Alison Rose:
Hello jackals,
I want to first extend my deep gratitude to John and WaterGirl for front-paging this for me. It’s a huge favor and I am very appreciative.
I’m currently on State Disability Insurance due to health issues that caused me to have to leave my job last fall. SDI in California is only for one year, and my claim will expire at the end of September. At that time, I will be applying for SSDI (I cannot do so before the claim expires), but having been through this before in my early 30s, I know that process can take a few months. I have no other income and no savings. So I am humbly hoping that this community will be able to help me through this interim period*. If you are inclined to help out, here is the link to the GoFundMe.
I’ve talked on here about other health issues I’ve dealt with in the recent past. Alongside those issues I also developed what became a diagnosis of acute anxiety and panic disorder, which eventually grew to include agoraphobia. For a few years, it was mostly under control. I was somewhat limited but still able to go to the store and such, and once I got my office job in fall of 2018, go to work every day.
But it kept getting worse, making those things harder and harder to do, and in late summer/early fall of 2019, it really began to spiral. (I have no idea why — there is nothing I can point to at that time in my life as a reason.) Once the pandemic hit and quarantine started, and I was working from home and being told by the government not to go anywhere, at first it felt like a gift. But it quickly proved to be the opposite. It’s sort of like when you have poison oak or chickenpox and the only thing you want to do is scratch all over even knowing that will make it worse. For agoraphobia, lockdown was scratching the itch, and it felt great, until it didn’t.
At this point, I have not left my apartment in a year and a half, other than a few trips to the trash chute about 15 feet from my door (we have a trash service so I only have to use the chute sporadically). My brothers take my mom grocery shopping every Saturday and they stop by here so she can bring my mail upstairs to me. I use a laundry service even though there is a laundry room on the premises. I use Instacart for all of my shopping. And so on.
And in case you were wondering: Yes, it sucks! Massively! I haven’t felt sunlight on my skin in all this time. The only fresh air I get is by standing at the open window. I can’t do my own shopping and have to rely on the not-always-reliable Instacart people. I can’t browse in the bookstore, literally my favorite activity. I couldn’t see my favorite band when they came through NorCal on tour. I can’t visit my mother or brothers or friends. And worst of all, I couldn’t visit my father in his last days, something I’ll never forgive myself for.
I’ve tried to find remote work, but it’s complicated by my illness. I was a customer service rep for a local mail order small business. When quarantine began, we all started working from home, and they let me continue doing so even after everyone else was back in the office. For a while, it was fine. But the agoraphobia kept growing, and eventually it began to affect being on the phone. It’s hard to explain, but being on the phone with someone, especially in a situation like work calls where I can’t just end the call when I need to, is the same as being in their physical presence, which is not something most people with agoraphobia can do. I began having attack symptoms while on customer calls.
For me, panic attacks can become physical, full-body attacks that have at times led to complete temporary paralysis, for which I’ve had to be taken to the ER by EMTs more than once. It is a terrifying experience. I tried to push through, but as fall approached last year and we were getting into our busy season, I knew there was no way I could cope with it. I had a lot of other duties as the department lead and the only one who knew how to do much of the work, and I asked for accommodation, and they said no. And unfortunately, finding a job that is 100% remote, does not involve the phone, and that I have any qualifications for at all has proved futile.
I’m not looking to dwell in the lap of luxury. I just want to be able to pay the rent on this hovel I live in, pay my PG&E, phone, and internet bills, buy groceries, and a few other basics. I’m hoping to bring in enough to bridge the gap between SDI and SSDI**. I will be eternally grateful to all of you for your kindness and generosity. You may be vicious jackals, but you’re also mensches of the highest order. Thanks, friends.
*The GFM is in my mother’s name. The money will be going to her account and she will use it to cover my living expenses.
**I’m aware that not all SSDI claims are approved on the first go-round. I was fortunate the first time that mine was, but I realize it’s not a guarantee. However, that stress is not something I can add to all the other stress I have at this moment, so we can leave that little nugget be.
Alison
Matt Smith
I feel for you. I’m sorry you have to go public this way. Wishing you more understanding and support than you expect. And I hope you find your way to the self-forgiveness that today seems impossible.
zhena gogolia
I just chipped in. Best of luck, Alison. We value your contribution to this site.
ETA: I have mild agoraphobia, and I know it’s not something you can just talk yourself out of. And I know that Covid seemed to help but it’s been worse ever since.
RSA
Best of luck, Alison.
