“Ah! Well, nevertheless,” remains undefeated, it seems.
From over here it feels like something has snapped between me and the home country. I’m now a small craft adrift from the big boat. More numb than grieving so far. The big, immediate anxiety for me is financial: I rely on US-based clients, and higher tax and a weaker dollar could leave me unable to meet bills over here even if I keep all of them. I’m already looking for more UK-based work and talking to an immigration lawyer about naturalization.
I’m worried about my trans relatives, about my parents’ healthcare, about my in-laws and other loved ones who are green card holders or recently naturalized Americans — Stephen Miller has made it clear he wants an office of denaturalization. I’m worried about my daughter’s US citizenship rights and mine, and so much more besides.
I hate “self-care” talk — nowadays it smacks of influencers and elaborate bubble baths and related bullshit. But I’ve been reminding myself all day to complete basic tasks, so I’ll share those reminders with you:
- Take care of your food and hydration
- Rest – if not able to sleep, read something simple and distracting on paper, away from devices
- Exercise (screaming counts)
- Talk to others who feel the same way
- Clean something in your space, no matter how small
- Look after your pets and your young ones
You really cannot give from an empty cup.
If you are in a dark and completely hopeless place, please follow John’s advice from earlier and call for help.
The LGBT National Hotline: (888) 843-4564
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255
Tell us in the comments, please, one good, non-politics thing you saw today – anything that gave you even a picosecond of relief. Here’s mine: Monty and the current regular stray I’m feeding, Crusty Oliver, seem to be on a foes-to-bros character arc. This morning they were sleeping on the patio table in proximity to one another. This is a photo of them hanging out on my garden shed from the other day:
I’ll get that wily little scruffball to the vet yet.
Chris
This. Doesn’t feel true, but maybe it is, and in either case the pic is always good for a smile.
Barry
In southeast Michigan, the weather is gorgeous.
Rose Judson
@Chris: Definitely smiled. Thank you!
mrmoshpotato
I like this advice.
Chris
@Rose Judson:
Happy it helped!
jackmac
I posted this upstairs/downstairs (on John’s entry on decorum) and it seems more appropriate to repeat here:
I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread over what’s to come. Then I walked downstairs and my dog, Bailey, greeted me by excitedly shaking his butt (he’s an Aussie with no tail) and rolled over for a belly rub.
I obliged, scratched his ears and called him a good boy. He was happy and I also started to feel a little better, reminded of the most important things like family, friends and even fur buddies.
Rose Judson
@jackmac:
OH MY GOD. That must be the cutest damn thing ever. I like a lot of dogs but the only one I love with all my heart is my sister’s Aussie.
WereBear
Needed that laugh.
I got my 15 year old senior cat, Sir Tristan, a dragon hut for his birthday. There’s pictures!
He loves it and will share with his friend Rhiannon. But not not Big Occasionally-Rude Bud Abbott.
Glyph2112
For fuck sake, did 20 million people who voted in 2020 not vote? After 2016 I could kind of see how things aligned for the dipshit to win but I got nothing for this election.
WereBear
@jackmac: My cats were all over me this morning. We had a hugging session.
zhena gogolia
Sorry. Coming up empty.
Josie
I cook when I’m upset. Today I made mayonnaise and homemade harissa. They both came out nicely. Later I’m going to make roasted grape crostata. Sounds impressive, but it’s basically grapes sprinkled with sugar and wrapped in a pie crust. So good.
Chris
@jackmac:
Yeah, the two puppies downstairs are always the best thing about any day here too.
HeleninEire
Here’s my good news. Turns out a 2 or 3 bedroom house in my favorite neighborhood in Dublin is manageable for me. I had no idea.
Belafon
@Glyph2112: I believe they’re still counting votes in California and other areas.
WereBear
@HeleninEire: And excellent information timing.
Rose Judson
@HeleninEire: That IS good news. Scarce as hen’s teeth in that city.
