(This is a guest post by valued commenter Sister Golden Bear.)
As I mentioned in the comments, today is Transgender Day of Visibility, held every March 31, intended to honor and celebrate transgender and gender non-conforming people (GNC) — both those visible and those invisible.
It started a decade ago but only took off a few years ago, and is intended as a complement to the annual Nov. 20 Transgender Day of Remembrance, which honors the memories of that year’s victims of anti-trans violence — usually always all trans women, the vast majority of them trans women of color, in particular Black trans women. For years, TDOR was the only national/international event for trans people, and while it is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, it’s also, needless to say, more than a bit depressing. Hence TDOV, which focuses on the living.
It’s all too rare that trans/GNC people have chance to celebrate who we are, and it’s also a chance to express our defiance of attempts to eradicate us from public life (the Talibaptists have a literal five-point plan to do so, and under the Trump administration, and red state governments, they’ve made significant progress on several fronts).
But perhaps the most important aspect is being visible. These days roughly 37 percent of Americans know someone who’s trans/GNC. Think you don’t know someone trans, well you actually probably do. There’s still an unfortunately-huge number of us who never leave the closet, and for those who do, there’s can often be a desire to fly under the radar, to blend in. For those in red states, this can be a matter of literal survival. But it’s also because — unlike coming out as LGB, which tells who people who you are — coming out as trans, invariably puts the focus on who you were. At least for a binary trans woman like me, i.e. I’m someone who prefers to be seen as a woman who’s trans.
OTOH, there are definitely trans people who are out and proud, and don’t care about that. There are GNC folks — who may also refer to themselves as non-binary or genderqueer — who are proud to be out and visible. (As well as those GNC people who struggle with being visibly “betwixt and between” which can be an enormously hard place to be.) There’s also trans people who can’t be invisible even if they wanted to, because they physically can’t blend in — most of us weren’t blessed by the androgyny fairy — and being “visibly trans” can be an exceedingly hard life. And some of us trans/GNC folks have had no choice but to be visible and fight like hell for our rights and humanity (to quote from the fierce and fearless Black trans advocate, Monica Roberts, whose blog is well worth following).
Personally, this TDOV, I’m feeling quite ambivalent about being visible — even if for years my motto has been “visible for those who can’t be” — for personal reasons that I go into at my blog. The tl:dr version is that 1) while my divorce from masculinity may have been amicable, the past three years still have been hugely stressful with trans issues dominating my life, and I’d like to a break from that; 2) I’m facing a Catch-22 where the more I writing and activism I do, the more “being trans” becomes the thing that defines me, when I’d rather it be the third or fourth most interesting thing about me.
I’m not quite sure how to square that circle, but this Teen Vogue article by 11-year-old trans girl about how visibility has changed her life inspires me to figure a way to do so. 11-year-old me didn’t even know that trans — or trans people — existed. I just knew that I was “different” and thought I was the only one in the world. I don’t want trans kids today to know that feeling. My hope is that we “late-life transitioners” are the last of a lost generation, that the younger generations will have the freedom and support to find themselves without wasting decades of their lives.
Unfortunately, we still have a long ways to go — a 2018 study found that up to half of trans/GNC teens attempt suicide. It’s hard to swim in a sea of poison without swallowing some. And so we fight.
Anyway…. this originally was going to be more of a Trans/GNC 101, but as the writers among the jackaltariat know, sometimes stories decide on their own where they’ll go. I’m still happy to do a trans 101/ask me anything in the comments. I need to go out for a bit, but I’ll do my best to reply.
(Huge thanks to Sister Golden Bear for this!)
Millard Filmore
“held every May 31”
Not to be picky picky picky, but this is March 31. Is this post early?
(I am easily confused.)
zhena gogolia
Thank you. I’m proud to say I belong to a church in which we talked about this today — I wouldn’t have known about it otherwise.
This administration’s ban on transgender people in the military is one of the most prominent examples of its gratuitous cruelty and evil.
zhena gogolia
@Millard Filmore:
You’re right, it’s March 31, today.
Major Major Major Major
@Millard Filmore: @zhena gogolia: Fixed, thanks.
