I will start with people who feel the need to mark every god damned email with a red urgent marking. Call me if it is that damned important- you have my number, jackass.
Your turn.
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Come for the politics, stay for the snark.
Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.
If you’re pissed about Biden’s speech, he was talking about you.
Fuck these fucking interesting times.
Republicans in disarray!
Michigan is a great lesson for Dems everywhere: when you have power…use it!
The gop couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.
Let’s finish the job.
Innocent people don’t delay justice.
I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.
with the Kraken taking a plea, the Cheese stands alone.
An almost top 10,000 blog!
Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?
The most dangerous place for a black man in America is in a white man’s imagination.
Their boy Ron is an empty plastic cup that will never know pudding.
Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll
It’s easier to kill a dangerous animal than a man who just happens to have different thoughts/values than one’s own.
if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.
A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals
Fundamental belief of white supremacy: white people are presumed innocent, minorities are presumed guilty.
It looks like winning debates is a black job!
fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)
It’s not hopeless, and we’re not helpless.
Come on, media. you have one job. start doing it.
A consequence of cucumbers
You are here: Home / z-Retired Categories / Previous Site Maintenance / People Who Should Be Buried Up To Their Neck in Human Waste and Then Forced To Listen to Vanilla Ice
Desargues
Vanilla Ice himself.
Ice-T, for becoming such a sell-out.
Ice Cube, for making the sharpest U-turn from cool to tool.
cleek
people who schedule 5 hour meetings on Friday afternoon.
Pseudofool
Gaius Baltar
Tim C.
People with giant huge trucks that tail-gate about six inches from my back bumper while I’m already 10 over the posted limit AND I’M IN THE FREAKING RIGHT LANE!
Soylent Green
Email, what’s that? You kids today.
Keith
Better yet, don’t call at all and quit marking all your emails as super-duper-important. Outlook would be better served as instead having a “Not Really Important” icon, as all emails in a work environment have to be read (at least according to policy)
BTW: I’m going to take a wild guess and say John’s offender is an administrative assistant (or HR rep) of some kind.
Faux News
People who whistle while you are on an elevator or on the metro/subway/bus.
wasabi gasp
People who call me. If its that damn important, call someone who gives a shit.
Chris
Prof Coal,
I need an extension kthxbye.
demkat620
The people who need longer than two minutes to put sugar and cream in their coffee. You know the ones who have to make sugar they have the exact number of sugar grains and just the right drops of cream. If you need that long, give up coffee it is too complicated for you.
Shygetz
People at work who forward chain letters and fake alerts to EVERYONE in the building.
People who think their music is SO cool that everyone on the block must hear it blaring from your car stereo.
Ben Stein…seriously, fuck that guy.
Tom
I’m going to go with any Bush supporter who calls Ahmadinejad crazy for these comments, considering Bush said pretty much the same thing when he said God told him to invade Iraq.
Mike S
This guy at Redstate.org describing what will happen here if Obama is the President.
I thought the GOP was filled with tough guys. This guy is laying in a puddle of piss under his bed.
Davebo
People who think orange juice is just for breakfast.
But not whoever did this site.
http://hillaryis404.org/
Dave
Anyone who still insists Hillary can win this thing. Math is math, you idiots. Game. Over.
Krista
Retired people who bitch about economic development in their small town and how it might affect their peace and quiet.
Davebo
And then complain that all their grand kids have moved to the city.
What? We’ve still got jobs at Walmart!
wasabi gasp
People who talk when you finished listening.
Fargus
People who don’t realize that their phone has a setting that’s not “speaker.” Especially when they’re having personal conversations. With their wife. Making kissy noises.
Soylent Green
Bluetooth cellphone users talking loudly to the air on trains and buses. They should be forced to have sex with the corpse of Andrea Dworkin while listening to Bush’s speeches.
brendancalling
Riverdaughter, for publishing this tripe:
Someone buy that writer a unicycle, some giant shoes, a squirting flower, and a big red nose, because she’s clearly a graduate of Clown College.
cleek
why would you need to secure your boarders ? they’re renters, not slaves, you fucking idiot.
Fwiffo
The telemarketers who keep calling me on my cell phone, using up my minutes, with a recording which they claim is “the second and final notice that the factory warranty on my vehicle has expired” and I need to renew it with them, but they don’t themselves, or obeying my instructions to put me on their do-no-call list, and it’s the 50 millionth time they’ve called, and they’re going to call again, and I don’t even own a fucking car.
rob!
people who shop in stores just as they’re about to close. when a store is only open 13 hours out of every 24, can’t you find the time to shop without screwing over the employees who just want to go home?
Andrew
These guys: The Next Right(wing failure at the internets)
Feel free to point and laugh as they get buried.
cleek
yeah, but check out the comments. ex:
fapfapfap
wasabi gasp
People who have my number.
demimondian
Actually, Fwiffo, telemarketers are not supposed to ever call a cell phone. Ever. It’s illegal. Like big time. Call your state attorney general. (And why do I know you live in the States? You don’t use GSM.)
pharniel
Fwiffo Says:
well, if you’re in the states
1) complain to your provider
2) complain to state attourny general
3) complain to FCC.
4) profit.
