Open Threads

The Blogfather notes that Charles Murtaugh (another blog that needs to be in the links here) is calling for more Republican Party Animals. I agree with the sentiment, but in what can be only be described as a pedantic and petty observation on my part, I must point out that the actual phrase coined by P.J. O’Rourke (one of my heroes) is ‘Republican Party Reptile.’ This is actually the name of a collection of shorts by P.J., in which P.J. offers up some of my favorite things he has ever written, including The Safety Nazi’s, High-Speed Performance Characteristics of Pickup Trucks, and the greatest story of youthful indiscretion ever written, How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink.

P.J. describes what a Republican Party Reptile is, and why he wants to be called one, in the Introduction: Apologia Pro Vita Republican Party Reptile Sua:

Neither conservatives nore humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do. They think man’s misbehavior is caused by a deprived environment, educational shortcomings, and improper bonding within the family unit. They believe there are people so poor they can’t pick up their yard. Down that line of thinking lie all sorts of nastiness. Just ask the Cubans.

So I’m a conservative; what else could I be? However, I’m not completely happy about it. Let’s face it, conservatives can be buttheads, too. There are the reborn Jesus Creeps, for instance. We should do to these what the conservative Romans did, with lions. But even regular country club-type Republicans can be stuffy about some things- dope smuggling, for example, and mixing Quaaludes in your scotch, and putting your stereo speakers on the roof of your house and turning the volume all the way up an playing Parliament of Funk at 3:00 A.M.

So, what I’d really like is a new label. And I’m, sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way. We are the Reublican Party Reptiles. We look like Republicans, and think like conservatives, but we drive a lot faster and keep vibrators and baby oil and a video camera behind the stack of sweaters on the bedroom closet shelf. I think our agenda is clear. We are opposed to: government spending, Kennedy kids, seat-belt laws, being a pussy about nuclear power, busing our children anywhere other than Yale, trailer courts near our vacation homes, Gary Hart, all tiny Third World countries that don;t have banking secrecy laws, aerobics, the U.N. taxation without tax loopholes, and jewelry on men. We are in favor of: guns, drugs, fast cars, free love (if our wives don;t find out), a sound dolar, a cleaner environment (poor people should cut it out with the graffiti, a strong military with spiffy unuiforms, Nastassia Kinski, Star Wars (and anything else that scares the Russkis) and a firm stand on the Middle East (raze buildings, burn crops, plow the earth with salt, and sell the population into bondage).

Yeehaw. P.J.’s best book is Parliament of Whores.

The Blogfather notes that CharlesPost + Comments

This is why a great number of people are generally disgusted by lawyers. In the well publicized dog trial today, this is an actual exchange between the defense lawyer and Susan Smith, the grieving partner of the deceased Diane Whipple:

Smith said Whipple had been bitten before by one of the dogs, named Bane, and that she herself had to jump back when the animal lunged at her in the lobby of their San Francisco apartment building.

Whipple would not leave their apartment without looking out the door to make sure the dogs were not in sight, Smith said.

“Every time we passed the dogs, she made sure I was between her and the dogs,” Smith said.

Smith said after Whipple was bitten on the hand by one of the dogs “she was very scared of those dogs, terrified.”

Ruiz then noted that neither Whipple nor Smith complained about the dogs’ behavior. Smith said they were afraid and wanted nothing to do with the couple across the hall.

“You did nothing to remedy the situation where your life partner lived in fear?” Ruiz asked.

“We took action. We stayed away from the dogs. I didn’t make a complaint. Now I wish I had,” Smith said, tears welling in her eyes.

“Do you consider that had you made a complaint, Diane Whipple might be alive today?” Ruiz asked, drawing loud gasps in the courtroom. Smith responded by shaking her head back and forth.

It is too bad you can not be disbarred for bad taste.

This is why a greatPost + Comments

Whoopi Goldberg was just on Hardball and was….

completely reasonable, respectful, and thoughtful. Sure, she may disagree with Bush on a lot of stuff, but she was respectful and made sense. Take note Mr. Daschle.

Whoopi Goldberg was just onPost + Comments

According to Google and Bravenet Stat Counters, yours truly is one of the leading sources for:

Photographs + of + ritalin + pills.