Chart 11 on this SSDI Program page from 2020 has this caption:
When I had to deal with SSDI, I followed the advice of hiring a lawyer. It’s an additional expense, but I think it streamlined the process, maybe improved the chances, and certainly provided more peace of mind.
Omnes Omnibus
Donated.
bjacques
Likewise. We got yer back.
TEL
Donated. I hope SSDI comes through quickly for you. Like you, I’m a north bay jackal and we’ve got to stick together!
Raven
In
BeautifulPlumage
I love and appreciate your comments here. I wish I could chip in more, but I’ve had to put all donations/ subscriptions on hold until I find a job myself (promising interview scheduled for Tue). Please stay involved here and keep up the fight.
Layer8Problem
Added to, with the best wishes. Send my regards to my partner’s brother in the East Bay.
Another Scott
Donated.
Hang in there. We’re pulling for you.
Best wishes,
Scott.
HumboldtBlue
OK, Toon lost, and it was glorious to watch, particularly as it was Liverpool doing the winning, so have some cash to salve the wound.
@BeautifulPlumage:
Good luck!
SiubhanDuinne
Donated. Even if we haven’t been in your exact situation, many (if not most) of us here have spent time in the vicinity. I always love to see your name pop up in comments, and I hope you’ll be in a better space soon. Good luck to you.
SiubhanDuinne
@BeautifulPlumage:
Good luck on the interview! Fingers, etc., all crossed.
raven
When I broke my back in a wreck I was hurt too badly for unemployment and not bad enough for SSID!
Omnes Omnibus
@raven: Bad planning on your part. Obviously.
raven
@Omnes Omnibus: I still had some GI Bill!
Almost Retired
OK, I’m in. The safety net in this country totally blows.
strange visitor (from another planet)
sorry to hear about your problems. i hope you can figure out a way to get a handle on them. MI’s are very difficult to deal with. i speak from personal experience. i’m a highly medicated, regularly treated, crazy person. bipolar as can be.
have you tried SSI? it’s easier to clear the procedural hurdles and there are lower bars.
Omnes Omnibus
Ten percent of the way there in about a half hour.
Omnes Omnibus
@raven: Yeah, but that was also due to some bad planning on your part.
Andrya
I’m in. Hang in there, we have your back.
skerry
I’m in.
As a fellow traveler through SSDI, I also urge you to get an attorney to push the application through.
OzarkHillbilly
In for $25, wish I could do more.
When I filed for my SSDI I used a lawyer. Still got initially denied but he was able to expedite my appeal as he already had all my records and paperwork. It didn’t cost me a dime up front and he got his compensation out of my back benefits, and at that he was limited by law as to how much he could take.
He was very helpful and well worth the money.
Alison Rose
Hello all. Just want to pop in to say thanks again to John and WG, thanks to everyone who has given and in advance to everyone else who will. It was exceeeeeeedingly hard for me to ask them to do this (as John called me out on when I first messaged him, haha), not because I don’t like to ask for help but because I have constant imposter syndrome and always wonder if I deserve it. But anyway…many many thanks all around to all of you.
Regarding the lawyer thing — I was one of the fortunate ones my first time around, and my SSDI was approved right away. (Well, not “right away” but without the denial/appeal process.) But that was for a different illness, one where you could glance at my medical chart for two seconds and be like “Uh yeah this is not a well person”. It’s possible I might need legal help this time, since I don’t know if the federal government looks less empathetically on mental health vs physical health, and I will look into that.
Thank you again, folks. Endless gratitude 💜💜💜
sab
@RSA: I agree with you on hiring the lawyer. We went through that with my husband 15 years ago. I don’t think he would have won without the lawyer. As I remember, they usually work on a contingency basis with very strict limits on the percent they can charge.
Alison, you are among the handful of non-front page jackals that keep this blog alive by active, responsible commenting.
EmbraceYourInnerCrone
Donated. I hope SSDI comes through for you
Omnes Omnibus
@Alison Rose: Speaking on behalf of the legal Jackals, do hire a lawyer. It will make it easier, and it will help to keep lawyers off the streets.
oldster
I chipped in a little something, to say “thanks for your comments,” and to say “BJ’ers gotta stick together,” and to say “Slava Ukraine” — I appreciate your unstinting support for Ukraine on Adams’ posts.
You’ll get through this, and things will get better. And then you’ll bail my ass out one day, too.
raven
@Alison Rose: Ah, the old imposter syndrome, I know it well. Vietnam and not a hint of a scratch, broken back and a full (up until now 50 some years later), a doctorate but never felt like an academic, fancy title in my last few years at work and still an outsider. The lesson? The Only Time is Now!
