As I’ve vaguely alluded to here over the past several months, I’ve been dealing with vexing health issues since approximately the holidays. I wasn’t trying to be mysterious about it. At first my condition seemed much less dire, though I felt awful due to severe anemia.

I felt better once that was treated, but it took a long time to get a definitive idea of what’s wrong for several reasons that are too tiresome to recount here just now.

I hope y’all will understand that I don’t have any plans to provide much further detail on this. My illness necessarily consumes so much of my life already. I’d love to have one digital oasis, populated by friends (and frenemies), where it doesn’t dominate the conversation. This could be that place!

I’m surprised at how calm I feel about the whole thing. Maybe that’s because I’ve thought about death a lot, ever since I was a depressive, hypochondriac child.

I am also NOT a spiritual person, and it turns out there ARE atheists in foxholes. But I think mostly I’m at peace with the situation because I’ve had such a good run.

I’ve shared my life for nearly 30 years with one of the smartest, kindest, funniest men on the planet — who also plays piano like an angel! Together, we raised a thoughtful, brave and intelligent child who has a professional-grade bullshit detector and an enormous heart.

Then, when the nest was empty, we found our swampy fixer-upper on a river in a wilderness so that after work, we could fish (well, he fishes while I read), ride around in our beat-up boat with cocktails at sunset and watch birds, otters, alligators, deer, wild hogs and even an occasional rogue rhesus macaque. And dream of doing all that full time someday.

That’s all pretty good! And if it ends for me earlier than expected, I don’t believe that goodness is diminished.

I am not afraid of death, but I do dread suffering. My focus going forward is to survive while staying as comfortable as possible and minimizing the effect of my illness on my family.

So, that’s all I’ve got to say about that for now, aside from this: I haven’t given up. I’m getting treatment, which has been rather hellish so far. This summer is going to suck for me!

I hope the treatment is effective. I aspire to be among those with my diagnosis who get to stick around this crowded, increasingly hot, terrible and beautiful blue-green rock on a longer-term basis.

But I’m also a realist, so I’m sharing the news with y’all as I prefer to receive such information myself: straight up.

I’ll continue to pop into comments and put up posts as I’m able. Maybe even a lot or perhaps rarely; I don’t know yet. Living in the moment is all I have left. (In truth, it’s all any of us have. Ever.)

But I’ve been writing here for more than a dozen years now, so the blog — meaning you squabbling, irascible, magnificent bastids — are a part of my life and among my chosen tribe.

I almost added “for better or worse” to the end of that sentence. Speaking for myself, it’s definitely been for the better.

Peace & love,

BC

PS: Fuck cancer!