Finally just ate my pizza, after first burning the roof my mouth and having to wait ten minutes for things to cool down. And damn, I made a delicious pizza- home made dough, ricotta based white sauce with some garlic and oregano, a layer of spinach, basil, roasted red pepper, sliced tomato, a little artichoke, and topped with buffalo mozz. and some red pepper flakes. It was amazing.
But that is not what I am hear to talk about. It occurred to me that I would rather a hidden cam video of me masturbating to an 80’s Playboy (remember back when they had real breasts and pubic hair and the only tattoo was a playboy suntan tattoo? Or Hot Lips Houlihan. But, I digress and realize I will now be on Jezebel’s most wanted website list next week.) be made public than a video of me inhaling the half of the pizza I just made. Grunting, sweating, red-faced, tomato and red pepper and cheese juice running down my forearms as I try to breathe through my nose because my mouth is full as I employ a backhoe like motion to shovel food into my fat face all while making kicking motions at the dogs at my feet to let them know they aren’t getting shit.
Sigh. I put the rest in the freezer so it wouldn’t be a temptation.
Although I do own a microwave.
And I am only posting this because I know that every single one of you, at one point in time, has just committed the same kind of pizza/taco/pick your poison crime. Don’t lie. It’s ok to talk about it.
Lavocat
It’s obvious: you’ve replaced sex with food. Welcome to the 40s. It only gets worse from here.
Paddy
Wow.
Narcissus
Is this where I post my Russ Meyer/Chef Boyardee fanfiction
Redshirt
I made pizzas too – one with a home made guacamole sauce, chili, and habanero cheese. Spicy!
Zam
You’re lucky I’m drunk
JWL
“Grunting, sweating, red-faced, tomato and red pepper and cheese juice running down my forearms as I try to breathe through my nose because my mouth is full as I employ a backhoe like motion to shovel food into my fat face all while making kicking motions at the dogs at my feet to let them know they aren’t getting shit”.
To quote the late, great Roseanne Rosanadana, who long ago responded to a similar self-description on SNL: “You sound like a real attractive guy”.
jharp
“remember back when they had real breasts and pubic hair”
I remember the real breasts but if we caught a glimpse of pubic hair we went nuts. It just didn’t happen.
Circa 1970?
Redshirt
John would be the perfect patron for a restaurant idea I have: The Trough.
Dinner is served in a personal trough, without plates or utensils. Diners are encouraged to dig into their food with gusto and let go of their inhibitions – after all, you’re eating at The Trough.
Lyrebird
Done that and plenty more, but then again I’m (literally) a recovering food junkie… def. wouldn’t want videos shared. Grateful that today I can remember that food, however luscious, won’t take me anywhere I don’t already know how to go… and yes there are food hangovers, I don’t care to have more of ’em.
But bon appetit to all who can indulge w/o suffering much in the way of ill effects, and happy alternate forms of celebrating to everyone else!
Suzanne
Time to get laid. Often and well.
different-church-lady
Jesus Christ… you can’t un-read something…
Bob In Portland
It used to be Red Vines, but if I eat more than a handful anymore I get sick.
Here’s a secret from the government. Back when I started as a night clerk at the Postal Concentration Center in SF we read people’s Playboys. That’s why they had to start putting them in plastic wrappers.
Comrade Mary
Thank you for thinking of me. Oh, my. /fans self
Mornington Crescent
Steve Coogan’s character in “Saxondale” had a massive Playboy collection and said the the 80s models all wore blue eye shadow and looked like they had a ferret on their lap.
Anya
Paging Dr. Freud. Paging Dr. Freud!
Surly Duff
Something tells me Balloon Juice just jumped the grunting, sweating, red-faced shark.
Spaghetti Lee
Not me. I only eat diced watercress with brass chopsticks.
NickT
@Comrade Mary:
Cole’s turn to Hobbit Porn to make a living is certainly one of his more unusual recent incarnations.
