Commenter david mizner pointed me towards pictures of Dick Cheney’s first public appearance since he had a heart pump put in four months ago. I had always hoped that Cheney would outlive me so that I wouldn’t have to read the eulogies, which I fear may rival those that we saw for Pinochet. But Cheney doesn’t look well, so barring an accident, I will probably outlive him.
How bad are the eulogies going to be?
I hate to be this morbid, but I’m Irish, I can’t help it.
cleek
Fuck You, Mr Cheney.
John Smallberries
it was bad enough when Nixon died, when all the fawning completely neglected all the evil things he did. With the current crop of nimrods and teatards, I would expect that the Reagan naming frenzy will be eclipsed.
steviez314
My eulogy:
Zandar
eff me, he looks like Evil Sir Patrick Stewart now.
Zifnab
First they’ll send a tingle up your leg. Then they’ll leave you seeing star bursts. And finally they’ll leave that lingering sent of Aqua Velva in their wake.
Honestly, I’ll be happy to see him go – eulogies be damned. The sooner the Nixon Administration finally croaks, the better our nation will be as a whole. A eulogy never disappeared any dissidents to a secret prison or ordered the carpet bombing of a wedding.
Jrod the Cookie Thief
I’m guessing that the eulogies here in the BJ comments will be quite entertaining.
John Cole
Hopefully like this.
John PM
Cheney made a crack about the Bush Library being the only “shovel ready” project, a swipe about the stimulus. Looks like he is the other shovel ready project.
After all the crap the wingnuts threw at Ted Kennedy after his death, I say it is open season on Cheney after his death.
Nimm
@Zandar:
I’d say he looks more like Gollum.
Bokonon
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust … and sic semper tyrannus.”
[The DC Beltway establishment will disagree.]
russell
Hey, where’s his snorkel coat?
geg6
The only thing that truly makes me happy these days (only in regard to our public life here in Merka; my own life is full of happiness) is the thought that that mother fucker is dying in the worst of all possible ways.
I always used cackle with glee at the thought of Reagan rotting away, slowly and painfully, even though, sadly, he didn’t know that was what was happening.
I am completely infused with joy at the thought that THIS particular evil bastard is actually doing the same, but is well aware that his life is about to end and it’s not going to be quick and painless. It puts a song in heart, that thought does.
Ash Can
The eulogies will be plenty bad, because no one will want to appear as indelicate in public as they would if they spoke ill of the dead, even in this case. The only question is of how over-the-top they will be.
When Cheney kicks, I’m avoiding the news for a week, or until a 24-hour guard is stationed at his grave, armed with wooden stakes and communion wafers, whichever comes first.
brendancalling
i hope he goes back to life support, and persists as a vegetable, just like Ariel Sharon. And i also hope that the “Keep Terri Schiavo Alive!!!!” crowd is notified if someone plans to pull the plug.
Then, Tom DeLay can show up and blather about how Cheney smiles when he sees the balloon, and Randall Terry can talk about how Cheney smiles, laughs, cracks jokes.
let Cheney LIVE!
General Stuck
Nixon was Father Theresa compared to Bloody Dick. Though i expect them to link up on the other side and invade heaven, just for the hell of it.
kdaug
@John PM:
Well played, sir. Well played indeed.
Chyron HR
Dick Cheney die? Not while four of the seven Horcruxes remain unfound.
licensed to kill time
The eulogy will have been written by Cheney himself, and he will demand apologies from us all.
The Grand Panjandrum
Here is video of him speaking at the same event. He doesn’t sound good. I just hope they drive a stake through his carcass and wrap a garland of garlic around his neck before closing the casket.
fleeting expletive
He really did look like crap. Like Denny with the LVAD pump,
Noonan
I can only hope Christopher Hitchens is around to write something like this:
MAJeff
OK, so I posted this on the wrong thread. My friend wrote this obituary for Francisco Franco:
that’s the entire obit. Not a eulogy, but it’d work just as well for Cheney.
Comrade Javamanphil
@Nimm: What a nasty thing to say. What did Gollum ever do to you?
bk
Probably similar to what Rabbi Magnin said about Jack Warner. Asked to say something nice about JW at his funeral, the rabbi said “He’s dead.”
brendancalling
@geg6:
yeah, me too. i hope it goes reallllly reallllly slowwwwwwwwly.
