Life is so unfair.
I write a compelling first-person report about my experience with Barack Obama and his lizardly plans to take over the world, and people think I’m joking.
Janet Porter gets huffed up on spray paint one weekend back in early 2009 and claims that Obama is a communist plant plucked directly from The Manchurian Candidate or Salt, and she still gets to whisper sweet nothings in Mike Huckabee’s ear.
Brace yourself for what I’m about to say next. Last fall, prior to the presidential election, a friend of mine, Dr. Wiley Drake, former second vice president for the Southern Baptist Convention, sent me an e-mail on which I didn’t report. It just seemed too extreme. It was from a software developer he met named Tom Fife who told of how he first heard of the name “Barack.” I can’t prove whether it’s true or not, but in light of all that is happening, it just doesn’t seem that far-fetched anymore.
Of course the difference may be that I’m a fictional 92 year old with impulse control issues and an obsession with bodily functions, whereas Janet Porter is as mad as a fucking meat axe.
From Fife’s original post on American Free Press:
“What if I told you that you will have a black president very soon and he will be a Communist?”
The out-of-the-blue remark was met by our stares. She continued, “Well, you will; and he will be a Communist.”
It was then that the husband unsuccessfully tried to change the subject; but she was on a roll and would have nothing of it. One of us asked, “It sounds like you know something we don’t know.”
“Yes, it is true. This is not some idle talk. He is already born, and he is educated and being groomed to be president right now. You will be impressed to know that he has gone to the best schools of presidents. He is what you call ‘Ivy League.’ You don’t believe me, but he is real and I even know his name. His name is Barack. His mother is white and American and his father is black from Africa. That’s right, a chocolate baby! And he’s going to be your president.”
She became more and more smug as she presented her stream of detailed knowledge and predictions so matter-of-factly – as though all were foregone conclusions. “It’s all been thought out. His father is not an American black, so he won’t have that social slave stigma. He is intelligent and he is half white and has been raised from the cradle to be an atheist and a Communist. He’s gone to the finest schools. He is being guided every step of the way and he will be irresistible to America.”
H/t: Tim Murphy at Mother Jones via Ed Brayton at Scienceblogs via gocart mozart at Sadly No!
Yutsano
To quote the greatest bat evah:
Valdivia
Sarah–why are you up so late? Have you been baking again and getting into trouble at Shady Pines?
ETA–that Fife thing is surreal.
Yutsano
@Valdivia: It’s my fault. I whined and she promised me cookies. But I have to drive over to get them.
Cliff
whereas Janet Porter is as mad as a fucking meat axe
Dear Sarah,
Stop hogging all the awesome phrases. The rest of us slobs need some too.
Thanks,
Cliff
Valdivia
@Yutsano:
umm, if I remember correctly every time Sarah bakes someone ‘accidentally’ gets sick so if I were you I would skip the drive ;)
Not to cast aspersions or anything, I always thought her cooking always had a good cause!
and how are you doing? I’m suffering from insomnia…
Yutsano
@Valdivia: I’m slowly waiting to get to pass out mode, seriously contemplating a bowl of cereal, and currently enjoying the immense pleasure of agave syrup in iced tea. If you’ve never tried it do. Although I risk showing a possible cultural ignorance here. :)
Oh and I really really really wanna go somewhere exotic after they put in the bionic parts. Any thoughts?
@Sarah Proud and Tall: It’s definitely safer than the back alleys of Spokane. Trust me.
Sarah Proud and Tall
I only sleep about four hours a night, dear, and I do that with one eye open just in case Death or Lynne Cheney come sneaking into my room.
When I’m not working on my memoirs or baking orange cakes, I spend a lot of time trolling the internet for nutcases.
Valdivia
@Yutsano:
exotic as in tropical?
I would recommend Costa Rica–always beautiful and fun.
Or maybe even Panama which is pretty in as a destination and they have a bunch of interesting tours and developments within the jungles. when is the bionic transformation happening?
I’ll probably try and read and that might help me pass out too :)
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Valdivia:
I’m a great cook. I’ve never made a cake that wouldn’t make Martha Stewart cry with envy.
