• Menu
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Before Header

  • About Us
  • Lexicon
  • Contact Us
  • Our Store
  • ↑
  • ↓
  • ←
  • →

Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

Come on, media. you have one job. start doing it.

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

When do the post office & the dmv weigh in on the wuhan virus?

Peak wingnut was a lie.

It’s easy to sit in safety and prescribe what other people should be doing.

Republicans do not pay their debts.

When do we start airlifting the women and children out of Texas?

Red lights blinking on democracy’s dashboard

Republicans seem to think life begins at the candlelight dinner the night before.

In my day, never was longer.

I like you, you’re my kind of trouble.

It may be funny to you motherfucker, but it’s not funny to me.

I didn’t have alien invasion on my 2023 BINGO card.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.

The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

“woke” is the new caravan.

New McCarthy, same old McCarthyism.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Mobile Menu

  • Winnable House Races
  • Donate with Venmo, Zelle & PayPal
  • Site Feedback
  • War in Ukraine
  • Submit Photos to On the Road
  • Politics
  • On The Road
  • Open Threads
  • Topics
  • Balloon Juice 2023 Pet Calendar (coming soon)
  • COVID-19 Coronavirus
  • Authors
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Lexicon
  • Our Store
  • Politics
  • Open Threads
  • War in Ukraine
  • Garden Chats
  • On The Road
  • 2021-22 Fundraising!
You are here: Home / TV & Movies / Movies / More Bad Movies

More Bad Movies

by John Cole|  October 30, 200711:47 am| 93 Comments

This post is in: Movies

FacebookTweetEmail

Not sure if this is a bad one or not, but I caught part of some really weird animated thing on HBO last night called A Scanner Darkly. I only caught a little bit, so I really have no clue whether it is good, but the art was rather odd. It looked like someone had colored video or something.

As to movies that did suck, I thought of another one- The Cat in the Hat. This was so bad it produced a number of scathing reviews that are still fun to read. My favorite:

“They might as well have skipped the hassle of securing licensing rights and simply called this mess Mike Myers: Asshole in Fur.”

FacebookTweetEmail
Previous Post: « E-Mail Gate, Day Three- America Held Hostage
Next Post: Dope Floats »

Reader Interactions

93Comments

  1. 1.

    sal

    October 30, 2007 at 11:53 am

    Scanner was shot live action and then colorized to look like animation. How & why I don’t know. Based, as apparently all science fiction movies the last twenty years are, on a Phillip K. Dick story.

  2. 2.

    rawshark

    October 30, 2007 at 11:53 am

    A Scanner Darkly was a great book. The movie sucked.

    Why did you watch The Cat in the Hat? What were you thinking?

    Few movie suck more than Transformers. Each robot has a demographic satisfying personality. So. Fucking. Sad.

  3. 3.

    michael

    October 30, 2007 at 11:55 am

    In the case of A Scanner Darkly, one should add though that the story stuck much closer to the book-original than is the usual case with Phillip K. Dick-stories. I, for my part, liked it a lot. The technique used is afaik called “rotoscope”.

  4. 4.

    Sam Hutcheson

    October 30, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    Dude. The Transformers rocked. A Scanner Darkly is one of those PKD stories that are basically too paranoid/delusional/schizoid to really translate to a traditional American movie format. That’s why it was rotoscoped and put out there as an art-school type of film.

  5. 5.

    KCinDC

    October 30, 2007 at 12:04 pm

    Digital rotoscoping.

  6. 6.

    zmulls

    October 30, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    Rotoscoping sounds like an uncomfortable medical procedure….

    I enjoyed the book “Through a Scanner Darkly” but haven’t seen the movie yet. I was intrigued by the choice to do it that way — felt like it would work for the material.

  7. 7.

    Jake

    October 30, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    John, are we to assume you enjoy Rotten Tomatoes?

  8. 8.

    rawshark

    October 30, 2007 at 12:08 pm

    Sam Hutcheson Says:

    Dude. The Transformers rocked.

    Dude. Transformers sucked. Go read some of the old comics. They were written for kids yet were far less condescending.

  9. 9.

    Zifnab

    October 30, 2007 at 12:09 pm

    As to movies that did suck, I thought of another one- The Cat in the Hat. This was so bad it produced a number of scathing reviews that are still fun to read.

    Yeah, Cat in the Hat and Grinich Who Stole Christmas were a pair of epically bad flicks. Dr Seuss is rolling over in his grave.

    Dude. The Transformers rocked.

    You know what it could have used? More god damn Transformers! I didn’t get to see Starscream betray Megatron once! That was half the god-damn plot of ever other TV episode!

    Few movie suck more than Transformers. Each robot has a demographic satisfying personality. So. Fucking. Sad.

    Clearly, you were not a big fan of the cartoon, so you can kindly stfu. The personalities matched the old characters respectably well, and the fact that they kept the old Optimus Prime voice wins Michael Bay major kudos points. The special effects were incredible. The computer animation was vivid and flawless. The fight scenes were exciting. And if you ignored the fact that half the script was the word “No” said repeatedly in increasingly higher volume, the other half at least kept me in the story.

  10. 10.

    r€nato

    October 30, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    I didn’t read the book upon which ASD was based, but the digital rotoscoping became rather annoying (to me) after the first hour or so. I’m sorry to say that I paid to see this in the theater. It’s OK to view as a rental or Netflix, and then only if you’re into the genre.

