I forgot to mention this little bit of joy yesterday. In a moment of brilliance (actually my mom suggested it), I decided to rent a car since there is no AC in the family truckster and I should probably get something with more room for luggage since I had ladies on the road. As it turns out, I have the biggest suitcase, and it doesn’t even have any damned pants in it.
At any rate, I called the Avis at the airport, rented a town car for the week, because the price was only about 30 bucks more than a midsized, plus, IT’S A FUCKING TOWN CAR! In my planning zeal, I forgot one thing- airport rental outfits don’t have a place to park your own jalopy, because everyone who rents from an airport has… just gotten off a plane.
I figured that out after driving around the airport for 20 minutes trying to find AVIS, then being told by a helpful and laughing cabbie that “Umm, the rental car outfits are in the terminal.” Reasonably sure from his tone that there was an implied “YOU MORON” at the end. It then dawned on me that I would have to find a space in extended parking, which was problematic, because prior to heading to the airport I went shopping and picked up a case of green tea, a case of water, a bunch of lunchmeat and stuff for the trip down, a case of wine, a handle of rum, and a handle of vodka. How the hell am I going to carry all that three miles from extended parking to the rental place.
I then realized that I was going to have to rent the car, then pay for a day’s worth of parking, drive to where I had parked the Subaru, load everything, and then leave. Now, this being labor day week-end, the only space in the Pittsburgh airport lot was about 3 miles from Cleveland. I drove around for 20 minutes until I finally found a space, then waited, no kidding, 25 minutes for the shuttle. At this point, I was 20 minutes late picking up Heather.
Finally made it to AVIS, and surprise surprise, despite the fact that I had called Friday night and reconfirmed that my car would be there 12 hours later, there was no town car. The next closest thing was a Crown Vic, and at this point, beaten down by life, I just blurted out “Does it have AC and Bakes? Yes? I’ll take it.”
We fill out the paperwork, I go out to the lot where the Crown Vic is parked, got in, and guess what? The seat was broken. Wouldn’t move and it felt like I was sitting on the horn of a saddle. Walked back in to the counter, told the guy the seat was broken, and he just laughed and told me last week the maintenance guys had parked a minivan there with no back seat, much to the surprise of the family of seven who had rented it.
Long story short, I finally told him, look- just give me the best damned car you have and cut me a break for all the bs I’ve gone through. He gave me a 2012 Ford Explorer with 7k miles, charged me for a mid-sized, and I have to admit it was a pretty nice ride. I especially liked I could blast the ac at 64 on my side and keep it at 70ish for the ladies.
At any rate, this is why I hate traveling. No matter how much you plan, everything always goes to shit one way or another.
I’m off to bed. Have to rest up so I can go be hot and miserable all day tomorrow in 90 degree heat, 100% humidity, and intermittent thunderstorms.
*** Update ***
Classic:
Why yes, that is a duct tape shelf repair job to my room refrigerator.
PsiFighter37
90 degrees, Fahrenheit, 100% humidity, 200% drank, but remember the name.
I want pictures to go with the beer I’m sipping so I can live hyper-vicariously through you!
Violet
Why did you rent at the airport? There’s always a surcharge for renting a car at the airport. Much cheaper to rent off site.
Why are you going to be hot and miserable all day tomorrow? The DNC doesn’t have a/c?
WaterGirl
Yeah, but at least it makes a good story, and now those of us here at home will have lots to talk about.
Just smiled at Lily, by the way, when I checked your twitter page.
‘Night, Cole.
Suzan
Travel is always better in retrospect. My mom used to always say.
suzanne
Ahhh, but think of the joy this comedy of errors is providing to all your loyal readers!
Mnemosyne
G and I always end up having a fight when we rent a car at the airport during a trip. How was I supposed to know that he’d been driving for over 20 years and yet had no idea what a frontage road is, FFS?
Jibeaux
I’m sorry, but it’s cracking me up that you rented at the airport while having absolutely no business with air travel.
S. Holland
Great stories, keep them up please!! Still giggling however at planes trains and autos! Sorry….
WaterGirl
@Jibeaux: Well, in Cole’s defense, he was picking up Heather at the airport.