SamFromUtah
Within the first year, the terrorists attacks will begin.
Just like they did last year, after we got hit by the nukes set to launch when CNN called the Senate for the Democrats.
BFR
Me. Just ’cause I like feces and Vanilla Ice.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
I get this same call at home all the time and I don’t own a car either.
Tim (The Other One)
ANY cell phone conversation while operating ANY other equipment.
Unimportant people of little consequence wearing a blue tooth.
Unless you can get me a window seat/non-smoking, you look foolish.
ty lookwell
Scott Simon of NPR
SamFromUtah
Newt Gingrich, if you turn him upside-down first.
Michael D.
Under pressure?
Genine
Hey! I resent that! I’m a (glorified) administrative assistant and I don’t red-exclamation-point-thingy anybody! (Admin. asst. is not my title… but it might as well be.)
But, bitchin’ as an administrative assistant, it annoys me when I tell a ton people something minor needs to be done in 3 weeks, they put it off and pile it on me all at the last minute and act like it was the most important thing in the world!
If it was the most important thing in the world, they would have done it three weeks ago.
Dennis - SGMM
Cable news shows that keep going back to the Republicans for their opinions on Iraq, energy or the economy. Those are the people who fucked up all three, newsies! Get a clue and ask some Dems for a change.
Kevin
People who take the day off for Ted Bundy’s birthday.
UnkyT
M. Night Shyamalan.
How do I get suckered in to watching his movies?
leinie
Spammers. Especially the little fuckers that spoof e-mail addresses so that retarded mail servers can tell me the mail my users never sent was not delivered.
A.Political
The people who dig the holes for when the goal pasts are moved.
A.Political
The people who dig the holes for when the goal posts are moved.
cleek
Dems are biased. they know this because their regular guests have told them so.
Kevin
HA! I laughed at that one!
NR
Has anybody looked at Riverdaughter lately?
It’s like someone opened the Ark of the Covenant over there.
dlw32
The “News” media, for never even trying to get it right while fostering the orgy of senseless coverage of pointless annoying trivia like Britney’s latest battle with her ex or f’ing flag pins and not sufficiently covering the issues that are turning this country into a feudal state.
With a special section of Hell for the sexually-repressed morons that were making such a fuss over Miley Cyrus’ freaking bare shoulder.
SnarkyShark
People Who Should Be Buried Up To Their Neck in Human Waste and Then Forced To Listen to Vanilla Ice
The lunatic fringe over at The Left Coaster!
I have been commenting over there for a while. Steve Soto went on sabbatical for while to write a book and turned it over to the front pagers. They tried to turn it into a Taylor Marsh clone.
There were/are some decent people there, so I thought I would lend a hand. Some progress was made, things were OK.
Today, Steve Soto called for Hillary to drop out and the place went insane. I have seen a lot of shit in my day, but I have never seen a trip to the dark side like I just saw.
Get this….the deranged Hillary supporters say they might vote for Obama if he apologizes for trashing the Clintons pristine reputation. Accusations of sexism and misogyny are thicker than Republicans at a NAMBLA meeting.
Several posters have accused Steve of having it in for poor Hillary and running an anti-Hillary site. This after Soto was one of the first bloggers to endorse Hillary, and let the Hillbot front pagers run wild. They insist they will vote for McKranky and accuse Obama of being arrogant, of trying to disenfranchise the ever important “low information” voter. They are proud of their stupidity, and insist the must be catered too or they will ” cause Barry to lose the election”
Dear god, being over here is like coming back from a trip to “the Heart of Darkness”. How can these people call themselves Democrats. They are like Republicans, only crazier.
Please tell me we can tell these fucks to take a flying leap. They really really need to be marginalized.
There were calls to ban me, and to his credit Steve resisted. I told em I waz outa there anyway as I was worried about my sanity. Which I was. I am still shaken, and I don’t mean metaphorically.
I suggest if anybody wants to look into the face of pure stark raving insanity, go check it out. Take some Atropine Sulfate with you cause that shit is toxic.
Thank god for you sane people, and I think I will hang around here for a while till the nightmares go away.
b. hussein canuckistani
Ben Stein, and all of the Philedelphia Flyers.
Zifnab
He’s coming out with a new one, too.
Can we just fill the theater with dung and Vanilla’d Ice? Maybe that will keep him from turning a profit this time.
Dennis - SGMM
They’ve already marginalized themselves.
4tehlulz
Riverdaughter is just parrotting the well-known fact that only nonwhites play the race card. As we all know, whites have transcended race, and the only way for the
coloredsminorities to transcend with us is to be not not white.RSA
Right, the choice-of-rooms-in-Hell joke punchline: “All right everyone, coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”
I’ll nominate Billy Mays, the pitch guy on low-end TV commercials. In fact, he’ll supply the human waste himself, in the never-ending stream that’s coming out of his mouth.
RareSanity
People who are having such an important life or death conversation on a cell phone they cannot hang up to order/pay for something…
If your negotiating peace in the Middle East, maybe you shouldn’t be stopping to buy a Big Gulp. If you’re not, hang up the fargin’ phone so you can have a conversation with the nice employee in front of you!
Let me pay for my
Black Tailgas so I can go home!Corksucker!