Old School
One good non-politics thing: I reached out to an old friend I haven’t talked to in a while to make sure she’s doing OK today. We shared some laughs and caught up a bit.
jackmac
@Rose Judson: My Bailey’s wiggle butt is a sight to behold!
jackmac
@WereBear: They know when they are needed, right?
WereBear
They certainly do.
cain
@jackmac: lol, my kitties were having the zoomies and knocking everything around. Crazy kids.
WereBear
Our cats and dogs will pick up on our moods.
We can’t give them a fake smile and get away with it.
WereBear
@Glyph2112: Essentially yes.. last quote was 15 million stayed home.
skerry
I’m currently in the MAGA infested region of central Indiana. I voted via mail in Maryland before my father was unexpectedly hospitalized. Luckily, there is good healthcare here. I’m not sure how long he will need help but I’m here for the duration.
My father was upset that he was unable to vote. First election he’s missed since 1958.
Anne Laurie
For any Jane Austen fans — and what sensible reader isn’t? — Claudia Gray’s “Mr. Darcy & Miss Tilney” YA mysteries (unlike most Austen ‘tributes’) are pretty good distractions!
In the first one (The Murder of Mr. Wickham) twenty-year-old Jonathan Darcy, neurodivergent son of Elizabeth & Fitzwilliam Darcy, and seventeen-year-old Juliet Tilney, daughter of Catherine & Henry, meet each other at a house party where Emma & George Knightley have assembled characters from all six of Austen’s most famous works. Ms. Gray has enough experience as a YA novelist to juggle the various stories, and make clear the distinctions in manners between Austen’s age and ours, within a believable whodunit. The large cast requires enough attention for distraction without demanding anything deeper than diversion.
The Spousal Unit — who’s a fairly recent Austen convert — swiped my copy of the first book & got hooked, too (which I did not expect; he’s much more discriminating about mysteries, much less pastiches). There are three books in the series already, and a fourth due next Spring. From all indications, most library systems should have them available.
Bex
A prayer for today from my favorite Lutheran pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber. Not quite what you might be expecting…https://thecorners.substack.com/p/i-got-nothing-for-you-but-this–shitty
WereBear
Tub people! Epsom salts is very calming. Magic ingredient: magnesium. Relaxing and important mineral.
Not a tub person. Water tension tickles. Then I’m wet. And I can’t read because what if I drop it. And I will. Have to keep fussing with the temperature. And I still need to dry off and put something on before I can relax.
So. Not.
May
Trollhattan
At the adjacent Costco Business Center here in Dead Mall Central where my sad office is planted, discovered yesterday that not only can you buy an entire NZ lamb (frozen), if that’s not what you seek they have added whole NZ goats. $3.39/pound, which I cannot ascertain if representative of goat-flation or not.
Too much? 44 pounds of frozen “chicken paws” can be yours for a trifling $48. Much easier to transport, believe you me.
Chris
@Old School:
Tangent from this. Is there anybody here from the old Sadly, No! blog, and if so, anyone who’s been in touch with Cerberus at all lately?
That blog stopped being a thing late in the Obama years (per a quick check, their last post is still from August 2020), but I’ve occasionally wondered about other people from there and especially worried about Cerb, whose life, as detailed in various front-page posts, was already no bed of roses ten years ago and can’t possibly have gotten better in this climate. I reached out earlier this year by email to check up, and never heard back. Sent a “thinking of you again, please take care of yourself” message again today. Don’t even know if the email still works, but hope it helps at least a little if it does.
HeleninEire
@Rose Judson: Yes. It is one of the reasons I moved back to the US in 2019. Very difficult housing market. But the stock market has been very good to me…THANKS BIDEN…and I’ll be able to swing it. I am mostly doing it for my niece who is LGBTQ; she will be in the cross hairs.
Anne Laurie
@WereBear: Maybe a foot bath with epsom salts?
