I have been informed that if you do not walk into the most heavily populated portion of the house (usually either the kitchen or living room) and loudly state “I AM GOING TO BED” you are in fact “sneaking” off to bed and a “stealth” sleeper.
Just an FYI
This post is in: John Cole Presents "Stories from the Road", John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"
On The Road – Captain C – Amsterdam, October 2023, Part 9
Formerly disgruntled in Oregon
It’s like an Irish good-bye, but for going to bed.
At least you didn’t just pass out on the couch…
ETA: I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the colloquialism used above has an unpleasant origin in anti-Irish stereotyping.
HeleninEire
That’s why living alone is so awesome. No announcement is necessary. For anything.
cmorenc
Or, you could be less stealth, and fall asleep in front of the TV, announcing with your snoring that you’ve nodded off to dreamland.
WaterGirl
It’s about time you learn the rules, Cole.
I am on Team Joelle
Suzanne
You lived alone too long, dude.
Lit3Bolt
And if you don’t announce “The contents of my colon must now be evacuated” you are a stealth pooper.
cmorenc
Marriage is when you find out how many flaws you really have, now that you have a mate to critique them for you.
Chief Oshkosh
Well duh, Cole.
Ken
@cmorenc: “Mawage, that blessed awangement, that dweam wifin a dweam. And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva.” — The Princess Bride
EarthWindFire
Welcome to cohabitation. That one came as a shock to me too, along with having to wake up my now-spouse to tell him I was going to work.
Frankensteinbeck
That is correct. See @Lit3Bolt: for another important rule. I personally prefer the formulation “I am voiding my bowels” but maybe you should do it Bolt’s way to be safe.
Shalimar
Question: If there are two of you, isn’t one of the most heavily populated portions of the house where you already are? Announce it to yourself and the pets before you close your eyes and you’re probably fine.
satby
😂
A comedy in one act.
Salty Sam .
The phrase in our household is, “Welp, the coffee is working…”
CaseyL
You need one of those sliding things they put on rooms to note whether it’s occupied, but adapted to say “John is awake/John is in bed.”
And one for Joelle,too, of course.
dlw32
Everyone’s different. Now that you know it’s important to your partner, it doesn’t seem like too much to ask to let them know you’re going to head to bed.
laura
Growing up in California in the 60’s and 70’s our dad’s going to bed phrase was (and mine still is) “shuffling off to Buffalo” but falling asleep on the couch- regardless of the time of day was merely “resting my eyes.” Them’s the rules.
zhena gogolia
@WaterGirl: Me too. It’s only common politeness. Which your spouse is entitled to as much as anyone else.
lowtechcyclist
@Frankensteinbeck:
Ours is, “I’m gonna spend some time in a small room.” A little less graphic, but it conveys the message.
The announcement of going to bed is hit-or-miss in our household. Sometimes in the late evening, I’ll be in the bathroom just long enough to wash my face and brush my teeth, and when I come out, my wife’s no longer downstairs with me. I’ll make a point of saying I’m going upstairs to bed at night, but now that I’m retired, sometimes during the day, the desire for a nap will overtake me when I’ve gone upstairs for some other reason, and I’m not going back down just to say I’m going to nap. My wife’s already gotten used to my disappearing for naps like that.
prostratedragon
Be thou advis-ed. (A stealth sleeper now myself if I choose, though the household protocol growing up was “Good night.”)
Suzanne
@Salty Sam .: Yeah, ours is similar. “The coffee just kicked in. Bye.”
Omnes Omnibus
@WaterGirl: @zhena gogolia: You should think of Cole as a feral rescue cat. This will all make more sense.