    I can think of far worse films, ASD was merely disappointing.

    BTW speaking of disappointing films, I just watched “Letters from Iwo Jima” the other day. As much as I admire Clint Eastwood as a director (that is, greatly), I found “Letters…” at least a half-hour too long and rather depressing. The first hour or so was interesting, but by 90 minutes in you know that the Japanese are going to slowly run out of all supplies – food, water, manpower, ammo – and they are all doomed to die from either US troops or by their own hand and I found myself wishing they’d just get it over with.

  11. 11.

    dslak

    October 30, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    I thought A Scanner Darkly did a particularly good job of critiquing the War on Drugs, while acknowledging that drugs do, indeed, often destroy people’s lives. Seeing the film made me interested in reading the book.

  12. 12.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    I liked Transformers despite the fact that they didn’t adhere to what each transformer was, vehicle wise as well as name wise.

    I never read A Scanner, Darkly. I did see the movie and thought it wasn’t too bad but then again, I never read the book so that would matter.

    Yes The Cat in the hat sucked. So did The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. Another one of his that sucked ass was The Truman Show.

    Add to that other wonderful titles from the past few years such as:

    Volcano – fun once you get past the stupidity of it all

    Dante’s Peak – ditto in many regards.

    ALIEN: Ressurection – based loosely on the entire ripley saga and one of the books published by Dark horse this movie sucked ass and was nothing short of an attempt to milk the entire ALIEN franchise for a few more bucks. Anyone who watched ALIEN 3 know Ripley landed in a molten metal. Nothing would survive and there’s no way there would be DNA left to make a clone of her and the Queen alien.

  13. 13.

    Toolshed

    October 30, 2007 at 12:13 pm

    Scanner Darkly was pretty good if you ignore the book.

    Linklater, who made that movie, first used the rotoscoping in “Waking Life” which is a severe mental circle jerk if you’re up for it. A lot of topics people go on about are just psuedo-intellectual drivel (i.e. people with Lit and Philosophy degrees trying to talk about science and evolution) but there is some nuggets of thought provoking goodness. Not to mention its just a beautiful piece of work regarless.

  14. 14.

    Walker

    October 30, 2007 at 12:13 pm

    This is the best Cat in the Hat review (cached from a talk forum as the GuideLive article no longer seems to exist).

    The end puts it so aptly:


    The book’s charm is gone
    And so is its grace.
    This Cat in the Hat
    Really stinks up the place.
    This film should not be here.
    It should not be about.
    Nor would it exist
    Without marketing clout.

  15. 15.

    r€nato

    October 30, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    …I should say – to clarify – by the time the Japanese run out of all supplies and all reasonable hope, there’s still a half-hour left in the film and the rest is just a slow-motion, agonizing, depressing coup de grace.

  16. 16.

    Paul L.

    October 30, 2007 at 12:14 pm

    I wonder what John’s opinion of the Wrong Turn movies is.
    I am guessing his opinion would be negative to a movie with implies that remote parts of West Virginia are full of hideously deformed inbred cannibals.

  17. 17.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 12:15 pm

    You know what it could have used? More god damn Transformers! I didn’t get to see Starscream betray Megatron once! That was half the god-damn plot of ever other TV episode!

    Damn right. And the fact that Megatron didn’t get in one single good humiliating dig at star scream was irritating too. Oh and the fact that devastator was not a tank but rather the uber-bot that formed when bone crusher (who was a bull dozer in the cartoon, not a big garbage truck) and the other “destructo-cons” combined.

  18. 18.

    Toolshed

    October 30, 2007 at 12:15 pm

    BTW, I should also metion the obvious fact that both “A Scanner Darkly” and especially “Waking Life” are exponentially better when viewed while treating your glaucoma (*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*) if you’re into that sort of thing.

  19. 19.

    dslak

    October 30, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    Walker’s poem made me think of Lovecraft’s “The Thing That Should not Be.” And that’s got me thinking: When is somebody going to make a decent film based on one of Lovecraft’s stories?

    Or has this happened and I’ve missed it?

  20. 20.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 12:16 pm

    Oh and for the true transformers junkie. You can watch the first two episodes of the cartoon on YouTube.

  21. 21.

    r€nato

    October 30, 2007 at 12:18 pm

    I don’t think anyone has done Lovecraft yet, but I sure hope David Cronenberg gets the nod to direct.

  22. 22.

    Gold Star for Robot Boy

    October 30, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    My favorite movie review came from The New Yorker:

    M:I2 is nfg.

  23. 23.

    Bombadil

    October 30, 2007 at 12:22 pm

    Never been a fan of (or read, for that matter) any Lovecraft, but a quick search of imdb.com yields this.

    Are any of these legit Lovecraft?

  24. 24.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 12:24 pm

    John is clearly not a Dickhead. (Some will doubtless view this as a compliment.)

    Or has this happened and I’ve missed it?

    I think that the best straight effort has been In the Mouth of Madness, with Dagon being in distant second place. For over the top Lovecraft-inspired movies, there are Re-Animator and From Beyond, but I’m not sure they should really count. I’d love to see a good effort, too.

