Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Thanks to your bullshit, we are now under siege.

Whatever happens next week, the fight doesn’t end.

Battle won, war still ongoing.

Usually wrong but never in doubt

The GOP is a fucking disgrace.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

🎶 Those boots were made for mockin’ 🎵

You don’t get to peddle hatred on saturday and offer condolences on sunday.

After roe, women are no longer free.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

Anyone who bans teaching American history has no right to shape America’s future.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

The GOP couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

I really should read my own blog.

Good lord, these people are nuts.

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Not so fun when the rabbit gets the gun, is it?

Schmidt just says fuck it, opens a tea shop.

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

Jesus, Mary, & Joseph how is that election even close?

You are here: Home / Balloon Juice / Readership Capture / The Crow’s Nest

The Crow’s Nest

by | 80 Comments

This post is in: 

I have decided that I am going to dedicate the roof of my shed to the crows. I will put the decoys up there, and feed them up on top. That way they will feel safe from any of the ground critters.

And don’t worry about the songbirds- those feeders are in the front yard and the ones in the back are closer to the deck. And the hummingbird feeders are close to the deck to, although I’m not really worried about those vicious little fuckers.

Reader Interactions

80Comments

  3. 3.

    piratedan

    guessing that there’s a greater than zero chance he’ll find the missing mustard up there…

  11. 11.

    Ohio Mom

    Redshift:

    Google “attract crows to my yard.” Apparently, wanting a yard full of crows is a thing, and yes, decoys are recommended.

    I think I will google “getting rid of crows” next, just to stay ahead.

  13. 13.

    Roger Moore

    And don’t worry about the songbirds

    Technically speaking, crows are songbirds. And if you really pay attention to them, you’ll find they make a lot more sounds than caws, many of which are actually really nice.

  14. 14.

    Mousebumples

    This may have already been posted in one of today’s earlier crow threads, but I thought I’d share it for amusement – just in case it hasn’t:

    “[oregon] I accidentally created an army of crow body guards. Am I liable if my murder attempts murder?: legaladvice” https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/ki6fnd/oregon_i_accidentally_created_an_army_of_crow/?sort=top

    To make a long story short, im a late 20 something living in portland oregon. I had a pretty intense emo/goth phase as a tween that i thought i had grown out of.

    A couple months ago, i was watching a nature program on our local station about crows. The program mentioned that if you feed and befriend them, crows will bring you small gifts. My emo phase came back full force and i figured that i was furloughed and had lots of time- so why not make some crow friends.

    My plan worked a little too well and the resident 5 crows in my neighborhood have turned into an army 15 strong. At first my neighbors didnt mind and enjoyed it. They’re mostly elderly and most were in a bird watching club anyway. They thought the fact that i had crows following me around whenever i go outside was funny.

    Lately, the crows have started defending me. My neighbor came over for a socially distanced chat (me on my porch her in my yard) and the crows started dive bombing her. They would not stop until she left my yard.

    They didnt make physical contact with her, but they got very close.

    Am i liable if these crows injure someone since i fed them? I obviously cant control the crows. I would rather them not attack my neighbors. But since i technically created this nuisance, could i be financially on the hook for any injuries?

    To be clear, they’re not agressive 100% of the time. If just the neighbors are out they are friendly normal crows. They only get aggressive when someone gets close to me or my property.

    ETA: TL;DR- I have turned into Moira Rose, queen of the crows. My inadvertent crow army has gotten aggressive towards others. If they hurt someone could i be held liable?

    ETA PT II: I did not train these birds to attack. Also thank you for all of your awards. Im glad my stupid decisions bring you joy. Please consider donating that money to your local Audubon society instead

    Follow up –

    “[oregon] I accidentally created an army of crow body guards. Am I liable if my murder attempts murder? UPDATE: The crows saved a life: legaladvice” https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/lobhtj/oregon_i_accidentally_created_an_army_of_crow/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body

    So to make a long story short, i called our local Audubon society. They didn’t think feeding the crows was bad and suggested that the neighbors also start feeding them so they essentially became better socialized.

    The plan worked and the crows are now a beloved part of the community. There have been no recent dive bombings.