Citizen_X
Given that “the most heavily populated” room in that house would probably include a number of cats and dogs, I assume most beings there would neither understand nor care whatever the Fat Human was yelling about.
piratedan
let me ‘splain this to you young man…..
said announcement serves multiple purposes…. For those ladies that are inclined, it means that if they had a inclination to engage in a more romantic notion for events during the evening, is that window of opportunity is narrowing dramatically.
also, or perhaps conversely, depending upon said rituals of the household, it allows other members of the house to “get comfortable” and then change the channel to any available guilty pleasure and raid the pantry or freezer for any goodies without having to make an offer of sharing.
please see my newsletter for other unspoken communication nuances….
Spanish Moss
@zhena gogolia:
Me too! But even after 30+ years my husband is not completely trained in this way. I suspect it is because he really does want to be stealthy. Maybe he is afraid I will ask him to do some small task before going to bed? So, I have to be vigilant.
lowtechcyclist
@Omnes Omnibus:
And having temporarily moved in with Joelle, he’s regarding her house with the classic “everything here is mine” cattitude.
WaterGirl
@Frankensteinbeck: What, I have to poop is not good enough for you guys?
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
One does crave variety, in vocabulary as in all things.
brendancalling
@Suzanne: l have adopted this one from my kid’s maternal grandfather: “I’m going to contemplate life for a few minutes.”
As one of those folks who’s cohabitated with a number of partners, but never been married, I probably have more of these kinds of stories than most.
matt
@laura: checks out – my California dad in the 70s used ‘resting my eyes’ too.
WaterGirl
@Omnes Omnibus: I actually think of Cole as having been raised by wolves, except that – having met Mom Cole – i cannot figure out how that was possible.
I imagine Mom Cole shares the same assessment, and also cannot figure out how that happened.
lowtechcyclist
@WaterGirl:
At my age, it would be more like “I think I have to poop, but I’ll find out when I get there.” ETA: “Small room time” constructively glosses over that ambiguity.
Old Man Shadow
Relax, old man, and just be happy that you’ve found someone who cares about where you’re at and wants to spend time with your grumpy ass. :)
WaterGirl
@lowtechcyclist: hahaha
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
Sorry for repost but I worked hard on this and liked it and it’s in dead overnight thread:
Same as any other.
Oh, no, not at all. What would creation be without life? Just a bunch of balls spinning. Numbers.
I can only conclude that the purpose of life is to experience creation. We humans have tools that allow us to experience more than any other life we know of.
It is therefore incumbent upon us to continue to learn, to refine those tools, and free all humanity to produce what it needs and use its time beyond that as it will. And, most importantly, to do so sustainably so the next generation after us can improve further.
If there is a god, it is all of creation. This is how we honor it.
Hildebrand
And when you leave for work, it is imperative to say: ‘Time to make like a baby and head out.’
Kelly
I have to leave the bathroom door ajar when I poop so our cat Phoebe can come in and supervise.
Mr. Bemused Senior
Once you have kids you can share “go potty.”
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
Title = All she’s really asking.
Suzanne
@Hildebrand: I’m also fond of “I’m off like a prom dress!” as I leave the house.
Suzanne
Yeah, seriously.
I mean, his dog crapped all over her mom’s house and she’s still around. Feel fortunate!
zhena gogolia
@Omnes Omnibus: So he might cuddle, but he’ll never let her pick him up.
zhena gogolia
@piratedan: Excellent!
Kelly
The arctic cold spell is over here in the Oregon Cascade foothills east of Salem. 45f south wind and rain. Ice mostly gone. Never lost power.
West of the Rockies
I am guilty of the same heinous behavior. My wife has most vociferously made this known. She was much aggrieved. I have changed my wicked, wicked ways.
M31
if only Erasmus had used “I have to poop” as his topic sentence.
Erasmus wrote a book in the 16th C in praise of “Copia” (abundance), where he rewrites the sentence “your letter pleased me” in hundreds of different ways.
Your brief note refreshed my spirits in no small measure.
I was in no small measure refreshed in spirit by your grace’s hand.
From your affectionate letter I received unbelievable pleasure.
Your pages engendered in me an unfamiliar delight.
