That’s it. Hot on the heels of Fred Thompson’s early forays into what he seems to consider policy discussions, I’m officially terrified for our future. In order to save election 2008, the United States of America, and one of America’s two major parties, I’m hereby announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Dreadlocks, lesbianism, and all.
I’m a straight, white male and almost tall (5′11″), so I meet the core requirements for a Republican presidential candidate. The awkward fact that I’ve never voted for a Republican for President mustn’t distract us from the fact that I am the only potential Republican nominee who can get respectful links from the liberal blogosphere. I can be a healer!
Piffle. Shamanic’s shameless pandering to the lesbian vote will clearly cost her (?) those gay voters who consider lesbians cliquish and preachy.* As for Henley, I have a full inch in height on his 5’11. Chris Matthews will love me because I have chiseled features, a deep (ish) voice and I smell like a testosterone supplement.
Policy? Please. Giuliani supports policies that Republicans hate and dodges the rest. Fred Thompson rambles through whole stump speeches without staking a position on anything. Mitt Romney has positions, sure, but check his site for updates. Freedom, Security, Peace With Honor, whatever. The important thing is that Bruce Willis respects my scent markings. And that’s why you should choose me for the GOP nomination.
(*) The post was written in an intentionally obtuse voice. Please don’t kill me.