Mnemosyne
I made some pretty tasty turkey burgers for our Fourth of July dinner — turns out the secret is to mix ricotta cheese in with them and they don’t dry out. Combined it with grilled asparagus, potato chips, and potato salad. Now I’m having freshly baked chocolate chip cookies for dessert and watching Hail the Conquering Hero with G.
Nah, don’t think I’d trade.
Redshirt
If you concentrate, you can really hear the slurping, grunting, snorting, gnawing, and lip smacking. Electric prose!
Yatsuno
@Suzanne:
Braggart. :)
I have one very scared border collie on my bed. Jack does not do big booms well at all.
nwithers
It’s always a good to see somebody enjoy their food. I’ll give you a trolling quote:
“If you really want to make a friend, go to someone’s house and eat with him… the people who give you their food give you their heart.”
Cesar Chavez
Corn on the cob and steak tonight for me, 4th of July and all.
Spaghetti Lee
Also, I missed the last thread, but going back on it, maybe your lifelong singletude has something to do with that?
Goes for the rest of you too. Bunch of sourpuss old fucks. I bet you’re all posting from soundproof rooms in underground bunkers. I just got back from fireworks and they kicked ass.
Steeplejack
@Mornington Crescent:
You rang? Cynthia Brimhall, October ’85. (Not, not, not safe for work.)
I was doing research persuant to jharp’s comment above and happened to find this at my fingertips (so to speak). Turns out the “Pubic Wars” were much earlier, circa 1970. (This link text only, safe for work.)
Anya
Poor Edward Snowden! He’s stranded in a Moscow airport transit area. What could be worse?
NickT
@Steeplejack:
After viewing your first link, I now understand where Donald Trump’s “hair” came from.
nwithers
@Anya: Stranded in the Newark airport? I imagine they Have vodka where he’s holed up.
Hazel Stone
What if you managed to not post needlessly misogynist crap about porn on your “lefty leaning” blog? It would sure make it more welcoming to me.
Anya
@nwithers: Yup, that would be worse.
aangus
Just sayin”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piz0YQ_VLQo
: )
Steeplejack
@Anya:
Things are actually looking up for Snowden. Russian spy Anna Chapman just tweeted a marriage proposal.
Allegedly. [Kathy Griffin voice]
I am not a kook
Uh, I feel kinda sticky after reading that Wikipedia article about Pubic Wars.
p.a.
@different-church-lady: Winner.
With me its BBQ, esp. chicken. Can’t have that meal on an early-in-the-relationship date. I vacuum that meat from the bones. They’re picked clean, even the ribs. Sometimes the cartilage too. And Pho also, but that is designed to be messy anyway. Even chopstick natives tend to go caveman with it.
YellowJournalism
I can’t unread this, can I?
Lyrebird
@Hazel Stone: Hm, I found his affirmation of bushy bushes to be welcoming, but of course YMMV.
Citizen_X
…The Aristocrats!
Wait, that’s not right…Happy Fourth of July!
Suzanne
@Yatsuno: I have a two-year-old. I ain’t bragging about SHIT.
Comrade Mary
The comment section for every article ever written about intimate grooming.
Comrade Mary
DAMN IT, COLE, PUT DOWN THE PIZZA AND TAKE ME OUT OF MODERATION.
Suzanne
As for the pubes….I just wish they’d French braid them or something. Bush just always looks like 80s bangs, but on your crotch.
magurakurin
@Anya:
you didn’t read Cole’s post just now, did you?
Narcissus
Wait is it the tattoo remark that makes it misogynistic or just porn in general
John O
Nice visual, John.
I can’t honestly remember the food stuff, though it’s likely I’ve been there at least once, but I remember the Playboy stuff pretty good. My grandfather was a subscriber, and it was a fun game trying to find them without getting caught.
Suzanne
First time I saw Playboy was my first time babysitting. I think I was eleven. The parents told me that the kid hid toys under the couch, so I should fish them out. Guess what else was hidden under the couch.
aangus
ROFLMAO!
