I’m absolutely sound asleep. For some reason, Tunch decides to jump up on the right side of the bed, walk across my head, and wake me up. Normally, he sleeps on the left side of the bed on his pillow, but tonight, at 3:15, he decides the right side of the bed is his entry point. And he makes sure that all four of his paws hit my face on his way to his bedspace.
I’m now completely awake, and realize I am missing a lump. Lily is right where she is supposed to be, curled in a little ball, underneath my right arm, snoring into my armpit. But Rosie is missing. She should be right by my right hip/thigh, but she is not. I lie there for a little bit, trying to not be concerned, but things are amiss. I yell for her- “Rosie- bed time!” Nothing.
So I get up and walk all around the house. I search everywhere. She is nowhere to be found. I begin to panic. “Did I leave her outside?” I go outside and yell for her. Nothing. I then really freak out, put my shoes on, and inspect the yard and make sure both doors of the fence are closed. Still no Rosie.
Mind you, this is the dog I did not want and found and had to spend two years rehabilitating before she was somewhat sociable, as she was so abused before I found her abandoned in the middle of the road. At this point, I am vacillating between pissed off and worried.
I now pull out the big guns and yell “TREATS.” Lily comes running, and I give her a treat. Still, no Rosie.
Finally, I break down and use the only tool I have left, which is to yell “WHO WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK?” Lily nearly potties herself in excitement, because let’s face it, 3 am walks don’t happen. And then, in the distance, I hear Rosie’s collar jangling, and the bitch comes upstairs from the basement. Normally, she will not walk downstairs ever because she is afraid of the steps. Tonight? Different story.
What was she doing down there? I have no idea. All I know is my animals schemed to get a walk at 3:30, because I can’t use the “WHO WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK” charade and not produce.
And thus, a fat, half asleep, very pissed off dog owner walked his dogs in his bathrobe at 3:30 in the morning.
All of this is Tunch’s fault for waking me.
KD
Rosie does this all the time, it’s just that Tunch doesn’t wake you.
baxie
best update ever.
WAR, TUNCH!
Biscuits
I thought Rosie was crated at night. Can we haz pics?
Poopyman
What KD said.
And I’m only up because the power finally came back on. We’re on a well. Have you ever truly thanked your toilet for working?
JoyceH
I love this story.
Poopyman
Bonus for Tunch. He gets the whole bed to himself while the girls are out walking the fat man.
Biscuits
Poopyman, for my 42nd birthday our sewer line ruptured and had to be replaced. We could only use our toilettes for teh pee. We had to rely on our neighbor’s kindness for our “other business”. Two days later and $4000.00 poorer, we had full capacity. Best birthday present ever!
Yes, indoor plumbing is awesome!
Mustang Bobby
Sam used to pull that kind of stuff. We’re in bed, I’m fast asleep, he’d scratch his ear, which shook his collar, which made his dogtags rattle with enough noise to wake the dead. I turn on the light, he’d look at me with a “Who, me?” expression and then, “Well, as long as you’re up…”
Ten years gone, and I miss the little guy every day.
Enjoy your walk, John.
Taylor
SOP in our household.
About 4am, the cat wakes up the dog, who then starts making threatening noises like “You don’t wanna know what I’m gonna do if you don’t take me outside,” followed by breakfast.
When the dog is inclined to roll over and give the cat the finger, the feline resorts to the ass-and-tail-in-the-face trick.
Bastard.
seaboogie
Thank you John Cole. These critters of ours, and how we nest together….
This reminds me of a July 4th a couple of years ago when the fireworks on the city by the bay had finally died down and I decided to let my sweet golden boy Seamus out to pee…and then some asshole neighbor let off some personal fireworks – leading Seamus to bolt in a panic – which resulted in me climbing the hills of our (former) super tony little town alternately calling for Seamus and shouting “Fuck you, mother-fuckers” (there may have been some wine involved) until Seamus finally descended from the hills to return home.
Anne Laurie
Cole, you probably want to bring work gloves & a hazmat container when you go down to investigate the basement later today. If Rosie was willing to risk the scary stairs (the old-fashioned kind with no risers, right?) there is almost certainly something horrible down there waiting to surprise you. Whether Tunch brought home a ‘trophy’ or some storm-stricken varmint just crawled in there to die, you probably want to go looking for it before the stench comes looking for you…
drunken hausfrau
is it cooler in the basement? given the temps you have been having, I’d live in a cool basement…
also, my pug is a “sleep-in” dog — loves to stay in bed! But, I have teenage daughter and son who don’t go to bed on time and/or wake in the night to play some stupid computer game at 3 am — and that pisses off the dog, who barks, and then mom wakes up and barks at said teenagers… everyone goes back to sleep except mom, who then doesn’t sleep at all.
then they wonder why I am crabby.
mark
the cat was warning you that the dog was up to no good. duh
Sunnyjane
Funniest story I’ve ever heard! We have two dogs and a cat. The cat rules! The dogs sleep in the kitchen/laundry room and the cat sleeps in my office. Peace reigns all night — well, unless there’s a thunder storm, then all hell breaks loose.