I conceived a wonderful delight from your pages.
Your lines conveyed to me the greatest joy.
The greatest joy was brought to me by your lines.
etc etc. etc. etc. and so on und so weiter &c
Snarki, child of Loki
Always a favorite:
“going to drop the kids off at the pool”
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
@M31: Fascinating. 🤨
I love it 😁
NeenerNeener
After my parents retired and started watching British shows on PBS that one particular announcement became ” I have to skip to the loo”.
One of my brothers used to refer to sleeping as “staring at the back of my eyelids for awhile”. Another euphemism was “becoming one with my mattress”.
lowtechcyclist
@NeenerNeener:
That one has a certain Zen quality to it that I like. Screw becoming one with the Universe, but I can become one with my mattress.
Ohio Mom
@WaterGirl: Genetic throwback, or two very recessive genes meeting up and expressing themselves?
I dunno, in this household, people drift off to bed without announcements. It’s a smallish house so you always have an inkling where everyone is.
What drives me nuts though is when Ohio Dad leaves the house without announcing that he’s leaving. All I hear is the door slamming. A simple, “Seeing if the mail is here” or “My blood sugar’s high, I’m going for a walk,” “I’m going to mow the lawn” or whatever would be appreciated.
Thanks to modern technology, I can now call him to find out what he’s doing. Which you would think would make him realize he should have announced his departure but no.
Jinchi
Having grown up in an extended Irish family I’ve never understood that phrase. My experience is that it takes an hour at minimum between saying Goodbye and getting out the door.
Jinchi
Stealth sleeping is the best sleeping.
Unless you’ve abandoned your spouse with a talkative in-law, I don’t see why anyone would object.
Chris
I mean yeah, I’m extremely casual when it comes to social etiquette, but I’d have to agree that letting the people in the house know when you’re going to bed is a necessary part of civil society.
The easy way to get around this is to fall asleep in the common area in front of the TV.
geg6
@zhena gogolia:
Agreed. I was furious with John last night, but I always say good night. Even if I hope he tosses and turns all night.
Matt McIrvin
It’s good for my mental health and productivity if I get to bed early, especially since I seem to have lost the ability to sleep in in the morning even on the weekends. But it’s been difficult lately because my daughter has become an extreme teenage night owl and her need for emotional or homework/study assistance has a tendency to manifest late in the evening, sometimes after midnight. And last night, she suddenly got sick with whatever pukey norovirus-type thing is going around at about 10 PM, though that certainly wasn’t her fault.
Chris
@Lit3Bolt:
Yeah, but we want poopers to be stealth.
Frankensteinbeck
To be completely serious:
People have different needs. Joelle needs to know when you’re going to bed. It’s not an unreasonable demand. You’ll have to learn to accommodate some unreasonable demands as a married couple, but this isn’t one.
Make sure both your needs are met. Some won’t make sense and that’s okay.
Sister Golden Bear
@WaterGirl: Cole is like a house kitten that wandered off and now is a feral adult cat who’s been rescued.
Almost Retired
I married young and quickly learned the importance of narrating my life. “I’m going to the kitchen to refill my coffee” effectively signals my reason for getting up off the couch and avoids any speculation that I was planning to hop in the car and pick up a hooker on Sunset Boulevard. Also it keeps her from asking annoying questions like “what are you thinking about,” since I have so very few unexpressed thoughts. Secrets from a long marriage…
WaterGirl
@Ohio Mom: Some people are slow learners.
WaterGirl
@Sister Golden Bear: Yes!
Dangerman
I think this is a corollary to age related “never trust a fart”.
Delk
It’s one of those things like not going to bed angry with each other but far more easier.
mrmoshpotato
I read that as “most heavenly populated.”
