So my gutters need to be cleaned, because they are horribly clogged to the point that when it rains, it pours over the side and has started to dig a little hole in the ground from the waterfall that has been created. In addition to that, I am worried the constant water will damage the wood. So, little homemaker that I am, I decided to clean the gutters.
The front was no problem- just climbed up on the ladder, scooped it our, and then hosed everything down with a hose I carried up. The backside, though, is much higher, and the ladder would not reach and it was too high to climb without anyone holding it. I then got the brilliant idea to go to the shortest side of the house, use the ladder to climb onto the roof, and clean the tall side of the house while standing on the roof.
Oh, yeah. I’m terrified of heights. Unbelievably afraid of heights. I made it about ten minutes into the movie Cliffhanger before I had to stop because my feet were sweating. So we basically had a battle between my desire to clean the gutters and my fear of heights. Cleanliness won.
So after spending a half hour on my stomache on the roof scooping leaves, soot, bird shit, and who knows what else, the entire time breathing in and out with the mantra “control your fears, control your fears, control your fears,” I was finally done and it was time to climb down.
As I was adjusting the ladder, one of the latches came loose and then the entire ladder fell to the ground. I then spent the next half hour, stranded on my roof, waiting for someone to walk by. Finally, Mrs. Mitchell walked by and was able to get my phone out of my car and throw it to me so I could call my mom to send dad up to get the god damned ladder. Her response was to break out into hysterics.
I swear my entire life is like a 40 year Darwin awards ceremony. I’m paying someone next time.
RobertB
My wife always guilts me up on the roof to hang Christmas lights. I tell she should just smother me in my sleep if she wants the insurance money that badly. But nevertheless, I end up on the roof every November.
jackie
You really paint wonderful pictures with words. I pay $100 bucks to a guy in the big city. I have a firm rule. I always pay someone else if midtask I would pay 3 times the price in order to stop.
The Main Gauche of Mild Reason
Still not as bad as the naked near death experience cleaning the bathroom. “Fell off the roof” is not nearly as bad in an obituary as “found naked dead in the bathroom with a mop”
Carnacki
Buy a taller ladder. Seriously. It’s a worthwhile investment for any homeowner to have more ladder than you think you need. Also make sure if you’re a beefy guy like me to buy a heavier capacity ladder than your weight because you also got to consider carrying up materials or tools in addition to your own weight.
R-Jud
JOHN G. COLE! WITH YOUR SHOULDER? You’re such a nutcase.
Persia
I think we need to get you a safety harness. And possibly a football helmet for every time you go outside.
We can make sure it’s a Steelers helmet.
JGabriel
John Cole @ Top:
Why couldn’t Mrs. Mitchell get you a ladder, or prop it up, or a neighbor who could help?
God, I hope you drive a safety car.
.
El Cid
Good thing you didn’t fall and hurt your shoulder real bad.
caune
Thanks for the giggle, I know it’s at your expense but I needed it today. It’s nice to know I am not the only person who gets into the weirdest situations!
Church Lady
Skip the new ladder. Save your pennies and have some LeafGuard gutters installed.
Martin
@The Main Gauche of Mild Reason: I was wondering how he explained to Mrs. Mitchell why he was naked on the roof with a hose and a broom. I think “I’m a Republican” ought to cover it, though.
Tom in TN
Get rid of the gutters, plant shrubs around the perimeter of the house to break the fall of the water.
Uloborus
Utterly OT, but my friends either scream or cry when I talk politics. I just watched last night’s Daily Show, and about half of the Ken Blackwell interview before I couldn’t stand it and turned it off.
I’m trying to finish the rest, but I’m not sure why. Okay, he’s written a book about ‘Obamacare’ subverting the constitution as a power grab for an imperial presidency. Fine. But the first thing Stewart does is ask him how that compares to the Bush presidency Blackwell supported, and Blackwell basically just tells him he’s not interested in that and won’t talk about it, and proceeds to ignore all references the rest of the interview.
The intellectual dishonesty is *staggering*. It’s just so blatant here. He has openly acknowledged he’s not interested in context in any way.
Third Eye Open
Buddy of mine fell off a roof one time while installing solar panels…in Seattle
Cris
Jesus, Cole. Were the Bene Gesserit testing your humanity?
Dave Fud
Get those gutters with covers and then they won’t collect gunk.
You are just trying to get back into rehab to enjoy those cute torture nurses. We know what you are up to. Masochist.
Phillip J. Birmingham
I think that iRobot’s Looj is not terribly expensive. I’d be looking at one if our house weren’t taller than all the trees in our yard.
Punchy
Imagine if you had decided to clean the gutters while naked instead.
I bet Mrs. Mitchell would have stuck around to fix the ladder herself…..
Sarcastro
Hose? Scooping?
Just cramalam the business end of a leaf blower into the gutter and slide it from one end to the other.
Omnes Omnibus
@Cris: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Frank
I just bought my first home and have to clean the gutters…is it expensive to have professionals do it?
cleek
we’ve no leaves in our gutters .. because we’ve no trees taller than 10′ within 200 yards of our house!
ah suburbia…
and WTF, JC… up on the roof after all the shoulder stuff ?
James F. Elliott
Dude, why not just get one of those hose-extension curved nozzle thingies?
@Frank: Not if you just get a tall ladder (which you should have anyways) and pay a neighborhood teenager.
LGRooney
You must be overcompensated. You have that much cash around to risk more shoulder surgery?
Bill H
Every time I get uncontrollably pissed off at the board of our homeowner’s association I will come back and read this post. My roof and gutters are about 70′ from the ground, and the cost of the landscaping crew that cleans the gutters twice per year, and anytime I call to have them do it, is included in my monthly fee.
Roger Moore
@Phillip J. Birmingham:
The most expensive model is $170 from the iRobot store. It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than a trip to the emergency room, and very competitive with the $100 a pop Jackie mentioned to get somebody else to do it for you.
Cat Lady
Mrs. Mitchell walked by? Jeez, you’re Dennis the Menace?
cleek
@Frank:
in my old neighborhood, there were traveling bands of rednecks who would show up in their pickups every summer. give em $50 and they’d scramble up their ladders, no ropes, no helmets, probably drunk, but they’d gitErDun!
General Egali Tarian Stuck
You really want to see some “General Stupidity”
Can’t have folks in government worrying about ordinary citizens, now can we?/wingnut
stuckinred
My SIL fell off a 4ft step ladder messing with wisteria 2 weeks ago. Shattered left wrist and various other issues. What you have in NOT a phobia, it’s common sense!
Cris
Probably less expensive than a trip to the emergency room.
YellowDog
Be glad you were on the roof. I was on the ladder when it fell (not your ladder, my ladder). It’s kind of like the difference between a schlemiel and a schlimazel.
mr. whipple
John: I have the exact same phobia. I’m totally fine on planes and inside big building, but edges freak me out. ( I made the mistake of going up the Hatteras lighthouse a few years ago and almost had a meltdown.)
My solution: wife cleans the low gutters of our split. Ok, that might be out for you, but for the high side of our house we have a guy that comes by 2x a year and we pay him to do it. I think you’d be shocked at how many people are available do this sort of thing, and how cheap it is, and how much angst it saves.
jrosen
John: how much would it cost you if you fell off the roof? It might be a small chance, but the consequences could easily be very serious. Pay somebody who knows what they are doing; it’s a better bet, by far.
An analogy: the climate scientists might be wrong, and if they are we will just have to eat the expense of preparing for change (or slowing it down). But if they are right and we do nothing, the consequences could be catastrophic and immensely more expensive. That’s why we get insurance, and why you should stay off of the roof.
mr. whipple
BTW: falls are the most common type of fatal household accident.
Cris
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
mistersnrub
@Uloborus:
Shorter Blackwell: “Uh, power grab, uh liberty, uh individual freedom. I was against Bush in the last week of his Presidency. Collectivism. What’s a David Addington? Did I say power grab?”
The conversation reminded me of what it must be like to deprogram a cult member.
The Moar You Know
I fear for your life. We need to roll you up in bubblewrap before allowing you to leave your home.
General Egali Tarian Stuck
I don’t climb more than 10 feet without a parachute. Luckily, we have no gutters here cause it hardly ever rains and the trees are runts.
nikita
Hmm…cleanliness won over a bum shoulder and fear of heights? Didn’t Cole vehemently deny that he was a neat freak a few days ago?
Edit: Yep, he did. https://balloon-juice.com/2010/04/25/cbs-sunday-morning-61/#comment-1716702
Omnes Omnibus
@General Egali Tarian Stuck: It sounds like he missed out on the entire Legal Realist school of jurisprudence when he was in law school. Not a big surprise.
The Bobs
I’m not surprised someone mentioned the Bene Gesserit mantra. Here is the whole thing:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
And no, I had to look it up.
Lavocat
Promise us that The Next Gutter Cleaning will be filmed and placed on Youtube!