Mr. Bemused Senior
@Omnes Omnibus: and we don’t want idle hands after all.
Alison, best wishes to you.
SteveinPHX
Hang in there! Donated.
OzarkHillbilly
I think many share in that, I know I do. I finally had to quit the union because at the end of the day I couldn’t even grip the steering wheel of my car. I put off filing for 5 years working little side jobs where I could get them but eventually even that became impossible.
Almost Retired
@Alison Rose: Please let me know through WaterGirl if you need a referral to a Social Security lawyer. I am a long-time employment lawyer in Los Angeles (with a short stint in San Francisco), so I coordinate with Social Security lawyers/specialists quite often for some of my disability discrimination clients. As you might suspect, the process is tougher for mental disability claims.
Good luck!
persistentillusion
In for a bit. As was said higher up, we’ve all been near there if not there. You are greatly valued as a commenter and help some much to keep the blog both active and welcoming.
WaterGirl
@raven: How is that even possible? Definitely counterintuitive.
Joy in FL
just added a bit to the GFM. I’m glad to help.
oldster
@raven:
A lot of really smart people suffer from imposter syndrome.
I always wanted to have it, because then I would have been really smart. The best I could do was sort of imposter imposter syndrome.
I also knew an artist once who worked in oils and suffered from impasto syndrome. But maybe that’s laying it on too thick.
sab
@Almost Retired: That is good to know. When we went looking for a lawyer in Ohio I asked a cousin-in-law in Marin County who was a Social Security lawyer (long since retired.) He
gotreferred us to some good specialist lawyers that we would never have found otherwise.ETA :From across the country. Social Security Disability is a very specialized field so those guys all know or know of each other.
raven
@WaterGirl: One was Fed one was state. School and the GI Bill plus the Illinois Division of Rehab got me through school and that swell Urbana Park District job!
raven
@oldster: I mean I didn’t let it hold me back, now I get to be guilty that I have a decent retirement and health care! (and I’m sitting here trying to figure out when I’m going to go back down to the beach and fish!)
Spanish Moss
Chipped in. Best of luck, Alison Rose!
frosty
Donated. You’ve alluded to your agoraphobia and other issues from time to time but I didn’t know it was so severe and difficult for you. As an engineer, I just want to jump in and fix it, but since I can’t, maybe I can help get you over the gap to SSDI.
Take care of yourself as best you can and keep commenting. You have a great NFLTG attitude when you write!
Ruviana
Donated. Think fondly of your “hovel” and may it remain your safe place.
raven
1/4 of the way home!
tomtofa
Donated. Best of luck with SSDI!
oldster
@raven:
As with many mental health issues, the best you can hope for is to live with it and try to work around it. And when it flares up so bad that you cannot work around it, that’s the time to ask for help.
sab
I will be contributing but not until my new credit card comes next week.
eclare
Ugh, I had a pretty bad panic attack while driving. If my parents had not been able to come get me I would have called 911. In for a bit later today.
Maxim
Alison, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Every mental health struggle is its own journey, but as others have said, many of us can empathize in general if not in the specifics. Please be good to you; you’re an important part of this community. I chipped in what I could. If hugs are triggering, as I imagine they might be, please imagine that I have sent you an incredibly soft, warm blanket to wrap yourself in.
SiubhanDuinne
@raven:
I managed to keep myself on the edge of poverty for much of my adult life because it didn’t seem right to me to get paid for things that I enjoyed and that came easily to me. It looks daft seeing it in words, but it was a very deep-seated belief that kept me from acknowledging and appreciating and embracing my own worth for many years.
WE ALL HAVE STUFF.
sab
@sab: Don’t do debit cards online. Which makes Alison’s earlier credit card issues more on topic. She had wanted to get a credit card but couldn’t. Not to borrow. Just to be safer.
If what had happened to me ( $2000 stolen from my bank account for Beyonce tickets) had happened to her she would have been out on the street. I could scramble to cover it.
Ixnay
The Ixnays are in. Best of luck Allison, and keep swearing like a sailor at the Ruzzians.
Raven
@SiubhanDuinne: there it is
mrmoshpotato
@sab:
You had to pay for that?
sab
@sab: My husband’s issue was cluster headaches. Weird debilitating yet not on everyone’s medical horizon. I am sure any psychiatric issue is worse, but cluster headaches were not on anyone’s idea of a real issue. His actual paid for disability insurance thought it was a joke. His employer thought he was so not functional from pain that he wasn’t worth keeping around.
thalarctosMaritimus
I will be in later today for a little bit. I’d like it to be more, but I’m halfway through cataract surgery, which cost me $1000 out of pocket for the lenses that insurance didn’t cover, so this month is tighter than it normally would be.