TaMara
#teamJoelle
Also, you don’t tell the critters you’re going to bed? I always announce so the critters, mostly the cats, know it’s time to claim their nighttime spots.
mrmoshpotato
@HeleninEire:
Say it loud, say it proud! Oh wait, you don’t have to say anything at all.
satby
Ours too, which I have continued in my own home when I shared it. The only announcements were for children to tell them it was time for them to go to bed. That people find the need to announce both bed and bathroom trips just surprises me. Only exception is a house with one bathroom, in which case due notification that you might be a while is all that seems needed. Everything else is TMI to me.
Old Man Shadow
@TaMara: Otto, the bestest boy I lost in November, would always watch me from his spot on the couch when I got up around 9-11pm and started turning off lights and locking doors. Then I’d call him and say, “Let’s go to bed” and he’s hop off the couch and move his fluffy butt to the bedroom and put his front paws on the bed waiting for me to lift him up while wagging his tail.
Man, he was a good boy.
mrmoshpotato
@Lit3Bolt:
@Salty Sam .: “Step 1: I fly to the Moon.”
eclare
@matt:
The phrase I know is “examining the inside of my eyelids”.
mrmoshpotato
@CaseyL: Text her.
satby
@Old Man Shadow: 😢
middlelee
Why does anyone have to announce they are going to poop or pee? Just walk to the bathroom and do it.
No wonder I’m so happy living alone. Good god.
dmsilev
@Omnes Omnibus: So, one ongoing thread in this conversation is people discussing how to litter-box train him?
eclare
@Almost Retired:
If I were sitting around with other people anywhere and just got up and left, even to get a cup of coffee in the next room, without saying anything, that would be weird.
I guess I was raised as a narrator.
eclare
@TaMara:
Good point. I tell my dog, so she knows it’s time to move from the couch. My cat could be anywhere in the house, so she does not get a separate announcement. Plus she seems more attuned to the schedule.
eclare
@Old Man Shadow:
So sorry to hear about Otto.
trollhattan
@Almost Retired: TBF that Sunset hooker would appreciate a text now and then, as well.
My bride narrates her day aloud and my chore is deciding what’s narrative and what expects a response. On a good day I’m 60:40 guessing and will never have the energy to respond 100%. Then, there’s the three-rooms-away factor. Was a thing even said if the thing was not heard? Find out in four days!
Alison Rose
Just gonna say: Married people don’t do a very good job of selling the concept of marriage to unmarried people.
Baud
I thought that the purpose of Twitter was to provide an efficient way to broadcast this information to interested parties.
mrmoshpotato
@eclare: What if it’s obvious where you’re going, ie. bathroom or kitchen?
mrmoshpotato
@Alison Rose: LOL!
Old Man Shadow
@Alison Rose: I live with my best friend. She is strong in areas where I am weak. I am strong in areas where she is not. So we complement each other.
After 20 years, we know each other’s idiosyncrasies and neuroses and we have grown to love and appreciate and joke about them.
I’m not an expert. It just worked out well with us. But if I had to give advice, I would say: before you say, “I do” make sure you like your partner as much as you love them.
eclare
@mrmoshpotato:
I still always announce.
StringOnAStick
@WaterGirl: Thank you!
Sure Lurkalot
My partner and I are going to reach 50 revolutions around the sun of “being together” next month. Grunting is effective communication and can pass for civility. More words and an argument may ensue or sometimes, a hug. Wine may increase or decrease number of words, arguments or hugs.
“What are words for, when no one listens, there’s no use talking at all”–Missing Persons
catclub
I love the line from Calvin and Hobbes: “You’re sitting and thinking and sitting and thinking… and then you wake up!”
karen marie
It is stressful having a new person in your house who’s pointing out everything that’s wrong or not clean. My guess is Joelle needs reassurance that you’re in this together.
StringOnAStick
@The Kropenhagen Interpretation: Nice summary. I think this is how a lot of us “not religious, but spiritual” people see things.