I hope he can feel his cells dying. It’s moments like these that i hope the christians are right, because if anyone deserves to burn in Hell it’s Dick Cheney.
John PM
@John Cole: #7
Now THAT is a eulogy!
dr. bloor
@Nimm:
I vote Montgomery Burns.
I make a point never to speak ill of the dead. I’ve seen some real shitheels die in my time, always held my tongue.
I cannot fucking wait for that sociopathic shithead to kick it.
david mizner
Oh, God. It’ll be the worst post-mortem since Russert died…
“Mr. Cheney became identified with aggressive interrogation techniques some human rights advocates regard as torture…”
Sanjuro
Maybe it’s time to polish my dancing shoes.
LGRooney
How much would Matt Groenig charge to run a strip with Homer offering his eulogy to Mr. Burns on that day?
Breezeblock
I’ll keep the flowers on his grave watered with my piss.
ed
“Controversial.”
Bob Loblaw
Dude, think about what job his daughter does for a living these days, and what circles she travels in.
The media will be insufferable when it happens.
Dave
@John Cole:
It’s unfortunate that Counterpunch merged two different HST Nixon pieces into one; the “KICKING NIXON WHILE HE WAS UP ” portion was not part of HST’s original eulogy.
HE WAS A CROOK
AnotherBruce
I think that when Cheney does pass, there will be a major quake from the center of the earth.
cleek
i bet NRO will have a fundraiser to have Teddy sanded off of Mt Rushmore and replaced with ol grimacing Dick.
Carnacki
My proposed architectural design for Cheney’s gravesite.
quaint irene
God, he looks like Laurence Olivier’s character, Szell, the nazi war criminal, in ‘Marathon Man.’
New Yorker
Pretty bad, but far worse will be the fact that (as Christopher Hitchens said about Pinochet and Milosevic) he will manage to cheat justice by dying.
And Another Thing...
Watched the event on CSPAN and Dick really looks frail. Also of note though is that when they did the shovel thing, Condi was on one side of Bush and Laura was on the other. Both were wearing red suits. For Laura, Condi was invisible. Laura smiled & acknowledged everybody except for invisible Condi. There’s got to be a story there.
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
Hopefully, at least one of them will contain the quote about how graveyards are full of important men.
kdaug
The truly vile part of me understands that:
A) Dick is absolutely terrified of his own death (see: 5 deferments, hiding in undisclosed locations when the action was hot, wearing a heart pump in his pocket to keep his shriveled black mass maintain a semblance of “beating”)
B) Dick knows that death approaches
C) Dick is therefore scared shitless, and
D) I enjoy the thought of his internal panic at what’s to come.
Those who’ve lived a good life can die in peace. For the rest…
Keith G
@Nimm: Damn you! Beat me to it.
Can we please raise the % of the estate tax, soon.
Bob L
So let’s see what institutional memorials are a given in max Serious Person worship and utter conservative hypocrisy:
The Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney Institute for Human Rights – which will monitor human rights abuse in the 3rd world that are not authorized by the by the US government.
The Fifth Branch – Libertarian group to fight the growth of the Federal government, in keeping with the great man’s ideas of the role of government when he is not involved.
The Green Plains Project – experimental group to preserve the west as the great man saw it.
Also a statue of the Great Man himself will grace the lobby of the CIA headquarters in Langley Virgina.
The ultimate irony for the Big Dick will be when in 1600 years from now a future Shakespear turns Cheney into a Richard the III like character.
Jay in Oregon
@Chyron HR:
DAMN YOU FOR READING MY MIND!
Maude
Can we bury him at Gitmo?
dmsilev
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.” (Mark Twain would definitely be at home in today’s America)
dms
Legalize
My eulogy:
“Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney.”
freelancer
@Noonan:
Personally, I liked the “Falwell was so full of crap that if they gave him an enema they could have buried him in a matchbox.”
Larry Signor
@John Cole: “Nixon was a professional politician, and I despised everything he stood for — but if he were running for president this year against the evil Bush–Cheney gang, I would happily vote for him.”
Hunter Thompson, Rolling Stone
Tim
Actually, it’s his stooped posture that signals his apparent ill state of health.
