That’s it. Hot on the heels of Fred Thompson’s early forays into what he seems to consider policy discussions, I’m officially terrified for our future. In order to save election 2008, the United States of America, and one of America’s two major parties, I’m hereby announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Dreadlocks, lesbianism, and all.
I’m a straight, white male and almost tall (5′11″), so I meet the core requirements for a Republican presidential candidate. The awkward fact that I’ve never voted for a Republican for President mustn’t distract us from the fact that I am the only potential Republican nominee who can get respectful links from the liberal blogosphere. I can be a healer!
Piffle. Shamanic’s shameless pandering to the lesbian vote will clearly cost her (?) those gay voters who consider lesbians cliquish and preachy.* As for Henley, I have a full inch in height on his 5’11. Chris Matthews will love me because I have chiseled features, a deep (ish) voice and I smell like a testosterone supplement.
Policy? Please. Giuliani supports policies that Republicans hate and dodges the rest. Fred Thompson rambles through whole stump speeches without staking a position on anything. Mitt Romney has positions, sure, but check his site for updates. Freedom, Security, Peace With Honor, whatever. The important thing is that Bruce Willis respects my scent markings. And that’s why you should choose me for the GOP nomination.
(*) The post was written in an intentionally obtuse voice. Please don’t kill me.
ThymeZone
I will change my registration to GOP to vote for you in the primary.
You have at least one vote in Arizona.
Oh, you were kidding? You still have my vote!
As near as I can tell, all the “real” GOP candidates are kidding too.
Punchy
He recently implied that Cuban refugees in SoFla were terrorist-loving suitcase bombers. Just becuase they make DAMN good sandwiches doesn’t make them explosive. So he’s pretty much pissed off the Cuban voters, and I suspect they’ll be some carryover to the other R candidates. This is probably why he doesn’t say anything of substance–diarrhea of the top hole.
By the way, who’d win a fight between John McCant and Fred Thompson for the biggest jowls? Tim, have you the jowl-power to compete?
srv
Well, after a few months of being tortured, an alleged Hezbollah guy captured in Iraq is singing how Iran is behind all the attacks that kill Americans.
Dreggas
Pfffft
I have you beat, I am 6’3″ so I have the height. I have the deep voice, moustache, goatee and shaved head to further project a veneer of manliness and I am well built as well with strong arms that would make the K-Lo’s of the world swoon!
Further I have manly tattoos, not girly ones. Oh and I wear steel toe boots which we all know are good for kicking in the heads of the islmaofascistevildoers.
I hereby declare MY candidacy and pledge to nuke anyone who opposes me.
[ /end snark ]
ThymeZone
Proving once again that torture works.
Dick Cheney and Justice Scalia are right: Jack Bauer knows how to protect America.
srv
Well, after a few months of being tortured, an alleged Hezbollah guy captured in Iraq is singing how Iran is behind all the attacks that kill Americans.
Surely, your candidacy must come out with a strong position on this. Perhaps you could announce building an Iran Wing at Gitmo and say instead of just housing more there, you’d actually start building execution chambers.
srv
I will no longer apologize for B-J’s slow and f’d up submit updates. It is what it is.
Oh, John – have you ever tortured anybody? Imagine if a candidate could reply to Guiliani with “I know Jack Bauer, and Jack Bauer is a friend of mine. And sir, you are no Jack Bauer!”
Tim F.
Of course! This story shows that my new torture policy can potentially nab confessions for every unsolved crime in America. My economic policy is to save bajillions on our prison system by extracting all of the confessions from one guy.
Zifnab
I’d tell you my physical characteristics, my policy positions, or my political affiliation, but it’s all classified information. Needless to say, I can neither confirm nor deny that I am running for President, but I should point out it would be in everyones’ best interests to vote for me.
Dreggas
Feh I will just hire Tom Cruise to be an advisor based on his work in Minority Report and establish Pre-Crime with psychic people attuned to the wavelengths of the islamofascistevildoers so they can determine when it will happen before it happens. No one under my administration will ever be caught on TV saying “No one could have predicted…”
Face
For a guy always demanding anonymity from this website…
It’s now clear that Tim F. is Marilyn Manson.
Fe E
So far, I’m in the lead. 6’4″ tall, I’m a bass (ultra low when I first wake up–it’s pretty much a rumble) my new steel toe boots come complete with metatarsal guards–and did I mention that boots are size 14?
Chris Matthews will swoon at the merest mention of my platter of machismo soaked in a rich creamery butter.