Also, I believe there are OTC anti-inflammatory gels / creams that contain magnesium — IIRC, people use them for leg cramps & restless leg syndrome…
Joy in FL
My good thing: my two cats are sweet and loving and need their human to keep taking care of them. They are both an anchor and a refuge.
Thanks for this post, Rose. I keep coming back to BJ today. It’s easy to avoid what I can’t/won’t take in today, and there are posts like this and comments that really help.
Omnes Omnibus
I checked in on my 21 y/o niece. She is angry and in disbelief. I let told her that was a reasonable reaction and let her know I was thinking about her today.
Also, I had ice cream for breakfast.
zhena gogolia
@May: That’s a good one.
dm
Maybe this is the wrong thread, but here’s Indivisible’s link for ballot curing for close House and Senate seats:
mobilize.us/indivisible/?q=ballot%20cure
lowtechcyclist
@Anne Laurie:
My Austen-loving sister gave me Sense and Sensibility one year for Christmas. I must admit I was underwhelmed by it. Since this was over 25 years ago, I can’t tell you exactly why.
gratuitous
It’s a sunny, clear day in Portland, and my bicycle commute was uneventful. It was good to get out an move my body; I recommend it if you’re in the doldrums. The fall colors are really striking this year, some trees looking like they’re on fire, the colors are so vibrant. I progressed another level on my current computer game, and my character seems pretty durable. All the statewide races went the right way yesterday, and the trollier Republican candidates all lost.
oldster
Thanks, Rose!
After waking up to possibly the worst news of our 70- something year old lives, my wife and I went for a walk and let each other take turns spiraling.
Then we looked at each other and gave thanks that we have each other, that we can talk, and that we can walk.
That’s all I got.
mrmoshpotato
@WereBear:
If reading something on your phone, put it in a zip lock bag. :) 🛁
Phylllis
I get it. I told my husband at lunchtime that my soul was calling out for a big ole messy cheeseburger and hot, crispy fries, and that he could come with or have his usual lunch at home. He had the fish and chips.
zhena gogolia
@lowtechcyclist: It’s her least successful novel.
frosty
@HeleninEire: Seems like a plan of sorts might come together.
lowtechcyclist
@Barry:
Ditto in southern Maryland – downright balmy. We’ve opened up the house, here on the 6th of November.
lowtechcyclist
@zhena gogolia:
My sister obviously didn’t think so; I’m sure she hoped to get me hooked on Austen.
AM in NC
I volunteered at the local elementary school this morning, and the first graders were learning about and practicing fact vs. opinion.
People are not born MAGA, so there is hope.
mrmoshpotato
@Trollhattan:
What’s the average weight of an entire frozen goat or lamb?
Chicken feet?
narya
I’m working (intermittently) on my needlework, and feeling glad I’d started the piece. It’s a tiny bit of positivity, one stitch at a time, which is what I have right now. Gonna cook and bake this weekend.
Layer8Problem
@lowtechcyclist: Try Ink and Incapability. Samuel Johnson shows up!
Trollhattan
We’re lookin’ at the mid-teens in kilos.
They’re boxed and your guess is as good as mine. 20 kg is quite the investment to find out. Coincidentally, across the parking lot is “Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers”, a name that really bothers me as chickens lack fingers of any kind.
Raising Cane’s Chicken Paws sounds amazing.
Splitting Image
@lowtechcyclist:
It was her first published novel and she hadn’t quite hit her stride yet. The second one (Pride and Prejudice) was a grand slam.
Also, Austen’s novels can all seem underwhelming because they have been imitated so many times they seem familiar even when you read them the first time. I felt that way watching Casablanca. (“Oh, here comes that scene!”)
Belafon
@Anne Laurie: Pride & Prejudice is one of my three favorite novels.
WereBear
@Chris: I did enjoy that blog, but have not been back.
Anne Laurie
I got hooked on Austen in high school, when I complained to my English-teacher mother that all my classmates were mysteriously fascinated with Harlequin romances, and she gave me a copy of Northanger Abbey (which is, of course, a parody of then-fashionable ‘gothick novels’).
