So it turns out that Sean Parker, Facebook billionaire of the multi-million-dollar “Tolkien-inspired” wedding, is not going to take our callow, ill-informed internet mockery quietly! Reports Kevin Roose, at NYMag:
… Parker is so upset about his cruel treatment at the media’s hands that he wrote a 9,500-word essay-manifesto for TechCrunch detailing, at great length, the names he was called after the media began picking on him, the philosophy behind his wedding, and his views on the evolution of the media. (For those unfamiliar with publishing metrics, 9,500 words is a lot of words. If I submitted 9,500 words to my editor, I’d get committed.) The essay’s title is “Weddings Used to Be Sacred and Other Lessons About Internet Journalism,” and lo, it is a masterpiece — a love story, a Greek tragedy, a media rumination, a parable for our times, all wrapped up in one self-defensive package…
For your curated enjoyment, some excerpts from the Parker cri du coeur:
… The Monday after our wedding we woke up in our hotel room, newly married, and still buzzing from the most exciting day of our lives. With all the stresses and anxieties of wedding planning behind us, we were finally ready to relax, take a deep breath of ocean air, and enjoy the romance of being together in Big Sur. Many of our friends who lingered recounted their memories of the wedding, describing the event using words like “beautiful,” “tasteful,” “enchanted,” “epic,” and “a fantasy.” There was a kind of magic in the air, and most newlywed couples would have been free to bask in the afterglow of that moment….
We awoke that morning to a media backlash of epic proportions, a firestorm of press attacking our wedding with the most vitriolic language we’d ever seen in print. At the same time, a mob of Internet trolls, eco-zealots, and other angry folk from every corner of the Internet unleashed a fury of vulgar insults, flooding our email and Facebook pages…
If our friends were sending us congratulatory messages, we never saw them. If Alexandra’s friends were complimenting her choice of wedding dress, she missed those messages. Indeed, if anyone was saying anything nice about our wedding, it was completely lost in the noise, drowned in the sea of hateful, spiteful messages. Our marriage announcement and wedding photo on Facebook elicited hundreds of these messages from angry bystanders telling us to “fuck off,” and calling us “selfish,” “contemptible,” “disgusting,” and “hypocrites.” Descriptions of me included the words “douchebag” and “prick,” of my wife, the words “gold-digger” and “whore.” Luckily amongst the rabble were some unusually creative hate-mongers who managed to keep our attention by dispensing inventive insults like “douchemonster,” “jackassery,” “jackwagon” and, my personal favorite, “douche canoe.” (I have no idea what a “douche canoe” or a “jackwagon” is, but I’m assuming they are neither forms of transportation nor compliments.)…
As Parker goes on to explain, at length, the problem is that one just can’t buy good help any more, for all one’s internet-spawned millions:
… We had no obligation — legal, contractual or otherwise — to apply for permits. We weren’t the property owner, nor were we “leasing” the property from the owner. We had paid the hotel an event fee in order to make use of their campground for the purpose of hosting our wedding. We had no legal standing to apply for permits related to a property we didn’t own. Not only that, we couldn’t have known what permits were required short of asking the property owner, which we had done prior to renting the property, and the management of the hotel had informed us that none were required. It was incumbent upon the property owner to inform us of any land-use restrictions or permit issues related to the property.
From the outset we shared our plans for installing theatrical backdrops and other wedding-related equipment with the hotel. And the hotel was an active participant in the construction process — it wasn’t as if we were making preparations on Mars — this was all happening in the hotel’s backyard, and the hotel management was onsite every day supervising the project. They never hinted at any issues with the California Coastal Commission or any other government agency. In fact, I had not even heard of the California Coastal Commission until this incident. Why would I have? I don’t own any property in the California coastal zone. Had I known about any of these issues prior to renting the site, I would have taken my business elsewhere…
I am under the impression that almost everyone in modern America who’s thrown a wedding has a long list of grievances, other peoples’ pettiness/stupidity/venality/insensitivity, and tales of near- or actual disasters. Those of us who are not Facebook billionaires are confined to entertaining, or annoying, our immediate circle with these sagas. Sean Parker blames… The Internet:
…. When I got started in this industry almost 20 years ago, things were different. Back then there were no blogs, no Twitter or Facebook, and the editorial world was still a growing business. The reporters I interacted with diligently researched their stories, tracked down sources, conducted interviews, and even fact-checked their stories before publication. The trouble with online media is that there’s no incentive for them to do any of this. It’s easier to generate traffic with snarky stories than hard news, and there’s no downside for getting the facts of a story wrong, or even making it up entirely. The law offers no recourse, since being a “public figure” denies you, for all intents and purposes, any protection under libel laws. The blogs attack you, do their damage, and then move on to their next target. Now, because of the permanence of the Internet and the ease of Google, these vicious online attacks leave behind a reputational stain that is very difficult to wash out…
Regardless, I can’t escape the feeling that there is a kind of cosmic irony at work here. Readers of this publication are likely familiar with my career in the technology sector. I have spent more than a decade creating products built on the premise that the democratization of media was a good thing, that self-publishing, the free sharing of information, and the removal of the media “gatekeepers” would all lead to a freer, more open media — with the implied assumption that this was a “better” media. I practiced what I preached, both talking about and designing systems around the core belief that empowering people with the tools to more freely access and share information — be it music, links, photos, text, or any other form of media — could only make the world a better place….