And probably crap herself, come to think of it.
Yutsano would always get one of my non-special cakes.
Comrade Mary
I can’t see how you confuse the two. One strikes terror in every mortal’s soul. The other one SPEAKS IN CAPS and has a pretty horse named Binky.
Yutsano
@Valdivia: I’m debating that. Work rules say I can’t put in for FMLA until at least one year and that’s in September. And I decided leave banking isn’t worth the hassle so instead I’m just gonna survive on savings until I’m back at work. So really whenever the finances and the leave can work out it’ll get done. And it might get spread out over two years. Plus FH #1 will be quite put out if I don’t at least consider Oz. And I do admit going south of the equator does have a certain appeal.
Valdivia
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
I had always assumed that your ‘special’ cakes had to taste fantastic to have their desired effect camouflaged through taste. And every story you’ve told about your use of them seemed highly justified to me, I, in fact, have a list of candidates for your special cooking :)
Valdivia
@Yutsano:
if and when you decide you are ready for the trip let me know. I can hook you up in both places!
Warren Terra
Hey, one of the advertisers (the least obviously crooked) at that nutball site you linked is the publisher of “the only authorized book out there containing the complete writings and speeches of former U.S. Senator and presidential candidate Mike Gravel.” And if that alone isn’t enough to sell you on the book, it includes an index and foreword by Lynne Gravel! Who does terrific indices!
soonergrunt
@Comrade Mary:
There. FIFY.
soonergrunt
This Saturday is supposed to be the Rapture. I know, I know, we’ve been through this multiple times, but now that we have Facebook, we can organize Post-Rapture Looting events.
Come see. It’s one of the funniest threads I’ve seen in a while.
asiangrrlMN
You know, I thought you were making that shit up in your own inimitable way, so I clicked on the link. You owe me chocolate scones.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Yutsano: “It’s definitely safer than the back alleys of Spokane. Trust me.”
Damn straight that. I used to hang out in the alley between Dean and Gardner Streets, bordered by Lindeke and Cochran Streets.
Tough place to be in the 70’s, probably tougher now. At least it was paved.
DEATH
@soonergrunt
THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR YOU
Yutsano
@Odie Hugh Manatee: My cousins grew up there. How they both turned out semi-normal is beyond me. I’m sure my uncle’s guide dog had something to do with it.
Yutsano
OT: ABL’s gerbils have gone Galt.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@asiangrrlMN:
Dammit. I forgot to put the Rare Sincerity tag on there.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@soonergrunt:
I think this blog may need a countdown timer for the big moment.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Yutsano:
My wife and I were so happy to get the fuck out of that town back in ’92. The cops are corrupt as hell, the local government flat out sucks and many of the people are generally conservative assholes. It’s a beautiful area that is totally fucked up by many of the people who live there. Every once in a while I ask the wife “Do you miss Spokane?” to which I get an emphatic “FUCK NO!”.
We left a lot of family behind so we end up going back to visit them every year or two. It’s also good for a reminder as to why we hate that fucking place (not the family visits but rather just driving through that hell hole and remembering the shit we had to live through).
asiangrrlMN
@Sarah Proud and Tall: It’s really hard to tell parody from reality with the ‘wingers, isn’t it?
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Yutsano:
Is that a euphemism?
Yutsano
@Sarah Proud and Tall: In this case no. I think her blog was just overloaded. Right after I typed and sent that it came back on. I think ABL is subtly mocking me…
Yutsano
@Odie Hugh Manatee: I only have one cousin left there now. The rest of my family that lived there either died or bolted. And I’m leaning on the cousin to get the fuck outta there. So is his brother. Of course going to OHSU expands the brain a wee bit. :)
Odie Hugh Manatee
I discovered Oregon by going on a trip with friends to Cannon Beach, where one of the guy’s parents had a small summer home. I fell in love with the coast and made it a regular summer trip, introducing the wife to it after we got married. Five years after tying the knot in Spokane we moved to Brookings and have not regretted it one bit.