Corner Stone
Idiot. Doesn’t Soros pay you enough to get a town car to pick your guests up from the airport?
mai naem
1/There should be a cell phone lot that you could have parked in(we have them here.)
2/Why didn’t you pick up the car with the ladies?
3/On the XM/Sirius whatevah – Channel 124 is POTUS they have good coverage on the conventions.
4/And please please crash Morning Ho on one of the days. (Channel 117 on XM.)
5/Glad you didn’t get a Lincoln Towncar. You would have looked like an Angry White Man(AKA GOP)
YellowJournalism
My husband and I once rented a sedan that had faulty breaks, something we didn’t find out until we tried to pull out of the sloped driveway of the rental place. I want to say it was Avis, as well. All I remember was a weird grinding noise and hubby blurting out, “WTF?!” Then we waited around for a new vehicle. They must hire shitty mechanics.
Best rental was a free upgrade to a hybrid at what I think was Hertz. I want to say it was a Ford, but this was years ago. I just remember really enjoying the experience.
Elias
Your mistake is planning too much. The key to enjoyable travel is keeping planning flexible and to an absolute minimum. Pro-tip: The people who do cross country flights every month take one small suitcase. I went to Hawaii a few months ago with nothing more than a backpack.
pat
You own a car that doesn’t have AC? In West Virginia??? In this day and age? How is this possible?
The last car we bought without AC was a 1983 Saab that was picked up in Sweden, and the AC was installed the minute we got it back to Minnesota.
Violet
This does not surprise me in the least. Any guesses what’s in Cole’s suitcase? Did Lily stow away?
shortstop
@suzanne: Exactly. Cole suffers, but our needs are met.
He’s kind of like Jesus that way.
Yutsano
@YellowJournalism: Best rental car I ever had was a Subaru Impreza. My SIL liked it so much she bought one.
Ash Can
It wouldn’t be a Cole trip if things didn’t go to shit.
rikyrah
the whole car thing without AC in W.Virginia – wow
glad you got one with AC to travel in..
I just know you guys were stopped by the state troopers..and you’ll reveal this after your trip..
LOL
Roger Moore
If you traveled more frequently, you would have enough experience not to make rookie mistakes. You’d know where there’s a rental place that can actually deliver the car you ordered and have a plan for how you were going to get your rental without leaving your other car at the rental place. Of course, if you weren’t Cranky White Guy, you’d be able to write the whole incident off as an amusing travel anecdote, rather than justification for never leaving your man cave.
Jibeaux
@WaterGirl: Ok, that makes a lot more sense. But yes, rent car, then pick up girl @ airport would’ve been much better. He’s probably figured that out now. Hey, at least you didn’t have to deal with insurance! I’ve dickered with those assholes about a $3 a day difference.
SteveinSC
John Cole, if you get into any trouble, I’ve got a lawyer friend in Camden, about an hour south of you, so just let us know. He’s not all that big into Yankees, but he can keep you off the chain gang.
Roger Moore
@Elias:
Yeah, and they know how to squeeze a week’s worth of clothes into it, including pants.
YellowJournalism
@Yutsano: If we could have afforded a hybrid at the time, we would have bought one. Rental cars also make me want to get satellite radio. I love the variety of stations.
Steeplejack
@Cole:
Bakes? Is this “brakes,” or yet another hipster thing that I am not up on?
PsiFighter37
You broke the fridge? That HAS to be a good sign; a very, very good sign. #massive_winning
Violet
@Jibeaux: Rent car at non-airport location where he could leave his own car parked would be better. Or get someone to drop him off at rental car.
Poopyman
Dunno why anyone would rent from anyone but Hertz.
That said, at least we get to enjoy correcting all of your mistakes after the fact.
Which is good, because we built that (trip). (To a degree.)
Roger Moore
@Violet:
I’d guess Tunch, except that Cole would be complaining about getting a hernia if that had happened.
The Dangerman
Yes, being baked is good.
HRA
We got the same car (2012 Explorer) at Enterprise with no hassle at all since we did call and have one reserved for our trip to MD a few weeks ago. It was a very good ride for the 9 and 1/2 hours it took us to get there. BTW we had the good experience dealing with them when G had an accident this summer and his truck was in repair for over a month.