  25. 25.

    zmulls

    October 30, 2007 at 12:27 pm

    The thing that I really liked about “Scanner Darkly” as a book was the ending. It’s an amusing paranoid druggie romp through most of it, but the book ends with the protagonist with his mind pretty much destroyed for the rest of his life because of drug use, and an afterword dedicating the book to many of the author’s friends whose lives were totalled by drugs.

    So for most of it, it read as a celebration of sorts of drug culture, only to pull the rug out from under you at the end. I appreciated that.

  26. 26.

    Zifnab

    October 30, 2007 at 12:27 pm

    I wonder what John’s opinion of the Wrong Turn movies is.
    I am guessing his opinion would be negative to a movie with implies that remote parts of West Virginia are full of hideously deformed inbred cannibals.

    That had absolutely nothing to do with the Duke Lacross Rape Scandal. Good job Pa… oh wait. Are you suggesting that Wrong Turn is falsely accusing West Virginia hillbillies of anal sodomy in a grand liberal conspiracy to defame rich white conservatives?! Damn you Scott Beauchamp!

  27. 27.

    rawshark

    October 30, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    Clearly, you were not a big fan of the cartoon, so you can kindly stfu. The personalities matched the old characters respectably well

    I was a fan of the cartoon.

    The robots just arrived and decided to take on personalities? Why? So it would sell more toys? It’ll sell toys anyway. How do personalities help the mission? Is it possible to sell a car you don’t own? How do you do the paperwork? When bumblebee blew out the windows in all the other cars why wasn’t blood flowing out of Bernie mac’s ears? Or the ears of the other two people standing right there? Is it entertaining for you when you can write the lines the characters are about to say because there isn’t an original thought in the movie? Wasn’t it obvious the girl would think her boyfriend was a jerk and then end up getting a ride from the star in his ‘new’ car? You could probably see that coming when you were in line for the movie but it was a good movie still?
    Clearly you were not a fan of the cartoon or you wouldn’t have thought this was a way to bring Transformers to the screen. You’re probably just satisfied by the loud noises and flashy colors.

  28. 28.

    Zifnab

    October 30, 2007 at 12:29 pm

    Never been a fan of (or read, for that matter) any Lovecraft, but a quick search of imdb.com yields this.

    Are any of these legit Lovecraft?

    Go watch the Evil Dead series. That’s the best Lovecraft I’ve ever seen put on the big screen.

  29. 29.

    dslak

    October 30, 2007 at 12:29 pm

    I knew about Re-Animator, but not the other Lovecraft-based or -inspired films.

  30. 30.

    Zifnab

    October 30, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    You’re probably just satisfied by the loud noises and flashy colors.

    That’s all I can legitimately ask for anymore.

  31. 31.

    Bombadil

    October 30, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Go watch the Evil Dead series. That’s the best Lovecraft I’ve ever seen put on the big screen.

    Didn’t know that was Lovecraft — thanks! “Army of Darkness” is one of my guilty pleasures. I still laugh every time I hear Bruce Campbell say “This is my Boomstick!”

  32. 32.

    srv

    October 30, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    Instead of wasting part of your life watching crappy movies, maybe we should help you out. Some lesser known movies that you might not have seen that are swell:

    – Zero Effect
    – I think you or Tim liked Internal Affairs. If so, you should get the HK originals (Infernal Affairs I & II)
    – Brick. Damn fine movie.
    – Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter (Korean)
    – Traffic, the 2004 series. There’s the British one (with the K done in the 90’s), the US movie, and Soderburg (sp?) made a new series in 2004 that I’m just starting. Looks OK.
    – The great/good Johnny To movies: The Mission, The Exiled, Breaking News, PTU
    – The Lives of Others. You probably heard of that one, but not many have seen it.
    – If you haven’t seen any ‘sophisticated’ anime, Ghost in the Shell. If you were a William Gibson Neuromancer fanboy.
    – Hot Fuzz. A recent fun movie, done by the guy who did Shaun of the Dead.

  33. 33.

    The Other Steve

    October 30, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    I wonder what John’s opinion of the Wrong Turn movies is.
    I am guessing his opinion would be negative to a movie with implies that remote parts of West Virginia are full of hideously deformed inbred cannibals.

    That’s just totally wrong.

    First, everybody knows West Virginia is infested with hideously deformed inbred zombies, not cannibals!

    Second, the fonts and kerning are all wrong.

  34. 34.

    grumpy realist

    October 30, 2007 at 12:47 pm

    Oh, and for guilty pleasures, what about “Dark Star”? (This really dates me.) I still laugh over the Beachball. And the Bomb.

    “…in the beginning there was Me….”

  35. 35.

    Krista

    October 30, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    srv – Hot Fuzz was an absolute riot. I actually fell off of my couch laughing.

  36. 36.

    The Other Steve

    October 30, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    Hot Fuzz. A recent fun movie, done by the guy who did Shaun of the Dead.

    Hot Fuzz kicks ass!

    Shaun of the Dead, not quite so much unless you liked Living Dead zombie movies. Although if you watch this first, you will laugh harder in Hot Fuzz.

    My next car is going to be a bright blue Subaru WRX, with a light bar on top. PUNCH THAT SHIT!

