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You are here: Home / Why I Should Be The GOP Nominee

Why I Should Be The GOP Nominee

by Tim F|  July 2, 200710:48 am| 39 Comments

This post is in: Blogospheric Navel-Gazing, General Stupidity

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Shamanic:

That’s it. Hot on the heels of Fred Thompson’s early forays into what he seems to consider policy discussions, I’m officially terrified for our future. In order to save election 2008, the United States of America, and one of America’s two major parties, I’m hereby announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Dreadlocks, lesbianism, and all.

Jim Henley:

I’m a straight, white male and almost tall (5′11″), so I meet the core requirements for a Republican presidential candidate. The awkward fact that I’ve never voted for a Republican for President mustn’t distract us from the fact that I am the only potential Republican nominee who can get respectful links from the liberal blogosphere. I can be a healer!

Piffle. Shamanic’s shameless pandering to the lesbian vote will clearly cost her (?) those gay voters who consider lesbians cliquish and preachy.* As for Henley, I have a full inch in height on his 5’11. Chris Matthews will love me because I have chiseled features, a deep (ish) voice and I smell like a testosterone supplement.

Policy? Please. Giuliani supports policies that Republicans hate and dodges the rest. Fred Thompson rambles through whole stump speeches without staking a position on anything. Mitt Romney has positions, sure, but check his site for updates. Freedom, Security, Peace With Honor, whatever. The important thing is that Bruce Willis respects my scent markings. And that’s why you should choose me for the GOP nomination.

(*) The post was written in an intentionally obtuse voice. Please don’t kill me.

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39Comments

  1. 1.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 11:10 am

    I will change my registration to GOP to vote for you in the primary.

    You have at least one vote in Arizona.

    Oh, you were kidding? You still have my vote!

    As near as I can tell, all the “real” GOP candidates are kidding too.

  2. 2.

    Punchy

    July 2, 2007 at 11:14 am

    Fred Thompson rambles through whole stump speeches without staking a position on anything.

    He recently implied that Cuban refugees in SoFla were terrorist-loving suitcase bombers. Just becuase they make DAMN good sandwiches doesn’t make them explosive. So he’s pretty much pissed off the Cuban voters, and I suspect they’ll be some carryover to the other R candidates. This is probably why he doesn’t say anything of substance–diarrhea of the top hole.

    By the way, who’d win a fight between John McCant and Fred Thompson for the biggest jowls? Tim, have you the jowl-power to compete?

  3. 3.

    srv

    July 2, 2007 at 11:17 am

    Well, after a few months of being tortured, an alleged Hezbollah guy captured in Iraq is singing how Iran is behind all the attacks that kill Americans.

  4. 4.

    Dreggas

    July 2, 2007 at 11:21 am

    Pfffft

    I have you beat, I am 6’3″ so I have the height. I have the deep voice, moustache, goatee and shaved head to further project a veneer of manliness and I am well built as well with strong arms that would make the K-Lo’s of the world swoon!

    Further I have manly tattoos, not girly ones. Oh and I wear steel toe boots which we all know are good for kicking in the heads of the islmaofascistevildoers.

    I hereby declare MY candidacy and pledge to nuke anyone who opposes me.

    [ /end snark ]

  5. 5.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 11:22 am

    Well, after a few months of being tortured, an alleged Hezbollah guy captured in Iraq is singing how Iran is behind all the attacks that kill Americans.

    Proving once again that torture works.

    Dick Cheney and Justice Scalia are right: Jack Bauer knows how to protect America.

  6. 6.

    srv

    July 2, 2007 at 11:22 am

    Well, after a few months of being tortured, an alleged Hezbollah guy captured in Iraq is singing how Iran is behind all the attacks that kill Americans.

    Surely, your candidacy must come out with a strong position on this. Perhaps you could announce building an Iran Wing at Gitmo and say instead of just housing more there, you’d actually start building execution chambers.

  7. 7.

    srv

    July 2, 2007 at 11:26 am

    I will no longer apologize for B-J’s slow and f’d up submit updates. It is what it is.

    Oh, John – have you ever tortured anybody? Imagine if a candidate could reply to Guiliani with “I know Jack Bauer, and Jack Bauer is a friend of mine. And sir, you are no Jack Bauer!”

  8. 8.

    Tim F.

    July 2, 2007 at 11:28 am

    Surely, your candidacy must come out with a strong position on this.

    Of course! This story shows that my new torture policy can potentially nab confessions for every unsolved crime in America. My economic policy is to save bajillions on our prison system by extracting all of the confessions from one guy.

  9. 9.

    Zifnab

    July 2, 2007 at 11:31 am

    I’d tell you my physical characteristics, my policy positions, or my political affiliation, but it’s all classified information. Needless to say, I can neither confirm nor deny that I am running for President, but I should point out it would be in everyones’ best interests to vote for me.

  10. 10.

    Dreggas

    July 2, 2007 at 11:33 am

    Tim F. Says:

    Surely, your candidacy must come out with a strong position on this.

    Of course! Clearly this story shows that my new torture policy can potentially nab confessions for every unsolved crime in America. My economic policy is to save bajillions on our prison system by extracting all of the confessions from one guy.

    Feh I will just hire Tom Cruise to be an advisor based on his work in Minority Report and establish Pre-Crime with psychic people attuned to the wavelengths of the islamofascistevildoers so they can determine when it will happen before it happens. No one under my administration will ever be caught on TV saying “No one could have predicted…”

  11. 11.

    Face

    July 2, 2007 at 11:52 am

    As for Henley, I have a full inch in height on his 5’11. Chris Matthews will love me because I have chiseled features, a deep (ish) voice and I smell like a testosterone supplement.

    For a guy always demanding anonymity from this website…

    It’s now clear that Tim F. is Marilyn Manson.

  12. 12.

    Fe E

    July 2, 2007 at 11:58 am

    So far, I’m in the lead. 6’4″ tall, I’m a bass (ultra low when I first wake up–it’s pretty much a rumble) my new steel toe boots come complete with metatarsal guards–and did I mention that boots are size 14?

    Chris Matthews will swoon at the merest mention of my platter of machismo soaked in a rich creamery butter.

  13. 13.

    Dreggas

    July 2, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    Fe E Says:

    So far, I’m in the lead. 6’4” tall, I’m a bass (ultra low when I first wake up—it’s pretty much a rumble) my new steel toe boots come complete with metatarsal guards—and did I mention that boots are size 14?

    Chris Matthews will swoon at the merest mention of my platter of machismo soaked in a rich creamery butter

    He can’t swoon over you if you’re in gitmo. BWAHAHAHAHA!

  14. 14.

    Thomas Allen

    July 2, 2007 at 12:25 pm

    I’m getting confused over what makes a Republican electable. I used to think it was whether or not people would like to have a beer with him. Now it’s height and pungency of ballsweat?

  15. 15.

    Tax Analyst

    July 2, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    Zifnab Says:

    I’d tell you my physical characteristics, my policy positions, or my political affiliation, but it’s all classified information. Needless to say, I can neither confirm nor deny that I am running for President, but I should point out it would be in everyones’ best interests to vote for me.

    Zif, I love it! You’re the true STEALTH CANDIDATE. You know, I once met a fellow who was planning on running for Governor of California as an unannounced Stealth Candidate…but his luck turned bad…first, his adult daughter told him it wouldn’t work and then he went back on his meds and forgot all about it.

  16. 16.

    Tax Analyst

    July 2, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    You know, I’d throw my hat in the ring, but I read the other day that today’s young people wouldn’t vote for anyone who ever took cocaine, and I’m pretty sure that at one time or another, when I was much, much younger of course, one of those things I stuffed up my nose was coke. I could lie and say it was something else, but they probably wouldn’t approve of that drug either. But on the bright side this makes me available to endorse any and/or all of you, and I’m also available as a campaign consultant or manager.

  17. 17.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 12:41 pm

    who’d win a fight between John McCant and Fred Thompson for the biggest jowls?

    Fred “Homer Simpson” Thompson.

    What a joke this guy is, and how pathetic that a major party is falling for his act.

  18. 18.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    when I was much, much younger of course, one of those things I stuffed up my nose was coke

    I only tried one such thing, and it was a white powder reported to be coke. Or so I was told by a person whose judgment I can say honestly was as bad as you can imagine.

    Anyway, I didn’t inhale. In fact, I still havent inhaled. And I’m turning purple. But anyway, I noticed that the shit had no effect whatever other than stripping my wallet of some money. It was probably baking soda. Or Gold Bond Powder.

  19. 19.

    Jake

    July 2, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    My economic policy is to save bajillions on our prison system by extracting all of the confessions from one guy.

    That made me snarf fine American beer out of my fine patrician nose. Then the beer dripped from by brick like chin and fell to the floor. It took a while since I’m a hair shorter than seven feet and most of it splattered on my bulging pectorals.

    OK, that’s enough fibbing for one afternoon.

    I could lie and say it was something else, but they probably wouldn’t approve of that drug either.

    Duh! Just say you spoke to God and He forgave you. Unless you were stuffing things up your nose in the company of a male hooker. For that you need to speak to God and go through a three-week de-gayification programme.

  20. 20.

    Zifnab

    July 2, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    Fred “Homer Simpson” Thompson.

    What a joke this guy is, and how pathetic that a major party is falling for his act.

    What act? He played a Judge on Law&Order and he gets people to call him “Reagan-esque”. They’re not falling for an act, the 28%ers like Fred Thompson for exactly who he is.

  21. 21.

    Tax Analyst

    July 2, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    Anyway, I didn’t inhale. In fact, I still havent inhaled. And I’m turning purple. But anyway, I noticed that the shit had no effect whatever other than stripping my wallet of some money. It was probably baking soda. Or Gold Bond Powder.

    Wallet AND sinus membranes – beyond baking soda & Gold Bond Powder I believe Baby Laxative was also one of the main cutting agents employed at the time…oh, boy…huh? Gawd, makes you look back and say WTF was wrong with me?

    Duh! Just say you spoke to God and He forgave you. Unless you were stuffing things up your nose in the company of a male hooker. For that you need to speak to God and go through a three-week de-gayification programme.

    No male hookers were involved in the above-referenced nose-stuffing exercises. In general, the whole experience was debasing enough without them.

  22. 22.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 1:44 pm

    Gawd, makes you look back and say WTF was wrong with me?

    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.

    I just made that up. And as my book publisher said when I submitted that material, “For Christ’s sake, Dickens! Make up your fucking mind!”

  23. 23.

    Tax Analyst

    July 2, 2007 at 1:48 pm

    And as my book publisher said when I submitted that material, “For Christ’s sake, Dickens! Make up your fucking mind!”

    He mighta hadda point. Me, I’m still not quite sure if procrastination is one of my problems or not. I’ll havta think about it some more.

  24. 24.

    Jake

    July 2, 2007 at 1:54 pm

    In general, the whole experience was de free-basing enough without them.

    Couldn’t resist.

  25. 25.

    Dreggas

    July 2, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    I never snorted anything up my nose. Of course unlike the Clenis I did inhale…often (if you don’t cough you don’t get off). I won’t mention that one weekend with small pieces of square paper that had an odd color to them which resulted in seeing things from various B horror flicks come out of my closet….good times.

  26. 26.

    grumpy realist

    July 2, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    Looks like it’s time for me to drag out Ye Olde Political Campaign Tee-Shirt:

    “VOTE for CTHULHU!”

    (After all, why vote for one of the lesser evils?)

  27. 27.

    grumpy realist

    July 2, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    But what is everyone’s stance on pot-nibbling deer?

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/07/02/frisky_deer/print.html

  28. 28.

    Rome Again

    July 2, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    I never snorted anything up my nose. Of course unlike the Clenis I did inhale…often (if you don’t cough you don’t get off). I won’t mention that one weekend with small pieces of square paper that had an odd color to them which resulted in seeing things from various B horror flicks come out of my closet….good times.

    I like the herb myself.

  29. 29.

    Tax Analyst

    July 2, 2007 at 3:30 pm

    Jake Says:

    In general, the whole experience was free-basing enough without them.

    Couldn’t resist

    I KNEW somebody would come up with that one. I would have been disappointed if no one had.

    But what is everyone’s stance on pot-nibbling deer?

    OK by me as long as they don’t drive, but I probably wouldn’t vote for one as President…except against one of the current Republican candidates (or the current WH occupant).

  30. 30.

    Krista

    July 2, 2007 at 4:11 pm

    I like the herb myself

    I think Herb likes you too. :)

  31. 31.

    Jake

    July 2, 2007 at 4:25 pm

    But what is everyone’s stance on pot-nibbling deer?

    The thought of those micro-brained, panic-prone maniacs on any sort of mind altering substance makes my skin crawl. As we know, pot is a “gateway drug.” Today it’s pot, but what happens when they move up to X or meth?

  32. 32.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    Welp, Bush commutes Libby sentence.

    I can’t say any more, it just pissed me off too much.

  33. 33.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    I think Herb likes you too.

    Herb is an impossible curmudgeon. He will thank you not to speak nicely of him.

  34. 34.

    Dreggas

    July 2, 2007 at 5:23 pm

    TZ,

    Regarding Libby. Yeah, it proves that perjury is only a crime when oral sex is involved. Last I checked the constitution didn’t give the president the ability to commute anyone’s sentence and doing so is to act like the court in changing the verdict. Once again the law is ignored and this country gets another body blow from commander cod-pirece.

  35. 35.

    ThymeZone

    July 2, 2007 at 5:31 pm

    Yeah, it proves that perjury is only a crime really enjoyable when oral sex is involved.

    And, who hasn’t said that?

  36. 36.

    Dreggas

    July 2, 2007 at 5:42 pm

    ThymeZone Says:

    Yeah, it proves that perjury is only a crime really enjoyable when oral sex is involved.

    And, who hasn’t said that?

    LOL

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks

  1. University Update - Mitt Romney - Why I Should Be The GOP Nominee says:
    July 2, 2007 at 11:48 am

    […] Wesley Clark Link to Article mitt romney Why I Should Be The GOP Nominee » Posted at Balloon Juice on Monday, July 02, 2007 Shamanic: That’s it. Hot on the heels of Fred Thompson’s early forays into what he seems to consider policy discussions, … staking a position on anything. Mitt Romney has positions, sure, but check his site for updates. Freedom View Entire Article » […]

  2. University Update - Fred Thompson - Why I Should Be The GOP Nominee says:
    July 2, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    […] Wesley Clark Link to Article fred thompson Why I Should Be The GOP Nominee » Posted at Balloon Juice on Monday, July 02, 2007 Shamanic: That’s it. Hot on the heels of Fred Thompson’s early forays into what he seems to consider policy discussions, … hate and dodges the rest like a pro. Fred Thompson rambles through whole stump speeches without View Entire Article » […]

  3. Big Mo § Unqualified Offerings says:
    July 2, 2007 at 8:55 pm

    […] My candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination waxes. I have John McCain on the ropes. Absurdly, liberal blogger Tim F. of Balloon Juice sees my wake and takes it for a vacuum, announcing his own candidacy. Tim doesn’t even have his own blog – he has to use John Cole’s. And let’s face it, I was John Cole like three years before John Cole was. PWND! Plus, Tim F. fails to show the requisite enthusiasm for our President’s decision to pardon Mr. Scooter Libby. On my inauguration, I will rip Patrick Fitzgerald’s still-beating heart from his chest and take my oath of office with my hand resting on it – as will Vice President Libby. […]

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