Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I might just take the rest of the day off and do even more nothing than usual.

Republicans: The threats are dire, but my tickets are non-refundable!

Keep the Immigrants and deport the fascists!

Dear elected officials: Trump is temporary, dishonor is forever.

“The defense has a certain level of trust in defendant that the government does not.”

Let’s not be the monsters we hate.

Fear or fury? The choice is ours.

You’re just a puppy masquerading as an old coot.

Hell hath no fury like a farmer bankrupted.

Their freedom requires your slavery.

Petty moves from a petty man.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Not loving this new fraud based economy.

The fight for our country is always worth it. ~Kamala Harris

Compromise? There is no middle ground between a firefighter and an arsonist.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

I am pretty sure these ‘journalists’ were not always such a bootlicking sycophants.

Hey Washington Post, “Democracy Dies in Darkness” was supposed to be a warning, not a mission statement.

If ‘weird’ was the finish line, they ran through the tape and kept running.

He seems like a smart guy, but JFC, what a dick!

The Giant Orange Man Baby is having a bad day.

Trump should be leading, not lying.

It’s pointless to bring up problems that can only be solved with a time machine.

Optimism opens the door to great things.

You are here: Home / Nature & Respite / Nature / These Guys

These Guys

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pricks

I dunno what is going on lately, but I am in a struggle with Steve to retain my status as alpha male of the house, and Thurston is taking advantage of the leadership void. I stood there for thirty seconds saying get out of my chair at louder increments until I went and got my camera, took this picture, yelled at them to get up, and all I got was a look from Thurston before putting his head back down and going back to sleep. I had to dump them to get my chair back.

I had a prolonged argument with Steve earlier, too. I was washing dishes and heard him meowing at the front door, and I went and let him in and he immediately started bitching for dinner. I told him it was his fault he missed breakfast because he was outside the perimeter wilding, and he was having none of it bitching louder and louder until I finally yelled “Fuck you, you’ll eat when I’m done” at my cat. He huffed off out the dog door giving me the stink eye.

I’m losing control and I’m scared.

*** Update ***

Great, he knows I have been talking about him online.

steve

Reader Interactions

122Comments

  2. 2.

    lamh36

    Face it Cole you are no longer Alpha…just keep ur canine and feline overlords well fed and with a roof over their heads and maybe they’ll respect you a bit later ??

  3. 3.

    Amir Khalid

    The thing is, you’re still big enough to dump them from your chair. And you control the food supply. So you still Da Man.

  4. 4.

    MattF

    They’ve seen the new recruit and they’re looking forward to the moment when cats + dogs will outweigh you. Not yet, but soon.

  5. 5.

    Schlemazel

    I’d be careful with Steve, he looks like he is in your weight class now & probably had a good reach. Stay away from his left.

  6. 6.

    max

    I’m losing control and I’m scared.

    C’mon Cole, what happened to your Army skills, dude? Boot knife! Show that cat you mean business. Try waving it at him.

    And if it comes down to it, well, you have a grill, right? All you need is a jar of mustard and you have dinner.

    max
    [‘If you made underwear out of him, you could be a Republican candidate for Congress, even!’]

  8. 8.

    Betsy

    The drama is in your head, not Steve’s. He’s just responding to perceived rewards.

    It’s temporary, and nothing really bad will happen. You’re overtaxed and anxious at present, that’s all.

    You get your equilibrium back, his behaviors will adjust, your projections will cease, and it’ll be OK.

  11. 11.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @max:

    C’mon Cole, what happened to your Army skills, dude?

    He drove a tank. It gives no applicable skills for a guerrilla war with a cat.

  12. 12.

    seaboogie

    I think that you may safely assume that Steve and the pups had a family meeting while you were limping down the street with your new love, Walter. Guessing their moment of truth was your posting a pic of Walter’s poo on the blog – as if they haven’t been giving you daily offerings for years….If Lily turns on you too – you are done for.

  15. 15.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    They’ve got you using your blog to post photos of their poop, of course they feel in charge.

  16. 16.

    Betsy

    Moreover. For all your yelling, they trust you’re harmless, so they do nothing (as pictured). Would it make you feel better if your critter friends scattered like quail when you raise your voice? What you describe is trust, not defiance.

  17. 17.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    Red Dwarf, S04E02

    (Kryten the android, having been turned human by a machine they found, shows Dave Lister a Polaroid of his newly-acquired human penis)

    Kryten: Well, what do you think?
    Lister: I’m not quite with you here Kryten, what am I supposed to say?
    Kryten: I want to know, is that normal?
    Lister: What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it’s not.