I’m laughing now. I’m sure the full visual effects, with sound, would be beyond hysterical. Very funny, John.
The Moar You Know
@General Egali Tarian Stuck: Even if true, that’s still a major step up from the last guy, who considered it a goddamn piece of toilet paper.
trollhattan
@ John Cole
Oh man, that’s straight out of a hundred sitcoms. For some reason I thought of this one.
http://www.tv.com/leave-it-to-beaver/in-the-soup/episode/81146/summary.html
Your story is only lacking Larry and Curly, one pair of pliars and two eyepokes.
(Confession: I spend much too much time on my tile roof and someday it will catch up with me.)
Omnes Omnibus
@mr. whipple: Max McGee, God rest his green and gold soul, died that way.
Cris
Now you have me thinking of Private John Steele. Or rather, of Red Buttons.
Randy P
I have a rule that gets me through life very nicely at this point (my 50s). It is that I do not want my last thought on earth to be “Well, that was pretty stupid”. My wife fully concurs with this philosophy. Therefore I do not climb around on the high, very steep part of our roof, I do not mess around with elaborate Christmas displays high up on the roof, and I don’t climb a ladder at all around the place where the high voltage electricity comes into the house.
I pay for gutter cleaning. It’s worth it. And I’m somewhat of an agoraphile. I love being on the low part of the roof.
(I do mess around with electricity inside the house, something I’m comfortable with as far as safety precautions. Nevertheless, I did give myself a nasty shock recently being careless, my thought was in fact “Well, that was pretty stupid”, and my wife is still mad at me about it. As she puts it, if I kill myself doing something stupid, she’ll kill me.)
We do know of people who have died doing the Christmas displays. It’s not worth it. Truly.
tazistanjen
@mr. whipple:
Yeah, if anyone gets on the roof it is me. I don’t like that green color my DH turns.
gbear
@Frank:
It cost me about $280 to have it done at my medium sized house, but I found out a couple weeks after I paid them that they did a lousy job. They left one of my downspouts filled with debris. We got a big rain and the downspout filled with water to the point where it split it’s seam. Luckily the seam wasn’t facing the house. It blew all the water into my neighbor’s driveway.
My upper level gutters are too high and the roof too steep for me to want to do them myself. I’ll clean the gutters on my porch roof by climbing out a window and doing the routine John just did. I get nervous about being at the edge, but I also kind of like the view from therer.
Daddy-O
First: THIS little ad was atop the comments page of this post…hilarious. That Google is SMART.
Second: I think you’re a little too hard on yourself here, John Cole. Just a thought: Save that for those who really DESERVE it.
:)
Kristine
My house is surrounded by trees, leafy and evergreen. I was cleaning out my front gutter weekly because it was clogging with pine needles. I finally got some of those plastic snap-on gutter screens that they sell at the big boxes. They’re cheap, and I may have to replace them in a few years, but they work. I debated going with GutterGuard or one of the permanent installations, but I read that those can still clog with small things like pine needles, which would be the issue I would have. So, cheap covers. They’ve been on for 2 years so far, and are still working fine. FYI–I use the screened version on my house because of the tiny pine needles. They also come with larger holes, which are fine for leaves and maple spinnies and such, but would let the short needles through.
Also, these worked for a while, but I couldn’t reach into the downspout with them. I had to in order to get out the pinecones. I tried the wand that you attach to a garden hose. Not a lot of luck with that. They even make gutter-cleaning robots these days, but it depends what fills your gutters. Dry leaves? Anything can push those out. Soggy, wet leaves massed with pine needles and other muck? That can get heavy, and I don’t know if the roto-rooter robots can move that junk.
General Egali Tarian Stuck
@Cris: A grim scene stuck on a Church Steeple (or whatever it was) with Germans all around.
Betsy
@nikita:
Beat me to it.
John, although I do appreciate the semi-regular laughs you provide at your own expense, I’m more comfortable when they involve Tunch’s Rubenesque figure than your near-death experiences.
Edit: Haha, suck it, homeowners.
LGRooney
@JC and mr. whipple, #33,
Want to tackle your fears? Do what I did (admittedly, getting a thrill not getting over a phobia). Head to Norway, hike up to Preikestolen, a rock hanging about 2,000 feet over a fjord – and it’s a straight drop, and do a hang ten. My friend was freaking out and I told him I wasn’t budging until he took my picture. With the winds blowing, and seeing nothing beneath your toes until you arrive at the bottom, you’re suddenly very aware of gravity.
Bragging’s done…
sherifffruitfly
Dude. That’s why god invented neighborhood teenage kids.
mr. whipple
@Omnes Omnibus:
Lots of people do. It’s really quite dangerous.
It’s amazing how freaked this fear makes me. Just watching “Man on Wire” or the scene of the kids walking across the railroad track in “Polar Express” scares the crap out of me.
Uloborus
@mistersnrub:
Yeah, but he was so forthright about it. He wasn’t ignorant or trying to excuse or anything. Jon skewered him fifty times, and it might as well not have happened. The guy wouldn’t talk about what Bush did, argued with Jon about trivial and easily verifiable facts (number of supreme court appointees) and utterly ignored any argument contrary to his premise. He was a hairsbreadth from admitting he had no interest in the truth, he was so blatant.
Screaming nutters who willfully disbelieve contrary facts or aren’t reflective enough to see the contradictions in their beliefs I understand. This intelligent, thoughtful man just deliberately excused large portions of information from his reasoning so that he could draw an insane conclusion he liked. He knows he did it. That’s freaky to me.
Omnes Omnibus
@LGRooney: Skydiving.
mr. whipple
@LGRooney:
No.
Betsy
@LGRooney:
The thing is, that doesn’t actually do anything to erase the fear, at least for me. I share JC’s phobia of exposed heights (airplanes fine, unfenced ledges not so much), and am an avid hiker. I have, on multiple occasions, forced myself to some insane overhang or another. It has done nothing to lessen my atavistic aversion to being in places from which I could fall to my death with no effort on my part.
LGRooney
@Third Eye Open: Depends on where in Seattle. I’ve had to travel to Seattle a lot for work, and family had a house in Auburn, 50s – 70s. We had a good snow one Christmas. Otherwise, in any season visited (and work is almost always downtown), I have always had pleasant weather with plenty of sunshine.
gbear
John, be thankful that when the ladder went down is didn’t slide sideways along the gutter and then fall into one of your front windows once it got below the roof edge.
PurpleGirl
Hire someone to clean the gutters the next time. Way cheaper in the long run to hurting yourself. Think of Tunch and Lily… what would they do without you.
General Egali Tarian Stuck
@Betsy: Me neither, I used to love heights but after a couple dozen parachute jumps, I get shaky walking up a flight of stairs.
BethanyAnne
@Uloborus: I went online and watched the other 2 parts of the interview. That guy was amazingly dishonest. Every time JS would bring up a counter argument, he’d switch the topic. The whole judicial appointment thing. Stewart kept saying “there are 2 numbers here, and Bush’s is higher. There are knowable facts.” So, the guy switched to one particular type of justice. Squirm, squirm. And Stewart’s central point of confusing “tyranny” with “losing” seems more and more to be the essence of the disagreement.
Pigs & Spiders
Well that made my day. Good thing I’ll never be able to afford a house.
Kristine
Stepladders. A Werner ladder. Nice ladders. Very stable. Weigh a ton, unfortunately, so they may not work with your shoulder. But if you reach the point where you’re comfortable hefting it, nice ladder.
CynDee
Oh, John, I feel for you. The same thing NEARLY happened to me when I was on a roof trimming tree branches away from it.
Stupidly, I had climbed up there using an 8′ aluminum step ladder, standing free on the concrete below, not a longer, big heavy one leaning against the roof. The top of the ladder was a teeny bit lower than the edge of the roof. They tell you right on the ladder not to do this.
The reason I was doing this is that I had done it many times before and I’m stupid.
When I went to get down, reaching one leg first, my foot hit the side of the ladder top, and the ladder started to wobble and rock. It nearly tipped over, but miraculously did not. I would have been stranded for hours if the thing had fallen, as we are far from the street, and few people in our neighborhood go outside. Fortunately, most of my weight was still on the roof
New rules were instantly made:
1. Steven Covey: “Begin with the end in mind.”
2. Me: “Pay attention to the information in front of you– and think ahead about WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU, STUPID!”
3. Nobody goes up on the roof when alone at home.
4. If home alone, nobody goes up a ladder at all without telling someone they will be working on a ladder that day, with plans to be checked on.
Of course it’s certainly good to have your cell phone on you, but it could drop or get broken in a fall.
I have never felt more idiotic, embarrassed, angry and vulnerable than when I saw that ladder swaying back and forth and it was all my own fault.
If a smart and savvy guy like you can do something like that, I don’t feel quite so bad about myself anymore. This happened four years ago and I still perspire heavily when I think of it.
daverave
Here’s a mantra for the middle-aged:
Stay low and keep moving.