Valdivia
John you’re a mensch. That is all.
Arclite
@Anne Laurie:
John, I’m with Anne Laurie on this one. I bet by noon tomorrow you’re on Amazon ordering one of these door closers for the basement.
Raven
Two months ago Bohdi woke us up at 3am. A pipe on the clawfoot tub had popped off and the bathroom was filling with water. Fortunately the 100 year old heart pine floor was able to take it without damage. Good doggie!
Tim in SF
Now that I have a dog, I like stories like this even more.
runt
You don’t keep pets, Cole, they keep you. Time to assert yourself and show them who wears the pants and has the opposable thumbs.
And about that basement: Chances are there is – or was – something edible/nice and chewy down there.
BD of MN
This is exactly why our bedtime routine is “cats out, dogs in”…
dance around in your bones
Since I am up at 3:34am due to coming off the pain meds from my broken hip surgery, I thought I’d check in at BJ and see what’s shakin’.
John, you never disappoint. I love the image of you out there walking your girls in your bathrobe in the wee hours…..you are a mensch. (But I guess someone already said that, so……seconded!!)
P.S. Do your neighbors think you are ….ah…..strange?
Linda Featheringill
Apparently WV still has power. Good for them.
Linda Featheringill
@dance around in your bones:
How you doin’, Dance? Long time, no see.
dance around in your bones
@Linda Featheringill:
It’s been a long hard slog, but I am getting better day by day……so many life changes in such a short time kinda threw me for a loop, but…..I’m coping!
Thank you for asking; that’s one of the things I love about this blog…..people care.
They say the only constant is change, no? Boy, did I get a lesson in THAT!!
Phylllis
@dance around in your bones: Hey girl, good to see you in these parts.
dance around in your bones
@Phylllis:
Thank you…..I’ve been lurking constantly, just not up to commenting. Stuff happens. I appreciate the ‘welcome back’.
I DO have 3 grandsons that I live with, ages 6 and under that alternately give me big happies and big ARRGGGHS….well, ya just gotta cope.
Rosalita
It’s a good thing they’re so damn cute. My year old kitteh gets me up first light every day for eats: pat, pat, pat, “oh hai!! food?’
p.a.
This would make a great movie opening. Fade-in to schlub in bathrobe walking dogs down street in middle of night, grumbling to himself… I may buy “Idiots’ Guide to Screenplays” today. Maybe a ‘Dogs and Cats’ type treatment, Tunch obviously as the evil mastermind, Lily as the lead counteragent, Cole in the Rick Moranis part, and Rosie channeling Joe Pesci. Too derivative? Hah! This is Hollywood, babe. Or how about a twist on the ‘pets travel home’ theme: as he’s walking the dogs, Cole is kidnapped by a cadre of Eagle Forum commandos. The dogs escape home, but Cole and Charles Johnson are held in an undisclosed location to be reprogrammed into wingnuttia. They escape, and now we have a buddy movie as they try to get back while being hunted. Hey, they make Adam Sandler movies, why not this?
amk
Crate all the cretins and go to sleep man.Jeez.
RossInDetroit
I got up around 3:00 am to stumble into the bathroom. Left the lights off to avoid waking my wife. Right inside the doorway I stepped on the dog, who has never been known to sleep there. White dog on a white marble floor, totally invisible in the near dark.
He ALWAYS sleeps on my wife’s bed when she’s home but must have decamped to the cool stone floor because of the heat. We both got a surprise.
Randy P
A very useful philosophy I developed as a parent and pet owner was “Never ask a question that you don’t want to hear the answer to.”
This might be one of those questions, in which case I suppose sooner or later you’re going to have to go down and look for what might have interested her.
Or it might just be that it’s because the floor is cool down there, especially if you don’t have A/C.
dr. bloor
Lucky man. All four of our cats are convinced the fastest way from one side of our bed to the other is across my junk.
Yep. Just be thankful she was alone when she came up from the basement.
gnomedad
You’ve drunk-blogged before, but this is really impressive.
becca
I read this post to mrbecca and had to spell W-A-L-K, as our five dogs were present and I didn’t want to start a stampede.
maya
Just remember not to wear a hoodie with that bathrobe on your 3:30 AM dog walks, John.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@dance around in your bones: I hope things are going as well as they can in your world.