; )
Burnspbesq
Three points, yes, but a butt-ugly performance by the Galaxy.
Anybody going to the national team match in SD tomorrow night?
John O
@Suzanne: Hmmm…I have a pretty good imagination. Do tell!
aangus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFGrRSVW8jk
Comrade Mary
@Suzanne: My Dad had stacks of Playboy piled up in the master bedroom. As I was the designated omnivorous reader of the household, I was allowed to read anything I could find. Once I found Little Annie Fanny (which, hey, was a comic strip, right?) I was reading that feature, then the whole issues, along with my Alvin and the Chipmunks books, 2001 and Lord of the Flies. I was there for the Pubic Wars, maaaaaan.
I still don’t know why my at least nominally Catholic family shrugged off their 7 year old reading ALL the porn, but they did.
Comrade Mary
Oh, thanks, John! Please, enjoy the rest of your pizza.
Yatsuno
@Comrade Mary: Because denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Comrade Mary
@Yatsuno: I don’t think denial played any part of it. They were actually aware and amused that I was reading Playboy.
(Do I need therapy now? Maybe I need therapy.)
Suzanne
@Comrade Mary: Weird. The centerfold in the Playboy I saw had a tiny bush, but by the time I was a teenager and saw porn again, it was all landing strips or Brazilians. It was the 90s.
Mnemosyne
@Comrade Mary:
Those were the days when Playboy actually had good writers writing substantial articles and short stories, so they probably figured you weren’t spending much time lingering over the pictures.
dewzke
@different-church-lady: My thought exactly.
FunkyEntropy+4
Technically, it’s “bufala” mozzarella. You will get raised eyebrows asking for the male, buffalo version.
trollhattan
So we went to a pool party in the afternoon and while it was nice being in the water it wasn’t the least refreshing. Grabbed the thermometer, which read 93. Yoikes.
Pool party #2 was much more bettah, as pool was only in the 80s. I made some John Cheever jokes which nobody got and now we’re home. The dog, while drugged for the fireworks still won’t go outside to pee so it’s going to be a long night. I”m pretty much done with the 4th as an event, I just want it over, especially since it was 109 today. This summer is one for the books.
max
@Bob In Portland: Here’s a secret from the government. Back when I started as a night clerk at the Postal Concentration Center in SF we read people’s Playboys. That’s why they had to start putting them in plastic wrappers.
When I had a Penthouse subscription back in 89-90 or so, the mailman used to rip open the bag. No biggie, I wrote it off as a tip. (No stains, no ripped pages, no problem!)
Hazel Stone said:
Whoa. Hazel of the The Rolling Stones, The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress and so on? Being called misogynistic by the fictional preborn! That’s a first. I think.
It occurred to me that I would rather a hidden cam video of me masturbating to an 80′s Playboy (remember back when they had real breasts and pubic hair and the only tattoo was a playboy suntan tattoo? Or Hot Lips Houlihan. But, I digress and realize I will now be on Jezebel’s most wanted website list next week.) be made public than a video of me inhaling the half of the pizza I just made.
You know nothing, John Cole.
max
[‘Quoth the raven, ‘Ewwww, GROSS!”]
Alison
Today’s entry in the People Who Make Me Question My Preference For Non-Violence: http://www.ktvu.com/news/news/crime-law/police-investigate-attempted-poising-dogs-meatball/nYdhX/
RAGE. BUILDING.
What kind of twisted fuck would do something so monstrous :(
JGabriel
John Cole @ Top:
True, but I don’t think anyone else here ever got the shits from a Taco Bell in the state capitol of West Virginia.
ruemara
Well…it’s not like I was using my libido anyway.
Violet
It’s sweet stuff for me. Do not get between me and my Ben and Jerry’s.
Felonius Monk
@different-church-lady:
This has to be one of the all time best lines — ever.
CanadaGoose
@Alison: I just PREFER nonviolence.
Felonius Monk
Uh Oh. I think I just found a pubic hair in my pizza! This is really one hell of a thread.