I’ve been a chronic and obsessive gutter cleaner my whole adult life, blissfully ignoring my little mantra. However, I had my hip replaced last month and I think I’m going to have to give up that little chore. The solution: Have the wife do it ;-)
One time in the midst of a huge downpour, one of my gutters was overflowing due to a clogged downspout. It was only ten feet up so I got out the metal ladder and went up (in my Crocs) to clear the obstruction, the ladder slipped, I fell, grabbed the edge of the gutter to break my bone and sliced two fingers to the bone. Man, that bled a lot. Then I had to deal with the US emergency health care system because my doc claimed he did not do stitches… eight hours later, blah, blah, blah. That fact alone should be enough to keep all of us from doing stupid stuff.
Karen
John Cole, you’ve just convinced me. I’m hiring a handy man. We have woodpeckers in our trees. We also have a 2 story house with the top story covered in wood, instead of the brick that’s on the bottom. Needless to say, we have holes. (I’ve put up holographic tape & wind chimes which stopped the majority of them, but some are just fearless.)
I have a husband who wears a leg brace, has no business on the 8 ft ladder extended all the way up & has the same fear of heights. I have a son I can’t pay to get up there, because of his heights phobia. I’m not allowed to climb on a ladder, even if I wanted to, because my husband knows I don’t heal well anymore. Plus I have the same fear they do.
So I’m gonna find a good handy man, with no fear of heights, who can fill, paint & overspray the holes with something a gardening expert guarantees will keep the stinkin’ birds away & clean the gutters. I have insurance to cover any accidents, in case the handy man falls.
stickler
Forget the gutter gadgets: Consumer Reports tested a few not long ago, and essentially said they were worthless. They just throw crap all over, when they don’t get themselves stuck. All the stuff they throw up on the roof? Yeah, it’s coming right back down into the gutter when it rains.
I agree with the “hire this job out” advice above. It’s not too much money and you’re less likely to DIE. A professor of mine fell off his roof while cleaning his gutters about ten years ago. Left behind a young wife and an eight year old daughter. Not cool.
Third Eye Open
@LGRooney: Yeah, my buddy told me the same thing. Him and his wife sold that place a few years back before moving to the People’s Republic of San Francisco, but I still give him shit for it…
eastriver
But you didn’t fall, JC. Right? Nothing bad actually happened. You realize that, right? You were scared, sure. And inconvenienced for 30 minutes. Which sucks.
But you weren’t hurt.
Not to minimize the horrific emotional pain you felt, BUT MAN THE FUCK UP.
(I remember you saying you were in the military. A Private in the Lullabye League, were you?)
WereBear
Geez, man, what part of rest and rehabilitation do you not get?
Glad for the happy ending, tho.
PurpleGirl
Forgot to add: Glad you’re not physically hurt.
daverave
that should read: “break my fall”, not break my “bone”
FWP
Comrade Rich
@Church Lady:
I’ll second that. It was the first thing we did to our house when we bought it in ’97, and I think the best investment I have ever made, bar none.
We have a giant hackberry tree growing over the inside of an L-shaped part of the (two-story) house. Also, that’s where the electrical service comes in. All kinds of bad waiting to happen there.
Seriously, John, consider LeafGuard.
Tsulagi
Ur doin it wrong. To clean our gutters I get up on the roof with a leaf blower. Then just walk around pointing the blower into the gutters blasting the shit out of them. Gets them way, way cleaner than you could possibly get by hand. Makes kind of a mess on the decks and ground, but then it’s on the ground so I can easily blow it away down there.
Roof does have really steep pitch in some areas so I use a climbing rope tied off to one of the skylight framing boxes. Worse thing that could happen is I’d slip going over the side but could climb back up. Well, unless I developed a Tunch-like figure then guess I’d have to wait for a rescue crane. Haven’t slipped yet.
LuciaMia
Probably cause her husband, Mr. Mitchell wouldn’t let her. Are you sure your real name isn’t Dennis?
Peter VE
If you go for the longer ladder, add a stabilizer ( a large U shaped attachment for the top of the ladder) . It helps even an agoraphobe like me climb up to my gutters about 30′ up. We have a picture my wife took of me on the upper level of the Leaning tower in Pisa (back when it was still open to the public) with a look of terror and my back glued to the wall. “face your fears”….
Lee Hartmann
I’m paying someone next time.
yep. I fell off the ladder the last time I tried to reach the
*reachable* part of the gutter and my spouse told me
to use my inconsiderable skills on something else.
you’re needed for more important things.
RedKitten
Trying to destroy the other shoulder, were you?
Jackass.
Randy P
@CynDee:
In my younger, even more stupid than now days, I used to do volunteer lighting work at a local community theater. Theater lights are hung from a “grid” of pipework, often high up on the ceiling. I loved being up in the grid. I still would love it. I kind of wish somebody would give me the opportunity to hang theater lights for fun. I’d do it in a heartbeat.
However, the way you got up into the grid in this shoestring-budget theater was to take their biggest step ladder, which was maybe 20 feet high, climb up to the top platform, reach up with your arms to the steel ladder hanging down from the grid, and do a little hop as the ladder swayed gently back and forth beneath you. This technique was invented by Russell, the 19-year-old who was doing their lighting design. His other technique was to go up into the balcony where you could easily climb up onto the decorative plaster ledge that went around the theater. Then you go hands and knees the entire length of the theater to where you can crawl out onto the grid.
Surprisingly, nobody ever got hurt doing the ladder thing. But the plaster gave way under Russell one day and he ended up dangling by his hands above the theater floor. I think he managed to pull himself up rather than drop, though I don’t recall for sure.
Those things I would not do. They no longer pass my “Well, that was stupid” test.
RedKitten
Oh, and I don’t understand the people who say not to have gutters. Maybe you like having a bunch of water dripping off the roof and down your neck when you’re trying to unlock your front door? Sam’s sitter doesn’t have gutters on her house, and it’s always fun to try to wrestle myself and Sam in his carrier into the door while standing under that steady drip of water.
Peter VE
Another possibility: if you have a leaf blower, make a PVC extension with a U at the end per this Fine Homebuilding sketch http://www.finehomebuilding.com/how-to/articles/safe-way-clean-gutters.aspx
Carrie
L0L
Good lord that was funny!
Thanks, i needed a good laugh.
Genine
It’s okay, John. Everything will be alright.
Rosalita
and you tried to tell us after the dandelion jihad that you were not a neat freak (someone commented on the stuff on your front porch). sounds pretty closed to OCD neat to me.
thanks for the LOL, I emailed this post to friends…
KRK
@nikita:
I know!
AnotherBruce
I just went through something similar. I was going to get a harness and tie myself off so I could work on the roof trimming some branches. I’m not really afraid of heights, in any phobic way, I’ve done some exposed scrambling before. But I am afraid of roofs and there is good reason, the pitch of a roof is designed to have water run off efficiently. It will also have a human being roll off of it efficiently. Anyway, though I had worked on the roof before and hated it, I decided to try this. As I was making the transition from ladder to roof, my body kept telling me NO! I listened, and climbed down the ladder.
Now I’m going to hire a pro to do it.
JSpencer
@The Bobs:
I used to have that memorized back in the day. I think it helped keep me from panicking a few times.
jeffreyw
@LGRooney: Long ago, during airborne training at Ft Benning, I was running up one of the training towers that they have set up (called the 34 ft tower-it was used to practice exiting the plane) when I came across a DI asking a trainee, who seemed to be gripping a post for dear life: “What do you mean you’re scared of hights? WTF are you doing here?!?” the trainee said “I was hoping to get over it”. Never saw that fellow again.
Linda Featheringill
LOL. Hee, hee.
And they wonder why we love you!
Go, John!
Bill H
@Randy P:
I also do not want my last words to be “Oh shit.”
Teri
John, are you sure Tunch didn’t whisper in your ear late last night; ” The gutters are filthy….you need to clean the gutters…oh by the way open all the albacore cans before you go out to clean the gutters…clean gutters are the mark of a happy homeowner….take the dog with you….clean the gutters” It is part of his plotting to get rid of you….especially now that you have provided a self feeding station with the bird attractors
Honus
@Carnacki: John, don’t listen to this guy. As you get older, go with shorter and shorter ladders. I was a carpenter for 20 years after college. When I turned 40, I got rid of all my extension ladders over 24′ Now I just have a couple of 6′ stepladders and I’m about through with them. RIP Max McGee
David in NY
As a general rule, don’t do jobs you don’t have the right tools for.
In this case, you needed a longer ladder and all would have been well (I think).
frankdawg
10 years ago I was painting my house. As I went up the ladder it slid, sideways, off the eave. I fell maybe 4 feet (I was only on the fourth rung up) but landed on my hip. My hip was driven into my pelvis fracturing it into 3 pieces. I know have 11 screws and 2 plates holding me together. Good times!