Thanks for the chuckle Cole; you are indeed a mensch. I third Anne Laurie’s suggestion that you investigate the basement before it becomes imperative, as announced by ung*dly odor.
shortstop
bwa ha ha ha ha ha.
Patricia Kayden
I hope John puts all his hilarious/touching pet stories into a book. I would buy it!
dance around in your bones
@a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q):
Gads, I’m surprised and pleased that anyone remembers me around here, for all the light commenting I’ve done. ¡Gracias!
Signed, Faithful Reader of the Wondrous BJ
P.S. I’m doing better and better every day. I just had/have to adjust to not having my life partner with me any more, and then the hip thing was the cherry on top. The 3 grandkids are…..alternately exhilarating and exasperating (I never get to ‘give them back’, hahahahhaha)
mattH
@mark: This. And don’t you forget it. One of our cats will come and sit at the foot of the bed on days where my wife doesn’t have to get up and go to work, just to be sure. This isn’t to say they are angels, but they know.
Gemina13
Yep, John, you’re a mensch.
Lucky has discovered that plaintive mews no longer wake me up. So now he hooks his claws into the boxspring and rips at the fabric, knowing I’ll come out of a coma to scold him for that.
ET
Cats really good instigators aren’t they?
ET
Cats really good instigators aren’t they?
Maude
@Raven:
I have a claw foot tub. I always glance under the pipes. Just in case.
At least John didn’t lock himself out of his house.
quannlace
Why do I see that as a Hitchcock cameo in one of his movies?
**************
Oooh, yeah. Last week, Local utility told us the water would be shut off for about four hours , to do some upgrade work. Filled one of my enormous stew pots with water; figured if it went longer, I could use it to flush the john.(3-4 gallons will give you a clear flush.) By the time I needed to use the facilities, the water was back on. Used the water in the pot anyway; worked like a charm.
I’d rather be without electricity than water.
Mnemosyne
I find it fascinating that all of the critters get along well enough that Tunch is willing to conspire with Rosie to get what they both want. So much for cats and dogs automatically hating each other.
dance around in your bones
Ya know, I lived in Mexico for over a decade. We got used to occasional power outages, but I can never remember one lasting over a day or two. We always prepared by keeping a large container of water on the back porch and a healthy supply of candles in the cupboard. Somehow we survived.
Now I’m back in the USSA (haha) and hearing about these power outages kinda freaks me out.
BarbF
Rosie is no dummy. This was an intricate plot involving her and Tunch.
Tunch got a feline’s self satisfaction when torturing, Rosie got a walk.
Lily said she’d just play dumb but was secretly grinning.
Trinity
Tunch…for the lulz!
Dave Trowbridge
“All I know is my animals schemed to get a walk at 3:30, because I can’t use the “WHO WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK” charade and not produce.”
Actually, intermittent reinforcement is a very powerful training tool. Paradoxically, occasionally not following through will make the “charade” actually work better.
MikeInSewickley
I’m still groggy this morning from one of our cats (Charlie Wilson but known as “The King”) deciding he wants fed at 4:15AM.
And he gets his way because he barks, yes barks, like a dog. First cat we’ve ever had that barks instead of meows.
So I share your pain this morning.
LanceThruster
I am a bit of an insomniac and I loved how special it made my Dalmatian “Chief” feel when we would go for a leisurely stroll enjoying the stillness of the sleeping neighborhood (save for the non-stop Rove-alert of the dogs letting every one of their bretheren for miles know we were “on the move”).
In that regard, I always wondered if *I* could get in trouble for going on these graveyard shift walks because I made the neighbors’ dogs literally go ape-shit merely by my presence.
Anonymous At Work
Sounds more like your dogs pwned you than anything else, John. Besides, a co-dependent JRT, even one not as bright as Rosie, would never stray too far too long to worry at 3am.
MTiffany
Rosie’s running an afterhours in your basement, Cole.
Bobby C
Full moon madness. That’s what it is I tells ya.
The Other Chuck
What’s she _building_ in there?
JWL
You felt obligated to take the walk at 3:30 AM? You’re out of your mind. Next time, go back to sleep.
LongHairedWeirdo
Tunch probably planned it – not for Rosie, just for the Stupid Human Tricks.
“Hey, cat-buds. Wanna see a good way to freak out the humans? See, his dog is sleeping down in the basement… now, believe it or not, all I have to do is wake him up, and he’ll freak!”
Pepper Urbaniak
Best Post Ever!