I rather enjoyed learning the answer to “what if tiger beat but with a rumpled godking at his florida version of michael jackson’s petting zoo” https://t.co/oq83mlRrQQ
— kilgore trout, never attended a decision-point mtg (@KT_So_It_Goes) October 8, 2021
It was whispered, IIRC, that the Federalist hired Molly Hemingway for her last name, and yet was eventually forced to ‘upgrade’ her to editor. It’s not so much that she’s a bad writer (though she is), but she’s too obviously angry, sadly incapable of layering the required sombre veneer of just-the-facts plausibility over this week’s assault on democracy and/or reality.
If that’s true, maybe the professional GOP Death Cultists don’t really want TFG running for president again. They want him to remain the God-Emperor of Marred-At-Largo, a celebrity figurehead to keep the rubes agape while sharper intellects set up the next judicial insurrection, a daily bloviating puppetshow that aw shucks, we’re all just simple populists here…
“I don’t like her … and I don’t like me.”
Former President Donald Trump was looking at a photo of the two of us that his assistant had just taken on my phone. It wasn’t up to his specifications…
A few weeks after Biden was inaugurated, I told Trump during a phone call that I was going to write a book about the 2020 election. He invited me to come see him.
That’s how I ended up in Florida in late February, for our first interview. The moment you land at the Palm Beach International airport, people joke about having made it to the Free State of Florida, but that’s exactly how it feels compared to D.C.
My friend Karol Markowicz, a writer who escaped Brooklyn for an area near Palm Beach just so her children could attend school during the lockdowns, describes the area as “The Hamptons, but colorful and risk-taking. Everyone is rich enough that they don’t care what anyone else thinks of them.”
Palm Beach in the winter is just perfect. The town is full of beautiful men and women who seem to have the right balance of work and leisure. With the blissfully temperate climate and the gorgeous — and yes, colorful — homes and lawns, I began to fantasize about what life-changing events would have to occur for me to be able to make the move also…
.
By our May interview, Trump was still disappointed in McConnell, who he called “a disgrace to the Republican Party. He’s gutless. He should have fought for us on the rigged election. Can you imagine Schumer saying ‘We have to declare Trump the winner to get the country going’?”“The problem with the Republicans is they don’t know who to fight,” Trump said.
I asked him who he thought might make a better leader for Republicans. He discussed a few names off the record, and said, “Leadership is a very funny thing. Oftentimes you don’t know who’s going to be a good leader until they’re there. It’s like you throw the baby into the water and they turn out to be an Olympic champion, or maybe it won’t work out so well. I’ve watched people that have such capability, and they turn out to be lousy leaders. You never know.”…
TFG is happy to nod along with Hemingway’s every recitation of right-wing doctrine: The ‘rigged’ election was stolen ‘on technicalities’, with help from FaceBook’s dark algorithms. Biden is a senile old man on the brink of total collapse, and the media only follows him so they’ll have it on camera when he does. The pandemic is the result of a lab leak — probably not intentional, he corrects her, those Chinese guys are just too sloppy to compete without cheating. And, of course, Hillary remains the Anti-Christ.
But he’s more interested in rehashing the settling of old scores — at least a quarter of the article concerns his anger at notorious GOP powerhouse Ben Sasse of Nebraska. And, she agrees, his old GOP enemies are only too willing to come crawling back…
… Trump was having dinner with [Ted] Cruz. They were the center of attention. When they finished their dinner, Trump stood up to walk the Texas senator out. The diners all applauded. As he made his way to our side of the patio, Trump said to Karol and me, “How is everything? Amazing?”
But we hadn’t even been served water by that point. He motioned to someone to take care of us.
He made some nice comments about Cruz, before bringing up his 2016 convention speech, in which he excoriated Trump. “The way he got out of that race,” he said, laughing. “He’s a worse loser than me!”…
Our meal turned out to be great. The lump crab and a pasta dish with an exquisite sauce was extremely well prepared and flavorful. We were both a bit surprised, having read disdainful media reports of similar dining experiences.