Omnes Omnibus
@jeffreyw: We had a couple of people who needed to be talked into going off the 34′ tower; oddly, once they went, they were fine through the rest of training and jumping. Luckily for me, heights aren’t really an issue (I’ve jumped, both civilian and military, and climbed a reasonable amount.), but I don’t like caves and tunnels. I am constantly aware of all the rock over my head. It is not debilitating, but it makes them vaguely unpleasant to enter.
Joshua Norton
I don’t have what I would consider an abnormal fear of heights because I don’t consider anything about a desire to avoid them to be abnormal.
Nothing good has ever come from any situation where one is up very high and then unexpectedly ends up down very low.
MattR
@RedKitten: It never even occurred to me that a house would not have gutters. I have to add that to my checklist of things to look for.
ChockFullO'Nuts
I can make myself break into a sweat just thinking about heights.
Mind you, I used to teach aerobatics. But oddly, I never feared heights in an airplane. Put me on a ladder or a high balcony and I start to sweat. I have never figured this out.
Josie
Your poor Mom – No wonder she got hysterical. I’d be willing to bet it’s not the first time either. Maybe you should check with her the next time you have a clever idea on how to clean something.
Randy P
@Omnes Omnibus: I’m OK with caves I think, but not narrow places. I can’t even handle reading about someone going through a cave passage where they have to squeeze.
Michael D.
@R-Jud:
I was thinking “idiot.” But nutcase works.
If I was John’s health insurance company, I’d make sure he was “recissioned” by the weekend.
IndyLib
@jeffreyw:
When my husband was a Navy RDC, he would get about 3 recruits per division who would wait until they were standing in trunks at the side of the pool, ready to begin their week of water training, to tell him they were afraid of the water.
Poopyman
@Tom in TN:
Fixed.
Corner Stone
Sweet baby jeebus. Are you sure you’re not the kid from the Final Destination movies?
bemused
I have to laugh at the HGTV segments where the buyers are so happy they’ve chosen a ‘move in ready’ house.
We thought we just had to clean garage gutters. However, we discovered that squirrels had moved in to make nests which was causing things to rot. Ended up replacing soffits & gutters. It’s been a war on squirrels ever since.
Poopyman
Is it impolitic to point out God created illegal immigrants for this kind of work?
Redshift
@Comrade Rich: Third! About gutter covers in general, not necessarily the specific brand. We had a gum tree in our back yard when we moved in, and despite trying to keep up with the gumballs that accumulated in the gutter (and everywhere else), the first winter there were enough in there to block it up and cause it to fill with ice and fall off the house. I installed the vinyl screens, and they didn’t stand up to it either. As soon as I could afford it I got gutter covers installed (since I had to get new gutters) and I haven’t had a problem, or had to clean out the gutters at all.
Seriously, this is a “do it once and forget about it” solution. Don’t mess around with equipment or geek toys or services or neighborhood kids.
Omnes Omnibus
@Randy P: These primal fears are interesting. Earlier this year my wife and I were on a driving trip through the southern states and, as we were going between Louisville and Nashville, she saw the signs for Mammoth Cave, so she insisted that we go. She had read about it in geography calss in Romania when she was a wee tyke. She loved every second underground; I did not. On the other hand, any time we are near a cliff, she gets terrified within 6′ of the edge and almost loses it when I walk up to the edge.
Just Some Fuckhead
John, since we’ve taken our bromance to the next level, I can help you with these things. I happen to be a home improvement/project nut and recently cleaned out my own gutters.
The first mistake you made was climbing up on the roof without someone holding the ladder from below. You should have also pulled up a water hose to wash out the downspouts. They have a tendency to get clogged up near the top.
Call me next time.
MattR
@bemused: This whole thread is not helping my confidence as I go from condo dweller to homeowner (if I can find the right home).
twiffer
@nikita: i have to defend john here. if he was a neat freak, the gutters wouldn’t have become clogged in the first place.
Poopyman
@Cat Lady:
Mrs. Mitchell would have been Dennis’ mother. I think this means that Cole is really Mr. Wilson, which explains a lot.
RedKitten
@twiffer: Sure they would have. John just bought the house recently. The gutter-clogging can be laid squarely at the feet of the prior homeowner.
pika
I assume that you had put Tunch to work also, cleaning out the refrigerator.
stuckinred
@Poopyman: That’s what we have down here in Georgia!
Tiparillo
Looks like its time for Life Alert for our poor Mr. Cole:
Help, my ladders fallen, and I can’t get down!
stuckinred
@Tiparillo: And order the clapper while you’re at it!
bemused
@MattR:
Don’t let all of us bitching homeowners scare you off. I love not looking out my windows right into neighbors windows. I love the privacy…not that I’ve ever gone out the back door naked but I could without scaring anyone if I wanted to. I love being able to do whatever we want to the inside & outside of the house even if it means money & time. And I love that our house is paid off, finally.
Tiparillo
@Poopyman: Not if your George Will
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@cleek:
I live where those bands of traveling rednecks originate. That explains so much. The vast sea of rednecks here wouldn’t be caught dead doing that? Why? It’s work and they’re too fucking lazy to do anything if it doesn’t involve sitting on their ass and driving something around.
I remember when I moved here, my boss at the time, a real asshole, once explained why he wouldn’t let the office go onto some kind of alternative work schedule. He said it had something to do with the “vaunted Midwest work ethic”.
14 years later and I’m still struggling to find it.
twiffer
@MattR: all that stuff that was covered in condo fees? you’ve got to pay for it yourself now. on the upside, it can be cheaper. on the downside, owning a home can be a fuck-load of work.
for instance, despite actually enjoying mowing the lawn myself, i am seriously considering hiring a service. i simply don’t have time to do it unless i take time off from work. or, to amend, i have the time, but it would entail spending less time with my wife and son, so the lawn care gets scrapped. the previous owners added central AC some years ago, but left the electric service @ 100amps. that need to be taken care of so the lights don’t dim when the AC kicks on. roof needs to be reshingled. i have the joy of windows that are original, 1964 vintage. needless to say, they are drafty. and so on goes the list of things, major and minor, that need to be seen to.
not to discourage. there is something very nice about having your own place, with the neighbors more than a wall’s width away. but a lot of work involved. though, being your own place, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Cris:
In those cases, we’d convene a Death Panel.
Cris
Mine very well be. Every time I’ve been in any kind of collision, be it automobile or bicycle, that’s exactly the phrase that involuntarily emerged. Does that say something about where this atheist takes refuge?
Rosalita
Me too! Love to fly, my friend has a four-seater plane and it’s heaven. Put me in a car on a mountain road with drop offs to the side and it’s complete and total fear.
FreeAtLast
John, I hate to say this, but I think you need a woman (i.e. someone with common sense) in your life. No effin’ way would I allow my guy to even get on a ladder after that kind of shoulder injury.
Tiparillo
@Bill H: Better than “Dude, watch this….”
General Egali Tarian Stuck
@jeffreyw: Ah yes, the 34 foot tower. I still have a busted tooth from catching a buddy at the end of the pulley line. Other than that it was kind of fun.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
I should also add that most of my neighbors don’t have the gutter issue because they “top” their trees.
They hate us because we have these magnificent elms and maples that tower over them. They live in fear that one will fall and hit their house.
I caught the one asshole across the street last fall trying to dump leaves in my yard. I walked up to her and said “are you fucking crazy. Now get the fuck off my property and never set foot on it again.”
I then dumped the leaves out in the street, pulled out a lawn chair and a cooler of Tastee Adult Beverages and watched her stew as they blew about
MattR
@bemused: I have actually been meaning to send an email to friends asking for advice on the things I am going to forget to check. But you guys have been doing a nice job of giving me a list.
I actually don’t hate the condo life, and I am not gonna get too much privacy wherever I move (likely will be a 50X100 plot), but working from home in a 1 BR apt is killing me. And if I am going to go through all the hassle and cost of sellling and buying to get extra space for an office then I might as well get some of the nice things you mentioned (ie. nobody on either side, above or below; the ability to BBQ or to modify the place as I like or to do laundry at 1 am)
@twiffer: If you have a son, then why are you the one mowing the lawn? :)
My search is a two step process. First I eliminate houses based on things like space, layout or obvious work that needs to be done. Then mom comes with me on the second pass and helps me pay closer attention to all those things you mentioned.
freelancer
Me and my buddy’s gf on south Papago rock in Scottsdale.
I had assumed my fear of heights went away, until we decided to all go up and scamper around on it. I am freaking the fuck out, because the texture of the rock looks exactly like country road loose gravel. So my brain is screaming “FER God’s sakes you idiot, don’t step there! You’re going to slip!” even though my shoes are getting decent grip.
Meanwhile my buddy, like a Gecko has climbed 2/3rds of the way up the Rock and is taking a picture of us. Looking UP at him is scaring the shit out of me. “OMFG, he’s gonna fall! WTF is he doing up there?! He doesn’t have insurance! Is he insane?“
Back in the car later, recovering from the adrenaline rush of being absolutely terrified, I’m shaking my head going “What in the fuck is wrong with me?”
