Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Incompetence, fear, or corruption? why not all three?

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

DeSantis transforming Florida into 1930s Germany with gators and theme parks.

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

If you tweet it in all caps, that makes it true!

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

They are lying in pursuit of an agenda.

Speaking of republicans, is there a way for a political party to declare intellectual bankruptcy?

When someone says they “love freedom”, rest assured they don’t mean yours.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

Donald Trump found guilty as fuck – May 30, 2024!

We will not go back.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Stop using mental illness to avoid talking about armed white supremacy.

You don’t get rid of your umbrella while it’s still raining.

The real work of an opposition party is to oppose.

White supremacy is terrorism.

You cannot love your country only when you win.

The poor and middle-class pay taxes, the rich pay accountants, the wealthy pay politicians.

Not so fun when the rabbit gets the gun, is it?

rich, arrogant assholes who equate luck with genius

Celebrate the fucking wins.

You are here: Home / Comment of the Year 2009- Early Nominations

Comment of the Year 2009- Early Nominations

by | 132 Comments

This post is in: 

It is that time of year again, folks. We are coming up on the end of December, so time to start nominating comments for the comment of the year. Here are some early nominees from yours truly.

Max hats:

The whole concept of the much hyped “Big Hollywood” blog is mind blowing. Change the politics of Hollywood with a blog composed of 3rd rate conservative blowhards? Uh, okay. Sure. And I’m going to change NASA through interpretive dance.

Stuck:

CNN is reporting a tentative deal with dems and Susan Collins for getting her support. No details but would trim the bill to 780 billion. I must say, I feel so much better now that Sue Collins is the lynchpin in getting this and future bills passed. It’s like Daffy Duck goes to Washington and saves the democrats from jaws of doom.

Xecky Gilchrist:

Seriously, the Republican nomination race in ‘08 was a metaphorical lineup of oiled posers at Venice Beach flexing for the lunatics passing by.

Bret:

All you have to do is waterboard the XP box, and it’ll give you all the data it has.

Cbear:

Yeah, this Michael Jackson coverage is way over the top.
You’d think we lost Tim Russert or something.

***

If you have a nominee, throw it in the comments. I need the name of the commenter, the comment, and if at all possible, a link.

Have fun.

Reader Interactions

132Comments

  2. 2.

    max hats

    wow, thanks! I’m flattered to get mentioned. I did a triple take when I loaded the page trying to figure out who else was using my name before I remembered typing that.

  3. 3.

    Notorious P.A.T.

    CNN is reporting a tentative deal with dems and Susan Collins for getting her support

    It’s amazing: at the time it was obviously of Earth-shaking importance that we get the great Susan Collins on board. . . yet since then I haven’t thought of her once! How could that be?

  4. 4.

    Cat Lady

    beltane:

    The modern conservative movement is a glorified quest to reach the absolute zero of humanity. Already, the true believers have largely lost the ability to communicate in standard English. Another turn of the spiral will find them unable to perform simple functions such as driving (traffic signs are kind of communist if you think about it) and preparing food (that lettuce was picked by Mexicans and lord knows what they’ve done to it).

    The teabagger protests of the future will feature partially clothed, excrement covered fat people shrieking incomprehensible gibberish. It will be the Woodstock of the damned.

    That was awesome.

    Edit: blockquoting semi-fail.

  5. 5.

    General Winfield Stuck

    LOL, I am honored. And of course want to thank Ma, Pa and especially The Academy. And Senor Cole to keep me brownie points up to snuff.

  6. 6.

    Demo Woman

    Is it an indication that one has to much time on their hands if they remember reading all those comments? I’m surprised that my keyboard survived some of the comments.

  10. 10.

    Nylund

    And to think that there were moments when I doubted my plan to collect, sort, categorize, tag, and index every single Balloon-Juice comment of 2009.

  12. 12.

    SGEW

    Has it already been a year? My how time flies.

    I have no nominee, truth be told. Too many good comments, not enough room in my brain.

  15. 15.

    Notorious P.A.T.

    Has it already been a year? My how time flies.

    I think the past year went by faster than the entire Bush administration.