KRK
People who use “blog” to refer to a specific entry/post on a blog. And commenters who refer to their comments as “posts.”
Also cats who climb cedar trees and then cry pathetically until I get the ladder and coax them out.
John Cole
Riverdaughter is hella crazy. She is now calling herself a Democrat in exile.
I thought one of the benefits of someone being in exile is they would stfu and leave the country. Can she take Armando with her, too?
Nikki
Genine
I’m an AA (glorified), too, and my advice is NEVER, EVER, EVER give them the exact deadline when everything has to be turned in. Always give yourself a leeway of 3 days to a week by telling them it’s due in 2 weeks or 2 weeks, 4 days. That way, you have ample time to do what you have to do. :)
Punchy
How dare thee trash Cube. The guy’s a GOD.
libarbarian
God. Reading that makes me feel like I’m standing on the sidelines watching David facing-off against Goliath.*
Everyone around me is saying “Goliath is so big and strong. Look at all the armor. He’s going to crush David.” and I’m thinking “Goliath is weighed down with 50lbs of bronze and facing an opponent who is 50-100 yards away and armed with what is arguably the best missile weapon in the ancient world in the hands of an experienced user. David doesn’t need supernatural help from God – Goliath is fucked for purely natural reasons” .
Part of me wants to explain how wrong they are. Another part of me just wants to gambling.
* Not that I believe an obviously fictional story, but you get the idea.
Kevin
and Brenden Morrow and the rest of the Dallas fucking Stars.
KRK
See, now this is just nonsensical. I thought the whole point was that Obama is one of them. The terrorists aren’t going to have to attack America; Obama will give it to them!
Fwiffo
Indeed, I’m pursuing all of this, and I’ve been keeping a log of all occurrences. I’ve heard you can collect a fine for each call, so if it gets to #4, I oughta have enough to retire.
Jeremy C.
People who respond to EVERY e-mail on EVERY Obama listserv by replying TO THE ENTIRE LIST with:
“yeah Joe, you’re right about that, I agree completely! Go Obama”
IDIOTS!!! They are the sole reason it takes me at LEAST an hour a day to comb through my inbox for REAL information about campaign happenings.
mitch
People who feel compelled to tell you every boring detail of their lives when you politely ask how their weekend was (or worse, if you don’t ask, they simply volunteer it).
People who routinely take loud, lengthy personal calls at work.
People who, whenever you bring up something in your own life, even to someone else entirely, immediately find a way to revert the conversation back to themselves, regardless of how slender the conversation thread that brought them there.
People who think they are artists but are clearly hacks.
People who constantly interrupt you and refuse to listen, even when they ask a question.
People who implant themselves in others’ conversations seemingly at random.
People who laugh like elmer fudd at their own quips, though they rarely, if ever, make sense (much less are funny).
People who move their lips as they type 5,000 word manifestos cleverly disguised as emails, all the while avoiding work.
People who believe their taste in music is eclectic and interesting, but who have “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” and “Surfin’ Bird” at least three times each on their iTunes playlist.
People who have absolutely zero self-awareness, yet whose universe revolves around themselves in an undeserved paean to their own intelligence and wit.
I could go on, sadly. Needless to say, this is all the same person in my office, and she is the most annoying person I have ever met in my almost 30 years of life, hands down. Everyone in the office avoids contact with her and knows simply not to speak in her presence, lest you unleash a torrent of vapid blather. Unfortunately, I’m in the same room with her and 2 other people.
/rant
ThymeZone
Seriously hard to top that, but ….
The person in front of you at the grocery checkout, who waits until the entire order is scanned and totalled before TAKING OUT HIS FUCKING CHECKBOOK AND WRITING A CHECK WHICH HE COULD HAVE COMPLETED IN ITS ENTIRETY EXCEPT FOR THE AMOUNT BEFORE HE EVEN LEFT THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.
The Moar You Know
Damn, thank you for that. Worth a read as they flay their own party almost as badly as I would, then top it off with the pathetic disclaimer of “we don’t want to be the DailyKos of the right”. Ha!
RedState redux, hopefully they’ll go down in the same fashion with hysterical finger-pointing over how they can’t expand since all the site designers and database mavens are libruls.
Kevin
Their time is more valuable than everyone else’s, duh!
4tehlulz
People who write WALLS OF TEXT in comment sections.
You know who you are.
Tim (The Other One)
Kevin, are you wearing a blue tooth right now ? You seem impatient.
Nikki
Everyone who has ever had anything to do with American Idol, including Ken Levine who watches it so I don’t have to.
RSA
Whew! I was thinking, How the fuck do you know me, mitch?
The Moar You Know
This delicious copypasta is for you, 4thelulz:
Yo VIP let’s kick it
Ice ice baby
Ice ice baby
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull’s eye the kid don’t play
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
CHORUS
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin’
Quick to the point to the point no faking
I’m cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain’t quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo
Rollin’ in my 5.0
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I’m heading to the next block
The block was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous ’cause I’m out getting mine
Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they’re so full of eight balls
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
Bumpet to bumper the avenue’s packed
I’m trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
REPEAT CHORUS
Take heed ’cause I’m a lyrical poet
Miami’s on the scene just in case you didn’t know it
My town that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
‘Cause my style’s like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
If my rhyme was a drug I’d sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it’s time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold
Ice ice baby
Grand Moff Texan
People who pay way too much to move into cool places so that they can pretend they’re cool too, only to price the real cool people out of the place they made cool.