Good times.
:D
Poopyman
@Cris:
I do believe I’ve read that those are also the last words most commonly found on aircraft black box recorders. Seriously.
PTirebiter
Hiring someone to clean your gutters? Please remember that you’re Lily’s reference when she’s sizing up suitable male friends. Take Carnaki’s advice and invest in a high quality ladder. Get one that’s at least a few feet higher than roof, has self leveling feet with reversable spikes and can be tethered to the roof. It will pay for itself and your neighbors will love you for it.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Tsulagi:
My neighbors would love you. Collectively, none of them have never met a 2-stroke motor device they didn’t purchase. I’ve seen one use a leaf blower as a billows for a smoker once. The same assholes I referenced above use their leaf blower almost daily to get the little flecks of who knows what off their sidewalks, they’re *that* OCD.
Your approach wouldn’t work on my roofs, the pitch is waaaay too steep.
TooManyJens
One of the most frightening experiences I ever had was riding a horse on a narrow trail in Arizona, right along the edge of a cliff. Take the fear of being right next to a long, sheer drop, and add to it the fact that you’re not actually in control of what happens.
I finally had to just relax and trust that the horse didn’t want to go over the cliff any more than I did. We were fine, of course, but it was terrifying.
John Cole
I was never in any risk of danger.
And Eastriver:
Is it wrong to hope you get rectal cancer? All you ever do is show up and bitch and moan about one thing or another.
I wasn’t complaining or whining. I was sharing a funny story with people. Nothing to “man up” about, you ponce.
Foxhunter
@comrade scott’s agenda of rage: You do know they make electric/plug-in leaf blowers. Right?
Not everyone rushes to the Stihl/Echo section of the harware store.
Svensker
I discovered a heretofore unknown fear of heights when I was up on the not-very-high roof of our back covered patio, painting the windows. My husband and son drove off to Home Depot to get some stuff leaving me there and when I went to get down — which involved about a 3″ stretch to reach the ladder — I could not do it. Got down on my knees and tried to stretch, tried it from every different angle, could not do it. Hub and son were gone about an hour and by the time they got back I was sitting on the roof right next to the ladder sobbing hysterically.
It does not help to tell yourself that it’s a phobia, all in your mind. Doesn’t do a dang thing.
General Egali Tarian Stuck
Ponce?That’s a new one for me. I like it, has more oomph! than putz. Filed into my insult repertoire for future use.
RedKitten
That’s what you thought when you were mopping. And we all know how well THAT turned out. Your sense of when a situation is dangerous? Sorry, but it’s not to be trusted, Calamity John.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Poopyman:
Legal is good too. Alas, where I am, there are *no* people of color in the county, I shit you not. Again, it’s all the inbred locals or outsider PWT looking to “retire” on disbilty. I’d pay legal immigrants good money to do a lot of this stuff since nobody here will do it.
Or if they do, again, it’s only the “I’ll sit on my big riding mower” kind of work and then try to mow your lawn every other day so as to bleed you dry money wise.
It’s times like this that I wonder how I ever let my wife talk us into moving here.
Omnes Omnibus
@John Cole:
Most of the funny/memorable stories I have from the military involve someone getting, or almost getting, hurt doing something stupid/dangerous/odd.
Cris
Sure, you say that now. That’s not what your adrenals were telling you then.
Ivan Ivanovich Renko
I don’t do heights that well, either. I once went out on the roof to paint a soffet(?) ( the house had a three-level roof, I was on one of the lower levels) and FROZE SOLID. I couldn’t even get to the ladder (which was right there). I edged over to a window, and somehow squoze my fat ass inside.
And called a painter. Cost me a whole hundred bucks– and I don’t do roofs anymore. Bugger it. If I can’t afford to pay someone else to get up there, it ain’t happenin’.
Just sayin’.
TuiMel
Cole, you are a treasure. Treat yourself to something for this ordeal, ok? If I could I would send you a bottle of wine.
MattR
@Svensker: Living alone, my biggest fear is getting stuck in a situation like that without a cell phone. I am notoriously bad at taking my phone when going out to walk the dog. (Thankfully I did have it the one time I locked myself out and now I am overly conscientious about my keys when I go out, but still not the phone)
low-tech cyclist
You know the best way to clean your gutters? With a blower, while standing on the ground.
Here’s how I do mine: the Ridgid 12-gallon wet-dry vac‘s motor housing comes off, and is designed so you can attach things in reverse to use it as a blower. And it’s a damned powerful one, too.
If your gutters are 2 stories up, when you buy the vac at Home Dopey or wherever, get a few extra of the long, straight pieces (shown in above link) for extra reach. Then if they don’t sell one in the store, order the gutter nozzle shown here. With 4-5 straight pieces, a gutter nozzle, and a blower nozzle, you can stand on the ground or a few steps up on a ladder, and reach the blower over the top of the gutter.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Foxhunter:
Actually I didn’t. I should have since I have two electric chainsaws (all my neighbors have the gas powered variety as you’ve guessed) and love em.
And it’s a residency requirement here in East Bumblefuck to have at least 1 vehicle per person in the household, said vehicle has to include a truck or oversized SUV, at least one other vehicle you can ride on (mule, ATV, motorcycle, etc), at least one gas-powered water craft, a crapload of 2-stroke motor-powered “garden” equipment and you hafta rush to the Stihl/Echo section of the hardware store each and every time you enter it.
If you don’t meet those requirements, you’re ostracized. Oh yeah, and if you weren’t born here.
Omnes Omnibus
@Svensker: If you ever do rappelling, there is a moment as you lean back where you feel like you are just going lose balance and plummet to the ground. I would guess you hit something similar in your lizard brain.
sacrablue
I guess I missed the part where you bought this place, John. I thought you were a renter. If you are renting, you are paying the landlord to get the gutters cleaned. Stop the martyr routine. Your worse than my late grandmother. Poor Tunch will starve to death if you have to spend any more time in the hospital. And who will fill the birdfeeders?
Redshift
@MattR: Heh. Near the top of our list was not having a neighborhood association that was empowered to tell us to do anything. Never regretted that decision.
Svensker
@General Egali Tarian Stuck:
Ponce is an old Britishism for faggot.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Svensker:
Most definitely not one of John’s best choices of insults.
I thought “wanker” would have been most appropriate.
Randy P
@comrade scott’s agenda of rage:
Are you required to keep at least one vehicle up on cinder blocks in the front yard too? I think I’ve met your neighbors.
Re: gutter guys cruising around in trucks. We used to have a guy named Curly who’d show up a couple of times a year with a buddy in a truck. He’d do the gutters for $40 and was very conscientious. I never worried about the work, just about whether he’d hurt himself. He’d even take a check, something I never thought about till one day he told me that what he would do is take it to the check-cashing place in the shopping center across the street, as he didn’t have a bank account.
Somehow the fact of not having a bank account struck me as the biggest gap between his life and mine.
We don’t have a Curly in our current neighborhood in southeast PA.
AnotherBruce
@Cris:
That’s exactly right, don’t listen to your brain on this one Cole, your body doesn’t shake because you’re not in danger.
Robert
I have crazy high second-story gutters, and lots of tall, old oak trees. Had gutter guards installed on the second story like seven or eight years ago. Haven’t regretted it, they still work great. On the first-story gutters, I have an attachment for my leaf blower that’s basically a 10-foot tube that points up, then hooks down at the end to blow all the debris out of the gutters. Works like a charm. Maybe once a year, I might have to get on a ladder to scoop out gunk near the downspouts, but that’s it.
Svensker
@Omnes Omnibus:
Used to do mountain scrambling — which is trying to keep up with your dad and big brother when they are hauling ass up or down a mountain side on the lookout for a fishing stream — and never had any problem with it. And once jumped out of a perfectly good airplane just to see what that was like (it was a lot of fun).
But now I cannot get anywhere close to an edge of a tiny height without becoming paralyzed and covered with sweat.
The way you describe rapelling I am fairly certain it is an activity which I will never undertake.
ChockFullO'Nuts
@freelancer:
You guys in Phoenix? Drinking Liberally tonight at George and Dragon. Some congressional candidate is going to be there.
We’ll buy any BJer a beer.
Or, near beer.
MattR
@Redshift:
Luckily I have not had any issues with mine (other than the no BBQ thing which is actually a state/county ordinance). But then again, our association is run by a man named Bill Clinton.
flukebucket
I am horrified of heights also too.
Once I had to climb a ladder to get up on top of a building with a roofer. I did not want to show my absolute fear so I manned up and climbed the ladder behind him. Finally made it onto the roof and felt great about myself until I took two steps and put my foot through a damn skylight panel.
I hate heights.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Randy P:
That’s one county over where everybody is descended from the Scotch-Irish (ala all the people who settled the Appalachians and then the Ozarks). My county, everybody’s from the German immigrants of the 1840s. They are far too OCD to allow that sort of thing to happen.