  17. 17.

    freelancer

    Renato, RE: Dijiongate:

    Dear Prospective Republican:
    …
    Congratulations! You’re just one small step from joining God’s Own Party!
    …
    Please fill out the attached form in full. Also, please be sure to read in full the 3 pages long (front and back) document which contains the Republican Dietary Laws, which are summarized here:
    …
    1) Whenever ordering a philly cheese steak, first make sure to enquire as to which cheese the locals like to put on theirs. Failure to do so may result in your being branded as an elitist.
    …
    2) Diet soda is for fags.
    …
    3) When selecting mustard as a condiment, please ensure that it is common yellow American mustard. No imported french mustards, not even Grey Poupon (even if it is made in America). “French’s” mustard, though technically permissible, should probably be avoided for obvious reasons.
    …
    4) No Heinz ketchup.
    …
    5) No imported beer. Bud and Coors are acceptable, in that order of preference. Miller is not acceptable.
    …
    6) Consumption of the following fresh vegetables is permitted: iceberg lettuce, ‘regular’ tomatoes, celery, corn, carrots and cucumbers. Any other variety of lettuce such as romaine lettuce or butter lettuce is prohibited. When choosing a salad dressing, a good choice is 1000 Island or Ranch. Never select anything with the word ‘vinagrette’ in its name. French dressing is right out.
    …
    Arugula is for fags, as are organic vegetables. All other vegetables should be consumed cooked and topped with butter or as heavy of a cream sauce as possible.
    …
    7) Eat as much red meat as possible. This really pisses off PETA, vegetarians, and Al Gore. As we all know, the ultimate goal of conservatism is to annoy liberals as much as possible.
    …
    8) All grocery shopping should be done by your girlfriend or wife. Should you be required to go to the grocery store as well (perhaps to give her instruction in how to properly follow these dietary laws), do not push the cart as this is a sign of an emasculated boyfriend or husband. Do not shop at Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods or other pinko commie elitist grocery stores such as these. When asked ‘paper or plastic’, request that your purchases be bagged individually and triple-bagged with non-recyclable plastic bags. Discard the excess bags in the parking lot. This also annoys Al Gore.
    …
    Finally, please be sure to read and sign the “I Am Not A Secret Fag” document. It’s just a formality but we’ve had a real problem with this lately so it is necessary. Be sure to remember that it still counts as faggotry if you only pitch and never catch. If you don’t know what this means, don’t worry about it. We don’t want you getting curious.
    …
    Welcome to the Republican party! You betcha!
    …
    Hippity-hoppity yours fo’ shizzle,
    …
    Michael Steele

    Jesus, Cole, that was like homework.

  19. 19.

    smiley

    @Demo Woman:

    Is it an indication that one has to much time on their hands if they remember reading all those comments?

    I’d say yes. That’s part of my motivation for my stupid comment @#1. One of the reasons this is a fool’s errand impossible is because very few of us, ahem, read all the comments on a thread before commenting. That said, however, maybe favorite comments don’t require the context of what’s already been said on the thread.

    Hmm… said on the thread. Hell, I might just git my gitar out.

  20. 20.

    Notorious P.A.T.

    @Paul L.:

    Could he have been JOKING with Conan O’Brien? No, that’s unpossible!

    “But if Bush or Palin had said the same thing progressives would state it proves that the person is a moron”

    That’s because Bush and Palin ARE morons.

  22. 22.

    Laura W

    I’ve waited since the night Michael Jackson died for this moment!

    AkaDad, June 25, 9:58pm.

    I heard Michael Jackson is to be cremated and have his ashes spread out into sandboxes, so children can still play with him.
    …
    Too soon?

  23. 23.

    Notorious P.A.T.

    I think my favorite quote of the year was the tag “I Can No Longer Rationally Discuss the Clinton Campaign”.

  27. 27.

    Laura W

    @Laura W: Oh for Fuck’s Sake! I can’t even get permission to edit my comment and I am pretty sure I did not fuck up the link to begin with. (AkaDad was rockin’ the house that night… all night…

    Relax your mind
    Lay back and groove with mine
    You got to feel that heat
    And we can ride the boogie
    Share that beat of love

    Hopefully, this is the correct link back to comment 56 in that 6/25 thread.

