Hey y’all, been a bad couple days for me mentally, so I just wanted to check in and then fuck off into a dark room and try not to think or have panic attacks. And no I am not at risk I have been down this road before. I’m going back on the anti-depressants. The experiment done failed.
If you’ve had these issues yourself, you know the drill. If you haven’t, you are a lucky as all hell. I wish I could describe what I was going through so those of you who have never been through this would understand, but everything just feels off. There is a constant sense of impending doom, a pervasive fear that rolls through your body like waves. I start to get numbness in my hands, loss of peripheral vision and light sensitivity, and just this visceral panic that takes over everything. So yeah, good times.
The only thing to do is breathing exercises, exercise, sleep, and wait it out. I’ll be fine. My doctor knows, I called up my therapist, and I will make it. It does make me realize how lucky I am because I have been here before and know I will see the end. But for someone new to this, yowza.
So if I am irritable and or absent in the next few days/weeks, you know why.
Saturday Good News: Basketball Stories/March Madness Open Thread
Baud
Take care of yourself. We’ll be here when you get back.
Nukular Biskits
Self care is paramount.
Do your thing … but don’t do anything stupid. That’s from an expert in doing stupid things.
v/r
bo
AlisonAF
Been there. Keep taking care.
Sorryforlaughing
Had these issues, had loved ones with them for whom antidepressants also didn’t work. Do whatever you need to do for as long as you need to.
Villago Delenda Est
Talk with someone. Even if it’s just Thurston.
Raoul Paste
Many people are out here in the ether wishing you well tonight
Eric S.
I’ve been there, JC. I’ve been in therapy and on drugs for 7 years now. Take care and be good to yourself.
Chetan Murthy
Oh wow. Take care, John, and know that we all care about your happiness and health. And please know that you’re not alone in these struggles. As they say, nobody makes it to
4050 without being used goods. I’m so glad that you know what you need to do to get thru this, and you have people you can reach out to for help.eclare
Oh I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself. See drs, therapists, whatever. We need you.
ArchTeryx
I feel for you, John. I just went through 48 hours of solid panic attack and am just starting to recover. Panic attacks are like a tornado going through your head. Rest and take care of yourself. We’ll be here when you get back.
I’m on both anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds myself, and I STILL had one, so don’t feel this is in any way your fault. Take care of you.
Another Scott
I’m sorry. Fingers crossed that it passes soon.
We’ll hold down the fort while you’re away.
Best wishes,
Scott.
SiubhanDuinne
Love and peace to you, John. It’s been great to see your (almost)-daily updates, but please don’t feel obliged to check in unless you feel like it. We’ll be here whenever you return.
And yeah, I’ve been down that path. My own, of course, not yours, but you have my sympathy and support and acknowledgment of what you’re experiencing.
comrade scotts agenda of rage
Ugh, “The Noonday Demon” strikes again.
Lotsa people in your corner big guy. You appear to know the drill but it’s still not easy enduring the journey this latest time around.
Take care.
frosty
I haven’t been there but I know people who have. I’m glad you know what to expect. Take care of yourself. Like others before me have said, we’ll still be here*
*It’s not like I have anything else to do… clean out the dryer lint, maybe? Alphabetize the spice rack?
12xuser
That happened to me when I tried to taper off the Zoloft. A couple weeks after I got to zero, I was rudely reminded of what life was like before SSRIs. That feeling of DOOM, from nowhere. Back on the pills, back to normal.
Percysowner
Just take care of yourself.
RSA
Best wishes, Cole. You’ve done it before. You can do it again.
eclare
@ArchTeryx:
OMG I am so sorry. Panic attacks are terrifying.
ColoradoGuy
Oh yeah, I know this one well. Not fun.
The right antidepressant and the right therapist will help you turn the corner, but it takes a while. Be good to yourself in the meantime, and remind yourself it’s messed-up brain chemicals, not you.
I don’t know why long-distance travel seems to triggers these episodes, but that’s happened to me too. Maybe it’s the sense of disorientation, combined with fatigue.
Sister Golden Bear
Been there. Take care. Hugs, if hugs are OK.
Brachiator
My sincere best wishes to you, John Cole.
Take care.
Jackie
Take care of yourself, first JC! I’m guessing this is partially due to drive lag and missing Joelle, and yes, even Thurston.