  37. 37.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    Regarding Lovecraft,

    The Evil Dead Series used only one element of Lovecraft’s which was the Necronomicon. Otherwise there’s not much in regard to mainstream hollywood movies that are based on Lovecraft’s work, that being said I haven’t seen “In the mouth of madness” or “Dagon” however it should have been “The Mountains of Madness” which I am still reading.

    Supposedly this past year at the Seattle Film Fest. They showed a new movie called “Call Of Cthulu” that plays on the madness induced by Cthulu and takes place in modern times. When it will be released I have no idea.

    Truthfully nearly all of Lovecraft’s works could make for a helluva set of movies and it would be great to see some come to life.

  38. 38.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    Instead of wasting part of your life watching crappy movies

    My life is fulfilled by watching crappy movies. (Though I do like the good movies mentioned, at least the ones I’ve seen. John Woo fans should like the Infernal Affairs movies.) Crappy horror and sci-fi movies I have recently seen and liked: Altered, The Descent, Slither, District B13, Equlibrium, and The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. (None of these are worthless, and the last is actually a nice parody.)

  39. 39.

    The Other Steve

    October 30, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    Pitch Black and Riddick are probably the two sci-fi films I liked the most recently.

    I found over the years I outgrew scifi. Used to read nothing but scifi and fantasy books as a kid.

    Now I prefer watching action films with guns blazing! Far more mature, I think. ;-)

  40. 40.

    Paul L.

    October 30, 2007 at 1:01 pm

    First, everybody knows West Virginia is infested with hideously deformed inbred zombies, not cannibals!

    What few people realize is that the zombie lord who is in control of this undead horde is
    Robert Byrd

  41. 41.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 1:01 pm

    The Evil Dead Series used only one element of Lovecraft’s which was the Necronomicon.

    That’s what I was thinking, too. The horror in the first two movies is just too up-close and personal to be Lovecraftian, missing the world-eating evil dimension (the Ancient Ones, Elder Gods, Cthulhu himself, etc.)

    Call of Cthulhu? Cool! I’ll have to keep an eye out for it.

  42. 42.

    MNPundit

    October 30, 2007 at 1:02 pm

    The New Yorker review of Nancy Drew was a real gem…

    http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/cinema/2007/06/25/070625crci_cinema_lane?currentPage=2

  43. 43.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 1:02 pm

    Pitch Black and Riddick are probably the two sci-fi films I liked the most recently.

    Vin Diesel at the peak of his acting abilities. (I like these two movies, too.)

  44. 44.

    scarshapedstar

    October 30, 2007 at 1:02 pm

    I liked Scanner.

  45. 45.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 1:04 pm

    For Horror movies that are B and good I recommend:

    Subspecies
    Puppetmaster

    For Sci-fi:

    Scanners
    Altered States

    Now if you want cheese and I mean pure cheese but want to laugh your ass off at a “horror” movie I highly recommend the Brie of the genre: Rawhead Rex. Nothing like a guy in a mask with those silly blinking light eyes and a non-moving mouth as a “demon” who “baptizes” a catholic priest he made into a minion by pissing all over him.

  46. 46.

    John Cole

    October 30, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    I did not know there was a Nancy Drew movie. Is it possible there was something so bad even PR couldn’t raise interest in it?

  47. 47.

    Ned R.

    October 30, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    Guys, don’t get me started on bad movies. My bread and butter still when it comes to cheap laughs. This old piece of mine talks about my favorite eighties cheapie disaster, Vampire on Bikini Beach — it should by no right have existed, yet there it is.

  48. 48.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    Hey How can anyone forget Gigli!

  49. 49.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Now for another camp classic:

    Silent Night Deadly Night

    for bad camp:

    Chopping Mall

  50. 50.

    Sock Puppet of the Great Satan

    October 30, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    “I think that the best straight effort has been In the Mouth of Madness”

    There’s was also a 1966 adaptation of the Lovecraft/Derleth story “the Shuttered Room”, with Oliver Reed, which was halfway decent. It’s not listed in the IMDB search above.

  51. 51.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Some movies are so bad they’re good, and others are so bad they’re really really bad. Not even Mystery Science Theater 3000 could save some bad movies.

  52. 52.

    Sock Puppet of the Great Satan

    October 30, 2007 at 1:19 pm

    More on Lovecraft-y films ere:

    http://www.geocities.com/lovecraftfilmarchive/

  53. 53.

    Sock Puppet of the Great Satan

    October 30, 2007 at 1:23 pm

    Yet more, even an animated version of the “Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath”:

    http://us.imdb.com/keyword/h.p.-lovecraft/

  54. 54.

    r€nato

    October 30, 2007 at 1:37 pm

    Hey How can anyone forget Gigli!

    repeated blows to the skull with a hammer did it for me, and was far less painful than retaining that memory.

  55. 55.

    MBunge

    October 30, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    How in the name G. Glorious Godfrey can there be a discussion of “A Scanner Darkly” without mention of the first on-screen appearance of Winona Rider’s jugs? Somewhere, there’s a happy man with the pre-animation footage.

    Mike

  56. 56.

    Geoduck

    October 30, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Nothing would survive and there’s no way there would be DNA left to make a clone of her and the Queen alien.

    I’m not saying that Alien:Resurrection is a good movie, but I believe they used some of Ripley’s hair; she had her head shaved early in A3.