The prophet Nostradumbass
The Twilight Zone episode “The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” is on SyFy right now. Cold War paranoia to its logical conclusion.
sacrablue
I wish my neighbors would run out of fireworks already. I wish I could afford to blow money that way. They are definitely not the “safe and sane” legal kind. Thank the FSM that we don’t have wood shake roofs in my immediate neighborhood. My cats are freaked out. The feral cat came in my house two hours ago and is scared to go back out. It is still 90 degrees and I’m really cranky and whiny.
Yatsuno
@Comrade Mary: Catholics are quite adept at denial, so it tends to be a default setting for me. Oh the joys of being progeny from a mixed marriage.
Gex
I had been hoping to get labs back on Wednesday rather than having to wait until tomorrow or more likely next week. Optimistic me thought they’d want to plow through a lot of work before the holiday, when really it’s more likely they were short staffed. Oh well.
I mostly stopped in to mention that I keep getting pleasantly surprised by how awesome my new apartment/location is. I had friends over, we went to the fair that is two blocks from my apartment, then we came back to my place and watched the fireworks next to my patio.
I’m also next to the new 35W bridge. I’m guessing the bridge was pissing off conservatives this week. It went rainbow colored for Pride Week, of course. But then it stayed rainbow through yesterday, when I expected it to go red, white, and blue.
To add insult to injury the bridge was green today. I’m mostly puzzled, but I imagine there are anti-gay patriots that were foaming at the mouth angry.
goblue72
@Redshirt: Classic SNL (Ackroyd/Belushi era) beat you to it with the classic Troff N’ Brew skit – :
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/77/77rtroff.phtml
piratedan
@The prophet Nostradumbass: scary how many of those shows are still relevant today….
Gex
@Gex: “…the fireworks FROM my patio…”
Narcissus
@The prophet Nostradumbass: The July 4 Twilight Zone marathon is how I celebrate my patriotism.
Another Halocene Human
dammit Cole, your pizza does sound amazing. Even if your dough/sauce/mozz is shitty, which I strongly suspect it is, it would still taste like heaven. I’m jelly.
Another Halocene Human
The freezer is hell on cheese. Like, good cheese.
Another Halocene Human
@Redshirt: I made pizzas too – one with a home made guacamole sauce, chili, and habanero cheese. Spicy!
Abominable. I am disappoint.
How did you keep a giant hold developing in the crust when you picked it up due to all that water?
Another Halocene Human
Okay, since everybody is giving their I-Day meals, here is the special meal my wife and I made adapted from something I saw on Delish:
Artichoke Olive
TunaSalmon Salad1 can Alaska pink salmon, skin&bones removed
1 tablespoon chopped fresh dill
1/4 cu chopped green olive (Used Lindsay “Sicilian style” which was very good)
1/4 cu chopped black olive (used Greek kalamatas)
1/2 cu chopped artichoke (used Vigo quartered can, about half the can, drained)
Optional: small amount of cut red onion, depends on taste/tolerance (I used ZERO)
Put it all in the bowl then drain off any liquid that appears.
Add:
1/2 tblspoon olive oil
cracked pepper to taste
dash of lemon juice
1 cu Greek yogurt
Gently spoon ingredients together. Should look a bit like a glistening chicken salad as the yogurt thins out.
I served over spring greens with a little chopped red pepper and more chopped dill. Twas tasty.
It actually was good without any fruit (like grapes), although I could have used it in the spring mix.
It was also good with crackers.
Canned salmon is pretty dry to me but the yogurt seemed to really fix that.
EriktheRed
A huge-ass ground beef burrito is what does it for me. Pretty soon the wife will forbid me from getting any more of those.
Americanadian
Cheesesteaks. Every single moment I’ve had similar to our gracious host’s has occurred while visiting relatives in suburban philly, or on my off nights at the restaurant I work at, which was started by a Villanova alum who imports frozen thin-sliced ribeye from across the Alleghenies. More so the latter than the former.