Thor Heyerdahl
Wishing you all the best John (and anyone else dealing with it)
Tee
John, give yourself credit for recognizing that you need help..Brain chemistry sucks and losing weight will also release fat soluble hormones into your system. Finding your right dosage and getting your system working takes time. Keep your habits and routines simple and ask about seasonal/cyclic depression as sometimes you need to adjust medications. Know that community here to support, complain to and about helps.
wmd
Breathing is the first thing I say to do to anyone in a crisis. After that it depends on the nature of the crisis, but hydration is usually another good thing.
Finding some small achievable task, doing it, then thinking about accomplishing things can help break the doom loop for some people. I think your pack of jackals appreciates these check ins, and it’s something small you can do. Bonus: it gets the jackals a chance to be compassionate and for you to get told many care about you.
Therapy is a good choice too, and there’s no shame in pharmaceutical help.
Central Planning
Maybe you should go back to AZ.
ETA: not trying to be a smartass or anything. You seemed happy when you posted out there.
coin operated
You definitely have my sympathies Cole. Hope you can FIDO your way though.
Kristine
Take care, John. I’m glad you’ve checked in with your support system.
Sister Inspired Revolver of Freedom
Been there, done that, ain’t it brutal? But if I can come out of the other side, you sure af can. Do what you know you need to do. Check in every once in a while, so we know how things are going. Be well. Take care.
West of the Rockies
@Central Planning:
Isn’t that John’s long-term plan, marriage and a move? I’m sure I’ve missed some details along the way
Either way, good luck, JC.
MomSense
Been there. No need to tough this out. Meds are a good thing! Sending support to you.
Mandarama
I sure know this struggle. Thinking of you!
Tony Jay
Yeah, panic/anxiety attacks are the pits. Malfunctioning monkey-brain defensive strategy eating its own tail and crapping all over the tablecloths.
Fuck’em, as the motto goes. We’ll see you when you get back.
Old School
I hope things start to improve for you soon.
Take care.
Dan B
Best wishes for getting through this and back on track.
KM in NS
Take care! I hear you.
JustRuss
For fux sake, we’re trying to cheer the guy up!
NotMax
Oh my. That you found the wherewithal to post anything is a good sign.
And bundle up. Looks to be a cold weather weekend in your area.
Ksmiami
Please take care of yourself and there’s no harm in the phrase “better living through chemistry…”
Freemark
Do what you need to do. We’ll be here.
Sonora
Sending good vibes from AZ. Take care and all the time you need. I recommend a daily dose of cat videos to enhance your treatment.
PaulB
John, thank you for being honest about your struggle. That takes real courage. Taking care of yourself is your top priority. Do what you need to do, take whatever break you need. Everyone here wishes you well and will wait for your return.
cain
Sorry you are struggling but glad that you have the tools and clear mind to know that you will get through it. So glad you gave up alcohol !
You might consider micro-dosing on psilocybin. It has helped my wife.
Ohio Mom
You are doing all the right things, it just may take a while for all the right things to kick in, but they will.
Joining everyone else in saying, take care of yourself, we are all pulling for you.
Sign me,
Another fan of SSRIs
Starfish
@Central Planning: This is what I was thinking about when he wrote the other day, that he might miss Joelle and yelling at Thurston.
CarolM
@12xuser: I appreciate your comment, I tried last month to stop taking sertraline and after a few weeks I had that awful feeling of doom every morning. I started taking it again last week and expect that I’ll slowly start to feel better. I’m glad to see from John’s post that although he may feel miserable now, he knows what is going on and knows what to do to get better. Thanks to all the Balloon Juice community for being such supportive, kind people!
zhena gogolia
All best wishes, John. We all love you.
Chacal Charles Calthrop
Take care of yourself & take your cues from the cats. Cats are masters of self-care. And they’re both soft, furry & warm!
OCD
Take care of yourself and get back up to serum level. You’ll be good. You know what’s up.
twbrandt
I’m so sorry to hear this, John. I hope you get through this really soon.
NutmegAgain
Like many jackals, I’ve been there myself. I think it’s incredibly brave of you to put your situation right out there. Not gonna add any platitudes, except wish you well.
Devore
Hope you feel better
sab
@Villago Delenda Est: Thurston got left behind in Arizona with Joelle.
bjacques
We got yer back, mate.
trollhattan
Be well, be good to yourself, know throughout the ordeal that you are loved by many.
Except that jerk up in the next holler, you know the one.
The Very Reverend Crimson Fire of Compassion
Just know that we’re rooting for you.
Fair Economist
We are here for you. Or gone for you, I understand that part too. As you wish!