.
Paul L.
Progressive champion of Free Speech Roderick King.
“Since it [abortion] is a right, you don’t have the right to challenge it”
Can try that one with second amendment?
Jen
I’m just gonna go with Rev. Wright. He has it coming. And the “God Damn America” stuff will make more sense that way.
SamFromUtah
People who routinely take loud, lengthy personal calls at work.
Seconded. I had one coworker whose mom would call her all the time at work. I about died from embarrassment hearing this grown woman arguing loudly with “Mommy” about very personal stuff for a half-hour at a time.
Kevin
I don’t even own one, sorry :-)
I don’t write checks at the grocery store, either.
Krista
Hey, peace is thirsty work, my friends.
To add to the list, though, but I have a special loathing for men between the ages of 55 and 70 who, even though I am not their subordinate, expect me to kiss their ass and smile even when they’re being utter idiots, for the sole reason that they’re older than me and have a penis. If I think you’re wrong, I’m going to argue my point, and if you don’t like to be “sassed” by “that young girl”, well…too fucking bad.
(Apologies to anybody present who falls into this age group. If you don’t act like that, my rant does not apply to you.)
Andrew
Cosigned x10000000.
Checks should be banned from use at retail checkout. Get a freaking debit card. Not even old people have an excuse for this one anymore.
Zuzu
Yes, cell phone/bluetooth users who don’t have the courtesy or common sense to use them appropriately.
Stood in line at Target behind a woman who carried on a conversation with thin air (aka bluetooth) while the cashier rang up the purchase and she ran her card and signed the receipt. At least she nodded a quick “thank you” on her way out.
I don’t get it. Most people would never carry on a conversation with a third person while ignoring the person they’re dealing with. Why don’t such basic sensibilities transfer over to the electronic gadget realm?
And I absolutely hate seeing people gabbing on a cell phone while barreling down the freeway with one hand on the wheel. Or holding their coffee cup in one hand.
Zifnab
You can sass me any way you want, sweet thing.
No? What’s that? Neck deep and you’ll be getting the boom box? Fair enough.
Hypatia
People who use lots and lots of cutesy-wootsy emoticons.
I now go out of my way to delay responding to interoffice e-mails with the HIGH IMPORTANCE exclamation point, especially with the repeat offenders. I have never yet missed anything of actual high importance.
Tim (The Other One)
“Apologies to anybody present who falls into this age group. If you don’t act like that, my rant does not apply to you”
I also write checks at the grocery store. Whippersnappers hate it.
Jen
Krista, I saw an opening band from Alberta last night called Corb Lund. Heard of them? They were good. Course, I don’t get out much.
SamFromUtah
Checks should be banned from use at retail checkout. Get a freaking debit card.
Damn straight. Check-writers are the worst, because just about all of them do what TZ described. But I’d also throw in all the other transaction-constipators, like people who insist that their expired coupon from another store really does apply to this purchase, or who try to pay with deposit slips or Slovenian pork belly futures.
wasabi gasp
I still write checks. But, only when I’m buying over fifty thousand dollars worth of lottery tickets at the gas station during rush hour.
Jasonconga
German university students who complain when I give them LESS to study for the exam…
Dreggas
Howard Wolfson
Pat Buchanan
Terry MacCauliffe
The bush administration
TheFountainHead
Anyone who has ever posted at RedState without the intention of purely wreaking havoc with their Rethuglican (red: Small and shriveled) minds.
Punchy
How about fuckers that decide to park wherever the fuck they please next to a curb in a shopping mall just so they’re as close as can be, even though they’re completely illegal and there’s about 15 fucking empty spots about 20m away.
Double that for the assholes that park across a yellow line, in order to take up 2 spots intentionally, so that (presumably) no one will park next to them and door ding their 1998 Olds Cutlass with the faded paint job and dirty white ragtop.
Zuzu
Try it when the client is young enough to be your kid.
Ninerdave
Speaking of lottery tickets: People who buy scratcher lotto tickets one at a time.
“I’ll take that one there…no not that on the one next to it. Yeah that one, oh and then I’ll take two of those…”
Having said that I will admit to taking the elevator at work on floor up and one floor down just because it pisses other people off in the building.
Just Some Fuckhead
Empty-headed cable newsreaders who, after playing a clip of the latest manufactured outrage for the twelfth million time, turn to anonymous pundit and ask “Does this story have legs?”
Punchy
Boy, you’d hate me. I do a crossword puzzle and argue with the sports talk radio guys while driving every morning. In the afternoon, add checking scores via cell phone to the mix, and if it’s a Friday, toss in a roadie or two (Mike’s Hard works well…looks like pop) for the drive home.
I basically do more while driving than I can do over a 8 hour workday.
Sloegin
People who can’t possibly ever see the world from the other person’s perspective. It’s like the golden rule, but internalized. Buncha numbnuts.