  29. 29.

    Leelee for Obama

    I wish I had bookmarked my favorites, I didn’t realize there was a contest. I must have missed it last year, How’d that happen? There are so many good one. Oh well, I’ll start now! When is the cut off?

    I think it must count that the fo-shizzle made me spit on the monitor, right? So it’s definitely in the running. Likewise the MJ in the sandbox.

  30. 30.

    JenJen

    For me, it has to be the recent, immediate classic from Zifnab:

    Seriously, though. Beating your mistress is definitely one of the all time douche bag moves. What happened to the carefree innocence of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?

    Black dildo anuses (anii?) aside, woooohooooo Laura W in the hizzouse! This is going to be a fun evening.

  31. 31.

    Jenn

    Too many comments to remember. Sadly, even the ones that had me laughing so hard I almost literally started rolling on the floor are now only vague memories. However, I have to admit widely sharing one of El Cid’s gems from the other day (wrt Dick Cheney, just in case you couldn’t tell merely from the quotation):

    “That’s not breathing. That’s his internal equipment’s cooling ventilation releasing heat from the concentrated evil generator which powers him.”

    – long-time lurker, first-time commenter

  34. 34.

    geg6

    Damn. I wish I was on a computer and not the Blackberry. Fuckhead had one the other night that might have been the best comment evah. Hope the contest is open come next week so I can search for it. Meanwhile, I plan to sit back and enjoy this thread.

  37. 37.

    geg6

    Notorious Pat: I agree. I remember that well. Ha. Remember those golden days in the primaries when we thought we’d seen all the crazy possible?

  38. 38.

    MikeJ

    From the lexicon:

    “I have a recording of Mick Jagger’s voice where he admits killing the Kennedys.”

  39. 39.

    Jody

    “Dump truck full of Hitlers” was not nominated. These awards are all just one big popularity contest anyway.

  41. 41.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Is this an open thread? No?

    Too bad, once again I am forced to go O/T.

    Does anyone besides me really love *The Lion in Winter*? On TCM right now. What a truly wonderful film. Every line of dialogue, every performance by every actor (O’Toole! Hepburn! Hopkins!), every note of music. It’s just a terrific story.

    As for COTY, there were so many I’m not sure I could choose just one. But I still remember lying in bed, following that whole “Balloon Boy” thread with the non-laughing helicopters on the BlackBerry, and simply weeping with mirth for about two hours straight. Everyone was just on fire that night.

  44. 44.

    Litlebritdifrnt

    There have been so many brilliant comments this year (that all resulted in me spewing wine onto my monitor) that I am spoiled for choice. I shall have to go trawling and try to come up with them (the MJ one was up there in the top three however).

  46. 46.

    geg6

    Siubhan Duinne @41: Lion in Winter is a fucking awesome film. And I’m with you on the Balloon Boy thread. I literally was crying with laughter and had to stop reading every now and again because I was afraid I’d pull a muscle. That should be Thread of the Year.

  47. 47.

    Bubblegum Tate

    Wasn’t RedKitten’s “I can see the moon from my house, but that doesn’t make me an astronaut” comment from this year? If so, I think that one is the winner.

  52. 52.

    Annie

    This is great. I am settling in the for the night — book, wine, and reading this thread….Perfect.

  56. 56.

    debit

    @SiubhanDuinne: I love that movie. God, the dialogue!

    Eleanor: And when you die, which is regrettable but necessary, what will happen to frail Alais and her pruny prince? You can’t think Richard’s going to wait for your grotesque to grow.
    Henry II: You wouldn’t let him do a thing like that.
    Eleanor: Let him? I’d push him through the nursery door.
    Henry II: You’re not that cruel.
    Eleanor: Don’t fret. We’ll wait until you’re dead to do it.
    Henry II: Eleanor, what do you want?
    Eleanor: Just what you want, a king for a son. You can make more, I can’t. You think I want to disappear? One son is all I’ve got, and you can blot him out and call me cruel? For these ten years you’ve lived with everything I’ve lost, and loved another woman through it all, and I am cruel? I could peel you like a pear and God himself would call it justice!

