fought a terrible enemy – addiction. Yeah, it took a lot of effort to maintain that addiction, but it also took a hell of a lot of effort to quit…it does for anyone. Your message about needing help and asking for it is one that strikes deep with me.
I’ll leave a little story here.
My father, in the last year of his life, suffered severe angina pains. He told absolutely nobody, not even my mother, until it became obvious he was heading straight for a heart attack. He had a small one during a trip to see my mother’s family in Michigan. They landed in a private hospital that did not take Medicare – by law, they had to stabilize him, but that was it. Despite an abnormal EKG they discharged him – not just because it was a concierge hospital, but because my father wanted to go back to his own doctors. My mother acceded.
Halfway home, he had a second heart attack and died almost instantly.
Fast forward to me, as a grad student, about 10 years later. I start getting gnawing pains in my belly, a tummyache that simply grew and grew over days. Finally, despite having junk insurance and no money, I remembered the lesson of my father and took a campus bus straight down to Ohio State’s ER. They diagnosed me in under an hour: Acute pancreatitis with kidney involvement. In another 24 hours, I’d have lost my kidneys in all likelyhood. In another 48-72 I probably would have dropped dead. Untreated acute pancreatitis is often fatal and I had a really severe case of it.
But I went for help, and in doing so saved my kidneys and quite probably my own life.
We as a society frown upon men that actually show feelings and ask for help, but I don’t give a shit about that sort of masculinity. If you need help, for doG’s sake get it. As the cliche goes, the life you save could be your own.
efgoldman
@satby:
That’s really the jackals’ way, isn’t it?
OK, time to go back to the usual whining and snark. I can’t take much more of this.
satby
@delk: and congratulations to you too, delk. Wonderful for you!
Jeffro
@Villago Delenda Est: Faux Snooze posting “Would You Even Care If He Was Guilty?” now, just checking in with their readers, I guess.
Amazing. The whole rest of the website is pure culture war crap: the possibility of your guns being taken away, cops being ‘dissed’ at a Dunkin’ Donuts, etc. Plus McMaster and Susan Rice dontchaknow.
But we have an American “news” organization actually asking its readers, c’mon, the stock market is super-high and unemployment is low and so what do you care if your president* and his son and everyone around them committed treason…
rikyrah
Congratulations Cole on this anniversary. Appreciate your honesty.
Manyakitty
@debit: and all who/that came with it. ?
Barbara
I am really fortunate that I have never struggled with alcohol or other life altering addictions and I sometimes struggle to empathize with those who do. I root for everyone who has an addiction to gain control over their livs and I think it is great that today was another ordinary, good day to be alive for you, and not day #1120 (or whatever) since you had a drink!
Manyakitty
@Jeffro: DUDE. They’re getting the masses lubed up for regime change. Pence, incoming.
Omnes Omnibus
@Barbara: How do you feel about people who have cancer? Apply it to addictions. Solves the problem quite quickly. It is a disease.
schrodingers_cat
@Omnes Omnibus: You should look me up when you are in Massachusetts. I bet we would get along well IRL. I am much less argumentative IRL. Just kidding.
rikyrah
@Jeffro:
That is why they all must go to jail.
No forgiveness. None.
We are talking about TREASON
Jeffro
@Manyakitty: It’s nuts…”So let’s say our president* did in fact do all these things that he’s been denying for over a year now…is that wrong? Wouldn’t you? Where’s the empathy here?” They’re lubing up the masses all right, but I don’t think it’s necessarily with Pence in mind, it’s more to keep that 40% floor they always seem to have going.
rikyrah
@Manyakitty:
Two problems
1. Pence is up to his eyeballs in the Flynn mess
2. The thought that Dolt45 would go down and NOT take Pence with him is inconceivable.
satby
@efgoldman: yup. A snarling mass of vitriolic, generous, snarky, argumentative, loving jackals: that’s us. Group hug!
Jeffro
@rikyrah: 110% agree. Full investigations, all charges brought and adjudicated, all facts made public, no pleas (unless it’s for evidence on the folks higher-up). And even then I want a joint presidential-congressional commission looking at everything that made this crap possible.
But the balls on these people: “So what if he’s guilty: do you really care?” Unbelievable.
