THE BOOK OF TRUMP
1 Now when Donald of the Trumps ruled over the land, many of the scribes and people said, This ruler speaks not truth, but lies; for his mouth is as a serpent mouth, and he speaks with the forked tongue of a serpent, which creeps upon the ground, and all his utterances are false and blasphemous.
2 And he governs not, neither does he lead; but forcefully asserts his own will upon the people of his land.
3 In the years of his reign, Donald of the Trumps hath enriched himself and his kin in many ways, which the Law recognises not; he hath caused his official guard, and his courtiers, and emissaries from foreign lands to sojourn at buildings which he has built and which bear his name; and from them he hath demanded great recompense, that he and his sons Uday and Qusay and his daughter The Golden Child may be further enriched.
4 For he hath not the love of his father, and giveth not fatherly love to his sons, because he knoweth not how to shew such love; but as his father before him, he bestoweth wealth and gold and power upon them, which they have not earned.
5 And he hath cruelly treated the people from Arabian lands, and all those who follow the Prophet (PBUH), and hath denied them entry to his country, but hath closed the gates to them; and hath also said vile words about countries in the Great Afric, and the people who descend therefrom; and of the land of Jye-naa; and the people of many such lands, and their rulers.
6 And he hath spoken harsh words of disparagement about the rulers of friendly nations, and hath alienated them; and hath broken treaties and alliances, to the great detriment of an orderly world.
7 But of other rulers, he hath spoken only words of glorification, and admiration, and conciliation: the rulers of the Rus, and Corea of the North, and the Magyar; and many other such despotic men.
8 And in the third year of his reign he spake to the ruler of the land of Ukraine, and said unto him, I will give you weapons of war, and will relieve your country of burdensome sanctions, and shall receive you in my palace; but you must do us a favour, though, and must search for evidence of wrongdoing by my political rival (who seeks to unseat me from my throne), 9 and his son.
10 It came to pass that at the start of the fourth year of Trump’s rule, the people and their representatives did rise up in law, to remove him from office for these crimes. And one chamber weighed the evidence, and wrote with their hand upon the wall the words MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN; which means, Your days are numbered, and you have been weighed in the balance and found wanting.
11 But the other chamber of law disregarded the evidence, as men do brush away gnats, and would not remove him from his high office; 12 and Donald the Trump was greatly emboldened, and continued his rule; and his crimes increased in number, and in substance, and in intensity; and he knew no shame, nor restraint.
13 But thereupon did great disasters start to fall upon his people, and do still continue:
14 FIRSTLY, a great plague, which sickened many people in all parts of the world, visited the shores of the land ruled by Trump; and behold, the people fell ill, and died, in numbers greatly exceeding their allotment. And those who did not fall ill stayed in their chambers for many months; nor did they venture out of doors.
15 And Donald withheld face coverings, and body coverings, and hand coverings from the healers; and he said unto his people, you must try the remedies I propose; and the healers said, Do not try these, for you may sicken and die. But Donald of Trump said, What have you got to lose? And some of the people tried these remedies, and some of them sickened and died: as the healers had foretold.
16 SECONDLY, the people could no longer ply their trades because they feared the plague, and were without coin; and had not money to stay in their dwelling-places, and were turned onto the streets, and were left without roof or shelter. And the anger of the people mounted, and grew greater with the heat of the lengthening days.
17 THIRDLY, the people in the land were of many hues, and they suffered, and despaired; but those of a pale hue suffered to a lesser degree than those of a dark hue. And those whose skin was black suffered most greatly at the hands of their pale brethren, and their pale sisters (who are called Karen-happuch); and especially did they suffer and die at the hands of guards, and soldiers, and officers of the law.
18 And those with skin of ebony, and many of those with skin of alabaster, and of all hues between alabaster and ebony, said, This is not right. We mourn the deaths of our brethren, and their deaths anger us greatly; for they should not have died in this wise. 19 And they joined together in cities across the land, and in many foreign lands; and marched in the streets in great numbers, and halted their games of sport, and let their voices be heard.
20 When Donald the Trump heard these things, he raged to his courtiers; and the words that he spake and the actions that he took were against the people in their suffering.
21 The wickedness of the Reign of Trump was without limit; and the chroniclers have told of many terrible deeds, which are too numerous to recount herein.
22 For some have said, Donald of the Tribe of Trump is a Philistine; he values not reading, nor music, nor painting, nor wit, nor the learned discourse which men of culture do enjoy; nor has he ever wished the company of cats or dogs or such loving creatures which soothe the soul and are balm to the spirit.
23 And some have said, Donald of the Tribe of Trump is an hypocrite; for he hath sought the company of those who procure the services of young girls; and when they are imprisoned he wishes them well.
24 And he hath asked the blessing of men of the cloth, who are faithless to their wives and whose wives do cuckold them openly. And again and again he hath proclaimed himself a godly man, though he is ungodly in word, thought, and deed.
Here endeth Chapter Four.