  60. 60.

    ihop

    i think of the above list that max hats’ is the best; but i will say that the helicopters are not joking thread is the finest and funniest thing i was able to read on the ted steven’s memorial intertube’s all year.

  61. 61.

    Mark S.

    Yeah, this Michael Jackson coverage is way over the top.
    You’d think we lost Tim Russert or something.

    That’s pretty damn funny.

    It took me a while to find it, but I liked this comment from R-Jud. The context is songs Palin could sing for an upcoming album:

    “Hey, Big Spender”. Possibly re-written as “Hey, You Betcha!”

  62. 62.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @geg6
    @debit

    One of the lovely joys in life — which I must do as a treat for myself very soon — is to watch *Becket* and *TLIW* back-to-back. Just unbelievably amazing to see O’Toole playing Henry II at very different ages and stages. Both brilliant screenplays based on some of the most interesting and exciting history of the last millenium.

  68. 68.

    Comrade Mary

    @freelancer: Agreed! In fact, any John-cleaning-stuff-naked references are comedy gold.

    I think he’s learned now that revealing personal foibles in front of the commentariat is as potentially embarrassing as swearing in front of a toddler.

  69. 69.

    debbie

    @debit:

    You left out:

    Eleanor: What family doesn’t have its ups and downs?

    I watched “A Man For All Seasons” today; another great movie.

  70. 70.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @Grace Nearing

    Oh, I know. It’s easy to do. I got hooked on Eleanor close to 50 years ago as a student at Northwestern and was assigned (I think I have this right) Amy Kelly’s Eleanor of Aquitaine and the Four Kings . At that time it was one of the very few Eleanor biographies out there — now of course there are many, as well as a fair collection of historical fiction about her. I also think Katherine Swynford (mistress and eventually third wife of John of Gaunt, and a key figure in the Wars of the Roses) is a fascinating character who lived during a rich and compelling period. Then there are the Tudors . . . .

  72. 72.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @debbie: A Man for All Seasons is another great favourite. I haven’t seen it in a while; will have to pull out the DVD. Maybe I’ll just have a two-day orgy of my pet English History films during the holidays.

  73. 73.

    JGabriel

    JenJen: Seconding JenJen’s nom of Zifnab’s “What happened to the carefree innocence* of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?”

    (*Although even in those years we had reports like this, about Pennsylvania’s 10th CD US House Rep. Don Sherwood (R-Misogynist): “On September 15, 2004, a woman locked herself inside the bathroom of Sherwood’s Washington, D.C. apartment, and called 911 to report she was assaulted. When police arrived, the woman, Cynthia Ore, accused Sherwood of choking her, though he maintained he was only giving her a backrub.”)

    .

  76. 76.

    HRA

    It is hard to chose from the nominees. I like them all.

    I know we have to nominate a commenter and still what makes me unable to stop laughing (even tearing from laughter) as I simply remember part of it is Tunch and the dishwasher episode.

  77. 77.

    debbie

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    I pulled out Man For All Seasons after reading Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall. Her view of More is really quite a change from the saint persona. And, that Henry VIII was one major d@ck.

  79. 79.

    The Dangerman

    @freelancer:

    I have to second this nominee…

    …and for Goodness Sake’s, can we get a Ballon Boy thread link STAT! Thank you kindly.

    @John Cole: Oh, keep your pants on, Cole. We’re just getting started.

    Just in case He Who Shall Not Be Named hops in his lap, his pants had best be kevlar lined.

  80. 80.

    JGabriel

    arguingwithsignposts:

    I’d nominate some BoB comments, but I don’t know where to start.

    I think we’d need different category for that. Something like, “Most Frighteningly Freudian”, or “Most No-Clue Neo-Con”.

    Hell, we could do a whole thread on “Best Comebacks to BOB Posts”.

    .

  83. 83.

    DougJ

    I kind of like this one, too, from Corner Stone:

    Very, very dirty vodka MARTINI. Imagine, if you will, that you stole money from the Salvation Army person outside the department store, then took that money and used it to buy hookers, heroin, scratch off tickets and a copy of Going Rogue at full price.

  85. 85.