Dude. You made the fortune that you are now abusing by empowering cyber-stalkers and encouraging everyone with internet access to get judge-y about total strangers’ aesthetic choices. If total strangers are using the internets to stalk you and get all judge-y about your aesthetic choices, this is not “cosmic irony”, it is “just desserts”. Since Benjamin Disraeli‘s advice is beyond you, learn to make use of another vastly popular internet invention and accept that you, and also the wedding you spent so much money and effort to throw, are a douche canoe.
Ruckus
If he doesn’t like being called a douche maybe he shouldn’t act like one? The fact that he was called a lot more that just a plain ordinary douche should maybe clue him in that if he looked in the mirror he would see Major Douche. Major douche is anyone inside of a douche canoe, which is shorthand for Major Douche. Also, he is the asshole of Major Douches.
Violet
That is hilarious. He’s gotta be a 1%er, because normal folks don’t act like that. So glad his douchebaggery has bit him in the ass.
Ruckus
If he was gay would that make him a Rear Admiral Douche?
El Cid
I guess it didn’t occur to him to just, you know, not pay attention.
daverave
If you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, it’s probably you.
If you don’t know what a douchecanoe is, then you probably are one.
Ruckus
@Violet:
I’ll bet he’s a lot smaller that 1%. Maybe something like .01%. If rated him by his financial standing, being a .01%er would make him a Minor Major Douche.
Geeno
@Ruckus: That would be a demotion. Dude is Fleet Admiral of the Douche Canoes.
Robert
Let’s make the metrics clearer.
300 words gets your post crawled by Google.
400 words is the minimum you need in your film reviews to be considered for membership in the Online Film Critics Society.
7500 words is a standard (and firm) word limit on genre short fiction magazines.
9500 words is when a short story editor suggests you just make it a novel and keep going.
And, to be perfectly clear, editorials have been a thing since newspapers were invented. Poe’s obituaries were practically a short story contest because he wrote such scathing reviews and editorials about his American peers while he was alive. No one would know that H.P. Lovecraft was a paranoid xenophobe afraid of leaving New England because of blah people if he didn’t pen an editorial explaining so.
Growing business 20 years ago? I believe he’s referring to the Internet, specifically the rise of AOL after they started using Usenet features. Judging by his 9500 word Internet editorial, he probably still uses AOL and a dial-up modem.
Ruckus
@El Cid:
That’s what makes him important, standing out in a crowd. Being the object of admiration and lust for his money. Being the object of scorn and ridicule for being a douche bag deluxe is not what he thought he paid for.
Ruckus
@Geeno:
Of course he is but that of course was not the point of the comment.
BillinGlendaleCA
Ya know, he could have just not looked at the internet during his honeymoon. While I didn’t have the internet available when I got married, even if did, I had other more interesting things to do with the morning after my wedding.
James E. Powell
Everyone with that much money needs at least two staff people whose only job is to ask, “Are you sure you want to do this?” This would apply to the wedding and to the 9500 essay. With respect to the latter, one must infer its purpose was to be written rather than read.
NickT
And on the pedestal these words appear”
“My name is Parker, Douche Canoe,
Look on my words, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and cyber sands stretch far away
muddy
@BillinGlendaleCA: Clearly they had nothing more romantic on their minds than twitter and facebook. “Let’s see how thrilled everyone was! We rule! ”
If they couldn’t see messages from the people they actually knew then they need to manage their settings better.
Ruckus
@Robert:
This almost sounds like a parody of a complaint. He repeated everything said about him. Now everyone who didn’t give a shit before knows that everyone who did say anything was correct, he is Fleet Admiral of his own douche canoe deluxe. That’s the upscale model with the gold plated insignias and the diamond studded paddles.
Higgs Boson's Mate
Fucker-enabler gets fucked by enabled fuckers. I’m confident that he can afford the world’s tiniest violin and pay someone to play the world’s saddest song on it.
Soonergrunt
Christ, what an asshole.
Dan
He is the very model of a modern major douche canoe.
Joseph Nobles
This mofo is in Big Sur with his new bride and he checked his email? Fuck him.
Ruckus
@Dan:
LOLZ
Nice rewording of a major musical story line.
tybee
bwahahaha. excellent. i was hoping he’d meet some karma after that display of asshattery.
Mike E
@James E. Powell: Or, an army of staffers standing in the way of the “send” button.
Eric
All he had to say was haters gotta hate and all i am gonna say is douches gotta douche
Ruckus
@Mike E:
No one at this level of importance would stand for someone telling them anything but, Yes, Sir.
SiubhanDuinne
Sacre bleu, Anne Laurie! It’s cri du coeur, not couer!
Merci bien.
jamick6000
thank you for this.
? Martin
Shorter Sean Parker: How dare you focus on my blatant douchebaggery rather than the marital bliss I paid so dearly for.
muddy
@Eric: Douche canoes gotta paddle. At length apparently.
Redshift
Child. Twenty years ago there was Usenet, and the flamewars that occurred there make Twitter and Facebook look like models of gentility.
