Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

Insiders who complain to politico: please report to the white house office of shut the fuck up.

Nothing worth doing is easy.

Roe isn’t about choice, it’s about freedom.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

Being the leader of the world means to be the leader of peace.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

Let us savor the impending downfall of lawless scoundrels who richly deserve the trouble barreling their way.

This fight is for everything.

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

… pundit janitors mopping up after the GOP

I was promised a recession.

That’s my take and I am available for criticism at this time.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

Do not shrug your shoulders and accept the normalization of untruths.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

The willow is too close to the house.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Why is it so hard for them to condemn hate?

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Dog Blogging / I’m Probably Going to Hell for This

I’m Probably Going to Hell for This

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Took the dogs to the park for a run, and… Rosie ran off as I was gathering them up to go home and the Lily followed her. I drove around town looking for them, because they had followed the creek and up to the other side of town up a holler, and after about ten minutes, I found Lily and Daphne (an adorable beagle/bassett mix who may be the orneriest and squirmiest dog ever) treeing a squirrel or some other rodent. I scooped them up, drove down the block and dropped off Daphne at her owners house, and went to resume the hunt for Rosie, when in my rearview mirror, I saw her fat ass racing down the middle of the street to catch up with the car with a frantic “Wait for me, wait for me” look. Instead of stopping and throwing her into the car, I slowed down and drove around the block a couple times like a pace car, with her chasing the whole way.

I’m probably going to go to hell for that, but it was worth it, and at least now she is sleeping and leaving me alone so I can get some stuff done.

Reader Interactions

120Comments

  2. 2.

    NobodySpecial

    I’m probably going to go to hell for that

    Nah, you’re probably going to hell for a lot of other things first.

    Plus it’s warm and everybody who’s anybody will be there.

  5. 5.

    FlyingToaster

    I make Warrior-“I’m-not-a-Baby”Girl walk home from the playground for exactly the same reason.

    Though she’s totally zoned out downstairs watching Boomerang — I never knew my childhood cartoons would have such an attraction, 40 years on :)

  7. 7.

    shortstop

    Bwa ha ha ha ha.

    The third baseman once dogsat for some rambunctious heelers who would always manage to escape from the yard and start running down the street. TTB would open the door of his car parked at the curb, loudly inquire if anyone was up for a RIDE, bundle the ecstatic dogs into the car, drive into the garage and close the door.

  9. 9.

    Parallel 5ths (Jewish Steel)

    Dude, if there wasn’t so much traffic around here…

    Let’s just say that a certain 30lbs of muscly fun would get a good 5-7 miles in while I sipped my coffee.

  10. 10.

    jl

    @NobodySpecial:

    I agree that Cole is hellbound fer sher, for a lot of bad stuff.

    But karma can be changed.

    If Cole has a hint of an optimistic attitude about things (it is possible, I guess), he would take the hint that fate dropped him (with grandmotherly tough love and kindness) about a way to combine a jogging program with walking Rosie.

    Can Cole learn to run as fast around the block a few times as a slow car drive?

    I am looking forward to the breathless updates on his progress.

    Hey, I was a fatass a year ago, and that has (partly) changed.

    If Cole sends me a ticket, I will gladly fly out to WV and see how well I can do at giving a demonstration (or I will drop dead trying to keep ahead of Rose, not sure which).

  11. 11.

    TaMara (BHF)

    OMG, thank you so much, John. That made laugh until there were tears down my cheeks. That is so something I would do. Hell is going to be such a fun place.

  12. 12.

    honus

    John, you’re from northern West Virginia. Holler is what you do to call hogs. Up them hollahs is where you go squirrel hunting.

  13. 13.

    Rosalita

    you never know John, she might have thought that was a righteous walk with the added excitement of car chasing.

  15. 15.

    Violet

    Bwahahaha. Rosie had it coming.

    Part of me was a tiny bit afraid you drove off without Rosie, but I know you wouldn’t do that.

  16. 16.