I finally got the Spousal Unit hooked by giving him a copy of Persuasion, which might be the best introduction for those of us who’ve been around the block once or seventeen times — it’s about surviving one’s bad youthful choices, and making a better life in the aftermath.
WereBear
@Anne Laurie: I get my magnesium in the form of the proper spoonful of magnesium citrate. And it IS calming.
mrmoshpotato
@Trollhattan:
That’s a whole lotta lamb or goat. (But not for a T Rex.)
I see. I’m not a fan because I think their chicken is underseasoned and undercooked. (It’s breaded, deep fried chicken strips.)
And actually toast your goddamned Texas toast for fuck’s sake!
HeleninEire
@frosty: The plan is as follows:
1. Get her out ASAP. She has her citizenship papers request in but they have been stuck in limbo for more than a year. I am trying to determine if I can sponsor her or if there is visa she can get while awaiting her papers. If not then she can relatively easily get a one year student visa.
2. While I look for a house she can live with some friends of mine.
3. I will remain in the US until my Dad passes. He was so freaked out about the result and his first thought was that I was going to immediately leave. I assured him I’d be here as long as he needs me.
4. When he passes I am, once again, outta here.
Avalune
I tend to be terribly reluctant to practice “gratitude” largely for the reasons Rose hinted at with influencers and bubble baths I guess. It’s quite a struggle today particularly. There was a moment where two squirrels were facing each other at some paces, both sat back on their haunches, squaring off like they were at the O.K Nut Corral defending someone’s honor. That’s as good as it gets atm.
I’m probably going to wallow in self-pity, distract myself with Dragon Age, and then just absolutely pour myself into knitting/drawing. I don’t think I have the bandwidth to read. I’m pretty sure the only TV for the indeterminable future will be just specific shows I enjoy with all commercials muted and absolutely nothing resembling news. I don’t even want to do social media of any kind because it feels like being a frog in a pot that’s working on a boil – just keep sitting there doomscrolling at the sanctioned things we fished up for you to look at little sheepie, gooooood girl. Not to mention using it feels like putting yourself on a fucking hit list at this point.
I’ve been trying to put things into words all day and I just don’t wanna anymore.
The Audacity of Krope
Perhaps Comey never mattered and there is, in fact, a precise misogyny dividing line in the electoral college.
Anne Laurie
@oldster: Upvote!
Spousal Unit & I are *particularly* glad to have each other, today.
rivers
Today is Wednesday which means it’s the day I always meet with four other women (our ages range from 95 to 77) in a group formed in 2016 on a day much like today. We started with the desire to take action and became over the years an incredible friendship and support group. We’ve met every Wednesday for 8 years and wow was I happy that today was one of those days. We sat outside (79 degrees today) at a cafe and hugged and shared our grief and also laughed, as we always manage to do.
Rose Judson
So many lovely things to read in this thread, thank you. It’s 9 PM here and this is the hardest time of night for me, as a single lady, when The Child is at her Dad’s for the week. Really wish I had someone to hug right now, but your comments help.
Danielx
@Chris:
I’d like to know. Loved that site.
bbleh
This may count as both a Good Thing What Happened and a suggestion.
I live in Philadelphia, where Bad Things Happen, so I’m surrounded by a multidimensional mix of people: races, nationalities, ages, income and education levels, sexual identities, etc. (Which is kind of inevitable, which is certainly a major reason cities trend blue, but I digress.) And I try — actively try — to maintain a smile (mostly), and to just be NICE in small ways — hold doors, say howya doin’ (and LISTEN to the reply), help people who need a little assistance, etc. And I routinely get it back, like nice smiles and thank-yous and other responses and so on — all the Small-Town Virtues we hear so VERY much about (except with total strangers who mostly don’t look like me). And there is a CLEAR subtext today of “yeah, it sucks, me too, and thank you” with more than a dash of “we WILL survive.”