SiubhanDuinne
Thank you so much for this post (and for journaling, and sharing with us, your own gender reassignment adventures).
Last year, when I renewed my driver’s license (in Georgia, no less!), I was pleased to see a screen on the computer renewal form that said something like:
So nice to see “Gender” just matter-of-factly listed in there instead of making the question a big humiliating song and dance.
J R in WV
Thanks to Sister Golden Bear AND to Major^4 for this post. I did not know about these days of respect.
Best wishes to all our Trans/GNC neighbors and friends today.
Bill Arnold
Thanks for this and for the links. The HuffPo link (2016) is particularly helpful.
A collection of other links would be followed/read by many of us. (Also by web spiders/crawlers including search engines.)
ThresherK
After about 20 years of fixing our cars, being on my Christmas cookies list, and such, my mechanic came out to me as trans last year.
She knew my wife and I for two decades. We have a nodding acquaintance with her wife (that wife and I are both radio hams). But of all the things I know of her, and she of me, this was one she kept hidden.
This goes to show the experience I can never pretend to have gone thru and don’t dismiss. I’m a white guy, decently tall, married, in the suburbs. I blend in. I don’t have to worry about people “othering” me.
Best wishes to all of our trans friends.
Lyrebird
@J R in WV: Hear, hear.
There’s an overpriced grocery store near where I live now, I think some call it Whole Paycheck, and although I have mixed feelings about shopping there, one of the reasons I keep going back is because they employ several people who are sfaik out trans folk who were not “blessed by the androgyny fairy”.
I have had several trans colleagues, and in my line of work I sometimes get to teach about cultures with more than 2 traditional gender identities, but that doesn’t make me fully educated.
I remember a commenter here teaching me/us what “clocking” is. Felt guilty because I have done double takes that the other person could certainly have detected, adding to their daily burden. Note that I am totally not saying I wish the commenter had not posted her edifying comments back then! Sometimes guilt is an appropriate response. Can’t change the past I guess, can try to be an active ally.
Thank you Sister Golden Bear and thank you Major^4!
And from your lips to the FSM’s ears on this:
eclare
Thank you so much Sister Golden Bear for helping to educate us. Stacey Abrams just tweeted about TDOV.
Dan B
We were at a fundraiser last night for a documentary about a friend of ours, Ric Weiland, who was Microsoft’s second employee. He was a goofy, hunky, nerdy guy who stood up early in the tech industry for LGBT people. The documentary makers did ‘Finding Kim’ about a Trans man that has won some awards.
It’s great to have this day of visibility and this wonderful post.
There were a number of us Stonewall era pioneers who got to share what we did with the 20 something documenatry makers and their friends and a few 80 something philanthropists. Us oldsters lived through invisibility, or rather, survived it.
SiubhanDuinne
@zhena gogolia:
You mentioned this in an earlier thread. Please don’t answer if it feels intrusive* but would you mind saying what kind of church? I’m not exactly shopping, but would be interested to know which denominations welcome non-mainstream members of the community.
*Or email me if you prefer at SiubhanDuinne (at) gmail (dot) com.
Sister Golden Bear
@Millard Filmore: You sir are correct, it’s March 31. Typo Bear is typoing (damn you allergies!). If a FPer could fix that, I’d be much obliged.
ETA: Ignore since it’s already been fixed.
Mary G
I had a dear friend in the 80s who called me up out of the blue to tell me she was going to transition and I did a terrible thing – I laughed and said “you’re kidding, right?” She was a burly man, about 6’4″ with a bushy black beard and I could just not imagine it. Of course, when it became obvious she was serious I apologized profusely many, many times and helped with money when the software company where she was working fired her because “the other guys were uncomfortable.”
She finally told me to stop apologizing because the first time I saw her in a dress and makeup, I said “Oh, now I see, <strong this is the real you.” I didn’t even remember doing that, but it made me feel better. So my bad habit of speaking before I think worked out. That time.
There is still a long way to go in this country, but to the 15-year-old housemate and his girlfriend it’s no big deal, and they will occasionally be kind enough to explain things like “gender fluid” to me using their friends as examples.