Charming.

According to Google and BravenetPost + Comments

One thing I like about Jonah Goldberg is that he kicks em while they are down. Let’s see if we can find a recurring theme in some of Jonah’s work.

In today’s piece, he writes:

The “fictional” defense is meaningless. Primary Colors, Joe Klein’s anonymous broadside at Clinton was fictional too. You’d have to eat lead paint chips or be raised by Alec Baldwin to think Klein’s book wasn’t political.

On 27 February 2002, he wrote:

If we wanted a system which depended on the vagaries of insipidity and reflexive asininity we’d have made Alec Baldwin Czar-for-Life.

On 15 February 2002 he wrote:

Imagine if the feds told the Washington Post they couldn’t editorialize about candidates for 30 to 60 days prior to an election. Hollywood First Amendment zealots like Norman Lear or Alec Baldwin would be on the front lawn of the FEC or FCC immolating themselves like Vietnamese monks if they were told one of their TV shows or movies couldn’t air around election time (of course, Alec would have trouble following the directions on the matchbook).

On 13 February 2002, he wrote:

The beautiful German shepherd in the competition last night no doubt looked at the visiting search-and-rescue dogs the way Alec Baldwin looks at people who actually know how to read, and said, “I wish I could be like them.”

On 2 January 2002 he wrote:

If mutual ignorance were the font of war, Mexico would be at war with Moldova and Alec Baldwin would be running around hacking to death everyone with an IQ over 80.

On 3 December 2001, he wrote:

If I say you are ugly, you do not refute my assertion by pointing to someone uglier. Alec Baldwin isn’t any less stoopid simply by virtue of the fact that he can point to someone who eats lead paint-chips like they were Doritos and say, “But Cletus thinks I’m really smart.”

I got tired of looking, but I am sure they go on and on. Go look for some yourself.

I know some of you ill use this as ammo to attack Jonah and to claim that he is not funny or creative. Au Contraire. Each one of those insults was a delight to read, and Jonah is performing a VALUABLE service. You see, the jackals on the left love to make their snide remarks about the intellect of Republicans, and usually they are lying. Jonah is just using Alec Baldwin as a prop, a way to point out stupid behaviors. What better prop to use than a real moron, someone who really is a dolt. Keep it up Jonah. I like it.

One thing I like aboutPost + Comments

Something I have not done before- The Friday Five:

1. What’s your favorite vacation spot?

My living room. I love travel but I hate getting there, wherever there is at the time.

2. Where do you consider to be the biggest hell-hole on earth?

Tie: Gary, Indiana or Newark, NJ

3. What would be your dream vacation?

A week at a Biergarten in Germany eating bratwurst and brotchen mit senf drinking 800 calorie beers, or a week-long tequila haze somewhere south of the border where the drinks are big and the bikinis are small.

4. If you could go on a road-trip with anyone, who would it be and why?

Hunter S. Thompson and P.J. O’Rourke. Only if I am driving, though.

5. What are your plans for this weekend?

Recovering from the flu and Robitussin detox.

Something I have not donePost + Comments

Something weird is going on in Washington. First, Ari Fleischer, who normally does a fantastic job, makes one of the dumbest statements in recent memory by a Press Secretary. No one enjoys kicking around Clinton more than me, but you can not blame this wave of violence on Clinton any more than you can blame the 9/11 attacks on poverty or on our Israel policy. Repeat after me, Ari:

Suicidal maniacs with no regard for life who strap explosives on their backs and blow up innocent jews in Sbarros are responsible for the violence.

Say it several times until it sticks, Ari. It takes talent to make Joe Lockhart look good, and this gaffe just did it. Go here for Ted Barlow’s take.

The second weird thing going on is all this Fritz Hollings mania. I am utterly convinced he has lost his damned mind, and he is just all OVER the news, whether it be about Enron, attacking Bush (usually about something regarding Enron), or playing patsy to corporate interests regarding copyrights. Steve den Beste beats up on Hollings a bit here. Instapundit has some links here. William Quick has some remarks here. There are more out there, but I need to head to the office.

At any rate, what is Hollings drinking? He comes out of seemingly nowhere, and now he is lead imbecile in almost every headline.

Something weird is going onPost + Comments