PeakVT
That guy is like a living, breathing internet meme library.
quannlace
Yeah, occured to me. Spending so much time reading other people’s opinions of your wedding.. On your honeymoon? Take a page from Nancy Pelosi. Simply say ‘Who cares.”
mclaren
Once again, Anne, it’s just deserts, not “just desserts.”
A just dessert is a fair and appropriate sweet final meal in a dinner.
Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS)
@Redshift:
I call bullshit. Newspaper circulation has been declining since at least the 1970s.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Redshift:
Those were the days. IIRC anyone could start a new topic so the lists were rife with things like alt.Higgs_bulletstopper_goatfucker.
muddy
@Redshift: How ’bout it! Those were the days.
red dog
If Parker had donated 5 million to charity then he would be a hero but he is too big a douche to know that.
? Martin
@Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS):
Yeah, but editorials had only recently been unleashed by the fall of the fairness doctrine. They simply pushed out reporting, which was expensive because you had to go farther than your own ass to get information.
Skinnyankles
Holy fuck what an asswipe!!! Was he spawned in some gated community full if rich effluveant? How does one live as long as he has with absolutely no fucking self awareness.
May he be mocked on the intertrons the rest of his life….
Higgs Boson's Mate
@red dog:
The event horizon of Parker’s doucheness has expanded out of our solar system.
NickT
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
I guess we now know why the Vogons decided to build an intergalactic bypass through us.
MikeJ
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: Yeah, but very few places just automatically processed newgroup messages, any more than they automatically accepted rmgroups.
Hal
The group Protect marriage has filed an emergency petition to the supreme court to block the lifted stay on marriages on CA.
So any lawyers know how this would even work? If the court ruled you have no standing to file in the first place, how on earth would you file a petition in the same case? Also, what would the injunction being reinstated do for anyone if prop 8 is pretty much dead?
Mr Stagger Lee
Boy don’t he pines for the 80’s when the rich were worshiped as rock stars and every word from them was a holy nugget, The Forbes 400 were the immortals. Fuck him and his hurt fee fees!
Anne Laurie
@SiubhanDuinne: Thanks. True story: I passed high school French because my teacher “refused to put up with my pronunciation for anther year”. I passed the foreign-language portion of the NY State Regents exam by reasoning backwards from the Latin roots of my extensive obsolete-English vocabulary.
You guys don’t know how much aggravation spellcheck and years of obsessive proof-reading have saved you from this dyslexic!
dance around in your bones
This is like the most Supremo of Irony – the guy who helped make it possible for any asshole to post opinions on the Book of Faces gets upset that people are posting opinions on the Book of Faces.
Bwahahahahahaha! How ya like it NOW, mofo?!
(P.S. This is why I stay off of social media. I don’t mind the opinions of people I care about and have made the effort to stay in touch with over the years, but that’s it.)
Eric
Help me put. Dude has billions because of shallowness over the intenet and complains about internet content? He has built the stongehenge of douchiness
Mike E
@Ruckus: You didn’t stop me from making an ass of myself? You’re fired!
Anne Laurie
@mclaren:
No, a just dessert is the further internet mockery served Sean Parker concerning his self-pity binge upon the multi-course menu of mockery that greeted his douchecanoe wedding.
LeftCoastTom
Quoth Douchebaggins:
I don’t own property in the California Coastal Commission’s jurisdiction, but being a Californian who’s at least sentient I’ve heard of the Coastal Commission.
Fucktard.
SiubhanDuinne
@Anne Laurie:
Pas de problème :-)
LeftCoastTom
@Hal: They want to appeal the lifting of a stay on something that’s already happening? I’m not a lawyer, but…go for it, we’ll watch. With popcorn.
somethingblue
(Vastly) shorter Sean Parker: But it was my SPECIAL DAYYYYYYYYYY!!
BillinGlendaleCA
@LeftCoastTom: Like you, I do not own beachfront property but have heard of the Coastal Commission. Usually on the news, when some Douche Bag wants to develop something that will mess up the coast or impede access to the beach.
scav
The way he keeps digging, he must be building a bigger douche dugout. A douche dugout built for two out of an endangered tree species — only nobody ever told him about it being the last of its kind and it’s their job to do so, so it’s all their fault you meanies.
Joseph Nobles
@Eric: Not only that, but his actions guarantee to intensify the actions he’s complaining about. It is a perfect douche.
mai naem
OMG, can this idjit just STFU. You dumbass, if it had been some poor black couple destroying redwoods, they would be in jail for some time. You got away with a fine in an amount that would be to the equivalent of a dollar to me. Seriously, what a WATB>
Redshift
@Hal: It was discussed by our resident lawyers in the last thread. Consensus seems to be that it’s going nowhere fast.
Felonius Monk
How much bull can a bull-shitter shit — why 9500 words if you’re Sean Parker, pea-brained billionaire and the international rock-star of douchecanoes.
ChrisNYC
“theatrical backdrops and other wedding-related equipment”
So funny.
BillinGlendaleCA
@ChrisNYC: To me, and maybe it’s just me; theatrical backdrops usually don’t require a bulldozer.
Tokyokie
I don’t have the legal standing to file a divorce petition against Sean Parker and demand half the marital assets, which means that legally, I CAN’T FUCKING WELL DO IT!