    Most amazingly, the crows may have legitimately saved my neighbor. Our city had a pretty big ice and snow event recently. Like i said in my last post, most of my neighbors are older. One of my neighbors was walking down his steep driveway, slipped, and couldnt get back up.

    The crows started going ballistic and were making more noise than we have ever heard. A different neighbor went outside to see what was up and found the gentleman in his driveway. Neighbor is mostly ok! Just some serious bruises.

    Needless to say the crows have been getting some high value food since then.

    Thanks for all the help on my original post. It blew up way more than i was expecting and i thought you guys would enjoy an update.

  15. 15.

    Ken

    @Roger Moore: Also technically speaking, all birds are theropod dinosaurs. Some just remember the old habits better than others

    One of the more visceral (pun intended) demonstrations of this I recall, was the sight of a robin dismembering a large worm into bite-size pieces.

  17. 17.

    Martin

    Well, it was nice knowing you all. Crows are going to outsmart Cole, eat his liver, and then he’s going to explode.

  18. 18.

    Another Scott

    @Mousebumples:  Nice. Thanks.

    We’ve got crows around here and in the mornings a few of them look for dropped shelled sunflower seeds from our RollerFeeders. They hassle the occasional owl, hawk, and bald eagle but seem to mainly keep to themselves. I don’t think I want them to get too protective – our Ellie doesn’t like them. ;-)

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  19. 19.

    Ken

    @Martin: I believe you are thinking of Prometheus. Although John’s gift of Balloon Juice has been a boon to humanity, I don’t think it quite ranks up there with fire, so he’s probably safe from the wrath of Greek gods.

  21. 21.

    NotMax

    @Ken

    “A new god, but a very hard worker.”
      – Pseudolus, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
    .

  22. 22.

    Ivan X

    Wait, why are we inviting crows again? Of all the many lovely birds near me, the crows are the ones that annoy me. There is certainly no shortage of them.

  24. 24.

    mrmoshpotato

    Oh shit.  The crows will be too close to the willow which is too close to the house, and well, you all get the picture.

  27. 27.

    namekarB

    That is the problem with America. We try and try to manage nature. Pesticides, herbicides, kill the wolves and grizzlies, prevent forest fires and on and on.

    Squirrel problems are the result of 1) bird feeders and 2) lack of predators.

    How would I fix that? Quit using feeders and don’t deadhead your flowers so the seed eaters change from feeders to flower seeds. Quit raking leaves and leave leaf litter which a) puts nutrients into your ground for trees and b) gives cover for insects which attract lots of insect eating birds.

    Finally, tear the back fence down so the coyotes and bobcats can patrol for squirrels

  28. 28.

    Jay

    At work, sunrise and sunset are some of the best times.

    Just east of us is one of the largest crow rookeries in the Lower Rainland.

    At sunrise they fly out in the hundreds of thousands, in every direction, and at sunset, they fly back. Some of us, really appreciate them, so, we get crows who recognize us, who stop their commute for a quick chat.

  29. 29.

    namekarB

    @Ken: Also technically speaking, all birds are theropod dinosaurs. Some just remember the old habits better than others

    Sometimes I envision a 40 foot tall chicken on the horizon spotting me some 300 yards away and making a mad dash to grab me. I look around for a place to hide and it makes me realize how vulnerable insects are. Yeah, I am weird.

    What sound does a 40 foot tall chicken make? “Here kitty kitty”

  33. 33.

    CaseyL

    @Ken:

    Also technically speaking, all birds are theropod dinosaurs. Some just remember the old habits better than others

    When I look at emus, I’m amazed it took this long for paleontologists (or anyone, really) to realize that. If ever there was a bird that looks like a throwback to the Good Old Days, it’s an emu.

    I’d love to make friends with the local crows, but I really don’t need a murder following me everywhere.  Also, they might decide my cats are rivals for my affection, which would be an extremely bad thing – for the cats.

  34. 34.

    Morzer

    Clearly this creation of a crow’s nest is just part one of Cole’s plan. Part two was summarized by H.L.Mencken:

    “Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”

  36. 36.

    Origuy

    @CaseyL:When I look at emus, I’m amazed it took this long for paleontologists (or anyone, really) to realize that.