@Kelly: Yours too? One of ours sees that as her favourite time to sleep in my lap.
zhena gogolia
@StringOnAStick:
My church isn’t like that at all. I’m sorry the evangelicals have destroyed the general conception of what goes on in a church
ETA: You seem to have edited that part out.
StringOnAStick
@Kelly: Woke up to a driveway so icy it was shiny this morning here on the other side of the Cascades. Excellent day to stay home!
divF
@lowtechcyclist: A friend of ours (age about 50) was visiting recently, and said to us just before she left, “I’m going to spend a penny before I leave”. We knew what she meant, but it came as a surprise that she would know what such an antique phrase meant, much less use it.
Miss Bianca
@lowtechcyclist: Did you ever see the “Sylvia” musical? “Everything Here is Mine”, sung by her cats, was the highlight of the show. :)
StringOnAStick
@Old Man Shadow: Very wise words. Every failed marriage I’ve seen was hot on love/lust, short on like/friendship.
StringOnAStick
@zhena gogolia: i editted it out because I didn’t want to leave troll bait, and seriously, who really needs to know what I think?
Ohio Mom
@The Kropenhagen Interpretation: Peanuts stole that. It was the British-American poet W. H. Auden who said, “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
@Ohio Mom: That’s a good way to tell it too, pithy. Matt McIrvin posted the Peanuts version. I think I like that one because of the contrast of the kind person and the cynic.
You can teach kindness, but you’ll still find lack of understanding where kindness does not occur naturally.
Paul in KY
@cmorenc: Very true statement!!
Paul in KY
@Omnes Omnibus: It actually does…
Paul in KY
@The Kropenhagen Interpretation: IMO, there is no purpose to life. You are here now. Enjoy it. It will end at sometime.
Paul in KY
@Snarki, child of Loki: Also:
‘Going to squeeze one out.’ and ‘Going to drop a steamer.’
Paul in KY
@Alison Rose: My wife would agree :-)
frosty
@Old Man Shadow: That was my mom’s advice when I was contemplating marriage and worried about if I loved her or not. She said “Do you like her?” Yes. “Do you like to touch her?” Yes. “What more do you want?”
We got married 42 years ago and we’re still together.
lowtechcyclist
@eclare:
If I were with a group of friends, I wouldn’t interrupt the conversation to say I was going to the kitchen to refill my glass or whatever. I’d just do it.
And when it’s just my wife and me, I’ll sit down in the living room, realize I’ve forgotten something, get it and come back, then five minutes later I remember something else I wanted to have right there…I’d drive my wife nuts if I announced every coming and going. (I do a good enough job of that anyway. :^)
DCrefugee
I live alone, but have the occasional guest who understands what I mean when I say, “I’m going to go take a Republican platform.”
lowtechcyclist
@Miss Bianca:
I didn’t know there was a “Sylvia” musical! Now I want to see it!!!
cckids
@TaMara: Our much-missed Pomeranian, Pixie, used to inform us that it was bedtime by going upstairs to the bedroom and whuff-barking at us. Once it got past 11, he believed everyone should get their asses to bed.
If ignored, he’d rejoin us, grumpily. I miss him very much.
Soprano2
I always say I’m going to the kitchen so I can ask if I can get him anything while I’m up, and he does the same for me. We just go to the bathroom when we need to, though; we’re one of those couples who don’t use the toilet in front of each other. I want some privacy for that, man!!
BigJimSlade
@brendancalling: There’s also, “I’m going to take a walk and clear my mind.” (That was from a guy at my dad’s work, a bunch of engineers/science guys, decades ago..)
WaterGirl
@TaMara: At my house, it’s “let’s go to bed” said in a happy voice.
WaterGirl
@Old Man Shadow: I see that it’s “let’s go to bed” at your house. Or at least it was, so sorry your lost your boy.
I hope you have another one, even if the new one isn’t your soulmate.