    As for Lovecraft, making a good movie from one of his works is extremely difficult, because so much of his imagery is literally indescribably. Dagon has already been mentioned as one flick that at least made a good effort. There have been lots of short semi-pro works over the decades that get good reviews; look for the collection The Lurker In The Lobby.

  57. 57.

    Bombadil

    October 30, 2007 at 1:57 pm

    As for Lovecraft, making a good movie from one of his works is extremely difficult, because so much of his imagery is literally indescribably.

    I’ve felt the same about Stephen King’s work, at least his horror stuff. The movies can’t really cover the “horror” and instead go for the scary.

    Case in point — in the novel “Salem’s Lot”, for me the most frightening episode is when the young mother wakes up to sunshine and realizes that her baby never woke her up. She finds the infant tossed to one end of the crib, and unable to fully process what’s happened, sits the dead baby in a high chair and tries to feed it chocolate pudding, growing more and more panicky. The rising horror in that scene grabs me every time, and on each re-reading of the book, I’ve had to close it at that scene and say, “that’s enough for now”. But that kind of horror is nearly impossible to translate to film; it’s just too personal. So you have to resort to having a vampire jump out of the dark, and go for the scary instead.

  58. 58.

    mclaren

    October 30, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    You people think you know bad movies? You’re pikers! You don’t even get to first base for epically bad movies! Check out these masterepieces:

    Werewolves on Wheels (1971) — yes, the first (and only!) Hell’s Angels werewolf biker flick. I’m still waiting for the Hells Angels werewolf action figures, but for some reason they never arrived in K Mart.

    Werewolf In A Girl’s Dormitory (1961) — title says it all! Directed by the great auteur, Paolo Heusch. Never heard of him? This film is the reason.

    Nazi Love Camp 7 (1969) ” Two female Army agents go undercover at a Nazi prison camp to get information from a scientist being held there.” The sole comment on IMDB says “Not worthy of its banned status.” Not worthy of being projected onto a screen either, though.

    Surf Nazis Must Die (1987) The poster for this film features a surfer hanging ten while blazing away with two Mac 10s. Do you need to know more?

    Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (1966) Not even MST3K would touch this one. It satirizes itself.

    Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula (1966) John Carradine plays a southern gentleman called “Count Alucard.” Alucard? Get it? Get it???

    Invasion Of the Bee Girls (1973) Insect women from outer space wearing groovy 70s eyeshades and 1960s beehive hairdos. Because they’re BEE GIRLS. Beehive hairdos! Is that SUBTLE enough for you???

    Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988) Permit me to quote the tagline from the original promo package: WOMEN OF THE NIGHT FALL VICTIM TO AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN CHAINSAW-WORSHIPPING CULT!!!

    The Werewolf Of Washington (1973) A presidential advisor who’s a werewolf goes berserk by the end of the movie and chomps the prez. Hilarious final scene in which the Nixonian president gives a speech explaining nothing is wrong, and then turns into a werewolf on camera. Despite that high point, the rest of the film is so bad it’s almot good. Almost. Almost.

    Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966) This has often gotten the rep as the worst movie ver made, outschlocking even Ed Wood’s disasterpiece “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” But for my money the worst movie of all time is actually…

    Barn Of the Blood Llama (1997) Okay: here is the plot summary. I am not kidding. Inbred hillbillies trap tourists at their World ‘O Wool museum and feed them to death-crazed mutant killer…llamas. This movie features bestiality, brain transplants, and haggis.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

  59. 59.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    Bombadil,

    Thanks for the tip, I will have to look into some of those films.

    mclaren,

    Ok now I have to find those and watch them, they sound like cheese-tacular films.

  60. 60.

    BARRASSO

    October 30, 2007 at 2:14 pm

    Gigli can in fact be fun to watch just add the rifftrax to it. I can’t wait till No Country for Old Men comes out, I used to enjoy horror movies but reality is so much more gruesome besides why rent movies when you can enjoy Battlestar!

  61. 61.

    liberal

    October 30, 2007 at 2:27 pm

    It looked like someone had colored video or something.

    Technique is called “roboscoping.”

    I thought the movie was OK, but I didn’t think it sucked.

    BTW, anyone other than me notice that “Bladerunner” wasn’t all that similar to Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

  62. 62.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 2:27 pm

    I still say everyone has to experience the masterpiece “Chopping Mall” to truly appreciate cheese.

  63. 63.

    liberal

    October 30, 2007 at 2:31 pm

    Hey How can anyone forget Gigli!

    Reminds me of this quote from “Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die”:

    “Many participants wrote ‘shot to death’ in the space provided for comments, probably thinking that it fit in with the gangster characters’ stated realities,” Columbia Pictures director of marketing Peter Zitterman said. “Some comments showed a lot of careful thought, such as ‘point blank through head from right side,’ ‘both at once with single shot from elephant gun,’ and ‘several hundred times, with multiple camera angles showing their bodies jerking as they’re shredded with a heavy hosing of lead, spraying the lens with gobbets of meat and bone and blood, with the sheer number of fist-sized exit wounds obviously precluding any sequel.’ And shootings weren’t the only ideas suggested, believe me.”

  64. 64.

    srv

    October 30, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    BTW, anyone other than me notice that “Bladerunner” wasn’t all that similar

    Wait for the redone ‘Directors Cut’ coming out in Dec. This will be the third or fourth version.

