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You are here: Home / Impossible Things

Impossible Things

by Tim F|  April 14, 200810:29 pm| 36 Comments

This post is in: General Stupidity

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Over the last month I found out that Barack Obama is a Muslim, that he is captive to his pastor at the United Church of Christ and that he is a Marxist. Talk about transcending! Normally any one of those things would necessarily exclude the other two.

Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

If you throw in fantasies like Iraq’s WMDs, Saddam’s ties to 9/11, the Laffer curve, the War on Christmas, creationism, climate denial and the easter bunny small government Republican, modern conservatives make the red queen look like a piker.

Maybe Walt Whitman will help.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Buck up, wingnuts. By uncle Walt’s standards you’re huge.

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Reader Interactions

36Comments

  1. 1.

    D0n Camillo

    April 14, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    You might laugh now, but if we’re not careful, we could wind up with a Muslim, Marx militant Christian in the White in November. Please save us Hilary!

  2. 2.

    TenguPhule

    April 14, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    Normally any one of those things would necessarily exclude the other two.

    In Crazyworld, anything is everything.

  3. 3.

    nightjar

    April 14, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    And then there’s this priceless nugget of wingnuttery from the Confederate Yankee.

    Update: Andrew Sullivan accuses Kristol of misrepresenting Obama:

    …Kristol is deliberately distorting to paint Obama as a cynical manipulator of religious faith for political ends, rather than as a genuine Christian. He’s calling him a lying, Godless communist.

    Actually, Obama is neither quite a “lying, Godless communist” nor “a genuine Christian,” but something of both, and neither. Obama is a 20-year congregate of Black Liberation Theology, race-defined Marxism in a Christian shell.

  4. 4.

    Thursday

    April 14, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    nightjar –

    But does he melt in your – I’m not gay!
    (Shorter, more earnest ConFedYank)

    Tim F. –

    So, *snicker* when the Republicans say they’re the “big tent” party, *chortle* they mean a really big tent! Haw haw! Pa-pum-PUM!

    Sorry.

  5. 5.

    Ross

    April 14, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Over the last month I found out that Barack Obama is a Muslim, that he is captive to his pastor at the United Church of Christ and that he is a Marxist. Talk about transcending! Normally any one of those things would necessarily exclude the other two.

    Hah! Well spoken, sir.

  6. 6.

    Chris Johnson

    April 14, 2008 at 11:30 pm

    Some of them even contain multitudes in the same sense as ol’ Walt :)

  7. 7.

    craigie

    April 14, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    Luckily, Republicans can’t read or learn, so none of these impossible, inconsistent “ideas” bothers them.

  8. 8.

    vwcat

    April 14, 2008 at 11:42 pm

    I will enjoy watching obama go up against the republican machine.
    They are the big bad that many democrats hide under their beds shaking over.
    They have become so predictable that you already know how they will run against obama and I’m sure he will be ready.
    Afterall, the strategy in the primary was to wait until November to go after Hillary and they already knew her weakness. That she would over react. She always does.

  9. 9.

    mbuchel

    April 15, 2008 at 12:09 am

    I’ve never commented, but after reading this I had to. This might be the single funniest take on this campaign I’ve read yet.
    Now I’m going to go back and watch her commercial featuring “real Pennsylvanians” who can barely read a cue card without laughing talk about how pissed off they are about Obama’s comments just to punish myself for ever thinking I would vote for her.

  10. 10.

    Rick Taylor

    April 15, 2008 at 12:15 am

    Talk about transcending!

    And at Taylor Marsh I learned he’s also an elitist leftest who’s far too liberal to be elected who doesn’t stand for anything and will sell us out to the Republicans at the first opportunity.

  11. 11.

    MobiusKlein

    April 15, 2008 at 12:15 am

    If Obama is a Marxist, then GWB is a Stalinist.

    (for all you logic fans out there, that statement is not reversible. )

  12. 12.

    Psycheout

    April 15, 2008 at 12:39 am

    Even liberal Joe Lieberman and fellow Senator isn’t sure that Obama isn’t a Marxist.

    IIRC he ran for VP alongside the Goracle.

  13. 13.

    TenguPhule

    April 15, 2008 at 12:49 am

    Even liberal Joe Lieberman and fellow Senator isn’t sure that Obama isn’t a Marxist.

    Shorter Psycheout: Throw me a bone here! It’s not easy being completely fucking insane.

  14. 14.

    mimaqueen

    April 15, 2008 at 12:55 am

    I am officially sick, I am confessing to insanity.

    I want her to steal the nomination so I can watch the 527s gut her in the fall. I am sick of her and since she won’t go away then this would bring me great pleasure.

    I will go take my medication now…..

  15. 15.

    ThatLeftTurnInABQ

    April 15, 2008 at 1:18 am

    Tim, this if f***ing brilliant!

    Over the last month I found out that Barack Obama is a Muslim, that he is captive to his pastor at the United Church of Christ and that he is a Marxist. Talk about transcending! Normally any one of those things would necessarily exclude the other two.

    There is only one possible explanation: Obama is a Schrödinger’s candidate, existing in an indeterminate quantum state which contains the superposition of all three possibilites: Muslim, Crazy Christian, and Marxist.

    If we make the terrible mistake of electing him then his probability function will collapse into one of those states, and we’ll be screwed.