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
And life will continue long after we’re individually gone. No matter how you look at it, we ought to be operating in such a way to preserve life and allow it to thrive
ETA: People spend a lot of time looking for purpose in life. That I arranged my religious beliefs in a way that requires nothing of others and compels me to live as morally as I can, I don’t believe is a bad thing.
WaterGirl
@StringOnAStick: I like knowing what you think. :-)
BigJimSlade
@Paul in KY: What? no “pinch a loaf” or “drop a deuce”?
suzanne
@DCrefugee:
SuzMom used to say, when taking the dogs out for a walk, that she was taking them to “do a Nixon”.
That was pre-TFG.
Paul in KY
@The Kropenhagen Interpretation: IMO, don’t overthink why you are here. Just enjoy being here (if possible, of course).
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
Overthinking why I’m here is one major portion of how I enjoy being here.
Ruckus
@HeleninEire:
Damn west coast, I’m always 3 hrs late with my first idea for a comment……
Ruckus
@Alison Rose:
A proper sales pitch is important…..
One should know and understand the positives and negatives of things, events, contracts, agreements, personalities…… and the sometimes impossible. And should know and always remember it is an equal partnership, not a job, nor a contest and that there are always at least 2 winners or 2 losers. And that both are real, live humans.
Hildebrand
@Suzanne: That is also one of my favorites – especially because it elicits vigorous eye-rolling from my kids.
lee
I like how all then folks with spouses/significant others are all ‘Yeah…Duh…’
Nancy
@The Kropenhagen Interpretation:
Thanks, I like it.
and I’ll think about what I read.
The Kropenhagen Interpretation
@Nancy: I appreciate that. It’s hard finding places to discuss spiritual notions. Turns out everyone has their own.
Bobby Thomson
I don’t like the rule either, Cole, but wayagonnado?
Manyakitty
An obligatory/habitual kiss goodnight works, too.
Gary K
@Frankensteinbeck: If the script of Maestro can be believed, Lenny’s formulation was the straightforward “I’m going to take a big dump!”
kindness
Heck, I tell my dogs when I go to bed.
VincentN
Letting your significant other know you went to bed means they don’t have to go looking around for you if they want to talk to you or ask you to do something. They also don’t have to wonder if you’re coming back when you leave the room or if you’re having some kind of bathroom emergency. This seems pretty obvious.
LifeInTheBonusRound
@Jinchi: Well, not all Irish fit the cliched slang. In my in-law family, an Irish goodbye means “leaving without telling anyone.” Which we don’t practice. What you’re describing (and what we do practice effortlessly) we call “a Minnesota goodbye.” As a non-Irish, non-Minnesotan, I’ve gotten used to the latter but am some times tempted to do the former. It’s a more efficient way of getting to bed!
wjca
The way my parents advised us, when we were young:
“Love is a wonderful thing. But if you are going to get married, marry someone you like!”
brantl
@BigJimSlade: “Hatch a zuchinni?”
brantl
@divF: It’s from when pay toilets were a penny, which is a long time ago; may have learned it from a grandparent.
Pennsylvanian
I didn’t read any comments after maybe 20. There is no shame in going to bed. It never hurts to announce such, but sometimes you just go to bed.
Paul in KY
@The Kropenhagen Interpretation: By all means then overthink!
Joelle
@piratedan: Thank you oh wise one. Just to bring everyone up to speed as to why I was so hell bent on knowing when Cole was planning on strapping on his C-pap…
1. I was getting a call later that evening and wanted to make sure it would not disturb anyone’s sleep.
2. I had vague intentions of gettin some and wanted to see what kinda timeframe I had. (Good work pirate Dan! You nailed it!)
3. I was making meaningless conversation while the house male shuffled by in his drawls.
4. I have lived alone in that house since 2009 and have relished every minute of doing whatever I damn well please whenever I damn well feel like it. However… I have discovered co-habitation benefits from some degree of communication to avoid mild annoyances. If I wasn’t getting the late night call… I probably wouldn’t have bothered asking.