Though I could do without seeing the bottled water in the local store that is labeled “Duck Water” and “Beaver Water”…lol! The Beaver Water reminds me of the Ren & Stimpy episode about “Beaver Fever”. :)
Yutsano
@Odie Hugh Manatee: QUACK!!
I got into the U of O. I almost went too except the financial aid package wasn’t generous enough. And Corvallis is a fun place to party.
EDIT: this parallels my Stanford experience as well. Though I admit I’ve never partied in Berkeley. :)
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
so, i am guessing, that sunday morning, there will be a lot of preachers up there, just sort of winging it. i mean, no sense in preparing, right?
might be a show worth seeing, of course, after tailgating in the parking lot.
Warren Terra
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
Your local store has been had! While the beaver water is remotely plausible, however unlikely (not to mention undesirable), ducks, like all birds, cannot make water.
DPirate
Padding the old resume, I guess.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Yutsano:
Corvallis is a nice town, as are most of the towns in Oregon. The wife and I love to hop on the motorcycle and travel the state every summer. We’re planning a trip to Seven Feathers Cas-ino (remembered the WP filter!) in Canyonville on June 3rd to see Kathleen Madigan in concert there, then off for a few days of putzing around the state, taking the long way home. We also like to hit the Mill Cas-ino in Coos Bay on Wednesdays to see minor comics perform, get blasted and enjoy the amenities.
Neither of us gam-ble but do like the amenities that Cas-inos have to offer. We’re also planning a trip to the lava beds in eastern Oregon, staying in French Glen. We’ve stayed at a place by Cave Junction that has rooms in the trees. Yes, the trees! It was freaking cool and we plan on doing it again.
@Warren Terra:
Hmmm, maybe they filter it? ;) Either way, you couldn’t pay me to buy either…lol!
stuckinred
@Odie Hugh Manatee: I thought you were in Florida!
alwhite
This is amazing! I got a very similar email back in 1998. The author warned me that there was a group that had sewn ears on an asshole in Connecticut & managed to get it into the schools for Presidents.
He warned me that this asshole had been moved to Texas and had been groomed to take over and destroy America. It was going to spend all its time on vacation or sleeping through meetings in the Oval Office. I didn’t tell anyone at the time because it was so unbelievable I knew nobody would believe me.
It was all worked out in advance. Its ‘father’ was a patrician millionaire so as to remove the stigma of being middle class. It was raised from the cradle to believe it was superior to all other life. Thats right, a privileged asshole was going to be our next President.
He had it on the highest authority that the asshole had been trained at the school for Presidents to allow the worst attack on American soil in history, use that as a pretense to start an unnecessary and unwinable war, gut American infrastructure and collapse the economy.
TomG
soonergrunt, you obviously haven’t read too many Terry Pratchett books. That’s fine, but you should get started on that, you’re missing out. And don’t JUST read the ones with Death in them. The others are quite funny as well.
Joseph Nobles
Oh, man, speaking of someone to run the Pentagon Stupidity Division, Schwartzenegger fathered a child with a longtime member of his household staff.
Ten years ago, before he became governor.
The woman just retired after 20 years of service to the family.
Maria just found out about all of this at the beginning of the year.
Arnold thinks they can work it out.
Well, maybe he’s too qualified for the Pentagon post.
Southern Beale
Apparently Schwarxenegger had a love child which he told Maria about after leaving the governor’s office, so that explains the frowny faces and the divorce.
Here’s the story from Gawker but apparently it was in the LA Times.
Stuckinred
Girlyman?
MattF
But what’s the trigger phrase? I’d be quite pleased if it was ‘fucking meat axe’.
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
Fuck me – I just sat through a five minute CNN menage-a-trois where Scotty Walker got sandwiched by the two morning girls. The one who isn’t Kiran Chetry was the one who ended up with the facial at the end when she said “are you thinking of running for Senator”?
Goddam it – I can’t get away from it.
stuckinred
LONDON — Famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking finds no room for heaven in his vision of the cosmos.