BTW, hoping for the best that P.Luk, Jeralyn, the folks at Corrente will be able to get hammered, take a few weeks off, enjoy family and friends and come back supporting the candidate without taking their metaphorical ball and going home. I for one miss the ‘bad magician’ posts at Corrente. Great stuff.
ThymeZone
Then there was the couple in front of me, and a long line of waiting customers, who waited until the transaction was completed and payment made before taking a wrinkled 50-cent coupon out her purse and trying to apply it to the already-closed transaction.
The poor cashier ended up calling over the manager and while they fumbled with the problem, I pulled a dollar bill out of my pocket and offered to buy the 50-cent coupon for a dollar, to get the line moving.
Hey, says the guy, this is no concern of yours. Yes, says I, you are holding me, and ten other people, up, and that makes it a concern of mine. And I am offering a dollar for a 50-cent coupon.
Harumph, says he, this is NOT ABOUT MONEY.
Uh, excuse me, I says, it’s NOT ABOUT MONEY? THEN PREY TELL WHAT IS IT ABOUT SIR because you have ten people waiting here?
With that the guy snatches the coupon, grabs the missus, and stalks out of the store.
True story.
Genine
Hi Nikki,
Yeah, I do that, too. But it still doesn’t work with some people. But that’s OK because I don’t stress it. I just think its funny.
Besides, a lot of my co-workers are teachers and ex-professors who know damn well when they screwed up a deadline. So they don’t give me any crap.
Blue Buddha
a-frikkin-men.
Or what’s worse is when they call you about something important, don’t leave a message, then yell at you later for not answering the phone. I almost never answer my phone, so if you don’t leave a message, I’ll never know about it.
srv
Does anyone know what happened to Jon Swift?
Hasn’t posted in a couple of months.
Kevin
He was fed to starving Irish children.
jake
1. Self-important wanks who use that stupid Outlook function that asks for a notice when you read or delete their email. What I do with your e-mails is none of your business.
1a. People who use this function when posting to list-serves get buried head first in Ctcheney’s waste while Vanilla Ice humps their feet.
1b. All of those people will be buried on top of the numbskull created that crappy little program.
2. Whoever it was that farted up the already hot train for half an hour last night. That guy should to be buried in a fire ant’s nest because the smell of human waste wouldn’t bother him.
t jasper parnell
NPR’s Morning Edition tag team morons.
David Hunt
Naw, that’s just Solyent Green’s alibi.
J. Michael Neal
Everyone who works in human resources.
All business school students and administrators. I’m prepared to cut the faculty some slack until it’s proven that they are a problem without the other two groups.
Blue Buddha
…while buried up to his neck in human waste and forced to listen to Vanilla Ice. That poor sod.
jake
And how could I have forgotten the drunken gnomes that are currently running WordPress.
Radioactive human waste mixed inhabited by flesh eating worms while Pat Boone sings Crazy Train and Ann Coulter does a pole dance WHILE YOUR EYES ARE CLIPPED OPEN A LA CLOCKWORK ORANGE.
fbeuks
Lanny Davis.
A Different JC
Totally brilliant cleek. Rock on.
Tsulagi
Whoa, if there are any Republicans who still cruise by you’re going to get them thinking. Hopefully. I keep waiting for one of the culture wanker warriors to surpass their double wetsuit/single dildo high-water mark for retarded perversion.
John Cole
Let me add Armando.
What fucking happened to Talk Left is a god damned crime.
Speaking for me only, of course.
Douchebag.
ThymeZone
The world’s worst? The assholes who made up this story.
db
People who get in the elevator after I’ve farted (when I was in there all by myself) and then comment that something stinks.
Genine
I know what really ticks me off.
People that interpret what another person is saying or doing and do not take responsibility for their interpretation, acting like its the other person’s problem.
I don’t know what it’s been lately, but I’ve been getting into the most idiotic arguments over stuff I did NOT say, but what the other person thought I was saying. Recently, I was having a debate with someone and I realized we were talking in circles. I said so and the other person looked wounded and about to cry.
What? I inquired. They said I was mean and that was the worst thing I ever said to them. I was stunned. I had no idea what he was talking about. He said I called him a stupid idiot. What!? I said we were talking in circles. He said its the same thing. I said they weren’t the same things. He insisted they were and he explained why. I told him that was all in his head and I said exactly what I meant. He said language is more nuanced than that. “Don’t you think you could be wrong about what you meant?”. I said no, I was the one saying it. I know what I mean and I wasn’t thinking you were an idiot… until now.
It spiraled into this long thing and the same thing happened a number of times with different people. What the hell is up with that?
D-Chance.
I do that, myself, as a big “fuck you” to Visa and those annoying commercials pimping their Life-Takes-Visa cards.
John Cole
Also, pundits who say “I think the American people are smarter than that.”
No. They aren’t. I am smarter than your average bear, and I voted for Bush twice. Americans aren’t smarter than that, whatever that may be. Asshole.
db
People who come in to my office after I’ve farted and then ask if I also smell something that stinks.
db
P.S. – the person came into my office because I wasn’t responding to their calls or emails.
db
People who don’t appreciate my gas.
SamFromUtah
No. They aren’t.