  18. 18.

    srv

    You make the common mistake. You’re not their friend, buddy or caretaker.

    You’re their master.

  19. 19.

    J R in WV

    That’s a big, fat cat, dat cat is. WOW he’s big and round. I bet he steals DF from all the dogs in the neighborhood.

    You are alpha, since you are the master of the food vault. Don’t let them push you around. We only let the dog on the bed when only one of us is taking a nap, at night when we’re both in bed, they have to get down, and know this after just a couple of troublesome moments.

  22. 22.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @Betsy:

    It’s temporary, and nothing really bad will happen. You’re overtaxed and anxious at present, that’s all.

    Someone should check because there’s a chance that this “Betsy” is just the name that Steve uses when he posts here.

  24. 24.

    Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (Formerly Mumphrey, et al.)

    My father had this running fight with one of our dogs. He had this one chair he liked to sit in whenever he watched C-SPAN, which was, pretty much, all the time. Whenever he stood up for anything, one of the dogs would get up in the chair, even if she had been fast asleep somewhere. We never knew how she could tell, but as soon as he stood up, two seconds later, she was in his seat. Sometimes when he came back from the kitchen or bathroom or wherever he’d gone, he’d make her get out, but often he’d just sit in another chair and keep on watching C-SPAN from that one. Then, when the dog got up, quick as a flash, he’d steal his seat back. I never got tired of watching this titanic battle.

  27. 27.

    Schlemazel

    It is interesting that everyone here gets that Cole is half joking about this subject. Everyone except the two shit fountains who see only the opportunity to exercise their dominance over other creatures. As if that is all their life can comprehend. Somehow I can imagine both beating a dachshund with a belt to prove they are the master & must be obeyed. What sad little people they must be.

  29. 29.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @trollhattan: it still takes a crew of, I believe, four. TC, gunner, loader, and driver. I come from an environment where the proper TOE crew for a howitzer was 11 13Bs, so the tankers around here can correct me If I am wrong.

  32. 32.

    Mai.naem.mobile

    You just need to pick up Steve and take him down to Taco Bell and let him know thats where he will become dinner stop ever being a diner.

  33. 33.

    ruemara

    There is no such thing as “alpha” male with this dominance thing you’re talking about. You’re just not being more interesting or rewarding to pay attention to. Give them an alternative and they’ll give you the chair.

  38. 38.

    laura

    That Steve is burring up rapidly, it doesn’t look like he ever had the summer lion cut.
    He’s very handsomely marked.
    That other guy, he looks like trouble.

  40. 40.

    Pogonip

    @Felixmoronia: “And how did this injury occur, Mr. Cole?”
    “In an attempt to regain my alpha-male status, I dumped my cat and my dog out of my chair when they wouldn’t move on their own. In an attempt to retain HIS alpha-male status, my cat sneaked up on me while I was asleep and shoved me out of bed onto the floor, and when I stood up I tripped on a jar of mustard that rolled out from under the bed.”
    “I see. And where was your dog?
    “Sitting equidistant between us so he could plausibly claim to side with whoever ended up alpha male.”

  41. 41.

    CaseyL

    Steve blends nicely with the chair; of course he believes it’s his. And Thurston, as Steve’s BFF, goes where Steve goes.

    Please ignore the folks telling you to re-establish yourself as “alpha.” Even dog trainers now realize that’s a misguided and damaging way to interact with dogs… and cats? Cats don’t need no steenking alphas; they’re natural anarchists.

    What I I think is, Steve and Thurston are feeling a bit anxious, seeing as how you’re coming home with (as you put it) lipstick on your collar and smelling of perfume. Giving you grief and bitching at you is their way of seeking reassurance, because they get your attention.

  44. 44.

    planetpundit

    Steve could easily end any illusions Cole has that he ever WAS the Alpha once Steve took up residence if he cared to do so. Obviously, it’s not worth his time or effort.

  46. 46.

    Felixmoronia

    @Omnes Omnibus: You think Cole couldn’t round up a crew? The frat boys would love it.

    P.S. Been meaning to ask you for a long time: were you ever involved with Project Alpha in the 80’s?

  47. 47.

    Matt McIrvin

    @Schlemazel: Besides, while I can’t speak for dogs, the concept of a human as “alpha” is just inapplicable to cats. It doesn’t register in their minds at all. To a cat, a human is a big, stupid cat that provides food and opens doors, and can’t see in the dark for some reason. You can earn buddy status, to the understated extent that cats have buddies, if you work at it.

