Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Something needs to be done about our bogus SCOTUS.

This has so much WTF written all over it that it is hard to comprehend.

“Can i answer the question? No you can not!”

Meanwhile over at truth Social, the former president is busy confessing to crimes.

Putting aside our relentless self-interest because the moral imperative is crystal clear.

In my day, never was longer.

The words do not have to be perfect.

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

Within six months Twitter will be fully self-driving.

Republicans don’t want a speaker to lead them; they want a hostage.

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn.

Despite his magical powers, I don’t think Trump is thinking this through, to be honest.

No one could have predicted…

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

The arc of history bends toward the same old fuckery.

if you can’t see it, then you are useless in the fight to stop it.

The GOP couldn’t organize an orgy in a whorehouse with a fist full of 50s.

Republicans are radicals, not conservatives.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

Consistently wrong since 2002

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

You are here: Home / Open Threads / I’ll find us a way to make light

I’ll find us a way to make light

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For most of my career, I have been a fixer. More the makes a few calls, has a quiet lunch, bends a few ears kind of fixer than the kind that sidles in the back door and puts six bullets in the problem’s head.

That kind of malarkey was fine and dandy, and frankly a bit of a buzz when I was a 27 year old girl clearing the forests of Baden-Württemberg of an infestation of Kthanid-worshipping Himmler clones, or a 35 year old woman putting the frighteners on the odd racist dickhead Democrat governor for Ike. When I turned 50, I made a new rule to turn down any job that meant I had to put down my drink.

I have no shame. I’ll stack branches, and queer primaries, and have quiet words with people which inspire a sudden interest in them in employment opportunities in the ice fishing industry. I’ll work for anyone who can pay my fees, and I’m not cheap, although nowadays there’s rarely anything so crass as payment in cash.

Five days ago, I got the call I have been expecting since day two of Cleveland Hatefest ’16.

My client is am old man with old money. Before his family became an old Republican family, they were an old Whig family, and before that an old National Republican family, and before even that an old Jeffersonian Republican family. They’ve been on the grift for so long, they collect rent on just over 1% of the continental United States

Some of you may wonder how I write the things I write over here, and still get calls from the Republicans. The answer is simple and comes in two parts – first, the 90% of the Republican Party that think they run the Republican Party don’t read lefty blogs like this, and even if they did they would assume it was some bolshevik pretending to be me to destroy my reputation. More importantly, I don’t work for them because they can’t afford me.

I will work with the other 10% of the Republicans, the ones who actually own the party – or at least own the trusts that own the companies that own the consultants that own the Republican Party – they know that what I write is true. The thing is, they don’t care. It’s not their names or reputations that I am holding up to ridicule – these are not the kind of people who give press conferences or do anything so vulgar as joining a committee. So long as the faces of the Party keep drumming up business, so long as the rubes continue donating, so long as they cash they funnel off keeps trickling down into bank vaults in Bern and Barbados, they don’t care about anything else.

Still, getting me involved is not without risks, so a call from this client means only one thing. They’re fucked and they would like me to come take the two foot dildo out of their Party’s arse, or at least swap it out for something a little less challenging so early on in the evening.

The first thing Mr James said – I’ll call him Mr James because that’s not his name – the very first thing was, “We’ve got more cock up us than a two dollar whore at Christmas.”

“Rude. I blame the eggnog.”

“I wish I could blame the fucking eggnog. He’s out of control. He can’t fucking stop talking. And he’s going to fuck us hard and dry and with a complete absence of lube or snuggling for the next three months.”

“You’re only just realising this? The man has been dementing since Marla got him in the skull with a bottle of Cristal. How did you let him win?”

“Have you seen the team we fielded at the primaries? Fuckups, slow kids, racists, cockheads and loons.”

“And some of them all five. Including the one you ended up with.”

Mr James laughed. There was a hint of hysteria in it. “We didn’t choose him. We tried to derail him all the way, but he’s what the voters of the Republican party wanted.”

“The voters the Republican party spent the last fifty years winnowing down to fuckups, slow kids, racists, cockheads and loons?”

“Don’t quote my words back to me, he snapped. A sigh. “Yes, them. Their brains are hard wired to accept whatever we tell them, and now what we’re telling them, thanks to Fucknuts, is “Burn it all down”. Three more months of this and the highest Republican elected official in America will be some toothless cuntweasel called Joe from Boise who got hisself elected Commissioner of Sticking His Thumb up His Ass. It’s not good for business.”

“Have the RNC boot him out.”

Silence on the other end of the line. We tried to outwait the other. I lost.

“I can’t, and won’t, help him win.”