Dreggas
He can’t swoon over you if you’re in gitmo. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Thomas Allen
I’m getting confused over what makes a Republican electable. I used to think it was whether or not people would like to have a beer with him. Now it’s height and pungency of ballsweat?
Tax Analyst
Zif, I love it! You’re the true STEALTH CANDIDATE. You know, I once met a fellow who was planning on running for Governor of California as an unannounced Stealth Candidate…but his luck turned bad…first, his adult daughter told him it wouldn’t work and then he went back on his meds and forgot all about it.
Tax Analyst
You know, I’d throw my hat in the ring, but I read the other day that today’s young people wouldn’t vote for anyone who ever took cocaine, and I’m pretty sure that at one time or another, when I was much, much younger of course, one of those things I stuffed up my nose was coke. I could lie and say it was something else, but they probably wouldn’t approve of that drug either. But on the bright side this makes me available to endorse any and/or all of you, and I’m also available as a campaign consultant or manager.
ThymeZone
Fred “Homer Simpson” Thompson.
What a joke this guy is, and how pathetic that a major party is falling for his act.
ThymeZone
I only tried one such thing, and it was a white powder reported to be coke. Or so I was told by a person whose judgment I can say honestly was as bad as you can imagine.
Anyway, I didn’t inhale. In fact, I still havent inhaled. And I’m turning purple. But anyway, I noticed that the shit had no effect whatever other than stripping my wallet of some money. It was probably baking soda. Or Gold Bond Powder.
Jake
That made me snarf fine American beer out of my fine patrician nose. Then the beer dripped from by brick like chin and fell to the floor. It took a while since I’m a hair shorter than seven feet and most of it splattered on my bulging pectorals.
OK, that’s enough fibbing for one afternoon.
Duh! Just say you spoke to God and He forgave you. Unless you were stuffing things up your nose in the company of a male hooker. For that you need to speak to God and go through a three-week de-gayification programme.
Zifnab
What act? He played a Judge on Law&Order and he gets people to call him “Reagan-esque”. They’re not falling for an act, the 28%ers like Fred Thompson for exactly who he is.
Tax Analyst
Wallet AND sinus membranes – beyond baking soda & Gold Bond Powder I believe Baby Laxative was also one of the main cutting agents employed at the time…oh, boy…huh? Gawd, makes you look back and say WTF was wrong with me?
No male hookers were involved in the above-referenced nose-stuffing exercises. In general, the whole experience was debasing enough without them.
ThymeZone
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.
I just made that up. And as my book publisher said when I submitted that material, “For Christ’s sake, Dickens! Make up your fucking mind!”
Tax Analyst
He mighta hadda point. Me, I’m still not quite sure if procrastination is one of my problems or not. I’ll havta think about it some more.
Jake
Couldn’t resist.
Dreggas
I never snorted anything up my nose. Of course unlike the Clenis I did inhale…often (if you don’t cough you don’t get off). I won’t mention that one weekend with small pieces of square paper that had an odd color to them which resulted in seeing things from various B horror flicks come out of my closet….good times.
grumpy realist
Looks like it’s time for me to drag out Ye Olde Political Campaign Tee-Shirt:
“VOTE for CTHULHU!”
(After all, why vote for one of the lesser evils?)
grumpy realist
But what is everyone’s stance on pot-nibbling deer?
theregister.co.uk/2007/07/02/frisky_deer/print.html
Rome Again
I like the herb myself.
Tax Analyst
I KNEW somebody would come up with that one. I would have been disappointed if no one had.
OK by me as long as they don’t drive, but I probably wouldn’t vote for one as President…except against one of the current Republican candidates (or the current WH occupant).
Krista
I think Herb likes you too. :)
Jake
The thought of those micro-brained, panic-prone maniacs on any sort of mind altering substance makes my skin crawl. As we know, pot is a “gateway drug.” Today it’s pot, but what happens when they move up to X or meth?
ThymeZone
Welp, Bush commutes Libby sentence.
I can’t say any more, it just pissed me off too much.
ThymeZone
Herb is an impossible curmudgeon. He will thank you not to speak nicely of him.
Dreggas
TZ,
Regarding Libby. Yeah, it proves that perjury is only a crime when oral sex is involved. Last I checked the constitution didn’t give the president the ability to commute anyone’s sentence and doing so is to act like the court in changing the verdict. Once again the law is ignored and this country gets another body blow from commander cod-pirece.
ThymeZone
And, who hasn’t said that?
Dreggas
LOL