Well, when I rent a car, I don’t interpret the prohibition on smoking to be limited to the passenger compartment and that, absent a specific prohibition, figure it’d be OK to turn the trunk into a barbecue pit, because that pretty much PERMANENTLY FUCKS UP THE RENTAL PROPERTY!
But I guess being a fleet admiral of the Navy of douche canoes* means being willfully ignorant of such plebian social virtues.
*Really, we need to promote him to five-star rank.
dance around in your bones
I’m watching Auntie Mame on TCM just now. I bet Auntie Mame would have laughed her ass off at that douche canoe Parker.
Waa waa, someone said something nasty about my wedding!
trollhattan
Just goes to show, once you have more money than anybody can reasonably spend, what you want next is other’s love or fear, or MORE MONEY THAN ANYBODY ELSE!
Also, too, how hot
wasis it?This hot.
farm6.staticflickr.com/5512/9168874871_9d66b22b9a_c.jpg
gbear
Wow. I followed the link just to see if his screed had an open comment section. It does. It’s entertaining.
How can this guy be so stupid about the internet?
Higgs Boson's Mate
@MikeJ:
It was a long time ago. In the earliest days it was, if memory serves, pretty much like the Wild West. I believe that they eventually set up some hoops you had to jump through to set up a new topic.
Tokyokie
@BillinGlendaleCA:
Maybe he was envisioning King Kong vs. Godzilla: The Musical. But then, that would probably necessitate a sense of humor.
Ruckus
@Anne Laurie:
You know I’ll have you that is it lexicdys.
SiubhanDuinne
@Redshift:
Congratulations.
/anal CDO spelling nazi
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Anne Laurie:
Ever hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog?
BillinGlendaleCA
Well the property owner must be in the douche navy as well but only in command of a dingy. But Fleet Admiral Douche Canoe never heard of a lawyer? Did he get a prenup? Did he consult an attorney for that?
Ruckus
@Mike E:
He would never consider that he had made an ass of himself. He just penned a 9500 word screed showing that. It’s all our fault that Sean Parker is Fleet Admiral of his very own deluxe douche canoe with the gold leaf package and the diamond studded paddles.
SiubhanDuinne
@Ruckus:
Thought it was lysdexia.
ChrisNYC
@BillinGlendaleCA: Indeed. Also, theatrical backdrops just casually deemed “wedding related equipment” makes me laugh. Like those big coffee urns. Same thing.
Really, if you need “wedding related equipment” where permits are an issue (scaffolds, threshing machines, super colliders, what have you), you’ve likely gone too far.
Mr Stagger Lee
@SiubhanDuinne: DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!!!!!
Higgs Boson's Mate
@ChrisNYC:
If you require any more wedding related equipment than that covered by a bathing suit then your’re unclear on the concept.
Ruckus
@SiubhanDuinne:
I always get it backwards.
Ruckus
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
And is why in Aussie the bits in your pants are called wedding tackle.
burnspbesq
As long as whatever remediation that was ordered by the Coastal Commission has been done, I no longer care about this idiot. If he drags his feet on that even a little bit, I want to see his ass prosecuted.
BillinGlendaleCA
I will admit, we made some alterations to the place the my wife and I got married. The bridemaids put up some paper decorations attached to the ceiling tiles. I will also admit that I did not consult an attorney as to whether this needed a permit from the City of Los Angeles or the County of Los Angeles or maybe the Coastal Commission, we were about 15 miles from the coast. We did however check with the owner and they said it was alright. We went to a wedding at the same location a few months later and those decorations were still in place.
scav
@ChrisNYC: It’s also unfortunate that the ”theatrical backdrops” inevitably makes one wonder if there was a casting call for the role of bride. (well, if your brain is wired that way it does.)
Anne Laurie
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: In the dark recesses of the night, I know that there are gods, and there are dogs — but which one among the many has woken me by jumping on my bladder?
muddy
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: I remember when you could get a list of new groups when you logged on and it was manageable. At one point the total was about 30,000 and I thought that was just way too big. Ha!
Mike E
@Ruckus: He is the world, he is the children.
gbear
My favorite comment so far under Parker’s post:
Poopyman
I don’t care.
The End.
ChrisNYC
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: I take it all back. I just realized that I would LOVE to attend a wedding where the bride steered herself down the aisle in (on?) a threshing machine.
Ruckus
@Anne Laurie:
That’s a theological question, not a dyslexic problem.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Ruckus: It could be both.
burnspbesq
@Hal:
We talked a little about this in Cole’ bun thread.
Technically, the Ninth Circuit shouldn’t have lifted the stay until July 22. Realistically, the likelihood that the Supreme Court will grant a motion for rehearing seems to be right around zero, so the Ninth Circuit’s action, in precise legal jumbo-jumbo, is no harm-no foul.
Paddy
Any rec’s on good stuff to binge? So far this summer I’ve binged Call the Midwife, Scandal, The Fall, Orphan Black and bits and pieces of some others. I’m leaning towards starting Copper, and still can’t find anywhere to stream Broadchurch.
kc
Just when I has forgotten all about that douchebag. Now we can make fun of his whiny ass all over again.
SiubhanDuinne
@Mr Stagger Lee:
I am a charter member of DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
JCT
“People” like this make me wish Obama really was readying the FEMA camps.