He’s always been so damn Republican Portly that now that we see him slim he looks like a skeleton in comparison. But think about it: His color looks good, his leer looks genuine; if he wasn’t rumored to be at death’s door and hadn’t previously been a giant, overweight porker, I’d say this person looks fairly good for its age.
eemom
Eulogy, schoomology. Just the reminder that he is, in fact, gonna die soon lights up this dreary afternoon like a thousand suns. Thanks DougJ.
cmorenc
They’re going to have to forever post guards 24/7 at Cheney’s grave, to keep away the many thousands who will have an irrepressible urge to go piss on it.
ChrisB
@Breezeblock: Beat me to it. Let’s hope there is a grave to piss on.
I just hope he dies next year so his family has to deal with the estate tax.
Poopyman
@John Cole: Oh! Thank you for this, Cole. I forgot how I miss HST.
SiubhanDuinne
@John PM:
Outstanding.
Poopyman
@The Grand Panjandrum:
Don’t forget the Wolfbane.
scav
Interpretive Dance!
Bob L
@cmorenc: You think a pleb is going to even be allowed to glance at the grave of Richard “the last patriot” Cheney? On no sir, that will not do at all. We’re talking wall undisclosed location in a five star resort, with pre-recorded David Brooks seminars being broadcast threw The Cheney Memorial gardens 24/7. Only those Americans in the middle class, earning over $250K a year, will be granted the privilege to approaching the Great Man’s tomb.
PaulW
My eulogy for Mr. Cheney:
(whizzing noise after having finished off five 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew) (splashing noise off of Cheney’s tombstone)
I don’t care if there’s a curse or not. The line for pissing on his grave has got to count in the millions at this point.
DonkeyKong
Looks like Cheney cut out pan seared orphans dipped in ranch dressing. Heart healthy people, heart healthy.
Triassic Sands
When the Cheney eulogies finally appear, I think it’s likely they will set a record for eulogistic dishonesty.
Citizen_X
@The Grand Panjandrum: I say burn the carcass, toss the ashes in strong acid, and dump what remains down a mineshaft.
You know, like the Romanovs.
Elizabelle
I don’t think there should be any eulogies whatsoever for Mr. Cheney.
Instead, a la the 9/11 annual tributes, family members, friends or colleagues should stand up and commemorate each soldier dead before his or her time in Iraq.
And please add Afghanistan, as resources to fight that war were diverted to a second front, leaving us all with two endless, increasingly pointless wars.
Just a few minutes each, talk about what a good person the soldier was, and how much potential was lost.
Richard B. Cheney sent better people than himself to untimely deaths.
If we acknowledged, individually, the Iraqi and Afghan deaths, that would be days upon days of tribute.
No reason whatsoever to mourn his, when eventually it comes.
It’s a travesty that he is free to roam the country and hug on his grandchildren.
Cat Lady
Thanks to a commenter here somewhere in a long dead thread I can’t find, this best expresses my emotions upon Cheney’s overdue imminent death.
Comrade Luke
The very first thing I thought when I saw that picture was “Wow, he’s looking more like Voldemort every day”.
Ash Can
His headstone should be a urinal.
IrishGirl
I agree with anyone that thinks Cheney should “feel” his death, cell by cell. See my longer blog post at http://bit.ly/do6JkO.
(Kudos to John Cole for the link to Thompson’s Nixon eulogy)
gypsy howell
May his death be long and very, very painful. And may he be conscious and cognizant to the bitter end.
jacy
I generally don’t speak ill of the dead, but in Cheney’s case, I will make an exception. Often and loudly and drunkenly . Like a reverse Irish wake.
Best image in my head from reading the linked article:
Maody
those sharp intakes of breath every 4 words or so bode well for the nation.
A Duck
Poopyman:
Dude, that’s the LA river.
No, really, I’m serious.
Sasha
I’ve occasionally wondered if Cheney’s death will be immediately followed by conveniently uncovered evidence that Cheney was ultimately responsible for torture becoming normalized. That way, he can be decried as a criminal, while everyone else is let off the hook. Of course, the fact that he will then be beyond earthly justice would simply be considered unfortunate, but it’s time to move on …
Alex S.
Well, he certainly looks different, though if you didn’t know what he was like before, you wouldn’t assume he was about to die. Yeah, evil Patrick Stewart or something like that.
Xecky Gilchrist
“Mostly harmful.”