If the GFM is going to remain active, I can do better in 2 weeks out of my next paycheck, and we can just consider this one a tideover until then.
I really look forward to your comments, Alison, and I’m eager to help in any way I can.
LifeInTheBonusRound
I’m in. 43% of the way there! Stay strong, Allison.
sab
@mrmoshpotato: We are in the appeals process. I have the money back with the caution that if things don’t go well the bank will take it back in 60 days. They know I got hacked. Depends on who can collect from whom. Either Beyonce or I am screwed. Bank and credit card company will be fine.
Thief guys called me yesterday pretending to be the FTC. FTC is full of south Asians who call people instead of writing to them? Government agencies outside of law enforcement never call you. You call them and even then they probably won’t talk to you.
SomeRandomFellow
You should.
(Extended moralistic babbling follows – read at your own risk.)
Forgiving one’s self for flaws is essential to survival in hard times. By “hard times” I mean those times when, if you had a button you could push, that would painlessly kill you, and make it look like an accident, if you could push that button, and end it all, and you’re tempted, well, those are the hard times I mean.
People who need to consider disability leave aren’t just having troubles working. They’re having troubles everywhere. And those troubles can be annoying, aggravating, and frustrating to other people. And you know something about disabled people? They might be nastier to themselves, over the limitations of their disability, than any type-A asshole would dare to be (in public at least).
There are going to be plenty of times when you feel alone, and hurt, and worthless, if you’re like most folks who need to stop working for disability. And you need to be a friend, and a caregiver, to you at those times, because no one else will, not at the worst times.
(Why? Well, if other, helpful, people were there, it probably wouldn’t be “the worst times.”)
Do you want to acknowledge that your disability made you miss something, and you *despise* that you had to miss it? That’s okay – that’s your pain, and it’s okay to speak it, and acknowledge it. But it’s not okay to beat yourself up, because you would have been there, if there was any possible way. *YOU* know this – you don’t need some moron you met on the internet to tell you that – nor do you need me to say it.
And a member (or more) of your family, or a family friend might feel a bit of nasty toward you, because you didn’t make it. But if they knew what you knew, they’d have to be a pure-D, Grade-A, USDA inspected asshole, to either feel that way, or breathe a single word about feeling that way. What’s making them angry is not so much that you didn’t make it, but because they doubt your sincere desire, and your struggle.
It’s not good, but it’s not hideous, for a person, to think about a disabled person, “if they *really* wanted to do X, they would have!” It happens – even to people who claim to understand the disability.
(To those of you who engage with disabled family or friends: yes, I just said there were times you were probably being a dick to your disabled family member or friend – thinking they’d have done something, or done it better, if they’d really wanted to. Deal with it – let your anger at me be the impetus to prove I’m completely wrong about you.)
That’s why it’s so emphatically important to keep the truth in your own head: you really wanted to do it. And if someone had showed up, at *just* the right time, to transport you there (or maybe, to move him to you), when you were at your best, well… with the right chain of miracles, you’d have made it. But no miracles happened. You didn’t – and it didn’t matter how much you wanted, because your injury was too severe.
That’s the truth. And that truth merits forgiveness. And you must at least offer that to yourself, and keep trying, until you finally accept it. Because there will always be people who won’t, and their lack of faith in you is *not* reason to feel bad about you – it is, quite literally, their problem.
And yet, if you let their problematic lack of faith get under your skin, it can quite literally end up killing you. So you need to be loving, kind, and forgiving, to yourself, to protect you in those hard times I mentioned – the hard times where you can’t even explain how awful it is.
LAO
I’m in. Alison Rose, take Omnes advice if you can, the approval process is really designed to be more difficult to navigate then it should be.
de-lurker
WaterGirl, please check your email.
divF
I’m in.
Nancy
Alison Rose,
I’m short right now but may be able to add to the GFM later. However, I do have a skill to offer if you are interested. I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor currently practicing, and I’d can offer counseling either via zoom or by phone free of charge. Therapy may help relieve some of the struggles you are having.
No worries if that’s not something you’d be interested in. I’ll let Watergirl know how to reach me if you do want to give it a try.
Tom Levenson
I’m in. All good thoughts re navigating the rest of the process.