    This is something we cannot risk. The Clingons are warning us of this peril, if only we would listen to them.

  16. 16.

    daryljhusseinfontaine

    April 15, 2008 at 1:38 am

    I think it’s shameless that Senator Obama feels the need to pander to the stealth radical Muslims, the Black Liberationists, and the Marxists among us. Surely he could pick just one, but noooooo, he has to play politics by saying just what each group wants to hear.

    /snark

    D

  17. 17.

    AmericaWillBe

    April 15, 2008 at 1:51 am

    Although I understand the logic, the application of Whitman to the current nest of republicans strikes me as inappropriate. Whitman after all, Whitman. May I suggest a biblical quote, also to the point: “My name is Legion, for we are many”

  18. 18.

    Rick Taylor

    April 15, 2008 at 2:27 am

    Listen to the latter part of this clip from the Daily Show for examples of Fox News switching their principles to suit who ever is in power (about four and a half minute in).

  19. 19.

    jake

    April 15, 2008 at 6:12 am

    There is only one possible explanation: Obama is a Schrödinger’s candidate, existing in an indeterminate quantum state which contains the superposition of all three possibilites: Muslim, Crazy Christian, and Marxist.

    This here is some 100% fucking brilliance.

    I bet if you took it to Hilliary44 you could have them chanting “Don’t Collapse the State!” in no time.

  20. 20.

    Conservatively Liberal

    April 15, 2008 at 6:20 am

    Maybe he is a human example of the Triple Point where he exists in all three states at the same time.

    High school and college chem nerd.

  21. 21.

    cleek

    April 15, 2008 at 6:42 am

    maybe Obama’s a Klein Bottle : he has no inside and no outside, therefore he contains all and nothing. ohm.

  22. 22.

    jake

    April 15, 2008 at 7:04 am

    ohm.

    I see what you did there.

  23. 23.

    Conservatively Liberal

    April 15, 2008 at 7:31 am

    ohm.

    Resistance is futile!

  24. 24.

    jake

    April 15, 2008 at 7:51 am

    Quit amping up the rhetoric.

  25. 25.

    KCinDC

    April 15, 2008 at 8:03 am

    Are you sure that’s Walt Whitman? It sounds a bit Rumsfeldian to me.

  26. 26.

    bago

    April 15, 2008 at 8:26 am

    You’re leading a revolt!

  27. 27.

    DougJ

    April 15, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Walt Whitman was an elitist. He hung out around the Brooklyn Bridge — that’s a very tony neighborhood. I’ll bet he was pushing little Walt Jr. around in one of those $800 Maclaraen strollers, chomping on a Kobe beef burger while he wrote those lines.

  28. 28.

    demimondian

    April 15, 2008 at 8:32 am

    I see that nobody noticed your subversive reference to Uncle Walt, Tim. Congratulations on finding the figure in American letters who best role model for modern Republican sexual behavior.

    Except for the wet suits. Whitman didn’t have wet suits: they hadn’t been invented yet.

  29. 29.

    Mark-NC

    April 15, 2008 at 8:32 am

    You left out a bunch of good fantasies – like:

    Republicans are fiscal conservatives who want a balanced budget and hate deficit spending.

    Republicans would never do “Nation Building” like the evil Clinton did.

    Republicans don’t think we should be the world’s policemen – again unlike that evil one Clinton.

    Fox News if “Fair & Balanced”

    etc., etc., etc.

  30. 30.

    bago

    April 15, 2008 at 8:35 am

    Oh, now you’re just polarizing the debate.

  31. 31.

    DougJ

    April 15, 2008 at 8:39 am

    Except for the wet suits. Whitman didn’t have wet suits: they hadn’t been invented yet.

    They were more enterprising than you think, though. From Instapundit’s new favorite book:

    A steam-driven vibrator invented in the United States in 1869 was inconvenient for doctors to use because they repeatedly had to shovel coal into its boiler.

  32. 32.

    Svensker

    April 15, 2008 at 9:24 am

    This current argument may cause me to commit a volte face and send someone less electrifying than Ohmbama to DC.

  33. 33.

    demimondian

    April 15, 2008 at 10:02 am

    DougJ Says:

    stuff

    Gee, thanks, Doug. I needed an excuse for a full limbic system flush and rebuild. That link to sadlyno…just the ticket.

    [note to self: DougJ + BradRocket + Instapundit = *bad* mojo.]

  34. 34.

    Chris Johnson

    April 15, 2008 at 8:30 pm

    DougJ- you can’t actually make Little Walt Jr.s that way :)

  35. 35.

    Krista

    April 15, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    A steam-driven vibrator invented in the United States in 1869 was inconvenient for doctors to use because they repeatedly had to shovel coal into its boiler.

    Yikes. Anything that has a boiler should not be going anywhere near a woman’s whoo-hoo, thank you very much.

Comments are closed.

Trackbacks

  1. Masson’s Blog - A Citizen’s Guide to Indiana » Obama: The Islamic Christian Marxist says:
    April 15, 2008 at 6:27 am

    […] Obama: The Islamic Christian Marxist By Doug Tim F at Balloon Juice: Over the last month I found out that Barack Obama is a Muslim, that he is captive to his pastor at the United Church of Christ and that he is a Marxist. Talk about transcending! Normally any one of those things would necessarily exclude the other two. […]

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