Omnes Omnibus
@schrodingers_cat:
When and if it happens, let’s do a Strurbridge Village meet.
Yarrow
@rikyrah:
He’ll throw everyone under the bus before he goes.
Barbara
@Omnes Omnibus: I struggle, meaning I try hard even though it is so far my own experience in life. Being a disease doesn’t make self-destructive habits easier to accommodate.
SiubhanDuinne
@satby:
Wow. No one ever knows. Thank you for saying that.
Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA
Congrats John, delk and Bill.
We just buried my cousin’s 27 year old son a few weeks ago — hit by a car while walking drunk down the middle of a rural road at night. He was a good guy, but couldn’t beat his addictions.
By the way, he’s a cousin in my biological family — I found them when I was in my 20s. They lost me to foster care and eventual adoption when I was little. Why? The family was addicts all the way down. I have no idea what kind of life expectancy has been programmed into my DNA; too many of my biological relatives keep ODing or drinking themselves to death.
John, it makes me so happy to see where you are now.
StringOnAStick
@A Ghost to Most: Berthoud Pass is quite popular as a “hike up, ski/board down” spot. It gives me the heebie jeebies ever since my husband and I assisted in finding an avalanche fatality a few minutes after it happened (we never found his dog). Those north facing runs are horrible terrain traps, and people don’t consider the risks since it was safe when it was an operating ski area and had ski patrol and avalanche control crews. The USFS put an end to tobogganing and innertubing there after too many flying out onto the highway, including the innertuber who nearly mowed down the USFS employees who had come up to check on this issue.
Manyakitty
@rikyrah: Agreed on both counts. Still, I foresee a sudden “health crisis” during the big vacation. He can disappear and Pence will take over and try to make people forget what happened.
It will work for a few months, possibly long enough for many of the protests to simmer down.
Omnes Omnibus
@Manyakitty: Lot’s of us aren’t that dumb.
SiubhanDuinne
It is also, within a day or so, the one-year anniversary of John’s rescue of Walter.
I still think the story of Walter should be illustrated and turned into a children’s book.
Manyakitty
@Omnes Omnibus: Of course. Not so sure about the masses.
Lyrebird
@Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA: Condolences to your family. Ouch.
re: heredity,
Nice video on epigenetics can be found by googling “nova epigenetics video” … it includes some stuff at the end about how lifestyle choices *now* make a big difference, even though past generations’ choices also matter.
Plus, N. de Grasse Tyson rocks!
StringOnAStick
Family history made me stop any drinking when I realized how easy it would be to end up perpetually numb like my parents or a drunken abusive asshole like my dad, his twin sister, their mom, etc. No thanks, fine without it, don’t miss the headaches.
Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (Formerly Mumphrey, et al.)
I’ve always been deeply thankful to have grown up in a stable home. M parents didn’t drink, they didn’t take drugs, they didn’t gamble, they didn’t cheat on each other, they didn’t fight a whole lot, and they were married until my father died, first marriage for each one. I have a glass of wine every now and then, but that’s as far as I go. Drinking makes me feel shitty. I have to be careful, since I get migraines, and more than one glass of wine can give me a headache. When I’m in a spell when I get a lot of migraines, I just don’t drink at all, sometimes for months, and I don’t miss it. But really, this is all just luck. If my father or mother had been a hard drinker, I could have ended up a drunk myself. I’ve always been scared of gambling, as I don’t know whether I might get hooked or not, so I just keep away from it. I’ve never even bought a lottery ticket. But, as I said, I’ve been lucky not to have had to deal with any of this. i try to look at people who do get caught in one of these grips with empathy. There but for the grace of God go I.
We all play the birth canal lottery, that’s the only one I ever played, and I got lucky. That’s enough gambling for me. But people who lose that bet have a far harder road than I’ve ever had. I wish we lived in a world where people didn’t have to play that game at birth and hope they get a good number, where there is no birth canal lottery. I guess that’s what liberals are really fighting for. Kind of a rambling post here, but Cole’s post got me all philosophical.
Ruckus
John.