So that is a Good Thing, and my suggestion is, manifest this, wherever you are. Don’t turn inward. Our numbers and our diversity are our strength.
[ / lecture ]
Quinerly
Harris speaking.
Betty Cracker
I baked a tasty quiche with Monterey and Colby cheeses!
Wapiti
My crow neighbors (Gimpy, Not-Gimpy, and Gimpy Junior) came by and let me know they were there. I pass them about 1/4c or 1/3c of roasted cashews. I think they like the cashews because the curvy nutmeats allow them to gather up 3 or 4 and fly off to hide them.
I asked if any of them had bird flu symptoms, but they weren’t saying.
Chris
@Danielx:
Me too. It’s probably still my favorite blog I’ve ever been on, though that might be a “you never forget your first” thing. Wish I’d made extra-blog contact with some of the people there so I could’ve stayed in touch.
Trollhattan
Anecdata from “blue” Sacramento County, CA. Friend who works the polls every election, so plenty of time spent there.
SiubhanDuinne
I’ve been too stunned and irate and disbelieving since last night to even cry — until now, watching Kamala delivering her concession speech. Dignified, determined.
The faces of all those young women supporters are just chewing me up, and the tears are flowing. But the speech is truly inspiring
She is truly inspiring.
Trollhattan
@mrmoshpotato:
“What is this ‘toast’ of which you speak?”
“It’s, uh, right there, on the menu.”
“Oh I see, that’s supposed to say Texas Taste, as in Texans have good taste.”
UncleEbeneezer
@Anne Laurie: This! Me and my wife spent a good half hour just talking, hugging, crying, ranting etc. It helps, but only a little.
SomeRandomGuy
It really doesn’t. I mean, if you *need* to scream, do it, let it go, unashamedly. But it doesn’t tend to help, and it really doesn’t count as exercise. You want to exercise, chant in your best parade ground voice. HOW DOES DUMMY DONNY BOY DESERVE TO DIE? NOT A BOB-FOR-APPLES BUT FOR FRENCH FRIES!
Yeah, lame, you try to come up with something better with neuro symptoms blowing half your head off. You COULD add a syllable to the call, or the refrain, to try to clean up the rhythm, if’n you were going to be HELPFUL and not all CRITICAL.
Where was I?
Most of the rest of the tips were spot on. Talking to someone tends to help more than most folks consciously realize, because it’s what helps you process your own emotions, while exploring them. It also gets the shock over – and that’s one of the more dangerous variables. Even if you’re not someone who normally talks, consider finding a sympathetic ear. Trust me – I can’t talk things out, language processing kicks out too early. So who knows better than the guy who doesn’t normally talk, who knows what it was like before, and after, he couldn’t? That doesn’t mean my advice is right for you – it just means, I might have more of a point than you think. Also: I’m surprisingly good at not dying, which is behavior I hope you’re trying to emulate, if not the methods.
Food and hydration are also important, as you mentioned, especially if you’re too uptight to notice you’re hungry, and don’t really have an appetite. Without good fuel, your brain can spin into doomcycles that much easier.
Finally: when your resources are drained, your emotions get more wonky, because all the energies you have that let you push past ’em aren’t showing up to work today, so, be careful with your emotions, try to be kind to yourself and others (and try to apologize, when you can’t be careful enough, because, hey, no resources).
Wow. The footnote seemed more important when it was a much shorter response.
[1]Now you hopefully know why I hate lists, numbered and un-. No disrespect to your post, I didn’t say it was *bad*, I just said that I hate lists. ME. You know how cranky I am.
[2] I’ve seen people helping people – it’s not enough, and it’s not much, but, when your fire is too small for bounteous light and heat, huddle people closer to it, to cherish what still remains,
WereBear
Wonderful. People in cities are caring, too.
CTlurker
I bought a mystery at an independent book store, where everyone on staff was commiserating with each other. We aren’t alone. I also made a pot of spaghetti.
WereBear
Best to all. Must bail.