LesGS
@zhena gogolia: Bringing this day of visibility forward was part of this morning’s service at my church as well. We do Trans Day of Remembrance as well, but it’s wonderful to have a day of positive acknowledgement rather than mourning. Although that’s important too.
Thanks, Sister Golden Bear, for writing this, and M^4 for front-paging it.
Aleta
my niece, our electrician, one (or more) of my doctors
zhena gogolia
@SiubhanDuinne:
United Church of Christ.
Odie Hugh Manatee
I see the gender identity of others as something that belongs to them, not me or anyone else. I don’t give a flying fuck about gender identity except to defend those who are attacked for only being who they are. Unfortunately the bullshit from people who can’t keep their noses out of the lives of others isn’t going to stop any time soon; So in the meantime…
have a very good day of being seen and accepted for who you are!
And fuck those who have a problem with it.
SiubhanDuinne
Hat tip to Christine Jorgensen.
I have a mildly funny story about her :-)
SiubhanDuinne
@zhena gogolia:
TVM.
Raoul
I’m going to put in a plug for PFund Foundation. I serve on the board. We fund scholarships and leadership development grants in a five state region in the upper Midwest.
We have been an LGBT founder for more than 30 years, but in the last several we’ve committed to Elevated Priorities:
> LGBTQ Indigenous, Black, and People of Color; Undocumented, First Generation, Immigrants, and New Americans
> Transgender & Gender Non-Conforming Communities
> LGBTQ North Dakotans and South Dakotans
In the past couple of years roughly half (or more) of our approx 30 annual grantees have been Trans* or GNC.
We just completed our application cycle for this fiscal year, but bookmark our site and mark your calendars if you are a queer upper midwesterner. Applications open again next fall.
In the meantime we can always use more community support. And if you like a party, our Moxie Awards will be Fri, Oct 25th in Minneapolis. Deets TBA this summer.
eta: Our board reflects our priorities. I’m one of a happily very small minority of white cis guys.
raven
This is a documentary about my friend Kade. I’ve known him all his life back to when he was Kate. The film is pretty old now and I think some folks don’t like grandma’s language but it’s a great example of what happens when a person is given love and support.
Just Call me Kade.
raven
@Odie Hugh Manatee: Hi
MomSense
Thank you for sharing this SGB. I’m really glad you did.
satby
@SiubhanDuinne: I’ve recently been attending a Unitarian Universalist church near me and it was part of the service there too. That congregation has several LGTB/GNC members.
The Farmers Market had our local group Trees, Inc in our community room yesterday as part of Transgender Visibility Day, doing some public outreach and education.
Dan B
@SiubhanDuinne: In Seattle 60% of churches are “welcoming and affirming”. UCC, Episcopal (most), Methodist (many), Presbyterian, First Baptist (most – varies by region), etc.
Raven
@satby: The Ten Suggestions!
Dorothy A. Winsor
Thanks, Sister. I truly appreciate the patience and generosity of those who take the time to educate me.
SiubhanDuinne
@Dan B:
That is truly awesome and beautiful for Seattle.
I live in Georgia.
Ohio Mom
@raven: That was a very sweet and brave little film. I hope Jade is doing well, that he found his niche and love — he must be what, in his 30’s now?
@Dorothy A. Winsor: That twitter story about the Etsy magic gloves was hilarious.
Raven
@Ohio Mom: Very well, Masters in Social Work at Temple and livin in Philly helping other folks.
Suzanne
I am fortunate to have many wonderful trans people in my life, not least Spawn the Elder and much of his friend cohort. Mr. Suzanne and I took the Spawns, StE’s girlfriend (also trans), and StY’s friend (adopted, biracial) to our local arts festival yesterday. I felt no fear about letting Spawn the Elder and his girlfriend roam around unattended, though I did require them to check in every hour. I thought about how lucky I am to live somewhere and in a more enlightened time where these teenagers can have some freedom and I am not constantly worried about them being victims of violence. We have been in other parts of the country where I am not so confident, and I will not put my kids and their friends through that.
eemom
Adding my thanks for this post.