I stopped drinking about 5 yrs ago. I had cut back considerably about 15 yrs ago. I never drank the amount you stated nor every day, but I did pass out in the snow in front of the barracks at Great Lakes NTC once. That didn’t stop me. I once helped kill a half gallon of moonshine that the 3 of us had to wash down with mixed drinks because it was way, way, way over 90 proof. That didn’t stop me. I once had an $1800 bar bill for 2 months of drinking with my then fiancée. That stopped me drinking with her, but didn’t stop me. What stopped me was seeing someone I knew, and had drank with for a number of years, turn into a mean, spiteful alcoholic. I didn’t want to be him in the worst or actually any way.
I used to think it was will power but it wasn’t. It was me waking up to where my life was headed and deciding I didn’t like that road. I had come to a fork in that road and seen what lay down the one that I was on. So I took the other road. I remember the issues you had in trying to find a place to dry out and I’m thankful I didn’t have to go through that.
Is my life better? That is an unanswerable question, but I’m pretty sure it’s not worse than I could have made it, had I not taken that other road.
Congratulations on your soberversary.
hedgehog mobile
Congrats, John.
Ruckus
@Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA:
Wow. Nothing I can think to say is the right thing, other than glad you are here.
Ruckus
@Millard Filmore:
Alcohol takes a shitty day that you have no control over and makes it a shitty day that you caused. It’s power. It’s not a good power but it is power. Till it takes over and you end up having nothing but shitty days that you can’t see the end to. Till one day you hopefully wake up and realize that it’s not anyone else’s fault that you have nothing but shitty days. And that’s when the fun begins. And actually that’s any addicting substance. Alcohol is just easily available.
eclare
@Mingobat f/k/a Karen in GA: Congratulations to everyone here who has shared their story. So sorry to hear about your cousin’s son, and like Ruckus said, glad you are here.
Ruckus
@efgoldman:
That was very good to read.
I’ve got a week till my next neuro/cardio appt. and 2 weeks till I find out if my cancer’s ass has been possibly kicked.
Ruckus
@ArchTeryx:
That’s because it’s not masculinity at all. It’s bullshit. Masculinity is about being a male human being. Not some macho bullshit that kills you for no reason other than you are too stupid to ask for help. Being dead isn’t masculinity, it’s just being dead. Masculinity isn’t saying “Hold my beer and watch this!”
Westyny
Nice to read this. I have 27 years, but who’s counting? It’s a shorter time without a drink than 3 or 4 years, if you get my drift. So congratulations to both you and dell! Big time stuff. And btw, I loved alcohol, but as with a couple of my exes, my life is much better without it, even if I entertain the notion that I could drink small batch bourbon like a civilized person. Heh. Funniest thing I ever heard someone say about hangovers is “If I woke up feeling like that today, I’d dial 911!” And like you say, the hardest part was asking for help, a practice that I fitfully introduce to the rest of my affairs, with positive results when I do. Who knew? You’d rhink I’d get it by now, but I am a hammer head.
Feebog
Thanks John. Some folks, like my sister and brother, can just quit. You seem to fall into that category. On the other hand I know many recovering alcoholics who need the structure and support of regular meetings and a twelve step program. Glad you enjoyed your vacation with ABC and her boys. Safe drive home.
Another Scott
@Ruckus: Fingers crossed for you Ruckus. I always enjoy reading your posts here – you impart a lot of thoughtful, gentle wisdom.
Cheers,
Scott.
Ruckus
@Feebog:
It’s easier to quit an addiction when it makes your life a lot better. When that crutch is holding up a shitty life (and it doesn’t matter if you are the cause of that shitty life) and you take it away, that doesn’t replace what the addiction was covering up. One has to see the positive side to stopping, for them.
Ruckus
@Another Scott:
Thank you.
Msb
@ Omnes Omnibus
Yep, it’s a disease. It killed family members, and others have recovered through AA.
Hearty congrats to all who have put the plug in the jug and gone on to make good lives for themselves!
Three years UP, John, three years UP.
marv
well, yeah, and god bless jerry garcia
Steeplejack (phone)
@Laura:
Great song and performance.
I’ll add what might be my favorite Van Morrison song, “Redwood Tree,” because it reminds me of the big, unruly, organic structure that Cole has built here for us all.