    The idea was first proposed shortly after Darwin published The Origin of Species by Thomas Henry Huxley. I don’t know if he used emus as support for his idea; my source mentions Archaeopteryx, which had recently been unearthed.

    https://paleontology.fandom.com/wiki/Dinosaur-bird_connection

    They go on to say the Richard Owen, the premier dinosaur expert at the time, disagreed and his opinion held.

  43. 43.

    Nice Marmot

    @Roger Moore: Yes re: crow’s language…crows in their nest make all manner of unique clicks and clacks…the caws seemed to be saved for announcing their departure from the nest and cruising the neighbourhood, or when they are cooperatively chasing off bald eagles, who love to take their eggs.

    Apologies if this has been already raised, but the PBS doc, “A  Murder of Crows”, is a great primer on crows, including, if memory serves, the tidbit that the CIA funded some of the research done at U of Washington into crows.

  44. 44.

    NotMax

    @Morzer

    Left out of the movie, the play has a line right after that – Miles Gloriosus being told he’s being relied on to “hold that Tiber.”

    :)

  48. 48.

    NotMax

    @prostratedragon

    Incidentally, Ivor Novello also starred in both early versions of The Lodger – Hitchcock’s 1927 silent and the (non-Hitch) 1932 sound remake.

    in 20001’s Gosford Park one of the characters is a quasi-fictionalized version of Novello, and the soundtrack includes several songs the real Novello composed.

  51. 51.

    David ? ☘The Establishment☘? Koch

     NASA has rescheduled the first flight of its Ingenuity Mars helicopter to April 19th at 3:30AM ET, the agency announced Saturday.

    That’s about 22 hours from now.

  52. 52.

    Geo Wilcox

    @Ken: Mine was a crow dismembering a mourning dove in my front yard by my feeders. THAT is why I do not encourage crows. No matter how far away your feeders are, they will come for some snacks.

    Your neighbors are not going to thank you when the crows come and stay that’s for sure. I would not be surprised to see fake owls hanging in your neighbor’s yards.

    Oh and they LOVE produce so look for damaged fruit and veggies from your garden.

  53. 53.

    oldster

    Okay, we all know that this is a terrible idea, because crows are vicious cunning bandits who will take over the Cole household.

    But how do we know this hasn’t already happened, and the last three posts by “John Cole” were actually written by the crows?

    Someone check in on him.

  54. 54.

    geg6

    @Geo Wilcox:

    All of this!  Horrible birds.  Loud, mean and destructive.  I’d love to get rid of the crows that nest in the pine trees we and all our neighbors have.  I’m not a bird fan to begin with (though I do like watching the raptors that populate our river banks) because they are just dirty and covered in bugs.  But the crows are the worst.  No redeeming qualities like a lovely song.  Just constant screeching, chasing the songbirds and squirrels away and destroying the fruits of our garden.  I hate them.  But Cole gotta do Cole, so he’ll learn.

  57. 57.

    zhena gogolia

    Having watched crows come from God knows where to the rhododendron bush next to my house, tear robin babies out of their nest and devour them alive in my driveway, I think you are making a mistake with respect to the smaller birds in your yard.

  59. 59.

    Ken

    @oldster: But how do we know this hasn’t already happened, and the last three posts by “John Cole” were actually written by the crows?

    Watch for the warning signs.  They would of course be different for crows than in that comic.  We might see “John” asking people to post more pictures of shiny things, for example; or to drop off buckets of mealworms at his house.

  60. 60.

    Gvg

    You are going to be hysterical when they kill your baby birb’s. Your yard is not big enough to actually keep them separate. Yeah I know you are contrary.
    This has actually been useful to me as the various links have clarified why my feeders aren’t getting the birds I want. Now I need to figure out how to get rid of the crows I have.

  62. 62.

    kindness

    Crows will eat almost anything.  That’s why they are such good survivors.  I like Ravens more but have to go up the hills to see them around here.

  63. 63.

    dnfree

    @Morzer: the movie version of A Funny Thing… is such an overblown extravaganza compared to the play, which is much funnier in my opinion. One of the very few comedies I will travel some distance to see, even a high-school production.  (Foremost among them is She Stoops to Conquer, which high schools seldom take on.)

  64. 64.