Actually, you can always tell who the stereotypical “outsiders” are here, they’re the ones with the 1993 Olds up on blocks. The “insiders” (natives) are the neat freaks with more motorized gizmoes than anybody around.
Your comment about “knowing my neighbors” simply reinforces something I’ve said since I moved here:
Appalachia Is A State of Mind.
I say that as a not-so-proud graduate of the West Virginia public school system.
mslarry
@Uloborus:
oh honey, spare yourself the heartache and DO. NOT. WATCH. the rest of the interview. I did and I’m still reeling. It wasn’t that he refused to answer any of Jon’s questions, he simply COULD NOT answer any of his questions. It is truly a sad day when a “politician” can be stumped by a comedian. UGH!
srv
John is now the crazy guy in his new neighborhood. Is that why you had to leave the old one?
edit: Maybe there needs to be a WV/PA Balloon-Juice Rescue Force. There could be a Lilly Brigade and Tunch Brigade.
Laura Clawson
I somehow managed to realize that I was afraid of heights while rock-climbing. It was awesome.
freelancer
@ChockFullO’Nuts:
Sadly, I’m back in Omaha…for now. Though the trip down there convinced me that, yeah, as much as I hate winter, I should probably GTFO of the Midwest. So if all goes well, I’ll be living in AZ in 6-8 months.
Ben H.
Jump back on that horse that bucked you off, John! Ease into it, though. Start w/sky-diving and rock-climbing. Then move on to wing-suits and free solo-ing. Or maybe just watch videos of all of the above. Please post vid of yourself watching these vids, w/closeups of your feet.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@freelancer:
Hope you’re white, otherwise, start looking for real estate south of the border.
Svensker
@Laura Clawson:
Oh, God. How horrible. I broke into a cold sweat just thinking about that.
Foxhunter
@comrade scott’s agenda of rage:
Do you live in my neighborhood? LOL.
In general terms, where exactly, is your East Bumblefuck? Mine is in suburban Atlanta where you aptly describe a majority of my neighbors.
asiangrrlMN
Before I read the comments, I am just going to say, I told you so, Cole! Oh, I thought you’d hurt your shoulder again, but I knew no good could come out of you shinnying up your roof to do the gutters. No sympathy here, just tough love. I’m glad you decided to hire someone next time. Oh, and I guess I’m glad you didn’t get hurt–other than your ego, of course.
P.S. You’re afraid of heights and still went up? Tsk tsk.
@James F. Elliott: That’s actually what I use. From the ground. Works wonderfully.
danimal
I installed gutters last summer with my girlfriend. She put me to shame as I hesitatingly climbed the ladder following her. She claims she has no fear of heights, just a fear of falling and going splat. Somehow that didn’t completely ease my fears.
But, yes, we successfully installed the gutter and I’ve been opening my door drip-free all winter long. These grueling SoCal winters are a killer, I tell you.
mr. whipple
One summer in college I worked with this guy who did exterioror painting. He used some sort of rig that had jackable posts on each end that held a long board about a foot wide to stand on. And one day we’re up painting on the third floor, and one end of the jack slipped about a foot, and we’re standing there as the board goes boingboingboing until it stopped.
The next gig was a silo, and I told him he needed to find someone else.
IndyLib
@MattR:
You live in a place where it’s against a state or county ordinance to have a BBQ? In America? I thought that was unconstitutional?
Elie
@jackie:
Very wise.
With my husband, he forgets this each time and has to re-experience the pain/suffering yet again before he is reminded why people pay others to do things. Its Ground Hog day each time though, and I have to make the same argument again and let him go through some part of some horrible task (and he is not a handy guy either), before he remembers, “Ahah! maybe I should pay someone to do this after all!”
trollhattan
@freelancer:
I love the scale of that photo. Without the two peeps and the tree, it could be a closeup of a small hunk of lava rock. Kewhl.
D-Chance.
Her response was to break out into hysterics.
Hysterical laughter, I’m sure…
Mark S.
OT-Frank Luntz with my favorite argument for why we can’t raise taxes on the rich:
The new Republican tax plan: No taxes on anyone who can afford a tax lawyer.
jeffreyw
@Omnes Omnibus: Went rappelling with the gang soon after I got out of the army. Went to a local park that had some decent drops, tied off to a tree atop one and had a go. GF at the time was leery but I talked her into it, all it’s so safe! no worries! She inched herself down to within 8′ of the ground and then her hair got caught in the carabiner-all twisted in there with the rope. I ended up with a guy on my shoulders with a knife to hack her free. Told him to be careful of the rope. Good times.
R-Jud
@Laura Clawson: Same thing happened to me, and I got a serious case of the shakes. Fortunately I had several companions who were able to help me out.
briber
John,
Seems like everyone has some advice but no one has a link for you.
Try this: The Extended Reach Gutter Cleaning Wand
I think the picture sells the product quite well.
dianne
We have tile roofs where I live and there is a disclaimer on our roof policy that the roof can’t ever be walked on. It cracks the tiles and causes leaks into the tar paper underneath. We had our chimney repaired and, sure enough, got a roof leak when the repairman cracked a tile.
Haven’t had to get up there since and hope we don’t have to.
MattR
@IndyLib: I can have an electric grill, but no open flame. I assume the reason is that there is another porch right above me. I think the townhouses in our development are allowed to have them. And I think I am allowed to grill out in the driveway (At least I am gonna find out about that last one pretty soon if I dont sell the place)
(EDIT: And this isn’t America. It’s New Jersey)
freelancer
@trollhattan:
Yeah, and Papago is really tiny compared to some of the surrounding mountains. Alex says he wants to climb Camelback. Good luck with that.
IndyLib
@MattR:
LOl Ok, makes sense now. And if New Jersey isn’t America and I doubt it’s part of ‘Merrica, what exactly is it?
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Foxhunter:
I live in Osage County Missouri. It’s east of the equally podunk state capitol in Jefferson City. In 2008, we were the second reddest county in the state. Yes, this stretch is as wingnutty as the better known SW corner of the state.
Rosalita
@John Cole:
That was as entertaining as the original post…well done John
MattR
@IndyLib: Jersey just is.
mai naem
I have to say when I read the Mrs. Mitchell bit, I thought of Dennis the Menace. Also too, why couldn’t you get Tunchmeister to come up and bring you the phone?
MattR
@mai naem: I have to add a few things to my new house checklist
1) Get a cat
2) Buy a phone harness for the cat
3) Teach the dog to put the cell phone in the cat’s harness
4) Teach the cat to come to me with the phone
Which step is gonna be the most difficult?
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR: Step 4, obviously.
eco2geek
@John Cole:
Nothing wrong with that. My philosophy is, if you can’t complain, you’re not trying hard enough.
The story would have been even funnier if, somehow, Tunch had a way to get up and down from the roof and walked across it while you were stuck there.
MattR
@Omnes Omnibus: Personally I think steps 3 and 4 are tied at “not gonna happen”
Mart
Old work pal fell off a ladder cleaning his gutters and snapped his spinal cord. He is paralyzed. I am not sure if I will clean the gutters myself again. OK with heights, not OK with a broken back.
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR: Dogs can be bribed into learning using treats and belly rubs. Cats do what they want, if they want to.
MattR
@Omnes Omnibus: That’s true, but I can’t see the cat letting the dog put the phone in the harness (assuming that I can ever get the harness on in the first place)
eastriver
@John Cole:
I “show up” when you say something stupid, JC.
And you said a whole lotta stupid in your tedious, unfunny gutters story.
I wasn’t bitching or moaning. I was accusing you of behaving like a little girl.
I’m glad you had the chance to expand the General’s vocabulary, poofta.*
*my turn. Go buy an unabridged OED, Generally Stuck.
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR: Touche. Have you thought of getting a remote control catapult to launch your phone up to you? You just need to make sure you bring the remote with you. What could go wrong?
WereBear
Obviously, some people have not heard of the Moscow Cat Circus.
Mart
@eastriver: Which begs the question – why do you show up at all?
twiffer
@MattR: he does. it’s just that his lawn mower blows bubbles.
[grin]
MattR
@Omnes Omnibus: Maybe if the remote comes hidden in a tuna can? Or maybe just something like this that comes with a turbo boost?
@WereBear: But I don’t live in Moscow.
bemused
@Mark S.:
I remember G W saying something similar in townhall forum about the rich, that there are always loopholes that they find. iow, it’s no use to tax the rich but the rest of us pee-ons should just shut up as long as we don’t make enough money to use the loopholes & hire tax guys to find them for us.
LT
Lying on your belly on the roof doing the gutters? Really? That would scare me more than squatting, which I’ve done, and hate.
And you’ve spelled stomach like that once before. Is it a Belizian spelling or something?
Fern
I am seriously afraid of heights, and to me, anything above the third step of a ladder is a height.
kommrade reproductive vigor
I give up. When a guy who is still recovering from major reconstructive surgery to his shoulder gets on his roof the only thing to do is start a celebrity death watch.