  48. 48.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @CaseyL: The only people suggesting dominance actions are well-known trolls. Cole just needs to discover his true place in the pack. He created it, so they will always respect him. Beyond that, It is only his thumbs that keep him in control. Also, the dog to cat ratio. If the cats were in the majority, I posit that that they would already have made an attempt to eat him.

  49. 49.

    Amir Khalid

    I was under the impression that dogs see the human head of the household as a parent, rather than a boss as implied by the term “alpha”.

  50. 50.

    Mnemosyne

    @CaseyL:

    I tend to agree with this — they’re smelling Walter on him and probably hearing/smelling him in th garage and they’re wondering WTH is going now.

    Now, if all y’all will excuse me, Keaton has let me know that it’s 5 minutes past wet food time. (Yes, our cat can tell time, but we still don’t let him drive the car.)

  53. 53.

    Suzanne

    Be careful. Steve knows where you sleep. I would be willing to bet that, if you piss him off too badly, he’ll leave you a present on your pillow.

    However, the dog shouldn’t be on the furniture.

  55. 55.

    hilzoy

    @Matt McIrvin: I don’t know whether this is true, but: I read somewhere that the reason cats leave mice etc. on our doorsteps is not, as people fondly imagine, that they are giving us presents, but that this is how they teach kittens to hunt: first giving them a dead mouse (or other prey animal), then a stunned one, etc., until they get the hang of it. So (according to this theory) the supposed ‘presents” are actually a sign that cats think that despite our enormous size, we are too dumb to take care of ourselves, and need to be taught the basics.

  56. 56.

    debit

    @Suzanne:

    However, the dog shouldn’t be on the furniture.

    Eh. I let mine on the chairs and sofa. You know they do it when you’re not home anyway. I draw the line at beds. There are a half a dozen pet beds of varying sizes all over the house, including my bedroom. I don’t know how John sleeps with dogs right next to him. They’re almost as bad as cats for throwing off heat.

    (Okay, the exception was Chloe, but she was small and old, and had trouble staying warm in the winter. What else could I do?)

  57. 57.

    Felixmoronia

    @Omnes Omnibus: Huge Army research project in the 80’s tracking soldiers from enlistment to 2nd tour in an effort to learn how to slot recruits into the right MOS for retention purposes. But, you were an officer and I mainly worked with NCO’s and enlisted. Probably the only you would have noticed is that all of you cannoncockers disappeared for a day.

  58. 58.

    Mary G

    You’ve been punished for sneaking around cheating on them with another dog. You have to expect some acting out. Wait until you move. Steve will HATE it. Cats don’t like changing territory at all.

  59. 59.

    Suzanne

    @debit: Mine are crated or confined to a bathroom when they’re home alone (which isn’t often). My Luna can be a nervous chewer. My mom’s dog, Chica, was allowed on the furniture when my mom lived on her own, and I don’t allow it in my house. Sometimes if I get home early unexp curly, the dog is on the furniture, and it pisses me off.

  60. 60.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Mnemosyne: The question with wolves is who takes charge when the parents die or aren’t able to lead anymore. Dipshits make far more of the dominance fights that happen on that occasion. From what what I remember of what I have read/seen the pack has some voice in choosing the next leader. As it turns out, the bully doesn’t get the job; the one who built relationships does.

  62. 62.

    debit

    @Suzanne: I’ve been so lucky in that I’ve never had a dog or cat who chewed. I hear horror stories about cats especially chewing through electrical wires and count my blessings.

  63. 63.

    Suffragete City elftx

    And there it is:

    Nate Cohn Verified account
    ‏@Nate_Cohn

    Maybe the most telling, to me: just 28 percent are “comfortable” with the idea of Trump as president. 50% say it makes them “very anxious.”

  64. 64.

    Felixmoronia

    @Felixmoronia: It’s quite possible that I tested Cole to determine if he knew what he was doing having spent 2 weeks in late ’88 testing tankers in Erlangen,FRG.

  65. 65.

    Gravenstone

    @hilzoy: I must have passed the hunter exam in that case. Had to rescue a mouse from my pair of idiots because they were just playing with the poor thing. Put it out of its misery, then out of my house. Ever since, when they kill one, they leave it wherever they decided to stop playing with the body.

  66. 66.

    Mnemosyne

    @ThresherK (GPad):

    Nope, Annie and Charlotte. I did want to name Annie “Mabel,” but she didn’t respond to anything but “Annie.”