On a positive note, my daughter, who’s 24, has several GNC friends, including a former roommate and childhood friend who I’d known as female when they were kids….any my daughter has sternly instructed me in the proper use of the pronoun “they”.
Dorothy A. Winsor
@Ohio Mom: Thank you. I had a good time writing it. We all need a laugh these days.
Raven
And in our local news
Queer Eye’ Guest, UGA Employee Sues University System Of Georgia For Employment Discrimination
A University of Georgia employee and alumnus was in federal court Feb. 6, suing the University System of Georgia and its health insurance provider, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, to get coverage for his gender reassignment surgery.
Skyler Jay (Musgrove) is transgender and has already undergone a mastectomy, which was covered on the popular Netflix series, “Queer Eye.”
Barbara
I have also come to this mostly through my kids. My younger daughter’s good friend in college began transitioning after his second year in college and has faced a lot of family and financial issues. He finds it especially painful that his parents won’t make the transition to his preferred name and gender pronoun, even though the nickname is one girls have been known to use to shorten his given name and they would probably be willing to use it if he were still she. They do support him in other ways so I hope they eventually get it. I apparently made his day when I didn’t recognize him and asked to be introduced when we ran into him on the street. So thanks for this and let’s hope the world keeps moving forward.
Dan B
@SiubhanDuinne: I believe that Atlanta is similar in the stance of their congregations. I’m doubtful that is true in the hinterlands. Seattle has had the benefit of decades of pro-LGBT organizing and a boatload of supportive groups and businesses. In the 70’s the Catholic Archbishop was very pro-gay. The church “fixed” that but the support remained among the parishoners and the second largest church, St. Joseph’s Cathedral had (has?) an openly gay priest. Our friend Ric Weiland gave $70 million to local and national LGBT groups so we got a big advantage. There are still those who di battle but they have enormous institutional and social blocks to overcome.
Jay
I was very fortunate. In my early 20’s my talented younger sister introduced me to gay guys. A GF introduced me to bi.
My first good job introduced me to trans, as a Senior Manager left the Company to transition, and HR handled it amazingly. There was no “clocking” on my part and after a week, I had forgotten that he had transitioned at all.
After my only divorce, bi/poly/GF, BDSM broadened my community, “Kink”, the book broadened my understanding,
And through all this I met the love of my life, and fell hard at first sight.
Thank you for being here, Sister Golden Bear and the rest of you jackals.
Sister Golden Bear
@Bill Arnold: FYI this is the FAQ I handed out at work when I transitioned three years ago, “Everything you always wanted to know about trans people but weren’t sure how to ask”:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/xoxvmtdx6zlciu6/Everything%20You%20Always%20Wanted%20To%20Know.pdf?dl=0
which has a 1-page bullet list summary, a couple pages of additional info for those who want it, and various links to additional articles.
@Lyrebird and @Mary G: That was unfortunate, but as had been said (in defense of calling out people on problematic behavior and language), “We didn’t know better then. We know better now.”
To springboard to a larger topic, anti-LGBT language was so pervasive, even among liberal folks only a few years ago, that we’re going to have to figure out a way to come to terms with that, especially in our pundits and candidates. I’m personally not in a purity pony for whom it’s an immediate disqualifier, but am I expecting those whose words/deeds are brought to light be willing to own it, apologize for it and make amends for it.
Jay
“but am I expecting those whose words/deeds are brought to light be willing to own it, apologize for it and make amends for it.”
????????
Sister Golden Bear
@Raoul: That’s awesome, and especially needed in that part of the country. (Not to reopen the “coastal elites” debate again, but I know far too many LGBT people who’ve fled the Midwest and South because they couldn’t see a future for themselves there.) Thanks for the heads-up.
@raven: Thanks for sharing. I hope Kade is doing well these days. I have hella respect for those who came out 15+ years ago. The world was a very different place, and I don’t know that I would’ve had the strength to do.
@Raven: Trans health care is a huge issue, especially as the Trump administration works to rollback what little we have (FTFNYT link: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/21/us/politics/trump-transgender-health-care.html).