Blue Neponset
@eastriver:
Didn’t Gazoo on the Flintstones do that too or did he have to be summoned? I can’t remember and it seem important to know this for some reason.
Bad Horse's Filly
Can. Not. Catch. My. Breath. Am Laughing Too Hard…and I’m only up to #55. Have to read the rest later so the guys in the other room stop asking me what I’m laughing at (because I’m sure they know it’s not Mr. John Smith’s contract for a solar thermal installation.)
bemused
In previous thread, I had to take a double take at the pic of Tunch eating that ginornmous heap of tuna. Wow, that’s an human adult serving size. I used to give our old kitty (lived to 19) a tsp of tuna when I made a sandwich for a treat. Maybe an occasional little piece of cheese. But then we were trying to keep the old girl’s pounds at her right weight due to her arthritis. Sorry I mentioned the weight thing.
Cris
But Urban Dictionary tells me it’s so much more.
MattR
@bemused:
When talking about Tunch it is hard not to.
KRK
A few years ago my brother-in-law slipped of the roof of their house while wrestling with a tarp. He thankfully managed to avoid impaling himself on the steel bar sticking up from the ground just below him, but he did end up with a compound fracture of his upper arm and a badass lightning bolt scar from shoulder to elbow.
He’s a big guy, not particularly light on his feet. He said that as he was flying through the air what came to mind was that to save himself he needed to fall (and land) like a cat. So, maybe some tips from Tunch (in exchange for more tuna, naturally) would help.
Mark S.
@bemused:
Yeah, I remember W making that argument (I think it was in an interview with some Fox lackey). It’s like saying we shouldn’t have any laws about white collar crime because those guys are so smart and can afford the good lawyers so what’s the point?
bemused
@MattR:
Heh. Tunch looks temptingly squeezable to me. I just hope that grande tuna lunch was in place of a regular cat food meal instead of addition to.
Svensker
@Cris:
Did not realize all the nuance involved in “ponce” – thought it was a straight up equivalent of poofter, which has always been a favorite word…not so much for what it means but for how it sounds.
trollhattan
@Cris:
And here I thought it was just a character on “CHiPs.”
kdaug
@MattR:
Wha??? A “No BBQ” ordinance?
You, sir, are not in Austin. Here we have “Grill Mandates”.
bemused
@Mark S.:
He must have said that more than once because I can picture him standing talking to an adoring handpicked bunch of people. I remember being stunned that he would say that straight out. What I don’t remember is any R’s now tea partiers getting excited about that.
KS in MA
@Randy P: This.
Hire somebody, Mr. Cole!
Josie
@eastriver: The only possible explanation I can conceive of for your asshole comments is that you are jealous of the enjoyment we all get from John’s hilarious stories and the fact that we really do care what happens to him and his pets. You must be a very lonely person.
Chuck Butcher
@John Cole:
Bullshit. I make a living with ladders, I will carry 90lb bundles of shingles up 40 foot extension ladders and climb up 12 pitch roofs (45 degrees) on roof jacks. People who have worked for me (and me) have to be able to climb around on trusses and etc. I use power and air tools that will eat you and the most dangerous tool on the job is a ladder.
A fear of heights is what it is, no judgement – but the rule is simple: if you’re scared half to death the chances you will do something stupid are exponentially greater. You will do that stupidity fighting against the fear or in result of the fear. You cannot work for me, I won’t have it.
If you hire an amateur you are liable, if you hire a professional they’re on their own. It’s your money, but penny wise pound foolish springs to mind.
Martian Buddy
@Poopyman:
On the subject of phobias, I can relate. My fear of the dark is strong enough that I always sleep with a light on and wake up immediately if the power goes out or the bulb burns out.
Ironically, going for walks at night gives me no trouble at all–there’s still enough ambient light for me to be comfortable.
CynDee
@Poopyman: What God made for this kind of work is called Common Sense, which don’t need no Green Card.
@FreeAtLast: Maybe yes, maybe no. My sister often returns home from the grocery to find her husband on the roof. In flip-flops. He’s not supposed to be up there–he’s a heart patient. He finds a lot that needs doing up there. He says “I intend to live my life.” We all hope so . . .
@John: I know it’s none of my business, but since you’re sharing, I’m
consumed withhave a teensy bit of interest: what did your dad say when he saw you?AND what else did you expect your mom to do, anyway? God knows she has enough things to make her open her eyes at 3 a.m. worrying about you for the rest of her / your life. It will be real hard for her now not to wake up your dad and say, “Mr. Cole, you don’t suppose John is stranded on his roof, do you?? Maybe we should give him a call.”
JGabriel
eastriver:
I laughed at it, out loud. It couldn’t have been that unfunny.
So, John Cole, for the record, I enjoyed the story. And I was laughing with you, not at you.
.
Just Some Fuckhead
Ya know, I happen to enjoy eastriver’s post-primary contributions to the commentary. We can’t all be sitting around tongue-bathing John while waiting for pet pr0n.
John can take care of himself without all you mommies freaking out. Didn’t he get himself off the roof without breaking anything else?
Gravenstone
Once upon a life, I was helping friends tear the old cedar shakes (hatehateHATE them after that experience) off their roofs in preparation of installing new shingles. I was on a single story back section with one of them, when he started to slide towards the edge because the underlayment he was standing on tore loose. He also happened to be sliding straight for the debris pile, chock full of nails and nasty sharp bits. Without thinking, I fell flat on the spine of the roof, reached out and snagged an arm just as he went flailing over the edge. Fun times, fun times.
I also have a weird outlook on heights. Up to 10′, no great shakes. Between 10 and about 40′, I’m petrified. Above that, back to no great shakes. I’ve rationalized it with my injury potential – below, likely no harm; above, I probably die – in between, I probably fuck myself up but good!
MattR
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Given that he had to call his mommy to come and fix things, I don’t think it is a shining example of John’s ability to handle things on his own.
CynDee
@eastriver:
All I know is that I was having trouble pulling myself out of a lousy day until I read John’s gutter story. Him sharing the laughs, and then reading the comments, including yours, helped me laugh at myself and now I’m happy and getting things done. Thank you, everyone for the extremely high entertainment value today and all the new safety tips. And fresh political insights.
IMHO, John is a real man 24 hours a day, and my friend General ET Stuck don’t need no stinkin’ OED, though I’m certain he’s the type who values and uses it.
And you all out there with an extra UA Emily Post, let’s just send them along to eastriver; he feels like a meanie today, but I’ll bet he just needs to have a warm meal and pet a critter.
licensed to kill time
This reminds me of an episode of Two and a Half Men, when Allen (Jon Cryer) crawls up on the roof to fix the satellite dish and falls off. Every single character kept saying to him “You should call the guy. Why didn’t you call the guy?”
John, next time Call The Guy. Glad you’re ok!
Schmegma
Hey John Cole,
Got a question for ya; considering all of the fervent hope and urgency the wingnutters have placed on “taking back their country” in November, what do you think will happen if they actually FAIL to take back either the House or the Senate??
Do they go all McVey on us? Do we see ‘Peak-TeaBagging? Does their collective fat, white head explode ala ‘Scanners?’
Josie
@Just Some Fuckhead: Guilty as charged, JSF, and I wouldn’t change for you or anyone. I’ve spent the last 35 years of my life being a mommy to three real men (boys, originally) and I can’t stop now. You and John will just have to put up with it.
David in NY
Interesting. There is absolutely no possibility (0.0%) that this thread could exist on a right wing blog. Absolutely none.
(And we could do a test. I believe that there is no mention of politics at any point here. So just show it to somebody and ask. They’ll tell you this is a bunch of liberals.)
Edit: Oh, hell. The moment I say this, comment 233 chimes in. Forget the test.
LanceThruster
At least you were roof mobil.
I once caught the corner of my thumb with the power stapler while roofing the garage and had to wait for one of the neighbors’ kids in the back yard (I was facing away from the street) to get help and send up a pair of wire cutters to cut me loose. I was dealing with the “trauma” (only punctured skin, no nail) alright until that time I pulled my thumb away and then the blood flowed freely as the staple no longer plugged the hole (I go faint at the sight of blood, particularly my own)
Following a short break to regroup, I climbed back up to finish. I had fallen off that same roof as a kid but landed on my head so I was OK. My dad must have had a near heart attack when I slipped and rolled onto the dirt and grass below (no concrete apron).
That “roof of death” (el techo de la muerte) is clearly out to get me! How about a little fire there, Scarecrow?
Anne Laurie
@Tom in TN:
We tried that for three winters, after the 50-year-old gutters were removed so the windows & trim could be re-done. Apart from the sheet-of-water-down-your-neck effect Redkitten mentioned during every rain, during the winter, three-foot-long icicle spears formed directly over the front door — after a really nasty thaw & freeze cycle, they’d block the door shut. And all year round, the water sheeting off the roof tended to puddle in the driveway, which meant six months of wet feet and six months of involuntary ice-skating. Then one particularly rainy spring, the water pooling around the foundation leaked in, badly damaged the basement walls, and almost took out part of the Spousal Unit’s book collection before we discovered it. So now we have covered gutters all along the front (southern exposure) side of the house, and everyone’s much happier.