Villago Delenda Est
@Omnes Omnibus:
The last thing we need are lawyers on the streets, as they might get seriously desperate and loan themselves out to Georgia RICO defendants…
Kathleen
Donated. Wishing to God speed through your process!
mrmoshpotato
@sab: Hopefully the appeals process turns out in your favor.
Good ol’ government agency scams…
Had to activate a new debit card recently, and was weirded out when someone answered at my bank’s 800 number. Ummm….that’s always an automated process. Called back and got the automated system.
Alison Rose
@sab: This is the only time someone in my life has called me responsible, so thank you for that :P
@Omnes Omnibus: It’s something I’ll have to work out with my mom since I don’t have lawyer money at the moment.
@Almost Retired: Thank you!! I will do so if it looks like the necessary path.
sab
@mrmoshpotato: I can handle the appeals process results good or bad. Just needed time to adjust.
Alison Rose, through no fault of her own, is in tighter circumstances.
I love her as a commenter. Even when she yells at me (deservedly) she is nice about it. Or if not nice, at least polite.
HumboldtBlue
The boys from El Segundo, California, just won the Little League World Series on a walk off home run.
Alison Rose
@frosty: LOL yes most of my fucks were used up by about one year into TIFG’s dictatorship.
@eclare: The car became the scariest place. Had to call 911 from the side of the freeway once. SUPER FUN. I’m sorry you’ve been through it too.
@SomeRandomFellow: Thank you. This was very lovely and true.
Alison Rose
To everyone else, thank you again x1000.
sab
@Alison Rose: The Soc Sec attorney guys do contingency. You don’t pay up front. They only collect if they win. And Soc Sec says they cannot collect too much.
mrmoshpotato
@sab:
Regardless, I hope it turns out in your favor. :)
arrieve
I’m in.
I’m always willing to help–I enjoy reading this blog but it’s the community here that makes it truly unique–but your description of your issues really hits home. When I started having panic attacks in my mid-twenties I had no idea what they were and the doctors were so unhelpful and it just derailed my life in so many ways for too long. (Mine manifested as claustrophobia rather than agoraphobia, but with similar effects: I HAVE to get off this phone call! I HAVE to get out of this conference room!)
Medication really helped me, but some days the panic monster is still just lurking in the corners waiting for the opportunity to pounce. I hope that you can raise enough to give you some breathing room and one less thing to worry about.
sab
@mrmoshpotato: Me too,but I will be fine regardless.
errg
I donated. Always love your comments, best of luck with everything…
sab
@Alison Rose: I don’t think you need lawyer money. They work on contingency, and Soc Sec keeps them honest.
ETA We went through this 15 years ago when we had no money.
ETA You don’t need a lawyer. You need a Social Security Disability lawyer. They are extremely specialized and very good at what they do
ETA Some lawyers aren’t in it for the money. If the system gives them an adequate living they are happy just to be good guys. Social Security lawyers are those guys.
My dad was the same kind of doctor. In it for the patients not for the money.
ColoradoGuy
Dunno if this anecdote will help, but that won’t stop me.
Back when I was living in Washington State, I started to spiral into agoraphobia. It started slow, but then accelerated. I knew if it picked up speed, I would be housebound, and I really didn’t want that (I have a degree in psychology, so I can read the literature and understand the jargon and clinical euphemisms).
It took two psychologists to get to the bottom of it. The first diagnosed me as suffering from childhood PTSD, which didn’t exist as a clinical diagnosis back when I was studying in 1972. Clinically, it is considered as challenging to treat as combat PTSD, and having a profound effect on the development of personality. After pointing me to two different books on the subject … which I found very difficult to read because they hit so close to home … he referred me to a local PTSD specialist. (Reading about it is useful, but has no therapeutic effect. That requires specific, hands-on techniques.)
The modality of this PTSD practitioner used EMDR, or rapid-eye-movement therapy, which I was pretty skeptical of because it seemed pretty lightweight. But it was getting good results in the Veteran community, with pretty severe cases of PTSD. So I started the therapy and found it much more challenging than I expected … after the second and third session, some very upsetting and frightening memories came up. Over time, more memories came up, but the agoraphobia also receded, and my life became, bit by bit, more manageable.
So it’s entirely possible you could be dealing with childhood PTSD, which later in life, can induce panic attacks and agoraphobia. Childhood PTSD is more common than you would expect, and bizarre symptoms can come out of nowhere if life exceeds a certain stress level. Thanks to the courage of the Veteran community, new treatments for PTSD have become available to the wider public.