    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford

    So you’re hazing your dog now?

    On New Years Day I got home about 1pm and noticed a significant draft coming from somewhere. I poked my head into the kitchen to discover the back door wide open – it had been like that for hours. My cat was sitting in the living room with this “you’re stuck with me – I’m going nowhere” look on his face.

  17. 17.

    LGRooney

    @honus: No, they were within shouting distance. A holler is something like a radius from the shouting’s center.

    Rosie probably had as much fun running like that as you had thinking it was punishment.

  19. 19.

    Raenelle

    Maybe just purgatory.

    Poor Rosie. I was the trouble-making black sheep of my family; begrudgingly loved rather than delighted in. I know how she feels. But in the absence of flowing love, we settle for the guilt-generated kind.

  20. 20.

    Violet

    and the Lily followed her

    Is Lily’s ego big enough to support an article in front of her name like The Donald?

  22. 22.

    quaint irene

    No, ‘going to hell’ would have been for speeding up and letting her find her own fat-ass way home. But maybe that’s how she got lost the first time.

  23. 23.

    ulee

    Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously. So does Rosie. And John. And so did John Wheeler when he lost his mind in Wilmington.

  25. 25.

    JPL

    I assume Lily was looking out the back window with a smile on her face.

    Violet @20.. The Lily is The perfect dog so it’s appropriate.

  27. 27.

    Mary

    The only way I can get one of my dog’s to come home after she’s made an escape is to let her race my car around the block. If I stop to let her in the car, she just takes off in the other direction.

  29. 29.

    JR in WV

    If you were in a low-traffic area (in WV this is likely!!) you didn’t commit a mortal sin. Besides, Heaven for climate, Hell for company!

    My elderly teacher(s) the Misses Keyser always said that. They taught and went around the world every summer, unbelievable photos from everywhere, from trips in the 1940-50-60 era.

    If a dog can’t dodge a car at legal residential speeds, well, not much of a dog!

    JR

  33. 33.

    fasteddie9318

    They went about ringing in the Boner Era all wrong. Imagine Eric Cantor, plus a chorus of Republican housewives, singing a variation on “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

    (Chorus) John Bo-ner, John Bo-ner,
    Who are you, why are you
    That color?
    John Bo-ner, John Bo-ner,
    Did you get locked in a
    Tanning bar?
    …
    (Verse) Every time you’re on TV
    The tears start to flow
    Can’t you stop the blubbering
    And what’s with that glow?
    You were such a star leading
    The Party of No
    Now whose pockets are we gonna line
    With working class dough?
    …
    Don’t you get me wrong (8x)
    Only want to know (8x)
    …
    (Chorus) John Bo-ner, John Bo-ner,
    Who are you, why are you
    That color?
    John Bo-ner, John Bo-ner,
    Did you get locked in a
    Tanning bar?

  35. 35.

    Nicole

    Hell, all you did was call her bluff. Well played, sir.

    (Note to autocorrect function: fuck you; I intended to swear. I did not mean “he’ll.” And what, “fuck” is fine, but. “Hell” warrants correction? What is this, some kind of fundy autocorrect?)

  36. 36.

    ruemara

    meh. I start my day by hosing down the sirensenior cat because his idea of hello how are you is to scream at the first sleeper who stumbles out into the living room. 10 years of screaming from 3 am to 7 am for outside/food/the other cat is touching me/why is it cold/outside is raining/pink is not a good color/the food I just ate is gone why/this food I just ate is not enough and you must put my face back to my bowl so I will know there is more and I’ve accepted that this is purgatory and I died way back in the 80’s from rubber bangle and neon hair spray toxicity.

  37. 37.

    licensed to kill time

    I knew a guy in San Diego with a high energy dog. He used to take the dog to Fiesta Island (it’s a dog island) and drive around the perimeter loop road while the dog galloped alongside. The dog got a great workout, the guy not so much…but he never could have kept up with the dog anyway.

    Sometimes you just do what ya gotta do.

  38. 38.