Then again, these same reporters suggested that Mar-a-Lago was gauche. It was a reminder of how extremely negative feelings about the former president colored how the media covered him and anything he touched…
Do they give Pulitzers for fan-fiction?
— Ramb Stonk (@Ramb_Stonk) October 8, 2021
Though it was worth slogging through the child-like writing to get to this revelation which lends credence to my long-suspected view that Trump had COVID in the first debate, knew he had it, and lied about it. pic.twitter.com/bIUZvWJZch
— Tim Miller (@Timodc) October 8, 2021
Hungry Joe
“Palm Beach in the winter is just perfect.”
And that’s not even the worst sentence in the piece — I just didn’t have the strength (guts?) to go over the whole thing again.
So … it’s possible to write that badly and still get paid. What a world.
eddie blake
wow. that was…insane.
it’s like EXACTLY the fiction based history that BGinCHI was talking about on the culture thread. the recounting of absurdities as fact.
she’s very talented. and flexible. i would imagine it’s a pretty neat trick to type all that while being so far up tang the conqueror’s ass that his orange cheeks were on her shoulders.
eta- second? yaaay! i’d like to thank the academy and the jackalariat community for this gracious moment
eta II- it’s really just breathtaking that everything they say are lies. even the ‘a’s and ‘the’s.
eddie blake
wow. it’s very quiet.. quiet.. quiet..
echo.. echo.. echo.. pinch hitting for pedro burbon, manny.. manny.. mota… mota.. mota..
Yutsano
@eddie blake: I’m in shock you even could get through that article. I barely made it a fourth of the way through before my brain went into total rebellion. I’m not sure if I’m impressed or terrified of your prowess.
eddie blake
@Yutsano: hip-waders. hadda have hip-waders on to get through all that crap.
pablo
It’s like interviewing you mother about what a good person you are the day after she received a life saving kidney transplant you donated.
eddie blake
@pablo: no. more like interviewing your mother and having her bluster and boast to you about the life-saving kidney donation you never gave.
forget the funhouse mirrors, we’re truly, madly, deeply through the looking-glass here.
Tony Jay
Hard to believe that that meandering Lament for Lost Ledes issued from the keyboard of a professional writer rather than being the result of combining three bottles of crap wine + a rapidly approaching deadline + a panicked intern who can’t wake the boss up and learned English from watching the Home Shopping Channel, so I checked.
Inspired by the recollections of J. Barron.
Ahhhh that’ll do it.
Juju
Who the hell is Mollie Hemingway? I’ve never heard of her, but then I rarely look at “The Federalist” garbage. There is no reason why would I know about her. In that regard life has been kind to me up until now.
HumboldtBlue
Can we make it a rule that the late night threads be Trump-free?
Sports, music, some jokes, dancing?
Juju
@Tony Jay: I was thinking a couple of monkeys, a bottle of scotch, and two straws.
NotMax
@HumboldtBlue
Yes, yes yes, yes yes yes.
Also maybe the balance of political posts could focus on Ds and not Rs? (Asking for the Moon with that, I know.)
?BillinGlendaleCA
That tfg fella, he ain’t well.
Bruce K in ATH-GR
I saw that Allen West got on Twitter and opined that vaccine mandates are still un-American and that instead of giving money to Big Pharma for vaccines, the government should instead be promoting the antiviral whatever-the-hell-it-was that he was administered that costs two grand a dose.
I reported the relevant tweets to Twitter for advocating self-harm. Am I the asshole?
Chetan Murthy
@Bruce K in ATH-GR:
Nopes.
El-Man
I find myself wondering if MTG and Boebert are positioning themselves to be Dishonest Don’s running mate if he decides to try again. I don’t think Pence would have a chance…
Tony Jay
@Juju:
Shoos away all the doctors and sits, knees tucked under chin, waiting for the show.
“Do go on, Vicar.”
lowtechcyclist
@El-Man:
All we are saying is...oh, never mind.