    JGabriel

    Speaking of bathroom cleaning, I nominate this post from Fulcanelli:

    Accidental fall or not, John, I hope this incident you had cleaning your bathroom in the nude with a mop isn’t in any way related to the post you put up a short while ago asking about the best video camera and microphone to buy.

    .

  86. 86.

    Betsy

    Oh man, this thread is just what I needed for my night in with a glass of wine. I knew I didn’t need to be paying for cable.

  87. 87.

    Mike in NC

    Whatever the “Comment of the Year for 2009” is, it will surely be considered very good news for John S. Fucking McCain, you betcha, and for our Center-Right nation as a whole. Details to follow tomorrow on ‘Meet The Press/Press The Meat’.

    +3

  89. 89.

    RedKitten

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Oh, keep your pants on, Cole. We’re just getting started.

    He can’t. He’s cleaning the bathroom.

    Okay, that one made me snort wine out of my nose.

  90. 90.

    Yutsano

    I have a stupid question. Instead of a comment, can we just nominate a thread of the year? Balloon Boy was so full of win all over the place it would be so tough to pick just one out of there.

  91. 91.

    SiubhanDuinne

    @debbie: thanks for reminding me about Wolf Hall. Haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my list and just moved up.

  92. 92.

    asiangrrlMN

    @JGabriel: From the same thread. I do not have JGab’s mad linking skills, but I nominate kommrade reproductive vigor, comment #78:

    Nah. Everyone is trying to recreate John’s Bathtub Misadventure using a Ken Doll, a pencil, half a spaghetti box and a bottle cap (to represent the bathtub and toilet, respectively).

    Ha. Pure comedy gold.

    I gotta agree with Yutsano, though. Some of the threads are just chock-full of win and one comment can’t really be singled out.

  94. 94.

    scav

    o jesus, the naked mopping incident was this year?! It clearly attained mythic, monumental, epic status in negative time.

  95. 95.

    JGabriel

    This post has become so legendary that I thought it was from last year. It’s hard to believe it’s less than a year old. It burns itself upon the retina of the mind’s eye in such a psychologically damaging manner that it feels as old as a childhood memory of trauma.

    That said, I hereby nominate the infamous BOB post on The Chinese Restaurant And The Psychologically Formative Spectacular Toothless Lesbian Fight:

    Previous reference has been made to a period of time when the household budget was augmented by work as a lounge act at a small Chinese restaurant. At this job I witnessed a fight between a lesbian with no front teeth and a very large woman, who ended up getting her shirt and bra ripped off.
    __
    This was spectacular to witness and it is entirely possible that it has affected my psyche. I apologize for the inappropriate comment.

    Oh yeah, if that’s not a winner, it’s gotta be an honorable mention of some kind — Craziest Post of the Year, maybe?

    .

  100. 100.

    DougL (frmrly: Conservatively Liberal)

    I’m not even going to try and pick a top comment to submit, I will leave that task to others. Why? Because it would make more sense to have the Worst BJ Comment of 2009 since just about every topic posted here has a gem or twelve in it…lol

    Because there are so many great commentators here, why not have a Top Three BJ Comments? Picking only one just seems criminal with all of the comment talent we have on display here.

    Just a thought from the peanut gallery. ;)

  102. 102.

    kommrade reproductive vigor

    OK, I’m seconding or thirding the nomination of the entire Bathroom Blitz thread. It also contains these gems.

    wasabi gasp:

    Kicking the bucket naked while holding a mop handle and wrapped in a shower curtain has been topped by two wet suits and a dildo. Step it up, man.

    Bubba Dave:

    I decided to combine some housecleaning with personal hygiene, stripped naked to mop the bathroom and mopped my way into the tub,

    …
    You can take the Cole out of the Republican party…

    The fact that it also contains comments from BoB re: his nipples should not be counted against it.

  104. 104.

    JGabriel

    Seconding KRV’s nomination of Bubba Dave’s comment from the Bathroom Blitz thread, which I will repost because it just keeps getting funnier:

    I decided to combine some housecleaning with personal hygiene, stripped naked to mop the bathroom and mopped my way into the tub,

    You can take the Cole out of the Republican party…

    .