John, the pundits know that very well. If the American people weren’t dumb, the pundits would be out of a job.
db
People in a blog comment section that would suggest that I maybe have a problem with my bowels.
ty lookwell
also: I’d like George W. Bush buried up to his neck in feces, but only if he’s standing on Dick Cheney’s shoulders.
b. hussein canuckistani
I KILL YOU!!!
Dork
Sounds like you hate nearly every man’s married life experience.
Andrew Sullivan would really, really like to meat…er, meet, you.
SamFromUtah
People that interpret what another person is saying or doing and do not take responsibility for their interpretation, acting like its the other person’s problem.
This is extremely annoying among individuals and even more so when it’s among news announcers. Kerry’s “botched joke” comes to mind.
Blue Buddha
One time I was with my in-laws and we were grocery shopping. When we were done, my father in-law decided to pull the mini-van up near the front door so we could load it up quickly and go. He happened to pull up in front of another car that was parked and completely empty. Halfway through throwing the groceries in the back tail-gate, the woman who parked the car behind us happened to come out of the store and had the gall to yell at us for loading too close her car.
Cain
Walking into an elevator where some guy’s farted and he’s still standing there looking at the ceiling. I wanted to clock him.
cain
Andrew
Too much meth?
scrutinizer
They’re staring at your great rack and not paying attention?
chopper
what about those of us who take the day off for al bundy’s birthday?
Z
1. The entire Bush administration.
2. Coulter, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, et al
3. People who pull into a turn only lane, so that they can zip in front of the line of cars in the other lane, as soon as the light turns green.
4. People who stop their cars in the middle of the road (blocking traffic), so they can have a conversation with someone on the sidewalk.
5. People who get offended at the idea that they might be homophobic, because they are uncomfortable with/dislike/want to avoid all gay people.
A Different JC
I’ll keep going on thanking the great lines:
I will credit you, Snarkyshark, for the first third and fifth times I use this phrase.
Krista
Religious proselytizers. I don’t go to your fucking door and tell you what I think of your belief system, so what gives you the right to come to my door (or leave those little passive-agressive flyers) and have the utter gall to tell me that your spiritual beliefs are superior to mine? And to do this at 8:30am on a Saturday morning when I’m trying to relax, sit in my underwear, and have my coffee and read Balloon-Juice? No, I don’t freaking well think so. So take your flyers and your mission and stuff them sideways up your arsehole.
And may God bless.
Zuzu
You couldn’t help but register her jerkiness when the shocked – shocked!- Clinton insisted that her potential competitor should “apologize to the troops.”
r€nato
Thanks goodness. I thought I was the only one who finds him supremely annoying and cloying.
Nice story. Reminds me of the time I went into a Subway, very hungry around 8pm. Some clown is in the midst of arguing with the cashier over 8 cents. No kidding. Don’t know why; maybe it was one of those deals where he used a coupon but you still have to pay the sales tax on the full amount.
In any case, after a couple of minutes watching this foolishness, I spoke up: “Excuse me, are we arguing over 8 cents? Here. Here’s 8 cents. Can I order a sandwich please?”
Mr. Cheapskate was stunned into silence, flapped his lips noiselessly a couple times, then silently turned and left. Cashier and I had a good laugh after Cheapskate left.
SamFromUtah
You couldn’t help but register her jerkiness when the shocked – shocked!- Clinton insisted that her potential competitor should “apologize to the troops.”
I missed that one – I very rarely watch any politics on TV (blood pressure problems). Hence the timeliness of my example, heh.
Zuzu
No kidding:
r€nato
I hope someone has the mercy to put me down should I ever act like that in my old age.
Others:
People who tailgate you when you are hanging in the lane farthest to the right on the freeway, especially when there are multiple lanes free and clear to the left. I’ve slowed down to the speed limit on the freeway, even if it is 55 and let me tell you it definitely improves your mileage.
Assholes who drive the speed limit in the left ‘hi speed’ lanes. Leave it to the cops to police speeders, jerkoff; you’re just begging to cause an accident.
Jackass, ill-bred hosts who feel free to pontificate about politics when they have no clue whether their guests’ politics coincide with theirs. Um, long story about something that happened to me over Easter. I may seem opinionated here but in real life I am far too civilized and well-mannered to engage someone I barely know in a political argument, in their own house, and yet having to listen to ignorant, misogynistic nonsense is more than I can bear.
People who voted twice for Bush and still think that was a good idea.
Drivers who dangerously cut off bicyclists to pull into a driveway, in order to save the precious 2 seconds it would take to allow the biker to pass safely. This happens A LOT. I swear in the future I am going to start copying down license plates when this happens to me, and someday when I see that car again in a parking lot, key the everliving fuck out of it. It ain’t that big of a town; I’m bound to cross paths with these assholes again.
Blue Raven
Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
Tara the anti-social social worker
“Religious proselytizers. I don’t go to your fucking door and tell you what I think of your belief system, so what gives you the right to come to my door (or leave those little passive-agressive flyers) and have the utter gall to tell me that your spiritual beliefs are superior to mine? ”
And an extra-special slot in hell when they ignore my “No soliciting” sign, then insist they’re not solicitng.