In an interview published Monday in The Guardian newspaper, the 69-year-old says the human brain is a like a computer that will stop working when its components fail.
He says: “There is no heaven or afterlife for broken-down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.”
Sly
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
There are problems with precision. Given more modern or organizing time that didn’t exist for Bronze Age desert dwellers, there’s really no telling exact moment when the Rapture will occur.
If we assume that the Lord had foreknowledge of the movement of his elect across the world since the days when Christ allegedly walked the Earth, then we can probably assume that the Judgement will begin at precisely 12:00PM GMT, because that is the only time when every spot on the planet exists on the same calendar day. The only alternative would be for God to beam up his true followers in a gradual manner based on the rotational speed of the Earth, in which case any attempt to determine the exact moment becomes pretty much impossible.
I think simultaneous judgement is a practical assumption, but a major point of contention remains: how will our predictions be affected by daylight savings? And not just modern daylight savings, because even ancient Rome adjusted their water clocks forwards and backwards in order to arrange their days around 12 hour cycles of daylight.
But the start of the day could vary between 6:00AM and 9:00AM (in modern terms) and, even more problematic, the actual length of hours ranged between 45 and 75 minutes. If, assuming the Almighty respects the human need to maximize productivity based on solar visibility, what sort of regimen are we to apply? Do we assume that God would use the modern incarnation, or the ancient? Or would He use any form of daylight savings at all?
It’s all really confusing, and more precise instructions should have been included in the manual. Anyway, I’m assuming GMT and no daylight savings, but only because that means it will happen at 6:00AM, so I can sleep through it and wake up to a small percentage of the people I find really annoying have disappeared permanently while the rest of the people I find really annoying are wailing in the streets tearing their hair out.
Good times.
Dan
Wow. If True.
stuckinred
@Sly: Tell me this, how does my Cocker Spaniel KNOW when it’s 4 o’clock and time for her food? She made the time change without missing a beat. Friday at 4 she came up and put her paw on my lap, the Monday after the change. . .like clockwork.
Sly
@stuckinred:
Clearly she is one of the elect. Have her put in a good word for the rest of us with the Management.
stuckinred
@Sly: Give her a cookie and she’ll do ANYTHING!
Comrade Javamanphil
@soonergrunt: Somebody needs to read their Discworld.
@Comrade Mary: SQUEEK!
Nerull
@Sly: Actually, the group behind the latest date is claiming the rapture will be at 6pm local time. Huge earthquakes will start along the pacific rim, exactly following time zone boundaries.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@stuckinred:
Hells no! Spokane was bad enough for us but I’d really hate to live down there.
I refer to it as the pen!s of America. That makes Texas the scrotum. :)
alwhite
DOes anybody know someone that believes they will be taken up on Saturday? My car just blew a head gasket & I can’t afford to repair it. I was hoping to make a deal with one of the “rapture-ies”; sign over your car to me & I’ll take care of you pets when you’re gone. I’d like to pick them up on Friday so they will be out of the way for you.
Kristine
@Comrade Javamanphil: For anyone who enjoys Discworld and other creations of Sir Pterry, there will be a Discworld convention in The People’s Republic of Madison in July. Costuming will be committed, yes, but also panels and parties and appearances by Sir Pterry and other artists and writers.
Fred
“[Did I mention this mancurian candidate will be] communist”
Wow….just wow. The stupid it burns.
Stefan
She became more and more smug as she presented her stream of detailed knowledge and predictions so matter-of-factly – as though all were foregone conclusions. “It’s all been thought out. His father is not an American black, so he won’t have that social slave stigma. He is intelligent and he is half white and has been raised from the cradle to be an atheist and a Communist. He’s gone to the finest schools. He is being guided every step of the way and he will be irresistible to America.”
Because if there’s one thing that’s irresistible to America, it’s a black, atheist, foreign Ivy Leaguer with an odd sounding name.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
So the governator is also the sperminator. Tsk, tsk.
Jewish Steel
1. Stunned double take
2. Now hungry.
Comrade Javamanphil
@Kristine: So jealous. I’d go as CMOT Dibbler.