JoyceCB
In with a donation. As with so many others, I value your comments.
MomSense
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m in!
Please work with a lawyer. Most work on contingency and it’s worth it.
WaterGirl
@sab: I think you need a different bank.
Kristine
Donated. Over halfway there now.
Best wishes for best possible outcomes. I enjoy your comments as well.
raven
@HumboldtBlue: My brother told me about the game and, since it’s storming here on the Outer Banks, we watched it. He lives in Sherman Oaks and said they beat El Segundo and lost to them in the US final.
sab
@WaterGirl: All banks suck. Mine is as good as the next bank.
Yarrow
@ColoradoGuy: Thank you for posting this. I’m looking into EMDR for PTSD and it’s good to hear it had been helpful for you.
Alison, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much. Wishing you all the best. Also, are you taking Vitamin D since you can’t get out in sunlight? It’s important.
SomeRandomFellow
@ColoradoGuy: Would you please list the books that helped you, assuming they’re layperson accessible, and in print?
Eolirin
I really wish I could contribute right now, or that I could say more, but I’m also dealing with some difficulties too and it’s limiting my ability to communicate as well as I’d like.
I’m glad so many people are actively involved though. It’s so important not to feel alone with these things. I’m really proud to be part of this community. And I hope we’re collectively able to see you through this moment and into better ones
Best wishes.
Mai Naem mobileI
@Alison Rose: kicked in some $$$. Good luck with the SSi app. I do know somebody who applied without a lawyer but she had an aggressive form of MS with seizures etc. and even with that it took 9 months for her SSI to come through.
SkyBluePink
All the best to you, Alison Rose
And a few $, too
chrisanthemama
Be well, Alison Rose–I put a little coin in the cup for you.
Wolvesvalley
I’m in, too, and happy to be able to help.
Considering some of the people customer service reps have to deal with, it’s not surprising that your phobia extended itself to the phone.
LiminalOwl
Chipped in, sorry it can’t be more.
re: “It’s possible I might need legal help this time, since I don’t know if the federal government looks less empathetically on mental health vs physical health”
—in my experience, yes, this is too often the case; there seems to be an implicit assumption that mental-health sufferers are probably faking it. Do get a lawyer, if you possibly can. The Center for Independent Living will likely have pro bono referrals, and may be able to help with other things as well. (I knew the one in Berkeley when I lived there, don’t know what’s closer to you.)
Best wishes.
Mai Naem mobileI
@sab: i didn’t know the FTC also were full of South Asian callers. I get the Medicare ones(I tell them I’m too young to be on medicare but apparently the government bureauracy hasn’t figured that out) and their name is always Peter. Apparently Peter is a very common South Asian name. Who knew?
sab
@sab: Better than some including the bank I used from age 15 (1969) until my mom died in 2012 when I was 48. They carded my mom and her Black nurse’s aide every time they came through the bank window for five years. At some point they had to have recognized them. Same teller carded me, and yet flirted with my husband. He used to laugh about what a moron she was. Yet they promoted her.
When Mom died, as executor I pulled every account from that bank.
kalakal
donated
EarthWindFire
@Alison Rose: IMO, a big part of why our country’s safety net sucks is that we spend far too much money and time deciding who deserves the help and far too little actually helping people. You deserve this because you are a human having a rough patch in life, as we all are and we all have.
Please don’t think you’re unworthy of help. Donated.
LiminalOwl
@Yarrow: I’m an LMHC with EMDR training (certification expected as soon as I can conquer imposter syndrome enough to apply). Feel free to contact me if you’d like references or conversation about the process.
(Anybody else here likewise.)
sab
@Mai Naem mobileI: They aren’t full of south Asian callers. If you get a south Asian caller it isn’t from a US government agency. They don’t call. They do employ south Asian-Americans, but none of them call. They don’t call. They send letters.
dkinPa
Just reaching out to wish you luck and to hope (much!) better days are ahead of you. Hang in there!
Sister Golden Bear
@Alison Rose: Help to help. Sorry you’re going through this.
FYI, if you need a lawyer or other help with your SSDI, I’ve got a friend who deals with those issues as part of her job in Oakland. She probably could refer to someone. Or possibly hire her to help as a side job — although she’s not a lawyer, she takes absolutely no prisoners when it comes to getting her clients help, and knows the SSDI process and regs better than the SSDI folks do. She does appear as an advocate at disability hearings, including mental health, and usually wins.