Montarvillois
If I’m eating something so good I’m tempted to keep stuffing myself until I’m sick there’s only one solution, throw the “leftover” into the garbage can and mix with cat food. Open a new tin if you have to.
HelloRochester
I would tsk tsk you, but my mouth is full of hot dogs and macaroni salad.
Hawes
@Redshirt: They have that restraunt already. It’s called Cheesecake Factory.
Redshirt
@Another Halocene Human: It came out great! The guacamole replaced the tomato sauce, and it was just a thin spread. The chili was mostly beans, and again it was a thin later. Then cheese and a few fresh cut veggies on top. Was not soggy in the least bit. Maybe a bit on the “too spicy” side, but that’s never an issue.
Redshirt
@goblue72: Heh. I saw that skit back in the day, yet had forgotten all about it. Oh, subconscious, you sneaky bastard!
Gus
The only time I ever eat like that is when I’m stoned and have the munchies. Doesn’t happen much anymore.
jake the snake
@Bob In Portland:
Because the pages were stuck together?
Paul in KY
@Lavocat: 5th year’s the worst…
Old School Pervert
@Steeplejack:
Oh how I miss those days. Now, there is no carpet to match with the drapes.
jake the snake
Classic salty greasy potato chips. Piranha would flea in terror from a jake the snake potato chip frenzy.
jake the snake
Is anyone else getting everything in moderation.
moderation in defense of blog purity is no virtue.
Paul in KY
@Alison: Same twisted fucks that put out anti-freeze…
kpete
I love this place. Tunch really sets the table in this house.
More pizza please…
Ms. D. Ranged in AZ
Thank goodness I’m not the only one to devour food (occasionally) in such fashion. My most memorable gorge-fest was an every Friday night routine about 15 years ago. When I lived in Maitland/Winter Park, FL on Bennet Ave right down the street from my tiny two bedroom bungalow was a very famous BBQ restaurant–Bubbalou’s Bodacious BBQ. I use the term restaurant very loosely…it was a shack, painted red with a couple of huge smokers out back. Nowadays it’s a chain but back then it was still “quaint”. My entire neighborhood was permeated with the heady aroma from their smokers. It was like living in heaven. The BBQ was so friggin good famous folks like Bill Clinton, Sammy Davis Jr, BB King, etc had all stopped by to eat and have their picture taken with the owner.
Every Friday after another fruitless and frustrating day as a Probation Officer for the “Not-so-great state of Florida” I would stop by Bubbalou’s and get a pound of baby back ribs and garlic bread to go. I would take it home, sit on the edge of my sofa in front of the TV with a six pack of cold beer, a roll of paper towels and just tear into those suckers. My dog Maggie would sit their drooling and emitting periodic sad little whimpers. Every time she’d whimper she would skooch just a little closer to me. By the time I finished she’d be right by my elbow, breathing heavily on me as if the effort of not attacking me for the ribs was was making her hyperventilate. I never, ever shared with her until I was sure I couldn’t eat another bite. I would have BBQ sauce all over my face, my hands, my forearms….it was bliss. I don’t miss living in FL but I sure as hell do miss those ribs.
davebo
John, this is what the blogosphere navel gasing tag was made for.
Paul in KY
@Ms. D. Ranged in AZ: Your poor dog showed admirable restraint.
Joel
Well, there’s this one time I ate a bunch of Dick’s.
Hamburgers, that is.
schrodinger's cat
My sin is potato chips, the kettle cooked variety, that’s why I never keep any at home.
Ms. D. Ranged in AZ
@Paul in KY:
She was the best dog ever! Chocolate lab mix, lived to be 17 years old, died in her sleep. If there is a doggy heaven, she is there.
Trinity
Sweet Bieber…now I want pizza.
Lavocat
@Redshirt: I think it’s called Dennys.
Lavocat
@Paul in KY: Let me tell ya, 49 blows chunks.
Lavocat
@goblue72: Man, I ‘d forgotten all about that skit. SNL during the Ackroyd/Belushi days. Good times!