Chapters recorded by SiubhanDuinne.
LOL – well done, SiubhanDuinne! :)
OMG, that’s … erudite. Not sure what “happuch” is, but love that you worked Miss Karen into the verse.
Subaru: perhaps some Lamentations — the awful stuff Trump has heaved at others?
And I think you should get this to Mary Trump. She will LOVE it. Call or email her publisher to find out how.
The Holy (Shit!) Book!
In the Book of Job, Job’s youngest daughter is named Keren-happuch. I just changed one letter ?
From Wikipedia (but I see SiubhanDuinne beat me to it):
The book of Job is my by far favorite. Kudos
So can we assume the final chapter will be unavailable until November? *
* And fervently hope it includes “great rejoicing “.
MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN
We voters will write it on his wall — and make it stick.
@SiubhanDuinne: I am impressed with your knowledge of the Bible.
We were raised Catholic. I kid you not, a Protestant willed us a Bible. Having noticed there was none in our house.
This is really beautiful.
The Trump version of the story of Lot and his two daughters is going to be…interesting.
I am now remembering that there was an entire small book about LBJ done in this fashion.
My google fu is as yet insufficient to find it.
I will persist.
@Elizabelle:Luckily for our Catholic family, my Mom was a Methodist!
In truth, my Grand Father from Czechoslovakia (or Moravia depending on the date) had a Bible in which he wrote:
“You steal this book I break your neck”
Are you thinking of MacBird! by any chance? It was a kind of amalgam of LBJ and Shakespeare’s Macbeth — and of course Shakespeare was contemporary with the writers/compilers of the King James Bible, so the language is both similar and easily parodied.
Jye-naa. The Golden Child. Serpent speak.
And verses 16-18 are restrained, if anything.
LOL! I had a Catholic friend in grade school who wrote on the fly leaf of every book she owned:
If this little book should stray
Into other hands some day,
Dear Saint Anthony, I pray,
Send it back without delay.
OMG, verse 10!
And 23! “He wishes them well”!
@Keith P.: Is that in two Corinthians? Because that’s Trump’s favorite part.
Mary Ellen Sandahl
I had to look up heppuch too. Job’s youngest daughter’s name means “horn of kohl (aka antimony)”, i.e. container of eye makeup, as powdered antimony or kohl was used to darken the eyelids and hollowed-out horns were handy containers for all sorts of stuff. “Keren” is the “horn” part of the name, same root as Latin “corn” in cornucupia, horn of plenty. Or unicorn, or cornet.
The Old Testament is fabulous when it comes to rolling, resonant phrases — esp, in English, the King James version. Anyway, this is coming out so well, Siobhan!
Nope, though I’ll take a look at the Scottish book.
I’ve remembered. The reason I was having problems is that the book was about Nixon, not about LBJ (damned balky neurons!) It was
The Begatting Of A President
and at one time I owned a copy.
For literature, I’ll take parts of Ecclesiastes, or the Song of Songs, or some of the Psalms.
For ethics, the book of Matthew.
For black humor, 2 Kings 2:22-24
For the book that has done the most damage to civilization, The Revelation of St. John
Rachel Maddow: Mary Trump writes that Donald Jr. wanted to join the Army, at some point, and Donald and Ivana would have none of it. Threats of being disinherited; story came from the recently dead Robert, and was published before his death.
A shame. “Donny” might have benefitted by being among different colleagues. Might have grown up some. (Might have been fragged …)
@SiubhanDuinne: MacBird. LOL. Brilliant concept.
Ah. The Beggatting book is “A President”, but the album in which it’s read aloud by Orson Welles is “The President”, and it covers the end of LBJ and the re-ascension of Nixon.
smedley the uncertain
I hate it in a post such as this when I hit refresh, there are no more comments.
It gave us Pale Rider. End of argument.
@Elizabelle: As I pointed out in the last thread, avoidance of military service is a Trump family tradition.
@SiubhanDuinne: I stand in awe of your ability to get these *just right*.
(And I must have caught the Balloon-Juice affliction, because I knew there *had* to be a reason for that particular name, even if I didn’t know what it was.)
SD is a genius, at so many levels.
Am glad to know about this. Somehow it missed me (or I it) at the time. Thanks!
@?BillinGlendaleCA: I recall reading that either the pre-nup or divorce agreement with Marla Maples stipulated Donald would pay for Tiffany’s education, but she was cut off if Tiffany joined the military. I would love to hear a primary source on this claim.
This post seems timely…
Mike in NC
The best thing I’ve read in several weeks. Bravo!
Yes indeed. I don’t regularly follow God’s twitter account, but I’ve loved the tweets I’ve seen. And huge props to God for wearing a mask in His avatar photo. Seems probably unnecessary for One who is omnipotent, but it’s great role-modelling.
Great stuff! Thanks.
@Ajabu: It will never be available as it is currently being audited.
You made me laugh.
J R in WV
Amazing good work!
Thanks! You know you will have to work on this into November, off and on, don’t you?