SiubhanDuinne
@wmd:
One thing I have realised about breathing (in crisis moments or whenever) is that before you INHALE that great lungful of clean air, you need to EXHALE all the toxic air in your system. It takes a little bit of conscious attention, because your instinct is going to be to BREATHE IN immediately — but a couple of days of mindfulness will quickly train you to first BREATHE OUT, to expel the bad air. Then, and only then, should you start breathing in … and out … and in … and out ….
It makes a lot of positive difference.
pinacacci
Waving at your cave. See you later when it’s better
Layer8Problem
You’ve got lots of people out here on the etheric waves who care and who know the terrain. Give a yell if you need to talk. We’ll all be here thinking of you and we promise not to mess up the place.
different-church-lady
Dude, take care of yourself and don’t worry about us, we’ll just keep on bickering here as usual.
Comrade Misfit
Those in crisis cab call 988, the national crisis line.
Baud
@different-church-lady:
No we won’t.
Damned as Random
I know the drill. Can’t get rid of the pills. I tried that and nearly wound up in the hospital. Go to bed and wait it out. Don’t do anything stupid
SiubhanDuinne
@Sister Golden Bear:
You are such a good person. Just needed to say that. I admire you lavishly.
SiubhanDuinne
@Baud:
Contradiction is down the hall. And you’ve already had your 15 minutes.
Manyakitty
@comrade scotts agenda of rage: oof, that book is as brutal as its topic. Seems like a lot of us are struggling right now. Peace, love, and light all around.
Manyakitty
@cain: interested. Care to share details?
Dagaetch
We don’t know each other John, but add one more nym to your support crew here. Take care of yourself.
RevRick
John, since I have dealt with lifelong issues of depression, I understand the shame that is tragically attached to it. That you felt the need to apologize for being a hurting human is telling, a disease often prevalent among women as well.
It says a lot about our ruthless ideology of individualism, the lie of the self-made person, which inevitably makes just about all of us feel terrible about ourselves. Add a layer of cultural expectations about race, class, and gender and you have the perfect recipe for general misery.
schrodingers_cat
Take care of yourself. In the dark days when COVID-19 first hit, coloring proved to be something that gave me joy and grounded me. It still does almost 3 plus years later. Drawing or coloring or just playing with some new medium makes me happy. Try it. You can begin with what you have. I started with office supplies.
delphinium
Take care of yourself John.
XeckyGilchrist
Take care, John. I too have anxiety / panic issues and it’s the absolute worst.
A good description of anxiety for the non-anxious that I read somewhere online was “it feels like you’re in a game and the enemy battle music is playing, but you can’t see any enemies around.”
Mike in NC
Best wishes to you.
CaseyL
Much love and virtual hugs, John. Take as long as you need.
lowtechcyclist
No advice for you (if I offered any, it would surely be all wrong), but you’re in my thoughts.
Like others have said, if you disappear for awhile, we’ll be here when you get back.
Jay
Take care of yourself John. You are very important to all of us.
Narya
I love you, John, and I don’t say that lightly. This community started with/by you is a joy.
dkinPa
Adding to the best wishes, John. I’ve been on anti-depressants for years and wouldn’t think of going off them — I remember too well what that was like. You have a huge fan club — HUGE! — Take care of yourself!
Odie Hugh Manatee
It sounds like you recognize what’s up and are taking steps to deal with it. Sometimes meds are what you have to deal with and there’s no other way around it. I’m no expert and have little to suggest other than to get help to deal with this.
Do take care of yourself, John. You have a lot of people who are rooting for you and wish nothing but the best for you and yours.
Skyweaver
Hope you’re better sooner rather than later, John
WaterGirl
@Skyweaver: Welcome to commenting! I had to manually approve your first comment, but now they will show up for everyone right away.
Quinerly
Hugs.
Tazj
Take care. Do what you have to do to feel better. Life is tough.
Rose Weiss
We all love you, John Cole, even us lurkers.
Westyny
Hang in there, Cole. You are loved and appreciated.
realbtl
Hang in there John.
martha
@SiubhanDuinne: I visualize expelling black, sooty air! That visualization really helps me. Inhale clean clear air, then push out thick black clouds. For some reason, that particular visual has really helped me.
WaterGirl
@Rose Weiss:
Welcome to commenting to you, too!
I had to manually approve your first comment, but now they will show up for everyone right away.
tokyocali (formerly tokyo ex-pat)
I am glad you see an exit from the tunnel. Take good care and we will see you on the other side.
Evan
Been there too, and I thank you for describing it so well.