    (Charlotte was originally named after Charlotte Charles, the Lonely Tourist, but now I’ve gone to a totally different fandom and think of her as Charlotte Corday Rowbotham.)

  69. 69.

    rikyrah

    Um Cole?
    It’s their house. They just let you live there because you give them good food.
    I thought you knew.
    We all knew.????

  71. 71.

    Felixmoronia

    @Omnes Omnibus: I’m not good with links, however if you Google ‘u s army project A’ the 2nd and 3rd links are about Project Alpha. 2nd link is just a brief overview and the 3rd is John Campbell’s published paper on the whole thing.

  72. 72.

    realitybites

    End of the thread again! No one will read this! Maybe I will post this again later this morning.
    My life has been subject more than usual to the 2nd law of thermodynamics for the last month. I have been returning library books unread – too busy fighting the chaos to GET ANYTHING DONE!. Most importantly, I have missed a LOT of Balloon Juice, and am now on a catching-up binge.
    I have been both horrified at Walter’s backstory, and moved to tears at John’s and the other BJer’s reaction. You are all such good people. I know I have missed a lot, but in case no one else has suggested it, please contact the Animal Legal Defense Fund if there is going to be some sort of legal action against the ass**le who treated Walter so deplorably. They often work with prosecutors to help ensure the most appropriate and maximum possible penalties against people like this. At least let’s make sure he is never allowed to own pets again.
    I’m looking at another too busy week again, but hope to be able to stay more in touch with all the goodness and wit and snark of the BJ community. I’ve been involved in animal rescue for over 40 years, and having seen so much that is bad, it is inspiring to see people come together for good.
    Thanks to all of you.

  77. 77.

    Felixmoronia

    @Omnes Omnibus: Other proof of what? The the project even existed? And what claim am I making, I only asked if you had any involvement with Project A during you time in the military. Obviously you are fucking ignorant of the whole thing.

  78. 78.

    The Pale Scot

    @shomi:

    Maybe start by not letting your animals sleep on your bed. At a minimum they should not be allowed on the bed without your permission.

    You probably still don’t realize it but that problem with that one dog of yours (the one that doesn’t like it’s picture taken) and seems to have an attitude all the time, is an alpha problem. The dogs instinctively know that you are supposed to be the alpha. So when you don’t act like it they get confused and then you get these behaviour problems.

    Huhh.. That’s all wrong, it’s not a hierarchy, your all a team. And the team needs to understand that we’ll all have more fun if we do my way. They can try it their way, but we’re the only team members with opposable thumbs.

    Just leave the cans of wet food on the floor with a can-opener. If that doesn’t work take them walks around the house instead of around the block. (Ouuu did that piss Himself off, especially when it was wet out and I’d go thru the whole wash the paws off routine. Once the towel was out, he knew the evening was over).

  82. 82.

    ruemara

    @Amir Khalid: That’s more accurate. The family leader. That being said, you still have to provide something to be listened to.

    @Omnes Omnibus: That’s correct. Alpha in wolf packs are the ones that have shown the best care towards packmembers. IOW, the nurturing male. We’re the dumb ones who think it’s based on bullying each other. That info came from a flawed study. /end animal behaviorist rant

  83. 83.

    Omnes Omnibus

    @Felixmoronia: You have something that you think is important. Link to it. You made a claim, you need to back it. Link to Campbell. Or don’t.

  87. 87.

    seaboogie

    Great, he knows I have been talking about him online.

    You should probably assume that Steve knows his way around a mouse…..

  89. 89.

    realitybites

    @efgoldman:
    There is a group called Angels of Assisi in Roanoke VA, that regularly takes in large numbers of animals from hoarders and breeders. The conditions of some of these animals will make you ill. I have been in places with ankle-deep feces on the floor to do rescue. Angels also recently participated in a rescue of dogs from Korea that were kept in deplorable conditions in small cages being raised for food. I don’t have the exact quote, but Ghandi said something about how the greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated. I hope all the animals rescued from the situation you linked will not have too many health or psychological problems and will find loving homes.

  90. 90.

    Villago Delenda Est

    You’re not really in trouble, John, unless Steve develops opposable thumbs.

    Then all bets are off.

  92. 92.

    divF

    @Mnemosyne:

    Charlotte Corday Rowbotham

    “Jeeves, Mr Little is in love with that female.”
    “So I gathered, sir. She was slapping him in the passage.”
    I clutched my brow.
    “Slapping him?”
    “Yes, sir. Roguishly.”