ETA: Yeah, Trump will never forgive Pence for just counting the votes per the Constitution, rather than pulling some imaginary rival slates out of his ass to overturn Biden’s win.
Besides, last time, Trump needed a running mate with some patina of plausibility, and Pence was available. Next time, if he runs again, he can choose whoever he damn well pleases.
I still see the occasional Trump/Pence yard sign around here. I keep thinking, did they miss where Trump basically sicced a mob on Pence that would likely have killed him?
Geminid
@lowtechcyclist: The trump/pence signs you see are probably leftovers from the campaign. I think Pence never had a very wide following even before he declined to help throw the election to his boss.
As for trump’s next running mate, trump will probably try to monetize that position. It’s worth a lot of money to someone and that person’s backers; the trick is to find a way to sell it. But I’m sure trump already is trying to find ways around campaign finance law. He’s collected a lot of money since the election, and needs to break into the piggy bank and tap that money for his own use.
John Revolta
“In America, magazines pay YOU for advertising!”
lowtechcyclist
@Geminid:
Oh, they definitely are – they’ve been there continuously since last year. Their owners’ obliviousness to the internal tension in the signs impresses me.
JPL
@El-Man: trump’s first choice would be Ivanka, but he’ll be convinced to select Kristi Noems. Nikki Haley criticized him once, so it won’t matter how much ass kissing she does.
Geminid
@JPL: Kristi Noem has to win reelection first, and this is no certainty. South Dakota has become a solid red state in federal elections, but Noem won her first election in 2018 by only 11,000 out of 330,000 votes cast. Democrats have a couple solid potential candidates who will get some out of state money. And Noem’s obvious national ambitions will cut both ways with South Dakota voters. An obvious line of attack: “South Dakotans need a full time Governor willing to put in the work for all four years. Noem is just using us for stepping stones.”
Geminid
@lowtechcyclist: Some people are blotting out the Pence part. These signs are now place holders for the “Trump 2024” signs that are coming.
chrome agnomen
@Geminid: coming? i’ve been seeing them in the people’s republic of massachusetts for months. also recently saw my first ‘desantis 2024’ sign.
Brantl
That should be Marred & Lardo, in my opinion.
El-Man
@JPL: Wonderful, so if Dishonest Don kicks the bucket in office, then you’d have President Princess Sparklepony.
Enhanced Voting Techniques
You mean, beyond crappy service if the owner has to get involved? Trump is also the kind of dickless asshole who probably holds back on the good stuff unless the dinner gets his personal approval.
Betty
@Hungry Joe: A a fellow sufferer, I don’t normally root for hurricanes to hit anywhere, but she sure makes Palm Beach sound like a worthy target.
ciotogist
@JPL: I don’t know if he would choose Ivanka at this point. She and Jared seem to be a bit distant from the former guy these days. They had Nikki Haley to their place recently.
leeleeFL
@lowtechcyclist: Maybe they died of the COVID? Could be
leeleeFL
@Betty: I agree……might maybe be a blessing if parts of this crappy place has to rebuild. Keep the assholes busy with sandbags and shit construction. I have lots of bottled water.
SFAW
LGM commenter “keta” has his/her version of the Hemingway piece:
disq.us/p/2k1yhi3
It’s pretty funny. [For those unfamiliar with keta, he/she often writes satirical (we hope) comments. Some commenters there are not always sure whether the comments are designed to push the Poe’s Law limits.]
SFAW
@Geminid:
“At least she’s not a Demon-crap!”
SFAW
@JPL:
Interesting. The first time the USofA would have someone as VP/Consort.
leeleeFL
@SFAW: Tfs this BRILLIANT acerbic delight! keta is my new fave satirist!
SFAW
@leeleeFL:
He/she does a lot of that stuff, it’s pretty good.
Sasha
“Though it was worth slogging through the child-like writing to get to this revelation which lends credence to my long-suspected view that Trump had COVID in the first debate, knew he had it, and lied about it.”
Which leads me to believe that Trump then hoped he would intentionally infect Biden.
Lacuna Synecdoche
… like a majority voting for Joe Biden.