“We don’t want him to win. Are you fucking mad, woman? Just meet with him, work out if he can somehow make it through the next three months without killing us all, otherwise what it will take to get him out. Drugs, money, hookers, a fucking mountain named after him, Chris Christie’s dick on a platter, whatever – he can shut his fat gob and lose gracefully, or retire hurt, we don’t give a fuck either way.”

“And if he won’t?”

“Then I quite fancy the idea of becoming a Whig. Burn it down.”

So here I sit, kiddies, up the front of the big QANTAS plane, sipping Pol Roger on the RNC’s tab and flirting with the hosties, who have just discovered the little pharmacopoeia I carry round with me, as I wing my way to meet the Donald. I hope he isn’t still annoyed about that birth certificate thing.

Bottoms up!

Reader Interactions

59Comments

  7. 7.

    JPL

    The NYTimes has an article about Trump, Fred Trump Taught His Son the Essentials of Showboating Self-Promotion

    At Fred Trump’s wake, at the Frank E. Campbell funeral home, his son stepped forward to address the political, real estate and society power brokers in the crowd. One attendee recalled Mr. Trump’s unorthodox ode to his father, which Mr. Trump confirmed……………………………………………………….
    “My father taught me everything I know. And he would understand what I’m about to say,” Mr. Trump announced to the room. “I’m developing a great building on Riverside Boulevard called Trump Place. It’s a wonderful project.”

  15. 15.

    Ultraviolet Thunder

    If only it was this easy. Unfortunately for the GOP even if they could get rid of The Donald there’s still the problem of their voters. The folks they’ve spent a generation brainwashing into reflexively pulling the lever for racist dickheads. First it was the Tea Party, but the GOP managed to co-opt and absorb most of them. Keep them nominally inside the tent. But their voters will keep going for the crazy because it’s all they know. The GOP kept force feeding them the Kool-Aid and now they’re going to relieve themselves all over the place.

  17. 17.

    sherparick

    CNN and the Times are running typical “Clinton Scandal” story. A lot of hush tones, raised eye brows, and comments about “appearance of impropriety,” but actual violations of ethics laws or regulations, no, nothing there.

    1. On a weekend, on her own time, and buying the tickets with her own money, Ms. Cheryl Mills, then Secretary Clinton’s Chief of Staff went up in June of 2012 to conduct interviews of two executives, one from Walmart, and another another Fortune 500, for positions on the Board of the Clinton Foundation.

    2. She did not receive compensation from the Foundation.

    3. Nothing she did concerned a particular matter before the State Department.

    4. And it allows CNN to slip in that there had been a preliminary inquiry into a bank, the Clinton Foundation donor, and the Foundation that Justice had not even pursued and not related to anything Ms. Mills did, but it does allow lots of “tut, tuting” “it looks bad” and to run a video of the Orange Hair Yam saying “Crooked Hillary” repeatedly.

  18. 18.

    sm*t cl*de

    and frankly a bit of a buzz when I was a 27 year old girl clearing the forests of Baden-Württemberg of an infestation of Kthanid-worshipping Himmler clones

    My mother had stories about that crazy girl she met up in the Slovakian Tatras back about that time.

  19. 19.

    Iowa Old Lady

    @satby: OK. Since it’s an open thread, yesterday I posted that Mr IOL was a bridge tournament where Buffet and Gates were also playing. Someone asked if B&G are partners, and the answer turns out to be no. Also, Mr IOL will not play against them because bridge reasons. This is the only time in his life Mr IOL will be able to say he’s in the same league with Gates and Buffet.

  21. 21.

    MattF

    @Ultraviolet Thunder: And this is the big reason they can’t just ‘drop’ Trump– they’d lose 40% of R voters. Libertarians + Neocons + evangelicals aren’t enough to support a viable alternative to Dems.

  24. 24.

    Keith P.

    So now, after repeatedly affirming that Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS, he’s now tweeting that he was only being sarcastic. This should be a fun day.

  25. 25.

    Baud

    @Keith P.: Even the media is on it. Looks weak. The worst thing Donald can project.

    The news also had a clip of Clinton essentially calling Donald a scaredy cat, drawing a contrast to our Olympic team.

  26. 26.

    Gin & Tonic

    @Iowa Old Lady: That was me who asked, thanks for answering.

    The heat and my insomnia kept me from sleeping very much, but reading the overnight reports I can’t help wondering if Sarah may also earn a few rubles on the side – Vladimir Vladimirovich has sacked his chief of staff, Sergei Ivanov. And we’re back to cold-war-era Kremlinology, trying to figure out what is going on inside. This will be interesting.