    El Cid

    Why can’t they just blame Barney Frank and Fannie Freddie and Democrap obstructionism anyway? Who’s going to check them on it?

  39. 39.

    Gravenstone

    I was expecting the story to evolve into, “and this is how I came home with a third dog” sort of thing. So hey, you’re ahead of the game as far as that.

  42. 42.

    Southern Beale

    Just read the most amazing story about a Tennessee wannabe Republican politician/family values conservative guy who .. wait for it … turns out to be a sociopath Ponzi schemer who defrauded his OWN FAMILY before high-tailing it off to Guatemala. Thanks to the efforts of one U.S. Postal Service Inspector he’s now in federal prison in KY awaiting sentencing.

    It’s an absolutely fucking amazing story. I blogged about it today, there’s a link to the original story. MUST READ.

    This is how the Teanut Contingent in the U.S. House of Representatives is going to end up. Sociopaths, every damn one of them.

  44. 44.

    thefncrow

    Gotta love when the dog starts to come back on their own.

    A few years ago, I had a problem with my oldest dog having gotten out. It was the afternoon and I was about to have to leave for a class, but I went out and looked for him for as long as I could. No luck. So, I went home, grabbed my books, and was going to leave for class, because it was a class I absolutely could not miss, missing dog or no. When I opened the garage door to leave, there he was, coming around the corner like “OK, I’m done, ready to come back now.”

    That dog was very afraid of thunderstorms, and, sure enough, 10 minutes later, the area was hit by a very bad thunderstorm. He knew it was coming, and knew he didn’t want to be outside when it hit, so it was time to give it up.

    He always had a knack for doing that. I remember one time when I was growing up, he’d get out of our backyard sometimes in the afternoons. One afternoon, my grandfather saw him two streets over from us near the entrance to the alley. Boo saw him and turned and ran. My grandfather drove the next street over but didn’t see him, so he came back to our street, and sitting there, in the back yard, right near the chain-link fence along the side of the house was Boo, sitting there with this big grin like “Oh, hi. You just getting home? I’ve been here this whole time waiting for someone to come home. Certainly wasn’t a bad dog out of my yard, no sir.”

  46. 46.

    dmsilev

    @licensed to kill time: I talked once with someone who owned an Australian Shepherd. She said she ended up buying a treadmill for the dog, and that he loved it. Got up on the thing, got into a zone, and just ran.

    dms

  50. 50.

    licensed to kill time

    @dmsilev:

    You know, that’s a method that Cesar Milan uses, too (not that I’m trying to start a Milan love/hate flame war here!). I wonder if John could try that out with Rosie? Hook her up to the treadmill and let her wear herself out.

    Either that or he gets some of those weird roller skates Cesar uses and makes Rosie pull him down the road. But we’d need video of that, for sure.

  51. 51.

    Julie

    Get a used treadmill and teach Rosie how to run on a treadmill. That would tire her out every day, and make your life easier. Cesar Milan has information on how to train a dog to run on a treadmill.

  55. 55.

    Violet

    @fasteddie9318:
    Indeed. A real margarita is not frozen. They do taste better on the rocks, though. Perhaps one of the devils could be bribed to provide some ice.

  58. 58.

    licensed to kill time

    @Violet: But of course there are! It’s the free market in action!

    Actually, I like the sides to that Jog a Dog….I could see Rosie seriously tying herself in knots if her leash was hooked to a regular treadmill, at least from John’s description of just getting her out the door w/o a tragic incident :)

  59. 59.

    elmo

    There’s actually a term for it — it’s called “roadworking” a dog. When I lived in the mountains, we used to take the truck out to logging roads, let the whole pack of German Shepherds out the back, and drive. They loved it.

  60. 60.

    LGRooney

    @Adrienne: Okay, since I seem to be the only one who knows the place…

    It is very hot but it is a dry heat and, in any event, we have the AC running. Problem is, the AC runs in rooms with no entrances. See, hell is an eternal tease not necessarily suffering.