  107. 107.

    Mark S.

    Steeplejack:

    Hey, to really push Bitsy over the top, how about a Project Wonderful ad with a barbecue fork sticking in her head? That would be gold, I think.

  111. 111.

    Jenn

    Ha! Clearly, I need to go hang out in the archives, because I obviously have missed some killer threads! (My work frequently takes me to the middle of nowhere with no internet for weeks at a time — really nice to escape email, not so great returning…)

    Geez, closing down Starbucks. G’night everybody!

  115. 115.

    Steeplejack

    @John Cole:

    Michael Gass, October 15, 2009:

    The cops that tracked that balloon didn’t make jokes.
    __
    The helicopters didn’t make jokes.
    __
    The people making jokes are here . . .
    __
    And . . . they are wrong for doing it.

    Funny, ’cause I remembered it as “the helicopters weren’t laughing,” which sounds better to me. Go figure.

  116. 116.

    Steeplejack

    @Steeplejack:

    WTF?! I tried to edit my own comment, and WP told me I didn’t have permission to do that–after opening an edit window and letting me type away in it. FYWP.

    Anyway, I edited my previous comment to add this:

    Damn it! I see that Arguing cited the quote above. I hatey-hate-mc-hate getting home so late. I am constantly torn between replying to comments as I go through the thread and waiting to see what other people have written (and thereby forgetting what I wanted to say). So I’ll just piss off then, shall I?

  122. 122.

    It's Too Hot To Sleep

    Perhaps a suggestion for the next version/upcoming remake of BJ: allow users to “star” a particular comment (or something like that), so by the end of the year you can easily compile a list of all of the selected comments.

  124. 124.

    AkaDad

    Thanks Laura W.

    If I get nominated and win I’ll finally have a legitimate reason to wear a tiara.

  125. 125.

    Steeplejack

    I was going through my Balloon Juice notes file this morning looking for something else and was reminded of this gem from Cleek, which I hereby nominate:

    Show me on the doll where Goldman Sachs touched you.

  126. 126.

    donnah

    This was from January 5, Brother Can You Spare a Bullet:

    https://balloon-juice.com/?p=15191

    DougJ

    “Has anyone perfected the backbone transplant yet?”

    Normally, it’s only possible to give a patient a transplant involving a body part that the patient had at one time.

  127. 127.

    uila

    I nominate this comment, which came in a thread debating whether folks were wrong to be upset about Obama’s dismissive reefer joke back in the spring:

    You know one of my frustrations with blogs. It’s Dungeons and Dragons for political junkies. It makes people pretend that THEY are politicians facing the pressures of office and they must act sensibly to placate all the various interest groups and members of the public so that they can enact legislation.
    You aren’t a politician. You are a dude on a blog. Hell, you aren’t even that. You’re a guy in a comments thread.
    If you believe something, advocate for it. If you don’t, don’t. You aren’t Obama and you don’t have to cover for him. He’ll do fine by himself and may even appreciate it if people advocate for what they want instead of play-acting as “the sensible realist politician” that he has to be.

    The sentiment holds for non-reefer-related politics as well of course… [cough] Taibbi-haters [cough]

    Will pretty much owned that thread by the way.

  128. 128.

    Mr. Wonderful

    I’m new here, and love Xecky’s Venice line, but I just went
    back and read most of the Balloon Boy thread.

    How can you beat “bring your condensation”?

  130. 130.

    Mister Colorful Analogy

    @Midnight Marauder:

    I’d nominate some BoB comments, but I don’t know where to start.

    How about setting yourself on fire?

    Don’t know if this is CoY2009, but I LOL’d.

  131. 131.

    james hamlin

    Michael said last week in some comments

    Sarah Palin, because W just wasn’t stupid enough!

    December 10th, 2009 at 10:25 am

  132. 132.

    Evolved Deep Southerner

    I cannot find the post that I’m looking for and honestly don’t even remember what the hell the thread was about, but I remember it was The Moar You Know talking about a crazy ex-girlfriend who burned down his condo, fucked his best friend, and made artwork from menstrual blood, but the sex was SO GOOD … etc., etc.

    Anybody else remember? Help a brother out.

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