  96. 96.

    No One You Know

    @Felixmoronia: I believe he’s asking for something like this.

    I can’t be sure this is the page you wanted to cite.

    Someone with more html juju could say it better, but here’s a go:

    1. Open the page that supports whatever claim you’re making. If you want to claim something’s true, people want to see where you got it from. (“Because I said so” only works for personal experience.)
    2. Tap and hold the address bar and when the little menu pops up, select “copy to clipboard”
    3. Return to the BJ page and tap the clipboard icon at top right to paste the address.
    4. I have to put the html immediately after the address.
    5. I type the last word of my sentence after the >.
    6. After the last word of my sentence, I put the end link in manually (     ).

    I’m sure the “link” button is supposed to make this easier, but I haven’t got the knack. So I cheat by making wisecracks instead of claims, because it’s so easier to snark than to cite. Hope this makes sense, even though I didn’t get this perfectly right.

  97. 97.

    SectionH

    @divF: Yes. Plum…

    I kind of miss “gussie” who used to post here.

    Now let us consider the ways Plum used to skewer Roderick Spode (nka Donald Trump).

  99. 99.

    J R in WV

    @efgoldman:

    Soooo….. 300 times worse than Walter being left in an empty house during a heat wave alone to die. Goats, chickens, puppies, cats, dogs by the dozens. Neglected for months or even years, AFTER there was an investigation for animal cruelty. In Massachusetts… right?

    Jesus, I though New England had been settled, civilized and self-governed for long enough that this kind of thing was rare. But people are the same everywhere, 10% assholes and half of those uncontrolled monsters. Like Trump w/o money or minders.

  102. 102.

    Peale

    @Suffragete City elftx: reminds me of the poll that a talking mouse was on about on msnbc today. After reminding us that the reason the email “scandal” continued to be news was due to Hillary herself, we were told that a poll showed that a majority of Americans (52%) shared Donald Trump’s view that the country is experiencing a moment of crisis. Would have been helpful for her to review the cross tabs. my guess is that the largest share of those are people who find that Donald himself is that crisis.

  103. 103.

    divF

    @Major Major Major Major: Ah, yes.

    I took fencing for a couple of quarters as an undergrad at Berkeley. The instructor for the course had been the Hungarian national champion between the wars, and taught theatrical fencing / stage combat. Quite a personality, and a superb hand and eye, even in his 60’s.

  110. 110.

    ?BillinGlendaleCA

    @piratedan: That was funny, except you somehow included the reply button in the link. When I tried to reply it brought up the link.

  113. 113.

    lizzie

    @hilzoy: My cat once brought me a live mouse. While I was in bed sleeping. I guess he thought it was time for drastic measures.

  116. 116.

    Patricia Kayden

    @shomi: You sound like Cesar Millan of Dog Whisperer fame. I completely understand John’s practice of treating his pets like his kids. I do the same since I have no kids. My dogs are my babies and are treated accordingly. Alpha-ness be damned.

  117. 117.

    Singing Truth to Power

    Two words: squirt bottle. Give one warning. If no positive response, squirt without making eye contact or issuing any further warnings. After several repetitions, shaking the squirt bottle should be enough to get a response.

    Boy, Steve is giving you the stink eye –

  118. 118.

    Aleta

    By the way, John, your approach to doing a ‘house restoration’ by starting with the dog is a thing of wonder.

    The only useless remark I can offer about rewiring is: if you think you might someday move the stove (or drier or refrigerator) to a different spot, consider getting an extra outlet put in place when the electrician is there the 1st time. Saves money later.

  119. 119.

    Aleta

    Re the alpha thing: Some say that the alpha theory came from an early wolf researcher who only looked at wolves in captivity, under stress. Perhaps the theory caught on with humans because dominance is familiar to our species, and is how some of us operate.

    I heard a great lecture about wolves by a researcher in the Arctic. He spoke of how, even in a climate where the energy from every bit of food found has to be spent on survival (finding the next food), the wolves have play periods when the hierarchy, especially the role of the leader, is dropped. Therefore, he suggested, this flexibility wrt dominance must also be critical for survival, even in the harshest of environments. Perhaps dogs’ and cats’ actions are more about social survival than we realize.

  121. 121.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @ArchTeryx: FYWP being very FY this morning, I suppose. Perhaps you used one of the magic words without using HTML to break it up and fool the spam filter? You know, like Casino with the em tag embedded within?

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