LiminalOwl
@LiminalOwl: And after posting, I went to the relevant page for Berkeley (some distance from SR, of course, but maybe more extensive resources), and found these:
Disability Rights Advocates (DRA)
510-665-8644 Voice; 510-665-8716 TTY
http://www.dralegal.org
2001 Center St. 4th Floor Berkeley 94704
Legal advocacy for people with disabilities in disability-related litigation.
Disability Rights California
510-267-1200 Voice; 800-719-5798 TTY
http://www.disabilityrightsca.org
1330 Broadway Suite 501 Oakland 94621
Information and referral, technical assistance, and legal services.
Disability Rights Education and Defense
Fund, Inc. (DREDF)
510-644-2555 Voice; 510-841-8645 TTY http://www.dredf.org
3075 Adeline St. Suite 210 Berkeley 94703
Legal assistance, advocacy, and referral for people with disabilities and parents of children with disabilities.
Hope it’s helpful.
Avalie
Added a bit. Lovely to see the love and support pouring in.
S Cerevisiae
@ColoradoGuy: a second endorsement for EMDR therapy, it pulled me out of a very dark place. I also agree with getting help with the SSDI, they guided me through the process and took a small fee out of the first check, no big deal.
Delk
Added
Good luck. It took 18 months for me but it also included employer insurance. Each one wanted the other to start the payments. I used an attorney. I think I experienced every known emotion during that time. Stay positive no matter how hard it is. I know it’s tough.
Pika
love and a donation
ColoradoGuy
Here’s one my psychiatrist recommended: “The Body Keeps Score”:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
I should mention that reading books on the topic can be quite unsettling, and anyone suffering from PTSD is unlikely to read more than a few pages at a time. Not because of the professional jargon (which is there), but because of the creeping awareness you are the star of this particular horror movie.
Childhood PTSD is particularly insidious because there may be no direct access to the traumatizing event(s). I had two near-death experiences I only knew about because my mother told me about them when I was 35 or so. One event when I was six months old and the other was when I was three. What made the events more traumatizing is both parents were narcissists, which meant I had to raise myself, and be partially responsible for their emotional regulation. (None of this was awareness was there before I started therapy.)
PTSD causes brain damage, which can get worse if left untreated. It is quite real, and can be induced in lab animals … it’s part of mammalian brain structure. To induce it, the victim has to be in a directly life-threatening situation for a half-hour or more, with no means of fight or flight. This (temporarily) shuts down the part of the brain that forms memories, and creates a dissociated experience … a fragmented personality, with part always in the past. Using EMDR, ketamine, or psilocybin can access these events, and slowly re-integrate into the larger personality.
This is easier said than done. Re-accessing memories like these is terrifying and many people drop out due to shock and horror. In addition, if these events happen in childhood, the entire adult personality is built around avoiding re-stimulating these memories, or any events that feel similar. Like a tree, the personality grows around the hole. The follow-on to the formal therapy is gradually making friends with a very frightened child … who is really you, but a part that been living in the shadows for decades.
My first therapist told me to treat myself, for the rest of my life, to act as if I am taking care of a three-year-old who is always by my side. Don’t let him get too hot, nor too cold, and give him treats every now and then. Tell medical people I need a tranquilizer beforehand. My adult self has to be the parent of that neglected three-year-old, and model for that child what a good parent is like.
Viewed from that perspective, the panic attacks are a cry for help from a very frightened child who doesn’t understand what is happening to him/her.
BeautifulPlumage
@Alison Rose: one thing about helping the jackal in NM recently was helping them organize the info & help with execution of a plan. You’re issues are different, but from this thread I’d like to coalesce a few things:
– all the jackals with experience in this have suggested getting a lawyer (SSDI specific*), you don’t need money up front (my addition would be to start that process now)
– two have offered contacts for lawyers and I encourage you to use them. Finding a professional for this can seem daunting on your own. Getting a referral from a trusted source takes away much of the anxiety
– if you aren’t currently consulting a professional, consider the offer above for a zoom or phone call.
* the interwebs used to be pretty good for this, but now is full of scams, misdirection, and old information. You want help from someone who’s job is keeping up to date with changes & developments
To all the commenters – wow! What a diverse & knowledgeable group! Cheers
Torrey
Donated. Always appreciate your comments and especially how, even in the darkest of the Ukraine posts, you manage to find Ukraine news with something to celebrate.
Yarrow
@LiminalOwl: Thank you. That’s very kind. A friend of mine is a counselor specializing in trauma and PTSD and uses EMDR frequently in their practice. We’ve had discussions about it so I think I’m relatively well informed, although it’s good to hear multiple opinions.
hedgehog the occasional commenter
Donated. Sending love and strength.