The pants story commented on in the previous threads was classic.
Poopyman
@Violet: A tee shirt, a thong, six bottles of wine, two of scotch, a lid, and no pants.
hoppipolla
@The Dangerman: don’t remind me. my connection’s out of town.
Violet
@PsiFighter37: I hope he packed duct tape in his larger-than-anyone-else’s suitcase. Sounds like he’s going to need it.
Corner Stone
@Violet: He knows every. single. person. in the town of 300 where he lives.
Of course someone would have dropped him off at the rent-a-car place.
Cole’s just not that bright.
maven
In Turkey (or French Turkey) bathrooms like that have places for your feet. I never had to tape myself in……as I recall. Which I don’t.
Roger Moore
@Poopyman:
Price. Also, too, I get the impression that they treat their regular customers better than occasional ones, so your experience with them might not match that of somebody who doesn’t know enough to avoid the airport car rental place.
Poopyman
In the interest of full disclosure, the very first car I bought – in Tidewater Maryland – was a Camaro with no AC. Could do 100 with the windows down, and they were.
Steeplejack
@YellowJournalism:
A satellite radio came with the car I bought last December, and I have loved it. Have listened to only about two CDs total in the nine months since, and one of those was because I specifically wanted to hear Kind of Blue as I was homing in on Atlanta after driving all day.
Also like that with my subscription I can listen to Sirius on my computer at home.
Poopyman
@Corner Stone: Where was the freckled redhead?
Violet
@Poopyman:
Because their company has a contract with another car rental company.
PurpleGirl
None of us — not one of us — will get a lot done this coming week. We will be spending as much time as possible here at the blog, having fun.
Corner Stone
@Poopyman: Same place she’s always been.
In Cole’s fevered imagination.
SteveinSC
@Corner Stone:
Yeah, but do any of them have cars? Or cars that could make it to the rental car place? We’re talking West Virginia here.
Violet
@PurpleGirl: I know, right? I’m already refreshing the page and cracking up at the comments. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like once the convention actually gets started.
asiangrrlMN
Cole, you have to write a memoir of your life because so many things get fucked up in the most bizarre and entertaining ways.
I used to be OCD when it came to packing until I realized that if I had my credit card, my ID, and my meds – I could buy anything else I needed. That made it easier for me to relax before taking a trip.
That said, I NEVER forget to pack pants.
Wag
My favorite line from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is “Nothing corners like a rental car. ”
God I wish Hunter was still with us. As much as I appreciate everything Mat T at Rolling Stone has to say about this Presidential campaign, it pales in comparison to what Hunter would have done with this clown show.
Roger Moore
@asiangrrlMN:
Is that “NEVER forget” or “never FORGET”? Because I’m kind of wondering if this is Cole forgetting his pants or “forgetting” his pants.
SteveinSC
@asiangrrlMN: Right. It’s shoes, shoes, John Cole, that they don’t have in North Carolina. They all have pants, just not shoes.
Poopyman
@asiangrrlMN: Wherever I go, cross country or up the street, Mrs. P. double checks that I have my wallet, my cell phone, and my keys, ’cause that’s all you really need. And I can make do without the keys.
hoppipolla
@Poopyman: some of us need meds and bite guards, too. can’t sleep without the bite guard.
Ash Can
@asiangrrlMN: He’s traveling with two attractive women and a load of booze, and he wants us to believe his pants got left behind by accident. Right.
Sayne
I’ve made that drive from Pittsburgh to Charlotte several times. It’s long, but actually really pretty. I love driving through the mountains.
To John Cole and ABL: On I-77 as you come off the mountain from West Virginia to Wytheville, VA, are there still signs that VSP and VDOT can close off the highway in high winds?
My folks tell me a story of driving down that way and being the last car let through before the highway was shut down. Winds apparently picked up and were blowing over 18-Wheelers all around the car with my mom, grandparents and Infant Me in it. Apparently it was quite harrowing for everyone but Infant Me. I was just as happy as always.
asiangrrlMN
@Roger Moore: Good point! It would be irresponsible not to speculate.
@SteveinSC: At least he can still get service in a store. They never thought to say you had to be wearing pants!
redshirt
I’m an extreme over-packer. I envision every possible scenario (Snow! Heat wave! Monsoon! Gala at the museum! Rock show at the dive bar! Etc) and then pack for it.
I’d rather have too much than too little. Yes, it’s a burden to lug around, but that one time it rained snow at the gala? Totally worth it.
asiangrrlMN
@Poopyman: Keys is a good addition. I didn’t have a key to my home the last time I traveled (loooong story), and boy was I unhappy to figure that out when I returned home at one in the morning.
@Ash Can: He’s counting on the fact that we know how much he screws shit up to make his excuse believable.
Roger Moore
@hoppipolla:
Different people have different short lists of things they really can’t do without. I know a woman who says she’s always careful to pack a bra in her carry-on because she has trouble finding them in her size and really can’t do without. Also, too, while it’s nice to know I can manage if I’ve forgotten something- and having succeeded in the past gives me some confidence- I’d rather save the money by not needing to.
Violet
@redshirt: And then all those people who claim to pack light borrow stuff off you. “Hey, do you have a jacket/t-shirt/hair dryer I could borrow? I forgot to bring mine.”
hoppipolla
@Roger Moore: true dat. though i acquired some of my favorite shirts after splattering sauce or dumping a pork chop on the single spare i packed.
PurpleGirl
@Violet: At one point this evening I had 4 Balloon Juice tabs open. (Thank the goddess for multiple tabs.)
jheartney
It wouldn’t be traveling if you didn’t forget something. Last trip I forgot the USB transceiver that lets the laptop talk to my wireless mouse, so I was stuck with the trackpad. Grrrr. The upside was I finally learned a few of the more popular gestures they added in with Lion. (Two fingers scrolls the window! Woo hoo!)
rammalamadingdong
I travel quite a bit and I find it is rare to have an uneventful travel experience. If it’s not the rental car, it’s the airline, or the hotel, or restaurant, or the parking or the pet sitter….The best trips are when I just get in my car and drive.
Comradde PhysioProffe
Dude, if you have satellite radio: Underground Garage!
Violet
@PurpleGirl: Seems like everyone is heading to bed. Guess tomorrow is going to be a big day.
Steeplejack
@PurpleGirl:
Four tabs?! You’re really living on the edge!
asiangrrlMN
@Violet: I haven’t been able to keep up with all the comments in the various road trippin’ threads. I may need to take some time and catch up.
suzanne
My primo example of packing ridiculousness? Lugging “Infinite Jest” through Europe. Traveled across the continent by train. And LOTS of walking. That book is fuckin’ heavy. And of course I was either too tired or wasted every night to read it.
Re: A/C in cars….we moved to Arizona in May of 1988 from Long Island. My mom had bought a Chevy Nova a couple of years before, and hadn’t splurged for the A/C, thinking we would use it so rarely in NY. When we decided to move, she decided to get the A/C installed, but didn’t get around to it before we left. I remember expressing concern, but she said, “It’s May, it can’t be that hot! IT’S SPRING!” Exactly one week later, we drove into Phoenix, and since they didn’t have as many freeways at the time, we drove surface streets all the way through the city. The two of us were pouring sweat, absolutely hanging all of our limbs out the window, in just wretched misery. She got the A/C put in three days later. I learned really quickly that “spring” didn’t mean the same damn thing out in the desert.
Steeplejack
@Violet:
Everybody got overstimulate and has crashed like a bunch of third-graders after a sugar high.
PsiFighter37
@PurpleGirl: Four tabs! I had 3…clearly not doing my part to hit the page views.
Speaking of which, I demand an update before I have my next drink! I’m going to hold my alcohol intake hostage until I know what’s going on.
danah gaz
@Comradde PhysioProffe: Frankly, I prefer Pure Garage
Then again, I love Mike Skinner and I totally want to have his babies. =)
ETA: Some dolt wrecked this track with a 4 on the floor shit house beat about 1/3 of the way through meh.. I have the original but it’s rare and apparently does not exist on the internetz
Roger Moore
@hoppipolla:
On the third hand, airline baggage fees give you a nice incentive not to overpack, especially if you know you’re going to need some extra weight and space for souvenirs on the trip home.
MikeJ
This is why you need clients. Whatever happens you just say fine, charge it, and then bill somebody else. Chaos is actually your friend when other people pay. I stayed in a place in Rome that cost a million lira a night because the client demanded me there *today*. Ok, that was only $500, but a million anything sounds like a lot.
Poopyman
@PsiFighter37: Well the thread below is stuck on 199, so I suspect there’s not much else going on at this point.
And I gotta get up early, so g’night all.
Ash Can
@Steeplejack: Probably had something to do with the pants getting left behind.
PurpleGirl
@Steeplejack: That was for Balloon Juice. I also had Yahoo mail, GameHouse, Jig Zone, another blog, and Time Warner TV listings open.
hoppipolla
@Roger Moore: i’ll keep that in mind next time i have to fly. fortunately, most of my travel involves only trains and/or cars. can you imagine what kind of madness would have ensued if Cole’s magical mystery tour included a plane trip? the mind reels…
Mnemosyne
In other news, my sister-in-law told us tonight that my niece doesn’t have ADHD, she has Asperger’s.
I said to G, “See, maybe I don’t have ADHD! Maybe I have Asperger’s!”
He said, “Have you found your keys that you lost last night yet?”
I said, “Shut up.”
danah gaz
@Comradde PhysioProffe: aha!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaE5dcu2c20
I feel so much better now.
Fuck that nintendo bullshit
Spaghetti Lee
It’s the road trip comedy of the year! With a surprise twist ending! (The Dems replace Joe Biden with Tunch.)
MikeJ
@Spaghetti Lee:
We’re off on the road to Charlotte
Where they’re going, why we’re going, it will be so shady
I’ll lay you eight to five that we’ll meet an angry black lady
max
a Crown Vic, and at this point, beaten down by life, I just blurted out “Does it have AC and Bakes? Yes?
If you find a Crown Vic that bakes (cookies? bread? cakes?), you should totally marry it. And then you can get it all the cop car upgrades.
He gave me a 2012 Ford Explorer with 7k miles, charged me for a mid-sized, and I have to admit it was a pretty nice ride.
Generally, Explorers are nice, since they’re made on the same chassis as the trucks, so tend to quality you that it has been rare to see in small cars.
No matter how much you plan, everything always goes to shit one way or another.
Elias is right – pack a small bag, don’t plan too much, don’t wind the cat, just go.
90 degree heat, 100% humidity, and intermittent thunderstorms.
I’ve been digging outdoors all summer in that. It ain’t too bad. The rain is good, cools it off.
max
[‘Just make sure to sit in the car with the A/C on when your shirt is saturated with sweat.’]
hoppipolla
and the lesson of this thread is to heed the wisdom of Bob Mould ca. Zen Arcade: “Packed all my belongings in a nylon carryall.”
off to bed. tomorrow’s half a holiday, and i’d like to be alert enough to enjoy it.
Chuck Butcher
Jeeze and here I’m just getting ready to go out…
The Fat Kate Middleton
I learned fifteen years ago, when my husband and I were allowed to be regular stand-by flyers*, how to pack. One small carry-on bag, even if it’s for a month in Italy. Anything more lessened the likelihood of getting on the plane. After Paris and Rome, I learned that it was ridiculous to pack my ugly American clothes, when I could just buy apparel at the most amazing second-hand stores. You have not shopped until you’ve shopped in a Parisian thrift store. Hermes scarf=3 euros. Burberry trenchcoat=6 euros. And so on.
*Son and sister worked for the big airlines.
Joey Maloney
I am currently on e last leg of an honest-to-Goofy trip around the world (Tel Aviv-Hawaii-Memphis-Montgomery-Chattanooga-Boston-Tel Aviv) and I left with just one carryon wheelie bag and a backpack. Mind you, I’m returning with backpack, wheelie, and two huge suitcases full of stuff it’s difficult or impossible to get in TA. But my clothing was minimal: a pair of jeans, 2 pair of shorts, a button down shirt, three tshirts, and a weeks worth of underwear. If I’ve learned anything in 30 years of travel, it’s ALWAYS bring a weeks worth of underwear.
The Fat Kate Middleton
@Mnemosyne: Our grandson is an Aspy – he’s the most charming, interesting seven-year-old you’ll ever meet (and has ADHD). Tell your niece, as difficult as it might be, enjoy the ride. It’s like no other.
The Fat Kate Middleton
@Mnemosyne: Oops. Tell your sister-in-law. And another way you could have phrased it: I explained, “Shut up.”
The Fat Kate Middleton
@Joey Maloney:
Oh, yeah.
Steeplejack (phone)
@PurpleGirl:
I’m still laughing, because I had 11 Juice tabs open and about 15 others, too. But now I’m going to bed. My new cat is pushy about earlier bedtimes.
Paul W.
Well, I’m just loving every minute of this. I feel like I’m not drinking enough.
Mnemosyne
@The Fat Kate Middleton:
I suspect that ADHD is in the mix, too, but Not My Kid, so I just have to nod and smile. But given that I have ADHD and my dad probably does, the odds of her not having it are pretty low.
My nephew (her brother) hasn’t been tested, but we’ve suspected Asperger’s at best for a few years now, so hopefully they’ll get around to testing him one of these days. It’s one of those fashionable blended families, so I suspect there’s a tug-of-war between my brother (who doesn’t want to think that there’s anything wrong that’s not my ex-SIL’s fault) and my ex-SIL (who knows that Asperger’s/autism runs in her family and thinks my brother is being a stubborn asshole as usual). Fun times all around.
irmaladuce
I just keep picturing you saying “the ladies” in Billy Dee’s voice.
Joshua Norton
@The Fat Kate Middleton:
True dat. I learned a long time ago to mail the dirty clothes I wanted to keep back home. It just seemed stupid to drag them around Europe. And there was always great new stuff to buy.
? Martin
When did West Virginia get an air-o-port?
Another Halocene Human
What can I say, John, that story topped off by that last photo really made me laugh.
trollhattan
Christ, the onliest thing that would make this road trip any better is if you had one of the RMoney boys with you. Flapjack, f’rinstance.
As to staying at a Motel 6, bog bless ya’, I wouldn’t stay at a Motel 6 if it were inside a closet at the Mark Hopkins. BTDTGTTS.
Moar pics!
dance around in your bones
@Steeplejack: Bake at 4:20, dude.
RadioOne
Wow, I’ve had plenty of problems traveling with delayed/cancelled flights, but I’ve rarely had problems with rental cars.
schrodinger's cat
Isn’t there an Enterprise in your neck of the woods? They even pick you up.
Ronzoni Rigatoni
Traveling Yurp for a month every year for the last 40 years, I learned that you can roll up polo shirts and just pack 2 weex worth of clothes. They do have laundromats there. Also, an extra pair of jeans (no ironing). A small rolling bag for the overhead, and a carry-on for under the seat with stuff like cameras, bourbon, toothpaste, toothbrush, TUMS, books, etc. And that was it. Actually bought a car (Europe-by-Car.com)for the month which was delivered at the airport, and dropped off at the airport. Flat rate, all insurance included. Never had a problem.
gelfling545
@shortstop: I had never thought of it quite that way.
LittlePig
Sheesh. I’ve driven a car without A/C here in Little Rock for years now. It’s not all that bad, you’ve still got 280 air conditioning (two windows at 80 miles an hour).
My main problem is ‘redneck arm photopreference syndrome’, i.e. my left fore arm is three shades more tan than my right.
SuzieC
@Roger Moore:
But can they pack rum, wine and vodka? I like Cole’s packing strategy!
PNW_WarriorWoman
Oh honey….you have so many travails! If you didn’t have ABL with you…well you’d be totally f****d.
J
Some rental car agencies (like my local Enterprise) will pick you up and drop you of at your home. Great for carless drivers like me, and people in JC’s situation.
Patricia Kayden
That fridge doesn’t look great, but as long as you don’t see bedbugs, you should be okay.
g
Next time try Enterprise – they’ll drive the car to whereever you are. Of course, you have to give them a ride back, but still…..