Just Some Fuckhead
If only Cheney was a shovel-ready project.
Xecky Gilchrist
No, wait: “mostly heartless.”
Ruckus
Good Fucking Riddance
Ruckus
@Ash Can:
His headstone should be a urinal.
It probably will be even if it doesn’t look like one.
Kay Shawn
“Here lies Dick Cheney.”
oh, wait, that’s what you say while he’s alive.
HRA
@Just Some Fuckhead:
He’s almost there.
Sorry I can’t join in the mocking (is there a better word) for this is how my Dad looked before his death and even though decades have passed, it still hurts to see it.
Triassic Sands
@Citizen_X:
I’d like to recommend launching whatever is left of his earthly remains directly into the Sun. I don’t want there to be any chance of reanimation.
eponymous
@Carnacki:
Carnacki,
Here’s mine: http://ian.umces.edu/imagelibrary/displayimage-85-6053.htmlmine
Just Some Fuckhead
@HRA: My dad died in ’97 weighing about 80 lbs. No health care, no hospitalization, just died on the floor in his efficiency. He wouldn’t have it any other way.
kansi
@steviez314: FTW!
Elizabelle
When Cheney’s death comes, it will be about 15 years too late.
Just read through the NYTimes caucus thread.
Leading reader comment sentiments:
1) Cheney looks shovel ready.
2) People would love to see Bush and Cheney together again. At the Hague.
3) Law enforcement missed an opportunity to arrest some of these critters for war crimes.
Elizabelle
Here’s link to the NYTimes Caucus blog piece.
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/16/bush-and-cheney-reunite-at-library-groundbreaking/
Mike in NC
But where will they bury the evil bastard? Wyoming is one hell of a trek for those of us with weak bladders.
debbie
With his crack about “shovel-ready,” he can’t die soon enough for me.
Mnemosyne
@Sasha:
Blaming the dead guy worked for Jeff Skilling from Enron, so they’ll probably try it.
bjacques
He looks like he’s at Death’s door. I hope the doctors pull him through.
The endings of every issue of Tales From the Crypt, Haunt of Fear House of Mystery and Weird War^H^H^HDeferment Tales come to mind…and probably can’t compete with his own final thoughts.
Maody
@HRA: sorry for your loss. my husband weighed 92 pounds at death and looked worse. Cheney is a mean son of a bitch and a torture advocate and one of many ruinators of us being one of even a teensy tiny bit of non-hypocritical signatories to the geneva conventions.
Judith Preeth
Ding Dong! The Dick is dead! Which old Dick? The Wicked Dick!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Dick is dead.
Wake up – sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Dick is dead. He’s gone where the goblins go,
Below – below – below. Yo-ho, let’s open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’ the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Dick is dead!
Quaker in a Basement
Wait. Is “morbid” another word for “drunk”?
AuldBlackJack
They’ll make him sound like a kinder, gentler version of Jimmy Carter.
Ironically, when Carter’s time comes (hopefully many, many years from now) he’ll be portrayed as a bigger dick than Dick.
Nothing, but nothing is allowed to deviate from the official village narrative.
Evolved Deep Southerner
@John PM: “Shovel-ready.”
I am SO stealing that, dude. Sorry. Come sue me for copyright infringement if you can find me.
Wintermute
The important thing to remember, and to remind all the other Right Wing Corporatist Authoritarian scum is this:
Even the evil die. There is no escape for you. Your life and your efforts are wasted in negativity and nihilism and our world will be brighter without you to pollute it.
I only hope his name lasts forever, like Ephialtes or Rasputin or Quisling. I truly hope that the name Cheney finds its immortality.
Let that be my curse for a dying man.
Mr Stagger Lee
I want Mike Malloy to give the eulogy.
mai naem
Reading through this thread, all that came in my mind was “and I thought I hated Cheney!?!?”
TuiMel
@Belafon (formerly anonevent):
Indispensable men, too.
CircleSquared
@gypsy howell: And for half an hour after.
IronyAbuonds
The motherfucking war criminal will probably die on December 31st just to avoid any estate tax.
Phoenician in a time of Romans
I wouldn’t mind giving a eulogy over Chaney’s grave. And by “eulogy” I mean bowel movement.
thedeadcanary
I think all bloggers should link to Dylan’s “Masters of War” to be played over and over the day Cheney dies.