    We have bars scattered throughout but they serve only beers from Coors (cold if you hate that brand, warm and very shaken if you actually think it’s a real beer), all the hard liquor comes from SE Asia, and all the mixes are made with HFCS (so the hangovers can be… well… hell). Wine? From the Salahi farms.

    But, there is ice in abundance it’s just that it is in Antarctic-sized blocks and there are no picks or knives or razors or any other items that could be used as weapons. (What? You think you can get into hell without passing through several centuries of TSA examinations?) So, you have to take your plastic cups and shave the ice off and since it is such a dry heat, well… you know, evaporation and all that fun stuff (we in management get to pick and choose the rules of nature we want applied).

    Any other questions?

  61. 61.

    Bill E Pilgrim

    @licensed to kill time: I think John should use the same method on the blog now and then. Drive it around the block a few times watching the regulars get winded trying to catch up, might calm some of the more manic ones down a bit.

  62. 62.

    tucker carlson

    I’m a Christian but some sins are so great that they don’t deserve to be punished by going to hell. It’s purgatory for you. You will not be near good dogs and you will not be able to drink hot margaritas.

  64. 64.

    JD Rhoades

    When Fargo started falling back into the habit of trying to follow the car whenever we left, we decided to try something similar. We’d drive around the circle we live on (almost exactly 1 km) trying to wear him out. Didn’t work. Three laps and he was still rarin’ to go. Reluctantly, we had to pen him, which he hates. We only had to do it twice before he got the hint. Now he may run out to the end of the drive, but he’ll wait there, sometimes all day.

  68. 68.

    Poopyman

    @Bill E Pilgrim:

    I think John should use the same method on the blog now and then. Drive it around the block a few times watching the regulars get winded trying to catch up, might calm some of the more manic ones down a bit.

    Probably the desired effect when he (or someone) posts as change.

    Not working, AFAICT.

  69. 69.

    SB Jules

    @Raenelle:

    I have a sister that thinks she was grudgingly loved. I know better; she’s the one that everyone dearly, dearly loved but worried about constantly. If she were Rosie, she would have liked the run.

  72. 72.

    debbie

    Seems like a great idea for a doggie diet. Now there’s the 17 Day Diet for humans and the 17 Block Diets for overweight dogs.

  73. 73.

    The Grand Panjandrum

    Ruh roh. Looks like those darn Muslims are EVERYWHERE! (NOTE: Links to WND but it is just full of win. In the most perverted sense of the word.)

    … Frank Gaffney, a leader of the conservative movement for the last 30 years, charges that CPAC has come under the influence of the Muslim Brotherhood, which is working to bring America under Saudi-style Shariah law.

    But this really is the best part:

    Gaffney also accuses another ACU board member, leading conservative political organizer Grover Norquist, of helping the Muslim Brotherhood spread its influence in the nation’s capital.

  74. 74.

    licensed to kill time

    @Bill E Pilgrim: John catches a lot of junk fish in his big trawler net but rarely tosses them back over the side, leaving the choice-eating fish the onerous job of squirting out clouds of snark to obscure the bottom-feeders. Thankless task, somebody’s gotta, etc etc…

    Though I wish they could just be snootily ignored.

  76. 76.

    Ivan Ivanovich Renko

    God-DAMMIT, John Cole! How many fucking keyboards are you going to make me ruin?

  77. 77.

    Ivan Ivanovich Renko

    God-DAMMIT, John Cole! How many fucking keyboards are you going to make me ruin?

  78. 78.

    slag

    Get a bike, it will be good for both of you.

    3rded.

    Personally, I think every pet-loving household needs an animal deactivation device of some sort. Ours has a fireplace, which we put the cats in front of when they start to get too annoying. Luckily, it works on people too.

    Your house seems to need a bicycle for deactivating your dog.

  79. 79.

    SRW1

    I wouldn’t be surprised if Rosie returned home with the thought that this was the first time going for a walk was real fun.

  83. 83.