    Gvg

    I have googled how to get rid of crows and most are not possible for me. I feed some feral cats and I knew the crows and possums were getting it too. That is probably why they are here. Anyway most likely suggestion is buy a fake crow with wings outspread from a party store and hang it upside down by it’s feet. Apparently this freaks out crows. I don’t think I want them to think I killed one so I will hang it at night, secretly.

  66. 66.

    oldster

    @WaterGirl:

    We believe you, since you have not been going on at length about how wonderful crows are, how much you love them, and how you want to feed and take care of them. Your non-crow bona fides are secure.

    Someone writing as “John Cole,” however (or is it “John Crow”?) is definitely suspect.

  68. 68.

    Miss Bianca

    @Another Scott: Oh, man. I just went back and reread this. I’d forgotten that The Great Mustard Escape happened on St Paddy’s Day, which somehow makes it even funnier.

    I can’t remember, tho – DID John ever say he’d found the mustard? Or did it simply vanish into one of those Black Hole in the Back of the Refrigerator episodes?

  70. 70.

    Another Scott

    @Miss Bianca: The latter, I think.

    J lost her bluetooth headset once getting out of her car.  Looked everywhere.  She found it about a week later – it apparently bounced into some drainage pipe then got moved by a chipmunk or something.

    Dunno if JC ever checked for chipmunks in the fridge.

    Cheers,

    Scott.

  72. 72.

    oldster

     

    @Miss Bianca:

    It’s really clever, and misogynistic as hell. Plays like a dream on the stage, since both leads get to do a lot of code-switching between high and low. So it’s a treat for good actors, and a reliable crowd-pleaser, and… really ugly sexual politics if you pause to think about what you are watching. Basically, all the beats of “Pretty Woman.”

  73. 73.

    Plain Dave

    @namekarB:

    No one in our neighborhood has a fence.  We have coyotes, foxes, raccoons, and feral cats.  We also have plenty of squirrels.   I suspect the abundant trees provide them with ample refuge from all ground-based predators.  Full disclosure:  I enjoy watching the squirrel acrobatics even though it means I need to buy bird seed a bit more often.

  74. 74.

    glc

    Hollow Kingdom

    “One pet crow fights to save humanity from an apocalypse”

    (“Pet” is a loaded word, and I’m not sure it is humanity that is the concern.)

  75. 75.

    Urban Suburbanite

    The wife has tried to make crow friends since we moved into the new apartment. They love dry cat food and peanuts (the unshelled ones), and they will yell at you when you run out.

  77. 77.

    Gemina13

    @Roger Moore:  Crows make a kind of rattling sound to their family members that I love. We’ve got several families near us, and in spring I hear the adults constantly making that call.

    We also sometimes hear a murder screaming at intruders. Once in a while an eagle will try robbing a nest. If we’re lucky, we get to watch the eagle fly balls to the wall with up to forty crows on its ass, promising hell to pay.

  78. 78.

    ljdramone

    @scav:

    Und es werden kommen hundert gen Mittag an Land
    Und werden in den Schatten treten
    Und fangen einen jeglichen aus jeglicher Tür
    Und legen ihn in Ketten und bringen vor mir
    Und fragen: Welchen sollen wir töten?
    Und an diesem Mittag wird es still sein am Hafen
    Wenn man fragt, wer wohl sterben muss.
    Und dann werden Sie mich sagen hören: Alle!
    Und wenn dann der Kopf fällt, sag ich: Hoppla!

  79. 79.

    mmolleur

    One of my neighbors puts out peanuts for crows every day around 3 p.m. He gets up to a half dozen; they gather in the trees and call at him about 10 minutes beforehand. In the warm months, that’s usually when I’m swimming with my Golden, so I talk to them. I’m not sure what we’re saying, but it’s a call and response thing. They’ll establish a pattern and I’ll repeat it. Then they’ll change it and I’ll repeat the new riff, but then I change it and they’ll do my change. It beats just throwing the ball.

    Also, they seem to tease him when he’s off leash. They’ll hop around on the ground till they catch his attention, and then fly off triumphantly, lots of cawing.  Definitely worth having some crows around.

  80. 80.

    andy

    most excellent. i always try to be on good terms with the crows in my neighborhood- they know things.

Comments are closed.