  65. 65.

    Bruce Moomaw

    October 30, 2007 at 2:34 pm

    God, yes. If anyone ever made a movie that actually communicated Philip K. Dick’s ideas, they’d have to declare martial law in every state to deal with the screaming, panic-stricken, drooling mobs. (Also, did anyone notice that in the opening credits for “Total Recall”, they MISSPELLED HIS NAME? Poor Philip.)

    As for “The Cat in the Hat”, the best review I saw of it was in “Slate” (“This movie’s makers deserve to be paraded naked through the streets and spat on.”)

  66. 66.

    MNPundit

    October 30, 2007 at 2:42 pm

    I did not know there was a Nancy Drew movie. Is it possible there was something so bad even PR couldn’t raise interest in it?

    It’s not that it was bad, it’s just that it was so mind numbingly insipid–take the regular limpidness of the Nancy Drew books and combine them with mainstream Disney intrepidness and you’ve got Nancy Drew. Even my 12 year old sister refused to see it–and she likes the Zack and Cody tv show.

  67. 67.

    MNPundit

    October 30, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    Regular Nancy Drew INSIPID-NESS.
    Mainstream Disney INSIPID-NESS.

    This is what I get for using the Firefox spell checker. Good god, it rendered my post unintelligible (occasionally that kind of of thing is noticeable).

    Also “From Justin to Kelly” has got to be near the body of the barrel.

  68. 68.

    r€nato

    October 30, 2007 at 2:58 pm

    Technique is called “roboscoping.”

    close. “Rotoscoping”. (see top of thread).

  69. 69.

    Tom Hilton

    October 30, 2007 at 3:07 pm

    I think that the best straight effort has been In the Mouth of Madness, with Dagon being in distant second place.

    –and–

    I haven’t seen “In the mouth of madness” or “Dagon” however it should have been “The Mountains of Madness” which I am still reading.

    Just to clarify, In the Mouth of Madness is not a Lovecraft adaptation (and has nothing to do with At the Mountains of Madness). It’s sort of meta-Lovecraft–that is, it’s about a horror writer working in a Lovecraftian vein (the writer is also partly inspired by Steven King, though).

  70. 70.

    Tax Analyst

    October 30, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    MNPundit Says:

    The New Yorker review of Nancy Drew was a real gem…

    That’s a great review of the recent “Nancy Drew” movie.

  71. 71.

    Tom Hilton

    October 30, 2007 at 3:14 pm

    Werewolves on Wheels (1971) —yes, the first (and only!) Hell’s Angels werewolf biker flick. I’m still waiting for the Hells Angels werewolf action figures, but for some reason they never arrived in K Mart.

    1971 was a great year for biker horror movies.

  72. 72.

    jcricket

    October 30, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    Cult Classic: Motel Hell. I like the tagline – “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters”. And i like that it’s called Motel Hell because the “O” is burned out in the neon sign for the motel.

    And all the talk of rotoscoping reminded me of another terrible, terrible movie: Cool World. Brad Pitt, Kim Basinger, Gabriel Bryne and a whole mess of Ralph Bakshi animation set to techno music.

    “Army of Darkness” is one of my guilty pleasures. I still laugh every time I hear Bruce Campbell say “This is my Boomstick!”

    Question: How does one reload a shotgun with only one hand?

    Answer: You don’t.

  73. 73.

    fecapult

    October 30, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    Nothing says unintentionally bad like “Twister”, starring the immortal Bill Paxton along with a in-her-prime Helen Hunt. Cary Elwes cameos as the evil corporate storm-chaser scientist (you can tell they’re evil by the black Astrovans they drive).
    Enjoy such classic lines as
    “He can feel the storm! He knows what it’s thinking!”
    and
    “We have cows!”

    And then witness two noobs survive the worst tornado in all history by strapping a belt to a metal bar and holding onto it.

    This movie was so awful, so unintentionally funny, that my brother and I spread the mirth throughout the rather packed theater. Within 20 minutes of us not being able to keep it in any longer, people had stopped grousing at us laughing at lines which weren’t supposed to be funny and were joining into the mirth.

    Quick trivia question –
    Name any film in which Liam Neason plays a role that doesn’t die.

  74. 74.

    Cain

    October 30, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    You know what it could have used? More god damn Transformers! I didn’t get to see Starscream betray Megatron once! That was half the god-damn plot of ever other TV episode!

    Actually he did! If you noticed at the end, Starscream made no move to help Megatron when he got nailed. Starscream stilled pwned the skies at the time. So where the hell did he go? Starscream clearly was out to take control. Someone is going to betray him in the next movie and revive Megatron.

    cain

  75. 75.

    Stooleo

    October 30, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    The one Lovecraft movie that I dont think was mentioned is “From Beyond”, which if I remember had a great scene with Barbra Crampton in a leather teddy. This move also had Jeffery Combs who was in the Re-Animator. I think the Re-Animator has one of the wildest scenes ever. Basically the mad scientist gets decapitated and then after becomiing re-animated, takes his severed head and performs cunilingus on the female corpse on the table. Twisted.