    Chuck

    Years ago I was headed home for lunch when my black lab mix, Sam, darted out in front of my car. I had no idea how he got out of the house, but followed him for several blocks leaning out of the car window shouting his name. When he ran in between two houses, I saw my chance and bailed from my (still moving) car. I dived on top of him only to find that it was another black lab mix with a red collar. Once I retrieved my car from a neighbor’s lawn I returned home where Sam, seemingly asleep on the couch for the past several hours, looked on with complete disinterest as I bawled him out for….. Well, I’m not sure what…

  86. 86.

    Violet

    @Poopyman:
    Glenn Beck was trying to keep his boner under control as he talked about this possibility on his radio show this morning. Apparently for Beck, Bachmann and Christie are the only two potential candidates worth considering. He had it bad for Bachmann.

  87. 87.

    Yutsano

    @Violet: Glenn has other issues he should be focused on. He was just canceled in the major media market of NYC over low ratings.

  91. 91.

    Mike Kay (Chief of Staff)

    @The Grand Panjandrum: grover is an arab lobbyists, for which neo-con propagandist gaffney has been smearing him for years.

    don’t get me wrong, grover is still evil. but you don’t have to smear him and moooslims to prove he’s evil.

  92. 92.

    comrade scott's agenda of rage

    You *were* going to hell for voting for the Worst. President. Ever.

    Twice.

    But you ain’t going because of this. In fact, making sure you found a dog that’s in essence driving you insane puts you in a special place in the afterlife.

    Assuming the afterlife consists of something more than dead flesh in the ground.

  93. 93.

    elmo

    @Chuck:
    OMG that’s awful and hilarious at the same time.

    We once came home from errands to discover that our best German Shepherd had disappeared. She had been inside the house when we left. The other dogs were still there, and none of them seemed disturbed. The door was locked, and all the windows were shut.

    So you can imagine our “WTF?” reaction. Add to that the Shepherd was not friendly to strangers, and so was never allowed out unsupervised under any circumstances. We freaked. How the hell did she get out? Where the hell did she go?

    We drove around the whole neighborhood, enlisted the help of friends and neighbors, and called local Animal Control. Nothin. Finally, with heavy hearts, we returned to the house — and noticed that one of the other dogs was strangely interested in the fold-out couch.

    That’s when we remembered – we had been using the bed, and had hastily put it back right before we left on our errands. We tore the cushions off, yanked out the bed — and there was Tanis, happy to see us and completely unaware that there had been any drama. Apparently she had been asleep in the empty space where the bed goes, and we had put the couch back together on top of her.

  94. 94.

    Mike Kay (Chief of Staff)

    btw, you guys who read these things, is anyone in blogosphere taking credit for robert gibbs’ resignation? You know who they’re want to take credit for the sun rising.

  95. 95.

    PTirebiter

    Hilarious. The celestial video has undoubtedly gone viral. I’d pay money to see the shot of the rear view mirror. I imagine seeing the passive-aggressive smirk of a man justifying his petty and vengeful act as being just a little cardiovascular tough love.

  97. 97.

    shortstop

    @BGinCHI: You are kind of freaking me out. In tone, style and humor, you remind me so much of another local I know, and he used to…yeah, big cyclocross fan. As far as I know there aren’t that many of you guys.

  99. 99.

    shortstop

    @elmo: Sobbing with mirth over here. Friend of mine did the same thing to her cat one New Year’s Eve, only the containing object was a box of clothes to be moved to her new apartment the next day (apparently you can get a plum discount on rent if you’re willing to move January 1 in Chicago).

  101. 101.

    Southern Beale

    @The Grand Panjandrum:

    … Frank Gaffney, a leader of the conservative movement for the last 30 years, charges that CPAC has come under the influence of the Muslim Brotherhood, which is working to bring America under Saudi-style Shariah law.

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA …..

    [ gasps ]

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA …..

    Gawd. What a bunch of LOOSERS.

  102. 102.