General Egali Tarian Stuck
@CynDee: Thank you so much Cyndee, but for once in the miserable existence that is our eastriver, he wasn’t entirely wrong about the dictionary jab. It has been a struggle lerning english after growing up in Hillbillystan. I mostly blame Cole for not restoring the dictionary function after the Great BJ WP Meltdown. But that is a story for another day. :-)
General Egali Tarian Stuck
Beavis and fuckhead?
CynDee
@General Egali Tarian Stuck: You are VERY well-spoken–highly readable with a natural talent for using language well. Sorry for the effort it has taken, but we all have it in some way. The more we want to use language well, the more we have to go chasing after the details.” Maybe that’s why Rethugs like to lie; they don’t have to bother to pay attention to meanings.
As a point of interest, Volume III (Cham-Creeky) of the Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition, starting on page 465, has a full column devoted to Cole.
Definition 1 is “A general name for various species of Brassica.” Well, the BJ community could pick that up and go a ways with it.
Under 1b we have “. . . a kind of Brassica forming a ‘cabbage’ or head, as the common cabbage.” Could go a ways with that, too.
The rest of the column, refers to various terms “of uncertain etymology, and even of uncertain existence . . .” including “A conjuring trick; jugglery,” “cow,” “coal,” the verbs to cull and to slay, and a proper name, “Colle.”
So there ya go. Let’s vote to reinstate the dictionary feature. I can’t be doing this all the time.
Comrade Mary
This famous Spanish path needs a little maintenance. This video is SO not for people with serious fear of heights.
Toast
@John Cole: Lemme guess: Cape with a dormer roof in back?
Anne Laurie
@MattR:
This is a GOOD rule. Every summer the Boston tv newscrews get a couple days’ free entertainment out of tripledeckers (or duplexes, or sometimes apartment complexes) going up in flames because somebody didn’t realize even a ten-dollar hibachi can blaze up and catch the overhead neighbor’s deck on fire… or that “leftover” hot coals will smoulder hot enough to set the siding ablaze after they leave the grill pushed up against the wall overnight.
And, yes, there are all sorts of ordinances about it, but if everybody paid attention to such laws we wouldn’t have the Darwin Awards, would we?
Loon Juice
When I was younger and stupider I cleaned the gutters of my dad’s house while on an aluminum ladder. I noticed towards the end of the cleaning that I was standing on a metal ladder about a foot from the electrical lines. I’m much too incompetent to clean the gutters that stand three floors up on my current house. I hire someone for about $250.00 and they do a good job of it, they even check the gutters to make sure that they are securely fastened.
Oh. and I melted the siding of a prior house with a gas grill in the past too.
And I once opened a radiator cap on an overheating car. It gurgled a lot but fortunately did not melt my face.
SiubhanDuinne
Next time, what you do is to Furminate Tunch (it *might* take two Furminations, you be the judge), then take the Furminated fur (the “product,” or “residuum”) and spread it thickly on the ground all around your house. This accomplishes three things (sorry if I sound like BoB there):
1. It provides you with a thick, soft landing pad for when you inevitably go sliding off the roof;
2. Whatever remains After The Fall makes nice linings for nests, and the birds will feed at your house forever out of sheer gratitude.
3. It ensures that Tunch remains exquisitely groomed.
Platonicspoof
A little more free advice for you John in case you have a subconscious death-by-gravity wish. If you find yourself back up on the roof with a garden hose filled with water, a leaf-blower, tools, etc., keep in mind to fight the reflex to stop them from falling if they start to slip over the edge, so you don’t go with them.
@Chuck Butcher:
This.
I listen to the bad feeling in my stomache, not my head, when I think I am about to tip over a ladder, heavy equipment, etc.
There is no FSM to take up the slack if I’m not in control of events.
SiubhanDuinne
@Loon Juice #244: I believe I once posted about how my husband tried to defrost the freezer with an electric frying pan, and in the process managed to MELT the whole fridge.
CynDee
@Randy P: I know this thread is really old, so you may not even read this comment.
Tell me if you don’t see it. I hope I’m not the last one AGAIN.
There’s a coincidence: I’m a former theatre type, too — actually once one, always one — you don’t have to be IN theatre to be a theatre person (example: John Cole and most others around here).
Anyway, I used to hold my breath when I saw you types crawling around, hanging around, swinging, draping, tying WAY UP THERRRRE. Never saw anything bad happen in 15 years; never had to try to pick anybody up off the floor, but the many near misses made great stories. The people who told them could look a little pale.
Worst thing that ever happened to me then was the two snakes that slithered over my feet as I waited to make my entrance. Made it composed, on cue, and unbitten, but broke out in a sweating fit later.
Corner Stone
@John Cole:
Sheeeet. Moran.
Rich
Well, John,
Please consider a great product called “Leaf Guard” or any other similarly named product. Those are the kind of gutters that we have on our house and we haven’t had to clean them. The gutter is covered at a slant allowing the water to flow into the gutter through a side opening while leaves and other debris fall to the ground.
That was 12 years ago. Best investment we ever made.
Platonicspoof
@CynDee:
More likely, I think.
CynDee
@Platonicspoof: Thank you for being helpful; by all normal reason and thoughtful discourse, your version would be the thing to say, and I appreciate the nudge.
But what I said first is what I meant.
Fractured humor is my intent.
(Shakespeare put it better than that.)
Theatre person Randy P., if he does see it, will think it’s funnier that way, and if he doesn’t see it, many folks will sorrowfully conclude that I’m in mental darkness and should be prayed for. It’s OK either way.
On the chance of pulling off an Effect, every day many, many theatre people take the risk of becoming a complete fool in front of everybody. If you ask them what they do for a living, that’s what they’ll tell you.
This is a well-worn bit, but just for fun what I am inviting is Randy’s reply, “I didn’t see it.”
CynDee
P.S. #252: All this, you know, is because John Cole got stranded on his roof and was willing to tell about it.
What an Effect.
Changed people’s days; they talked about Real Stuff and being scared, stupid, mad, and surviving anyway laughing their heads off.
lonesomerobot
don’t know if this has been covered yet, but I did my entire house with these for less than $50 and about an hour of work.
We had a huge leaf problem; I was cleaning out gutters quarterly. Not anymore.
JoyousMN
We have a rule at our house. It’s a rule that came from a series of mishaps that are funny in retrospect, but could have easily been catastrophic.
Our rule is: Chainsaws and extension ladders don’t mix.
Now I realize that there is an entire category of people for whom chainsaws and extension ladders are an integral part of their job description, but that doesn’t describe me or my husband.
It started on the day we decided that the large limb that stretched horizontally across our driveway was a potential hazard. (We had no idea how true this was, just not in the way we’d imagined it) The limb was a good 25 inches around and stretched out 60 feet from the trunk of the tree. It was about 25 feet off the ground.
My husband was the proud owner of a new chainsaw. He’d spent the past few weeks chewing up logs on our property and he was ready for a fresh challenge. He got the ladder out of the garage and laid it against the branch. The ladder was just high enough to reach and extend 6 inches or so above. He climbed up and down a couple of times to test it and it seemed stable. Now he wasn’t stupid enough to saw the wrong side off: we’ve seen enough cartoon characters to NEVER make that mistake. No, the mistake we made was subtler.
Do you see the problem? Neither did we.
With me watching from behind at a safe distance, my husband took his chainsaw up the ladder and began to cut the branch. He cut below, then finished cutting through on the top. The branch fell to the ground…
…and the limb the ladder was leaning against trembled, then it LIFTED 6 INCHES. The decrease in weight making it much lighter than it had been before. The top of the ladder was now BARELY making contact with the branch. My husband descended as fast as he could and made it safely to the ground before the ladder slid under the limb and crashed to the ground.
We both looked at each other in shock. He was trembling and so was I. That had been a REALLY close call. We took some breaths and laughed nervously about how dumb we’d been not to foresee the problem.
But after a bit we relaxed and began to talk of what to do about the remaining part of the limb. Husband says that he’s up for putting the ladder DIRECTLY on the trunk of the tree and then cutting off the limb from there, obviously we cannot lean the ladder on the branch again. So he positions the ladder (which had survived the drop unharmed) and he begins to cut through the limb…
…and I watch as the limb begins to fall, but then catches on a remaining part and swings like a pendulum and CRASHES into the middle of the ladder. Both our hearts stop, though I’m sure his worse than mine since he’s the one standing on it, 25 feet above the ground.
The ladder bends.
But it holds.
Again husband makes a flying dash down and gets to the ground.
And this is how we decided to enact our rule: Extension ladders cannot be used with chainsaws. Not no how, not ever.
Ghislaine Moel
Uhmm.. you have any related articles?