  27. 27.

    MattF

    @Baud: Olympics at the same time as Trump’s meltdown is a happy accident. I don’t expect Katie Ledecky to endorse Hilz (although her Bethesda home is a blue city in a blue county in a blue state) but the example of a young woman overtaking the young men is irresistable

    ETA: And thank you.

  30. 30.

    wormtown

    When I turned 50, I made a new rule to turn down any job that meant I had to put down my drink.

  35. 35.

    satby

    For Stonekettle Station fans, Jim Wright has been pretty actively writing on his FB page (thanks Ben Cisco for linking yesterday). I followed him on FB and have been enjoying ever since. If you have FB, can’t recommend his page enough.

  36. 36.

    WereBear

    @Ultraviolet Thunder: I am no fan of Goldwater, but he at least had the sense to keep the organized lunatics (Birchers, Fundies, conspiracy theorists) waaaaay outside the tent, because they are plague carriers. They are the boot stuck in the machinery, forever.

    Desperation made the Republicans take them on board, but as always, they look for the short term solution and ignore the long term problems.

  38. 38.

    Thoughtful David

    @MattF:
    It’s worse than 40% that they’d lose. The polls show that 70% of Republicans support Trump. If they disavow him, they disavow their party.
    This also points to the fact that we need to make fvcking sure that Trump is hung like an albatross around every one of their gorram necks.

  42. 42.

    WereBear

    @satby: Yeah, “longing for Goldwater” is something I never thought I’d do :)

    In other news, guys, I’m three weeks into an actual diagnosis for my mysterious and frustrating health condition, and not a moment too soon, #letmetellya. It’s congenital and chronic and now I have to recruit help managing it; it’s rare so that’s going to be a challenge for me to accomplish in my area.

    But it is a huge relief, and there are far worse things it could have been, and so far I am verbally beating my insurance company into agreeing to pay for much of it. Did Richard Mayhew ever do his post on getting insurance to pay for rare, out of network, conditions?

    If not, I will nudge him about it.

  43. 43.

    sunny raines

    he can shut his fat gob and lose gracefully

    1) trump and graceful are not possible together. For one thing – trump despises anything graceful. trump is all about getting attention, not praise. trump will never be within a million light years of graceful.

    2) in trump’s mind [such as it is], he wins in two scenarios: a) he wins, or b) he burns down the republican party. Graceful exit is the only scenario where in his view, he loses.

    good luck with that republicans…can’t say you don’t deserve to reap hellfire and destruction for all the disgusting indecency you’ve sown for decades.

  44. 44.

    MomSense

    @satby:

    I am at a loss right now. At least I have a job currently but I need to find something else just for sanity preservation and I’d really like to move to a district with a better high school.

  46. 46.

    Fester Addams

    I’m too disgusted to check myself; has any reporter looked up the meaning of the word sarcasm?

    Wouldn’t the implication be that Trump is claiming he was mocking anyone stupid enough to think PBO founded ISIS–i.e. his voters?

  51. 51.

    danielx

    Their brains are hard wired to accept whatever we tell them, and now what we’re telling them, thanks to Fucknuts, is “Burn it all down”.

    Well, yes. That would seem to sum up the situation nicely.

  52. 52.

    mainmata

    @Baud: American Whigs adopted their name from the British Whigs who were the progressives of their day (peaked in the 1830s-1850s, same period as the American Whigs). “Whig’ is a Scottish word used as a verb to urge a horse forward (go figure).

  53. 53.

    Miss Bianca

    @Baud: you’ll know better next time, won’t you? I wonder if SP&T is part of that “come to Jesus” tent-revival meeting that’s supposed to be taking place. Sounds like she’ll be taking the part of the venomous serpents. CANNOT. WAIT.

  55. 55.

    jl

    So, Sarah Proud and Tall is really Mitt Romney? Or John Huntsman? Or, Bobdole? (or, I guess, one of their advisers) Is that what this post is about?

    Anyway, seems like Trump thinks the politics is a reality show. He seems to be rampaging around backstage complaining that he doesn’t like the story line of the general election. It is boring, he can’t do his act, his best bits, all the great variations on the sketches that made him famous, get good angles, punchliines, and skits to show off his talents. Now, the primary was a damn good show, good ratings, lots of attention. Lots of ‘faces’ he could take down and get all the applause lines.

    Hey, in the general election, where are all the good skits and applause lines? Why does he have to spend so much time playing the straight man. Isn’t Hillary the straight? WTF is going on. It’s a lousy show and he doesn’t want any part of a boring ass loser production. And, since when is he not The Star?

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