    BGinCHI

    @shortstop: Really more of a roadie.

    You can catch me and folks in my club taking off from the Coffee Studio in good (ok, decent) weather on Sunday mornings around 8. Probably back on that schedule come March.

  104. 104.

    asiangrrlMN

    This is hilarious, Cole. It sounds like Rosie got a good workout, and you get a chance to work. Win-win!

    @Southern Beale: That is incredible. I can’t believe I didn’t read a thing about it in the traditional media. I mean, just the ‘huh?’ factor of it should have made it front-page news for at least one twenty-four hour cycle.

    @Poopyman: Just…No. I know the rest of the country would find it hilarious if Michele Bachmann ran for prez, but I would be mortified, horrified, and enraged on a daily basis. My take on a Michele Bachmann run for prez or Senate.

    Yutsy, you still sick? I hope you’re resting up.

  105. 105.

    SRW1

    @BGinCHI:

    Passionate pedaler here. Once the buildup of fitness after the winter lay-off allows, I love to go for longer one day tours in the countryside. Between 60 and 130 miles, but after the longer ones I’m like Rosie after her adventure today.

  106. 106.

    BGinCHI

    @SRW1: Winter lay-off? Get thee on a spin bike. Or skiis.

    I ride a couple hundred miles a week and this time of year I really miss long rides out of the city. Plus mtn biking and beer in MI and WI.

  107. 107.

    Andy K

    Had you leashed her to the bumper, shouted, “Mandelbaum!” and hit the gas, then, yes, Hell, but as it was, you just gave her a healthy workout.

  109. 109.

    liberty60

    Diary entry, Rosie Cole:

    Jan 5

    John took us to the park today! I ran and ran and ran!
    Lily followed!

    John ran behind us, barking loudly.

    See John run!
    Run, John, run!
    Oh what fun!

    We saw a squirrel! We chased it up a tree!
    We smelled dog poop, and peed on trees!

    Later I chased after John!
    Run, John, run! I will catch you!

    Run, run, run! Chase, chase, chase!

    “Oh, what a fun day”, cried Lily.

    I can’t wait for tomorrow!

  112. 112.

    matoko_chan

    ekshually she will love you all the more for it, and try to get you to do it again. they adore extreme exercise.
    you do not understand jacks at all.

  113. 113.

    bemused

    Oh God, that’s classic. I couldn’t stop laughing. You should have her chase the care once every day instead of the 6 daily walk/poop interruptions.

  114. 114.

    Southern Beale

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I know, I live in Nashville and there has been hardly anything mentioned about this sleazeball, even in the local media! But I thought Ken Whitehouse did an excellent job making up for the media’s past oversight.

    This guy is absolutely a perversion … would make a fascinating movie or documentary. I mean jeeeeeez ….. 10 kids? With the 11th on the way? And his 14 year old son delivered the 10th kid while dad was off in a bar smoking cigars and drinking? That’s some nice “family values” you’ve got there, buddy!

    Can’t imagine how Tennessee dodged a bullet and didn’t have him representing them in the state house.

  116. 116.

    Dorothy Rissman

    John, that is a scary story. I have a runner. She can climb over five feet fences and then jump down to the sidewalk 10 feet below. Once she is on the loose, she has no interest in coming home.

    We have had a couple of horrible scares. So glad the dogs were found and both are safe.

  117. 117.

    CynDee

    @NobodySpecial: I think we’ve been lied to. I think hell is COLD. Not just a little, but excruciatingly cold. It will be such a shock, not only that we didn’t make it to the nice place, but we’ll be forever freezing miserably COLD.

    Howz that for a nice upbeat comment in the middle of the week?

  120. 120.

    Dylan

    Sometimes with a JRT, you’ve just got to grind them down.

    It’s summer here, and yesterday we were at the local dog beach, where there is a saltwater lake shallow enough to wade through but deep enough that our JRT has to swim.

    I admit, more than once, I held her on the lead and let her tread water for a bit.

    I have no idea where they store all that energy.

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