I used to think anxiety was just an emotion, until it started happening to me. Finding out that it physically hurts was a real surprise, so for a while, I didn’t understand what I was experiencing.
Best wishes for a quick return to whatever normal is, take good care of yourself.
SiubhanDuinne
@martha:
Perfect!
rikyrah
Take care of yourself, Cole.🙏🏽
Thank you for your honesty and sharing .🙏🏽
HeleninEire
Take care, John. We all love you and appreciate the wonderful space you have created for all of us to find friendship.
BigJimSlade
Seems like not a bad time to drop this in here – best to everybody!:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssd3U_zicAI
KSinMA
Hope you’re better soon, John!
Mr. Bemused Senior
Best wishes, John. From what you write I’m sure you’ll make it through.
chrisanthemama
Get back on those meds, and look forward to a wee taste of AG-James-applied schadenfreude this coming week.
Rileys Enabler
Sending all good thoughts of support and hope for an easy bounce back to your usual irascibility. You’ve got such a great community all cheering for you.
And thanks again for building this place.
Burrowing Owl
Sending best wishes and good energy your way, John.
la caterina
It will get better Cole. My seasonal depression, on top of the anxiety, has been very intense this year. With a little patience and experimentation, you can find the treatment regime that works best for you. I’ve added light therapy this year, which has been really helpful. We’re all pulling for you.
Ben Cisco
Hang in there, friend Cole. Pulling for you.
dmckwski
Another long-time lurker here, John, wishing you the ways and the means to get and keep going, and wanting to know how grateful I am to you for organizing a blog which draws so many good and kind people to its comments sections.
EmanG
Just so ya know, we love you big man. Hang in there, heal up. You got this.
hedgehog mobile
Take care of you, John. Echoing what everyone else said; do what yo need, and we’ll hold the fort for you.
Quadrillipede
Meditation, routine (and varying attempts at self-medication) help keep me upright and moving vaguely forwards, but there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I like to feel it gets easier as you get older and have more experience with what works for you…
Johannes
@ArchTeryx: They’re a horribly frequent experience in my life. Hang in there @ArchTeryx and @John Cole
Miki
Whooo boy – don’t I know those tunnel vision episodes. Scary as shit, and darned near impossible for non-sufferers to understand.
Do what you can, John, when you can. AFAIK, there’s never been a script for this shit.
There’s just time.
We’ll be here when you’re here.
Kayla Rudbek
Sorry to see this, and I wish you the best of luck with your doctors and your meds.
BeautifulPlumage
@martha:
@SiubhanDuinne: a local band in the 80’s, the Acoustinauts, wrote song for this: “Inhale Einstein”.the YouTube version
ETA corrected song title
RevRick
@schrodingers_cat: J and I use an online app Happy Color. It offers a wide variety of themes, and I especially enjoy the Art category.
nickdag
I’m sorry to hear this, jc. I hope it passes quickly.
Knowing that you’re always looking for good TV, there’s a 4-part Michael Pollan series (based on his book) called How to Change Your Mind that discusses LSD, psilocybin, MDMA, and mescaline and their applications to mental health. Great series! I’m on the last episode tonight and am greatly enjoying it
https://www.netflix.com/title/80229847
BeautifulPlumage
As pointed out above, Cole, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is a good sign.
I went off meds when I happened to be entering menopause. Do Not Recommend. Did not spark joy.
Ruckus
John, take care of yourself. You know how, you’ve done this before.
I was a mental health counselor decades ago and know that dealing with this can be tough.
But this road isn’t all that new to you, you’ve seen the road maps and all the signs telling you what to do.
You’ve even told us what to do, because you know.
So, you know the drill, the steps, and that the results are far better than not.
Put in the effort, get help if necessary, and breathe slowly and easily, it can and does get better. You know that.
We all need help of some kind at some time. When I was in collage learning/wanting to be a doctor, one of the things we had to do was to be in therapy, to see what it’s like on the other side, to see that there are more than one way to get from A to Z. Now I never went to med school and don’t have a diploma or a shingle to hang out but I learned more than I ever imagined about being human, about the ranges of what we see, hear, imagine, think, do and what works and what doesn’t and when and why it does or doesn’t. You’ve learned a bunch of this by being you. Apply what you know, not what you think life should be like. Because life is not how you think this should work. It’s how YOU work, what works for YOU. And you’ve learned that. Do that.
p.a.
Been there. Sounds like you have a handle on it and know the route to getting out. Best wishes.