UncleEbeneezer
@bbleh: Agreed. My big dilemma is my work where I try not to get into politics at all because I don’t want to have to deal with complaints to my boss by conservative parents of my tennis students. I like being social and getting to know my students (kids AND adults) and it always feels weird to draw a line at a topic that is so important to me.
UncleEbeneezer
@SomeRandomGuy: Meh, I’m usually hesitant to grunt when I hit (tennis balls) to the point that it actually hurts my game because I hold my breath. Tonight I think I may be extra loud and downright violent with my shots…
CarolPW
@Anne Laurie: Absolutely. My ex and I had dinner together last night watching returns and bagged it pretty early because it was clear no joy was coming. Having dinner together again tonight to commiserate. We can’t live together but in our red area the conversations are essential for our sanity.
Kayla Rudbek
@SomeRandomGuy: I went looking for the litanies to Sekhmet and I should see if I can memorize some of Her names (Lady of Light, The One Before Whom Evil Trembles, Avenger of Wrongs, The Wrath of Justice, Queen of Warriors are some good ones). I noted down four different litanies on my Dreamwidth page. (Lapsed Catholic here, goddess worship makes so much emotional sense).
Jeffg166
@bbleh:
In Philadelphia if you need help on the street it usually shows up. It does have that small town vibe.
It was 80° in Philadelphia today I open the house up to let the heat in and air it out.
SomeRandomGuy
@Jeffg166: I’ve heard the same is true in New York City, though, they’ll be telling you what a dumbass you were to screw up like you did. I’ve been there – seemed about right.
I wonder if sometimes people mistake the need to maintain distance from people (when you’re constantly going through crowds) for unfriendliness. You can’t really *see* that many people as people – it takes up energy, though not so much that those of you without CFS are likely to notice. But there’s still the fundamental human connection – it just has to be expressed differently.
Darkrose
@Kayla Rudbek: Thanks for sharing these! Also added you to my DW circle. May be spending more time there for as long as Denise can keep the lights on.
Kayla Rudbek
@Darkrose: you’re welcome! Glad these helped!
someguy
I’m an American who lives abroad. I’m the only American, but my colleagues were all gutted by the election, as they feel it will negatively impact their home countries. They also are fond of some Americans.
A few weeks ago someone gave me a capybara shaped stress ball. I took it home because my students were going to squeeze it to death. Today I came to work and my blackboard had a number of capybaras drawn on it, with some giving encouraging messages. Most were erased, but one remains asking where we go now, which is helpful in my geography lesson on maps and makes me think Guns n Roses woul sound better with a capybara singing
tommyspoon
After a night of fitful sleep, that included weeping and holding my GF close, I got up and wrote almost a thousand words for my novel in progress. Felt good.
I have no wisdom to offer, but if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me.
Gloria DryGarden
@tommyspoon: fantastic, all that writing! Use the grief like an apple press, and gather all the words pouring out as you feel pressed down.
Gloria DryGarden
@Kayla Rudbek: I need all your goddess worship links and leads. Isn’t sekhmet the healer one, part cat? This list of her other names is so soothing. Hook me up. Please. Like you goddesses make more sense.
ever since I read eric Fromm “the art of loving “ his chapter on love of god, as a woman, just clicked for me.
Starfish
@Glyph2112: Someone explained it as a COVID effect on 2020 votes,. A lot of college kids were at home with their families and voted with them. There were also a lot of absentee options available due to the pandemic.
Msb
@HeleninEire: there’s a nice, active American Women’s Club in Dublin.
Msb
A friend called to share her shock. Another, texted & asked me if Zi was OK. She called from another country when I wrote back, No.
A 3rd friend brought pizza over to me – had not eaten til then.
I make jewelry that I sell for charity – made 55 more pairs of earrings & sorted them for sale preparation.
(thanks for this thread and the company!)
Weekend Editor
Personally, I’m finding it hard to get past the fear and despair.
Maybe time will help. But right now it’s just hard to engage with the news at all.