CarolPW
In a somewhat related issue what is the name of an organization that drives around in buses doing dentistry in underserved and poverty areas?
On topic, donated.
Alison Rose
@sab: That is good to know!
@ColoradoGuy: Without getting into too many specifics, there are definitely some PTSD issues, though not from childhood. I will note that the panic disorder and associated issues developed as comorbid disorders alongside my anorexia. But there are other things in my past that sometimes still seem to be at play. But it is difficult to work through when I can’t do in-person treatment.
@EarthWindFire: This is painfully true!!
@Sister Golden Bear: Thank you! I may reach out.
@LiminalOwl: Wow, awesome, thanks much!
Alison Rose
Another big general thank you to everyone. I’m a little verklempt. This place is amazing. And many thanks and appreciation for all the resources offered, too!
Omnes Omnibus
@Alison Rose: If it makes you feel any better, we’ll all be shitty to you in some comment section fairly soon. It’s just the way or the world.
Timill
@CarolPW: Remote Area Medical. perhaps???
Alison Rose
@Omnes Omnibus: I would expect nothing less! My mom said “Wow, you must have a lot of friends there” and I said “well yes, although we also tell each other to STFU fairly often, but that’s just family” :P
gene108
Are you okay with your mother or brothers spending time with you at your place?
Just having people around, in manageable doses, helps chip away at some of the problems self isolating* causes, which aren’t getting better without some human face-to-face contact.
*I self isolate a lot. It’s a protection/avoidance mechanism for me to avoid uncertainty and possible conflict that comes from interacting with people.
LiminalOwl
@CarolPW: In Massachusetts, we have Health Care for the Homeless. Physician services, dunno about dental but it would surprise me not at all. HTH.
pieceofpeace
I’m in. Best of fortune, Alison, with finding employment or adequate funding, whatever works. And peace of mind for you. Good to hear you have family support nearby, and set up for the basics.
Also in No.Cal., Bay Area
WaterGirl
@sab: My credit union does not hold us responsible if someone puts fraudulent charges on our cards.
If your bank is doing that, or even saying they might do that… that’s why I said I think you need a different bank.
Rose Weiss
@Timill: Yes, Remote Area Medical I think is the group that comes to my very small town once a month to do fillings and extractions. They charge a fee to the sponsoring org, in our case a lefty Episcopalian church, but it’s totally free to patients.
twbrandt
In. Thinking of you, Alison.
Caroline
Donated!
laura
Dear Alison Rose, your post hit me like a drop kick off the turnbuckle and transported me back to my anxiety and panic disorder roots- it robbed me of years of life I could not afford. It spared me the vagaries of young adult life that beset many friends (bright spot). I can tell you that there is life after and with this. There’s joy and pressure and life.
Not gonna diagnose or urge you to any modalities. I was helped by time, space and adjustments to my life and lifestyle. Reading your post made me check in with my system, I had a lie down with feet up and gut/vagus nerve massage. I’m sending you best wishes and something more tangible on payday. Hang in- and offer yourself the Grace that you regularly extend to others.
Alison Rose
@gene108: Unfortunately, not really. Being around anyone at all for more than a brief period can cause issues, even if it’s my mom, because as soon as I feel any kind of symptom, my brain is just like OOPS HERE WE GO. Mom does hang out for a bit when she comes by with my mail, but as far as a longer visit…I don’t know.
@laura: Thank you, and I’m sorry that you also lived with this. What’s so frustrating is that I used to be the complete opposite of this. I used to drive all over the state, used to love going to clubs and concerts and all kinds of places. I miss being that person.
Steeplejack
Pitched in a bit. Good luck, Alison.
laura
@Alison Rose: That person still resides within you, and that life is still a possibility even if it doesn’t appear so for now. I Promise You.
I gotta get out of this place
Delurking long enough to chip some into the kitty
Madeleine
Donated. Wishing you well.
Debbie(Aussie)
Hi AlisonRose
I know exactly where you are coming from 😞 I hope you get to be where I am ( on disability pension) here in Aus. Be kind to yourself, easier said than done of course, but I’ve heard that practice makes perfect.
A woman from anywhere (formerly Mohagan)
Donated. You are a valuable member of this community and I wish you all the best.
lowtechcyclist
Donated. Sending prayers and good wishes your way.
Alison Rose
And a morning thank you again to everyone <3
Nelle
Donated.