Librarian
Considering it’s happening now, it could be caused by the weather in WV, or the change in location. Or by politics. Try to avoid political news. Pulling for you, bug guy.
schrodingers_cat
@RevRick: I have never tried a coloring app. I have tried using my Wacom tablet and stylus to color in digitally. I am very much a newbie at digital art.
E.G. for Example
I’m glad and grateful you know what you’re up against, know what to do, and know that it’s temporary even when it doesn’t seem that way. Take it easy, forget about feeling obligated to post or anything, and take care of yourself. We’re all pulling for you, well, if not for you at least for the pet photos. You’ve got this, big guy.
mrmoshpotato
@rikyrah:
Echoing this.
Thank you for sharing, John. You’re not alone in these struggles. Take care. We’ll be here.
prostratedragon
After Hours, “9P.M., ” Howard Shore
Eolirin
Throwing in well wishes too, even if it’s a bit late, as another fellow traveler.
I’ve always found it a little awkward trying to provide support virtually in moments like these, because talking is so frequently useless, but you can’t exactly just sit with a person when the only way they can see you’re there is if you’re saying something. I hope it helps just knowing we’re all here for you. And grateful for this community you’ve created.
Eolirin
@schrodingers_cat: Digital art is a lot of fun. But there’s a definite learning curve.
schrodingers_cat
@Eolirin: What do program/app do you use?
Eolirin
@schrodingers_cat: I’ve been using Clip Studio Paint, but Krita is a very good option, and happens to be free so that’s not a terrible place to start.
Noskilz
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time and I hope you feel better soon.
schrodingers_cat
@Eolirin: I have ArtRage which came with my XP pen tablet. I am thinking of getting Procreate for my Ipad. I look into the programs you have suggested.
Denali5
You are in my thoughts tonight. Sometimes life is hard. The good times will come back. All the best.
Mai Naem mobile
Hope you feel better soon John. You’ve mentioned seasonal affective disorder before. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is part of it, on top of all the other stuff you had to do to make the trip back to WV.
MagdaInBlack
I’ve gone thru this several times in my life, the most recent in December last. Folks here were very supportive and Watergirl was a saint. I’m with you John. It’s awful.
Take care of yourself, We love you.
Uncle Jeffy
Best wishes, John. One of many, many folks pulling for you!
SteveinPHX
Best wishes for a speedy and long-lasting bounce back. There’s a lot of love & support out here in BJ land.
It’ll help.
Wombat Probability Cloud
You never have to apologize for struggling. It’s what we all do in our own ways. I have huge respect for the honesty you display here.
And, having two immediate family members who struggle with depression, I’m relieved you have a sense that it is finite, with a door opening back into easier times. Hopelessness is the worst feeling, and you are wise to know that it doesn’t determine the future.
mvr
So just kind thoughts and best wishes your way then.
Cowgirl in the Sandi
Like Ohio Mom and others have said, I’m joining everyone else in saying, take care of yourself, we are all pulling for you. Be well
way2blue
Ah. Whew. Wish I could offer some pithy insight. But nope. Only a ‘Hyperbole and a Half’ illustrated story by Allie Brosh about how her dogs dealt with moving to a new state. She has an ‘Adventures in Depression’ comic, but maybe save for another day. When the lightness has returned.
Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving
NickM
I’ve been there too. Medicine can help. Physical activity helps too. Best wishes to you.
Josie
Late to the party, John, but know that you are loved.
leeleeFL
Do whatever you do to get past this slump! We are all keeping you close. If you have someone you can talk to, that might help. Feel better, John! You’ve been through a bunch of changes, so this kind of thing seems inevitable. Breathe, love your critters, see the beauty and come back when your head feels normal again!
Paul in KY
Best wishes on better thoughts, John. Call Joelle and just shoot the stuff with her & make plans.
robtrim
@SiubhanDuinne: Breathing and concentrating on your breath is part of almost any meditation practice. (I have found meditation to be far more effective in easing anxiety and depression than almost anything. Although, meds do work.)
Getting in the present helps turn off the crazy, defeatist background noise that often plays in our minds and brains.
Tara Brach, a well-known therapist has many good videos and talks on YouTube. Check her out.
pieceofpeace
@Ruckus: This. I also agree with M. Pollen idea, so long as you find a suitable ‘guide,’ for you, who will also know when the time is appropriate and comfortable, again, for you.
Tehanu
Only just saw this, have to weigh in: hang in there, John, we’re all feeling for you.