  76. 76.

    malraux

    October 30, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    For those who like Lovecraft, the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society did a pretty good version of Call of Cthulhu as a silent B/W movie. HPLHS They are currently working on a The Whisperer in Darkness. Check their website for trailers and the like.

  77. 77.

    Zifnab

    October 30, 2007 at 3:59 pm

    Actually he did! If you noticed at the end, Starscream made no move to help Megatron when he got nailed. Starscream stilled pwned the skies at the time. So where the hell did he go? Starscream clearly was out to take control. Someone is going to betray him in the next movie and revive Megatron.

    Yeah, that totally doesn’t count for two reasons. 1) All Starscream betrayals must occur on screen with ample opportunity for him to laugh maniacally and 2) All Starscream betrayals must fail pathetically and disgustingly, normally resulting in Starscream getting the living shit kicked out of him by Megatron.

    Honestly, none of the Decepticons got even remotely enough screen time. The god damn FBI shmoe got more lines than the entire Decepticon cast.

    I didn’t mind the rather slow and subtle lead-in, but the moment you start putting Transformers on the screen, I see no reason for you to start taking them off until the credits roll.

  78. 78.

    jcricket

    October 30, 2007 at 4:19 pm

    Quick trivia question – Name any film in which Liam Neason plays a role that doesn’t die.

    Love Actually.

    Darkman.

  79. 79.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 4:37 pm

    I still say everyone has to experience the masterpiece “Chopping Mall” to truly appreciate cheese.

    Also to appreciate the 1980s standard for teenage manliness and feminine beauty. And security-Daleks.

  80. 80.

    JPRICE VINCENZ

    October 30, 2007 at 5:06 pm

    It’s kind of odd that Phillip K. Dick stories are tough to produce visually but many have been made, and some with questionable casting (Arnie, I’m thinking) are still very much watching. I thought that cartoonish quality was an interesting decision to start the movie, but after it persisted, I pegged the movie’s less than satisfying feel on Downey Jr, who, since the addiction began to run deep, has lost his acting ability (see Short Cuts for a comparison), but even his questionable acting wasn’t the real problem. Something was wrong there, but it exceeded the irritating graphic-novel look and the overall lackluster acting, but I’ll bet anyone next year’s world series (since I won this year’s back on April 18, 2007) that it wasn’t the story idea or plotline/character development. Just finished Drawing Restraint, a docu about Matthew Barney–interesting indeed.

  81. 81.

    Breschau

    October 30, 2007 at 5:27 pm

    Quick trivia question – Name any film in which Liam Neason plays a role that doesn’t die

    Rob Roy

  82. 82.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 5:44 pm

    RSA Says:

    I still say everyone has to experience the masterpiece “Chopping Mall” to truly appreciate cheese.

    Also to appreciate the 1980s standard for teenage manliness and feminine beauty. And security-Daleks.

    And appreciate those moral lessons. You know, the ones that say pre-marital sex and drugs will lead to death by killer robots?

  83. 83.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    Cain Says:

    You know what it could have used? More god damn Transformers! I didn’t get to see Starscream betray Megatron once! That was half the god-damn plot of ever other TV episode!

    Actually he did! If you noticed at the end, Starscream made no move to help Megatron when he got nailed. Starscream stilled pwned the skies at the time. So where the hell did he go? Starscream clearly was out to take control. Someone is going to betray him in the next movie and revive Megatron.

    cain

    If you hung around for after the credits, Star Scream took off into space. It’s the latest movie trick, they make you watch the credits to see the real, real ending.

  84. 84.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 5:47 pm

    Regarding Transformers.

    Honestly…The video game ruled.

  85. 85.

    RSA

    October 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm

    And appreciate those moral lessons. You know, the ones that say pre-marital sex and drugs will lead to death by killer robots?

    It sounds as if we see (and like) all the same movies, Dreggas!

  86. 86.

    The Other Steve

    October 30, 2007 at 6:19 pm

    Nothing says unintentionally bad like “Twister”, starring the immortal Bill Paxton along with a in-her-prime Helen Hunt. Cary Elwes cameos as the evil corporate storm-chaser scientist (you can tell they’re evil by the black Astrovans they drive).

    I was living in Ames, Iowa when that movie was filmed. Didn’t see it until years later, and you are right… it sucked.

    It’s so typical of bad hollywood science. Although I didn’t mind Contact so much.

  87. 87.

    The Other Steve

    October 30, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    Transformers movie was pretty bad. I liked the kid and the girl, but the robots and everthing else was poorly done.

  88. 88.

    Dreggas

    October 30, 2007 at 7:37 pm

    RSA Says:

    It sounds as if we see (and like) all the same movies, Dreggas!

    I can’t help myself, when it is just so freaking bad you want to claw your eyes out in horror it’s actually good. I mean they couldn’t even keep their continuity right in that one, complete with the same robot shooting a blue laser one moment and a red one the next. It was a scream of laughter.

  89. 89.

    Fruitbat

    October 30, 2007 at 11:05 pm

    I realize that this concept has been hinted at and teased out in some posts during this thread, but I think it should be stated now as a sort of bad movie rule of thumb.

    In order for a bad movie to truly make one cringe, squirm, and revel in the brand of shock and awe that that only an 80+ minute train wreck can inspire in a viewer, that movie must have been made in good faith as a work of non-knowing, non-ironic filmic art. In other words, it just isn’t the same when you recognize that some of the people were in on the joke of how bad their movie is.