Amir Khalid
@Jeffro:
What I find galling about this argument is its amorality: “The economy is good and unemployment is low, therefore Trump is a good President, and all else — his sins, his failures, his possible crimes — is immaterial.”
Steeplejack (phone)
@magurakurin:
And congratulations to you! Almost 30 years—that’s impressive.
Amir Khalid
My family doesn’t have much history of alcohol addiction (obviously) and despite having had the odd glass of cerveza
Steeplejack (phone)
@Westyny:
Congratulations on your 27 years.
Amir Khalid
@Amir Khalid:
(Had a brain fart, and hit “post comment” when I wanted the italics button. I’ll try that again.)
My family doesn’t have much history of alcohol addiction (obviously) and, despite going through a phase over twenty years ago when I had the odd glass of cerveza every once in a blue moon, I never developed a taste for alcohol myself. Still, I know that any victory over addiction is a big effin’ deal, and that this one’s had such a positive effect on your life is wonderful.
Steeplejack (phone)
@Amir Khalid:
For a minute there I was wondering about your family’s history of sudden cardiac arrest.
Ruckus
@Amir Khalid:
Well let’s see here. He is a self made man, didn’t need or get anything from his dad. Just ask him. So it stands to reason that if he is self made (and I ‘d bet no one is going to take credit for this build) and every thing he touches turns to gold (OK gold spray painted shit but still…) then he couldn’t have inherited the economy and low unemployment, the only explanation that makes sense (to his addled mush brain) is he is responsible. Besides how is it possible the black man accomplished that?
Ruckus
@satby:
I don’t think anyone knows what will get through to someone having substance issues. It can be the right words at the right time from anyone. It can be the wrong words from the wrong person at the right time. It can the person just waking up one day to their life they’ve made shitty with a crutch that is far more harmful than in any way helpful. I work with someone who was a meth addict. It took the legal system to intervene. But he went to every session, did all the steps necessary and got clean. He’s still an dumpfhole but at least he leads the life of a reasonably productive one. And that ain’t nothing.
Hopefully your son learned a valuable lesson at a cheap cost. Those are the best.
trnc
JC, glad you had a good vacay down here. I find some irony in you ending a hard earned vacation as the laziest man in the world with a somewhat important job attempts to codify the beginning of a vacation that he has already been on for at least 30 years.
satby
@Ruckus: Thanks Ruckus. And the best of luck to you with your doctor’s appointment coming up. Hoping for the best possible news.
Mustang Bobby
Congratulations, John.
October 8 will be 25 years for me.
satby
@Mustang Bobby: good morning and congratulations to you!
Getting ready to leave for the Saturday market, reading everyone’s affirming thoughts is a good way to start the morning.
raven
I love when he has these threads in the middle of the night.
Rosalita
Love you John Cole, I’m glad you are happily on the other side of it
Neldob
Many warm heart beams compadre. Glad you’re on earth.
Johannes
Many congrats on three trips around the Sun, as an old friend in AA used to tell me–June was 20 years for me, and it seems nothing like so long ago. Many more 24, John!
BruceFromOhio
You are a good person, John Cole.
GHayduke
@Gin & Tonic:
LOL. Not even close.
Good job, John. I’m with you, brother.
GHayduke
@Gin & Tonic:
Homosapiens have been around for 200,000 years. The earliest recorded evidence of alcohol production is 9000 years ago.
Mandarama
@Ruckus:
Ruckus, I want to thank you for this. My dad died of cirrhosis when he was 45 years old, younger than I am now. I was a senior in high school. He was so unhappy, kept powerless by so many factors– I feel like you have just explained something important to me. Sharing with my siblings if that’s OK. And wishing you all the best news at your appointment!
So much happiness for John and everyone celebrating.
Suzanne
Good for you, John. I’m so glad that sobriety has been the vehicle for so much happiness and contentment.
I think my ex-husband, Spawn the Elder’s dad, is actively drinking again. He has been an alcoholic for many years, and goes through periods of relative sobriety, going to AA, etc. Then it crashes down. He’s been so abusive to me in any conversation that I’m terrified to even see him and it is horrible.
Ruckus
@Mandarama:
Absolutely OK.
Ruckus
@Suzanne:
Best of luck to you and your daughter.