My insurance, which is one of the better ones, covers my hormones but explicitly doesn’t cover any other trans healthcare procedure, except for sexual reassignment surgery, which they’re required to do by the state of California. And even then, they wouldn’t cover it because I had it done overseas. (Technically, they should be you have to pay out of pocket and then try to get reimbursed, which doesn’t leave you with much leverage.) The ironic thing being that the quality of care in Thailand, and the cost is far lower.
So I’ve ended up spending more than $100,000 out of pocket to make my body congruent with who I am. Needless to say, I’m extremely privileged to be able to afford to do so, and to have an employer who was OK with the necessary time off. Most trans people don’t have either luxury.
Sab
My mom passed on March 30, 2012. She didn’t know about these days, but she sure knew her youngest grandchild was thinking about trans. Love to both of them.
She was midwestern. Grandkid isn’t anymore.
Sister Golden Bear
@Barbara: I don’t want to come across as nit-picky, but I wanted to highlight a subtle thing that even many allies miss, naming that referring to “preferred name and gender pronoun” can be othering. Why? Cisgender people get “pronouns,” trans people get “preferred pronouns” — and yes, we do notice the difference.
I realize that it can be a little tricky to try to avoid in the sort of situation you’re describing, i.e. parents using someone’ given name, instead of the name they’ve chosen for themselves (or just “their name”), and the gender they were assigned at birth, rather than their gender, but you can use the same sort of phrasing that I just did.
SiubhanDuinne
@Sab:
{HUG} Such a tough anniversary.
Gin & Tonic
@eemom: I am old, and I try to be careful linguistically (English not being my first language), so “they/them” as a singular pronoun is a very, very hard lift for me.
Ruckus
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
This reads like I wrote it.
Sister Golden Bear
@Gin & Tonic: It is a shift, but it’s actually easier than it seems because English already uses they/them/their to refer to a single person of unknown gender, as in: “Someone left their phone at that table. I hope they find it. Maybe we should try giving them a call.” It that helps.
Mary G
O/T but the pet pick-me-up I needed today:
Darkrose
Last week, the SJSU iSchool did a webinar on Trans Inclusion in Libraries that was very good, even for non-library folks. If anyone’s interested, I can post the link when it’s available.
One thing the presenters mentioned that really stuck with me is about normalizing things like asking about pronouns. One presenter suggested that if people–trans and cis–put their pronouns in their signature files in email, for instance, it will eventually no longer seem unusual. Honestly, as someone who’s done a lot of tech support via email, it’s helpful when working with names that don’t automatically ping as gendered. Anyway, I’ve started doing that with my email and social media, and I’d encourage those who are able to do so as well.
Jay
@Mary G:
Thing is, she’s always been a confused Nazi.
BTDubs, she’s also a far right member of the EU Parliament,
Kinda hints at what Nigel did for over a Decade,……
Mary G
@Jay: I don’t know how that original link got in there, but I have edited it to go to the dog and bunny I was trying to highlight.
Although, Mussolini’s granddaughter beefing with Jim Carrey is not something I have ever expected to see on Twitter.
Ohio Mom
@Ruckus: It does!
On another note, I see that in last Thursday’s NYT’s Style section there is an article on transgender bar/bat mitzvahs (the literal translation of bar mitzvah is “son of the commandments”; bar means daughter). I haven’t read it yet, it was a busy week and that section is still in the To Be Read Later pile.
Sometimes you can see the arc of justice bend in real time.
Barbara
@Sister Golden Bear: But not everyone has the same wish. Some people prefer they and others the gender specific pronoun. I will go with either if I know the preference. I, too, have been schooled on this by offspring. I am not trying to be difficult but this seems like an unjustified complaint given the non-uniform wishes of people in analogous situations.
Jay
@Mary G:
She quit her first Senate seat when her Center Right Party Chair dissed the Nazi’s, and that was 20 years ago.
I was hoping for pets, not Nazi’s, now I’ll reclick,
?
Ruckus
@Sister Golden Bear:
My sister changed her name and yes, people had a hard time adjusting, especially my parents. Twenty plus years of using the one they gave her was difficult to get over. But they got over it, they adjusted and treated her with respect.
(((CassandraLeo)))
Too exhausted to say anything substantive right now, so I’ll just say thanks to SGB for writing this and M^4 for posting it.