SamFromUtah
“…the silhouettes of people with their hands lifted as if they were WORSHIPPING SATAN.”
Woo – anyone else get a big Eighties flashback from that one?
Sure these years are even worse, but I really don’t miss the Reagan years.
Blue Raven
My candidate for burial and Icing: cage drivers who insist on cutting off motorcyclists. Let’s not even touch on the lanesharing/lanesplitting debate, especially since different places have different rules. I mean the SOBs who will move INTO the lane where the biker is while looking right at him/her. Or ride up their asses. Or turn in front of them. Or throw things at them with no provocation.
And gods, I wish I were kidding.
SamFromUtah
Drivers who dangerously cut off bicyclists to pull into a driveway, in order to save the precious 2 seconds it would take to allow the biker to pass safely.
I got that all the fucking time when I was a bike commuter. That, and blowing past me in their haste to stop at a red light 50 feet away.
r€nato
People who treat the wait staff like their personal slaves. I often think of reminding these boors that they don’t know what goes on with their food in the kitchen… then I think better of it, hoping that the wait staff operates on that same principle.
I once had a boss who got off on the power trip of making waiters/waitresses run around, like complaining about the coffee and asking for a fresh pot, or sending a plate back… just because he could. One time, I excused myself with the excuse of going to the bathroom, tracked down the waitress out of sight of our table and offered her 5 bucks if she would spit in his goddamned coffee before bringing it to the the table.
Tara the anti-social social worker
Also, my evil ex-boss who embezzled from the homeless shelter.
Able-bodied people who steal handicapped parking spaces.
And the idiot a the copy shop today who was talking the sole employee’s ear off about how important and successful his company was. He could see I was waiting to place my order, and he WOULD NOT SHUT UP.
t4toby
People who send the schedule reminders to my Outlook.
Listen, motherfuckers, if I want to make a reminder for your dumb-ass meeting, I’ll put it in myself.
r€nato
Dumbshits who claim there is no global warming, and whose sole evidence in favor of this assertion is that they don’t like Al Gore. Almost all the time I encounter this, the people expressing such opinions are those who, let’s say, weren’t exactly AP students in high school and didn’t like all those egghead kids.
Acting out your high school issues 30 years after high school? Time to grow up, dumbshit.
r€nato
Douchebags who try to squeeze past you on the right when the freeway on-ramp is narrowing down from two lanes to one. This bit of idiocy should be a valid defense for vehicular homicide.
Zuzu
Oops, I take it back. She was merely tsk-tsking over the “inappropriateness” of it.
Fox News
r€nato
OK they don’t deseve the buried-in-shit-and-Iced treatment, but people who stick those after-market big-ass spoilers on their car? Nothing quite screams OVERCOMPENSATING like that.
Saw one today on a nice, late-model Corvette. WT everliving F? That’s like getting hair extensions on your toupee.
SamFromUtah
r€nato – were we separated at birth or something? You at least seem to encounter all the same kinds of assholes as I do.
AW
The title had me aroused, but the contents were lack luster.
I give it 3 out of 5 stars.
r€nato
Assholery is a universal constant, Sam.
r€nato
Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care… THAT YOU ARE WORSHIPPING SATAN!!!!
r€nato
…just imagine what vapors those god-botherers would have had if they had known what Prince was really doing with that sheet and that guitar at the Super Bowl halftime game… IT WAS A GREAT BIG COCK YOU MORONS!
r€nato
1) Clueless fucktards who conduct running arguments on mail lists, rather than taking it private. I’m certain this has a lot to do with the innate human nature to have to be right/refusal to admit error. Do you really have to show off to everyone else on the list that you were/are right and the other guy was/is an idiot? No, you don’t.
2) Clueless fucktards who feel the need to post, “OK thanks!” and other meaningless messages to the entire list. OK this doesn’t quite rise to the bury and Ice treatment, but it’s still clueless.
3) People who, either through their size or lack of consideration, spill over into my personal space on the airplane. Either buy two seats, find two adjacent empty seats, or offer me compensation for use of the part of the seat that I purchased, asshole.
4) People with poor personal hygiene on airplanes.
5) People who constantly ask, ‘why did they do that?’ during the movie. WATCH THE MOVIE AND YOU WILL FIND OUT!
Shade Tail
Various high school students who:
– get outraged when you won’t extend the deadline to make up that very important test they missed. Even after you wrote it up on the board for everyone to see when the deadline was and who needed to take the make-up.
– act like such drama queens (or kings) about what an asshole that other teacher in their other class is, when all he did was give them the grade they earned. And then actually expect me to sympathize.
– do something really bad to one of their teachers (nasty name-calling, or the like), eventually make a non-apology apology that even a republican would be embarrassed of, and then wonder why they’re still in trouble.
Krista
People who think money is everything and act like there’s something seriously wrong with those of us who have other priorities.
Tom in Texas
I used to carry around cards in my glove box that said “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND YOU’VE BEEN KEYED. Can you find the mark?” Never actually keyed anyone, but I liked to imagine someone who doesn’t find the time to fit in the lines having to waste minutes and sweat walking around the car a few times.
A coworker is a legendarily shitty driver. People refuse to ask him for rides anymore (maybe that was the point) because he cuts people off and constantly treats every other driver as if they are nonexistent. He got a $150 (I think) ticket in the mail for littering. The ticket claimed he threw a cigarette butt out the window, and another driver saw him and reported the crime. I have no doubt he does just that with his cigarettes, but told him it was most likely a driver he pissed off on the road somewhere. So there’s another trick for your arsenal — fake littering fines.
My personal pet peeve is people who cut ahead when there is a line to exit the freeway. You are the reason that traffic is stopped in the first place, dickwad!
r€nato
awesome. I can’t stand it when people throw their butts out the window. That’s what the ashtray is for, dumbshit. Would you throw your other trash on the ground? Like your soda cup or Mickey D wrappers?
Yeah I can be a misanthrope sometimes. What about it, asshole? ;-)
r€nato
heh. I dated a woman whose sister thought exactly that way. The rest of her family was nothing like that. G/f had no idea why Mary turned out like that.
I like money too… a lot, sometimes. But, it’s not my life and it is certainly not worth doing things which would cause me to lose my soul, my self-respect, or my ability to sleep well.
jake
The uncivilized apes I work with who:
1. Make me want to burn my shoes after I go in the bathroom. Learn. To. Aim. (Up to their lower lip in human waste).
2. Leave their dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and get pissed when the magical dish pixies don’t clean them. (Stuffed into a dishwasher full of human waste.)
Soliton
You may be educated, but anyone who fell for Bush’s crap ain’t really all that smart.
The “five percenters” are the ones who are smart, the five percent of us that thought Bush sucked even right after 9/11/2001.
You have no idea of the abuse we five percenters went through between 9/11/2001 and about 2005 or so. And it was largely thanks to “smarter than the average bear” folks like yourself.
So my own personal nomination for burial/ghetto blaster treatment is anyone who at any time thought Bush was smart or competent. He was (and is) neither smart nor competent and all it took was a reasonable command of the English language to grok that in fullness.
Anne Elk (Miss)
1. People who call the doctor’s office where I work to request that we call in a refill on their medication that they a) don’t know the name of b) don’t know what dose they take or how often and c) don’t know their pharmacy phone number. Well, that makes it easy, now doesn’t it????
2. Insurance companies that require the doctor’s office to complete a “prior authorization request” for above prescription, as it is “not on their formulary”, requiring lengthy phone time on hold to get them to send me the fracking form, during which I am frequently either a) disconnected b) subjected to the stylings of Kenny G or c) reminded that my call is important and that they are a leader in providing quality care solutions to their insured.
Seriously, Sen. Obama — I live in Illinois, I helped make you a Senator — Put ME in charge of health care. It can’t possibly be worse than what we’ve got now.
Zuzu
I just heard Al Gore give a lengthy interview on NPR. Complete sentences. Coherent thoughts. Insightful analysis.
Reminded me all over again what we’ve lost.
So I guess I’d put those Florida Nader voters up to their ears in poop.
r€nato
Yeah but Al Gore is FAT! And he EXHALES CO2!!!
Ooops, sorry…
Hey, Soliton… feeling smug and vindictive may carry a certain amount of self-satisfaction, but do you maybe think that you could spare a bit of forgiveness to those who have come around, like John? We’re not going to move forward from here with just the 5% who could tell Bush was hopelessly incompetent 10 years ago.
MDee
People who whine, “well I’m not going to vote for Obama/Hillary just because of haters like you”.
Look fucknut, you don’t want to vote for someone find your own fucking reason for not voting for them, don’t you dare use my legitimate disgust with your candidate to justify your fucking shallow stupidity.
And WTF is it with identifying so closely with a candidate that you take any criticism of them personally? They are fucking politicians, people. They’re not perfect and they ain’t your friend. Personally investing all your hopes and dreams in a political candidate to the extent that you take any insult of them so personally you will vote for a Bushbot bootlicker like John McCain is some wicked warped-assed shit. I’ve never seen anything quite like it before.
Winston Churchill once said, “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”
After this clusterfuck of a primary I’m beginning to agree with him. Not that any other option is more appealing or acceptable, of course.
KRK
People who still have “Bush/Cheney ’04” and “I Support the President and Our Troops” bumper stickers on their vehicles in May of 2008.
b. hussein canuckistani
Churchill was an elitist.
Clutch414
I’m not a Hillary supporter (Go Obama), but idiots without a clue who continue to refer to her as “Hitlery.”
dmbeaster
Like in 2001?
Those RedStaters, always full of irony.
Soliton
When Bush voters had the upper hand how did they comport themselves, eh?
Shit rolls downhill and what goes around comes around.
I’m not smug, I’m enraged.. The Bush voters have ruined the future for my grandchildren and every time I look at their pictures on my desk I get angry all over again.
Societies which ate the seed corn in a lean winter paid a horrendous price for that mistake.. We don’t even have the excuse of a lean winter and we aren’t eating the seed corn.. We’re burning our seed corn to kill people halfway around the world that have never done anything to us.. Right now the bill for the Iraq war is about $10,000 for every man, woman and child in America.. I suspect it will come to considerably more than that eventually.
Fuck the Bush voters with an oversized red hot soldering iron, just like they fucked the rest of us.