    Using McLaren’s list, then, we can lift up “Manos: The Hands of Fate” as being a singularly misguided, tragic example of what happens when nobody’s around to point out that the wheels have come off the tricycle. But with something like “Barn of the Blood Llama,” it’s pretty obvious that the filmmakers were in on the wretchedness from the word go. (Clive Barker appears as himself in it, for crying out loud.) That makes this film somewhat less of an achievement than “Manos” is, no matter how tastefully done the bestiality may be.

    Viewed through this lens, we can see why Ed Wood is such a compelling, improbable artist. Most of his films were within the idiom of his time, and he never thought for a moment that they didn’t measure up to the best of the era while he was making them.

    For further discussion on this topic, I recommend seeking out Patton Oswalt’s latest stand-up comedy CD, “Werewolves and Lollipops,” and listening to his dissertation on the minds behind the classic sexual horror flick, “Death Bed: The Bed that Eats.”

  90. 90.

    mclaren

    October 31, 2007 at 5:25 am

    Incidentally, Army Of Darkness was even more awesome in the original unfilmed script. First, the original title was an all-time classic: The Medieval Dead. As you’ll recall, this film was the follow-up to the instant classic The Evil Dead, in which Bruce Campbell stares into a mirror and says, “It’s okay. It’s okay! Everything is fine!” Then his reflection in the mirror talks back to him and shout, “You just killed your satanically possessed GIRLFRIEND with a CHAINSAW. Everything is NOT FINE!”

    But the original ending of Army of Darkness / Medieval Dead is what really makes the film. In the original ending, after screwing up the incantation that’s supposed to get him back to his own time, Bruce Campbell gets transported back to Earth in the 20th century…only to find himself standing in a desolate post-nuclear wasteland right after a nuclear war!

    Sam Raimi rocks and Bruce Campbell is God. That ending would’ve made this one of the best ever Raimi/Campbell outings. But the suits in the studio freaked, and demanded the lame ending with which the film got released, involving a silly shoot-out at K Mart.

    For more Bruce Campbell awesomeness, check out Bubba Ho-Tep in which Elvis (Bruce Campbell) and JFK (who has had his skin darkened by the CIA so he looks like an African-American) find themsevles trapped in an old age home in Texas with an ancient mummy who sucks old peoples’ souls out through their butts.

  91. 91.

    Bombadil

    October 31, 2007 at 9:28 am

    Bruce Campbell is God.

    Agreed. I hope some cable channel has the sense to start running “The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.” marathons.

  92. 92.

    BIRDZILLA

    October 31, 2007 at 9:44 am

    How about OLIVER STONES big time stinkeroo ALEXANDER i mean i understand that movie was a absolute bomb and after two great movies the movie SUPERMAN IV THE QUEST FOR PEACE was a bomb and SANTA CLUASE THE MOVIE was real flop

  93. 93.

    GotWolfy

    October 31, 2007 at 12:05 pm

    If you want a movie completely awful you just look for

    JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER

    Nothing is worst than this movie so bad it’s funny.
    The main line is ” The power of Christ impale you”

Comments are closed.

Primary Sidebar

Fundraising 2023-24

Wis*Dems Supreme Court + SD-8

Recent Comments

  • Geminid on Pudd’n Boots (Open Thread) (Mar 25, 2023 @ 1:16pm)
  • Mai Naem mobile on Pudd’n Boots (Open Thread) (Mar 25, 2023 @ 1:15pm)
  • Mike in NC on Pudd’n Boots (Open Thread) (Mar 25, 2023 @ 1:15pm)
  • HeartlandLiberal on RIP Gordon Moore (Mar 25, 2023 @ 1:14pm)
  • sdhays on Pudd’n Boots (Open Thread) (Mar 25, 2023 @ 1:12pm)

🎈Keep Balloon Juice Ad Free

Become a Balloon Juice Patreon
Donate with Venmo, Zelle or PayPal

Balloon Juice Posts

View by Topic
View by Author
View by Month & Year
View by Past Author

Featuring

Medium Cool
Artists in Our Midst
Authors in Our Midst
We All Need A Little Kindness
Classified Documents: A Primer
State & Local Elections Discussion

Calling All Jackals

Site Feedback
Nominate a Rotating Tag
Submit Photos to On the Road
Balloon Juice Mailing List Signup
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Links)
Balloon Juice Anniversary (All Posts)

Twitter / Spoutible

Balloon Juice (Spoutible)
WaterGirl (Spoutible)
TaMara (Spoutible)
John Cole
DougJ (aka NYT Pitchbot)
Betty Cracker
Tom Levenson
TaMara
David Anderson
Major Major Major Major
ActualCitizensUnited

Join the Fight!

Join the Fight Signup Form
All Join the Fight Posts

Balloon Juice Events

5/14  The Apocalypse
5/20  Home Away from Home
5/29  We’re Back, Baby
7/21  Merging!

Balloon Juice for Ukraine

Donate

Site Footer

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Comment Policy
  • Our Authors
  • Blogroll
  • Our Artists
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2023 Dev Balloon Juice · All Rights Reserved · Powered by BizBudding Inc

Share this ArticleLike this article? Email it to a friend!

Email sent!