J R in WV
@Dan B:
“Methodist (many)” This may change after their international fest of gay hate not long ago. I expect a schism in the Methodist community in the very near future, or else just many churches or districts (dunno what Methodists call their next level up groups) ignoring the no gay marriages or preachers rule they passed. Mostly overseas voters I think.
Sad!
Jay
@Barbara:
Sister Golden Bear was talking about the sting, sometimes dismissive, of “preferred”.
The collective we doesn’t add “preferred” when discussing cis/het pronouns.
SiubhanDuinne
@Jay:
It has literally taken me weeks and weeks to figure out what “BTDubs” means.
Got it, now, I think.
Jay
@Ruckus:
My sister changed her name 45 years ago, ( family strife and professional needs) , never had a problem calling her real name.
Jay
@SiubhanDuinne:
We are a full service blog, even ten year old teen text speak.
Clennon W. King
Sister Bear –
Thank you for posting this.
I’m old enough to remember – it wasn’t really that long ago I must say – when just being gay was something that was whispered. In the small town I grew up in, nobody and I mean nobody, was “out”. Sure there were a few people whom we suspected but the idea that someone would introduce a “wrong sex” partner was just not done. Marriage? Ha ha ha. Not even worth debating.
And now look where we are. And the increased rights (that, ahem, can still be increased) were due in large part I strongly believe to those people who stopped concealing who they are. When you learn that a high-school friend is gay and has been living with a same sex partner for 10 years, you start to think. How can be being gay be so bad if your former good friend is gay? That’s how change happens. One person at a time. One mind at a time.
All of this being a long-winded way of saying I hear you. I think what you are doing is brave and important. Thank you.
rikyrah
Thank you for this post, and sharing your journey with us.
eemom
@Sister Golden Bear:
Do I have it right that trans people who identify as female (like cis females) are “she”, trans people who identify as male (like cis males) are “he”, and GNC people are “they”?
Sister Golden Bear
@Barbara: Oh you should definitely use whatever pronouns are used by the person in question. My point was about calling them “preferred” pronouns — I’ve been in lots of situations where allies are taught to ask, “What pronouns do you prefer?,” rather than simply, “What pronouns do you use?”
Mnemosyne
@Sister Golden Bear:
I just started taking a class in Writing the Other and we were all asked to state our preferred pronouns up front, and that appears as part of our name when we post. We were also asked to only use the person’s name instead of a pronoun for anyone who didn’t specify a preferred one.
It was good for all of us cisgender people to be told that nothing would be taken for granted and we all had to make a declaration on equal terms with everyone else.
Also, we found out recently that a family member’s child has come out as transgender. They were taking various actions for almost a year to allow her to live as a girl before the “official” Facebook announcement to make sure it was really what she wanted, and it was. It’s been pretty stressful for her parents because of course everyone feels like they need to second-guess the family’s decision.
CapnMubbers
@Jay: Saw your Paradise question and replied post below.
Mnemosyne
@Jay:
And yet perhaps the collective we does need to add that question for everyone, including cis/het people. Assumptions, and all that. ?
Jay
@CapnMubbers:
Thanks,
Barbara
@Jay: 50 years ago women fought over whether to be called Ms. or Miss or Mrs. Some people insisted on using Mrs. for all married women regardless of expressed preference. If you can (as you should be able to) specify how you want to be referred to when more than one title or pronoun might fit, you have a preference. I speculate that most people are hes and shes but have been lectured to the nth degree by a certain relative that I have no right to decide that for myself without asking because they is a possibility. So forgive me if this whole discussion leaves me feeling like Alice where words have no fixed meaning. More seriously, while I understand that this is an issue of sensitivity that can cause hard feelings, you don’t actually know the person I was talking about or what the evolution of his thinking on this particular point was.
Ruckus
@Jay:
My sister came out at the same time and our family dynamics were not the best. I’m going to assume that not every family is perfectly accepting of such a change. As I said my parents came around sooner rather than later and treated her and her partner just fine.
Sister Golden Bear
@eemom: Generally, yes. Although it never hurts to ask a specific person about what pronouns they use, especially with GNC people who are more diverse it which pronouns they use.