Talk about a Ptolemeic view of the universe.
Now where is my pitchfork? Oh, right, it MELTED in my So. Arizona driveway.
burnspbesq
@SiubhanDuinne:
Are you also the sort of dyslexic agnostic who doubts the existence of Dog?
Ruckus
@BillinGlendaleCA:
I suppose. But AL is saying that she knows the difference between gods and dogs. She is just wondering which is jumping on her bladder. So the dogs could be gods, which I’ll assume for discussion means they don’t shed or fart or the gods could be dogs which means they are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. And I used to live with someone who had the worlds stupidest dog and she for sure couldn’t have been a goddess of anything.
Tokyokie
@ChrisNYC:
I’ve seen what happens to the bride and groom’s limo in weddings like that:
youtube.com/watch?v=kJyYNN2mKBs
Anne Laurie
@Paddy: New Tricks.
Only available thru Netflix on disc, but believe me — well worth it!
JWL
@gbear: “..Because money is no object, and to just ignore the rules and pay a hefty fine is what rich people do, which you keep saying you “voluntarily” did. Oh, the humanity…”.
Remember the story told of Mitt Romney during the campaign?
Decades ago, a cop had told him he could not launch his boat into a lake at a particular spot, and that it would cost him a $50 fine if he did. Mitt nodded that he understood. The cop figured his point had been made, but Romney continued to launch because $50 was chump change. The cop felt righteously insulted, and proceeded to haul Romney’s arrogant ass into the local jail.
Can’t recall how the story ended. Then again, it’s not important, is it?
Ruckus
@Anne Laurie:
Agreed. Good stuff.
MomSense
I have new neighbors so I invited them over for cocktails to get to know them. They are a retired couple with four children, all from previous marriages. He just became a notary so he can marry his daughter to her partner of 20 + years!! So cool. His grandson went to school with my oldest and works at the same place but I hadn’t made the connection.
He was very emotional about it. As soon as Maine made marriage equality the law in our state, he became a notary. They are going to have the wedding later this summer and it will be a small affair in the backyard. I offered to help with the food and/or flowers. He was fighting tears when he talked about it and it just made my heart grow three sizes to hear him speak about it.
On the 4th we are going to see some friends we reconnected with a few years ago. I first met them about 15 years ago when I was the president of my church, and I got a desperate call from a woman wondering if we would allow them to baptize their child because all the churches they had called had said no. I explained to them that we did dedications not baptisms and would be proud to welcome them and their families. I will never forget the sound in her voice as though she was bracing to be rejected. Our church really pulled it out for them–we decorated, everyone made fabulous food for a reception and we even had surrogate grandparents at the ready because the parents were a serious no-show risk. I actually think it helped the grandparents (catholics) to be more supportive when they saw how we treated the occasion. It was a beautiful ceremony and now they have added another son to their family. They are getting married this summer, too!!
I don’t really have an opinion on the stupidly wealthy dude who is the subject of this thread except to say that he does seem to have ridiculous notions of persecution. My overall feeling is that a wedding is an expression by the couple about their relationship and the life they want to create together. It seems to me that he enjoyed himself at his wedding and can lead a fabulous life with his chosen life partner. Why even waste a second caring what others think about it?
ChrisNYC
@Tokyokie: Ha! I’m not interested in mutilation so much as the clack-clack-clack sounds. However, the driver in that scene has the kind of physicality my ideal thresher bride would have. But she’d be in her dress!
Pushkin
@Ruckus:
If he’s a Major Douche and he’s in the Douche Canoe, then he must be a member of the Douche Marine Corps, and not a member of the regular Douche Army, which makes him even more special.
MomSense
@Anne Laurie:
I knew what you meant and that is good enough for me!
Tokyokie
@MomSense: Because the more ostentatious the wedding, the more it’s about impressing the guests, and the less it is about the bride and groom.
Keith
My weekend’s been anything but lazy. 106 degrees out, and I decided it was finally time to pressure wash my driveway. Woulda done it back in February, but I had surgery right after I bought the washer (up till recently, been too broke to pay someone to do it) and had more surgery in March. Feel a sense of accomplishment that I got the bulk of it done on Saturday, so I took a clonidine (brings the heart down) and am gonna chillax on the couch and watch some boxing tonight.
Tokyokie
@ChrisNYC: Cowboy hat optional?
kc
@gbear:
It’s great. From one of the commenters there:
Ruckus
@MomSense:
Because what others think of him is all he has left to get. And he doesn’t see that a marriage is only about two people, Sean Parker seems to think his whole life needs validation for being a rich fucker. What a marriage is about, money can’t buy. The most retched excess doesn’t make it better it just makes him an ass. He can’t lead a fabulous life without admiration from those of us with less money no matter how grand his marriage ceremony was. He is the epitome of a douchebag. But he is so over the top about it that people need to come up with more all encompassing terms to express how much we don’t admire his stupid ass.
MomSense
@Tokyokie:
Having witnessed a lot of weddings, I would say that sounds about right to me.
ChrisNYC
@Tokyokie: Nope. Veil. Here comes the bride. Stand back!
SiubhanDuinne
@burnspbesq:
:: struts proudly :: I am a dyslectic agnostic insomniac who lies awake all night pondering the existence of Dog.
Tokyokie
@MomSense: Well, the spousal unit and I were married 16 years ago in a third world country (at a joint called Chicken Bites) by a judge who was uncertain of her English in a ceremony/reception we and a few of her cousins threw together in about four days. So I tend to be skeptical of anybody planning a “dream” wedding.
Tokyokie
@ChrisNYC: Had the thresher driver worn a bridal gown for that scene, it would have at least lent it a surreal quality that would have made it more interesting, considering that for an action sequence, it drags on about twice as long as it needs to.
IowaOldLady
My son and DIL were married by a friend who got ordained on the internet in honor of the occasion. If that’s not legal, please don’t tell me.
Ruckus
@SiubhanDuinne:
I used to think I was laying awake all night thinking the same thing but then the actual dog would kick me or fart which would wake me up and I’d see that I had it backwards. Dog existed and wasn’t about to let me forget it.
scav
@IowaOldLady: I think I’ve been at that wedding and it was in Iowa too. It was a nice one.
Tokyokie
@IowaOldLady: Did the ceremony involve threshing machines?
Ripley
@Paddy: I highly recommend Top of the Lake – limited-run series, Jane Campion, excellent from start to finish. I enjoyed it much more than The Fall. Broadchurch is jarringly weak, a shambles. Also recommend the first (only, thus far) season of Rectify.
None contain cosmic irony, thankfully.
Mr Stagger Lee
@Ruckus: A Douche-battleship? A douche-destroyer? A douche-frigate?
dance around in your bones
My husband and I used to remind our daughter and soon-to-be-husband that the wedding was not an end-point but a beginning. The real work starts after the wedding.
That said, they had a really cool wedding in Mexico with about a bazillion friends and relatives attending. We all had a blast (AND got blasted! But there was a lot of other stuff to do – surfing, horseback riding, hiking, fishing, swimming under waterfalls and etc). I think it’s what you make it….my husband and I got married at the county courthouse and lasted over 40 years. Other friends got married in their backyard and are still going strong. AND I have other friends who never formally got married and are still together some 30-40 years later.
It’s actually interesting how many of my friends from back in the day are still together, with kids and all. And this is from the late 60’s early 70’s decades. Go figure.
IowaOldLady
@Tokyokie: No machinery of any kind that I noticed. He was married in Chicago.
Ruckus
@Mr Stagger Lee:
Was thinking a douche aircraft carrier but then the diamond studded paddles wouldn’t work. The gold leaf would still be appropriate though.
A douche battleship with diamond studded guns. Now that has possibilities. However as big a douche as Sean Parker is, I’m sure there are bigger ones. So I’d go with douche destroyer with diamond studded anchors and the gold leaf package.
Botsplainer
Anybody know an easy photoshare site that won’t spam me to death so I can show y’all pics of my new puppy?
Ruckus
@Ruckus:
The SS Sean Parker.
SS stands for Stupid Shit.
IowaOldLady
@Botsplainer: I use photobucket. It’s pretty easy and doesn’t send me anything.
Suzanne
This whiny bitch is more of a bridezilla than any of my girlfriends.
dance around in your bones
I’d have to remind him that Every Sperm Is Sacred, as well. Just not as costly.
jeffreyw
@Botsplainer: Imgur
Tokyokie
@Ruckus: How about Fleet Admiral of the Navy of Bismarck-Class Douche Dreadnoughts? (Although an aircraft carrier is larger than a dreadnought, even a Bismarck-class one, dreadnought sounds a lot more pretentious.)
Citizen_X
I can empathize–slightly–because I think it would be hard ignoring all those people slagging you. But you know what would not be so hard? NOT WRITING 9500 FUCKING WORDS ABOUT IT.
Also, how the hell does the landowner just say, “Oh, sure, do your own landscaping, feel free!” Maybe I’ll try that on my landlord, think he’ll go along with it?
Tokyokie
@Citizen_X: As long as you tell your landlord that you didn’t have the legal standing to seek permits to knock out the back wall and build a handball court over a root cellar, everything should be fine.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Tokyokie: The Yamada class had the largest guns and may have been the largest. They are no longer with us. Would an Iowa class battleship do? There are still 4 of those, all that were built.
Ruckus
@Tokyokie:
Let’s not get carried away here. After all isn’t that what started the whole thing in the first place? Douchebag Sean Parker spending millions, pocket change really, not only on his wedding but also a 2.5 million fine just for being a douchebag. OK I guess the fine is just part of the cost of being a douchebag but still. I mean I guess I could be a douchebag if I tried hard enough but I could never afford to be as big of one as Sean Parker can. And probably always will be. That must be where we are different, I think I could learn not to be a douchebag like Sean Parker if I ever managed to become one but I doubt that he will ever figure it out.
mouse tolliver
Only 33 and he wants us to get off his lawn. I’m picturing him in pants hitched up to his nipples, shaking his fist at a cloud.
Scotius
@Ruckus:
And that’s the one thing they can’t buy. They can have immunity from prosecution or any kind of accountability for their actions, but they can’t buy our affection. Mitt Romney found out the same thing last November.
BillinGlendaleCA
@mouse tolliver:
I guess there’s a new use for nipple piercings.
mai naem
@Paddy: This is older stuff so I don’t know if you’re even going to be able to find them – I believe they were both Masterpiece Theater series – House of Elliot and To Serve Them All My Days. Also a Brit series from the 70’s and 80’s which is episodic so you can stop wherever you want – All Creatures Great and Small.
MomSense
@Ruckus:
It really is sort of pathetic and sad, isn’t it. I guess I figure that if you find the love of your life and that person feels the same way–you win! But apparently there are some people who need to achieve a certain status and adulation. I wonder to what extent this insatiable need for adulation is a factor in why these people are so successful. But when will it ever be enough?
My old lab is sleeping at my feet and he is totally content and that makes me so happy. I guess I will never be a gazillionaire because it really doesn’t take that much for me to feel satisfied.
MomSense
@Tokyokie:
Sounds perfect! My dad was a minister and I think my favorite wedding was the one where he called home and asked me to pick some flowers and walk over to the church. I picked some marigolds and nasturtiums and met him in the church study. This couple found a couple witnesses at the bank and had a lovely wedding with laughter and lots of kissing.
When school started she was my new art teacher! When we saw each other we both started giggling!
MomSense
@Mr Stagger Lee:
Douche submarine!!
srv
Since Larry Ellison bought Lanai or whatever, can we just ship Peter Thiel, Parker, and the rest of the fucksticks to their island already?
NickT
Seems that Glenn Greenwald’s latest blockbuster expose wasn’t too convincing even to the Guardian:
littlegreenfootballs.com/article/42204_Guardian-Observer_Publishes_Then_Pulls_New_NSA_Bombshell_Stor…
NobodySpecial
So, when Admiral Canoe’s old lady gets caught fucking the chauffeur, is he gonna trek to a volcano to throw the ring in?
Ruckus
@MomSense:
Most rich people I’ve met are never satisfied. The next dollar, the next spouse, the next beach house/mountain villa, the next servant, the next vote, the next whatever. They are never satisfied with the fact they have more than most everyone else including the biggest egos to feed. Never enough is their mantra. Their privilege is a stick to beat others with so they can steal more privilege.
But it all comes back to being satisfied. Satisfied that enough is not a very big amount of anything other than being comfortable with one’s self no matter the surroundings. A $5 bottle of wine can be delightful unless you are convinced that anything less that $300 is swill. It’s all perspective and so many people don’t have any.
Ruckus
@MomSense:
Submarines are usually unseen and unheard. Douchebag Sean Parker is neither of these. However it does sound good.
MikeJ
@Ruckus:
Mitch Kapor left the most successful software company of its era and founded the EFF.
Ruckus
@MikeJ:
Once again, most but not all of the rich fuckers I’ve met. That number may be bigger than you might imagine but it is nowhere near a comprehensive list.
Ash Can
@Mr Stagger Lee:
“Douche tanker” works fine.
MomSense
@Ruckus:
Ok how about douche garbage barge?
Anne Laurie
@IowaOldLady:
Depends on which state they tied the knot. When we applied for the license in Massachusetts, they had a long list of ‘ceremony to be performed by’ boxes to tick off. It did not include Wiccan (Church of the Goddess), in which the old friend marrying us was consecrated (or Church of Christ Scientist, even though the Mother Church is a famous Boston landmark). When I pointed this out to the clerk, she said, “Oh, members of irregular religions [and, we discovered, any adult person] can get a one-day permit to perform weddings for $25!” So along with our official marriage registration, we have a letter signed by then-Governor William Weld, wishing us & our officiant the best. Our poor friend, however, was rather offended by the “irregular” tag…
bargal
It’s “just deserts” not “desserts”.
PsiFighter37
Sean Parker can shut the fuck up if he’s pissy over people getting mad at him. He’s pretty goddamn rich; if I had that much money, I would either a) not care, because I was a rich asshole douchebag, or b) not be a douchebag and do douchebaggy things that will make people on the Internet call me a douchebag, regardless of how much money I had.
There, that wasn’t hard, was it?
Shaun Appleby
From the Tech Crunch comments:
burnspbesq
Can I just mention that the San Jose Earthquakes are a bunch of fcuking thugs?
BillinGlendaleCA
OT: Somehow, someway my Yorkshire Terrier Pomeranian mix managed to take her collar off. I found it under the couch.
Ruckus
@MomSense:
Now that’s in the spirit.
Big and full of crap that nobody wants.
DoucheGB
Perfect.
Redshirt
There’s only one proper response: Eat the rich.
Barring that, I can’t wait to read about the divorce on TMZ.
Ruckus
@BillinGlendaleCA:
Is the collar still intact or was the buckle undone?
Suzanne
Totally OT. But WTF-ever. During my root canal on Thursday, the dental assistant kept scraping the inside of my mouth with the X-ray plate thing, even though I KEPT WINCING AND SAYING IT HURT. She kept saying she wasn’t doing anything and pushing it in there even though it fucking HURT. Two days later, the root-canaled tooth doesn’t hurt at all, BUT THE SCRAPES DO. I’m so unbelievably annoyed. And I still need more Vicodin.
Ruckus
@Redshirt:
They taste like the shit they are full of.
No thanks.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Ruckus: The buckle was undone.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Redshirt:
His wedding was “sacred.” His divorce will be slapstick.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Suzanne: I told you not to kick her.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: LOL. You owe me a new keyboard.
Narcissus
@BillinGlendaleCA: Do you have ghosts? You probably have ghosts.
Suffern ACE
@NickT: god this is silly. I read about these agreements in the 1980s (the info may have been around earlier, but I wasn’t able to read). I actually agree a little bit with the article. The continental leaders a bit “melodramatic” about this. But gosh. If we think our journalists kind of suck and are slow to stories, the Europeans may actually be worse.
YellowJournalism
My parents eloped in a small church with only my aunt and uncle in attendance, and they spent their honeymoon night in lawn chairs camped at the side of the road. When thy got back and told my grandparents, they said it wouldn’t last and compared them to my dad’s sibling who had a huge proper church wedding. Guess which couple had an epic, messy divorce and which couple is almost at the 40 years mark?
In other words, screw this douchecanoe.
Ruckus
@BillinGlendaleCA:
Check for at least one opposable thumb.
You never know.
Redshirt
@Ruckus: You got to prepare ’em right. Toss out everything from the inside, because it’s all black and shriveled. The rest is like a cigar and whiskey flavored jerky.
Suffern ACE
Went to guy fiori’s restaurant this afternoon. While it doesn’t deserve much praise, I don’t think it deserved the scathing review it got when it opened.
Ruckus
@Redshirt:
Don’t smoke anything and hate cigars.
Jerky can be good but still I’m just not that interested in finding out if rich jerky tastes good or as I suspect, like shit.
So I’ll just save the prep time and effort and drink the whiskey straight.
SatanicPanic
Isn’t numbnuts Parker a big deal in Internet stuff? But he doesn’t know what goes on on the internet? Douchewad.
Villago Delenda Est
@Ash Can:
How about “Douche-Dreadnought”?
? Martin
@Ruckus: I’d just grind them up and use them as fertilizer in my veggie garden. Eat the veggies.
SatanicPanic
Drunk thread? Yes have some
+2, but enjoying a VODKA martini
Shaun Appleby
Wondering if Parker may have inadvertently retired the “douche canoe” trophy. Hard to imagine anyone topping this any time soon.
Barbara
I thought one clear advantage of being a billionaire is having the privilege of not caring what other people think. I’m not sure whether to think more or less of him for not having cultivated his inner Larry Ellison, who doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks.
kdaug
@JWL:
It ended when he ran for president.
Ruckus
@? Martin:
Ground up richey probably does work better as fertilizer. There is so much shit there that the yield would probably be amazing.
The prophet Nostradumbass
Just saw the San Jose Earthquakes score two goals in stoppage time to beat the LA Galaxy 3-2. That was ridiculous, and fun to watch.
Higgs Boson's Mate
Douche Titanic:
“Fuck that iceberg, I’m rich!”
kdaug
@Mr Stagger Lee: Douche-Deathstar.
MikeJ
We’ll find the douchy battleship that’s makin’ such a fuss
We’ve got to sink the douche-Bismarck, the world depends on us
mouse tolliver
@Redshirt: After he’s done with this marriage, I’m thinking he should go for something less ostentatious at his next wedding. A big, fat gypsy wedding perhaps.
MattR
@The prophet Nostradumbass: You see the end of the Phily-Dallas game? That was pretty crazy too as was this goal from Hassoun Camara in the Colorado-Montreal match.
joel hanes
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
[on Usenet] anyone could start a new topic so the lists were rife with things like alt.Higgs_bulletstopper_goatfucker
Yes, famously there was
alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork
which led to
alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die
and was genreralized [by that guy in a cape] as
alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb
for which we have the FAQ
I used to hang out on
alt.buddha.short.fat.guy
myself.
Kibo was Allowed. [looks around expectantly]
Mike G
In fact, I had not even heard of the California Coastal Commission until this incident.
This makes him exceptionally clueless and/or self-centered. Anyone who lives in California, especially near the coast, and follows the news would be aware of the impact and influence of this agency. You can’t build or modify anything
near the ocean without their say-so; it’s what prevents the beaches and the coast from becoming one long fortified high-rise playground of the rich with no public access.
Kyle
@Suffern ACE:
This Guy Fieri menu parody was hilarious —
guysamericankitchenandbar.com/
Not my kind of food, but I don’t get the extreme hate. It’s no worse or better than a stack of other corporate restaurants.
AnotherBruce
Shit, news at 9! People on the internet say bad things about public figures! And why does this delicate flower care at all about this? Part of the democratization of the net is realizing that cretins and assholes have the same access that normal people do. So have enough self confidence to know that only sticks and stones can break your bones. Save your tender feelings for people that really need them.
joan grim
@NickT: Bravo!
Bjacques
Now playing on Spotify (which Parker also owns): Cry Me a River.”
The world you got rich building. Let us show you it.
Citizen_X
Very late with this, but I’ll go with Battle Station Douchebag for maximum grandiosity.
John Weiss
He’s an idiot. Money does not equal smarts.
Jasmine Bleach
@Ruckus:
If he had an aircraft carrier, he could be a Flying Douche. Or a Douche Bomber. Or a Douche Bomb?
Juju
@NickT: Bravo!
johnny aquitard
Late to thread as usual but…”Fleet Admiral of a Douche Canoe” oughta be a tag.