Jay
@Barbara:
I remember the Miss, Mrs, Ms days, and learned to ask first.
Quite often the response was call me Carol.
Showing acceptance and sensitivity at “first” contact built bridges.
It was a lot harder with first contact mail or email but google helped a lot.
My “preferred” pronouns are “King” and All-Powerfull”, but I can’t get anyone to use them.
Even SHWBO uses “hey you”,…….
Sister Golden Bear
Off to the movies. Will check in later.
Barbara
@Sister Golden Bear: That is clarifying. Thanks.
(((CassandraLeo)))
@eemom: @Sister Golden Bear: In addition to that, quite a lot of non-binary people, myself included, are OK with more than one set of pronouns. The way I see it, I have enough serious problems to deal with that it’s only worth getting upset over pronouns if I get the impression someone is intentionally misgendering me. I can’t think of the last time I’ve actually corrected someone’s pronoun usage in my own case. If they assume I’m either male or female, I may correct that assumption, but people are confused enough by non-binary pronouns that I usually can’t bring myself to care.
I fall into the same issue myself sometimes, if I’m honest. I’m non-binary, and it took me about an hour after learning that Sam Smith is also non-binary to even notice that I was still mentally using male pronouns for him; I literally hadn’t thought about it at all. As it turns out, he still wants to keep using them for the time being, but it’s a hard habit to correct.
However, I should stress that this is very much my own stance. There are some non-binary people who take pronouns very seriously. If you have any confusion, by far the best approach is usually to ask.
I’m not going to stand for linguistic abominations like “xe”, though. Thankfully, those have almost completely fallen out of fashion, thank Dog. It happened virtually overnight, too. Singular “they” was always the most sensible solution, since there’s a long history of its usage in English going back at least as far as Chaucer.
NotMax
@(((CassandraLeo)))
Old enough to remember waitron?
Thankfully disappeared faster than one can say disappear.
(((CassandraLeo)))
@NotMax: Apparently not. I may not have been paying attention at the time, however. I came to my understanding of my gender identity only about five years ago, so before then, I might not have attached any significance to silliness like that, at least to the extent that I’d still remember it. Should I ask?
NotMax
@(((CassandraLeo)))
Pretty much what you would imagine it to be.
Jay
@(((CassandraLeo))):
Gender neutral term for waitstaff.
Faverite recent sign board,
“Small coffee – $5
Small coffee please -$3.50
Hi, good morning, one small coffee please -$0.75”
(((CassandraLeo)))
@NotMax: @Jay: So it’s not a term for an electronic/robotic server? I’m so disappointed. This isn’t the future all the science-fiction films of my youth promised me.
(Thanks to both of you for the response anyway.)
Jay
@(((CassandraLeo))):
Yup, no rocket skates, no flying cars,……
Where the f€ck did our Cold War Dividend go,……. it’s a mystery.
Marg
Thank you sister golden bear.
NotMax
@Jay
Me likee.
Another goodie.
Sister Golden Bear
@(((CassandraLeo))): Thanks for supplying an additional perspective. I forgot to add my standard disclaimer to the post: When you’ve heard one trans/NB/GNC person’s opinion… you’ve heard one trans/NB/GNC person’s opinion.
We are multitude.
FWIW, during the first decade that I was out in public pre-transition, I identified as “bigendered” — the terms non-binary and genderfluid really hadn’t come into use yet — because I lived most my life as a man, but part of it as a woman.
It was a slow process to truly understand my gender identity — contrary to what might you expect from the spate of trans kids, there’s a lot of us, further away from the endpoints of the gender spectrum, didn’t necessary know we were “born in the wrong body” (as the trope goes) at age four. And that’s OK.
(((CassandraLeo)))
@Sister Golden Bear: Thanks. This comment I wrote a few weeks back might also be of interest; it goes into more detail regarding some of my experiences. Didn’t link it in earlier responses because I was on a phone, but better late than never.
Sister Golden Bear
I saw that and it was great to hear about someone’s NB experience first hand. Thanks for sharing it again!
Al Anderson
@Millard Filmore: